Do you think that I know something you don't know
What do you want from me?
If I don't promise you the answers would you go
What do you want from me?
Should I stand out in the rain
Do you want me to make a daisy chain for you
I'm not the one that you need
What do you want from me?
You can have anything you want
You can drift, you can dream, even walk on water
Anything you want
You can own everything you see
Sell your soul for complete control
Is that really what you need
You can lose your selfish mind
See inside there is nothing to hide
Turn and face the light
What do you want from me?
-Pink Floyd
“Cedrella, I have a bone to pick with you.”
“Please pick a different expression, Charis, that sounds so vulgar,” Cedrella said, looking up from her book to face her sister and feeling dread settle in her stomach as she did so.
“It sounds fine,” Charis said, perching on the end of Cedrella’s bed. Cedrella raised her eyebrows and Charis sighed. “All right, fine. Cedrella, I need to talk to you about something important.”
“Much better. What is it, Charis?” Cedrella laid her book (it was Demetrius Weasley’s second one, which Septimus had given her a few days ago) down, faking a calm she did not feel. She had not had a proper conversation with her sister in over two weeks, ever since she had confronted her in the Great Hall and demanded what on earth she had been talking to Rodney Selwyn for. Memories of that unpleasant encounter, and Charis’ vague casualness and general disinterest in where Cedrella had disappeared to for a night, chased themselves across Cedrella’s mind as she looked into her sister’s face now. She had been convinced then, and she still was, that her sister was hiding something from her. Or at least that she was not being entirely truthful with her. It made Cedrella extremely uneasy, especially because she thought it might have something to do with Selwyn. In ordinary circumstances Cedrella would have confronted Charis about it, point blank. Even Septimus had advised her to do so, but she couldn’t bring herself to say anything. Her guilt at her own deception still ate at her and somehow Cedrella felt that it wouldn’t be fair to demand honesty from Charis if she herself didn’t want to give it in return. That, and she was rather afraid of what she might hear. Well, I may be about to find out,she thought now.
Charis settled herself more securely on her sister’s bed, crossing her legs neatly and leaning towards Cedrella, her chin resting on her hand. “I think that I’ve figured out why Father won’t sign a betrothal agreement with the Malfoys,” she said.
Cedrella blinked, taken completely by surprise. “What?” she paused, frowning at her sister. “Hold on a moment, Charis. How do you know the Malfoys have even made an offer? Father may not”“
“I know,” Charis interrupted, “because Lucifer let slip that they were going to, after the World Cup this summer. And so I wrote to Father to tell him that I have been enjoying spending time with Lucifer and that I approve and that I hoped he would accept the offer when it came.”
“Why didn’t you tell me when you wrote the letter?” Cedrella demanded, slightly hurt. She usually wrote their letters home, and if Charis was sending one individually Cedrella always went over it with her beforehand.
Charis looked slightly guilty, but she said, raising her chin defiantly, “You were busy. You do know you’re never around anymore, don’t you? And anyway, I have to learn to write letters on my own sometime.”
“Well of course you do,” Cedrella said placatingly. She felt much calmer now that she knew all Charis wanted to talk about was Lucifer, like usual. “But such an important letter…that could have gone badly wrong.”
“Well, it didn’t,” Charis said. “Mattie and Lucifer both looked over it for me, and”“
“You showed it to Lucifer?”
“Yes.”
The sisters stared at each other for a moment, Cedrella disapproving and worried, and Charis defiant once more.
“It’s not the eighteen hundreds anymore, Cedrella,” Charis said finally. “Today marriage is supposed to be a partnership, from the very beginning. You should know, with all of your talk about moving the Blacks into the modern world by keeping you at Hogwarts two years longer.”
“You know perfectly well I only said that to convince Father,” Cedrella said, amazed at her sister’s sharp snappishness. This was not a side of Charis she had seen often, and never directed at her.
“And if he ever finds out that Lucifer saw that letter, which he won’t, I have just as good an excuse as you did,” Charis retorted.
“Perhaps, but that’s beside the point.”
