I could write my name by the age of three
and I don't need anyone to cut my meat for me.
I'm a big girl now, see my big girl shoes.
It'll take more than just a breeze to make me
Fall over, fall over, fall overboard, overboard.
Fall overboard just so you can catch me.
But as strong as I seem to think I am, my distressing damsel
She comes out at night when the moon's filled up
and your eyes are bright,
then I think I simply ought to
Fall over, fall over, fall overboard, overboard.
Fall overboard just so you can catch me.
You can catch me
And I never thought I'd be the type to fall, to fall.
To fall, to fall, to fall...
-Ingrid Michaelson
Cedrella had never worked as hard as she did that day to pay attention in class. She felt as if the compartments of her mind had bypassed disobedience and simply imploded. Class was mingling with owls, which was mixing with family, which was blending with research, and over everything thoughts of Septimus hung like a curtain, obscuring and distorting anything else she tried to focus on.
She wondered, as she sat at lunch, if anyone else could notice the difference in her, or if they still saw the stony, collected, perfect Cedrella she had always presented to the world. Luckily, Charis was busy talking to Lucifer Malfoy and some of her other friends whenever Cedrella saw her that day. Charis would have noticed something, Cedrella was sure. She could certainly see it herselfâ”her grey eyes looked wider and wilder than usual, as though shutters behind them had been thrown open.
She picked at her stew, cursing the fact that even the white of the milk in her goblet reminded her of Septimus, of the snow⌠the scene played behind her eyelids once more and she watched, in agony, as he came nearer and nearer, before kissing her firmly on the lips. And then after a moment she had pulled away, again, and ignoring his excuses and calls she had sprinted away, up the path, back to the castle, and hadnât stopped running until she reached her dormitory. Cedrella hated the fact that she had run away, but she had yet to come up with another solution. She couldnât bear the idea of ending her friendship with Septimus, especially not after Christmas and the previous two nights. But she was terrified of how uncontrolled she felt around him sometimes. And she couldnât kiss him. She couldnât. It was wrong. She had to draw the line somewhere, didnât she? Didnât she?
Cedrella felt vaguely panicky by the time her last class of the day, Potions, arrived and the same thoughts were still chasing each other around her head. You canât go to detention tonight. Lie. Say youâre sickâ”or actually make yourself sick... No! If you donât go tonight when will you ever see him again? She pressed a hand to her forehead as she headed across the Entrance Hall to the dungeons, trying to clear it of images of snow and red hair.
âAre you feeling all right, Black?â
She opened her eyes. It was Rodney Selwyn, leaning against the wall and leering at her. âIâm fine,â she snapped, without thinking. Then she realized how angry she probably looked, and tried to smooth over her features into their usual calm. âReally, Selwyn,â she added in a much quieter voice, as he raised one eyebrow. âI just have a bit of a headache, is all. Now, if youâll excuse me, I have to get to classâŚâ She turned to go.
He grabbed her wrist. âFine, Black, brush me off, but maybe you should go to the Hospital Wing and get something for that headache, if itâs so painful itâs making you rude.â
Cedrella took a deep breath, yanking her hand away from him. She had never wanted to hex someone so badly in her life. Why did Rodney have to choose today, of all days, to antagonize her? âIf itâs the cure for rudeness youâre recommending, Selwyn, you need twice the dose that I do.â
âNow, Cedrella, thatâs not nice,â he said, his voice still teasing but his eyes glittering angrily. He reached out and put a hand on her shoulder, and she jerked away from him again.
âWhen have I ever been given a reason to be nice to you, Selwyn? Just because your father has impressed upon you that everyone should be kissing your feet? You are a spoiled bully, and you have to be civil towards me because there are seven generations of purebloods in my family before yours was even recorded. Fortunately, I have no such obligation.â
Selwynâs face had become an ugly scowl as she spoke. âEven if that were true, Black, it doesnât excuse a girl from her manners. Taking a crack at my father and speaking like that will get you nowhere but disgrace and a marriage to blood traitor, half-blood trash, and thatâs if youâre lucky.â
âSuch as yourself, you mean? Then itâs a good thing no one would ever take your word over mine.â
In a flash, Rodney Selwyn had grabbed her by the hair and hit her in the face. Cedrella found herself jerking away, trying to duck under his outstretched arm. Her long hair slipped halfway through his hand before he tightened his grip and swung her around, striking her again. Cedrella slammed her hand into his windpipe as hard as she could and he released her, falling back, gasping.
