"Finally!" Sirius exclaimed. “I’m exhausted.”
"I know. It’s about time we made it,” James said.
The two viewed a large painting of fruit stacked in a silver bowl. James stepped forward and tickled the green pear. He grabbed the door handle the pear soon created and pulled open the painting to reveal the Hogwarts kitchens.
Aromas from a hundred different savory dishes floated in the air. James and Sirius both grinned, delighted to reach their destination. Snape, on the other hand, did not feel as happy about being dragged (quite literally) down two flights of stairs and several long hallways to visit the house elves.
Unable to come to an agreement of how to deal with Snape, James and Sirius had decided to take the captive with them on their trip for a late-night snack. They left him roped and tied to reduce the risk of an escape. Neither could remember the hover charm, however, and felt too proud to ask Snape for help. Instead, he sustained numerous bruises and an injured knee while they hauled him to the kitchens. The two Marauders stepped through the opening behind the painting with Snape in tow.
"Good evening, masters," someone said from below them. James and Sirius looked down to see Fert the house elf walking by with a huge serving bowl filled to the brim with rich, chocolate pudding. The other elves were either cleaning around the school or sleeping since the rest of the room was vacant. “What would you like tonight, young sirs?” Fert asked politely.
“PUDDING!" James and Sirius yelled. The two quickly threw Snape aside and dived on poor Fert and his batch of pudding. Seizing the bowl, they dug into it with their fingers, too ravenous from their trip to bother asking for spoons.
Fert readily gave the desert up, pleased to be of service. Trotting over to where the hog-tied Slytherin lay, he asked, "Would young master Snape like anything?”
"The prisoner doesn’t get any food," James said through a mouthful of thick chocolate.
Sirius nodded in agreement. "I second that motion."
"Well, I third it," James added unnecessarily.
"Oh, so that’s how this is going down!" Sirius grabbed another handful of pudding. "I fourth it. Ha!" He threw the handful towards James.
“Watch it!” he yelled too late. Gooey dessert splattered the front of James’ robes.
Both boys stared at the mess in shock. “Oops,” Sirius said.
James glared at him. Without a word, he dipped his fingers into the pudding. James scooped some up and, before Sirius could react, flung it in his face. Within moments, the food fight grew to full force. The two ran and ducked around the kitchen, chucking pudding in every direction and splattering the surrounding room more than each other.
As James and Sirius kept this up, Snape decided it was time he left.
"Come here, elf," Snape whispered to Fert, “Untie me."
Poor Fert, being a good house elf, obeyed the command and quickly undid the knots holding Snape. He shoved a few cream cakes into his hands and sent Snape off with a hearty invitation to come back whenever he wished.
James and Sirius finished off the entire bowl after a good half-hour of fighting and eating without noticing Snape’s sudden disappearance. “I eighty-sixth it!” Sirius proclaimed after licking clean his fingers.
Fert handed each a large towel to clean themselves up and picked up the empty serving bowl. "Good night, young masters,” he said. “I hope you enjoyed my special recipe."
Sirius patted his stomach blissfully. "That went further than enjoyment."
With a wide smile showing rotting, orange teeth worse than Snape’s, Fert walked away. James hoped he would be making more special recipes. Quietly chuckling, he turned around where their captive should have been sitting. Only a small pile of ropes still lay there, blending into the stone tiles.
James' eyes expanded to the size of dinner plates. Under normal circumstances, this would be near impossible to accomplish, but under those circumstances of immense shock, James managed it easily. He slowly reached behind him to where Sirius still savored the flavor of chocolate on his tongue and grabbed his shoulder. Yanking him around, James pointed to the practically empty corner.
Instead of being on the verge of panic, Sirius calmly looked at the spot. James stared at him in amazement. Noticing that his friend was staring at him as if he was a new breed of Muggle with polka-dotted feathers, Sirius stared back.
He cocked an eyebrow. "You know, you’ve got pudding on your chin.”
James exploded and it vaguely reminded Sirius of an experiment he once performed with a toaster and a few blueberry pop tarts. The results were flaming pop tarts of doom.
“That's all you have to say?” James shrieked. “Don't you realize what this means? Your reputation will be ruined for eternity!"
Sirius stared blankly at James and mumbled, "Because of pudding on your chin?”
"Snape, Sirius! Snape! He's escaped!" James was hopping from one foot to the other anxiously, his hands waving wildly in the air.
"Snape? Escaped from what?" Sirius looked completely lost. "I have no idea what you're talking about. Anyways, I can’t take you seriously when there’s pudding on your face."
Finally, James stood still. He rubbed off the pudding and put a hand on either side of Sirius' head. "Snape knows your secret, Sirius."
Sirius' eyes widened, imitating James. "Secret?" Sudden recognition dawned on him. "Oh!" Imitating James again, he started jumping up and down. "Oh, no! Oh, no! Very bad! This is VERY bad, James! We have to get him!" With that said, he immediately ran out of the kitchens, frantically waving his arms above his head as if it would actually help. Sirius slipped to the verge of breaking out in tears. The two were running down the hall, not knowing where to go or how they would stop Sirius’ secret-carrier.
"James!" Sirius' voice cracked. "Snape and with the ropes and squirrel! Pudding, James, PUDDING! The squirrel is gonna tell everyone!"
James tried to keep up. “The squirrel is gonna tell everyone? Calm down. You’re not making any sense, mate."
Sirius froze in his tracks and spun to face James.
"WHAT? I don't make sense? I DON'T MAKE SENSE?"
James took a step back, seeing Sirius' clenched fists and white knuckles. "Sirius, you need to calm down if you want to stop Snape, okay?" he said, using a tone usually reserved for talking to young children. "Breathe. Good. That’s it. Breathe in… and out."
Sirius was breathing heavily but at least looked past his nervous breakdown. He leaned in close to James, his breath coming in huge heaves and gasps. "I'm scared," Sirius whispered.
James shook his head. "You’re not yourself. Come on, we still have to find Snape before he can tell anyone."
"Where did he go?" Sirius sounded like a toddler asking where his toy went. He still seemed about to burst into tears at any second.
"Let’s try the Slytherin common room."
As they were about to turn a corner, they heard a familiar voice.
"But sir””
"No ‘buts’! You’ve been out at night too many times, Mr. Snape. Fifty points from Slytherin. Now, I want a long talk with you in my office."
Sirius and James smiled to each other as they listened to Snape being led away by the professor.
"So, you’re safe at least until tomorrow,” James said cheerfully. “Let’s go back to Gryffindor tower. Maybe Peter or Remus knows the memory charm.”
"Okay," Sirius said, looking a little better. “Remus will know what to do. He always knows what to do.” He clapped his hands over his stomach. “Maybe we should stop to see Madam Pomfrey on the way. I think I had too much pudding.”
Sirius' Serious Squirrel Secret by The Scribbler
Chapter Notes: Disclaimer: The idea of "flaming pop tarts of doom" came from Schmerg_the_Impaler's fic "The Dark Lord's Blog" (which by the way is an AMAZING work of humor fiction).
Chapter Endnotes: How do you think the Marauders will stop Snape? Leave your idea in that pretty little box for reviews. Then click 'submit'!