By the fourth day of sending letters to Lily, Remus had all but given up on getting her to talk to him. He wasn't sure if the fact that she was ignoring him was a good sign or a bad sign. Did it mean that she knew what he was and what he had nearly done to her? And if she did know that, did her silence mean that she hated him for it? Or did the fact that she didn't appear to be planning to ruin his life, report him to the Ministry, or tell everyone his secret mean that she did not have a problem with what he was?
There was a gnawing worry in the base of his stomach, a feeling that this mess was about to get so much worse. Would his carefully guarded secret now become common knowledge?
The four letters he had sent to Lily were returned unopened by his owl. She had refused to even accept them.
"I'm worried about Lily," Alice announced to her fiancé.
Frank Longbottom glanced up from the newspaper he was reading and frowned slightly. "Evans? Why?"
Alice shrugged and wrapped her arms around herself. "I can't really explain it," she said, "but when I spoke to her yesterday, she seemed… different. She's given up on the Wolfsbane potion, and Mary says she's acting really out of character, too. I don't know what's wrong, but Lily… Lily doesn't give up. Even when she's in the wrong and knows it, she doesn't just… quit."
Frank put down the newspaper and asked, "Did you talk to her about it?"
Alice nodded slowly. "Yeah. She said… she said she realized she'd been wrong about some things and needed to change her opinions. She said…" She closed her eyes for a moment, picturing Lily's grave expression and serious gaze. The conversation had been odd, and it had left Alice with a feeling of trepidation she couldn't ignore.
Lily never gave up. While that was sometimes an endearing trait, it could also be frustrating, particularly in instances when her stubbornness prevented her from acknowledging that she was in the wrong.
But now... now she wasn't in the wrong. Not this time, not about wanting to help werewolves.
So why was she giving up?
"She said she'd been laboring under a delusion," Alice said finally, "and that it was time to grow up."
Frank raised his eyebrows. "That doesn't sound like Evans."
Alice shrugged. "She said the same thing to Mary, apparently. And Mary's worried about her, too. I don't understand what happened. I don't get why… why she would be acting like this."
"Spattergroit? Really?"
Lily shrugged half-heartedly and glanced over at Emma. The raven-haired witch's face wore an expression of complete disbelief, but Lily didn't seem to notice. Instead, she replied, "Why not?"
Emma shook her head. "There's already a cure for it."
"Bind the liver of a toad around your throat and stand naked in a barrel of eels' eyes during a full moon?" Lily scoffed. "Even if that does work, it would make so much more sense to cure it with a potion." She tapped her wand against the bottom of the cauldron, causing bright blue flames to appear and heat the concoction she was currently brewing. "That way the patient doesn't have to wait until the… the full moon… to get cured."
Emma pretended not to notice the way Lily's voice broke over the words full moon. Lily did have a good point - given how contagious spattergroit was, it would be better to be able to cure it quickly, instead of having to wait until the moon was full.
"It's not really that hard, actually," Lily said, staring at her potion thoughtfully. "I think I've already got some of the basic components figured out."
"Oh?"
"All I have to do is determine why the old wives' tale about toad liver is thought to work. Whatever parts of the disease are being addressed by the different parts of the supposed cure - the toad liver, the eel's eyes, the full moon, the standing naked - if I can capture those essences in potion ingredients…"
She trailed off and scribbled something down on the roll of parchment by her cauldron.
Emma nodded silently. Lily had a determined look on her face, as though she was forcing herself to accept this project, as though she was absolutely resolute that she would enjoy what she was doing. Never mind the fact that she clearly wasn't as passionate about this as she had been about the Wolfsbane potion.
"Lily?" Emma said tentatively. "We're still friends, right. You know you can tell me if something's bothering you."
Lily looked up at Emma. She was wearing a smile that didn't reach her eyes, and she said firmly, albeit somewhat unemotionally, "Nothing is wrong, Emma. Everything is just fine. Don't worry about me."
Emma nodded again. As she did so, she saw Benjy Fenwick watching the two of them with a concerned gaze. She hadn't spoken to him much, and all she knew about him was that he didn't like Eliza Greengrass or her pureblood prejudice. But now he was staring at Lily with a concerned look on his face and Emma realized he must have heard most of their conversation.
Fenwick caught her gaze for just a moment before looking away quickly.
Emma let out a long breath, gave Lily one last worried look, and then forced herself to focus on her own potion.
Remus watched as Lily's eyes widened in surprise and then narrowed slightly. He wasn't used to being on the receiving end of her glares - they were always directed at James or Sirius instead - and he squirmed uncomfortably under her scrutiny.
