The hardest thing for Lily that October night, aside from placing a sheet over James’ body, was to relinquish Harry to his crib. She had spent the last hour sitting on the floor beside James’ still form, holding his hand as if to ease his passing on. As if to provide some sort of reassurance to his soul that she would never forget him, and that she would see him again soon. She had allowed herself to gaze at his face, memorizing every curve, every line, every hair, tears leaving trails on her cheeks. She had remained there, holding little Harry tight in her arms until he fell asleep, his fragile head resting in the crook of her neck. She rose shakily to her feet, using Sirius for support. She then proceeded to walk past the debris that littered the floor, a physical reminder of the rebounding curse that had quite literally blown her life to bits.
“You okay, Lily?” Sirius asked when she reached the foot of the stairs.
Lily nodded silently. Of course she wasn’t okay, relative to the big picture, but in the present moment, physically at least, she was okay. Albeit exhausted.
“Do you have any spare blankets?”
Lily paused to turn and face Sirius. “What for?”
“Remus and I were talking, and we both think it would be best if we spent the night, at least for the first few nights. We said we would be here to help you, and just being here physically is the first part.”
Lily opened her mouth to protest. She was fine; she didn’t need them to stay.
“Lily.” It was Remus who spoke this time. “Please don’t try to protest. Tomorrow, we’re going to bury James. Tomorrow is going to be brutal, but tonight isn’t going to be any easier. Please let us stay.”
“Besides,” came Sirius’ quiet voice as he crossed the room to stand beside Lily. “We weren’t able to be there for James when he most needed us. At least let us be here for you.”
Lily nodded weakly. “Okay.”
Sirius leaned forward to kiss Lily on the forehead, the way a brother would kiss his little sister. “You’re the strongest woman I know. You’ll make it through this. We’ll all get through this.”
Despite the brave face that Sirius wore and the reassurances he offered her, Lily knew that he was still reeling with feelings of helplessness. They all were. It was only natural. She spared him the speech she would have normally thrown his way: Let’s be real, Sirius. None of us is ever going to be the same. She knew it was right to let him hold on to that hope of a completely healed life, though at best all he’d get was a sloppy patch thrown on to cover up the gaping hole.
“The blankets are in the cupboard next to the bookshelf,” she told Sirius, before turning and heading up the stairs. She walked to the end of the hallway to Harry’s room. She and James had purposely picked this room, farthest from the front door and directly next to the master bedroom, once they’d been informed of the Dark Lord’s interest in eliminating their infant son. In the end, the decision had been an effective one. When the Dark Lord had burst through the front door, he’d been stopped by James before he could ascend the stairs to locate Harry.
Lily entered the dark room; it was a welcome sanctuary from the death and destruction that lay downstairs. She placed Harry in his crib, though it felt wrong to do so. She couldn’t very well sleep if she was holding Harry, though, and so she left her young child and crossed the room to the bed that she and James had installed if they had ever wanted to spend the night with Harry. She collapsed upon it, fully clothed, and the utter exhaustion of the previous hours overtook her, and she sank into a fitful sleep.
-------------------------------------------
She walked into the room to see James dozing on the couch by the living room window. She smiled to herself. He always looked so peaceful when he was sleeping, so innocent. Gone was the furrow in his brow when he worried, or the hard set of his mouth when he was determined. Lily didn’t blame him for sleeping, though it was merely 10:30 in the evening. After all, last night had been his night to tend to Harry when the little boy woke crying.
Lily picked a book off the bookshelf, one she’d already read many times before, but always enjoyed nonetheless. She gathered a blanket from the cupboard beside the bookcase, and settled into the armchair by the fireplace. She pulled the blanket around her and opened to the first page of Pride and Prejudice.
This Muggle novel had become one of her favorites ever since she had married James. She had always thought that she and James were so like Mr. Darcy and Lizzy. James, who had been so prideful in his youth, and she, who had always been so prejudiced against him, had ended up together in the end. Such opposite people, but such a complete and perfect union. She was glad Jane Austen had come to the same conclusion.
“Lily....?” The redhead looked up from her book to see James rubbing the sleep from his eyes. “How long have I been out?”
She chuckled. “Oh, about an hour. And it’s only 10:30.”
James gaped. “You mean to tell me I fell asleep at 9:30?” He rubbed a hand absentmindedly through his hair. “Oh, man... I’m losing my touch. At this rate, I won’t be any fun anymore by the time Harry turns three.”