Cedrella spit blood out of her mouth and drew her wand. âPetrificus Totalus!â she gasped, and Rodneyâs limbs locked together, immobilized. As he fell, someone yelled âleave her alone!â and as if she had summoned him out of her imagination, Septimus came charging into view, wand drawn. A moment later Rodney Selwyn had crumpled at their feet, knocked out by the combination of Septimusâ stunning spell and her own body bind.
Septimusâ wand and book bag clattered to the stone floor and he turned to Cedrella, looking furious and frightened and unsure of what to do with his hands. âAre you all right?â
She simply stared at him for a moment, allowing her brain to catch up with her senses. She had lost her temper. Rodney had hit her. She had hit him back and cursed him and won. And now it was all over in a matter of seconds and Septimus was here and Selwyn lay unconscious on the ground. Cedrella licked some more blood off of her lips and blinked rapidly, not comprehending the wetness in her eyes. Feeling rushed back and her legs felt weak and her face hurt.
Septimus did not wait for her to answer his question. He pulled a handkerchief out of his pocket and wiped the blood away from her mouth. His hands were so gentle that it felt to Cedrella as though she were made of porcelain and he was afraid of breaking her.
âThat bastard,â he was murmuring. âI canât believe he would hit you like that. I shouldâ”â
âPlease donât. Please just leave him alone. I can deal with him. Just donât get involved, Sep. I donât need you to help me, Iâm fine, IâŚâ
Septimus was shaking his head at her babbling. âHas he ever done that to you before? Cedrella, I should report him, that was absolutelyâ”â
âNo, he hasnât.â She cut him off. âBut it wasnât entirely unexpected, given his history, and who his father is. The Selwyns are scum, all of them, and Iâm not talking about blood.â She licked a bit of it off the corner of her mouth. âOr maybe I am. I donât know.â Cedrella didnât even know what she was talking about. She gave a little half laugh that turned into a sob midway through, and Septimus wrapped his arms around her and held her carefully to his chest. He was shaking.
âI thought you said you didnât cry,â he said softly.
âI donât.â More tears leaked out of her eyes.
âOh, Drell. Drell, Drell.â
Cedrella stood there for a long time, letting him hold her, until her legs felt strong again and her breathing had returned to normal and her eyes stopped streaming. And as she drew away at last, her mind felt clearer than it had all day. She was afraid stillâ”of what was going to happen next, of Rodneyâ”but mostly she was grateful.
They looked at one another, and Cedrella slowly offered him the bloody handkerchief back. âHere,â she said quietly.
A hint of a smile crossed Septimusâ face. âYou can keep it. I think you need it more than me.â
The phrase struck Cedrella as familiar, and as she looked back at the cloth in her hand she realized it was the same handkerchief she had offered Septimus that night in the Owlery, two very long months ago. She smiled too, and it hurt. âRepaid in full, I suppose.â
âWell if youâre going to talk like that,â he said gently, âYou still owe me a kiss.â
She blinked. It was an awfully brash thing to say, just the sort of cockiness she might have once expected from a Gryffindor like Septimus. But for some unfathomable reason, Cedrella didnât care. âLater,â she said. âYouâve dealt with enough of my blood as it is.â
Septimus looked bemused. âI thoughtâ”â
âI have to go to class now, Sep,â Cedrella interrupted. Her head was oddly clear, an almost disconcerting contrast from earlier that day. She took a deep breath. âActually, I have to go tell Professor Slughorn why I am late, which is because I got into an argument and Rodney hit me, so I stunned him in self defense. And then Iâm going to bring Slughorn up here so wake up Rodney and give him detention, and then go to the Hospital Wing and get Madam Prince to fix my face. And I expect sheâll have them reschedule my detention, so then I have to go tell Charis what happened, and make up the Potions work that I am missing right now.â
Septimus took both of her hands in one of his and held them against his chest. âI wasnât there?â
âYou werenât.â
He sighed, stroking the backs of her hands with his thumb. âHow come youâre so brave? You donât have to do every thing on your own.â
Cedrella shook her head. âYouâre right. And I donât. But I have to look like I do.â
âThatâs not fair.â
âFair has nothing to do with it, Septimus. Itâs just the way it is.â She dabbed at her still bleeding lip with the handkerchief.
