I was the first to wake up the next morning. From the faint pink light outside the window, it was a couple hours past dawn.
I shrugged and got out of bed. I was used to waking this early.
The fire was still smoldering when I arrived in the common room. Other than that, the only light was the delicate sunshine just beginning to creep through the room.
I sighed gratefully. Ah, solitude. Much as I appreciated my new friends, I was a creature of seclusion and silence. That was how I'd lived most of my life, and old habits are hard to break.
I curled up on a couch next to the fire and laid my head on a pillow. I also needed this time to think about what I was going to do about my family situation.
The counts against me were numerous. First, I'd had the nerve to be Sorted into Gryffindor, the one House my family hated – and feared, I believed – above all others. I had also gained several new friends in said House, which I uneasily concluded could certainly not count on my behalf. If it was up to me, they wouldn't find out that I didn't hate Dumbledore.
An irksome feeling told me that the one thing that would enrage them the most was the fact that I was now taking the steps to becoming an Auror. Now that I was thinking about everything clearly, I dimly remembered my father sneering something about "detestable Aurors, always sneaking about trying to catch one of us at it, the filthy, paranoid freaks…" Since my father had, of course, been brought up by the grandfather I was supposed to be living with now, I had no doubt that he shared the same views.
And Walden…
I buried my face in my hands, trying to shut it out.
Walden, once the only person who I could even mildly count on, was now my greatest fear. He and his friends were now the closest to me, and thus could do me the most harm. I shuddered at the thought of what they could be planning, even now, in the privacy of their dorm…
"Seiri? You all right?"
My head jerked up, almost of its own accord. Remus sat in front of me on an armchair and rested his chin in his hand, propping his elbow on the armrest. "You look a bit sick."
"I was thinking about my family," I said automatically, then blushed.
Remus laughed. "That's all right. I figured you were. Sirius always gets that look on his face whenever he talks about his mum."
I surveyed him. His face was extremely pale and peaked, and the weak firelight accentuated the deep hollows in his cheeks. Alarming purple shadows circled his weary eyes.
"Remus, you don't look too good yourself," I said boldly, then bit my lip.
He sighed, but not impatiently. He just seemed depressed. "I nearly always look sick," he mumbled, not quite meeting my eyes. "It's just…part of who I am, I suppose. Don't worry, it's nothing serious." Each word was pained and precise.
Another mystery, I thought, somewhat grumpily. "Where are the others?" I asked.
He grinned merrily. "Still sleeping off their second meal from last night."
I blinked. "'Second meal?'"
"Ah, yes, you don't know the Marauder tradition. Every year, the others order as much candy as they can from the trolley witch. Whatever they can't finish on the train, they hide in their trunks and various other somewhat disturbing places and save it for the night. McGonagall caught us second year, so now she's on to them. It's a big game."
"Why don't you participate?"
He pulled a face. "I don't fancy being sick all night, thanks."
I bit my lip again and blushed.
"I'm just teasing, Seiri." He shot me a curious look. "You had a rather closed-in childhood, didn't you?"
I nodded, still not quite trusting myself to speak.
Remus shrugged. "Ah, well. So did I." And the subject was closed.
Sure enough, as Remus predicted, the other three Marauders staggered downstairs half an hour later, clutching their stomachs and looking a bit green.
James plopped on the sofa opposite mine. "You know, I'm actually rather glad that we're not going to have to do that next year," he panted.
"What're you talking about?" Sirius snorted, although I noticed his voice was definitely a bit strained. "I'm still doing that next year, graduated or not."
Remus shook his head. "Incorrigible," he muttered.
Lily, Vicky, and Ella all came down in due time as well. "Good morning, Seiri," Ella chirped.
Vicky glared at her and yawned pointedly. "It’s not normal to be so cheerful this early," she griped.
Ella shrugged and plopped down next to me. "Ready for your first day?"
I fidgeted under everyone's gazes and said, "Well…not really…"
Everyone chuckled appreciatively. I stared at my hands. I hadn't meant to be funny.
