~
The next morning, Remus and Peter heard everything that had happened the night before.
"You're scared of squirrels?" cackled Peter. Sirius glared in his direction. Peter fell completely silent two seconds later.
Taking advantage of the silence, Remus asked, “How are we supposed to hush up Snape, though? He's bound to tell someone soon."
"You're right. We need a plan," said James, stroking his chin evilly. He glanced at Remus. "Well?"
"What?"
"You're usually best in that department."
Remus sighed. "Well, okay. We could bribe him, but I don't know what he would want. We could threaten him, but you two bully him all the time as it is. We could tell a teacher, but they couldn't do much about it, I bet. Or... you could just tell everyone yourself, Sirius. It'd all smooth over in a few days and it'd be less humiliating at least. Otherwise, Snape will threaten you with it to get all kinds of stuff he wants until you refuse to take it anymore."
"Very wise, Moony,” James mused. He turned toward Sirius. "So, wanna try the bribing or the threatening, then?"
"Actually, I've got a better idea. If we just kill him..."
"You can't just kill Snape," Remus scolded.
“Not even a little bit?” Sirius whined. “Madame Promfrey could probably bring him back.”
Remus shook his head.
“I could break his neck. It’d be fast!”
Remus shook his head more resolutely.
“Can’t I at least break a leg or two?”
“Sirius, how many times do I have to tell you? You can’t just injure people whenever you feel like it.” Remus sighed sadly. “I know how you feel, but I’m sorry. That’s how the world is.”
Sirius pouted. "This is even worse than my date with Beverly.”
“Beverly?” James asked. “The girl who carries around that stuffed squirrel?”
“She couldn’t understand why I hated Larry,” Sirius muttered.
“Bev named the squirrel Larry? I knew a Larry once,” Peter said with disgust. “No wonder it was a bad date.”
Desperate to change the topic, Sirius offered, “We could just blackmail him."
“Who? Larry?” Peter asked.
“No! Snape!”
"Ooh... I like that idea..." Peter rubbed his hands together maliciously, an evil glint in his eye.
~
James and Sirius walked into the library after lunch when they had a break before their next class. Sirius stared dumbly at the rows and rows of bookshelves in awe.
“How can there be so many books in the world?”
“There are more books than this, Padfoot.” James, at least, wasn’t ignorant of books.
They started to wander among the shelves. Before long, however, they heard Remus’ voice.
“James! Sirius!” Remus sat at a nearby table scattered with books and parchment. “What are you two doing here? I don’t think I’ve ever seen you in the library.”
“That’s because we’ve never been in here,” Sirius stated matter-of-factly.
“Never?”
“Never,” James affirmed. “We had a good record going until today.”
“Well, what are you doing in here now?”
Sirius glanced shiftily around to make sure they were not being overheard. “We’re digging up some dirt.”
“Dirt?”
“Get in on the lingo, Remus! We’re getting dirt on Snape. We need something to blackmail him with.”
“Oh, that kind of dirt. Right. I’d rather stay out of this one,” Remus said, returning to his homework.
James rolled his eyes. “Your choice, but you’re missing out.” He turned to Sirius. “We should get a move on if we’re going to find him before Herbology.”
They made their way through the library slowly. Finally, they spotted Snape in a lonely corner surrounded by bookshelves. James moved a few heavy books aside on one of the bookshelves so he and Sirius could watch him.
“This is boring,” Sirius whispered after five long minutes of silent spying. “He’s not doing anything but homework.”
“I guess you’re right. We aren’t getting anywhere here.” Frustrated, James sighed and followed Sirius out of the library.
~
Over the next few days, Snape did not say a word to Sirius. No one even seemed to know Sirius’ secret yet. The Marauders began to wonder if Snape had somehow forgotten the night altogether.
Meanwhile, James and Sirius continued to try to find “dirt” on Snape. They soon discovered that Peter made a terrible spy, so he was left out on most of their expeditions. He did manage, however, to filch some of Snape’s things and even sneak into his dormitory on one occasion as a rat. Remus, on the other hand, did his best to ignore this blatant rule-breaking and figure out how to fix Sirius’ situation.
