A week flashed by before I had even realized what happened. Over those next four days, I grew even closer to the Marauders and the girls. All seven of them, including Yvonne, seemed determined to keep me in good spirits.
Friday dawned sunny and clear, and for the first time, I woke up feeling as if this was indeed a good omen.
"Right, you know what this calls for?" James said at breakfast.
Mouths full, we shook our heads. "What calls for what?" Peter finally asked.
"We deserve a bit of an impromptu party, to celebrate our survival of our first week," James declared proudly.
"Brilliant!" Lily beamed. James smiled proudly and raised her hand to his lips. She giggled.
Everyone else looked away. Remus caught my eye and grinned. I covered my mouth, trying not to laugh.
James and Lily's relationship had progressed at a remarkably fast rate. They'd gone from being awfully shy around each other to awfully affectionate.
Lily had gotten over her earlier animosity towards James by the end of our first day there. "He really is being a dear," she had admitted to us that second night in the dormitory. "Now that he's stopped hexing people left and right, I feel like a bit of an ass for not going out with him sooner. But now I think he's rather a sweet boy."
"It also helps that he's a tan, muscular Quidditch player, eh?" Vicky had commented wickedly.
Lily had grinned unabashedly. "That does help a bit…"
By now, they were up to the stage where James would walk her to class with his arm around her waist while she smiled up at him sweetly. It was adorable, in a highly sickening way.
"Should we make a trip or two?" Sirius asked James cryptically. I came back to the present.
"Oh, I think we should," James agreed, winking secretively. "What say you, Moony?"
I raised my eyebrows at the nickname.
'Moony' shrugged and calmly swallowed a bite of toast. "You can go ahead, I'll stay safe."
"Why don't you two ever ask me about what we should do?" Peter pouted.
"Because we know you'll go along with us," Sirius commented carelessly, waving one hand dismissively.
"And you usually can't keep your mouth shut, so keeping you in the dark is always the best way to go," James added, somewhat maliciously. "Sorry, Pete."
Something flickered across Peter's chubby little face, too fast for me to really see what it was. I shivered.
"It is a bit drafty in here, isn't it?" Ella said, misreading my shudder.
I nodded absently. "Yes…a bit."
"Here now," Sirius said suddenly. "I'd like to propose a toast."
I had a horrible sinking feeling in my stomach right about then that I knew who the toast would be directed at.
"To our new friend. May the rest of her weeks at Hogwarts be as cheery as this one!" Sirius beamed as he downed his cup of pumpkin juice. The rest followed suit while I, blushing wildly, stared at the ceiling and pretended nothing was happening to me.
Remus drank obligingly, but when he set his goblet down, he said, "Sirius Black, you are completely and utterly bereft of tact."
"What did I do?" Sirius asked innocently.
Remus shook his head. "It's not even worth it."
As we stood and started walking towards our first class of the day, Potions, Remus said to me, "Sirius thinks that everyone in the world is like him: public and without any sense of dignity."
I laughed. "It's all right. I'm quite nearly used to him by now."
In a remarkably short time, I had put away my earlier shyness around my new friends and carefully emerged from my shell, poking my head into a happy, laughing world that I had previously never known existed. My friends had taught me how to laugh and feel free, and I gradually showed them that my gentle wit did belong with them.
"I don't think anyone ever gets used to Sirius," Remus said.
Our morning classes flew by quickly and without mishap. I spent Potions helping Remus — he happens to be an abysmal Potions student, whereas I was schooled very thoroughly in this subject by my father — and Charms practicing assorted hexes with my usual partner, Vicky.
During supper, I thought of bringing up the music room again with Remus, then sadly decided against it. He hadn't brought it up again during that week, so he must not have been as interested as he had originally seemed.
"Penny for your thoughts?" Lily teased.
I raised an eyebrow. "That's all my mind is worth? How embarrassing."
Lily shook her head, chuckling. "You know, you've changed a lot from when we first met on the train."
I shrugged, smiling softly. "I suppose it's like taking in a street cat. It'll become amiable and amusing in a loving environment."