Then he reminded himself that he had come here for a reason. So he squared his shoulders and asked in a determined voice, "Can I come in?"
Lily hesitated, evidently looking for some reason to bar him entry to her flat. But she apparently couldn't come up with anything, because after a moment she stepped aside and allowed him to pass through the doorway.
"Is Mary here?" he asked, glancing around quickly.
"No," Lily said shortly, shutting the door with a snap and turning towards Remus once more. Her expression was remarkably unwelcoming. "Did you want something, Remus?"
"I wrote to you four times," Remus said. "You didn't answer. You didn't even open my letters." Lily said nothing, apparently content to make him do all the talking, and so he pushed on relentlessly, "I thought we were on better terms than this. What happened?"
She regarded him with something approaching scorn in her eyes. "What do you think happened?" she asked in a tone dripping with sarcasm.
This was not the Lily Evans that Remus knew. Even when Lily was dealing with James or Sirius, her voice had never held this much contempt.
Remus' stomach twisted into knots.
He turned away from her and walked around the room for a moment, eyes passing over the worn sofa, the chairs, and the fireplace. He had never felt this unsure around Lily, and he had no idea what to say.
Things were different now, he reminded himself. She might potentially have very damaging information on him. She was the one with all the power.
He paused, catching sight of something out of the corner of his eye. The small end-table near the fireplace had a shelf at the bottom of it, and the shelf was piled with books and scrolls of parchment. That in itself was not particularly unexpected given that this was Lily Evans' home and she was even more of a bookworm than he was, but the title of the top book was surprising.
Wolfsbane.
He'd heard of the book. He'd heard of the potion, too, and he'd heard that it was all a myth, that there wasn't anything out there that could help a werewolf during the transformation.
Without thinking, he reached down and picked up the book. "What's this?" he asked, turning towards Lily.
Her expression was unreadable as she replied, "Just some old things I haven't gotten rid of yet. I was going to burn them, but… well… I don't like burning books. Even if they are completely useless." An emotion flickered through her eyes as she ended the statement, and Remus got the strangest feeling that she was testing him.
"But why do you have it?" he pressed. "Why would you even…" He trailed off, staring at Lily, but she didn't answer. He searched his mind furiously, trying to come up with an explanation, and it took a moment for the pieces to fall into place. Then he said slowly, "The program you're in… you work on a potion…" He looked down at the scrolls of parchment and the other books on the bottom shelf of the end-table. "Were you working on Wolfsbane?"
Lily reached over and tugged the book out of his hands. "It's not..." She looked uncomfortable, as though she didn't want to be talking about this. "Why did you come here?" she asked finally.
Remus gaped at her. How could she just ignore his question. Didn't she understand how important this was to him?
"Lily, are you working on Wolfsbane?" he said again, moving closer to her. He knew he was practically demanding that she answer the question, that the tone of his voice had changed from civil to something bordering on angry, and this wasn't how he wanted the conversation to go. But he needed to know...
"I was," Lily said simply, then looked away, unable to meet his gaze.
He didn't miss the fact that her reply was in the past-tense.
"And now?" he asked.
She shrugged, still not looking at him, and her skin had flushed a slight pink in either embarrassment or shame. But her tone was hard and determined as she said, "I decided there was no point. I'm working on something else now."
No point? Remus wanted to yell at her. He wanted to scream. The emotions welled up in his chest and he could barely keep them under control. He had to bite back the urge to break into hysterical laughter, an action that he suspected would make Lily fear for his sanity even more than she apparently already did.
He knew that this potion was widely regarded as impossible to brew and that the original potioneer had given up because of a lack of progress. But if there was even the slightest chance that Wolfsbane could be made, or that the theory behind it could be adapted to a similar potion…
"Why would you think that?" he asked in a hoarse voice, trying to remain calm.
"It doesn't matter," she said, tossing the book back onto the end-table. "You still haven't answered me. What are you doing here?"
"Is there something wrong with the theory?" Remus pressed. He didn't know much about potion theory, and he didn't have the intuitive grasp of the subject that Lily had. Had she discovered something? Had she learned something that could be useful? If there was something wrong with the theory then it could be changed, modified…
"Remus," Lily said sharply. "What are you doing here?"
"Lily…" he started, still staring at the book.
"Oh, for Merlin's sake," Lily snapped at him, eyes flashing dangerously, "it just isn't going to work. The potion... it won't fix anything. It won't make the werewolf not a werewolf. Do you get that? It's not going to... It's not going to help. It's a waste of time. So tell me what you are doing here or leave."
If Remus had been thinking clearly, he would have noticed that she seemed desperate to change the subject. If he had been calm enough to be perceptive, he would have seen the way her eyes darted away from him repeatedly, as though she was embarrassed. If he had been able to focus on anything besides the promise offered by that potion, he would have heard the forced tone in her voice and realized she was making herself believe this whether she wanted to or not.
Instead, he reeled back, feeling as though she had physically slapped him. He was abruptly breathless, unable to comprehend how she could be so careless in her dismissal of werewolves. He had no doubt at this point in the conversation that she knew he was a werewolf, although he still didn't know how she had figured it out. But the how didn't matter because it was abundantly clear from the icy anger in her tone how little she thought of him.
Because of his status.
Helping him - helping all werewolves - was a waste.
The hurt and anger warred with each other in his chest, and the anger won. He expected casual discrimination from a lot of people, but he had never expected it from her.
"So that's how you feel, is it?" he snapped.
She lifted her chin defiantly. "Any reason I should think differently?"
"I guess not," he said, and without another word, he turned on his heel and marched out of her flat.
It was nearly two in the morning when James shoved the door open and stormed into the flat, and that alone was enough to terrify Lily. She, of course, had no idea it was him, and only knew that someone was breaking into her home. The noise of the flat door slamming against the wall woke her, and she snatched the wand from her bedside table and jumped to her feet, instantly wondering if she should flee or fight.
Then she heard his voice.
"Evans!"
She recognized it immediately as James, and though it was two in the morning and despite the incredible raw anger in that one word, she relaxed. It was James, and he might be annoying and arrogant - and right now he might be furious - but he wasn't going to hurt her.
At least, she thought he wasn't. But she'd misjudged him before, and after the night of the full moon, how could she possibly trust him now?
"James?" she heard Mary say. Her flat mate had apparently decided to investigate the noise.
"I need to speak to Evans, Mary," James said, his voice still loud and still angry.
"It's the middle of the night!" Mary protested. "Can't this wait until the morning? You know… that's what normal people do."
Lily grabbed a dressing grown and wrapped it around her thin frame, then marched out of her room. She'd been half-expecting this confrontation, though not quite like this. But if James wanted to talk, then she was perfectly fine talking to him.
And with any luck, she wouldn't hex him into oblivion in the process.
James was standing in the middle of the living room. His hair was wet and plastered to his face, and a quick glance at the window showed Lily that it was absolutely pouring outside. And James' expression seemed to echo the weather - his eyes had darkened until the hazel was replaced by a stormy gray and his expression was one of pure, unadulterated fury.
Mary was standing opposite him, wearing pink pajamas and fluffy pink slippers and an expression of bewilderment. She was gaping at James, but at Lily's entrance, she switched her attention to the redhead.
"Lils?" she murmured questioningly.
"Go back to bed, Mary," Lily said stonily, keeping her gaze fixed on James. "I'll take care of this."
"Lily, what's going on?" Mary pressed, glancing warily between her friend and the wizard who had shown up so suddenly in her flat. It was clear from the expression on her face that she knew something was wrong, and equally clear that she was reluctant to leave Lily alone. She might not know exactly what the problem was, and she might actually like James quite a bit, but Lily was still her best friend, and she was on Lily's side.
James folded his arms across his chest and glared at Lily, ignoring Mary completely.
Lily blinked and glanced at Mary. "Please," she said in a softer voice, "let me handle this."
Mary studied Lily's face intently, then gave a hesitant nod and retreated into her own room.
Once the door was shut firmly behind Mary, Lily waved her wand at her friend's bedroom and murmured, "Muffilato," under her breath. Then she turned her attention back to James and demanded, "What do you want?"
"What the bloody hell did you think you were doing, talking to Remus like that?" James snarled. "What is wrong with you?"
Lily took a step back, surprised by the rage. She'd never seen James this angry, and although Remus had told her a few times that James, for all his faults and rather arrogant habits, was an incredibly loyal friend, she hadn't realized how personally he would take the entire situation.
But Lily was not one to back down from an argument, so she said, "What's wrong with you, Potter? It's two in the morning and you've just broken into my flat!"
"Do you know what Remus is doing right now?" James hissed, lowering his voice. The reduction in volume did not make him any less terrifying, however. There was still a hostility to his words and a coldness in his eyes that sent shivers down Lily's spine.
Lily placed her hands on her hips and said, "I don't know. Howling at the moon, maybe?"
James' jaw dropped. Whatever harsh words he had expected from her, that still took him completely by surprise.
It took her by surprise, too. She hadn't meant to say it, and cringed inwardly the moment the words came pouring out of her lips. It was far harsher than she meant to be, but she couldn't take it back now, and she was too angry to know if she even wanted to.
How could James stand there and pretend that Remus was the injured party here?
James shook his head and said in a tone of bitter disillusionment, "I thought you would be different. I thought you would understand. For all your talk about Muggleborn rights and pureblood prejudice… What a surprise, then, to find out that you're exactly like everyone else. I guess it is a good thing that I've finally seen the kind of person you are."
Lily took a step back. It was as though his anger had taken physical form and shoved her towards the wall. She couldn't get away from him, couldn't escape his words or his hatred or the tension that filled the air, and she wanted to. She had wanted to talk to him before, had been more than prepared for the argument. But not now. Now, she just wanted to avoid this entire confrontation.
She was tired and frustrated and scared.
And stubborn.
She felt the tears burning hot in her eyes and refused to let them fall as she asked, "And what kind of person am I, Potter?"
"You're a hypocrite. And a coward. And you clearly don't care about anyone other than yourself," came the steady reply. James hadn't even hesitated to say the words.
And something in Lily snapped.
"Is that so?" she spat, seeing red. How dare Potter pretend to be better than her? "Do you want to know the kind of person I think I am?" she demanded. James didn't say anything, or maybe she didn't give him enough time to respond. She wasn't thinking clearly, she just knew that she needed to get these thoughts out of her before they caused her to explode. "I'm the kind of person who is stupid enough to think that people deserve a chance. I'm the kind of person who keeps clinging to the idea that people can be saved if you just try hard enough. But it's not true, is it? In the end, I'm just a silly little girl who was wasting her time."
She stalked over to the fireplace and grabbed a book from the end-table. She flung it at James as hard as she could, but she'd never had much in the way of physical strength and he caught it without trouble. He stared down at the cover, at the word Wolfsbane, and then looked back at Lily in confusion.
"That was what I was working on in my course," Lily said, venom twisting her words and her expression. "Wolfsbane. A chance to help werewolves, to ease the pain of their transformation, to stop them from turning into a monster each month."
"I…" James started, but Lily raised her voice and continued, nearly shouting now.
"They all told me I was wrong. Healer Lanwick, Greengrass… even Emma thought it was a waste of time. But I continued. I fought back. I refused to give up, to back down. Healer Lanwick told me that if I continued with this I wouldn't move on to the next phase of the program and I might as well just give up on all of my dreams. And you know what? I continued working on the potion anyway! Because I thought it was worth it."
The tears finally escaped her self-control and spilled down her cheeks. She swatted at them angrily, annoyed that she was crying at all and embarrassed that she was crying in front of James.
"Never mind that that program was one of the few things going right in my life at the moment," Lily continued shouting at a shocked James. "I mean, my own sister doesn't want me in her wedding. Not in the wedding party, not as a bridesmaid or anything else. In fact, she probably doesn't want me to come to the wedding at all! I spent years feeling guilty that I'd gotten magic and she hadn't. I spent years trying to keep my friendship with her, trying to be a good sister, trying to reclaim the relationship we had before all this. She kept pushing me away, calling me a freak and any other name she could come up with, and I stupidly believed that if I just tried harder, I could fix this. And now, on the most important day of her life, she doesn't want me around her!"
She knew, of course, that this wasn't James' fault. It wasn't Remus', either. But it was part of the problem, part of what had been plaguing her since leaving Hogwarts.
And James looked stunned and bewildered and still angry at her, and he opened his mouth to say something, but now that Lily had started talking, she couldn't stop.
"Which shouldn't have come as a surprise, should it, given that the exact same thing happened with Severus," she spat. She wiped at her eyes again, brushing away more tears. "But I really should have been more prepared for that one. It's not like I didn't see the path Severus was going down, but I thought if I just tried harder I could show him that his Slytherin friends were wrong. I was wrong then, just like I was wrong with Petunia this summer. And you'd think something good could have come from my fallout with him, right? That maybe I would be just a little bit more prepared for prejudice in the real world. But I wasn't." She stopped, the words choking her. "I wasn't," she said again, her voice hoarse.
"So you faced discrimination and rejection and then you turned around and did the exact same thing to Remus?" James demanded loudly, his voice cutting across hers.
