Towards the middle of August, I visited Diagon Alley for the first time in my entire life. Strange, how a girl from a prestigious wizarding family had never been to Diagon Alley, the center of all wizard-kind. Yet my father had never seen fit to ever bring me there, and my mother certainly never would have, even if she did have the time for me.
The sights and sounds of the wizarding world filled my senses as I stepped through the brick portal into the long, winding street. I gazed, half-frightened, at the shops around me while Walden towed me along by my sleeve.
"Where are we going?" I asked breathlessly as he pulled me along.
"Got an errand first," he muttered, scowling.
We took a left turn at the end of the street along a small byway that bore the name 'Knockturn Alley.' It was dark and gloomy, and I felt the sensation of being watched by a million eyes. I shuddered and pulled my coat closer around me.
"What exactly is this errand?" I prodded Walden, wending my way through the leering crowd and trying to keep up with him.
"Meeting some friends in a shop," he snapped. "Shut up and just follow me."
I decided it would be wisest to indeed keep my mouth shut.
We entered a shop that bore the legend "Borgin and Burkes" over it. The atmosphere inside it was chill, gloomy, and above all, dark.
Walden hurried over to a group of boys our age who were gazing wistfully at some object near the back of the shop. I was afraid to ask what it was. He introduced me to them: Lucius Malfoy, the handsome blond; Rodolphus Lestrange, the dashing boy who, much to my displeasure, I already knew; Regulus Black, Sirius's brother, who I instantly disliked; and Severus Snape, the greasy-haired boy, who watched me constantly through hooded black eyes. He especially gave me the creeps.
I didn't speak to any of them after that, only hovered near the door of the shop, trying to avoid the stares of both Severus and Mr. Borgin. Once, the boys glanced at me and erupted in laughter. I stared at the floor and bit my nails nervously. Eventually, my brother left, taking me with him.
I barely remembered what happened the rest of the day, although I do distinctly recall buying my new wand (11 inches, rosewood, phoenix feather core). The rest was unimportant to me.
I came home with not only new shopping purchases, but a new understanding of who, exactly, I could meet at Hogwarts.
To hell with you and all your friends
To hell with you and all your friends, it's on…
~*~
The morning of September 1st dawned sunny and clear, just like a fairytale. This should have been an auspicious omen for me. Unfortunately, I'd known for too long that just because a day happened to have bright weather didn't mean it was going to bring any glad tidings. It had never happened to me, anyway.
Nevertheless, I was excited enough to jump out of bed, dress carefully in clothing that my family had deemed appropriate, ready my trunk, and clamber down the stairs to eat my breakfast.
We were to arrive at King's Cross station by hired Ministry cars — not technically hired, for the Minister of Magic sent them to us as sympathy gift for the death of my father. I was rather repulsed by that thought, but thrilled over the cars. I'd never been in one before.
The cars arrived at the station at 10:45. I hopped out of the car and watched Walden fit our trunks into the trolleys so we could cart them along, feeling more like seven than seventeen. I nearly felt like smiling, and wondered if I'd see Sirius on the train.
My mother made no move to leave the car, only looked out at us apprehensively. "Well…Walden, you know what to do. Watch after your sister. Don't get in trouble. And Seirian, have fun." And with that, she was gone.
"Come on," Walden growled, grabbing his trolley and lugging it after him.
I followed him, keeping side of his dark brunet head as it bobbed through the crowd. Not once did he look back to see if I was still following.
I glanced at my ticket once we stopped. I'd heard of this Platform 9 and 3/4 before, back when my brother and I still got along decently, and was anxious to try my turn at it. This isn't a game, I chided myself.
Walden waved a hand dismissively, searching the crowd for any of his friends. "You know what to do, Seirian. Don't make a fuss."
Casually, I walked up to the barrier between Platforms 9 and 10, and leaned against my cart nonchalantly, my composure not betraying my rapidly beating heart.
I fell through the barrier.
Distantly, I contemplated screaming, but then sternly told myself that this was supposed to happen. And lo and behold, I emerged, a bit shaken but unharmed, in a completely different station. The large scarlet train said on it, "The Hogwarts Express," and a sign above my head proclaimed, "Platform 9 and 3/4." I did smile at that point.