"Interesting analogy."
I smiled a bit. "I do try."
I looked up and saw Remus watching me, a little smile on his lips. "Yes?" I asked with fake casualness. His smile still managed to make my throat tighten.
He shrugged as well. "Nothing, really. I just agree with Lily. You…really are different."
"That's not bad, I hope?"
"Of course not!" He looked almost affronted that I'd suggest such a thing.
I grinned. "Just checking." I checked my watch. "Time to get to D.A.D.A."
It was a rather odd day in that class. We entered quietly, but then became even more silent, for Berkeley was sitting at his desk, head buried in his hands.
"What d'you think's the matter with him?" Remus asked, jerking his head in Berkeley's direction. His thin face was concerned.
"I don't know," I replied, frowning as I set my books on a table. "Poor man looks terrible. Maybe today's lesson is upsetting to him."
It turned out that I was right. The lesson dealt with summoning and identification of several gruesome and frightening symbols of evil.
"The Dark Mark is the best known one by now," Berkeley told us shakily, "but there's loads more…you kids don't even know the half of it…"
We found that over every person who had been Imperius-ed hovered a serpent strangling a doll, invisible to the of everyone except for the one who performed the curse and those he or she chose to reveal it to. At the site of a Cruciatus Curse performance was a ghostly, twisted red knife. Every time a dementor performed its Kiss, gray vapor would form the shape of an oval with two holes near the top and a slash at the bottom: a featureless, empty face. And there was so much more…so much more pain, so much more trauma…
Everyone walked out of that particular class white and shaking. I felt as if I might be sick.
"So that's why he looked so upset," Yvonne said in a hushed voice.
We shot her curious glances, although no one could bring themselves to ask what she was talking about.
"When I used to go to the hospital wing…" She trailed off and blushed, absentmindedly rubbing her side. "Well, I went down there once, and he was there, sobbing something terrible. It was…difficult to have to hear what he was saying next. He kept repeating, 'I can still see it, Poppy…that skull over my own house…she hadn't done anything to him, she was just there…' I think that You-Know-Who murdered his wife, or daughter, or even a sister." She shuddered, and Sirius slipped a comforting arm around her waist and kissed her forehead.
"Somehow," James said bleakly, "I'm not much in the mood for a party tonight. Sucked all the fun out of it, that class did."
"Come now," Sirius protested weakly, "we can't duck out. All right, that class was extremely depressing and creepy. A party is exactly what we need to brighten our outlook for the weekend. We'll just – just put our stuff in the common room, and then go to dinner, and plan everything out, and celebrate the coming weekend."
"The coming opportunity to finish all our bloody homework," Vicky muttered darkly.
"See? We don't want that sort of thinking," Sirius said indignantly. "Come everyone — to the common room!" He kissed Yvonne lingeringly, regretfully, then started trotting down the hall, stopping ever so often to wave at her over his shoulder.
We followed him obediently and put our stuff down. On the way down, I excused myself to use the girls' lavatory. "I'll be right down," I assured them. "Go on ahead."
They did so, and accordingly, I used the toilet. I reemerged in the hallway and prepared to follow my friends down to the Great Hall.
I hadn't counted on Walden.
A strong hand gripped my shoulder and spun me harshly, slamming me against the stone wall violently. The breath exploded from my body.
"You," he whispered, his voice shaking with rage as he gripped my shoulders. His eyes were flint, with little sparks of fire in them. "You filthy – you traitorous – you vile — "
"Let me go."
I said it calmly, without struggle, but it was enough to stun him for a moment. Never before had I made the slightest pretense of fighting back.
When he regained his wits, he boxed my ears so hard I thought I would black out. "Don't you dare say that to me, scum! I will let you go when I'm finished with you, and believe me, it hasn't even started yet."
A slap. "Do you know what I've had to deal with in my house? The shame? The mocking?" A kick in the shin. "Grandfather is furious, I wouldn't be surprised if he kills you. You're not to come back to his house — we don't want sodding Gryffindors there." A scratch of ragged nails across my face.
