A/N: I have to apologize to any of my reviewers who have wanted this chapter up faster. First I sent it in and it was rejected. *cries* Then I thought I sent it in again, only since I am a RIGHT FORKING MORON I sent in the wrong chapter. *cringe* So here it is, long awaited, and I'm sorry for the wait!
I entered the Great Hall through a shadowed side entrance: unobtrusive and unnoticed, just the way I like it. However, I didn't have any idea where I was supposed to be.
The Gryffindor table. Right.
Where was that again?
I was saved the trouble of having to ask someone, for I heard someone say, "Seiri, over here!"
I looked in the direction of the voice and saw Sirius sitting on the table, beaming and waving. A long, slender hand yanked him back down. My heart skipped the proverbial beat: it was indubitably Remus.
Shyly, and again trying to seem inconspicuous, I threaded my way through the tables and reached what was presumably the Gryffindor House Table. Here I paused, and as I stared, my heart did another funny acrobatic maneuver. The only free seat was between Lily and Remus.
Sweating and shaky, I slipped onto the bench. Remus, on my left, kindly shifted over a bit to let me in, but then edged back to where he had been. We were close…so close…
"Sirius says we're very much alike," he interrupted my thoughts.
"Oh…yes, he said the same to me." Why did I have to be so detached and cold? I cursed whatever God or gods that had made me this way.
"What sort of hobbies do you have?" he inquired. He was so friendly. Normally, I strongly dislike friendly people simply for being so overbearing, but now I appreciated his quiet and gentle method of trying to make me feel comfortable.
Unfortunately, I wasn't quite sure how to answer the question. "Well, I, er…what do you mean by hobbies?" I said inanely.
"Well, for example…what sort of music do you like? Do you play any instruments?"
I nearly melted.
Music was the only thing that sustained me for the harsh years of my life. When I was young, only seven or so, I had music lessons from an acquaintance of my mother's. I knew how to play the flute, the pennywhistle, and the fiddle fluently. My mother passed on to me the passionate love of Celtic music.
"I do." I could answer this question easily, thank goodness. "I play the flute, the pennywhistle, and the fiddle. Mostly old Celtic melodies."
His eyes lit up with delighted interest. "Really? Sirius has always told me I'm a prick for liking that music. I myself play a bit of acoustic guitar. Maybe we could play a few pieces together?" His tone was hopeful.
And my heart was hopeful. "That would be wonderful," I said bashfully. "Is there a music program at Hogwarts?" Walden had never mentioned one. Then again, he wasn't a lover of music.
"Well," Remus said wryly, "we had a choir." On the other side of the table, Sirius barked out a laugh.
"Godric, they were miserable. Used damn frogs for accompaniment."
"Sirius, they didn't have anything else," Remus told him patiently.
"I still think it was animal abuse."
Remus rolled his eyes and grinned at me. "I'm awfully sorry that you had to meet Sirius first — "
"I heard that!" Sirius interrupted indignantly. "And I'll have you know that I was quite charming." He seemed quite ready to enter our conversation, but, much as I liked Sirius, I wished he wouldn't.
"Sirius." Remus caught Sirius's eye for a moment, and they seemed to be holding a conversation. I tried to read it, but couldn't understand what either of them was getting at.
Sirius raised one eyebrow and cocked his head to the side. Remus nodded, almost imperceptibly, and shrugged innocently. Sirius mouth dropped open.
"You never! I was right?"
Remus smiled. "A first. But you were." He was blushing, I noticed.
"Right then," Sirius said, beaming like a proud father, "forget I said anything."
"I always do."
"Was I supposed to understand that?" I inquired softly.
Remus chuckled. "Godric, no! I'd tell you what it was about, but…oh, it's complicated. Sort of an inside joke."
I was spared the trouble of having to explain that I didn't know what an inside joke was by the advent of numerous small children, led by McGonagall. They proceeded up the main aisle, their frightened faces turning back and forth. My heart went out to them, and when one terrified girl glanced my way, I smiled at her reassuringly. She smiled back, a bit tremulously.
The small crowd reached the front of the Great Hall and halted in front of a stool with the Sorting Hat on it. There was thick, oppressive silence in the Hall, as if someone had cast a noiseless blanket over us, sewn with stitches of expectancy. Then the Hat's brim moved, opened, and began speaking:
'It's just a simple hat.'
But take another glance, my friend —
I'm so much more than that.
Not only can I think and talk
But also I can find
The House in which you most belong
According to your mind.
The Houses Four are all well-known
The story often told.
I will tell it yet again
For legends never grow old.
Lion, eagle, badger, snake
Four friends they did unite.