Despite all their efforts, they learned nothing to blackmail their enemy into submission. James and Sirius saw nothing incriminating. Peter could not find anything suspicious, and Remus had no idea what to do next. But Sirius was stubborn and insisted that they persist.
~
“Accio bag,” Sirius whispered during Transfiguration class.
Snape’s bag floated over and landed by Sirius’ chair. James grabbed it and began searching through the numerous papers. There were Charms homework, History of Magic essays, and Divination maps. He found quills and bottles of ink and extra sheets of parchment. Finally, Sirius grabbed the bag from him and dumped it out on their desk. No one in the class noticed. A few pineapples with furry tails made enough of a distraction as they hopped around the room, and Snape continued working to enchant his pineapple into a chipmunk.
Sirius frantically searched through Snape’s belongings, looking for anything to use against him. By the end of the class, he had still found nothing and was forced to push all of the belongings back into the bag and return it before Snape had the chance to miss it. James was equally disappointed but still had hope that Snape had some sort of dirt they could use.
“Let’s go back to the library. Maybe we missed something the last time,” James suggested to Sirius.
“Yeah, he’s got to be doing something wrong today!” Sirius replied enthusiastically and ran down the hall. Behind him, James ran to try to catch up.
~
When they arrived to the library, they walked straight toward the back corner where they had seen Snape before. They returned to their little window in the bookshelves and spied on him. Again, it did not appear that he was doing anything suspicious, but they decided to wait a little longer. It was good they did, since a little while later, Avery ran into the library. He whispered in Snape’s ear and the two ran into the hall. Snape left his papers behind, spread out on the table. Sirius immediately jumped out from behind the bookcase and began to search through the papers. James copied him, but suddenly stopped to look out the window.
Snape, Avery, and a few other Slytherins stood outside. They spoke together in a close huddle, so engrossed in the conversation that they didn’t notice the second year Gryffindor slowly sneaking up on them. When he was close enough to attack, he threw a Dungbomb into their huddle and sprinted off around a corner before they could see who committed the prank. James laughed as the group broke up, coughing and spluttering from the stench.
“What are you laughing at?” Sirius asked angrily. “This is no laughing matter, James. If we don’t find dirt on Snape, I’ll be the laughing stock of the school!”
“I’m laughing because Stevie Jones just bought us some more time,” James said.
Sirius looked out the window himself and immediately burst out laughing. “Brilliant! Now we can call him Dunghead Snivellus.”
“But first, let’s get this done with.” James picked up a stack of papers and threw them aside. What he saw underneath made his heart stop. He gently picked up a small square of paper lying on the table and read it aloud to Sirius.
Dear Lily,
Your eyes make my heartbeat flutter.
Your gaze turns my legs to butter.
I wish you were mine.
Do you want to dine?
If yes, meet me at midnight by the greenhouse.
I hope to see you soon, my dear little mouse.
Love,
Your Secret Admirer
James stood horrified and angry. Sirius, however, thought the whole thing hilarious.
“Snape has a crush on Evans? He doesn’t have a chance!” He snickered, holding his sides from bursting. “No ‘little mouse’ could appreciate that dreadful poetry.”
“This isn’t funny!” James nearly shrieked. “Don’t you get it? Snape is out for my girl!”
Sirius only laughed harder. “Your girl? Don’t let her hear you saying that. She’s never going to be your girl, mate, as long as she hates you.”
“Hates me? You told me that she was going to fall for me any day now!”
Sirius stopped laughing. “Oh, yeah.” He paused to think. “Yeah, I was lying then.”
“Great friend, you are, Padfoot,” James growled through gritted teeth.
Oblivious, Sirius continued, “Yeah, I think I do a pretty good job.”
James didn’t bother to respond. He clenched the note in his fist and stomped out of the library. Plans to charm Lily before Snape could get to her already stewed in his mind. He only needed to sort out his friend’s situation before he could put his ideas into action.
Sirius' Serious Squirrel Secret by The Scribbler
Chapter Notes: Thanks over and over again to my beta, Maddy (MadEyeMaddy)!!!