Another couple of weeks went by, during which time I never talked to Remus about music. He was sick in the middle of our second week at Hogwarts, and after that I didn't want to disturb him.
The only problem was, I didn't know where Nick's music room was. To find out, I would actually have to talk to Nick, a task from which I continually shied. The occult was not something I was particularly fond of.
By Thursday of our third week, I could put it off no longer. The itch to play was nagging at me persistently, and I thought I would scream if I couldn't in the near future. Right after classes, I summoned my courage and braved Sir Nick.
For a moment I stood poised, about to tap his shoulder. Then I realized how silly and potentially embarrassing that would be. Clearing my throat, I said, "Er, Nick? I mean, Sir Nicholas?"
The ghost turned around and beamed. "Good afternoon!" he greeted me genially, head wobbling on his severed neck. I tried not to stare. "What can I do for you, my dear?"
"Um. Well." I was going nowhere fast. "Perhaps, er…has Remus Lupin ever talked to you about a music room?" I spat out desperately.
"Ah, so you're the girl he wanted to play with!" Nick said.
Ignoring all the different connotations that could have and sticking with the innocent truth, I replied, "Well…um, yes. Er, where is the room?"
Nick frowned. "What about Mr. Lupin?"
Oh, dear. "I wanted to go and, erm…tune," I lied.
"Without eating anything?" Nick managed to appear suspicious and wistful at the same time. "Eat while you still can, I like to say." He sighed heavily.
Feeling awfully guilty, I answered in a small voice, "I'm not that hungry. But, um, I'll go down to the kitchens later?"
Nick's face cleared marginally, although he still looked skeptical. "Well, if you're sure…come along, then, I'll show you where it is."
I already had my instruments carefully hidden in my book satchel. Now I followed Nick as he led me on a dizzying route of corridors and turns. I despaired of ever being able to return to the room — if it was this confusing with a guide, how was I supposed to find it without one?
Remus can be your guide, my fickle mind whispered.
Well, he doesn't seem very interested in it, now, does he? the rational side of me retorted. I hate my conscience.
It took me awhile to realize that Nick was talking to me. "…called the Room of Requirement by those who know of it, and trust me, very few do know of it. Many come upon it by accident, as it were; I only know of it through the grapevine. Ah, here we are!"
We stopped, and I blinked. By now we had reached the seventh floor and were in a deserted hallway. An expanse of blank wall lay on one side, while on the other was a rather gruesome tapestry of tutu-clad trolls beating a man.
"This is where I leave you," Nick told me. "All you have to do, or so I'm told, is walk by this wall three times, concentrating very hard on what it is you need in the room."
It was the 'or so I'm told' that got me. "W-what do I do if that doesn't work?" I asked nervously.
Nick winked. "Oh, it should, don't worry! Besides, it's not as if you'll be totally alone…" And he was gone before I could question him further.
My shoulders slumped. "Lovely. Just…absolutely bloody beautiful. I'm stuck in front of a mysterious wall on the seventh floor of Hogwarts, with instructions that may or may not work. Fantastic."
I sighed. "Well, no harm in trying, I suppose…" I murmured, and started pacing, picturing in my head a comfortable room full of music and musical equipment, a true instrumentalist's dream.
The third time around, I shot a glance at the wall. There was a door.
I stopped in my tracks and arched one eyebrow in the general direction of the door. "Well, well, well…" I muttered, jogging over. "Perhaps Nick's not that bad after all…"
I further apologized to Nick when I entered the room and saw it exactly as I had pictured it. The shelves were stocked with music and instrument care supplies, comfortable chairs littered the place, and stands were stacked neatly against the wall.
And there was a bird.
I hadn't thought a bird into the place, that was for certain.
On reflection as I gazed at the silent fowl, I came to the conclusion that it wasn't bothering me and wouldn't do me harm. Shrugging, I sat in the nearest seat, took out my flute, and put it together, reveling in the feeling of cool metal under my hands. Positioning my fingers, I held it to my lips and blew a note.
And something squawked into my ear, "SHARP!"
I shrieked and jumped out the chair, whirling to face whatever it was.
The bird blinked at me.
I relaxed. "Oh. It's you." I glared. "Not one for subtlety, are you?"
The bird persistently said nothing.