They made this magic school you're in
But then there was a fight.
Hark at me, I'm getting ahead!
I needn't tell this now!
The Houses came from where? you ask
So I shall tell you how.
How different they were, the Founders Four
Selective each were they.
They couldn't agree on one method
Alone, they had their say.
"Courage, bravery, nerve are mine!"
said Gryffindor the Bold.
"If they fear no danger great
They certainly fit my mold."
"That matters not, my reckless friend,"
said Ravenclaw the Wise.
"Wit and learning, intelligence
is the best in my eyes."
"You two do not yet grasp the key,"
Said Slytherin the Sly.
"Ambition, cunning, the pure of blood:
I surely won't pass them by."
"The three of you, don't be like that,"
Said Hufflepuff the Sweet.
"Give me the ones that you don't want
It'll be my treat."
Fairly happy were they all
Until the schism came
Slytherin left, the others stayed
But it never was the same.
Hear my words, wizards-to-be
Young as you still are
Don't fall prey to this darkness at all
Hate can leave a scar.
I separate you, but just realize
That you are all still one.
Now put me on, I'll place you well,
And then my job is done!
There was a round of applause, punctuated with a few worried murmurs and significant glances. Beside me, Remus's mouth was drawn tight as he clapped.
"Two years in a row," he murmured. "We know why…but how can we help?"
I resigned myself to a year of hopeless enigma and being left in the dark. "Remus, what do you mean?"
"Hmm?"
"What's happened two years in a row?"
"Oh. You knew about the Sorting Song already, of course."
His gaze was so sharp. I tried to keep eye contact and failed. "Yes. It tells the story of how Hogwarts was founded, how the Houses came to be, and how it split. Right?"
"Exactly. For the last two years, though, the Hat has been hinting at some sort of danger to come. We know what that is, of course: Volde — You-Know-Who," he amended hastily. "But the fact that it keeps stressing it and going on about unity between Houses worries a lot of people, including me."
I looked at Sirius, who was speaking animatedly to Peter, and then to James, who was gazing at Lily, and then to Peter, who was listening avidly to Sirius. My new friends didn't look to concerned either, except for Lily, who was fiddling with her hair distractedly, a pensive expression on her face. "None of the others seem worried," I said softly.
"They're not, yet. They will be, though, once we give them a chance to think about it." He grinned ruefully. "Once I remind them that they should be worried."
"Is it always like that?"
"Sadly. Let's just say the other Marauders don't like to see the serious side of matters."
"And you do."
His mouth quirked wryly. "I'm not terribly proud of it."
"No, no, it's a good thing," I hastened to assure him. "I admire it, at least." The moment the words were out, I blushed furiously at my audacity.
"You do?" He seemed, I dared to think, somewhat touched.
"Well…yes." I sighed. "The serious side of life is the part that I've had to see for most of my life."
Remus frowned at me, confused, and was about to speak when a sudden hush fell over the hall. He closed his mouth and nodded toward the staff table. I turned and saw Dumbledore standing, arms outstretched. I felt a guilty jolt, for though I was supposed to hate him, I couldn't help but find him a magnificent presence. His purple robes, embroidered with silvery stars and golden moons, swirled around his thin form, and I could see the kind twinkle of his blue eyes all the way from my table.
"Welcome, my students, to another year at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry! We have many new students — " his penetrating gaze bored into me, and I looked away " — so let us make a good impression and show them all what a real meal is. Tuck in!"
Sirius cheered as food magically appeared on the table. My mouth dropped open. My house had never been very plentiful when it came to giving me food. Now, overwhelmed by choices, I didn't know what to pick.
"I recommend the steak-and-kidney pie," Sirius suggested with his mouth full. "James and I love it with all our hearts."
Remus contemplated Sirius, nibbling reflectively on a potato. "Sirius, that was disgusting. Please don't talk with your mouth full."
"Shove off," Sirius replied promptly.
Remus raised one eyebrow. "No need to be like that," he said coolly.
"I hate it when you're right," Sirius grumbled resentfully.
"Which is all the time," James put in.
"Every day — "
"Every class — "
"Oh, be quiet," Remus cut in calmly. He didn't seem at all hurt by their teasing. "You both get better grades than me in class."
"Oh." Sirius thought about this. "I suppose we do, in a way…"
"Amazing, since you both have the attention spans of fleas," Remus added with a mischievous grin. Lily and I glanced at each other amusedly, then quickly looked away, smothering our mirth.
Sirius and James were still trying to think of a comeback. Remus sat back, an expression of satisfaction on his face. Peter watched the conversation, beady little eyes darting back and forth. I didn't really like him.