Walden came up behind me. "Get on the train, and find an empty compartment by yourself. Don't even think of sitting with me and my friends, but don't talk to anyone. They might be Mudbloods."
Interpreted: "Don't meet any potential friends, because those destined for Slytherin don't have friends."
I put his admonition out of my mind once I was on the train. I did follow some of his directions, simply by default: as an extremely shy, sheltered introvert, I did not have the courage to join anyone in their compartments. Gryffindor my foot, I thought wryly as I walked through the train, avoiding people's curious stares and trying to make myself as small as possible. I was nearly crying with relief when I found an empty compartment near the back of the train, and instantly barricaded myself inside it, thanking my lucky stars that it was nowhere near my brother. I wouldn't have wanted to sit with his friends even if he hadn't warned me away.
To spare me the trouble of having to do so later, I quickly changed into my Hogwarts robes in a train bathroom, having locked the compartment door behind me with a special lock spell that I had found in a book in our library. It allowed you to lock any door, and only the spell-caster could reopen it, no matter how many other people knew the counter-spell. I had always found it handy.
I returned to my compartment and opened it. Pausing for a moment in the doorway, I looked up and down the hall fruitlessly, trying to see if, perhaps, Sirius was there. No luck.
I shut and locked the door – the normal way this time – and settled down on a seat with my Charms book, curling my legs up under me carefully. I leaned against the window and was quickly absorbed in my reading. I only paused to glance up and out the window when the train let out an ear-splitting whistle, lurched a bit, and began to chug to life, rolling forward and gradually picking up speed.
I gazed out and watched the station fade out of sight for awhile, then turned my attention back to my book, basking in the solitude.
Of course, this couldn't last for long, and I soon had to face what I dreaded most: my peers.
Five minutes after we left the station, I heard footsteps in the corridor that stopped outside my compartment door. Breathless, I waited, hands tense on my book.
The door rattled. "Bloody hell," a girl's voice cursed wearily. "Someone's in here, too. We'll never find a compartment at this rate."
"Vicky, I'm sure they won't mind if we just knock and ask if there's any space."
Think again.
Someone knocked on the door softly. "Excuse me, sorry, but is there room in here for anyone else? Er…preferably three people?"
I had no choice but to answer, in a reasonably loud voice, "Y-yes, you can come in." I hurriedly unlocked the door and retreated back to my seat.
The door slid open.
Three girls stood in the doorway, and instantly I regretted it, because they were all beautiful enough to make me feel like a mouse. They walked in and shut the door behind them. There was a moment of awkward silence.
"My name is Lily Evans," one girl said brightly, seemingly at ease. She was easily the prettiest of the three: a wavy mane of shining red-gold hair fell to her waist, and she had almond-shaped, pure green eyes.
"Vicky Norton," another girl volunteered. Despite her plain English name, she was Indian — coffee-brown skin, wide, dark brown eyes in a fine-boned face, and curly dark hair shot through with blonde.
"Ella O'Shea," put in the last girl. She had English skin – pale face with rosy cheeks, whereas I was only pale – with a light dappling of freckles on the nose, chin-length black hair, and warm brown eyes.
I smiled tremblingly. "Um…hi."
Lily gazed at me curiously. "Are you a first-year? You look older, but I've never seen you here before."
The less said, the better. "No, I'm seventeen, but…er…my parents didn't want me going to Hogwarts," I said truthfully. It was the truth, just not the whole truth.
Ella furrowed her brow. "What's your name?"
"Seirian," I replied. "Or Seiri, if you will."
"Seirian…what's your last name?" Ella persisted. "I'm sorry, you just look so familiar. Do you have a sibling here?"
I sighed. There was no getting out of it. "Seirian Macnair," I mumbled. "Walden Macnair is my twin."
"Oh," Ella answered. There was a detectable temperature drop in her voice, and, for the matter, the whole atmosphere of the compartment.
"We know your brother," Lily informed me grimly.
"I'm very sorry," I responded truthfully.
Vicky did a bit of a double-take. "'Sorry'?"
"Yes. I…don't like him very much either. Please don't judge me on who my family is," I added desperately.
"We won't," Lily assured me, warming back up again. "We just thought…you know…that you were like them, obsessed with hunting down Mudbloods and killing them," she clarified bitterly.
