Chapter Twenty-Two: One of the Good Guys
He was waiting for her when she arrived outside of his office, and although his ability to know not only that she was coming but why she was coming should not have surprised her, Lily did feel a little unnerved by the significant expression in Dumbledore’s eyes.
“Please, have a seat,” Dumbledore said politely, gesturing towards the chair opposite his desk.
Lily sank into it wearily, feeling drained from the events of the past several days. The trial had taken most of her strength and energy, but it was the conversation with Narcissa that had left her feeling so emotionally spent. As usual, the blonde witch had managed to get under her skin for reasons Lily couldn’t quite comprehend, and she felt the echoes of vague regrets left behind.
If only things had been different…
The object felt heavy in her arms. It was wrapped in cloth “ she had no idea why it was so important, but if Voldemort wanted it back so desperately, it could be dangerous, and she was not foolish enough to touch it with her bare hands “ and was resting in her lap.
Dumbledore looked at it, his expression thoughtful.
“Do you know what it is?” Lily asked tentatively. Of course, he couldn’t know what it was, he hadn’t seen it yet. But she was really asking if he knew why it was important, and she couldn’t shake the feeling that he knew a lot more than he was saying.
She wasn’t the only one who had kept secrets, and she had gotten fairly good at determining if other people were lying to her. She could see it in their eyes “ the reflection of all the conflicting emotions she had felt for seven years.
She just wanted this all to be over, and wasn’t that ironic, given that it was only now truly beginning?
“I have my suspicions,” Dumbledore replied, extending one hand. “May I?”
She handed it to him.
“Where was it?” Dumbledore asked.
“I had it,” Lily replied, the ready-made lie falling easily from her lips. “Remus gave it to me. I knew it was why he had been killed and I… I wasn’t sure who I could trust. That’s why I never told you or James that I had it.”
Dumbledore looked up at her, his blue eyes scrutinizing her expression. She met his gaze, refusing to back down, refusing to flinch. She had made a promise, and she was not going to break it. She was not going to take the chance that Voldemort could discover who had really found the object in question.
Narcissa’s life depended on it.
But Dumbledore gave a faint half-smile and said, “It is always reassuring to see that some aspects of a friendship may remain, despite all obstacles. It gives us hope that there are things worth protecting in this world.”
And Lily knew he wasn’t referring to her friendship with Remus.
But he said nothing more on the subject. Instead, he placed the unopened object on his desk and asked seriously, “Have you considered what you plan to do now?”
Lily shrugged. “Live my life as best I can,” she answered.
“And what of the war?” Dumbledore asked. “Because it is coming, and it is coming soon.”
Lily nodded and averted her gaze quickly. “I want to… to help,” she said slowly, thinking of James. Of his determined statement that war changed everything.
“You are reluctant,” Dumbledore said bluntly.
She shrugged again. “Maybe. I don’t like war. I don’t like intrigue or fighting or… or any of this.” She had spent the last seven years of her life fighting just to stay alive, stay afloat. It had been a different kind of battle with very different stakes, but the enemy had been the same.
It was Voldemort. It all came back to Voldemort.
“Nobody even knows about him,” Lily said softly. “No one even knows who he is. How can someone cause so much trouble, so much pain, without even…” She trailed off and chewed her lip.
“Voldemort’s power lies in his ability to spread discord,” Dumbledore answered gently. “Our strength lies in our ability to form connections. There are good people involved in this fight, Lily. There are people who understand that these are things worth fighting for.”
“Worth dying for,” Lily countered, thinking of Remus with a heavy heart.
“Yes,” Dumbledore agreed.
“Will we ever find out who killed him?” Lily questioned.
Dumbledore leaned forward and said firmly, “Voldemort killed him, Lily. Not directly, of course, but he is ultimately responsible for this. For all of it.”
Lily nodded. “I want to help,” she said again, this time feeling more determination and resolve in her words. “I want to help stop him.”
She didn’t want to fight. She didn’t want to get embroiled in another struggle that would slowly and steadily take away everything she cared about. She had already lost too much, and she wasn’t sure she could survive losing much more. But she wanted to help.
“James didn’t remember me,” Lily said. “He didn’t remember that we’d met at Hogwarts. And it’s funny, because… my first interaction with him was because of Narcissa.”
Dumbledore raised his eyebrows but said nothing, waiting for her to continue.