âListen to us,â he said, wincing. âPractically having a philosophical discussion. You should go get that healed. Are you sure youâre all right?â
âI will be.â
Septimus swallowed. âIâll see you later, then.â
âYes.â
âCedrella?â
âWhat?â
âWhy the change of heart? You are going toâ”to kiss me? Later? And tell me whyâŚI mean last night youâ”â
Cedrella knew she must be going mad, because all she could do was nod and say âYes.â
âStill determined to be enigmatic, I see.â
Cedrella looked at him, wondering if she had ever been more fond of a human being than she was of him in that moment. âIâll try to explain, Sep. I think itâs going to be difficult . But Iâll try.â
He smiled. âYouâre sure youâre all right, Drell?â he asked again.
âAs long as you donât call me âDrellâ, Iâll be fine.â
**
Whatever she had told Septimus, Cedrella was quite glad to lay curled up in the clean, quiet Hospital Wing for the rest of the day, wrapped in soft white sheets and allowing Madam Prince to bring her tea every hour and dab slave on her swollen lips. The nurse had immediately told Professor Slughorn to have the caretaker reschedule Cedrellaâs second detention for later in the week, fussing and hovering. Cedrella didnât mind at all. It was nice just to let Madam Prince baby her, to be taken care of, to let someone else have control.
As the sun set behind the hospital windows, Cedrella thought about her promise to Septimus. It was an impulsive thing she had done, she knew, but somehow she felt much calmer about it then she had earlier. That Septimus cared about her a great deal was obvious. And Cedrella knew that he was probably one of about three people in the world who did. Even Callidora was distant these days, and Cedrella was lonely. She knew it. It was partly by choice, but it was still true. Why shouldnât I have a friend? she thought. Iâm only here at Hogwarts for this year and next. That will be the last of my freedom. I may as well enjoy it.
âMiss Black?â
Cedrella rolled over and opened her eyes, looking up at the nurse. âYes, Madam Prince?â
âYour sister is here to see you.â
Cedrella sat up, smoothing down her hair, as Charis came in and sat down on the chair beside her bed. Neither of them spoke for a few minutes. Then Charis said, âRodney Selwyn was sent to the Headmasterâs office an hour ago. Professor Slughorn came into the Common Room to collect him. And I heard he got three weeks of detention.â
âServes him right,â Cedrella said.
âDoes it? Cedrella, what happened?â
âWhat have you heard?â
âA few things. Mostly that he attacked you.â
âHe did.â
âWhy?â
âI want to hear what people are saying happened, Charis.â
âTheyâre sayingâ”well, that you came into Professor Slughornâs Potions class bleeding and covered in bruises and told him that Rodney had attacked you and that you hexed him. Theyâre saying that you were screaming at each other in the corridor. Theyâre saying that Septimus Weasley went to Professor Slughorn and told him he saw the whole thing, and that he hoped Professor Slughorn wasnât going to listen to Rodneyâs side of the story.â
âWhich is?â Cedrella ignored the sinking feeling in her stomach at the news that Septimus had involved himself after all. She wasnât really surprised.
âThat you must have hurt yourself some other way and that you just hexed him and blamed him to get him back for marrying Rosalyn instead of you. According to Eleanor, anyway.â
âThatâs rubbish,â Cedrella said. âShe just made that up to try to save his image.â
âI know you never wanted to marry him,â Charis said. âBut I also know that you hate him.â
âAnd for good reason, it turns out.â
âWhat happened?â Charis said again.
âHe stopped me on the way to Potions,â Cedrella said. âAnd started harassing me, as usual. I had a headache and I wasnât in the mood. I lost my temper with him and, had it been a solely verbal disagreement, I would have destroyed him. Heâs not particularly bright, you know. I said something about⌠his father, and bloodlines, and I think I might have called him half-blood trashâ”indirectly!â she added, as Charis opened her mouth, looking scandalized. âHe said that, and I threw it back in his face, and I said nobody would take his word over mine.â
âOh Cedrella, you didnât.â
âI did. And it turns out I was right, doesnât it?â
âWhy would you lose your temper like that? Itâs just Rodney,â Charis said.
Cedrella grimaced. âI donât know. I was in a pretty bad mood to begin with, and he kept trying to touch me. I suppose I just snapped.â
âI didnât know you were capable of that.â
âWell, you learn something new every day.â
âSo then he just hit you?â
âYes, he grabbed me by the hair as if heâd been doing it all his life, and hit me in the mouth like a Muggle. Twice. And then I pulled away a bit and hit him in the throat, and he let me go and I pulled out my wand and Stunned him.â Cedrella said the last bit very quickly. She wanted to lie as little as possible to Charis.