"Well…" Sirius said slowly, "…maybe we're smart fleas."
Remus stared him in the eye, mouth twitching as he struggled not laugh, but finally he broke down. "Smart — fleas!" he gasped. "Godric, Sirius, that's terrible even for you!"
Sirius shrugged charmingly. "I try," he replied with fake modesty. With that, he started eating again.
Remus shook his head and began poking at his food. At one point, he looked up and out the window, and sighed, profile sad. Then he returned to analyzing his meal.
He's mysterious, I thought, somewhat troubled, as I ate a bite of chicken. And it's not a good mystery. Whatever it is, it's hurting him.
"Seiri?"
My head shot up, and I turned to Lily, who was watching me with a curious expression on her face. "Sorry," I said guiltily. "Did you say something?"
"I was just wondering, what are you going to do about classes? You haven't taken O.W.L.S. at all, and you should have a good idea of what you want your future profession to be for the curriculum."
My heart started racing. "W-what? I…no one told me about this."
"We can talk to Dumbledore," Remus assured me. "He'll probably have thought of this already. If you want, I'll go with you after the Feast to talk to him."
I sighed gratefully. "Would you? If you'd rather not — "
Remus waved a hand, as if to say it was nothing. "It'll be better than going to the common room and watching these two buffoons make fools of themselves." He pointed at James and Sirius. Lily giggled. James poked her arm gently, unsure, and she gave him a small grin. His face lit up. Remus, Sirius, and Peter exchanged amused glances and busied themselves with their food. Vicky and Ella snorted softly into their plates. I myself blinked, feeling extremely in-the-dark.
Remus leaned over and whispered in my ear, "James has adored Lily for seven years, and she's spurned him for equally long. Now that they're finally going out, it'll be interesting, in a sickening way, to watch him prostrate himself at her feet." He smiled reflectively. "He'll still be our arrogant little James, though."
I smiled and helped myself to a plate of treacle tart, feeling that the world was a lovely place.
Soon enough, we had all of us, even Sirius and Peter, eaten far more than was probably healthy. The remaining food faded from the plates. Vaguely, I wondered where it went, but was too full to really reflect on it. I hazily remembered my brother sneering "menial servants…house-elves…" but wasn't exactly sure what their connection was. I was too content to think about it further.
I'm happy, I realized suddenly, and I nearly choked on the lump in my throat. For the first time in my life, I'm really happy. This is where I belong…
"Now that we have all stuffed ourselves beyond reasonable limits, I have a few start-of-term announcements." Dumbledore was speaking again. I propped my chin on my hand and listened.
"First of all, our caretaker, Argus Filch, would like me to yet again remind you that magic is not allowed in the corridors, nor are you allowed to use any magical items.
"Second, as you all should know, the Forbidden Forest is, of course, forbidden." He smiled, and a few people chuckled weakly. The four Marauders looked guilty. I grinned.
"Quidditch tryouts will be held in three weeks. Captains, take stock of your returning teammates and decide who you will need to hold tryouts for. Quidditch positions are usually reserved for those in third year or above. Also for third years and older, the first Hogsmeade visit will be held November 12. New students, you must have a form to be able to attend. If you do not have a signed permission form, you will not be allowed to go." My stomach gave a funny lurch: I had the sinking feeling that I did not have a signed form. I bit my lower lip and kept listening.
"This is the last and most important announcement." Dumbledore's lined face was grave. "We all know that the Dark wizard known as Lord Voldemort is rising." The hall collectively flinched. "Therefore, I ask you all to be on your guards, and please do not wander the grounds after sunset. Hogwarts cannot be breached by him, but there's no need to take risks. Older students, particularly prefects and our new Heads, watch over the younger students.
"And now, I think it is time for us to retire to our beds. Goodnight!"
There was a flurry of activity and cries of, "First years, this way! Follow me!" I stood up, bewildered.
Remus tapped me on the shoulder. "Come on, let's go talk to Dumbledore."
I swallowed nervously and followed him up to the high table, where the teachers were also vacating their seats.
"Professor Dumbledore?" Remus said when we reached the old wizard. "A word?"
Dumbledore turned. "Ah, Mr. Lupin!" he said softly. "How are you?"
Remus shrugged sadly. "As well as I can be."
Dumbledore nodded understandingly. Once more, I felt that there was more being spoken in this conversation than the words. "How can I help you, Mr. Lupin?" I kept my eyes down; he was watching me with his own keen blue eyes.
"It's about Seiri's classes," he explained.
