A/N: Just to let you all know, there's a high possibility that I might be retiring this story, in light of recent events. *cough*HBP*cough*. So if it...well, if it's never updated again, don't ask me to continue it, because that means it's dead.
I was completely and utterly miserable for the rest of November. No one except for Lily and Remus noticed, but only Lily knew why.
"I heard Gwen talking about it when I walked by," she told softly me one day. "Seiri, I'm sorry…I didn't…"
I silenced her with a wave of my hand. "It doesn't matter. It's over with. I'm all right."
She stared at me hard. "No. You're not." And with that, she backed away, leaving me alone with my grief.
From then on, I delicately avoided Lily.
By the time December 19th rolled around, I was silently contemplating the demise of either Gwen or myself, whichever proved easier. It was hard enough to have to spend all my days with Remus knowing that he didn't feel the same way about me as I felt about him. No, added to that was the fact that he talked about Gwen quite a lot to me in a decidedly affectionate manner.
He didn't know how much he hurt me. And if I could keep it that way, he never would.
The common room was awfully silent that night, save for the dim crackling of the fire. Everyone was caught up in their own private musings.
It'll be Christmas soon, I thought dully, watching snow fall outside the window. Not that I have anything to look forward to.
As if he read my thoughts, Sirius yawned, stretched lazily, and said, "Christmas in less than six days, everyone. Ho, ho, ho!"
No one responded. Apparently, we were not in the mood for laughter this evening.
"Come now," Sirius pleaded. "I'm leaving tomorrow. You make me feel as if you won't miss me."
Vicky exhaled loudly, impatiently. "Sirius, most of us are leaving tomorrow too."
This pricked my attention. "Who else is leaving?"
"Me," James volunteered, not lifting his eyes from his Quidditch manual. "Sirius is staying at my place."
"I'm going home as well," Peter said, looking mournful.
"Aye," Vicky murmured. "And I."
Ella looked embarrassed. "So am I. Big family party planned."
I gazed at Lily pleadingly, but she wouldn't – couldn't – meet my eyes. "I need to go home too." She finally looked up, green eyes sad. "I'm sorry. Do you want to come to my house? It's no trouble, really."
I imagined myself in that situation and repressed a shudder. "No, thanks."
"Remus, you're staying?" Ella queried, surprised.
He frowned at her, confused. "I usually do."
"Oh." She blushed. "I just…er, never mind. I thought you went home last year, though."
He shrugged, unusually apathetic. "I did, but I came back. It's…easier for me at Hogwarts." He and the Marauders exchanged knowing looks, then went back to what they were doing.
Chalk another one up to the mystery, I thought grimly. It had still persisted: every month or so Remus took ill, and when questioned about it, he politely but firmly changed the subject.
He was smiling at me tentatively. "We'll have each other to keep company, then."
I smiled back briefly, awkwardly. Well, you'll have Gwen, of course…I thought nastily.
Remus must have noticed the change in my demeanor, for he blinked and turned away, but not before I saw the moment of hurt on his face.
Good, I thought savagely. Serves you right for hurting me.
In my heart, I knew I wasn't being fair. I couldn't punish Remus for being who he was and having feelings for someone other than me.
I was aware of Sirius watching me closely, and suddenly wanted to wither like a dry Shrivelfig. Unable to stand it, I jumped up. "Got to find…my…book," I mumbled, staring determinedly at the floor as I sped toward the dormitory stairs.
"Seiri! Hey – Seiri!"
Sirius gripped my arm in a firm grasp. "What's wrong?" he demanded bluntly, looking down into my face as if he'd never seen anything quite like me before. "You're acting really funny. Look — I mean, no matter what's been…you know…going on, Remus doesn't deserve that."
My dropped open, and I gazed up at him, horror-struck. There was a glint in his eyes, not the usual impish sparkle, but more of a soft, sympathetic glimmer.
There was only one thing that glimmer could mean. He knew.
"Oh Godric," I said loudly. Heads snapped around, but I paid that no heed. "Oh Godric," I repeated. "You – you – oh my – you – "
Sirius grabbed my shoulders and shook me slightly. "Seiri. Relax."