“Yes it is,” Charis agreed, sitting up straighter. “Because you haven’t let me finish. My letter must have been all right, because Father replied and thanked me for my input and said that Mr. Malfoy had actually already approached him. And Father told him he was interested, but he was going to hold off on promising anything for now.” Charis’ lips curled into a half-smile at Cedrella’s raised eyebrows. “I was surprised, too! And quite excited. But I was also confused”I mean, the Malfoys are one of the few families that are just as pure as the Blacks. It seems like Father would be jumping on the offer. He wouldn’t need to make it public yet, but I mean, what if the Malfoys got tiered of waiting and the only person left for me to marry was Arnold Macmillan!”
“I thought you liked Arnold Macmillan,” Cedrella said, remembering her fantasy at Christmastime that her sister would marry into one of the Hufflepuff families.
Charis looked baffled. “I do, he’s very nice. But Cedrella--that’s completely beside the point. I’m talking about who I am actually going to marry, and I’m sure you’d agree that Father would definitely pick a Malfoy over a Macmillan any day. To marry a Black to a Malfoy would mean absolute purity of blood”“
“You sound like Mother,” Cedrella said, her insides twisting inexplicably. “Charis, I’m sure that if you wanted to marry someone like Arnold we could talk Father into it without much trouble”“
“Cedrella, are you even listening to me? I don’t want to marry Arnold, for Merlin’s sake! I want to marry Lucifer! And I was confused about why Father didn’t immediately sign an agreement, because you have to admit it makes sense that he would. Stop trying to change the subject!”
Cedrella had opened her mouth to retort, but she closed it, regarding her sister with surprise and a little bit of horror. It was unfathomable to her why Charis was so excited to get married. When did you grow such a backbone? she wanted to ask. And how can you think of marrying Lucifer Malfoy now, you’re only fourteen! But she didn’t. Instead, with no small amount of effort, she pulled to mind her father and the many intricacies of the Pureblood world, both things which had begun recently to seem like distant and almost unimportant bad memories. “All right,” she said to Charis. “I’m sorry. Yes, I think…I would think that Father would accept the offer from the Malfoys, too.”
“Exactly,” Charis said. “But he hasn’t”and I think I’ve figured out why. It’s because of you.”
“Because of me?” Cedrella echoed, her unease returning in a rush.
“Well, sort of. I think it’s because he’s embarrassed to promise his younger daughter when he hasn’t even made arrangements for his older one, who is almost of age. I mean, what does that say about you to everyone else? That you’re undesirable or something? He couldn’t have that, and besides it isn’t true. You’re probably the most eligible Pureblood girl in the country. He couldn’t chance tarnishing that image, could he?”
Cedrella swallowed in a panicky sort of way. This conversation was not headed in a good direction. “But you said yourself the betrothal wouldn’t be made public right away anyhow. So it wouldn’t matter”“
Charis waved a hand impatiently. “People would find out. Everyone usually knows about a big engagement like that before it is announced in the Prophet, you know that. Remember Callidora and Harfang, or even Rodney and Rosalyn this winter? A few people have already said things to me about it, I’ve been spending so much time with Lucifer lately. So when Rodney said”“ She stopped at the look on Cedrella’s face.
“No, Charis, go on. What did ‘Rodney’ say?”
“He just asked me casually when Lucifer and I were going to set a date! Honestly, Cedrella, stop overacting.”
“That”bully”punched me in the face hard enough to make me bleed, Charis! I don’t see how I’m overreacting. I don’t want you to go anywhere near Rodney Selwyn, much less be on first name terms and discussing your non-existent betrothal. Not only does that spread rumors unnecessarily, it’s dangerous. I told you this two weeks ago, I want you to stay away from him”“
“I don’t have to listen to you all the time, you know!” Charis said crossly. “Especially because all you ever do anymore is boss me around. I’m going to be fifteen in two months, and I can take care of myself. By the time you were fifteen, you already thought you knew everything. Besides, I don’t think I would ever be foolish or rude enough to call Rodney ‘blood-traitor, half-blood trash,’ so I’m probably safe.”
