She didn’t know how long it had been when her gut-wrenching sobs finally ceased. She didn’t know it was possible to feel this much pain. She’d never felt so alone and helpless in her entire life. She was still trembling when Remus spoke her name, a soft whisper behind her.
“Lily?” The pain was evident in his voice as he spoke. He had lost his best friend just as she has lost her partner, her soul mate, her other half.
She didn’t move. She remained where she was, laying protectively over his body, her head resting gently upon his unmoving chest, her right hand cradling his head. Her pale face was streaked with tears, and her muscles were stiff and sore after sustaining hours of sobbing followed by hours of lying in the same position. She heard footsteps come closer, followed by a gentle hand cupping her face to look at its beholder. Remus’ hand was wet as if he had just been wiping away tears. Her ragged breath caught in her throat at the thought. Remus could be feeling just as broken as she did in that moment. She tore her face away from James’ unmoving form to gaze at her friend. She saw understanding deep in his amber eyes.
Remus pulled Lily to his chest as the two of them sat upon the floor, numb with pain and loss, clinging to each other as if their sanity depended on it. The tears came once again, Lily burying her face deep in Remus’ shirt. The tremors returned and she felt herself spiraling toward hysteria once again. There was no need to hide the extent of her pain from Remus. She knew he would never even think of judging her on it.
“I-I’m so sorry, Remus.. I tried.. I tried to save him. I tried to save J-James.”
They were the first coherent words she’d spoken the entire evening. Her unintelligible apologies to James’ lifeless form didn’t count.
“Shhh.. Lily. There’s no need to apologize. It’s not your fault.”
“No.. no! It is my fault... it’s all my fault. I tried to save him.. but I couldn’t. Lord Vol.. h-he was too strong. He killed James... a-and those red.. those red eyes... I’ll never forget them. I’ll never forget J-James’ eyes as he fell to the floor. Never.” The agony in her voice was unmistakeable.
Lily shook like a leaf in a hurricane. Her fragile frame was folded against Remus as if there was no other way to survive. With the horror of the death she had just experienced, her instincts took over to cling to the only living person in the room. She thanked the heavens that Remus had always been so stoic; if he hadn’t been able to hold it together, she didn’t think she would still be a functioning human being. Even now, as Lily shook violently and tears still steadily poured from her eyes in silent rivers, he held her tightly, murmuring comforts. Someone had to be the rational one.
As her energy began to dwindle, her tears became more manageable and her breathing became more even. She pulled away from Remus for a moment to look into his face.
Just as she’d been about to say something, the front door burst open, and Lily couldn’t help but scream. Her scream pierced the silence; the last time that door had burst open her world had been violently torn in two. A very different person than the man with red eyes burst through the door this time, though.
“James? James! Lily!” The man’s voice was hoarse as if he’d been yelling for minutes on end.
“You!” Lily felt Remus leap to his feet beside her. Before the man who had entered even had a moment to react, Remus was slamming his fist into his face. “How dare you show your face here! You have the audacity to show up here after what you’ve done?”
“Done? What have I done, Remus?” He barely got the words out before Remus’ fist connected with his mouth again, and his lip split, blood spattering the scene.
“Don’t try to hide behind false grief, Black!” Remus’ voice was laced with venom, and he raised his fist again to strike the man again, even though the man was doing nothing to defend himself.
“Remus... Remus!” Lily lunged to her feet, her strength waning, but determined to stop this senseless beating. “Remus, stop! What are you doing? What has he done?”
Remus turned to her, pain glinting in his eyes, those eyes that had been so calm and collected minutes before, now held oceans of sorrow. “Don’t you get it, Lily? It’s his fault James is dead! Sirius was Secret-Keeper! He must have let something slip!” Desperation urged him onward. “He let something slip, or-or he knowingly passed information to the Dark Lord, either way, he revealed your location, a-and that’s why... th-that’s how... he.. that’s.....” Remus stumbled on the words as his eyes fell on the figure on the floor.
Lily didn’t look at Remus as she spoke the name of the one who had betrayed them all, but most cruelly the man lying still on the ground. “It was Peter. Peter was Secret-Keeper.”
“I...Sirius, I’m sorry.” Remus’ voice was impregnated with shame, shame that he could have suspected his closest friend of a betrayal of that scale. Remus received no response; his friend had just found the earth-shattering horror that commanded the attention of all in the room.
“James?” Sirius’ voice was only a whisper now. He had caught sight of the lifeless form crumpled on the floor for the first time. “Lily?” It was a forlorn sound, laced with fierce denial as well. “Lily, why is he....?” His voice caught, and suddenly he lunged forward toward James’ body but fell weakly to the ground, grief taking hold.
“No.....No...NOOOO!” The man howled on the floor, the sound leaving his lips eerily animal-like. He beat his fists on the floor as if willing his excess of life to flow through the ground to his best friend. He gazed for a moment at the imitation of his friend cruelly mocking him before curling toward the floor once more, losing himself in his grief.