But her sister was still looking at her with a skeptical expression. âReally.â
âYes. What is it? You canât believe that I hit him back? Heâs not Father, Charis. He doesnât have any authority over me. He was just being a bully.â
Her sister bit her lip. âI know.â
âThen whatâs the matter?â
âNothing, I suppose, Iâm just, wellâ”Iâm worried about you, Cedrella!â
âWorried? About me? Charis, Iâm going to be all right, it was just a little cut. And I know to steer far clear of Rodney Selwyn from now on.â She offered her sister a half-smile.
âItâs not that,â Charis said, looking at her lap. Cedrella looked at her expectantly, waiting, but dreading her sisterâs words. If Charis had noticed something⌠âYou get your first detention ever not three days ago, and on a day when youâre supposed to serve it you get in a fistfight with a boy,â Charis said at last. âIâm not saying any of it was really your fault, but itâs not like you, Cedrella. Itâs not like you at all.â She looked up at last, and her eyes were bright. âWeâre supposed to look after each other,â she said. âYouâve always taken that seriously. I have never had a reason to worry about you before, but I do now. So I am.â
Cedrella felt guilt bubbling up inside her chest, a terrible, burning shame at the fact that she was deceiving her sister and causing her to worry. And at the same time she felt pride: here it was, proof that Charis took her instruction to heart, proof that her sister was growing up. She opened her mouth to say something, though she didnât know whatâ”that she was sorry?â”but the hospital wing door burst open again and Cedrella saw Septimus standing in the doorway, looking at her.
âYes, Mr. Weasley? What can I do for you?â Madam Prince had come out from her office again.
âOh nothing, maâam, I was just coming to check onâ”on Miss Black.â
âWell sheâs quite all right, as you can see, Mr. Weasley. She just needs to rest. But one visitor at a time, Iâm afraid. You can come back later.â The nurse eyed him sternly.
âRight,â Septimus said. âIâŚI will. Thank you.â He gave Cedrella the tiniest of waves and disappeared through the door again.
Madam Prince turned back toward Cedrella and Charis, frowning slightly. âFifteen minutes, Miss Black,â she said, and went back into her office.
Charis turned sharp eyes on Cedrella once more. Cedrella met her gaze, though she felt like melting into the floor. She was touched that Septimus had come to check on her, but really⌠he knew she was all right, and he had already involved himself enough. He was too reckless for his own good, or hers.
âWhat is going on, Cedrella.â It wasnât a question.
âHe saw my fight with Selwyn. I think he ran for a teacher after I stunned him, but Slughorn and I got back faster. I canât imagine why he would visit meâ”but heâs a Gryffindor, you know, theyâre always trying to do grand and noble deeds. Maybe he feels guilty for not intervening or something silly like that.â Cedrellaâs lie stuck in her throat. The casual slight on Gryffindors that once would have slid off of her tongue without a thought felt like poison.
âItâs not his business,â Charis said, eyes narrowing. âI donât know why he should be so interested in this. I told you, heâs already gone to Dumbledore and Slughorn about it.â She paused. âWeasley is in detention this week too. Mattie heard Professor Dumbledore telling Mr. Pringle not to put Weasely and Rodney on the same task, or they might kill each other.â
âMattieâs been known to gossip, Charis,â Cedrella said.
âAnd youâve been known to be a very good liar,â Charis said. He chin was trembling, and Cedrella knew how hard it was for her sister to stick up to her like this. But she looked quite determined.
Cedrella closed her eyes for a moment. She was not sure she had ever felt so guilty in her life. Cedrella and Charis did not lie to each other. They did not. And now here she was, found out and humiliated by her younger sister. She was tempted, for a fleeting second, to tell Charis everything. But knowledge of what would happen then froze the words in her mouth. âNot to you,â she said instead. She felt small, being told off, and rightly so, by a fourteen year old. Everything was backwards.
âThatâs true, usually,â Charis said. They looked at one another.
âHe was in detention with me last night,â Cedrella conceded. âWe were shoveling snow on the front path. We had a very long conversation; heâs much more mature than he appears. He wants to be my friend, or...more.â She paused. Charis looked like her suspicions had been confirmed. If only you knew, Cedrella though sadly. âI know I shouldnât have done it,â she continued. âSpoken to him, I mean. I was leading him on. We canât be friends. But I was already in detention, we were alone, and nobody was there to see. I will just have to tell him tonight that it canât continue.â I will probably end up kissing him tonight.
âThatâs good.â
âYes,â Cedrella said, looking down at her lap. Tears were leaking out of her eyes for the second time that day. She could hardly bear itâ”her sister finally taking her advice to heart just in time to catch Cedrella lying to her, using the half-truth technique that worked so flawlessly on well-meaning Charis, getting hit by Rodney, getting kissed by Septimus⌠she felt weak and silly, but she couldnât help it. She swiped angrily at the tears.