“I didn’t”“ Cedrella stopped. Arguing with this strange new Charis was going to get them nowhere. She took a deep breath, wondering what had made her sister into this sharp, defiant young woman and trying to master her fear at the thought that Charis might not listen to her or consult her about anything anymore. She may be learning, but Cedrella knew that her sister was still clueless and naïve about some things, and the thought of what their father might do to her if she messed up made Cedrella’s stomach turn. “Listen,” she said finally, with forced calm. “I know you’re growing up. I know you can do lots of things on your own now”like writing to Father, you must have done quite well. But that doesn’t mean you can be rude to me, Charis, or disregard my opinion completely, especially about something as important as this. I have a very, very good reason for mistrusting Rodney Selwyn, and I want you, please, to stay away from him.”
Charis did not speak for a long time. Cedrella thought that she looked rather conflicted”slightly guilty, perhaps confused, still a little defiant. It was a curious experience, watching her sister’s face that she knew so well and having next to no idea what was going through her mind. Charis’ thoughts were not usually very difficult to decipher. Finally she raised her eyes to meet Cedrella’s. Her expression had settled on a sort of determination.
“All right,” she said, in a measured voice. “That’s fair. I’m not going to ignore him, though, if he talks to me”I mean, we have proof that it isn’t a good idea to be rude to him. But I’ll stay clear of him as much as I can.”
“Promise me.”
“I promise, Cedrella, really. Now, can we talk about what I came here to talk about, please?”
“Yes, all right. When did you become such a negotiator, Charis?” Having made her point, Cedrella felt much calmer, even though they were still discussing her impending engagement. At least Charis would be safe… or safer, anyway.
Her sister gave another half-smile. “Maybe I learned it from you.”
“Maybe.”
“So, do you think that I’m right? Do you think Father really might just be holding off because he wants to have you promised to someone first?”
“Again, maybe.” Cedrella did not want to say what she really thought: that, most likely, Charis was absolutely, certainly, one hundred percent right.
“Cedrella,” Charis said, “if I miss out on the chance to marry Lucifer because you’re too busy studying and being introverted to talk to any potential boys, then I am never going to forgive you.” She sounded (to Cedrella’s relief) like she was teasing, but something about her tone told Cedrella that to some extent she was serious, as well.
“It’s not completely my fault that I’m not betrothed yet, Charis. Father could quite easily make an agreement without consulting me at all, and he hasn’t done that yet.”
“You know he doesn’t want to do that,” Charis said. “I mean, no doubt he will, at the rate you’re going, but I bet that he’s going to wait as long as possible and hope that you show preference for someone suitable. Unless he got a really good offer, I suppose.”
“That’s true,” Cedrella said. “And I like it that way, Charis. I’m quite glad he gives us the illusion we have some choice in the matter, anyway. It is the polite thing to do.”
“I know,” Charis said. “But my point is that I could lose my choice while I’m waiting for your husband to be picked for you at the last minute. I know you don’t want to get engaged, for some reason, but it’s going to happen, and you can’t get married until after you leave Hogwarts next summer anyway. Being betrothed right now wouldn’t really change anything.”
“So you want me to tell Father to hurry up and pick someone, so that he can say yes to the Malfoys, too?”
“Yes! Or, you know, pick someone yourself. Father might even announce the engagements at the same time, it would be quite the celebration. Just think what a grand party we could throw this summer, Cedrella, and we would be the guests of honor…”
“I see you’ve thought this out quite thoroughly,” Cedrella said dryly, feeling slightly relieved to hear a hint of Charis’ usual vain chatter.
“I’ve been thinking of hardly anything else for two weeks. It’s perfect, because we both have only one year left at Hogwarts. The timing all works out. I’ve thought that perhaps we could wear matching gowns, and”“
“Don’t get ahead of yourself, Charis,” Cedrella said.
Charis frowned. “What is that supposed to mean?”