"Ah, yes." I finally mustered enough courage to raise my head. Dumbledore smiled at me. "It is quite true, you did not take O.W.L.S., but I think…yes, I could make an exception. Your mother sent me a letter describing your curriculum for the last seven years, and I must say that I was rather impressed. Though, according to your family, you were not particularly expert in performing the spells themselves, the fact remains that you know more than the other seventh-years, and I am sure you would be able to keep up. Shall we say I've tested you myself, to avoid any negative speculation?"
I nodded meekly. "Yes, sir."
"There is still the problem of what classes you will take," he continued. "Do you have any idea of what you will want to do after you graduate?"
I shook my head. "No, sir. Sorry."
"Professor," Remus piped up, "if she doesn't know, can't she pick what course she wants to take according to where her friends are?"
I could have kissed him.
Professor Dumbledore raised his eyebrows thoughtfully. "That, Mr. Lupin, is an idea. Yes, I do think that will work. Ms. Macnair, you know Professor McGonagall, yes? She will come to the common room sometimes tonight. Please tell her what course you decide to follow, and she will give you a schedule. Does this agree with you?"
I nodded again, feeling distinctly like a puppet. "Yes, sir."
He gave me a long, piercing look, then added, "To allay another fear, your mother also sent a Hogsmeade permission form for you, so you will be allowed to go on visits to said village."
My face brightened marginally. "Oh, thank you!"
"Not at all. Now, if that is all, I suggest that we leave. I cannot speak for you, but I feel the food-induced drowsiness nagging at me." He winked. I smiled and stared at my feet.
"That's not all," Remus said, grinning. "You know of my bit of interest in music, of course."
"Naturally. I've heard tell of many a concert you've performed in the Gryffindor common room."
"Yes. Seiri also enjoys music, and I was wondering if there's an empty classroom we could use often to play."
Dumbledore thought on this. "I've often wondered why we never have an extracurricular musical group." He chuckled. "Mr. Lupin, I suggest you ask Sir Nicholas. He may know better than I the secret rooms of this castle. And now: goodnight, my young friends." With a sweep of his violet robes, he left through the same side entrance that I had come in by.
Remus sighed. "He's a wonderful man."
I shrugged awkwardly, acutely aware of the fact that we were the only two people left in the Great Hall. "He's all right, I suppose."
He shot me a piercing look.
I gazed determinedly at my feet. "I was brought up to hate Dumbledore. It's hard to change that."
"I won't grudge you for it," he murmured. "How will your family react when they find that you're in Gryffindor?"
I closed my eyes briefly, imagining my grandfather's rage, picturing Walden's fury, which frightened me more. I could always stay at Hogwarts for Christmas, but I would have to face Walden at school.
Remus saw my face. "Don't worry, Seiri," he said softly, resting a comforting hand on my shoulder briefly. "We won't let anything happen to you." He ran a hand through his hair and yawned, exposing somewhat sharp eyeteeth. "I don't know about you, but Dumbledore was right: I'm awfully tired. I'll show you how to get to the common room. Thankfully, as a prefect, I already know the password, so we should be set."
The walk there was awfully quiet. I knew that I was stewing in my own rather morbid musings.
Whatever it was that I was feeling for Remus scared me. I hadn't come from a background of enough love to be truly comfortable with that concept. So now, encountering it for the first time, I was scared witless. I was seized with the instinct to just run, put distance between me and the alien emotion. But I also wanted to stay there, beside him, forever. The conflicting emotions tore at me.
I hated it. My brutal father, my negligent mother, my distant brother: they had all three of them ruined for me a life that I truly wanted.
Fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do.
Girls become lovers
Who turn into mothers
So mothers be good to your daughters too…
~*~
"Oy, they're here!"
Remus and I were greeted with this cry when we walked into the Gryffindor common room. He grinned brilliantly at James — my heart yet again flopped around alarmingly — and trotted over, plopping onto a sofa. I followed at a more reasonable pace, considering that we'd just had a huge dinner, and perched on a puffy chair. Lily, who was sitting just as tentatively on another couch next to James, grinned at me. I smiled sheepishly back.
"What took so long?" Sirius asked, slapping Remus on the back. Just like a guy, I thought, remembering the time that Rodolphus Lestrange had come to our house for Christmas.
Remus shrugged, loosening his tie casually. "We had to talk to Dumbledore."
Sirius grinned. "Great man, he is."
I smiled. I decided, right then and there, nix on my upbringing. I liked this Dumbledore intuitively, and my new friends loved him.
After all, I thought grimly, I'm already going to be shunned by my family anyway. What does it matter if I add another "sin" in their eyes?