I waited until I thought I could speak coherently. "Don't say anything."
Apparently I tried too early.
Sirius stepped back, shocked. "What did I do?"
I pointed at him dramatically. "You know."
"Oh. Oh. Er…well…I don't, you know, know anything. I mean, if you said it was untrue, or something, I would not be able to say otherwise, since I know nothing. Obviously."
I shook my head, eyes wide and transfixed on Sirius's face. "I am going to get my book," I stated, and ran up the stairs. Inside the dorm, I took a running leap and landed on my bed with a sickening thud. My side ached, but I ignored that, buried my face in my pillow, and screeched. I would have put a banshee to shame.
Lily rushed up the stairs; she'd been coming up anyway, but her pace quickened when she heard me. Vicky and Ella were not far behind.
"What happened?" Lily gasped.
I rolled over onto my back. "Oh, Godric. Sirius knows. How does Sirius know? Why does this always happen to me?"
Which made no sense, since, as a virtual recluse, I'd never been in any situations like this before now. The knowledge did nothing to improve my spirits.
"Seiri," Lily said earnestly, "tell Remus. He'd never shun you for being honest."
I was nearly in tears. "I can't!" I wailed.
"Would you rather have him find out from Sirius?"
"No," I sniffled pathetically. "I'd rather him not find out at all."
Lily melted. "Oh, Seiri…" She took me in her arms, hugging me as I cried the tears that were once so constantly absent from my life, and now came without any effort at all.
I'm falling in love
There's one disadvantage
I think you should know that
I've been damaged…
~*~
But the next day, I had no protectors and comforters. Everyone save for Remus and me left for their individual homes, leaving us facing each other at the main doors in awkward silence.
"So…" I said, simply to say something, anything to break the maddening silence.
"'So,' indeed," he muttered brusquely, and spun on his heel, leaving me behind in shocked silence.
Remus had walked away from me! And I'd never heard that tone before: a mix of anger, regret, and disappointment. Because of me? Because of Gwen? Because of the others, for leaving us like this?
I ran to catch up, my own discomfiture forgotten, and grabbed his sleeve. "Remus…you're not…angry with me, are you?" I panted.
He sighed sadly. "No. Not angry. Never, Seiri. I just thought you were vexed with me, and I didn't know why, and…oh, I dunno. Just got riled, I suppose." He smiled a bit shakily. "We're all right now?"
I smiled back, ignoring the different emotions clamoring inside me. "We're all right," I said softly. "I just — oh, I've been a right pain to deal with these days, I know. Maybe it's Christmas. I've never liked Christmas." It was not exactly a lie. I never had ever liked Christmas. I only received two presents every year, always some sort of useless trinket from my mother, and a gift from Walden that, every year, steadily decreased in worth until last year, when it reached its nadir with a handkerchief.
I shook off the unpleasant memories and went back to the present, where Remus was smiling at me again, that soft, quiet, inscrutable smile that drove me half-mad. "Well, I have the feeling you're going to have quite a Christmas this year."
I poked his arm teasingly. "All right, you. What do you know that I don't?"
"Hmm, where shall I start?"
"The nerve of him," I proclaimed to no one at all, grinning like a fool.
He raised his eyebrows, a characteristic gesture. "Oh, nerve, is it?" he said mockingly. "So what was it when you said I'd grow up to be a grouchy old professor? Because if that wasn't nerve, I don't know what is."
"That? That was the truth, Remus…"
I giggled and ran down the hall, with Remus hot on my heels in mock-pursuit. I skidded around a corner and nearly fell into a suit of armor. The delay allowed him to catch up with me, and in his momentum, he tackled me around the waist, nearly knocking us both over.
For a moment, we froze in that position: teetering precariously, my arms thrown out for balance, his firm and fast around my waist in a warm embrace.