“It means that I’m not going to pick a random boy to marry just because you ask me to. It doesn’t even work that way, Charis, I can’t just write Father and say ‘by the way, I’ve decided to marry Marvin Burke’ or something like that. It would take all kinds of negotiations, and”“
“I know that,” Charis said, waving a hand. “But it’s only March, you have time. You can spend some time with some of them, make a choice, write some brilliant letter to Father, and have the whole thing sorted by June!”
Cedrella refrained from rolling her eyes with extreme difficulty, and then almost laughed at the thought of how much eye rolling Septimus was going to do when she relayed this conversation to him later. Eye rolling and outraged muttering, without a doubt.
“What?” Charis asked. She looked cross again.
“Nothing,” Cedrella said.
“Well, will you do it? This way you get to choose yourself, and it won’t change really anything at all for you, and I can be absolutely sure I can marry Lucifer. I don’t really care about the ball or the gowns,” she added anxiously, when Cedrella didn’t say anything. “That would just be fun, if it were to happen. But we don’t have to have a party at all. Well actually, we probably won’t get much of a choice if we do or we don’t. But we could have them separately, or”“
“Charis, stop babbling. I don’t care about the party either.”
“Oh, all right. But will you write to Father? Please, Cedrella?”
Cedrella looked into her sister’s earnest face and wondered again what had happened. She still sensed that the “tell-the-truth-but-not-all-of-it” trick was being used on her, but she didn’t press the point. She just regarded Charis for a while, her thoughts whirling around in her head, thoughts of what she was going to do after Hogwarts, thoughts that she usually kept hidden and suppressed. And thoughts, unbidden ones that had no place in this conversation, of Septimus.
“I’ll think about it, Charis. I really will. That’s the best answer you’re going to get from me for now.”
**
Cedrella did, indeed think about it. In fact she thought of little else but her conversation with Charis for days afterwards. All of it was deeply troubling: that Charis was clearly hiding something from her, the fact the she had been speaking to Selwyn, the idea that she was so eagar to marry, that Charis was, at this point, probably going to marry Lucifer, who Cedrella had never liked or trusted, and the request her sister had made which, unfortunately, made a horrible kind of sense to Cedrella. But worst of all, it had unlocked her thoughts about the future. And so when she wasn’t picking over the more immediate, pressing problems of Charis’ safety or lack of honesty, Cedrella felt herself sinking into thoughts of what was going to happen, once the year was over. Once Septimus graduated. Once she had to go home for the summer. And then, once she herself had to leave Hogwarts and had to get married and move away and live the rest of her life as a proper, Pureblood wife. Six months ago this prospect had been unpleasant, but not unbearable. Cedrella had always faced her future with an “I’ll worry about that when it happens” sort of attitude, and it had served her well. But try as she might, she couldn’t call up that old resignation. No, these days, as she sat in the library pretending to be immersed in her research, she felt nothing but pure dread and a terrible wrenching in her gut at the idea of it.
Septimus found her one such evening, a few days after her discussion with Charis. Cedrella was curled into a chair in the back corner of the library, hugging her knees to her chest in an attempt to ease the pain in her stomach that seared there every time she thought about “what was going to happen next,” feeling frustrated and ashamed at herself. She knew it was him before she opened her eyes.
“Hey, Drell,” he said quietly, confirming this.
She opened her eyes and looked up at him. He stood there in his Quidditch robes, red-haired and windswept as usual, looking at her with a concerned expression. “Hi.”
“Are you all right?”
“I”yes, I’m just fine, I was only…”
She trailed off. Septimus had given her a skeptical look and she knew he knew she was not, in that moment, just fine. “Do you want to take a walk?”
“We can’t”“ Cedrella stopped. It was late, almost curfew, on a Wednesday night. Nobody is going to be out on the grounds, she thought. “All right,” she agreed, setting aside the book that she had not been reading, anyway. Septimus reached out a hand to help her up and pulled her to his chest, crushing her in a hug. Cedrella sank into his arms with relief, pressing her nose to his shoulder, feeling her tension and fear ebb away, at least for a moment. Eventually she looked up. “Let’s go.”