"My pleasure! Why would I want to go back there anyway?" By now, I was angry, and not even thinking of the consequences, blinded by my new-found hatred of my treacherous brother. I spat in his face.
Walden grabbed my by my shoulders and shook me with frightening ferocity, eventually causing my head to whip backwards and crack against the unforgiving stone. I sank to the ground, doubled over in pain and clutching my head. I wanted so badly to go unconscious, oh, so much, anything but live with this pain, but I remained stubbornly awake.
He kicked me viciously in the side, and I curled around it. To my surprise, he didn't follow up his advantage, but stepped back.
Fighting off waves of dizziness, I clambered to my feet, watching warily. I could feel the sticky blood trickling down my scalp, soaking my hair.
"And now," Walden panted, raising a fist, "here's where it really starts — "
"GET AWAY FROM HER!"
A blurry shape hurtled down the hall, crashed into Walden, and began pounding my twin.
It took me a moment to register that it was Sirius. My throat moved desperately but noiselessly. When it finally worked again, an unearthly shriek welled from my mouth. "NO! Sirius, Walden, stop!"
The patter of footsteps filled the hall, but my mind dwelled only on the two shapes that were tangled on the floor, apparently determined to cause each other as much pain as Walden had just caused me.
Frantically, I seized a handful of black robes and tried to pull it away from the fray. A hand emerged and backhanded me so brutally that my lip split and also began oozing blood sluggishly. The coppery taste stained my mouth.
"Please!" I begged. "Just stop!" An unfamiliar noise tore at my throat, and suddenly, it was hard to breathe, and my vision was unfocused. Dazedly, I turned away from the fight, touching my face. It was damp and slippery, and when I pulled my hand away, I expected to see blood. I didn't.
I was…crying.
This realization only made me weep harder, and the tears fell, faster and faster, and the footsteps were only getting louder…
I buried my face in my hands, ashamed, hiding my sorrow.
"Oh my — James, get over here quick! Stop them! Frank, Ben, you too!"
It was Remus. I couldn't bring myself to look up. I heard clamor all around me, but I was stuck in my own moment, embarrassed by this show of emotion.
"Seiri? Seiri, please look up."
I heaved a shuddering breath mixed with a whimper.
"Please."
I lifted my face and blearily focused on his above me. Wordlessly, he opened his arms to me, and I found myself falling forward into them, crying quietly but without restraint into his warm shoulder. He held me tightly. "Godric, I'm sorry…" he murmured in my ear. His hand touched the back of my head and met the blood there. "He hurt you, didn't he." It wasn't a question. "That you should be stuck with that wretch of a brother…Seiri, it will all be all right. We'll make it right. We'll all help you."
I continued to cry, slowly calming under the influence of his soft voice and his comforting embrace. Sadly, this was probably the most romantic thing that had ever happened to me, but I was too distraught to focus on that.
I finally felt composed enough to break away from him. He looked me deep in the eye. "Lily is right down the hall. I want you to go to her and have you taken to the hospital wing."
"I can't…" I whispered brokenly. "I can't tell Madam Pomfrey what happened. He'd kill me…"
"Then lie and tell her you fell into a suit of armor," he said sensibly. "But those need some treatment. James and Frank have broken them up, and we'll try to patch everything up." He squeezed my shoulder and walked away.
I was left to thread my way through the crowd alone, fruitlessly endeavoring to ignore the curious glances cast my way. I kept my eyes down until I ran straight into someone and was engulfed by another pair of arms.
"I'm sorry, Seiri," Lily said simply.
I didn't cry this time, only stood limply while she hugged me. Peter, Vicky, and Ella hovered nervously on the fringes.
"Let's get you down to the hospital wing."
The four formed a sort of protective wall around me, shielding me from sight. As they escorted me down the hall, I couldn't help but look back. Walden stood, restrained by several Slytherins. A black eye was starting to show, and his gaze towards me was loathing and murderous.
The new Nero Macnair was rising. My life would be lived in fear. My father's legacy lived on in his son.