"You're a tuning bird, then?"
The bird stared the ceiling and pretended I wasn't there.
"Fine, then." I adjusted my flute and, from a safe distance away, blew the same note.
Again, the bird crowed, "SHARP!"
Finally, I had it perfect, and the bird hopped back to its perch. Shaking my head, I drifted over to the shelves and absently began looking through the music. Choosing a piece at random, I took the yellowing parchment and set it on a stand. For a moment I sat, fingering the flute absently, trying to remember how to play. Then, with sudden conviction, I placed it against my lips and began the song.
Joy welled up and over, thrilling me with its heady elation. Oh, how I had missed this! The simple joy of making music, a gift at once more natural and more precious than anything else I ever knew. Even Remus faded from my thoughts as the wild Celtic melody filled the room. If I had closed my eyes, I'm sure I would have seen the woods, a dusky forest from the old days. Though I couldn't do this, images of nature and beauty filled my mind and gave me sense of peace I hadn't felt for months now.
I held out the last quavering note and rested my flute into my lap with a sigh, letting the aftermath of the music settle into me.
"Oh — Seiri?"
I stiffened at the sound of the voice, then relaxed again, cursing my innate paranoia. "Hello, Remus," I said softly. For the first time since I'd met him, I felt like I couldn't talk to him. Confused, I dropped my eyes, feeling a blush mantle my cheeks.
Remus edged into the room, shutting the door quietly. Then he paused, suddenly hesitant. "Or – d'you want me to – you know – " He gestured at the door.
Absently, still dreamy, I answered, "No, leave it closed, it'll be better that way."
Then I jerked back to full consciousness.
Oh God.
I did not just say that, I thought desperately, turning even redder.
Oh, yes you did, the fickle part of my mind whispered gleefully. Think of the connotation associated with that.
I tried to wiggle out of the embarrassing pit I'd created for myself. "I mean, the music won't carry through the rest of the castle as much if the door is closed."
Remus blinked, reddening as well. "Um…well…" he faltered helplessly. "Er, I was actually asking if you wanted me to leave," he finally said.
"Oh, no, stay if you want," I said. "Not that it's my room to kick you out of, mind," I added, rather wishing I could die.
He smiled slightly. "But it is your music," he murmured, pulling up a chair nearby. I noticed he had a guitar case slung over his shoulder. "That was incredible, Seiri. Where did you learn to play like that?"
I shrugged uncomfortably. "A friend of my mother's. She used to come around a lot, until…"
Until my father kicked her out of the house for being half-blood…my mother insisted she didn't know, but my father still wasn't happy…
"Until she got married," I continued steadfastly. I could feel his eyes on me and gazed determinedly at my feet.
Remus didn't press the subject. Instead, he unzipped the case, revealing a perfectly crafted rosewood guitar.
My eyebrows shot up. "Bloody…" I breathed. "That's — "
He smiled sadly. "Expensive?"
I gulped and nodded.
"Thankfully, it's a Lupin family heirloom. Otherwise I wouldn't have it." He let out a short laugh. "Not by a long shot." Almost experimentally, he placed his fingers on the frets, much the same way as I had situated my fingers on the flute keys, and strummed a sweet, wavering chord.
I grinned despite myself. I liked the guitar, though I had never had much interest in learning it myself.
Remus played a snippet of a tune that sounded decidedly modern. "What was that?" I queried when he finished.
He smiled. "Bit of the guitar from a song by a Muggle group called The Beatles. My dad's a Muggle, he likes that sort of stuff."
"It was nice." I edged a little closer, shy and unsure. "Would you play a song for me?" I asked timidly.
"Of course."
He started his song, gazing down at the guitar strings, and I watched him. I noted the way the light hit his hair and picked out the reddish tints in the brown. I saw how his eyes, gleaming like this, showed traces of gold. I examined the paleness of his skin, how his nose didn't really fit his profile, how his ears were hidden from sight by his hair.
Then his mouth caught my attention. It was a nice mouth: clever, mobile, a bit wide and crooked, serving to make his expression somewhat amused and wry, two aspects of his personality that he always showed around his friends. Thinking of his mouth caused an unexpected blush to rise to my face.
"Er…Seiri?"
Not again.
I winced. "Yes, Remus?"
"Do I have something on my face?" He was honestly confused, poor lad.
I was mortified. "No," I said with an atrocious laugh. "I just fell into something of a trance." I bit my lip.
He nodded understandingly. "Music can do that to you." His long, slender fingers tapped the guitar somewhat nervously. "Er…a duet? Unless you don't want to," he amended. "You haven't seemed very interested in it lately…"
I stared at him, shocked. "I thought you didn't want to!" I replied, somewhat accusingly.
Remus smiled. "Well, it was just a case of misunderstanding, then? I certainly like this. There's only so much Sirius and James that one can stand."
I laughed. "Fine, then. A duet." I leaned over and chose a piece at random off the shelf nearby. "This one sounds nice enough."
Remus counted off, and it began.
There were no words to describe how beautiful it was. My flute and his guitar matched pitches and resonated together in perfect harmony, moving through the music with such fluid grace that I was amazed. The melody thrummed and beat inside my heart — it was my heart, it seemed.
Yes. It was my heart, unquestionably. Playing music with Remus filled me with so much raw emotion that I shook.
Unaccountably, my gaze on the music shifted, and for one breathtaking moment, our eyes met.
Then my flute faltered, quivered, died. I laid it in my lap. "I-I'm sorry," I whispered, blinking away something in my eyes.
"No harm done," he replied hoarsely, sounding somewhat choked. He cleared his throat self-consciously.
Sweat dripped down my forehead, and I wiped it away. Heat washed over me like some sort of molten tidal wave.
"It is a bit – hot in here, isn't it?" I gasped, brushing my curls away from my face.
"A bit," Remus agreed, breathing out a heavy sigh. "The fire's banked too high, or something."
I had the feeling that, in my case, it was more of an emotional fire than anything else. I stripped off my vest and undid a few buttons on my shirt.
Remus frowned suddenly and leaned forward. "Seiri, what are those scars on your neck?"
I cursed inwardly. My scars! I had forgotten the Concealment Charm that morning! The open shirt collar clearly revealed them. "It's nothing," I mumbled.
His brows drew together. "Those aren't nothing. They look like they hurt a lot."
"They're nothing," I insisted, my panic voicing itself as anger.
Remus drew back, stung. "Seiri…you can tell me what happened."
"No. I can't," I flung at him harshly. Gathering my belongings in a haphazard jumble, I stormed out the door, hating myself for hurting him. But no one could know…
"Seiri!"
Remus had caught up to me. He laid a placating hand on my shoulder. "Seiri, I'm sorry…"
"If you were really sorry, you'd leave the issue." By now, I was looking for a fight, anything to release the fear within…
"I'm only trying to help," he explained quietly.
"Fine then! How did you get that scar across your nose?" I glared up at him.
Remus winced and was silent.
"You see? You don't like it so much, do you?"
"No," he replied, voice shaking slightly. His face had paled several shades. "No, I don't. You're right. I'm sorry."
"Good," I spat, whirling. Then I turned back just as quickly. "And just so you won't ask this in the future, this scar? This one, right here?" I pointed to the one on my temple. "I got that because I fell into a table as kid and scratched myself. Happy? There's one mystery you've pried into."
I wasn't even making any sense anymore. Wishing myself at the bottom of some abyss, I fled.
Of course, I didn't know where I was going. Blindly, I picked a corridor that I thought seemed familiar. Remus wasn't pursuing me, I could tell. When I glanced back briefly, I saw a sight that wrenched my heart. He stood gazing after me blankly. Then, shuddering, he hid his face in his hand. Aimlessly, he started down another hallway.
Sorrow and repentance flooded me, but before I could stop, someone stopped me, grabbing my shoulder with a gentle but strong hand.
I skidded to a halt and spun to face my captor.
Lily was staring at me with wide, disbelieving eyes.
I drooped, suddenly limp and weak. "Oh, hell. Oh, no. How much of that did you hear?"
Lily was still watching me as if she hadn't seen anything quite like me. "I was just coming up to get you two," she explained slowly.
Shaking, I slid to the floor, burying my face in my hands. "I feel like a terrible person," I muttered stupidly, my voice muffled.
Lily sank down beside me. "Seiri…you lied to me. You lied to the three of us. Why?"
It hit me. I had told her, Ella, and Vicky that the scar on my forehead was from Walden throwing a rock on me. I had just told Remus it was by my own fault.
My lies had finally caught up to me.
In this moment of frail realization, I broke my promise to myself and told Lily. I explained my life as a beaten child, how I didn't want people to pity me or treat me differently because of it, how I was ashamed of what I'd had to deal with.
"Seiri, you should know by now we're not going to shun you or feel sorry for you because of a few scars," Lily comforted me. She started to say something else, then bit her tongue and subsided into silence.
I sighed miserably. "I know, it wasn't rational…I just didn't feel right, telling you."
Lily helped me to my feet. "I suppose that would explain why you spoke to Remus the way you did." There was a note of sternness quite akin to McGonagall in her voice.
I knew the color was draining from my face. "Oh, Godric," I breathed. "Remus will never forgive me."
Lily glanced at me oddly, then quickly looked at any place but me. "Oh, he'll forgive you," she assured me. "He – he knows what it's like to have stuff to hide."
I shot her a curious look. Lily shrugged inscrutably. "Come on, I'll walk with you to the common room, but then I have to patrol the halls." Her gaze softened. "If you're not going to tell the others, you at least owe Remus an apology and an explanation."
She was right, and I knew it. Squaring my shoulders, I nodded. "Let's go."
At the portrait of the Fat Lady, she paused. "I have to go now. Good luck." And I was left alone.
It took me awhile to summon the courage to say the password. Minutes passed as I paced, wrung my hands, and nibbled my bottom lip, a nervous habit of mine. The only reason I actually did go in was because the Fat Lady threatened to lock herself if I didn't hurry up. I had no choice but to whisper "Dancing Doxies" and slip in.
It was easy to pick out Remus. While the others were crowded on one side of the common room, discussing something with several other Gryffindors, he sat silently in the armchair closest to the fire.
Apprehensively, I crept up behind him. "Remus?" I whispered.
He jumped and turned, craning his neck to see me. His face turned blank, as if wiped clean like a blackboard, but I saw the flash of pain that sparked in his eyes.
"Remus, I want to talk to you," I whispered. One delicate hand lay on the armrest of the chair. Wondering at my own audacity, I picked it up between my two cold ones and tugged slightly. "Come with me."
Wordlessly, he stood, following without protest as I led him outside the common, his hand warm in mine. I ignored the indignant huffs from the Fat Lady and her outraged mutters of, "Oh, you again…"
I faced him. "Remus, I have to say something."
He said nothing, only looked down into my face. We were close…so close…
So disconcertingly close. I averted my eyes. "Remus, I'm sorry. I'm really, really sorry. I shouldn't have said any of that, not a word of it. And if you listen to me, you'll understand why I said it."
The torchlight changed his eyes to a tawny color, and in their depths, I read forgiveness and an open mind.
So I told him. I relayed stories of my father's cruelty, and spent detailed time on how I received the scars around my neck. The memory was a painful one.
And through it all, Remus listened attentively, his eyes soft and compassionate. When my tale at last spun to an end, he squeezed my hand. I hadn't realized until then that I had forgotten to release it.
"Oh, Seiri," he murmured, "I hate that you had to go through that. I know why you yelled at me now."
"All's forgiven?" I ventured hopefully.
"All is forgiven," he confirmed, smiling. He spoke the password to the Fat Lady and poked his head into the passage.
"Remus?" Something was bothering me.
He withdrew his head. "Mmm?"
I took a deep breath. "I'd like to go back to the Room of Requirement to play duets again, if you do too."
A true grin spread across his face. "So do I, Seiri. Without a doubt."
I crawled in after him, knowing that my world was full of music.
Softly, deftly, Music shall caress you
Hear it, feel it, secretly possess you
Open up your mind, let your fantasies unwind
In this Darkness which you know you cannot fight –
The Darkness of the Music of the Night…
A/N: For those of you who may wonder, I didn't explain how Remus found the Room of Requirement. Nick told Remus Seiri was there, then showed Remus to the Room and told him what to do. Remus was thinking as he walked by, 'Seiri's music room,' which was a foolproof way for him to get in. Eh? (And yes, Remus did indeed cry…OH EM GEE AWWWW. :D)