Then he quickly let go of me and backed away, breathing hard and laughing. "For a moment there, I thought I was with Sirius," he explained lightly, grinning down into my beet-red face. "He, James, and I used to do that all the time. Well, he and James still do, really…"
I stared at him, at his calm, unbreakable face. How could he just stand there and toss it off? For some reason, I wanted to disrupt his tranquility. I wanted to see his façade of complete coolness dissolve. And I wanted to be the one to dissolve it. I wondered longingly if that would ever happen…
"Oh, er, right," I managed to say. "No harm done at all."
"Are you sure?" he prodded, mouth quirking. "I was going pretty fast. You didn't crash into the suit of armor, did you?"
I decided to play his game and laughed it off. "Nothing's hurt except my pride, if you can bear the cliché."
He grinned wickedly. "It should be. You have a cobweb on your nose." He reached out and brushed it off meticulously.
Not fair, I thought furiously, swallowing a huge gulp of air in my nervousness.
"Oh, dear, dear, it appears I've interrupted a moment. Sorry to bother you. Continue."
I closed my eyes and breathed out through my nose once in an effort to remain calm, then offered the most polite greeting I could to our intruder under the circumstances. "Sod off, Lestrange."
The darkly handsome boy grinned at me, displaying the gap between his front teeth. "Now what sort of salutation is that for an old family friend?"
"Precisely, Lestrange. Family friend. Not my friend. Any friend of the family is not a friend of mine, so I'd appreciate it if you'd drag your sorry arse elsewhere, please."
Rodolphus sneered at Remus. "You'll have your hands full taming this one," he said, looking me up and down, his eyes lingering on my chest.
"Come off it," I warned angrily, crossing my arms over the aforementioned area.
Rodolphus likes to think he knows everything about women, when the truth is he knows very little. He believes women need to be ruled and broken, like beasts of burden. He also likes to think he has taste, which he disproved when I heard the tale of him kissing Jill Bulstrode, a hulk of a girl two years older than him. He was nearly as drunk when he did it as he was when he told me this.
"Why aren't you at the Macnair Mansion, anyway, Lestrange?" I queried bitingly.
His smile flickered for a moment, then came back in full glow. "I wasn't invited," he informed me airily. "Your brother's been a bit sore with me lately."
I raised my eyebrows, intrigued despite myself. I hated Rodolphus, but any sort of controversy relating to Walden interested me now. "Oh?"
"I'm going to the Malfoy Manor later this week. Bella and Narcissa are staying with Lucius," he said. It sounded as if he was changing the subject, but I knew better. He and Walden had been in fierce contention for Bella's attentions for their whole lives. I couldn't imagine why.
"That's quite lovely for you," I said sourly. "Now, did you hear me or not? I told you to get the hell away from us."
Suddenly, he was up close to me. "Don't say anything you might regret later, darling."
I was ready to slap his across the face and call it a day, but Remus took hold of my hand and started leading me away. "Come on," he murmured. "He's not worth it."
I let my blood cool down as we hurried to the library. Once outside the doors, Remus paused momentarily, staring at me seriously. "Try to keep your temper in check, right?" he said, his gentle tone softening the words. "We're not always going to be around to stop you from doing something that could get you in trouble, and I don't want to see anything happen to you."
"Oh." I felt thoroughly chided, but also pleased to know that Remus cared enough for me to stop me from making mistakes. "Well. Sorry."
He smiled. "Nothing for it." He beckoned. "Come on. Library time."
I grinned and followed him, suddenly feeling that, Gwen or no Gwen, this holiday was going to be a lot more fun than I thought.
My premonition proved to absolutely and totally correct. Our time together was sweet and memorable, if sometimes interrupted by meetings with Gwen. Remus often talked to me about her as well.
"You listen so well," he told me happily. "Imagine me telling this to James. Or worse, Sirius. I'd be laughed out of the common room. You just stay quiet and smile at me, which I appreciate beyond words."
I savored this bit of praise, not bothering to add that the only reason I stayed quiet was that I was afraid that I'd scream my longing for him if I even dared open my mouth. So shut it stayed.
Our roamings took us all around the castle and the grounds, including the borders of the Forbidden Forest and visiting the fearsome Whomping Willow. Remus didn't like it very much, claiming that it was evil incarnate.