Charis, who had seen Cedrella cry maybe four times in her life, softened. âNobody has to know,â she said. âYou should have told me, but it doesnât matter, I wonât say anything. Whatâs done is done. Itâs over. Itâs all right.â She put a hand on Cedrellaâs shoulder and patted it gently. âMerlin, enticing a Weasley! Itâs nice to know you arenât perfect, either.â
âThanks,â Cedrella sniffed, wiping away a few last stray tears.
Charis offered her a handkerchief. âIâm sorry, Cedrella. I didnât mean to make you cry.â
âIt wasnât you,â Cedrella said. âWell, partly. But Iâm sorry too, Charis, I really am. Iâm just a bit of a wreck today.â She felt immensely relieved that the interrogation was apparently over, so relieved that it overshadowed a bit of her guilt.
âYou sort of have an excuse,â Charis said. She leaned over and kissed Cedrellaâs head. âSo. What are we going to do about Father?â
Cedrella wiped her eyes one last time and set down the handkerchief. âWhat do we ever do? Weâre going to lie.â
**
Madam Prince brought her dinner after Charis left, and Cedrella ate the soup and rolls in bed and then lay there thinking until she drifted off to sleep. The multitude of emotions she had experienced that day had left her completely exhausted, but her last thoughts before she fell asleep were not ones of guilt, fear, or confusion. Iâll figure this out, she assured herself. It will be all right, somehow.
She woke up early the next morning and got the nurse to release her so that she could go back to her dormitory before breakfast and clean up. She washed her face and pinned back her hair as usual, and then went down to the Great Hall to eat. Cedrella was sure it was not her imagination that more people than usual were looking at her. She enjoyed being mostly invisible the majority of the time, and it was slightly unnerving to know that all the Slytherins and people from other Houses, as well, were staring at her looking for cuts, bruises, or other visible signs of her fight with Rodney Selwyn. Cedrella ignored them completely, knowing they would not find any fault in her complexion or her calm. She spoke to no one that morning and went to Transfiguration early as usual, where she sat taking copious notes in her tiny, perfect handwriting on Professor Dumbledoreâs lecture as usual. She felt vastly different from the day beforeâ”drained, yes, but also cleansed, as if all that crying had sucked any ability to feel emotion out of her, for a while at least. It was almost normal. Lurking in the back of her mind, however, she had a funny feeling that it wasnât going to last past her next encounter with a certain, red-headed someone.
Cedrella did not speak to any of her fellow Slytherins all day. She did not see Rodney Selwyn anywhere, either, and had a feeling that the rumors saying he was suspended might be true. She wasnât sure how she felt about the about the whole matterâ”she wasnât really afraid of Rodney, and she didnât want the incident to become any more public than it already was, for if it did Arcturus Black was bound to find out somehow. But she did like the idea of the look Robert Selwyn must have had on his face when he heard his perfect son was suspended from Hogwarts. It served both of them right. At six-thirty, she reported to Professor Slughornâs office to serve her second and final detention. It was vastly less eventful than the first, and as Cedrella skinned shrivelfigs, sorted aconite leaves into boxes according to size, and half-listened to Slughornâs cheerful prattle about his past and present students and their seemingly endless connections and achievements, she formed a plan.
Several things were quite clear to Cedrella. One was that she could not bear to hurt or lie to Charis. Another was that she must, at all costs, never let her father find out what had happened in the past week. And the third thing was that she could not stop seeing Septimusâ”not right now, not anymore. She cared too much and he cared too much, and she was not going to lose the only friendship she had ever known while she still had the power to maintain it. And however confusing it was, however wrong it was, she would meet those challenges when they came. I already donât want to get married, despise parties, and wish that I could spend my life surrounded by owls and books, she thought. What kind of a Black does that make me, anyway? Why shouldnât I be with Septimus, while I can? And so Cedrella decided, as she put away the potions ingredients and bid Professor Slughorn goodnight, that nothing was going to change. She just had to be more careful.
Cedrella almost convinced herself that the feeling this resolution gave herâ”a feeling of falling, falling, faster and faster, a feeling of happinessâ”was unimportant. But as she left the dungeon, she wasnât quite able to silence the little voice in the back of her head. Thereâs a reason they call it falling in love.
Soldiers by dominiqueweasley
Chapter Notes: Cedrella has a terrible day, but there are bright spots.The abuse warning is very relevant in this chapter and the next, so stand warned! Pureblood society can be a dark place.