Septimus picked up her school bag, which had been sitting beside the chair, and slung it over his shoulder. Then the two of them set off through the corridors, walking very close together, their hands brushing often as they walked. They met no one except a few ghosts, and as soon as Septimus had eased open the oak front doors and slipped into the shadows along the edge of the castle, he took Cedrella’s hand firmly in his own and kissed her fingertips. She smiled, pulling their linked hands down and covering his lips with hers. “Hi,” she whispered, and she could feel him smile.
“That should be how we say hello,” he agreed, when they had pulled apart.
Cedrella laughed quietly. “In a perfect world, yes.”
Septimus stroked the back of her hand. “How much longer do we have to keep this a secret, again?”
Cedrella frowned, her earlier thoughts returning in a rush. “Sep…”
“Sorry,” he said quickly. “Forget I said anything. We don’t have to talk about that right now. We don’t have to talk about anything! Let’s just walk.”
“We’ll walk,” Cedrella agreed, allowing Septimus to take her hand once more and lead her through the shadows towards the path that led to the greenhouses. “But actually that’s sort of what I was thinking about before. The future, I mean. You remember I told you the other day that I spoke with Charis?”
“Yes,” he said, and Cedrella could hear a slight note of trepidation in his voice.
“Well, at first I just thought she wanted to talk about Lucifer, as usual”“
“Creep,” Septimus muttered.
Cedrella laughed. “Rather, yes. Anyway, she started talking about the possibility of being betrothed to him, and…” she relayed the entire conversation to Septimus: Rodney Selwyn, the engagement offer, Charis’ changed and defiant manner, and her sister’s request. “So I told her I would think about it, which I have been, often. When I’m not worrying about her, of course. But quite aside from the fact that I’m half afraid she’s going to get beat up by Selwyn, I’ve been thinking constantly about my future, and what I want, and what I have to do now…”
Septimus listened to her entire account with the slightly pained and bemused expression he usually wore when she tried to explain something about her family, though he had offered his commentary with a fair share of eye rolling and muttering, as she had predicted. “Well,” he said now, “what do you have to do?”
Cedrella said nothing, taking a moment to marvel at the fact that Septimus, who seemed so lighthearted and carefree and hotheaded most of the time, could take all of her rambling and find the one question that got straight to the heart of it all. It was a gift, she was certain. “I don’t know,” she said eventually. “I mean, I do on some level”I have to finish this year and the next at Hogwarts, and then get married to whoever Father picks and spend the rest of my life as a perfect wife. I’ve always known that. But I don’t know what else I have to do to make that prospect more…bearable.”
“Then don’t!”
“What?”
“Don’t go through with that, not if you don’t want to! I’ve told you before, that’s just cruel. Your life should be about what you want, Drell.”
Cedrella smiled bitterly. “Perhaps it should, but it isn’t. It never has been. My life belongs to the Blacks, Sep. I just… I get to borrow it, while I’m here at Hogwarts.”
“That’s ridiculous.”
“I know it is, to you. But that’s”“
“That’s just the way it is,” Septimus finished, angrily.
“Yes.”
She could see him scowling in the half-light. They made their way behind the greenhouses and across the vegetable patch, down to the edge of the lake. Here Septimus stopped, sitting down in the grass against the trunk of a young tree and pulling Cedrella down with him. They sat there in silence, Cedrella staring at Septimus and he at the water. She desperately wanted to know what he was thinking, though she could guess with a fair amount of certainty that it was something rebellious.
“All right,” Septimus said suddenly. “So that’s what you have to do. Just forget about that for a minute. What do you want to do?”
Cedrella looked at his shadowed face, meeting his determined glare, and then gazed out across the lake. “I want to relive this year, over and over and over again,” she said quietly. “I never want to get married and I never want to go home and I want to study and learn and be with you. Always. But Sep,” she said at his sharp intake of breath, a little desperately, “what use is it doing me to want that? I can never have it. Time is going to keep on passing just as it always does, as sure as breathing, and this year will be over and then all wanted it back is going to do is make me miserable. It’s not worth it. I can never have what I want, and I’ve always known it, so what use is it to want something, anyway?”