"Trees shouldn't chop you if you chop them," he joked lightly, though I could tell there was something more. I let it go.
We also took several opportunities to visit the gamekeeper Hagrid. He and Remus were obviously quite close, and I found myself liking the gentle giant. He always had some new creature to show us or interesting story to tell in his rough, uncultured dialect.
Two days before Christmas, we received a great surprise when we visited him in the morning. He was already outside his hut, shading his eyes and watching us walk up to him. A beam creased his face.
"Incredible surprise for yeh today!" he crowed when we reached him. I suppressed a smile; he reminded me of a little boy on Christmas morning.
"Another one?" Remus said nervously. Hagrid seemed to think that a fledgling Kelpie was an 'incredible surprise' as well.
"Better'n the Kelpie," Hagrid said dismissively. "C'mon, 's out back." He started leading us to a secluded pasture.
"Found it this mornin' in the forest," he explained as we walked. "Thought it looked a bit ill, and it had a nasty bite on its hind leg — some snake must've gotten to it."
We rounded a bend, and I gasped. A gorgeous winged horse was tethered in the paddock, its proud head bent, sniffing the ground for foliage.
"Oh, Hagrid," I melted, sidling over and patting its neck. "It's beautiful."
Hagrid grinned proudly. "Thought yeh'd like it, nature lovers that yeh are."
Remus walked closer as well, studying the horse. "Granian, isn't it?"
"That's my boy!" Hagrid said proudly. "Knew yeh'd've done yer readin'."
Remus smiled. "All right, Hagrid, I'll admit it. I do have a certain liking for Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them."
"Of course you do," I muttered. He winked.
"Either of yeh like ter ride 'im?" Hagrid asked eagerly. "Fast, Granians are, but not dang'rous, especially jus' on the mend like this one."
My face lit up. "Oh, Hagrid!" I was nearly overcome with joy. "Are you serious?"
"'Course I am, would I joke 'bout summat like this?" He picked me up by the waist as if I weighed no more than a baby and placed me on the Granian. "Remus, yeh fancy a turn?"
Remus blushed beet red. "Oh, er, I don't think so."
"Oh, come now, Remus," I teased. "It will be fun…"
His mouth quirked wryly. "I highly doubt that, considering the last airborne excursion I was on included Sirius and a flying motorcycle."
I winced. "Oh dear. You're ruined for life."
Remus grinned remorselessly. "Oh. What a shame. Well, have fun sailing away on a wild animal into oblivion. I'll see you then."
"Oh, no." I leaned over and grabbed his hand. "You're coming too. Get used to it."
"Ah, come now, Remus, it'll only be fer a bit, 'n' I can always call 'im back," Hagrid reassured him.
Remus sighed. "Fine. Apparently I'm destined to die an early death. Nice to know you're all in on it." Nevertheless, he submitted to being plucked from the ground and placed in front of me.
"Remus, I know yeh're a strong lad, keep hold o' the mane. That's it," Hagrid encouraged as Remus nervously wound his slender ivory hands into the thick gray mane. "An' Seiri, you grab 'round 'is waist, like." He positioned my reluctant hands around Remus's thin waist — I still shied away from close contact with people, particularly Remus.
"There. Fine picture yeh make. Off yeh go, then!" And with that, Hagrid slapped the Granian smartly on the rump.
I shrieked a bit as I felt the horse's muscles bunch underneath me and we rose rapidly from the ground, Hagrid quickly dwindling to a decent-sized speck. I tightened my hold around Remus and buried my face into his back.
"See? This was your idea!" he yelled back accusingly.
I squeaked, but giggled. "No, it wasn't!" I shouted giddily. "It was Hagrid's idea!"
"And you think that makes it any more sane?!"
I didn't respond, only concentrated on staying astride. The wingbeats of the Granian were loud and steady, beating a pulse in my ear that soothed me. Coupled with Remus's warm and solid back in front of me, I was almost starting to feel sleepy…
"Seiri! You can't be falling asleep!"