Slowly but steadily, the common room filled with people, all yawning and sleepily chatting with their friends. As more people came, the noise level increased. I winced and tried to block it out, but it was as if the noise was inside my head instead of out, pounding on my skull relentlessly.
And it wasn't even that loud. I frowned. There was something fishy going on.
I stopped paying attention to my friends' idle chatter and gazed into the fireplace. My eyesight blurred and grew hazy as I stared at the glowing coals…
The snap of a whip…a deep shout of man's laughter…a girl's high-pitched scream…a face covered in blood…"My God, help her!"…"Avada — "
I gasped and tore my eyes away. Sweat beaded my face, and my breath was coming in short gulps.
"Oh my — what happened?"
I looked up, still terrified. Lily was watching me anxiously, as was everyone else.
"I…"
I can't tell them what really happened, I thought wildly. They'd never understand — I don't even understand.
"I think I just drifted off momentarily," I resumed weakly. "And had a nightmare."
They exchanged skeptical glances. I shrank into myself and dropped my eyes.
To my surprise, it was Sirius who said, "Hey, I've got a great idea. Why don't we go down to breakfast?"
He sounded uncharacteristically lame and chipper. He also, I remembered, was sick on candy. I felt a pang of gratitude.
Remus jumped up. "First good idea you've had in a year, Sirius." He too was being exceptionally bright. "I don't about you three, but I didn't stuff myself on junk food last night, so I'd rather like to grab some breakfast."
"Do we have to?" Peter whined.
"I have to say I agree with him, for once," James said. "Take pity on us, Remus. I can't move."
"That's your fault. And Sirius can move."
"Sirius is a special case in anything and everything."
"James." There was a steely note in Remus's normally quiet voice. "We're going to the Great Hall."
James gulped and sprang to his feet. "Sir, yes sir," he said, saluting. There was a ripple of laughter, and the others started piling out of the common room.
Only Sirius, Remus, and Lily remained behind, still watching me worriedly as I slid off the couch. "I'm fine," I repeated. "Really."
"Are you sure?" Lily persisted.
"Seiri," Sirius said, sounding a bit shaken himself, "you didn't see the look on your face…you looked as if you'd just seen someone killed."
Funny, that. I had.
Remus said nothing, only caught my eye and continued gazing at me.
I heaved out a shuddering sigh. "Let's just go to breakfast. Please."
It was a silent affair. I was still brooding over the vision I'd had. There was no chance that I was what they called a Seer…but then, what had happened?
McGonagall passed out our schedules as we were nearing the end of breakfast.
"Should never expect much variation with only four classes to take," James mused absently as he scanned his schedule. "See, look here: start off the morning with D.A.D.A. at nine, then Charms at eleven. Then we have lunch." He wrinkled his nose at the piece of paper. "Double Transfigurations. What're they trying to do, kill us?"
"Quite possibly," Vicky murmured, staring at her own schedule in disgust. "It's N.E.W.T. year, remember."
There was a chorus of groans. "Don't remind me," Lily complained. "I don't know how I'll get through this year."
"I'll be there," James teased.
She elbowed him in the side. He smiled beatifically.
"Well," Remus said brightly, "I think it's just about time for us to go." He winked at us all and stood, tugging the Marauders to their feet as well. "See you in class."
Lily, Vicky, and Ella stood as well. I followed suit.
Ella grinned at me. "Seiri, good luck! I'll see you all later." She disappeared down a corridor.
Lily sighed and double-checked her schedule. "And so the day starts. Come on, let's go." She started off down the corridor opposite the one that Ella had gone down. Vicky and I trotted after her.
Along the way, Vicky whispered, "So, what do you think of the Marauders?"
I allowed myself a small smile. "They're wonderful."
She shared a conspiratorial grin with me. "I can tell they all love you already."
I started in surprise and stared at her, blushing. "What? H-how?"
She laughed, and Lily turned around, grinning. "What?" she asked curiously.
"Discussing how this one here has stolen the Marauders' hearts." Vicky gave Lily a significant wink.
