~
James and Sirius shared their finding that night with Peter and Remus in their dormitory.
“You know,” Peter said, “this might be just what we were looking for. A secret crush? It’s the ultimate blackmail!”
“For once, Peter, I think you may actually have a point,” Sirius replied in awe.
Remus lay down on his bed. “Are you actually considering this, then?”
“Considering what?” James mumbled through a mouthful of chocolate.
“Have you been listening to our conversation at all?”
“A little bit, but I’ve been eating these chocolate frogs that my mum sent me.” James stuffed the rest of his current frog into his mouth. “I’m still missing Merlin. It’s supposed to be common, but I can’t find it.”
“Quit talking, Prongs. You’re spraying me with chocolate,” Sirius said. He walked over to his own trunk and started to dig inside it. After a few minutes, he finally emerged with a chocolate frog he had stashed away months before. He quickly pulled off the wrapper and took out the collectable card.
“Well, will you look at that. Here, take this one. I must have good luck or something.”
“Are you serious?” James grabbed the card from Sirius’ hand, eagerly reading Merlin’s description. “That is completely unfair.”
Remus cleared his throat loudly to get James’ attention. “We’ve strayed from the topic, don’t you think?”
“Oh, yeah, right,” James replied and stuffed the card into his pocket. “When should we blackmail ol’ Snivellus?”
“Tonight!” Sirius immediately shouted.
Peter glanced at his alarm clock. “It’s late for that, isn’t it? It’s already past midnight.”
“Nonsense! We can sneak into his dormitory and surprise him while he’s sleeping. It’s a perfect plan.”
James looked doubtfully at Sirius’ excited face. “We’ll do it after one of our classes tomorrow.”
Sirius’ face fell. “Aw, Prongs, I wanted to do it tonight.”
“Well, it’s more like morning, now,” Peter interrupted unnecessarily. “Twelve AM, you know.”
~
“Snivellus!” James yelled down the hall as he charged toward Snape’s retreating back.
Snape visibly quickened his pace, but James moved too fast. Sirius soon caught up behind him and within seconds, Snape was flanked by the top two people on his “People that I Absolutely Despise and Loathe” list.
“We need to talk to you, Snivellus,” Sirius said with an evil grin.
“Yeah, Snivellus, we need to talk to you immediately.” James stepped in front of Snape and pushed him back into Sirius. Sirius automatically shoved Snape back. James slid out of the way and nimbly tripped Snape with the talent that comes from a repeated routine. “Don’t you love bothering him?” he added to Sirius as Snape stumbled and fell.
“You’re right about talking,” Snape coughed as he pushed himself off the ground. “I’m ready to discuss my demands.”
“Demands?” Sirius laughed. He turned to James. “Snivellus has demands, James. What do we do now?”
Snape sneered and continued, “First of all, you will no longer call me ‘Snivellus’.” He brushed off his robes. “Also, never touch me again.”
“I’m sorry that I’m the one to tell you this. Wait, no, I’m actually happy to tell you this. Neither of those will happen, Snivellus,” James replied smugly.
Snape hesitated for only a moment before smirking as if to some private joke. “Perhaps you’ve forgotten, Potter. I know your friend’s secret and unless you two cooperate, the entire school will soon find out.”
“That’s funny,” Sirius teased, “because we know a little secret of yours as well.” He pulled the note from his pocket and waved it in the air. “Lily will soon find out about your crush if you say a single word about my secret to anyone.”
To James and Sirius’ amazement, Snape began to laugh. “In case you two numbskulls failed to learn to read, I was planning on revealing myself anyway.”
James and Sirius bent their heads over the slip of paper and read the note again.
“It does say that,” James finally said. “That doesn’t matter, though. It’ll be ten times worse when she hears it from us rather than you.”
Yet again, the comment did not produce the desired reaction of hysterical panic and pleading for mercy. Instead, Snape merely stood there, his face expressionless. After a minute or two of Snape staring at James and Sirius and the two glaring back, Snape finally broke the silence.
“Shall I continue with my demands, now?” he asked. “Tomorrow during Transfiguration, Black, you will serenade Professor McGonagall or else I might let slip something embarrassing at dinner.”
Sirius glared at Snape, his hands clenched in fists at his sides. “If you do, we’ll tell everyone about your teddy bear.”
Shocked, James slowly turned to Sirius, his mouth agape.