Because of you,
I never stray too far from the sidewalks.
Because of you,
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you,
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you, I am afraid…
~*~
I spent two hours down in the hospital wing. Madam Pomfrey bustled and clucked a great deal, applying healing salves to my wounds and telling me I'd have to be down there for at least an hour while they did their work.
I had other plans in mind, however, and took advantage of the great silence of the hospital wing. The only noises were the occasional whimpers from other occupants, but besides that, pure, blessed silence.
I had forced my friends into something I didn't want them in: the personal strife between Walden and me. I was putting them in nearly as much danger as I was in myself. Now Walden and his followers were especially angry at Sirius, who had already been a black mark on the pureblood records…
Remus.
I ground my teeth and buried my face in my hands.
What if, somehow, they found out about Remus? He was my weakness.
What was I supposed to do? Now that I had experienced friendship and love, I couldn't just give it up. But I'd have to.
And then a little voice said, No.
This wasn't fair! Just because I happened to be stuck with a brother like Walden, I would have to deny myself happiness? That since I had been brought up in an abusive family, I would forever live in lonely misery?
I wouldn't take this. I deserved something in my life, and if Walden tried to take up the quarrel with my friends, I would somehow make him pay. Somehow.
Besides, I thought somewhat guiltily as I slid off the bed, something tells me they wouldn't take well to it if I stopped being friendly to them.
I said goodbye to Madam Pomfrey and thanked her, then emerged in the corridor, muscles a bit tense. Walden would know that I had gone to the hospital wing, and so could be waiting to ambush me at any moment.
So this is how my life will always be like, I couldn't help thinking, always peering around corners to make sure my death doesn't lie beyond one of them.
I reached the portrait of the Fat Lady and composed myself, putting on a smile. That way, they'd all see that I was over what had happened two hours previous, or at least pretending to be.
"Thestral Wings," I said to the Fat Lady. She swung open, and I crawled inside.
When I was straightened, a very…er, interesting sight met my eyes.
Three quarters of the Marauders had apparently decided to turn exhibitionist that night. Sirius was lying on the sofa, his shirt completely off and lying crumpled on the floor, along with his tie, jumper, and undershirt. The firelight played over his pale skin and highlighted the well-defined muscles under it. James and Lily sat nestled together at the end of the same sofa. James's shirt was not off, but it was open all the way and exposed his tan chest and hard Quidditch muscles. Lily rested her head on his chest, eyes half-closed.
The best and most unexpected for me was the sight of Remus curled up in an armchair, reading a book, his shirt halfway unbuttoned and revealing glimpses of thin, but somehow strong, pectoral muscles.
Peter was the only one who had remained in his full school uniform, although he had shed the tie. He was sitting in the comfy seat closest to the fire. Near him, on the small, two-person sofa, I could see the backs of Ella's and Vicky's heads, bent together in solemn conversation.
The table was littered with food of all sorts, with several bottles of some substance that I prayed was not alcoholic.
Taking a deep breath, I walked over to them, and found that my fake smile had even turned genuine. Frankly, the scene was touching, and I was glad that I would be a part of it.
Everyone's heads snapped up, and hopeful smiles decorated peaceful faces. Suddenly shy again, I tugged one unruly dark-auburn curl. "I'm all right," I answered the unspoken question. "I'm over it."
Sirius sat up, his messy black hair a startling contrast to his ivory face and torso. "Peter, make room for the lady," he barked out, grinning gleefully.
Peter hurriedly slid off the chair. I smiled at him gratefully, causing him to blush bright red, and sank into the chair.
Ella leaned forward. "You're sure you're fine?"
I nodded. "I'm sure."
"It's just…we've never seen you cry before…" she said carefully.
"It was just the shock of it," I assured her soberly. "It was somewhat unexpected." I turned to Sirius. "And you, Mr. Black..." He assumed a hangdog 'who, me?' expression. "Yes, you, Sirius. Let me fight my own battles. I…"
Here I hesitated. However much they might have guessed about my life, they did not know for certain that I had been beaten as a child, and as of now, I still wasn't comfortable enough to freely admit it.