Lily laughed, then twisted her mouth into a smirk. “I think I can help you with that, Mr. Potter.” She got to her feet and deposited the book and blanket on the armchair before making her way over to the couch where James lay. She curled up next to him before kissing him sweetly, tenderly, on his lips. He responded with enthusiasm, smiling through the kisses he delivered to Lily’s lips, cheeks, nose, forehead.
“I take back my previous statement, Mrs. Potter.” James whispered in her ear.
Lily laughed again, gave James one more firm kiss, then pulled him off the couch and to his feet. “Come on. I know how we can have more fun.”
She jogged over to the record player and put on a fast, lively song that she and James had danced to at their wedding. James’ face lit up as he recognized the tune. He crossed the room and grabbed Lily by the waist and twirled her to the center of the room. Around and around they went, Lily laughing and James planting kisses on her nose every so often. Eventually, the music slowed enough for Lily to rest her head on James’ shoulder.
“I love you so much.” Lily whispered as she gently kissed James’ neck.
“I couldn’t love you any more than I do right now.” James tilted Lily’s face up to his as he said this. “You’re my everything.”
There were a few moments of silence before the scene shattered.
A blaring sound filled the room that James and Lily both recognized as the intruder charm alerting them to someone’s presence outside. Lily froze and James’ brow furrowed with worry as he ran to the window. Before all the color had even drained from James’ face, he turned and yelled at Lily, fierce protection raging in his hazel eyes.
“Lily, take Harry and go! It’s him! Go! Run! I’ll hold him off!”
Lily ran for the stairs, her maternal instincts raging. Just as she reached the foot of the stairs, the front door burst open and the intruder entered. The man turned to face Lily, and Lily screamed at the blazing red eyes and the face more creature than human. James put himself between her and the man with the red eyes in an instant, but that was when Lily realized something truly horrendous.
Clear across the room, on the stand beside the couch, lay James’ wand. Her husband, the absolute love of her life, the person she cared most about in the world, was between her and the man with red eyes, and he was defenseless.
“James, your wand!” Lily wasn’t even sure why she was sharing the information. It only added to the hopelessness of their situation. James didn’t budge, though; he remained firmly where he was, between the intruder and his wife, and his infant son.
“You have no chance.” The high voice laughed in an inhuman tone, chilling Lily to the bone. “Stand down, Potter, and I’ll spare your life. And your wife’s. Step aside.”
James shook his head rigidly, the stiffness of his movement belying his silent terror. “I’ll do no such thing. I will not step aside to allow you to take my son’s life.” The courage and conviction in his tone left no room for mistake. James Potter was going to defend his family to the very end.
“Fool!” The man with the red eyes screamed, and he raised his wand, pointing it at James’ chest.
“James, no!” Lily captured James’ attention, and as he turned his head to look at her, the jet of green light hit him square in the chest. The life instantaneously left his eyes, and his body began its descent.
Lily screamed.....
and screamed, and screamed. She awoke screaming.
“Lily... Lily!” Lily heard the disembodied voice down the hallway as she sat bolt upright in bed. Moments later, Sirius and Remus burst through the door into the dark room. Sirius was the first to her side as Remus crossed the room to check on Harry, who was fine, sitting in his crib with wide eyes. Sirius sat next to Lily on the bed.
“Lily, you all right?” Sirius laid his hand on her arm in an effort to help calm her. He skipped over all the jokes he usually would have employed. You screamed so loud it would have put the banshees to shame. And the like. Concern was the only emotion present in his tired eyes.
“The red eyes... a-and James w-wouldn’t move. I tried... but James, h-he.... and then he fell, and....” Lily dissolved into sobs and pressed herself against Sirius. It was obvious to both Sirius and Remus what Lily had encountered in her sleep. She was being forced to relive the worst moments of her life in her uncontrollable unconscious; this was worse than any Dementor could force upon a person. She was inconsolable as she buried her face in Sirius’ shirt, and he tightened his grip around her, running his hand in gentle circles on her back. He held her for minutes until her tears subsided, and she was able to breathe without hitching.
Lily pulled back and looked at her two best friends. “How did you guys get to me so quickly? You were here within seconds.”
Remus pursed his lips, as if his answer might somehow displease Lily. It was Sirius who answered. “We, uh... weren’t exactly sleeping. We haven’t been to sleep since you left.” Lily then took a deeper look at Sirius, and noticed the exhaustion in his eyes.
“I’m so sorry...” Her voice came out small and apologetic, and full of overwhelming sadness.
“For what?” Sirius gaped, disbelief in his voice. “What could you possibly have to be sorry for?”