I looked up and nearly fell off — he was peering over his shoulder at me, his face devastatingly close to mine. "Why not?" I said, yawning for effect. "It's lovely up here."
"Oh, lovely my foot," I dimly heard him grumble. "When's Hagrid going to call this beast down?"
"Wonderful idea, that, calling it a beast when you're on its back," I retorted.
"Smarter than falling asleep on it, I have to say." I could hear the gentle smile in his voice.
Smiling wickedly, I burrowed my nose in his back, ignoring his yelp. "Well, as we all know, Remus, you do make a lovely headrest." I pillowed my cheek against him and sighed, relaxing.
Then treacherous thoughts crept into my mind. You fool, what are you doing? If he didn't realize before, he knows it now. And remember, he's not for you…so don't let him in…
I lifted my head. "Maybe we should head down now."
His voice was worried when he responded. "Seiri? Is something the matter?"
"Oh, no, not really, my stomach is just a little upset," I lied quickly. "I, er, looked down."
"Didn't you ever read your basic Danger Manuals? 'Rule Number 1: Never look down,'" he teased. But obligingly, he somehow managed to communicate to the horse that we wanted to land, and it did so.
"Done already?" Hagrid said, somewhat disappointed.
I slid off lightly. "Ate too much at breakfast to be flying," I told him, feeding him the same lie I'd given to Remus.
"A'right, then." Hagrid accepted the answer readily enough, though he still seemed sad that we had spent such a short time with the beautiful creature. "I'll jus' take 'im, then, righ'?"
I tried to smile at him. "I'm sorry, Hagrid."
"We'll visit on Christmas, definitely, if we can't visit tomorrow," Remus supplied.
Hagrid saw us off, and we started back to the castle. "You really did feel ill?" Remus asked skeptically.
I nodded, hating myself for lying. "I really did."
"Sorry to hear that." He shaded his eyes and peered across the lake. "Oh look, there's Gwen. C'mon, let's go chat." Without waiting for the answer that was already dying on my lips, he trotted off.
I stared after him. Now I really felt sick.
It turned out that we couldn't visit Hagrid the next day, because it rained depressingly.
"Oh, happy Christmas," I said drearily, staring out the window of the library, watching rain patter into the lake.
"Cheer up," Remus advised, scratching away at something, his quill bobbing frantically. "It'll turn into snow by tonight."
I sighed. "One can only hope."
"Well, even if it does rain, it's Christmas." He paused in his writing to smile at me hopefully. "I really think you'll like — "
"Hello, Remus!"
I winced, keeping my eyes trained on the lake. Don't snap at her. Don't frown at her. Don't punch the effervescent, annoying little —
"Oh, hello, Gwen," he greeted her, immediately turning his attention to the blonde. "I didn't expect to see you."
"Well, I happened to be passing by, and I know what a wonderful student you are, so I figured you might be in here," Gwen explained slyly, grinning in a decidedly flirty manner. She helped herself to a seat and moved close to Remus, who looked slightly nervous but didn't pull away.
"Is this the Transfigurations essay?" she continued, reaching across him to pick it up and therefore leaning even closer to him. "Wow, I thought it was really hard. I haven't finished it yet." She gazed up at him from under her lashes. "Would you help me with it? I know you're quite good at Transfigurations."
I couldn't stand it anymore. Leaping up, I declared, "I'm going for a walk."
Remus stared at me, confused. "Er…do you want us to come with you?"
No, Remus. No 'us.' Just you.
"It's all right. I might go see Professor Berkeley about the homework he gave us." I forced a laugh. "And you won't want to be there for that."
Gwen let out a tinkling laugh. "No, we certainly wouldn't!" she decided for the both of them. "We'll see you later?"
Throat too tight to speak, I nodded and fled.
I had no precise idea of where I was going. It was really my intention to become as lost as I could, lost in the mire of Hogwarts and never return to the things that hurt me, the things I wanted so much but were being yanked away from me as I stood by helplessly…
"Running from your pet?"
I slowed to a halt and stood with my back to the person who had spoken. I knew the voice, the slow, slimy voice that belonged to a boy as oily as his words. "This isn't the time, Snape," I told him, clenching my fists.
"Oh, I think it is," he said idly. "We're completely alone in this corridor, and you are in fact heading quite close to the Slytherin common room, so this is my territory, and you are encroaching on it. Dear, dear. What ever am I to do about this?"
I made myself turn. If this led me to the Slytherin common room, I surely wished to go no further.
Snape was leaning against the dank wall, inspecting his hands again, sheets of greasy black hair hanging into his eyes. He smiled at me nastily. "Where's dear little Remus?"
"You leave Remus out of this," I shot back angrily, backing against the wall. Something about him made me uneasy, and somehow, I didn't want to leave my back unprotected. "He's in the library."
He glided over to me and stood close, bracing his hands on either side of my head. "Isn't that lucky," he breathed.
I tried to push him back, fighting the bubbles of panic that rose up in my throat. "Get away from me, you slimy git," I growled.
He took his hands down but remained close, a smug smirk on his face. "You won't sing that tune in a moment," he assured me, tracing the line of my jaw, then letting his hand drop. "You know what they say about Slytherins — "
"What, Severus, do they say about Slytherins?"
We both whirled at the sound of the mild, gravelly voice. Professor Dumbledore stood, his eyebrows slightly raised, his blue eyes somewhat stern behind his half-moon glasses.
Snape backed away immediately. "That even if we're shrewd and ambitious, we're gallant and courteous and would never bring any harm to a lady," he mumbled sullenly.
"Ah. Indeed, Severus, I am glad to hear it. But, if you'll excuse me, I need a word with Miss Macnair."
Snape nodded sulkily. "Certainly, Headmaster." He stepped back to let me pass, but as I did so, he hissed, "Good thing you're not a lady, then."
I glared at him. "It's always good to talk to you, Headmaster," I told Dumbledore, keeping my eyes locked on Snape. The boy sneered at me and billowed off down the corridor.
"Thank you, Headmaster," I mumbled, making to move past him. I didn't want to appear too friendly with him.
He touched my arm lightly. "Now, now, Miss Macnair, I was not facetious when I said I wanted a word," he explained, his tone almost reproving.
I blushed scarlet. "Oh. Er, sorry, Headmaster."
He smiled. "No need to apologize. I'm sure you thought I was simply making an excuse to save you from Severus?"
"Well, yes," I said as we started walking. "I didn't — I mean — I don't know that I've done anything wrong — "
"Fear not, you've done nothing wrong. In fact, you've done a great deal of right. But I did speak, in part, to take you away from Severus, as in fact what I need to talk to you about concerns him." Dumbledore sighed, the lines of his face darkening at the corners of his mouth and eyes. "A decent boy, if misguided."
Misguided my foot, I thought darkly as we approached a statue.
"Peppermint Toads," Dumbledore said clearly, and the statue came alive, revolving upwards and revealing a staircase, which Dumbledore promptly ascended. I quickly followed after him, nearly getting crushed in the process.
I stepped off into a magnificent room, full of odd curios and sleeping portraits of ex-Headmasters lining the walls. One in particular caught my eye.
"A Slytherin Headmaster?" I couldn't help asking, referring to the painting of Phineas Nigellus.
"From what I've heard, a rude but fair fellow," Dumbledore said blandly.
The picture snorted, not bothering to open his eyes. "Touché, Albus."
"Indeed, Phineas." Dumbledore seated himself at his desk while I stood awkwardly before him. Noticing this, Dumbledore gestured at a squashy armchair. "Please, be seated."
I squirmed. "It's all right, Headmaster — "
"Hardly anyone refers to me as Headmaster." Those keen blue eyes nearly bored into me. "Call me Professor."
"All right, Head – Professor," I amended uncomfortably, perching on the edge of the chair. "Er…you wanted to talk to me?"
Dumbledore steepled his fingers and regarded me over them. "I wanted to talk to you about Slytherin, and your family situation."
I winced.
"It's nothing to be ashamed of," Dumbledore assured me gently.