"I can deal with he doles out to me," I resumed. "I'm not quite as weak as I appear." Unconsciously, I rubbed my throat, stroking the hidden scars. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw both Remus and Lily frown.
Sirius looked aghast. "I don't think you're weak!"
"Then let me fight for myself," I repeated. "I don't want to draw any of you into my familial…complications." And the subject was closed.
I pointed to one of the brown bottles. "What is that?"
"Butterbeer!" James said enthusiastically, taking a swig from a nearby bottle. "Warms you right up."
I fixed him with a reproachful stare. "I'm sure it does."
He chuckled. "Don't worry, Seiri. It's not alcoholic."
Haltingly – I had become used to Marauder pranks in the short time I had known them – I picked up a bottle and took a sip.
My eyes widened. "Well!" was all I could say.
"Good, innit?" Sirius asked proudly, taking an enormous swallow from his own bottle.
"It's certainly…original," I replied. My stomach felt unusually warm and fizzy, filled to the brim with mellow, vanilla-tasting liquid.
Vicky picked up a small package and tossed it to me. "Try it, it's a Chocolate Frog."
Sirius grinned. "Right then. Let's party."
"No more tea, thanks, Mrs. Potter…"
I smiled indulgently at the sleeping, half-naked form of Sirius. His mouth was open, and I had been listening to him talk in his sleep for the past fifteen minutes. Oddly, he was quite persistent over not wanting more tea from James's mother.
It was about half-past midnight, and the others had long since fallen asleep. All that was left of our feast were empty bottles and wrappers.
"Empty chairs at empty tables," a voice said softly.
I jumped, startled. Not only had I not known that anyone else was awake, but whoever it was had spoken aloud almost exactly what I had been thinking. "Who's awake?" I asked.
A chuckle. "I'll give you a hint: I'm not Sirius."
I smiled to myself happily. "Funny, Remus. What sort of hint is that?"
A shadow stood and went over to the fire, poking it unceremoniously. "It's too dark in here for proper conversation," Remus explained.
Several coals sputtered indignantly, then slowly gave off a bit more light.
While he was doing so, I glanced around somewhat wildly. Sirius, James, and Lily were on the same couch they had been on, but Peter, Vicky, and Ella were sprawled on the floor. The two-person couch was free…
As if he had read my mind again, Remus plopped onto said couch and nodded toward the space next to him. "It'll be easier to see each other this way. Fire's nearly gone out."
I gulped. "Well…but…I like this chair…"
Remus gave me a sidelong look, and said, "Oh. I see. You think being a bookworm is contagious."
"What — " I started to protest, then realized he was joking and laughed a bit hysterically. "That's not fair."
"Come on, Seiri, I don't bite," he teased. The dim firelight turned his face into a series of hollows and hills, his blue eyes burning in their sockets. Perhaps it was only the flickering of the fire that made me think I saw a shadowy expression pass over his face. Or perhaps not…
Hesitantly, I settled onto the sofa next to him, trying not to be obvious about the fact that I was sitting as far away from him as possible.
He didn't seem to notice. "How'd you enjoy your first Marauder party?"
I grinned. "It was nice."
"Just nice? We were trying our hardest to make it as fun for you as possible, considering what had just happened."
I sighed. "I appreciate it. Really, I do. And it was more than nice, it was…extraordinary."
He smiled, looking satisfied. "That's good to hear. Are you sure you're all right about…I mean, d'you want to…what I'm trying to say is, what happened earlier…" Remus gazed at me helplessly.
Unfortunately, I couldn't help him. "Erm…I'm not exactly sure what you're getting at, Remus…" I confessed embarrassedly.
He exhaled sharply. "The…fight. D'you want to…you know, talk about it, or anything?"
Oddly, I felt let down. For one breathless moment, I had thought he was talking about the hug he had given me earlier.
"It's just…er, well, I'm here to listen. You know."