Lily nodded back, smiling slyly. "Oh, that you have. James said you were a sweet little thing. And we can all see that Sirius is besotted with you, in a friendly way. He loves Yvonne too much for his own good."
"Peter was quite taken with you as well, I heard him tell Remus that he thought you were awfully pretty." Vicky wrinkled her nose and patted me on the shoulder. "Sorry about that one, mate."
"And then…there's Remus," Lily reminded Vicky, grinning like a Cheshire cat.
The same slow smile spread over Vicky's face as well. "Oh, yes. There's Remus."
I was curious. "What?" I prodded, smiling and feeling a bit silly. "What about Remus?"
Lily grinned wider yet. "Well, all I can say is, you must be a miracle-worker. I never thought Remus could be any sweeter than he already was, but ever since your arrival, he's been particularly wonderful."
As we entered the D.A.D.A. classroom, I felt, for the second time in my life, that I could hug the world.
Sirius had, apparently, saved me a seat between him and Remus, who smiled at me. I had the sudden suspicion that Sirius was trying to play matchmaker.
No use, Sirius, I thought grimly, good mood evaporating. I'll muddle it some way, even if Remus was interested, which I highly doubt.
Yvonne, who was sitting next to Sirius, leaned over him to smile at me. "How do you like Hogwarts so far?"
"It's wonderful," I admitted with a shy smile. Feeling like I should say more, I added, "You've all made me feel welcome."
"We could do nothing less," Yvonne said. She dropped her voice. "Er — we're all quite well-acquainted with your brother."
"Ah." I winced. "Sorry."
"It's not your fault!" Yvonne looked aghast. "Obviously not. But we want to make sure you have a pleasant time here at Hogwarts. It becomes everyone's home over time, anyway, but, well…" Yvonne trailed off, not sure how to finish her statement.
"No, no, I understand," I assured her somewhat absently. The teacher had just walked in. The class quieted down immediately. It was as if he had turned everyone mute.
He slammed his briefcase on his desk. Everyone jumped.
"Morning, everyone," he said with grim good humor. "Had a lovely vacation?"
No one answered.
"When I ask a question, I expect an answer," he continued, still sarcastically polite.
There was a chorus of, "Yes, Professor Berkeley."
His black-eyed gaze swept the room, and he fixed one baggy eye on me. "Ah. You the new girl?"
I swallowed and nodded. Remus nudged me. "Yes, Professor Berkeley," I amended nervously.
For a moment, he didn't say anything. Finally —
"Right. Let's jump right in. You're lucky, everyone, today I'm just going to cover some extremely simple new material. You'll all know of these, but I doubt you'll know how to use them. We're going to cover Dark Detectors. This — " he fished in his pocket for something " — this is a Sneakoscope. I'm sure many of you have bought the cheap Zonko's kind, but this is the real thing…"
For the next two hours, he demonstrated and explained several different Dark Detectors. I never lost interest for a moment: this was the sort of stuff I wanted to learn, but never did under my father's unrelenting rule.
I would love to be able to spend my life doing this, I thought ecstatically.
Professor Berkeley showed us his Sneakoscope, his Secrecy Sensor, his Foe-Glass, his Reality Radar ("…shows any hidden power in a wizard except their being Animagus, nothing can pick that up, but it'll show if they're a Metamorphamagus or something like that…really rare, these are, only ten in the world, I was lucky to get my hands on this; you sort of beam it at them like this…"), and several other fascinating gadgets. Though the explanations lasted for an hour and a half, I was never bored.
During the last half hour, Professor Berkeley invited us to come inspect the devices ourselves. As there were only eighteen people in the class, and at least twelve contraptions, it was not mass pandemonium. However, it was loud enough for the professor to casually pull me aside and say, "Look, Macnair, if you ever have trouble…with, you know, your brother, or any of his sort, let me know if I can help."
Utterly mortified, I nodded and squeaked, "Yes, sir." Then I made my escape to where my friends were clustered around the Reality Radar.