"I never said I was ashamed," I protested somewhat sullenly.
"Suffice to say that it is not a great secret amongst the teachers. We cannot stop this hazing unless we see it, but cunning as your acquaintances in Slytherin are, they make sure to remain hidden. What Severus was doing does not constitute as hazing: you obviously did not want to talk to him, true, but he was not saying anything out of line nor did he actually lay a hand on you." He gazed at me seriously. "You understand, Miss Macnair?"
I swallowed and nodded. It was up to me to draw attention to it if I wanted it to stop. If I needed it to stop. The teachers were powerless against invisible tormentors. My word alone could not condemn anyone.
Dumbledore smiled slightly. "On a somewhat lighter note, I see you have attached yourself to the boys popularly known as the Marauders and their usual female companions."
I blushed slightly, thinking of Remus. "Yes, sir."
He nodded, and the mood of the room lightened. "A fine group, if rambunctious. It is best to stay around them; not many wish to endure their wrath, which, you know, takes the form of frog spawn in one's tea." He winked at me, and I couldn't help but smile.
"I realize that all save for young Mr. Lupin are away for the holidays, but I daresay you won't find it difficult to remain close to him," Dumbledore continued mildly.
I looked up at him sharply. "What do you mean? Professor," I added hastily.
"I have seen you two wandering this castle on several occasions during the past few days," he explained, staring at the ceiling innocently. "And I noted during the school year that you seem quite close."
I blushed again, but somehow felt like spilling everything to this kindly, wise old man who I barely knew. "We are," I said softly. "Or at least I thought we were."
"Mr. Lupin is not one to give up his friends lightly," Dumbledore offered cryptically.
The question that had been nagging me throughout the entire school year suddenly burst from me. "Professor, is there something wrong with Remus?"
"Apart from the ordinary teenage trials and tribulations?"
"Yes." At an encouraging look from him, I plunged on. "I've known him since the first day of school. And every month – September, October, November, and this month – he's taken ill for a bit. I'm worried about him. He always looks so pale and tired, and…" I bit my lip, still unwilling to say more.
Dumbledore sighed, suddenly looking old and tired again. "I am afraid that it is Mr. Lupin's responsibility to decide whether to tell you or not. I am under no liberties to speak. Have you asked him about it?"
"Not…directly," I said evasively.
Dumbledore leaned forward. "Would you be his friend, unconditionally?" he asked suddenly.
I didn't even need to think. "Yes."
"Tell him that, and then, perhaps, you will start on your way to learning an answer." He sat back and smiled at me, blue eyes twinkling. "I'm afraid I have some business to attend to, much as I wish to avoid it, and I believe you may also have schoolwork that needs attending?"
It was a dismissal, albeit a polite one. I stood. "Thank you, Professor," I said as I walked away.
"It was sincerely my pleasure," I heard him reply, and I was sure he meant it.
"Where've you been?" Remus queried when I entered the common room later that night.
I shrugged. "Walking. Talking."
"You missed dinner," he scolded me gently. "You need to eat more."
I grinned, oddly refreshed after my talk with Dumbledore. "Well, I'm sure we'll eat well tomorrow, so no worries."
He eyed me curiously. "You seem strangely cheerful."
"I feel…I dunno. You're right, cheerful, I suppose." I smiled. "But also rather tired. Shall we call it a night?"
Remus checked his watch; his brows shot up. "Early, isn't it?"
"It's Christmas tomorrow, Remus, and I don't want to be waking up early on half a night's sleep."
He smiled crookedly. "True. All right, then. Good night." In a sudden, startling movement, he crossed the room and gripped me in a tight embrace. "Happy Christmas Eve, Seiri," he whispered.
I blinked at him. "Right. You too, Remus," I replied softly, stumbling to the girls' dormitory.
Happy Christmas indeed, I thought as I climbed into bed. But the one gift I want is the only one I can't have.
Say you'll share with me one love, one lifetime
Lead me, save me, from my solitude…
Say you want me with you here beside you
Anywhere you go let me go too…