"I'm…well, not," I said. "I really don't care what anyone's blood is. It's your own business, really, and it doesn't make a difference in your magical ability." I was shocked at my own talkativeness, and rather proud of myself for speaking so frankly. I liked these girls, too.
"So what house do you think you'll be in?" Vicky asked me interestedly. "I hope you're in Gryffindor like us, that would be wicked."
"Well, Sirius Black told me I should be in Gryffindor," I said hesitantly.
Vicky grinned and rolled her eyes. "You know Sirius?"
"Yes, we met at —"
I had said too much. Quickly, I closed my mouth on what I was about to say, but Ella saw. "Where?" she asked, obviously somewhat concerned at my action. "Where did you meet?"
"My father's funeral."
Simultaneously, their eyes widened, and their mouths dropped open in horrified sympathy. Lily put a hand to her mouth. "Oh, Seiri, I'm so sorry," she whispered.
"I'm sorry, if I had known…I wouldn't have asked," Ella apologized. "I'm sorry."
I shrugged awkwardly. "He's not worth it. You must know how I was brought up, if you've met Walden," I reminded them.
Again, I realized I'd said too much when Lily inquired, "Where did you get that scar, the one on your forehead?"
I forced a laugh, my mind scrambling. "Oh, that? Walden threw a rock at me when we were four. He was charming even back then."
To my relief and delight, the three girls laughed appreciatively. I was glad that the collar of my uniform hid the scars on my neck. I didn't think I could fake those quite so easily, even if they did have a Concealment Charm over them.
We gradually slipped from uneasy small talk to tentative friendship. There was another silence soon, much more comfortable this time. I sat there, delighted at my new friends, myself for making new friends, and life in general.
Vicky turned to Lily. "So, Lils, aren't you thrilled over who's the Head Boy?" she teased.
Lily rolled her eyes and groaned despairingly. "Godric, Vicky, don't remind me! I'm glad that we were both there early, and McGonagall kept the meeting short. I would have died otherwise."
Seeing my confused expression, Ella clarified, "James Potter. He's been asking Lily out for…oh, let's see now…five years, at this point. And she's turned him down every year, but he's awfully persistent. I don't see why you can't say yes, Lils. He's adorable. A bit conceited, yes, but one of the handsomest boys in our year, besides Sirius."
"He's not that cute," Lily contradicted sternly. "He's a bloody nuisance. Although…" A somewhat dreamy expression stole over her face. "He wasn't that bad this time. Rather chivalrous, even. Must be taking lessons from Remus."
Vicky laughed delightedly, pointing at Lily. "You like him! You do! Oh, come now Lily, admit it: you just turn him down now out of habit."
"I do not!" Lily protested, turning scarlet — a sure sign of guilt.
"Fine." An impish glint crept into Vicky's eyes. I could tell from our short acquaintance that she was the mischievous joker of the group. "Then I dare you to say yes to him the next time he asks. Because he will, you know."
"I know," Lily snapped. "Vicky, that's ludicrous. El, tell her that's a terrible idea."
"I dunno, Lils," Ella said, a slow smile spreading across her face. "Seems like an idea to me." As one, they all turned to me.
I shook my head, nearly smiling. "I don't know this James well enough to get involved. Sirius mentioned him, only to say that James would probably punch him in the head for being insensitive."
"Sounds like James," Lily sniffed, at the same time as Vicky said, "Sounds like Sirius."
"Of course Sirius mentioned James," Ella laughed, ignoring them. "They go everywhere together — best of friends, they are."
I leaned forward attentively, cupping my chin in my hand and resting my elbow on my knee. "What are the rest of the Marauders like?"
"There are only four," Lily told me. "Sirius Black, James Potter, Remus Lupin, and Peter Pettigrew. You've already met Sirius, so you know what that demon's like, and what we told you about James is all you need to know. Remus is the best of the three, he's a complete sweetheart."
"Gallant, kind, sweet, wonderful listener, and an excellent kisser," Ella grinned.
"You would know," Vicky said disgustedly. "They went together for about two months last year, then realized that it was like kissing a brother, on her part, and a sister, on his part. Rather nasty, if you think of it that way," she explained.
It was. "What about the last one?"
"Oh," Lily reflected after a moment. "Well. There's not really much to say about Peter. He's rather bland. Like pudding. Round, soft, and bland. Pudding."
"Pudding? Did somebody say…pudding?"