Sirius was holding it up, examining it from all angles. "Hey, Remus, wonder what'll happen if I point it at — "
"Be quiet, Sirius," Remus growled.
"No, honestly, I could just press this button — "
"Be quiet, Sirius."
"Leave him alone, you," Yvonne ordered, poking Sirius. "How would you like it if I pointed that thing at you?"
Sirius shrugged, grinning at Remus and tossing the small Reality Radar to James. "You'd not find anything special." He winked at his friends. James and Peter smiled smugly back. Remus was still put out about something.
Lily had taken the Radar from James and was also studying. "Professor Berkeley?"
"Hmm?"
"This detects that the person has a secret power, yes, but…where does it say what exactly the person's power is?"
"Well…it doesn't."
Her green eyes widened. "It doesn't? Then – then what good is it?"
"At least you'll know there's something fishy about the person. It's your job as an Auror to find out exactly what's amiss."
He sent us on our way, and we trotted towards the Charms classroom.
"And that," Lily commented wryly, "was Professor Berkeley."
"I thought he was an excellent teacher," I ventured timidly.
"Oh, aye, excellent he is," James said agreeably. "But he's a bit scary, even after four years we're a bit in awe of him. He was a break from our old professor, though, she was a demon. Scared us out of our miserable first-year pants."
"Which you didn't mind, in Lily's case," Sirius snickered.
"OY!"
Peter, Remus, Lily, Vicky, Yvonne, and I rolled our eyes as Sirius bolted down the hall, James hard on his heels. They were sitting in two chairs in the Charms classroom when we arrived there, red in the face and panting.
"Serves you right," Lily scolded James, who was wheezing and clutching his side. Yvonne said something similar to Sirius, who just shook his head, eyes closed.
In this class, I sat between Lily and Vicky. I couldn't suppress a slight pang of disappointment; Remus was sitting three seats away from me. However, I forgot it soon enough, for Vicky was quite good company too.
Just because you seem to be interested in a boy doesn't mean you throw away your other new friends, I thought uneasily. I was terribly disappointed with myself now.
Tiny Professor Flitwick had nearly the same reaction to me that Berkeley had had, only Flitwick also let out a tiny squeak when he stumbled across my name in attendance.
Flitwick also seemed inclined to let the class take it easy that day. We spent the entire class studying different charms for stopping an enemies' movements, all in varying levels of difficulty.
"Petrificus Totalus," I said somewhat timidly, pointing my wand at Vicky. There were only about five minutes of class left, and we were practicing the charms on each other.
Nothing happened. "Come on, you've got to have more conviction than that," Vicky said with a grin. "What would you do if I were a charging Death Eater?"
I laughed outright and glanced at Remus, who practicing with Peter. Peter, it seemed, was not a particularly proficient wizard. Remus was standing there, looking bored, as feeble red sparks fizzled out of the end of Peter's wand.
"I feel a rather sorry for him, too," Vicky said, misreading the expression on my face. "Remus is too clever at this to have to deal with Peter, who, poor kid, isn't exactly good at this." She shrugged. "Nothing we can do about it now, though. Here, try that spell on me again, and try to imagine I'm someone you really hate."
Pictures of my father, Walden, and, unaccountably, Severus Snape, flashed through my mind. I raised my wand and shouted, "Petrificus Totalus!"
Vicky froze, and I dashed over to keep her from falling over. Quickly, I muttered the counter-curse.
"Much better," she said approvingly, as Flitwick trilled, "Class dismissed!"
We gathered our belongings quickly, eager to eat before facing our afternoon classes. Again, Sirius and James bolted for the Gryffindor common room. Remus chuckled and followed after them with an easy, loping stride, and Peter jogged after him, puffing gracelessly. We girls were content to walk down the hall, laughing and gossiping.
It struck me again how lucky I was to have escaped my old life, how lucky I was to be here with friends to laugh with. Perhaps it was wrong to rejoice in someone's death, even the death of someone so deserving as my father, but the emotion would not be stayed.
Lily, Vicky, and I had almost reached the portrait-hole when two blurs sped out of them. "You're dead, Black!" one yelled. To my surprise and hidden amusement, it was not James, but Remus.