“This was long before Narcissa and I were friends. James and Sirius Black were picking on Sirius’ younger brother Regulus. They didn’t have a reason for it, just… just for fun. And Narcissa… she came out and defended him. It was just her against James and Sirius, and they were older than her, but she hexed them anyway. James was a bully then… and so was Sirius. But Narcissa…”
She stopped, unsure exactly what she was trying to say. Narcissa had been different then. She had been someone that Lily could actually like, someone who Lily even appreciated. That was a version of Narcissa she had not seen in years.
Until that brief moment when Narcissa had pressed the object into Lily’s hands and told her to take it to Dumbledore and to stop Voldemort.
James had changed, too, that much was obvious. She hadn’t interacted with him enough at Hogwarts to know if perhaps he had grown up while still at school, but those first few years…
He had been a bully.
But now James was fighting this battle, one that he only even knew about because of her. He was fighting a war that he didn’t really even need to fight. Even if the entire society was turned on its head, he was still a wealthy pureblood from a prestigious family, and his life wouldn’t be much changed. He was doing this, risking everything, solely so that he could protect Muggles and Muggleborns…
Because he was one of the good guys.
She respected James for the man he was now, just like she respected Narcissa for the girl she had been then.
“I want to help,” she said again, and meant it.
Dumbledore smiled. “Good. I’m glad to hear it. The Order of the Phoenix will be lucky to have your help.” Then he paused and answered, “But I don’t mean to pressure you. There are many other ways you can help as well, and joining the Order will be dangerous.”
There was a long silence as Lily looked around the room, taking in the objects on the shelves, the books scattered over the desk, the phoenix perched on the stand near the door. It felt odd, being here, being in this room, being treated like an equal by the greatest wizard in the world.
She looked down at the cloth-wrapped object on his desk. “Why is that important?” she asked again.
Dumbledore sighed heavily and carefully unwrapped the object. “Voldemort isn’t rushing into anything. He’s planning and plotting… he doesn’t mind allowing years to pass in order to make sure everything works out the way he wants it to. Time means nothing to him… and this tells us why.”
“As each of you know by now,” Dumbledore began gravely, addressing the four people before him, “a Dark wizard by the name of Lord Voldemort has been threatening the very fabric of our society. Several years ago, I founded an organization called the Order of the Phoenix. While the Order has not been active for these past seven years, times have now changed, and I believe we must prepare ourselves for war.”
James was nodding seriously, and Marlene looked intrigued. Frank’s expression was dark, and Dumbledore had a suspicion that he was thinking of Alice.
It was Sirius Black, however, who concerned him the most. He did not doubt Sirius’ dedication to eradicating the threat posed by Voldemort, but the young wizard was leaning forward, his eyes willed with anticipation and excitement. Dumbledore could not help but worry that his recklessness might lead him into some danger.
But Sirius was also the most promising candidate to join the Order because, unlike the others, he understood how Dark wizards and pureblood supremacists thought. He’d grown up with them, after all.
And that thought made Dumbledore wonder if James had confided in Sirius about his suspicions regarding Regulus Black.
“I would like to ask you,” he continued seriously, “to join the Order. However,” and here he held up hand to stop them from answering immediately, “I want you to think about it until tomorrow. This is not a decision to be made lightly. You will face danger and darkness unlike anything you have seen before.”
Sirius snorted.
“I assure you,” Dumbledore continued, “that Voldemort is more than just another Dark wizard.”
“Um… sir… Albus…” James asked tentatively, “why isn’t Lily here?”
“I spoke to Miss Evans this morning,” Dumbledore answered. “I have already requested that she join the Order.”
James relaxed slightly at that, and Sirius rolled his eyes. Even Marlene was hiding back a small smile at James’ reaction to the answer.
“There is still so much we don’t know,” Frank said after a pause. “About Remus, about what really happened… We don’t know who killed him.”
“Lord Voldemort killed him. In every way that actually matters, it was him,” Dumbledore answered flatly. “And he is the one we must stop.”
“I’m ready to join,” Sirius said. “I don’t need a day to think over my answer. I want to fight. I’m ready.”
Dumbledore removed his half-moon spectacles and placed them on his desk. The problem with being over a century old is that he had taught almost everyone in the Order. They were all his students, and he still thought of them as such. Even the ones who were much older, even Alastor Moody or Minerva McGonagall…
It was hard to look at them and see the men and women they had grown into. It was easier to see the children they had been, and to know that he was sending children into war…
“I still ask that you take time to think over your answer,” he said finally. “Even if your answer doesn’t change, I want you to think about it. To really think it through.”
“Yes, sir,” Marlene said softly.
“What about the object, sir? Uh… I mean, Albus. What about whatever Lupin had stolen?” James asked.
“Ah… yes.” Dumbledore rose to his feet and walked over to the cabinet on the far wall. He pulled it open and removed a bundle of cloth. Holding it carefully in his hands, he walked back to his desk.
The other four were all leaning forward anxiously, waiting with abated breath.
“We may never know the exact details of how this came to be in Mr. Lupin’s possession,” Dumbledore said, placing the bundle on the desk. “If I may venture a guess, I would say that Voldemort entrusted it to one of his followers without telling them what it was. They did not know how very valuable it was to their Lord, or they would have taken much better precautions.”
“And Lupin found it somehow?” Sirius demanded. “But… how? And how did you get it?”
“It was given to me very recently,” Dumbledore answered, “and I unfortunately can’t tell you any more than that. Let us just say that too many lives are at stake… but it was given to me by someone whom I trust implicitly.”
James nodded, Frank frowned, Marlene eyed the book thoughtfully, and Sirius looked as though he wanted to protest the secrets.
Then James asked, “And how did Lupin get it?”
“Again, this is all supposition. Voldemort had some of his followers recruiting werewolves. I had warned Mr. Lupin to be alert for any of these people. Perhaps he stumbled across them at one point, or perhaps he found himself in the presence of Voldemort himself. Either way, I think it was entirely by accident that Mr. Lupin acquired this.”
He pulled out his wand and waved it at the object. The clothing slowly unfolded itself, revealing an ordinary looking book.
“I think he probably didn’t even know what he had found,” Dumbledore continued, waving his wand again and causing the book to open, revealing its pages. They were blank. “But he figured out very quickly that Voldemort wanted it back, and knowing that meant it was important, he took it and fled.”
“And he was followed and killed for that?” Marlene asked skeptically, shaking her head. “It’s just a book. A blank book.”
“It isn’t just a book,” Dumbledore corrected. “It’s a diary. A diary that once belonged to a boy “ a brilliant and talented Hogwarts student “ by the name of Tom Riddle.”
“Are you going to join the Order?” James asked as Lily settled herself into the seat opposite him. It was the first time they had spoken without having to worry about the trial. It was the first time he had seen her outside of the Ministry.
It was the first time she had been in his home.
He felt awkward about inviting her over, but she had responded immediately to the request, assuring him that she did want to see him again.
Which was a relief to hear, given that he had kissed her just the day before.
“I think so,” Lily answered. “When I spoke to Dumbledore… I want to stop Voldemort.”
James nodded in agreement. It was hard to think of the right words to say. He wasn’t sure how to start a conversation “ wasn’t really sure if this was a date or just two friends spending time together “ and so he found himself falling back onto the subjects he knew would interest her.
“Did Dumbledore tell you about Lupin… uh, Remus… about what he found?”
“The diary?” Lily asked. She had flushed slightly, and looked embarrassed, and James felt a sudden suspicion that she knew a lot more than he did about this. But she just said, “Yes, he told me all his theories. I wish…” She paused, drew a breath. “It’s hard to resign myself to the thought that I may never know who killed Remus.”
James reached out and took her hand in his, gave her fingers a gentle squeeze. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I wish we could… I know I promised I would help you get justice for him. I’m sorry there isn’t more I can do.”
Lily smiled gratefully in reply. “I know. I… thank you. You’ve already done more than enough, James.” Then she closed her eyes and took a shaky breath. “Dumbledore kept reminding me that it was really Voldemort who was to blame. All Voldemort. But it’s not… it’s not the same thing. Even if Voldemort was behind it all… he wasn’t the one who stabbed Remus. He wasn’t the one who physically killed him. And I wanted to know…”
“You wanted justice for Remus,” James said. “And we can get that. Stopping Voldemort is justice. It might not feel like enough, and it might never answer your questions, but… it is a kind of justice.”
She looked so forlorn at that reply, and James wished silently that there was more he could say. He wanted, just once, just for a moment, to be able to tell her that life could be fair and they could get all the answers they wanted and the justice they needed.
He thought about the diary. “How much did you know?” he asked, and she didn’t pretend to misunderstand.
“More than you did,” she answered.
James sighed. “Yeah, I know that.”
“Have you told Sirius about his brother?” she questioned.
James shook his head. “Not yet. Tomorrow, after we go back and tell Dumbledore that we’re going to join the Order…I’ll tell him then.”
“Why are you so reluctant to tell him?” Lily asked. “It’s his brother. He has a right to know.”
James hesitated. How could he explain to Lily that he was afraid Sirius would do something stupid and get himself killed? Just because Regulus was questioning his loyalties to Voldemort didn’t mean he was going to change sides. If he truly wanted to renounce his ties to Voldemort, why hadn’t he gone to Dumbledore? Why had he been so secretive about everything?
What would happen if Sirius found out that Regulus was questioning his loyalties and tried to talk to him, only to have Regulus turn on him? Whatever Sirius might say about his lack of feelings for any member of his family, he did care about his brother. He did want to protect him.
It would destroy him to come so close to saving him, only to lose him again.
“You said we’d figure something out together,” he replied at last. “We’d figure out how to tell him.”
“And we will,” Lily answered. “But you have to tell me what specifically you are afraid of, or I can’t really help you figure out how to avoid it. And you don’t want to keep this to yourself forever. It will destroy you.”
She had an odd expression in her eyes, and she wasn’t looking at him anymore. He wondered if she was even still talking to him, or if this was a conversation she was having with herself.
“Secrets,” James agreed. “Always a problem.”
Lily laughed. “Yes.”
James thought idly that it was nice to hear her laugh without any fear in her voice.
Then she sobered and said, “James… I think we need to talk. I… there are things I need to tell you.”
James’ eyes widened in surprise. He could see the hesitation in her face and knew exactly what the subject would be. “The diary,” he said. “The missing seven minutes. What really happened with Malfoy.” She nodded, and he found somehow that it didn’t matter anymore. He knew that there was so much he still didn’t understand, but he understood enough.
And he trusted her.
Whatever her reasons for keeping quiet were now, they were no longer what they used to be. He knew it wasn’t that she didn’t trust him. All her lies in the beginning had revolved around that, around her own initial dislike and distrust. But now she was lying to protect other people, and he understood that.
He’d just spend quite a bit of time lying to his best mate, after all. How could he blame her for keeping secrets to protect other people when he had been doing exactly the same thing with Sirius?
“You don’t need to tell me,” he said. “Whatever it is, I don’t need to know. I trust you.”
“I know,” Lily agreed with a tentative smile. “But I… I want you to know. I really like you, James, and I want… I want to tell you the truth. About me, about Narcissa and Lucius Malfoy, about the diary… the whole truth. You should know. You deserve to know.”
James blinked several times. He wasn’t really listening. He had stopped listening at the point when she had said she really liked him.
“I really like you, too,” James offered after a moment.
Lily grinned. “I know,” she replied. “Otherwise you wouldn’t have kissed me yesterday.”
“How do you know I don’t kiss all of my clients at the end of a successful trial?” James retorted pointedly.
Lily raised her eyebrows. “That was quite a kiss. I’m not sure all of your clients would appreciate it.”
James chuckled. “Probably not,” he agreed. Then he thought back to what they had been talking about before the momentary detour in topics, and asked, “Why do I deserve to know? Is it just because I am a good kisser?”
“I never said you were a good kisser,” Lily retorted. “I just said it was quite a kiss. Maybe it was bad. Maybe you’re really lousy at snogging and I was just commenting on that.”
“I’m not a bad kisser,” James said firmly.
Lily smirked. “Well, it’s good to know you haven’t lost all of your arrogance.” They were quiet for a moment, and then Lily said in a serious tone, “You risked so much, fighting Lestrange. You fought him, and Bones, and… and even Voldemort. And I know it started out as part of your own agenda, part of your own personal grudge against Lestrange, but… it changed. You changed. You did all of this because… because it was the right thing to do.”
James shrugged. “It was the right thing to do.”
“That’s why you deserve to know,” Lily said, moving closer to him, leaning forward until they were just centimeters apart, close enough that James could count the freckles on her skin and each individual eyelash.
He swallowed nervously and realized that his heart-rate had just sky-rocketed.
Lily kissed him softly, gently, and whispered, “Don’t you see, James? It’s because you’re one of the good guys.”
Fool Me Twice by Dawnie
Chapter Endnotes: And we're done, finally. It felt very odd (and a little sad) to change the status to "complete."
I'm working on a story for another fandom at the moment, but will be back to HP soon. I've been planning another Lily/James story, tentatively entitled While You Tell Me Stories. So keep your eyes out for the first chapter to be posted hopefully some time in September.