"Seiri? Are you all right?"
I blinked and looked up at Ella's sweet, heart-shaped face. "You look kind of sad," she said, commiserating. "Hogwarts can be a little scary at first, but don't worry, we'll make sure you have loads of fun here."
For the first time in my life, I thought I might cry. I had never cried as a child; I had quickly learned that if I cried every time I was hurt, I would spend my life in tears. In my eyes and the eyes of my family, weeping was a sign of weakness.
So I quickly banished the idea of crying and made my face grateful instead. "That means a lot to me, Ella," I said.
Remus snapped his fingers. "This reminds me. Seiri, your classes."
It didn't register for a moment. "Oh, right. Well…where are most of you?"
"The four of us — " he indicated the Marauders " — Lily, and Vicky are all in Auror courses."
Ella shrugged. "I'm taking Diplomat Studies. I'd really love to see other countries and find out how they run their wizarding worlds." She caught the expression on my face and laughed. "Go with the others, I have to say that my classes are rather boring."
Sirius did a little dance. "Seiri's in our classes! Seiri's in our classes!" he chanted gleefully. I flushed bright red.
"You're going to regret that for the rest of the year, once you have to spend all that time with him." Vicky tossed her head at Sirius.
"And him." Lily poked James in the chest. He gulped and smiled. Again, we all looked anywhere but at them, trying not to actually laugh out loud.
"What time is it?" Peter asked, yawning.
"Dunno," Sirius answered lazily, yawning himself.
"Bedtime, perhaps?"
"Possibly, although it will be embarrassing to go up there now. Remember, we have to maintain an image of sleep immunity."
Vicky snorted derisively. "Why, pray tell?"
Sirius shrugged. "Because we're the Marauders, of course! We cannot seem weak in any way! We stay up later, cause more mayhem, and disobey more rules than any other mischievous group!"
Everyone, even the other three Marauders, rolled their eyes. "How much sugar did you let him have?" Remus asked James.
James seemed highly affronted. "It's not my job to be his caretaker! I'm not his mother, you know."
"Thank God," Sirius muttered.
"Anyway, Remus, I thought you were the prefect. It's your job to look after him."
"You're the Head Boy, James."
This stumped James. "Well…you're more responsible than I am…" he protested feebly.
Remus raised one eyebrow and folded his arms.
"Y'know, Sirius is right. I hate it when you win. And you always do."
Remus bowed in his seat and winked at me. I half-smiled and stared into the fireplace, letting myself get lost in the pattern of the flickering flames…
"Ms. Macnair?"
I jumped up and to attention, staring into the face of McGonagall, who already struck a certain amount of fear and guilt into me. "Yes, ma'am?"
"Have you decided yet what course you are going to take?"
"Yes, Professor. I'm going to take the Auror classes."
She said nothing, only continued to stare at me. A curious expression, almost pitying, stole over her face. "Ms. Macnair, a word?"
I nodded, and she led me over to an isolated corner of the common room. Behind me, I heard Sirius curse, "Oh, damn! Godric — I don't think she knows what an Auror is, what an Auror does!"
I didn't hear the others' responses, but Sirius was right: I really hadn't the foggiest clue.
McGonagall stopped and faced me. "Ms. Macnair, do you know what an Auror does?" She kept her voice low and hurried.
I shook my head innocently. "No, ma'am."
"An Auror hunts wizards who are allies of You-Know-Who."
"What does that have to do with…?" I started. Then it hit me. If there was ever a family that supported 'the dark ways,' it was my own. They would kill me.
No, I thought angrily. Curse it, no. I'm not going to let them do this to me. They've ruled my life for seventeen years. Now it's my turn.
I squared my shoulders. "I'm going to become an Auror."
She locked eyes with me for a moment, then nodded. "I shall inform the Headmaster immediately." She left with a swish of her cloak.
I returned to my friends, who gazed at me worriedly. "Don't worry," I said softly, "I'm going to stay in those classes."
Sirius whooped and seemed inclined to start partying, but I stopped him. "I'm a bit tired," I confessed. "If you don't mind?"
This seemed to be the signal to break up. Before I could follow Lily, Vicky, and Ella, Remus stopped me. "Hey," he whispered, "we're going to help you. Chin up." He smiled. "Welcome to Hogwarts." And he was gone.
My lungs tight, I walked upstairs, my thoughts filled with Remus.
It's like I can't breathe
It's like I can't see anything
Nothing but you
I'm addicted to you.
It's like I can't think
Without you interrupting me
In my thoughts, in my dreams
You're taking over me.
It's like I'm not me,
It's like I'm not me…