“I keep making the mistake that I’m the only one who’s devastated after James’ dea.... now that James is gone. I’m not stopping to think of the effect this is having on you two. I’m not stopping to think of how crushed you might be. Looking at the exhaustion in your eyes, and knowing that still your grief won’t allow you to fall asleep, it breaks my heart. It’s not fair. That I can sleep up here in this bed, and you two have couches, and can’t even get to sleep.”
“We all process our grief differently, Lily.” Remus crossed the room, now that Harry was safely asleep in his crib again. “What you’re dealing with isn’t any easier. We all know what you saw in your dreams, and that is by no means fair or easy. So you can manage sleep? You’re being tortured in there. Our minds are haunted whilst awake. Neither is easier than the other. Your grief is taking the form of nightmares right now. I’m probably going to become distant and silent at some point in the next few days. Sirius is probably going to get angry, and do something rash. Don’t feel guilty, Lily.”
Sirius opened his mouth to protest Remus’ assumptions, but then thought better of it. His friend knew him well. Lily nodded in response, squeezing Sirius’ hand as a sign of friendship. “Thank you, really. For being here. I rely on you more than you know.”
Her two friends got to their feet, and departed the room, but not without one look back at Lily. “See you tomorrow... later today.”
--------------------------------------------
The rest of the night passed uneventfully. Lily spent the remaining few hours of the night in a dreamless sleep, of which she was thankful. She woke at about 8:30, surprised that Harry had allowed her to sleep in that late; apparently, her little boy had been just as exhausted as she had been.
Lily quickly rummaged through her closet, choosing an emerald sweater and a pair of well-worn jeans, before getting Harry from his crib. She descended the stairs to find the living room empty. The two couches where she had expected to see her friends were vacant. She also noticed that James’ body was missing, and pieced together for herself where her friends were. She then noticed a small stack of letters on the kitchen counter.
Her curiosity got the best of her, and she opened the first few. One was from Albus Dumbledore, another from Minerva McGonagall, both offering their deepest of condolences, and that though they cared immensely for their family, they felt it best to give her space until she was ready to see others.
She appreciated the gesture from her past professors, and was immensely grateful that they were intuitive enough to realize that excessive company was not what she needed right now. She wasn’t sure she would’ve been able to communicate to them, or anyone for that matter, that it meant the world to her that they cared this much for her, but that she wanted them to, frankly, go away. One might wonder then, why Lily had allowed Sirius and Remus to stay. Honestly, it was because of the simple fact that they were more family than friend to her now. That, and the fact they had just as much right to be with James as she did; they had loved him just as much as she had, had suffered just as much of a loss as she had.
Lily was interrupted from her reverie by a quiet voice behind her.
“Lily?” It was Remus. She turned around slowly, relatively devoid of energy. “Are you ready for this?” He paused as if he couldn’t bring himself to utter the next words, so contrary were they to anything he ever thought he’d be saying.
“Are you ready to bury him?”
Lily nodded cautiously. This could possibly be the most brutal part of the day. Lily felt the emotional weight of the loss of James; she felt it heavy on her heart in that moment, and she knew that wouldn’t fade for quite some time. This was the physical reality, though; there was no going back. Once James entered that earth, there was no coming back. Lily couldn’t deny it; she had held on to some minute possibility that it had all been a dream, that James’ still form was only asleep, that he might wake up at any moment.
This was it.
And she had to go through with it, or there would be no closure. She would remain a broken, mangled mess that had no right acting as mother to Harry. She had to do this for Harry.
“Yeah, I’m ready.” She was still holding Harry tight in her arms, and gently kissed his forehead for reassurance that she would make it through today in one piece. She followed Remus out the back door. It was a brisk morning, but the sun shone brightly above. By all measures, it was a beautiful day.
Lily walked across the backyard, a task that seemed to take much longer than it should have, probably because Lily couldn’t take her eyes off the the long wooden box lying beside the gaping hole in the ground. When she drew nearer, a sick, hollow feeling consumed her, and the horror of the situation washed over her in full. She noticed two shovels laying next to the the hole, and tears pricked at the corners of her eyes when she noticed the dirt coating her two friends’ hands and clothes. They had dug that hole; they had painstakingly shoveled every mound of dirt from the earth with their own hands. Lily took Sirius’ hand when she reached him and leaned against his side for support.
“Thank you.” Lily didn’t get any audible reply. All she got was a squeeze to her hand. Apparently, Sirius wasn’t up to speaking this morning. She thought she noticed a hard glint in his eyes, something akin to determination, and grew momentarily worried, but decided to brush the feeling aside.