Snape raised an eyebrow. “I’ve never owned a teddy bear.”
Sirius smirked and relaxed. He had his response ready and promptly sneered, “Bad childhood, huh?”
“Can I speak to you privately?” James hissed through clenched teeth. He yanked on Sirius’ arm and spun him around. They huddled together to talk with their backs turned to Snape. James whispered frantically, “Peter never found a teddy bear in Snape’s dormitory. We can’t use that for blackmail if it’s not true.”
“Maybe Snape doesn’t know that we know that he doesn’t have a teddy bear because he doesn’t know that the fact that he has a teddy bear isn’t true,” Sirius pointed out confidently. “Trust me. Mocking Snape is my specialty.”
“What are you even talking about?” James whispered back. Without waiting for an answer, he rolled his eyes and turned to face Snape again.
“Don’t try to hide it. We know about your teddy, Snivellus,” Sirius said.
“And if you tell anyone about Sirius’ secret, we’ll announce to the entire school about your secret,” James finished, deciding to go with Sirius’ strange plan.
“I have no idea what you imbeciles are blathering on about,” Snape replied in a bored tone of voice, “but I suggest you choose a different tactic if you honestly think you have any hope of stopping me,”
This time, Sirius was the one to grab James and yank him around to have a private conversation. “We’ve been discovered. What now, James?” he said, not bothering to whisper.
“I can hear you,” Snape announced from behind them.
James ignored him and put a hand on Sirius’ shoulder. “Hold on. I have everything under control.”
The two turned to face Snape again. “We were just testing you,” James said. “We know all of your dark secrets, and if you don’t keep quiet, we will expose them.”
“Dark secrets? Ha! Which ones, then?” Snape scoffed back.
“You know which ones,” James replied. “Let’s go, Padfoot.” As he walked away, he stealthily sneaked his wand out of his pocket. Within a second, he aimed it over his shoulder and whispered, “Petrificus totalus.”
Sirius glanced over his own shoulder to see Snape fall flat on the ground, stiff and motionless. “Oh, no. You touched him, Prongs. Now you’re in for it.”
~
Remus dropped a colossal book down on the table. “I think I’ve solved your problem, Padfoot!” he exclaimed, effectively waking Sirius from his nap.
“What?” Sirius asked, still groggy. Unsurprisingly, he had dozed off while Remus had been helping him study for the upcoming History of Magic exam. He noticed a wide pool of drool on his notes and attempted to dry them off with his sleeve. The ink only smeared into a blotchy mess.
“I mean your problem with Snape. I think I know how to stop him from blackmailing you,” Remus insisted through Sirius’ dazed state.
“I think I see a cactus,” Sirius said in reply as he stared at his ruined set of notes, “or is that the grim? One day, I bet Professor Trelawney will terrify some poor kid by claiming that the grim is following him. You know, I look a little like a grim when I’m a dog.”
“You’re just like James. Are you even listening?”
Sirius merely pushed the parchment to Remus and pointed at the biggest ink blot. “What does that look like to you?”
Remus leaned closer to the paper, squinting his eyes as he examined the blot. “I don’t know. It could be a student sleeping when he should be studying if you squint your eyes a little like this.” He looked up to squint in Sirius’ direction.
Ignoring Remus’ look, Sirius pulled the parchment back and squinted his eyes. “Really? All I can see now is a big smudge.” He paused to look up at Remus. “Don’t you think it looks more like a smudge?”
“Of course it’s a smudge, Sirius! It’s an ink blot!” Remus shouted, drawing the attention of half the common room.
Unfazed, Sirius stared back down at the parchment. “Oh, is that what it is?”
Exasperated, Remus fell back in his chair and covered his face with his hands. He took a moment to calm himself before trying to actually converse with Sirius again.
“Sirius, while you were sleeping, I went down to the library and found this book on phobias,” he spoke as calmly as he could. He opened the cover of the book he had dropped on the desk and flipped through the pages. “It explains how to overcome your fears. If we can cure your fear of squirrels, then Snape will have nothing to blackmail you with. See?” Remus looked up at Sirius and found him sleeping again, his cheek resting on the smudge-like blot.
Sirius' Serious Squirrel Secret by The Scribbler
Chapter Notes: Beta: MadEyeMaddy. Inspiration: JK Rowling. Thank you both!
Chapter Endnotes: Did you like the chapter? Review if you did. Review if you didn't. Constructive criticism is welcome!