The compartment door slid open — my three friends hadn't locked it behind them — and a boy our age stuck his head into the compartment. From the expression of remote dislike on Lily's face, I concluded that this must be James. He was handsome: tall and skinny, with twinkling, bespectacled hazel eyes set in a tan, long-nosed face, topped with ruffled black hair. He grinned happily at all of us, then saw me. "I haven't ever seen you before, dearie," he said curiously. "What's your name?"
Startled, I replied, "Seirian."
An even wider smile stretched across his face. Withdrawing his head, he shouted down the hall, "Oy, Sirius! I found your friend!"
There was the unmistakable sound of pounding footsteps, and then Sirius appeared at the door. When he saw me, he yelped happily and hurled himself into the compartment, throwing his arms around me.
I sat rigid with shock, not quite sure what to do.
A tinkling laugh from the doorway drew my attention. I glanced up and nearly gasped. The girl who was looking into the compartment was one of the most blatantly beautiful people I'd ever seen in my life. Tall and slender, she had thick, wavy blonde hair that curled neatly at the ends, and large, deep blue eyes that sparkled in a pale face.
"Attacked by Sirius, poor dear," she continued. "What a welcome. I'm awfully sorry you had to undergo that."
Much to my relief, Sirius let go of me, turned, and pounced on the girl, grabbing her around the waist and whirling her around. She threw her arms around his neck with a laugh, and he kissed her sweetly. "You know you love it," he teased when they parted.
Vicky rolled her eyes, grinning at me. "Spare me," she mouthed.
"Seiri, this is Yvonne Prince, Crown Beauty of Hogwarts," he introduced us. "Darling, this is Seiri, friend of mine I met at a family event." He nodded at me. I smiled gratefully at him and said to his girlfriend, "Wonderful to meet you."
"And you," she returned warmly, reaching over from the doorway and shaking my hand. "Sirius told me about you, and I couldn't wait to meet you."
Sirius jerked a thumb at James, who was animatedly hopping from one foot to another. "You've already met the menace."
'The Menace' bowed ridiculously. "I otherwise go by James."
"This is Peter." Sirius shoved a short, rather fat boy towards me. He turned red and shook my hand. I nodded encouragingly, starting to get jumpy from all the attention.
"And this is…bloody hell…where'd Remus go?"
James looked down the hall, and grinned. "He stopped in the middle of the hall with his book. Typical."
"REMUS!" Sirius bellowed, no doubt scaring the absent boy out of his wits. "GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF THE BLOODY BOOK! AREN'T YOU SUPPOSED TO BE THE GENTLEMAN AROUND HERE?!"
Again, there was the sound of hurrying footsteps. They stopped just outside the compartment, and another boy poked his head in.
My throat worked convulsively.
He was beautiful.
Not, perhaps, in the same way Sirius and James were beautiful. Tired, faded blue-green eyes in a very thin, hollow face peered at me through light, ashy-brown bangs that flopped into those eyes. He was shorter than James and Sirius but taller than Peter, and was skinnier even than James, almost unhealthily so. Long-fingered hands gripped his book.
No, he was not the regular ideal of masculine beauty. Yet I was more attracted to his quiet gentleness than I was to Sirius's charming grace, or James's adorable, carefree exuberance.
"This," Sirius said pointedly, "finally, is our own Remus Lupin. You two will get along famously, I know it. Although you're not a git who tries to duck out of introductions, and stops in the bloody middle of the hall to read a textbook."
"Well, I'm terribly glad I didn't duck out of these introductions," Remus shot back, and shook my suddenly weak hand.
Stupidly, I said, "I'm…Seiri."
"Wonderful to meet you, Seiri," he told me, completely sincere. He let go of my hand. I felt a faint shock of disappointment, then stopped, horrified. I didn't even know him.
Also, a tiny, nagging little voice whispered at the back of my mind, you can't trust anyone, remember? You've seen too much, heard too much, lived too much. You know better than to let anyone in. They'll just hurt you.
I'm not comfortable around guys. Frankly, I'm not comfortable around people in general, but most especially guys. This former fact, though, and my newness, could work to my advantage, for instead of seeming grossly awkward and shy to only Remus, it would be attested to my status as 'the new kid.'