“Do either of you want to say something, or should I speak for all of us?” Remus looked at Sirius and Lily when he asked this question. Lily shook her head. “No, I don’t think I can.” She glanced up at Sirius, who promptly shook his head. He kept his gaze resolute, but Lily could see the tears gathering in his eyes and his bottom lip quivering. She turned back to Remus. “Go ahead, Remus. I think you’ll say it best.”
“All right, then. Here goes.” Remus took a deep breath, glanced at the dark hole beside his feet, and began.
“James Potter. Well, we all met him years and years ago at Hogwarts, which was really not so long ago, but sure feels like ages ago. He was my first friend, the first one who ever accepted me just the way I was, and he was Sirius’ best friend. And, well, he wasn’t Lily’s friend for a while; he was a bloody prick for a few years or so. Although he acted out and sometimes took things too far, he had a good heart, a strong heart, and was fiercely loyal to his friends like nothing I’ve ever seen. He regarded it as the height of dishonor to mistrust his friends.* In any case, it was James, and you, Sirius, who made those years at Hogwarts the best years of my life. I still remember the first prank we pulled at Hogwarts, and though I was scared out of my mind that we would get caught, I was happier than ever because someone had decided to include me.”
Lily saw the waves of nostalgia washing over Remus, taking him back, taking them all back to the days when life had been easier, when they’d been protected by those castle walls. Lily felt herself being pulled back, memories crashing over her. They all contained James, the good and the bad, the boy she had despised and the man she had grown to love.
“James was a great man. He fought for what he believed in, and protected those he loved with a determination so fierce and unyielding, it cost him his life. He died fighting; he died fighting for the well-being of the wizarding world, his friends, and his family. I can think of no better way for James to leave this world. He was a Gryffindor until the end. He was a brave man, a fierce friend, a loyal husband, and a passionate father. I would be denying the truth if I said that I didn’t want him back, that we all didn’t want him back. But I’d like to think that we’re all a little bit better for having known him. For having loved him, and experienced his stubborn, steadfast love.”
When Remus had finished, Lily’s face was marred with tears, and she gazed up at Sirius and saw a face matching her own. Tears lined his cheeks, his eyes were soft, and he wore the ghost of a smile upon his lips at the memory of his best friend.
“Are you ready?” Remus asked her for the second time that day. Lily took a long, shaking breath, and nodded.
Lily, Remus, and Sirius all pointed their wands at the long, wooden box and lifted it into the air before allowing it to descend slowly into the ground. Shaking ever so slightly, Remus picked up one of the shovels beside the hole, and began the long process of piling the dirt back to where it had come from. Sirius looked down at Lily.
“Do you need me, or can I... can I help Remus bury him?” Lily saw the need in his eyes, and the pleading in his voice, and knew she had to let him physically bury his best friend. “I’ll be fine.” Lily put on her brave face, and removed her arm from Sirius’. She stepped back and allowed her friends to bury the man she had loved so deeply.
She felt the weight in her chest growing ever stronger, as if it had life of its own, and was determined to crush Lily beneath it. She clutched Harry in her arms as if her life depended on it because, in a way, it did. She ran a trembling hand through his unruly, black hair ever so often, kissing his tiny fingers as he reached for her face. Once, as she leaned down to kiss his fingers again, he wiped his little fingertips across her cheeks, taking with them the tears that had been there. She gasped then, startled by the gesture, and looked into Harry’s green eyes to find vivid understanding there. It was if her little boy knew the significance of the day, and wanted to do his part in comforting his mum.
Lily looked up to see the hole completely filled in and Sirius fixing a marble headstone to one edge of the grave. Remus raised his wand and traced an inscription in the air that transcribed itself onto the marble.
James Potter
“The Last Enemy That Shall Be Defeated Is Death”**
Loving Husband of Lily
Father to Harry
Lily frowned. “Aren’t you forgetting something?”
Remus looked at Lily, then back at the headstone, then back to Lily. “No, I don’t think so.”
“Yes, you are,” Lily argued very determinedly. She stepped closer and raised her wand in the air, wherein a final phrase transcribed itself onto the marble.
Best Friend of Sirius and Remus
“There,” she said simply, but the gesture held profound meaning.
Sirius and Remus both came to stand on either side of her, and they simply stood there, gazing at the plot of earth where James lay as if some unforeseen force of gravity held them there; for they did not move. They stood there, like sentinels standing guard, the silence between them both terrifying and comforting. It was not long before Lily felt an odd sensation, as if someone was watching her. She glanced behind her for a moment, and struggled not to break composure. She clamped her mouth shut temporarily to keep from gasping aloud.
Once she felt calm enough to speak rationally, she spoke softly to both Sirius and Remus. “If I asked you for a favor, would you do it?”
