*

My man walked out the other day

He left me for a hag

It Stunned me more than I can say

And then it made me gag.

Had she Disarmed him with a spell?

How did it come to this?

I can’t believe she stole his heart

With no more than a kiss!

*

Well, she can have him!

I will not waste

The gift of my undying love

On such a man (with such bad taste)!

*

For ten full days the pain was such

That I was quite unwell

I wept and sobbed so very much

My face began to swell

I had to take a Calming Draught

To stop the wails and snorts

But then I thought of her and laughed

I hope she gives him warts!

*

Oh, she can have him!

That rancid tart!

I hope she boils his eyes in oil

And spices it with his black heart!

*

These cheery thoughts did quite a bit

To help relieve the pain

Suddenly inspiration hit

And made me smile again

For in his haste to fly the nest

He’d left his things behind

I burned the robes that he loved best

Revenge hot on my mind!

*

Well, she can have him!

That (blank-blank)tute

Will have to clothe him head to toe

Now that I’ve left him destitute!

*

Such therapy did this afford

That I could not stop there

I sold his prized Quidditch league board

And his antique armchair

I posted Howlers to his boss

Pretending I was him

His poor employer was very cross

And hexed him limb from limb!

*

Oh, she can have him!

The shameless moo

Will need to bonk for Britain now

That she is working to feed two!

*

I saw them kissing in the park

It made me want to cry

I followed them both after dark

And hexed them on the fly

I hid behind the rambling rocks

And turned their skin bright green

Told healers they had dragon pox

Worst case I’ve ever seen

*

Well, she can have him!

Once he is cured

St Mungo’s treatments don’t come cheap

(And that green cad was not insured)!

*

Now I have had my sweet revenge

And justice has been served

My wounded pride I did avenge

They got what they deserved!

Oh, fickle men, when you betray

Your wives, it’s so unjust

But take heed of the price you’ll pay

For your unbridled lust

*

Oh, they can have you!

Those floozy tarts!

I hope they’re riddled with disease

That soon infect your manly parts!

*

Ba dum di dum, ba dum di dum,

Tra la la la la la!

Shoo doop di doop, shoo doop di doop,

Fa la la la la la!

(Repeat last verse to fade)