Sirius pulled himself off the floor, gazing in the direction of the woman with the flaming hair. Her emerald eyes, which had once held such vibrancy, were wet with tears, but more disturbing, were vacant of life.
Lily stared back at him, the tears streaking down his boyish face breaking her heart in two once again. He was too young to have lost his best friend. She was too young to have lost the love of her life. They were all too young for this. Hell, they were hardly out of their teens.
“Oh, Sirius...” Lily stood up and moved to Sirius, where he still sat curled up beside James’ body. She lowered herself to the ground, and took her friend’s hand in hers. Looking into those grey eyes, and watching the tears still staining his pale cheeks, the horror and hopelessness set in again and Lily began to cry once more.
“Shh, Lily...” Sirius pulled her close, just as Remus had when he’d found her there. “I’m so sorry, Sirius. I’m s-so sorry.” Her tiny voice barely reached his ears, but he felt the aching behind it as if she’d screamed it.
“What do I do now?” she asked aloud, helplessness clear in her eyes as she looked up at Sirius. “What do we all do now?” She allowed herself a quick glance at James’ pale face, but tore her face away soon enough. Even momentary glances were enough to call forth the overwhelming waves of grief.
“I don’t know.” Sirius’ answer came after a long pause. “I don’t know, Lily.” He closed his eyes tight, and when he opened them again, there was a glimmer of panic behind the forced calm. “I’m sorry.” His apology was directed at both her and Remus. “I need to get away from here for a minute.” He got shakily to his feet, and strode quickly up the stairs, out of sight.
“I don’t understand, Remus,” Lily said after a minute. “I thought I would be able to handle this, losing James. We all did. After all, this is what we expected when we decided to join the fight. I mean, how could we expect all of us to safely make it through the war. We all said that the greater good was worth the risk of losing one of us. I guess I never really thought it through. I just don’t understand. If James’ death vanquished Voldemort, and all this really was for the greater good, then why do I feel so empty inside? Why do I feel no sense of victory?”
“Victory can be impossible to find when overshadowed by the immensity of death, Lily.” Remus’ voice was tired. After all, this was the longest night of any of their lives. “You loved James with everything you had, and that’s saying something, considering all the love you had to give in that huge heart of yours.”
“But.... if the greater good was what I was after all along, how can I feel this immense burden of loss? Is it selfish of me, Remus, to lose myself in grief rather than rejoice for all the others?”
“No, Lily. No one can judge you for mourning.” His voice was stern as he moved to her side and cupped her face to lift her gaze to his. “No one.”
Lily had never considered herself a weak person by any measure, but the emotional toll of the night’s events had her crying again. “I just don’t see how I’m ever going to get past this. It’s just not fair.” She let out a gasp just then. “What am I saying! It’s not fair to James. He had a life to live, Remus! He had so much ahead of him!”
“Why wasn’t it me? Why couldn’t it have been me, Remus?” Lily’s voice quivered. “God, he loved his little boy so much; he loved Harry so much, Remus. He loved that little boy more than anything in the world.”
“You’re wrong.” The voice came from the stairs. Both Lily and Remus turned to look. Sirius stood at the top of the stairs, holding a bundle in his arms. “James loved you just as much as he loved his little boy. Speaking of his little boy, speaking of your little boy, he needs his mother. Harry needs you, Lily.”
Lily stood up and crossed the room as Sirius descended the stairs. The moment that Lily took Harry from Sirius’ arms and gazed into his tiny, tear-streaked face, her heart swelled with love. With a love that overpowered any shadow of death.
“Harry.”
Lily spoke his name as if it were the most joyful thing she could think of to say. She brushed that untidy black hair that she knew so well out of his face, and Harry’s eyes fluttered open. She wiped the remnants of tears from his cheeks; the poor child must have cried himself to sleep. Lily thanked the heavens the man with the red eyes never made it as far as Harry.
“Harry James Potter.” Lily spoke each part of his name slowly as she kissed his forehead. “I promise to never leave you, and to always let you know how much I love you. Just promise me you’ll be a daily reminder of your father, so that he’ll never be forgotten by either of us.” As if on cue, little Harry giggled and revealed a crooked smile much like the one James had been so fond of.
Lily turned to Sirius and Remus, who had gathered beside her. They were both entranced by the little boy who so clearly mirrored their friend. “I can’t do this on my own. I’m going to need help. Are you two willing to be around and -- ”
“Yes.”
Lily looked around at the two men and little boy that were her life now. She knew the future that lay before her would not be easy or pain-free by any means, but she had finally found her way home.
The Last Enemy That Shall Be Defeated Is Death by simply_enamored
Story Notes:
Okay, so I know it says completed because that's where I originally meant it to go, but if you want, feel free to leave me a review and let me know what you think, and/or if you think I should go further with this. I'd love the feedback. Thanks, all.