“If you want something,” Septimus said, in a low voice, “then you can make it happen. There might be consequences, and it might be difficult, but it’s in your power to be whatever you want to be. Don’t go telling me you’re some sort of helpless damsel pawn in your twisted Pureblood world. I know better. You’re more than that.”
Cedrella swallowed painfully. It was so easy to believe Septimus’ words when he talked like that”and she wanted to believe them, more than she had ever wanted anything. “I”can’t,” she choked out after a moment, feeling, to her horror, hot tears threatening in the back of her eyes. “I can’t start thinking that way, Sep. You’re more than that. You always have been. But I’m… I’m a Black. Whatever you say about “wanting” things and making them happen, that’s never going to change. It’s all I’ll ever be.”
“That’s not true!” Septimus stood up suddenly, towering over her, his voice furious. “Listen to me, Cedrella, I know you better than anyone, and I know you can do better than that! It’s pathetic the way you’re letting them dictate your life when you’re the one who”“
“Don’t call me pathetic, Septimus Weasley,” Cedrella said, standing up too. “Do you know how hard I’ve worked? How bloody hard it is to be this perfect all the time? How well I’ve dealt with hiding my relationship with you from the entire castle? Do you even understand how difficult that’s been? How bluntly do you need me to say it? I. Have. No. Choice.”
“There’s always a choice!”
“That,” Cedrella snapped, “is a fanciful lie. Do you think my mother had a choice, when she was engaged to my father at age twelve? Do you think my favorite cousin Marius had a choice when my aunt and uncle threw him out of the house when he was seven years old because they were pretty sure he was a Squib? Did I have a choice when I was beat for the first time when I was five because I stopped to talk to a Muggle girl on the street? Did your precious father have a choice to live or die when he was trampled by that horse?”
Septimus looked as if she had slapped him, and his eyes had gone wide. “Stop it. Stop it! That has nothing”NOTHING”to do with what we’re talking about right now, d’you hear me? Of course he didn’t have a damn choice, it was an accident! But you”you marrying some filthy rich Pureblood just because you think you don’t have enough of a spine to say no, that’s something else.”
Cedrella immediately regretted saying it, but she wasn’t about to take it back. She felt frustrated and panicked, as if she had to make him see, had to make him understand why she was doing this. “It’s not,” she said. “I have next to no control over this situation, just like your father. You don’t understand, because you’re a blood traitor and a boy, but it’s true, all right? That’s why I’m seriously considering doing what Charis wants me too”just picking someone halfway decent before I lose any control of the situation that I might have once had!”
Septimus looked away. “Fine,” he muttered. “Why don’t you just go pick someone now? Cozy up to that creep Marvin Burke or something. You should have done it ages ago, if this is the way it’s going to be.” He paused, and Cedrella saw his angry expression slip. For a moment, he looked close to tears. Then he met her eyes again, his face hardened once more. “Go on. Get. Why haven’t you done it before now?”
“Because of you!” she cried, his bitterness and hurt almost more than she could bear. “Because of you, Septimus! Because the last few months have been the happiest ones of my life and I wasn’t about too lose that before I had to, and besides I hate the idea of you being unhappy like this, that’s what started everything in the first place, before I even knew you. I can’t stand it, Sep, I can’t!”
“Well, maybe you don’t have a choice!”
“What is that supposed to mean?”
“I’m perfectly entitled to be unhappy if the girl I love is planning to desert me for some creep she hardly knows just because she thinks she has to!”
“Of course you are, Sep! But I”what?”
“What?”
“You…you said…” She could not complete the sentence. She merely stared at him, her heart pounding frantically in her chest.
She couldn’t be sure, as they were standing in almost complete darkness by now, but she thought she saw a dull flush creeping up his face and into his ears. “Oh. Yeah. Sorry. Umm… I love you. Did I”did I mention that?”
“Yes,” she said faintly. “Yes, you just did.” She stared at him, unable to form any more words, her thoughts swirling feverishly. I love you too, I love you she thought. And then :What on earth am I going to do now?
Soldiers by dominiqueweasley
Chapter Notes: Things need to be discussed, and Cedrella has to face them.