"Just because I — OOF!"
Remus had taken a flying leap and tackled Sirius around the waist. Together, they smashed to the stone floor with an audible thud. Everyone in the corridor winced.
Both were laughing so hard they barely had the strength to playfully pummel each other. "I'm going to kill you!" Remus wheezed, feebly punching Sirius in the stomach.
Sirius's face was turning bright red, he was laughing so hard. "Like – to see – you – try," he gasped, putting Remus into an awfully weak headlock. Remus wriggled out of it, then lay spread-eagled on the ground, chest shaking as he laughed uproariously.
James stepped over, an expression of supreme smugness on his face. "Now, what's this ruckus? Tsk, tsk — Remus, you're a prefect, you should know better."
"Oh, go away."
"Insubordinate cur!" James pounced on the unsuspecting form of Remus.
I, however, frowned. Something almost akin to fear had flickered across Remus's face when James called him an insubordinate cur.
Lily tugged on my sleeve. "Come on, Seiri. We'll be late to lunch."
I tore my eyes away from the teasingly scuffling Marauders regretfully. Remus looked even better like that, completely natural and happy. I chewed my bottom lip worriedly. Somehow I thought he'd never act that way with me.
Probably because I'd never know how to act like that. It was true. I could never make Remus happy, no matter how happy he made me.
I sighed and deposited my belongings in the common room, still a bit depressed.
Vicky noticed and commented on it at lunch. "Something the matter, Seiri?"
I snapped to attention. "Oh, no. Well…" I hesitated. Could I trust them?
No, that voice at the back of my mind hissed. You've only known them for a day, and remember, you can't trust anyone. You trusted Walden once, and look at how he is now.
They were waiting for me to say something, though. "I'm just a bit worried for Transfiguration," I finished lamely, briefly recalling the Toadstool Incident. "I was never a very good hand at it."
The Marauders plopped down next to us at this point. All were red-faced and chuckling except James, who was rather pale and wore an odd look on his face.
"Why'd you leave, girls?" Sirius queried merrily. "You missed the best part, Remus here accidentally kneed James right in the — "
"That's enough, Sirius," James and Remus interrupted together. Remus's face was now more the pink of blushing, and James had just regained a bit of color.
Lily poked Remus in the chest. "None of that, now. Leave his manhood alone."
"Believe me, it wasn't something I meant to do," he protested, holding his hands up defensively.
"You know you want it," James said winsomely.
"You wish."
"I know I do." James nudged Remus suggestively. Remus shoved him back and started in on a turkey sandwich.
Our meal passed by happily, with the Marauders as our entertainment. James and Sirius were obviously the two main troublemakers of the group: together, they ganged up on Peter and goaded Remus into being sarcastic.
It was a special treat for me: I saw a completely different side of Remus, and I also got to watch him and examine his features. With every moment, I felt myself falling faster and deeper into something I hesitated to call love.
To my great embarrassment, it was Remus himself who disturbed my thoughts by catching my eye as I watched him. "By the way, Seiri, I asked Sir Nick, and he says there's an old classroom he knows of that's empty and will provide anyone who goes there with music."
I blinked. "'Provide us with music'? What does he mean?"
Remus shrugged. "Dunno. He could have been joking, of course, but knowing this castle, he was telling the truth."
I smiled shyly. "That would be lovely."
We had to head off to our next class by then, Double Transfigurations. I had not been lying to Lily and Vicky when I said I was nervous for Transfigurations; it had never been a strong point for me. I'd received more than half of my injuries in my home Transfigurations lessons, and so I was used to being physically reprimanded in that class.
I had nothing to fear besides an unnaturally strict teacher in Professor McGonagall. She, out of all the teachers, was the only one determined to tax us that day: we immediately jumped into self-transfiguration, which left us all staggering and groaning when we emerged from her classroom.
"Godric, that hurt," Peter complained.
No one answered — most of us were too busy twitching and taking stock of our injuries. It wasn't that we were bruised or bloody, it was more that you got a very odd feeling when you transfigured your hand into a mousetrap.