These thoughts managed to brace me up enough to say, "And you, Remus." Outside, I was perfectly calm and collected, even if my hands did tremble a bit. Inside, I was leaping and squealing with joy like a young girl at the fact that I had said his name. It was a nice name. I liked it.
The train whistle blew a warning. "Hell," Sirius sighed, "we have to go hide all our candy. Yearly tradition. We'll see you in the Great Hall, you'll be Gryffindor for sure!" He bounced off, Yvonne at his side. Peter followed them, and after lingering for a moment, Remus smiled at me, said, "I'll talk to you later, Seiri, find me in the Great Hall if you like," and went after his friends. I almost sighed, then caught myself.
Only James remained. He wasn't as effervescent anymore. In fact, he looked downright nervous. Wringing his hands, he said, "Er, L-Lily? Could I, er, perhaps, maybe, er…see you in the hall for a moment?"
Lily looked up at him, then glanced at us a bit helplessly. "I dare you," Vicky mouthed slyly.
That did it. Lily's chin shot up defiantly, and, drawing a deep breath, she answered, "Right. Sure, James."
For a period of five minutes, there was silence as the three of us desperately and shamelessly tried to eavesdrop on the murmured conversation outside. When Lily finally reemerged, she was white and stoic.
"Well? What happened?" Vicky prompted.
Lily shrugged, seemingly unconcerned, and picked up her Charms book. "He asked me out. I said yes."
Vicky looked as if she might ask something else, but desisted when Ella pulled her arm and motioned her to be quiet. She pointed at Lily's book.
She was holding it upside-down.
The rest of the train ride quite uneventful, until the very end, when someone tapped on the compartment door.
"Come in," we murmured as one, and grinned.
A tall, stern-faced witch slid open the compartment door with a very dignified snap. Lily, Ella, and Vicky immediately sat up and bit straighter and tried their best to look alert.
"You are Ms. Macnair?" she asked me, not giving away anything by her tone.
"Yes…" I ventured hesitantly.
"Come with me, please."
I shot a glance at my friends imploringly, but there was no help from the quarter. They motioned me to follow the witch. As I trotted after her through the train, she said, "Hurry, we must be quick. I'm to take you to the Headmaster so that you may be Sorted before the official ceremony. I assume you do not wish to be Sorted along with the first years?" She turned and stared at me sharply.
I thought of all those eyes upon me, especially those of Remus, Severus, and my brother, and shook my head vehemently.
"I thought as much." We continued to walk through the train.
Fifteen minutes later, I found myself rattling along in a horseless – horseless – carriage, heading towards an enormous castle. I gaped at it, eyes round with wonder. It was a particularly dark night, yet the castle was brightly lit.
When we reached the school, the witch – I learned that her name was Professor McGonagall – led me through a dizzying array of corridors that I despaired of ever learning my through.
Still, it would give me a good excuse to talk to Remus…
We stopped in front of an eagle statue. "Pumpkin Pasty," McGonagall said clearly, and to my surprise, the statue began to rotate.
She turned to me. "Go right up. The Headmaster will lead you to the Great Hall when it is over. Good luck." And she was gone.
I ascended the traveling staircase and found myself in a rather odd office, full of like gizmos and gadgets. A brightly plumed bird sat on a perch.
"Ah, good evening, Miss Macnair." An elderly gentleman walked over to me, an old, tatty hat in his head. "I am Professor Dumbledore." There was a kind twinkle in his eyes. Despite my upbringing, I found myself liking him immensely.
"Please, have a seat." He pointed to a stool. I sat obediently.
"Now, this won't hurt a bit." He placed the hat on my head.
For a moment, nothing happened. Then a small voice spoke in my head. I was not in the least bit surprised; I knew about this from Walden.
Hmm, not difficult at all. Not the cunning of Slytherin, not like the rest of your family, eh? I felt a pang: Walden was going to kill me. I put that thought aside. And not the cleverness of Ravenclaw, though not a bad mind in there — you will do well in life. You have a certain sweetness, but not enough for dear Hufflepuff. And what's left is…GRYFFINDOR.
Professor Dumbledore smiled delightedly. "Excellent, Miss Macnair. Come, follow me."
I smiled. Yes. Excellent.
Yesterday is a wrinkle on your forehead.
Yesterday is a promise that you've broken.
Don't close your eyes, don't close your eyes.
This is your life…are you who you wanna be?