I suppressed a chuckle. He looked so cute and awkward: his light brown bangs were in desperate need of a trim, and his earnest blue-green eyes showed nothing but helpfulness. Almost without knowing it, I let down my guard and allowed myself to edge closer to him.
"There's nothing really to say," I said. "It's…over. Or at least, as over as a matter like blood betrayal can be in my family." Remembering the expression on Walden's face, I shivered, suddenly and violently.
Remus made a sudden movement toward me, then abruptly checked it and leaned over to the table instead, tossing me his jumper.
I took it, touched, and pulled it on, reveling in its boyish scent. Somehow it felt like Remus had his arms wrapped around me again…
No more, I ordered myself sternly, and was once again quite aware of the little amount of space on the two-person couch. Damn couch, I thought at it. I also cursed Lily, James, and Sirius for taking up the larger couch.
Silence descended — not a bad silence, but a silence all the same, interrupted only by the periodic crackling of sizzling logs. I stared at them curiously, and felt my eyelids start to close…
Joyful laughter…the sound of bells…a flash of red…light glinting off of twin mirrors…"Good man! — "
I jerked myself back to reality. It had happened again, this strange sensation of seeing something that wasn't there! What was happening to me? And what did it mean? Granted, this vision, or whatever it was, was far more benevolent and enjoyable than the other one, but I still didn't relish the thought of spending my life seeing things that weren't there.
If this is a gift, I thought mutinously, I don't want it.
Suddenly, I was aware that Remus was frowning at me curiously, and blushed.
He leaned forward, and I tried to stop myself from inching away. BLASTED COUCH! I wanted so much to be closer to Remus, and that was exactly what wouldn't do, so all I had left to do was stay farther away. Our hands were a mere inch apart. I curled mine into a fist and started nibbling on my thumbnail.
"Seiri," he whispered, "what are you afraid of?"
I blinked. That was exactly what I wasn't expecting.
"Well…" I answered slowly, "…Walden. I'm afraid my father will come back to life in him. And…hurting my friends, directly or indirectly. Being an outcast. Never being able to feel anything." That you don't love me. "What about you?"
His eyes were bleak as he stared at his hands. "Losing the ones I love, especially by my own fault." He shuddered. "I can face anything but that."
I touched his shoulder lightly, and he turned to me, gratitude in his eyes. Time stood still for a moment.
Then he broke it by smiling crookedly and saying, "Although I'm not sure I'd particularly like failing out of Hogwarts, either."
I chuckled, hurriedly withdrawing my hand. Curse you, I thought at myself furiously. You're dead gone on him now. "Don't be ridiculous, Remus. Besides James and Sirius, you're the smartest in our classes."
"Frivolous fleas that they are. And don't forget Lily."
"Right, Lily too," I agreed.
We talked for awhile longer, then settled into comfortable silence. I felt my eyelids begin to shut and snapped them back open. On this small couch, sleep could be deadly…
"You look awfully tired, Seiri," Remus offered nervously.
I couldn't suppress a yawn. "A…bit…"
"Well…I mean…if you want to, er…if you'd like to lie down…what I'm saying is…I've heard human shoulders are more comfortable than they look," he finished feebly.
It took me quite a long time to figure out what he was trying to say. "Oh. Oh! Well…that's really all right…" I protested, turning an incredible shade of pink.
"I just thought…you know, since they stole all the pillows," he explained, gesturing vaguely at all the others. He was almost as red as I. "I don't mind, really. I'm comfortable the way I am, but I thought you looked a bit kind of cramped…"
Possibly because I was squished as close to the armrest as I could be without being too obvious.
Why not? the reckless part of my mind thought. He's offering, after all. Besides, didn't he say before that you could count him as a 'surrogate brother'? A brother, nothing more.
Much as this thought distressed me, I delicately laid my head on his shoulder. "You make a nice pillow," I said, them immediately regretted it.
Remus laughed. "Thanks. Wonderful commendation, that."
"…Remus?"
"Yes?"
"Thanks for listening to me."
"Anytime," he murmured as I drifted off to sleep. "Anytime."
I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with a broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved…