A/N: THREE cyber-cookies to anyone who can guess what either Seiri's second or third fire-visions were about. Hint: nothing to do with her. Also, as a precaution…please don't hurt me for what happens in this chapter. *wince*
"Hogsmeade this weekend!"
This joyful cry greeted me on Friday, November 11, when I entered the girls' dorm after dinner, intent on resting after a strenuous day.
I smiled into Vicky's elated face. "Oh? Why so happy?" I teased gently.
She grinned back shiningly, a warm flush rising to her cheeks. "She finally gets to spend a day in Madame Puddifoot's with her boyfriend Balavan Patil," Lily answered for her, winking down at our friend. "He's in Ravenclaw, so they never see each other much."
"They've been together for three years," Ella said, sighing romantically. "It's so lovely."
"I'm still in the room, dear," Vicky said. "I can hear every word you're saying."
Ella smiled cherubically. "Oh. Sorry."
I pulled my pajama top over my head. "What sort of fun is there in Hogsmeade, anyway? I've heard a lot about it, but not enough specifics to know what to do there."
"Oh, there's so much!" Lily said excitedly. "There's the Three Broomsticks, this quaint little pub; Zonko's Joke Shop, it's Sirius and James's favorite haunt, which explains everything; Honeyduke's, the candy shop — it's absolutely amazing; the Shrieking Shack, which is supposed to be the most haunted building in all of Britain: for seven years people have heard all sorts of moaning noises and groans coming from it; and — " Here Lily blushed, " — Madame Puddifoot's."
"Dubbed by me as the Snogging Salon," Ella said. "It's a sweet place, really, but a bit too sweet, if you catch my meaning."
"Well, don't you have a reason to go this time?" Lily said slyly. She and Vicky glanced at each other, than burst out giggling. Ella blushed a ridiculous shade of pink.
I stared at them amusedly, confused. "What?"
Lily stopped laughing long enough to say, "P-Peter asked her to Hogsmeade with him!"
I joined in. "Oh, I'm so sorry! He's a nice enough boy, but…"
"He's Peter," Ella finished somewhat gloomily. "I thought for sure he'd ask you, but he's too shy, and instead…well, you see the end result." I noticed that she wouldn't quite meet my eyes when she was talking, and my other two friends looked decidedly shifty as well.
"What are you planning?" I inquired warily.
"Planning? Us?" Lily said innocently. "Why ever would you think that?"
I snorted. Vicky blushed.
Then something snapped in my mind. Not about what they were hiding, but about my Hogsmeade experience in general. "Wait…Ella, you're going with Peter…Vicky, you with Balavan…and Lily, you'll be with James?" Lily affirmed this with a nod. I was crestfallen and tried not to show it by gnawing my bottom lip vigorously. "Right, I'll just amuse myself, then, I suppose…"
There was a moment of awkward, expectant silence.
Then Ella piped up with, "Oh, please come around with me. I don't know what Peter and I will talk about that whole time."
"Didn't — " Vicky started. Lily elbowed her in the side. Vicky shut up.
I stared at them with narrowed eyes. "All right, the game's over. What are you three hiding?"
"We're not hiding anything," Lily reiterated vehemently. "Back to Hogsmeade. If you think about it…well, James, Sirius, and Peter will all be…er, busy. Why don't you go with Remus?"
Click. It all came together.
I rolled my eyes dramatically. "Oh, for pity's sake. That's what you're hiding. You're trying to set me up with Remus, aren't you?"
"Are not," Ella protested weakly.
I shook my head mournfully. "I appreciate it, I really do, but I don't think he's interested."
"But I thought mmph mmph mmph…" Vicky's speech was unintelligible, for Lily had clapped her hand over Vicky's mouth. Lily smiled at me innocently.
"Besides," I continued, "I – I'm not interested in him…either…"
The three gave each long looks and stifled laughter.
My temper rose in me and reared its ugly, icy head. "And what, may I ask, are you laughing at?" I snapped haughtily.
Lily was unperturbed by my tone. "Oh, don't play coy with us, Seiri," she chuckled. "We know that you see him as – ahem – more than a friendly acquaintance."
My charade was over, apparently.
By now, I trusted them, however, and freely let it end. I deflated. "Am I that obvious?" I said piteously.
"Not at all," Ella assured me. "We're just good hands at picking up on it. If you're worrying about whether Remus notices, I doubt it. I was far worse than you last year and the year before, and Remus only realized it when Sirius told him."
Double my reasons for keeping my love for Remus a secret from Sirius.
A thought occurred to me, a thought at once so wonderful and so terrifying that I nearly choked on my own breath. "And…do you…know…how Remus feels about me?" I asked slowly.
Lily gazed straight into my eyes and replied calmly, "Haven't the foggiest."
I drooped again, feeling oddly like a scolded dog.
Vicky glanced at me, glanced at Lily, opened her mouth, closed it, opened it again, and shut it once more. Fish out of water, I couldn't help thinking.
Ella cleared her throat uncomfortably.
Fine, I thought at them furiously. Keep your secrets. I don't care.
"Ask him to go to Hogsmeade with you," Vicky suggested out-of-the-blue, popping an illicit Chocolate Frog into her mouth.
I scoffed again. "Don't you think that would be a bit transparent?"
"As long as you don't bring him to Madame Puddifoot's, it's not," Lily assured me. "I used to go with him all the time, when he wasn't feeling well and the other three were keen on causing trouble. It was never anything to us."
I was trapped between a rock and a hard place. I so wanted to spend a day with Remus; but then again, wouldn't that seem like a date to him? That would be terrible; but then, wouldn't it be equally terrible to go with him and have him think we were just friends, when I craved for us to be so much more?
Lily saw the conflict in my face and said, "Don't think about it, really, you two might end up together by default. Everyone else will be going off, he might…you know, ask you…there…"
Clearly, she was fumbling for words, which I took to mean that she, like I, was actually holding out much hope.
Something else was bothering me, although I couldn't put my finger on it, the little whisper of a mocking thought that breathed its doubt into my ear, then fled when I listened…
I had it.
"Do any of you believe in love at first sight?" I inquired in a would-be casual voice.
"Yes!" Ella said enthusiastically.
"No," Vicky replied derisively.
Lily was silent, thoughtful, gazing at the ceiling.
I couldn't help but smile: their three different answers clearly outlined their personalities. "Lily?" I prodded.
"I…don't…know…" she answered deliberately, lingering on each word meditatively. "Sometimes I think that, even if you don't realize it, you can love someone when you see them for the first time. Latent, if you will. But that sort of love couldn't last unless you got to know the person afterwards. Because if you don't, what is the love, really? Just a meaningless fancy, if you don't follow it. You have to know a person to really love them, through and through." Lily stared at me curiously. "Why do you ask?"
"No reason," I said through the lump in my throat. I'm afraid I sounded a bit strangled. "What say you all to an early night, then?"
Lily raised a delicate eyebrow at me. "Now who has secrets?"
"You keep yours, I'll keep mine," I said softly. "Some things shouldn't be said out loud." I shivered — something had coursed through me when I said that, something almost akin to…lightning? Power?
To avoid the stares of the others, I rolled onto my side and gazed into the heart of my candle. It burned light yellow flecked with orange, with an underbelly of the faintest blue…
Bursts of light…the yell of a young boy…a peal of harsh laughter…a shadowy room…a curved piece of crumbling stone…a whisper of grey twilight…
I blinked, and it was gone.
This was by far the most enigmatic of the three "visions" I'd had so far. The other two were pointless, indeed, but at least their images seemed connected – the first by pain and the second by joy. This one had no purpose, no underlying theme that resonated through the images. No matter, I still didn't like these occurrences, since I hated the supernatural. It was the fire that held me and bewitched me so, obviously, so I'd just have to avoid staring into fires, then. Bad for my eyes, anyway.
"Seiri? Are you listening?"
I smiled apologetically at Vicky. "I'm really sorry. I went a bit blank there for awhile, didn't I?"
"Yeah," Vicky said, looking at me curiously. "Thinking of Remus?"
It was Lily who rolled her eyes and said, "Oh, come on, let's blow out the candles and call it a night. Seiri, think about what we've said. Promise you'll consider asking Remus."
I sighed. "I'll think about it."
I would think about it, yes, but I knew I would never actually do it…
The mood the next morning at breakfast was decidedly cheerful and light-hearted. Save, of course, for me. I stared moodily at my plate of toast and bacon, as if it was the food's fault that I was in such a black mood.
"Why the long face, Seiri?" Sirius asked heartily. "It's Hogsmeade, for crying out loud! I'm sure you'll have a, ah, great deal of fun." Unaccountably, he winked at me. I stared up at him, nonplussed.
"No, really, though, why d'you look so grim?" James prodded keenly.
I shrugged in a decidedly sullen manner, I'm sorry to say. "Don't fancy being around the Slytherins without teachers, I suppose," I mumbled.
Sirius cracked his knuckles threateningly. "I'll bash their heads in, I will." He mimed a violent gesture that caused James and Peter to chortle with glee.
Remus was quiet. I glanced at him. He was, I noted, a bit pale. Deep shadows under his eyes bore evidence of not only a sleepless night, but a sleepless several nights.
Quietly, I nudged Sirius, who was sitting beside me. "Does Remus get any sleep at all?"
He grinned at me slyly, almost lustily. "Oh, concerned for him, are you?"
"Wouldn't you be a bit worried if your friend looked as though he's the living dead?" I shot back caustically. "Well, obviously, you don't, but I do."
The smile faded from Sirius's face, leaving him solemn and troubled, two emotions normally quite foreign to him. "No. No, I am worried. I've just learned…well…Remus can take care of himself."
"Can he now? Doesn't look like it, I must say."
"It…Seiri, it's a whole lot more complicated than you think," Sirius finished helplessly.
I folded my arms. "Try me."
Sirius blew out a breath and nearly cried with relief when the signal to line up for Hogsmeade came. "Not here," I heard him mutter as he hurried to Yvonne's side. "Not now."
I gazed around plaintively as my friends stood and paired off. Finally, it was only Remus and me left.
"Er, Remus?" I said carefully.
His eyes focused. "Hmm? Oh. Hogsmeade." He stared at the queue of people, his mouth drawn into a tight, sad line. "Shall we go, then?"
Feeling as if I should explain myself, I said, "Er, I was just going to tag along with Ella and Peter…"
Remus frowned at me slightly. "Well, I thought since everyone else paired off, the two of us could go off together on our ways…"
My eyes widened, and a blush mantled my cheeks. "Oh! Well, er, that would be nice…"
"You don't have to, you know," Remus added hastily. "If you'd, er, rather not."
"No, I do," I protested. I smiled at him. "Really, Remus. There's nothing I'd rather do."
For the first time that morning, he smiled. "Right, then, let's go."
He offered me his hand, and I accepted it, swallowing nervously as little prickles of happiness sped up and down my arm like quicksilver. Much to my consternation, however, he released it once we had reached the string of students lined up in front of a decidedly frightening-looking Filch, the custodian.
I commented on his scowling visage, and Remus sighed. "He is, to be sure, a grumpy man. But I can't help thinking…what does he have to make his life happy?…there must be reason for his grouchiness."
I bit my lower lip, abashed.
Remus, keen as he was, saw it and touched my shoulder. "No, don't feel bad. I'm sorry. Really, I'm not going to be very good company today, I'm afraid."
"Remus," I laughed, "I'd rather spend a day in your so-called 'bad' company than a day with everyone else together. You're just…I don't know. Easier to talk to. Quieter. Readier to listen." My face must have resembled nothing less than a magnificent strawberry. I'd said too much.
Or had I? His face was gratified and touched. "Really?"
I smiled. "Really."
We were crossing the lawn by then, Filch having sent us on our way. Remus stopped me. "Er, Seiri…well…would you — ?"
"Oy, you two!"
I closed my eyes briefly and imagined all the different ways I could kill the person who'd interrupted us. Nothing was painful enough.
Sirius bounced up to us, beaming, his arm firmly wound around poor Yvonne's waist. "Well met!" he called. "You enjoying yourselves yet?"
"Sirius, we haven't even reached Hogsmeade yet," Remus said tiredly, rubbing his eyes.
"Well, I'm having fun," Sirius said with another one of his winks, which I was really starting to hate. "Cheerio, ducklings, see you there!" And then he was gone.
Remus stared after him, face wry. "Sometimes I really…"
When he didn't continue, I said, "Remus?"
He shook his head. "Never mind. Let's walk."
"What were you going to say before Sirius happened?"
He shrugged. "It – wasn't important. Never mind."
I opened my mouth to argue, then shut it. I didn't want to push.
Any reservations we might have felt quickly fell away under the mutual influences of each other's natures. We were compatible, Remus and I — we could talk about anything and everything for the longest time. Knowing him for two and a half months had by now introduced me to the wryly humorous side that hid under his quiet exterior. Similarly, I myself waxed whimsical and outgoing in his presence.
Once within Hogsmeade itself, I gazed at my surroundings with wide eyes. The bustling little hamlet-type village was a flurry of activity from the residents and the students who were visiting.
"Where do you want to go first?"
I blinked. "Oh, I don't know…" I wavered uncertainly.
"Bit overwhelming, I know," Remus said sympathetically. "Let's start at Honeyduke's, shall we? That's always a treat."
I grinned at his subtle pun and followed him as he took my hand and led me up the street. We threaded our way through hordes of students and reached a small little shop filled to the brim with fellow Hogwarts students.
"Popular spot, this?" I said rhetorically as we squeezed through the door.
"Almost as popular as Madame Puddifoot's," Remus agreed mildly.
I choked on my own spit, and my breath suddenly exploded out of my body in a hacking cough when I could finally breathe again. Remus patted my back gingerly. "Er…are you all right?"
"I'm fine," I wheezed, cheeks pink. Why had the mention of Madame Puddifoot's nearly given me a heart attack? "I just need to…"
It was then that I caught sight of the shop.
Every wall and most of the ceiling was covered with confections.
"…Look at the candy," I finished faintly. "Oh, my…"
Remus chuckled at my reaction. "Go ahead, look around. I'll be right back, mean to buy some chocolate while I'm here…" He hurried off to one corner of the store, while I drifted to another side.
When we met up again, fifteen minutes later, I had a small bag bulging with candy, and he was in possession of several chocolate bars and looking quite pleased with himself.
"Where to now?" he asked once we were outside.
I held my bottom lip between my top two teeth for a moment, thinking. "Well…what about the Shrieking Shack?"
If I wasn't mistaken, Remus's face fell, but he nodded and put on an appearance of false brightness. "Oh, all right. It's…it's over at the other side of the village." Without a word, without extending his hand, he walked away, his body a picture of some melancholy emotion.
I frowned. Why did the mention of the Shrieking Shack evoke such a response from him?
Quickly, before he was out of sight, I hurried to catch up with him. Silently, we made our way to the Shack.
It was a dilapidated building, no more than a hut, really, with loose singles and boarded up windows. A winding path led up to it, a rutted dirt affair, and a spiked iron gate surrounded it at a distance, for the Shack itself was rather far away.
I shaded my eyes against the bleak, gray November sky and stared at it, wondering. "It's haunted," I said softly, almost to myself.
"So they say."
I glanced up at Remus. Other than an unnaturally tight jaw, nothing seemed amiss right away. Then, upon closer inspection, I noticed a muscle twitching in his cheek, the set line that was his mouth, the darkness in his eyes…
"Remus?" This side of him almost scared me — never before had I seen someone so utterly desolate.
He started to attention, and the expression passed, almost as if I'd imagined it. "Oh, I'm sorry…I was just thinking…"
"About what?" I prompted.
"About…about what's in there," he answered quickly, gazing at the Shack with a blank, impassive face.
I toyed with my hair. "I've heard it's ghosts. What do you think it is?"
There it was again, that faintly depressed mien. "A monster." He sighed deeply, heavily. "Something that no one should have to deal with."
"W-why?" I stammered.
Suddenly, it was Remus again, the same logical, calm face that I knew. "Well, think about it, really: this old, broken-down house off in the middle of nowhere that makes funny noises. It's obviously housing something that needs to be kept away from the villagers, and it's…violent, whatever it is."
I kept silent, not knowing what I should say to this.
Remus faced me, leaning against the iron fence. "Seiri, what do you think of…vampires?"
I raised an eyebrow. "You think it's a vampire in there?"
He shrugged. "Could be."
I blew out a breath. "As to what I think of them…I never really thought about it. But if you're asking whether I hate them because they're supposed to be evil, then no, I don't. It's like werewolves, isn't it? They don't choose to be what they are. Hell, if they had a choice, they'd probably choose a normal, mortal life. They can be evil just the way regular people can: it depends on the individual's mind, not on what they can't help but being. So, in short, I don't blame vampires and werewolves and all for being…well, different."
"What would you do if you met one?" Remus queried, his eyes still fixed on the Shack.
I shrugged. "Don't know. Guess I'd have to answer that if I ever did meet one, right? I mean…I have no idea right now what I'd do, because I've never been in that position. But…I have to admit something. I've never liked the supernatural. Right, I know, magic is really all supernatural," I added hastily when he opened his mouth to say something. "It's not so obvious, though. Regular magic, I mean, the wand stuff. Because…well, it's not really you that much, is it? Well, it is, but we'd be a lot more helpless if we didn't have wands. Somehow, that kind of magic justifies itself to me. You see? Once you get into Divination and other stuff, I-I don't really like it. Again, the – the supernatural beings can't help it, but I'd still be a bit iffy around them. Er…did that make any sense?"
Remus smiled. "It did, it really did. Have you seen enough of the Shack? Was it as scary as you heard it was?"
Despite his light tone, there was an undercurrent in the words of something I couldn't quite put a finger on. All I could do was grin back and say, "No, it's actually really not. It's not scary at all. Bit sad, even. Still, I wouldn't ever like to meet what's in there, whatever it is."
His lips parted to say something, but before he could, another voice interrupted.
"How extraordinary that we should meet here, Lupin."
It was Severus Snape.
Remus nodded briefly. "Hello, Severus."
The dark boy sneered. "No need for pleasantries, Lupin."
"I'd hardly call it pleasant, indeed, Severus," Remus replied mildly.
"I'm not here for you, Lupin, I'm here for the girl," Severus snarled, baring his sharp, yellowing teeth.
Several thoughts whizzed through my mind all at once, clicking into place as they did so: Remus was very twitchy around the Shack, no matter how much he tried to hide it. He knew something about it. I was quite well aware of the fact that, though he was kinder than the other Marauders, Snape and Remus weren't on the best of terms. Remus apparently thought it was a vampire that inhabited the Shack. Snape was dark and spooky, with sharp teeth. Could he be…? He was, I was nearly sure of it.
Now wasn't the time to be thinking about this, however.
I glared at Snape forbiddingly. "What do you want?"
He stepped forward menacingly. Remus shifted, ready to halt him, but Snape raised an eyebrow at him. "Oh, I wouldn't do that, if…" he trailed off silkily. Nevertheless, it stopped Remus in his tracks.
Fury boiled over, and I stepped up to Snape, glowering up into his face. "You toady!" I hissed angrily. "You're only doing this because of Walden! What, is he your boyfriend or — "
I didn't get a chance to finish, for Snape clapped a hand over my mouth, suffocating my words. "I'll pretend you didn't say that," he whispered, black eyes glittering malignantly.
"Severus, get away from her," Remus ordered, walked over to us.
Snape held up his hand. "I'm not finished, Lupin."
I wrenched out of his grip. "I am," I spat. "Get to the point or get out of here." Automatically, I moved to stand by Remus.
Snape saw this, and his lip curled. "Oh, isn't this sweet. What a picture you two make. Tell me, Lupin, what are you going to do when she finds — "
"SHUT UP!" I shouted, balling my hands into fists. Remus's face had gone deathly white. "Snape, you came here to talk to me, so talk, damn it!"
"Fine." Snape inspected his fingernails meticulously, sheets of greasy hair hanging into his face. "I'll make it short, since you're obviously so…intolerant. Walden simply wishes to relay the tasteful threat that you should – oh, how did he put it? – watch your back, because there could be some nasty surprises coming up behind you." His mouth twisted into a smirk, and with a swish of his black cloak, he left.
I stared at the ground, jaw clenched, shaking uncontrollably. "Stupid bastard," I whispered, not knowing whether I meant Snape or Walden.
Remus gently laid a hand on my shoulder so that his arm lay across my back. Through the fabric of my cloak, I could feel his hand quivering as well. "Seiri, that was fake. He just…just wanted to get to us. Let's not give him the satisfaction of succeeding. Come, let's go to the Three Broomsticks and have a butterbeer."
"I don't have any money," I said through numb lips as he guided me away from the Shack.
"I can pay."
"Remus, I — "
"Seiri, don't worry. I have extra money because I won a bet off of Sirius." He smiled a bit. "He's terrible at cards."
My face cleared minimally, thinking about Sirius of all people trying to play cards. "I'd imagine."
We walked in silent thought back to the village, Remus's arm now firmly back at his side. I felt cold without it.
The Three Broomsticks was your typical tavern, a dim, smoky room crowded with people and tended by a voluptuous barmaid named Madame Rosmerta. Remus paid for our butterbeers, collected the steaming, frothing mugs, and brought me to an unoccupied table. Then he took one mug, clinked it against mine, and said, "Cheers."
"For what?" I asked, hand poised on the handle of the flagon.
He swallowed and shrugged. "Dunno. For Hogsmeade? For standing up to Snape?"
I made a wry face. "I'll drink to that." I took a swig and gulped it down, not expecting its searing warmth.
"Seiri, thank you for spending the day with me," he said suddenly. "I really had a wonderful time today."
I blinked, panicking inside. Oh, no! What do I say? He's saying that just to be nice, just because he – he's Remus, but if I agree, he might get the wrong idea, which would actually be the right idea…oh, this is harder than I thought it would be…
Of course, I said the wrong thing. "Well, you know, everyone else was going off on their own ways, it just seemed natural…"
Which gave the impression that I was only with him because the others weren't there.
My lips parted, words of clarification hovering behind them, but they didn't have a chance to spill out.
"Remus!"
It was a distinctly feminine squeal, and suddenly, a nasty sinking feeling started up in the pit of my stomach. I instantly regretted the butterbeer.
The girl who had spoken smiled down at us toothily. I vaguely recognized her as Gwen, the Hufflepuff girl in our Auror classes. With her were two other Hufflepuffs who I didn't know in the slightest.
Remus smiled, polite. "Hello, Gwen. Er…having a good day?"
"Well, now it's good," she laughed, her eyes shining.
Oh, God. Oh, no. She fancied him.
Sadly, I compared my darker auburn tresses to her bob of fuzzy flaxen curls; my inscrutable blue eyes to her spirited caramel ones; my round, pale face to her oval, rosy face…The list went on. The total only came out one way, no matter how much I tried to change the math: she was far prettier than I, and a genuinely nice human being besides. Remus would obviously prefer her to me.
"You're in our classes, aren't you? Seiri, is it?"
I came to and smiled tentatively. "Yes."
"Walden Macnair's sister?"
My smile froze. "Yes."
"Mind if I sit down?" This was directed to Remus, who of course nodded amiably. "Of course."
Gwen seated herself and proceeded to chat with Remus for more than half an hour, occasionally tossing a comment my way. Remus either didn't see or chose to ignore my pleading looks. I wanted her away from us.
By the time she sweetly bade us farewell, it was time for us to return to Hogwarts. I stood rigidly, stiff from sitting in the booth for so long.
Side by side, we wended our way through the crowds into the chill November air. "So," Remus said, "what did you think?"
I screwed up my face. "What did I think of what?" I asked stupidly.
He kept his eyes trained on the ground. "Of Gwen."
A dull roar swelled in my ears, drowning out everything else. Breathing came hard. "Do you…fancy her?"
Remus quirked his mouth noncommittally. "A bit, I suppose. I trust your opinion, though, Seiri. What do you think of her?"
My vision blurred and fogged, as if I was staring out a window on a rainy day. The scenery whirled around dizzily under my feet, and my knees shook with the strain of keeping me standing. My throat tightened painfully.
"Seiri?"
I took a moment to compose myself. "She's…really great, Remus. Really great."
With those words, I heard all my castles in the air come tumbling down around my ears in a thunderous cacophony of failure.
Man, it takes a silly girl
To lie about the dreams she has;
But lord, it takes a lonely one to wish
That she had never dreamt at all…
~*~
"How was your day?" Ella asked brightly that night in the dormitory.
I shrugged uncomfortably. "It was fine."
Vicky winked. "Just 'fine'? Come now…"
Lily, who'd been suspiciously quiet up until now, came in with, "I don't know about you, but I'm exhausted. How about we just go to sleep?" Her compassionate green eyes bore into mine until I dropped my gaze.
Vicky and Ella exchanged stupefied looks, but extinguished their candles. Soon the room was silent.
But I couldn't sleep, not with what I was feeling burning inside. For hours, I tossed and turned, trying to rationalize everything.
It's fine, I told myself. He can love whoever he wants. I have no claims to him.
This didn't explain why my pillow was wet with tears the next morning.
The worst is just around the bend,
And does he notice my feelings for him?
And will he see how much he means to me?
I think it's not to be…