"I think we should tell our parents — " Peter continued.
"Shut up, Pete," Sirius interrupted, disgusted. "Like our parents'd care. They'd probably cheer McGonagall on. Bloody hell, why a mousetrap? Now my hand feels all snappish."
For once in my life, I was thankful for my atrocious Transfigurations skills: I hadn't actually managed to turn my hand into anything very much like a mousetrap, although it still looked distinctly wooden.
Remus sidled over to me as we walked through the halls. "Do you want to set a day for that, er, music — thing?" he fumbled a bit, peering down at me anxiously through his faded brown bangs.
I opened my mouth to reply and walked straight into someone.
Beet red, I started to say, "Oh, I'm so sorry." Then I saw who it was.
Severus Snape sneered at me. "Look who it is, the little blood traitor. Walden isn't very happy, you know."
I glared at him mutinously and then looked away. I couldn't meet that empty black gaze any longer.
Remus and Sirius positioned themselves a little closer to me. Sirius folded his arms implacably. "Bugger off, you little piece of filth."
Snape stared at him coolly, hatred flickering in his eyes. "I'd like to see you make me."
"Would you really — " Sirius started forward, rolling up his sleeves, but Yvonne caught him by the back of his robes.
Snape smirked. "Oh, yes, Black's little pet — "
Lily shoved her way forward. "Get out of here, Snivellus." Her emerald gaze was filled with anger, her voice brimming with irate scorn. "They've done nothing to you this year. Neither has Seiri. So leave us alone."
Snape sneered hideously and brushed by us, taking the time to whisper in my ear, "Walden would like a word with you sometime this week, so be ready for it."
The Marauders glowered after him. I was nearly afraid that they would kill him: all four were purple with suppressed rage, Sirius had his wand out, and Remus's fists were clenched. Lily was visibly restraining James from going after him.
Vicky's delicate face was worried. "Come on," she said. "Let's just go to the common room."
Yvonne took Sirius aside to whisper something in his ear and kiss him lightly. He nodded tersely, calming down, and kissed her back. Wordlessly, he led the way to the common room.
Supper that night was a quiet affair. The Marauders were still visibly upset over something. Eventually, I leaned over and asked Vicky about it, very quietly.
Her expression was still troubled. "The Marauders and Snape have been at war with each other since they first arrived at the school. They spent five and a half years jinxing each other whenever they had they chance, until, just at the end of last year, they decided enough was enough after they got in big trouble for something or other. Just the sight of him still makes them angry, though, and they feel completely helpless not being able to curse him to oblivion. And I'll tell you what — " here she lowered her voice " — I really think Remus was especially angry at the way Snape threatened you. He always used to stay out of their teasing him, but this time he was absolutely livid. It takes a bit to get Remus that angry."
I glanced at Remus, who was staring at his untouched plate, eyes burning. I noticed that the others were casting him concerned looks as well. James leaned over and whispered something to him; Remus shook his head shortly, which alleviated the expression of near fear on James's face. James still, however, seemed a bit thoughtful.
I braved Remus as we headed back up to the Gryffindor common room. Cautiously, I touched his shoulder. "Remus?"
He stopped and turned to me. The others went by. Lily cast me a curious look, but at a subtle nod from me, she hurried on, only stopping once to look back at us before James gingerly took her hand and led her on again.
"Remus, I'm sorry about what happened today," I said carefully.
He shrugged, face expressionless. "It wasn't your fault."
"I know. But, Remus — please, don't worry about me. Walden may yell at me, but somehow I don't think he'll go so far as to hurt me here."
Remus heaved a sigh. "You're probably right." He tried to smile at me. "I just don't want to see you hurt, Seiri." Light as a feather, he touched my shoulder, then started walking away.
A whisper of a sigh passed from my lips, and I followed him.
I don't wanna run away, but I can't take it
I don't understand
If I'm not made for you,
Then why does my heart tell me that I am?
Is there any way that I could stay in your arms?