Sirius nodded. Remus answered softly, “Yes, anything.”
“Promise me. I need your word.” Lily’s heart was racing, thinking only of the person she’d seen moments before. What was he doing here? What could he possibly think was a valid reason for showing up at her house, unannounced?
“Yes, we promise.” Sirius answered for them both.
Lily let out a breath. “Take Harry, Sirius, and when you both turn around, remain where you are. Do not follow me, and most of all, do not attack the man standing behind us.” She quickly handed Harry to Sirius as both he and Remus spun on a dime. Sirius let out a harsh breath at what he saw, and his hand moved to his wand. Lily grabbed his arm, and forced him to look at her. “You promised me. Remember, you’re doing this for me.”
Sirius glared vehemently at the man, poison in his eyes, as he searched for something to say. “But, Lily... it’s him!”
“I know. But, for me... please?” The tone of desperation in her small voice was all that kept Sirius and Remus from rushing forward in an attack. Sirius nodded rigidly. “Okay.” Lily turned and crossed the yard to where a tall man waited in the shadows of the house.
“You’re alive.” The relief in the man’s voice was overwhelming. “I-I thought you were...” The man grabbed Lily in an unexpected hug, and crushed her to his chest. He quickly recovered, though, and pulled away sharply.
“What’re they doing here?” The man spat, hollow voice matching his sallow skin and greasy hair. He glanced in the direction of Sirius and Remus.
Lily took a step back, and glared up into the face of Severus Snape. “They are here for James, Severus. Something I can’t the same for about you. Why are you here? Why are you here now, after all these years? After all, we both know where your loyalties lie.”
Severus cringed, but didn’t immediately respond. He sighed before continuing. “I’m sorry, Lily. This isn’t how I meant to start. I just - I can’t believe you’re alive. When I got news this morning of an attack on your home, I assumed the worst. I thought he-he’d gotten to you, and killed you and your child, and.. James.”
“Well, he succeeded on one of three counts. Guess that means you and your precious little Death Eaters pals must be ecstatic?” Lily spat venomously.
Severus shook his head quickly. “No... no! I never meant for any of this to happen, Lily! Honest, I didn’t!”
“What do you mean you didn’t mean for this happen? What did you do, Severus?”
Severus’ voice was soft as he confessed his involvement. “I told the Dark Lord of a prophecy in which one who had the power to vanquish him was rising, a-and he took it to mean your son. B-but as soon as I realized he was targeting your family, I asked Dumbledore for help, and I swore to help him in any way I could. I swear I tried to help, Lily. I tried to protect you... and your family. I swear I didn’t reveal your whereabouts. I swear! I didn’t betray you... Please, Lily. It wasn’t me!”
Lily nodded. “It was Peter.” Despite the truth of her statement, Lily couldn’t help but feel sick inside. The idea that Severus, the man who had been her best friend all those years ago, could have played role in James’ death, inadvertently or not, felt like a kick in the stomach. She felt as if all the wind had been knocked out of her.
“But... at least you’re alive,” Severus begged Lily to see things from his perspective. She was still alive, and she still had her son. And she had him. He would always watch out for her, from this point on. “You’re still here.”
“And he’s gone, Sev!” Lily couldn’t help but revert back to the times when she had been able to call him that, even though those days had long since passed. “James is gone! I might still be here, but there’s a gaping hole in my chest that is never going to mend.” The tears she had been holding back all morning burst forth, like floodwaters bursting from a dam.
“The man who loved me despite what the rest of the world might have viewed me as, as a Mudblood, the man who made me laugh incessantly, the man who doted upon me as if I was the most precious jewel in the world, the man who lay down his life for me is lying in the ground, cold and still and never coming back, Sev!”
She began to collapse and Severus caught her, holding her tight to him. Lily let him, although it contradicted any situation she would’ve thought she’d ever been in, and cried whilst Severus rested a hand comfortingly on her head.
“I’m so sorry, Lily.” And he was. As contrary as this sentiment might have been just days earlier, Severus was sorry that James was dead. Because something that caused Lily this much grief was a tragedy in his book as well. Severus Snape was truly sorry that James Potter was dead.
The Last Enemy That Shall Be Defeated Is Death by simply_enamored
Chapter Notes: A/N: This chapter was hard for me to write, not because of a lack of direction, but because of the emotional toll. It's not a light chapter, folks, but in my opinion, it's a good one. Thanks for sticking with me thus far.
Some quotes taken from Harry Potter books. I am not Jo, therefore, I cannot take credit for their brilliance.
*Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, page 81
** Deathly Hallows, page 328
Reviews are delightful. :)