Lily ignored him. "I wasn't prepared for Healer Lanwick to tell me I was a Muggleborn and I didn't understand anything. I'd gotten that from the Slytherins at Hogwarts, but I thought… I thought things would be different. I thought if I just worked hard enough, I could show her and everyone else that I was good enough. But I can't. I can't ever be good enough, can I? Because I can't change my blood!"
"At least you can actually get a job in the magical world," James retorted. "Which is more than Remus can do. Or did you forget that he's been working at a Muggle bookstore with an abusive boss?"
"He attacked me!"
And there it was, finally out in the open.
"It wasn't Remus," James argued passionately. "It was the wolf. He has no control over what he does when he has transformed and you know that!"
"But he has control over what he does before he transforms," Lily retorted hotly. "And if he'd had any common sense at all, he wouldn't have transformed that close to a populated village!" She jutted her chin out and added in a tone filled with disgust, "And you, Prongs. You have control over what you do. You and Padfoot. The two of you are apparently arrogant enough to think that the rules don't apply to you. But there is more than a detention at stake here, Potter. People could die."
James didn't bother asking how she knew about his ability to transform into a stag. After all, she'd seen the scratches and gashes on his body, just like she'd seen the same on Sirius', and she knew their nicknames. It wouldn't have taken much for her to figure out what they were.
"Do you know what Lanwick told me?" Lily continued bitterly. "When I told her that Wolfsbane potion would help werewolves because it would allow them to keep their minds during their transformation, she said that that would only help us if they didn't want to bite people. She seemed to be laboring under the assumption that some werewolves enjoyed hurting others, and having their minds clear during the transformation would simply allow them to attack more people."
"Remus doesn't want to hurt anyone!" James said fiercely, defending his friend.
"I know that," Lily answered coldly, finally no longer shouting. The energy had drained out of her, and she was too exhausted to be angry. And with the fury gone, all that was left was disappointment, and that seeped into her tone instead. "And at the time, I told Healer Lanwick that she was being ridiculous. At the time, I thought she was being ridiculous. But was she? I know that Remus isn't going to actively try to hurt anyone. But he certainly doesn't seem to be doing a whole lot to avoid hurting people. And what if there are other werewolves out there who do want to hurt people? And who would love to do it with their minds intact? How can I help them become such efficient murderers?"
"What would you have Remus do?" James asked, stalking forward until he was right in front of Lily.
"Lock himself in a room until the transformation is over," Lily answered. "Transform in the wilderness, far away from people. Chain himself up. Anything that doesn't risk lives, Potter. But he isn't doing that. He's putting everyone around him at risk, and you are Black are helping." She shook her head. "I thought he was better than that. Maybe you and Black are that arrogant to think what you three are doing is alright, but I thought Remus knew better."
"If he locks himself up in a room, he'll just end up tearing himself to bits, and he can't afford to go to St. Mungo's every month. And even if he could afford it, it would mean letting Healers poke and prod him and treat him like a monster," James answered, his words filled with loathing for the Healers at St. Mungo's. "Do you have any idea how many times he's been refused painkiller potions there because the Healers say that monsters like him don't deserve them? He doesn't have a whole lot of options, and this way at least he won't end up killing himself!"
"He could have killed me," Lily said quietly, ignoring the comment about St. Mungo's Healers. "He could have bitten me. Can you really tell me you've never had another close call besides that one? That he's never nearly maimed or killed or bitten someone else?"
James met her gaze and said flatly, "We've stopped him every time."
Lily sighed and looked away. "That's not good enough. Some day you won't be able to stop him. I thought Remus would understand that. I thought his lycanthropy was a curse, an illness, but that he wasn't a monster. And he may not be the wolf, but he knowingly and willingly puts himself in a position where the wolf could do real damage. I thought Remus was different, and I was wrong." She gave a bitter chuckle. "It's been happening a lot lately."
"So you're just going to give up on this potion," James said flatly, disbelievingly. "You're just going to give up on werewolves. Because of one night? Because of one close call. Remus is a good..."
"If I continue this potion," Lily interrupted flatly, bluntly, "I give up my future. I give up everything I want for myself. And for what? For someone who doesn't mind putting other people's lives in danger? For someone who holds no regard for the safety of others? For someone who thinks only of himself?" She scoffed, but then her expression fell and she said quietly, "And the things is... I'd do it. I'd give it all up for this potion. If I still thought it was the right thing to do. But now... I don't know. I don't know what I believe about werewolves anymore, but if the good werewolves out there are like Remus, I can't imagine what would happen if I provide this potion to the bad ones. I won't take the risk of giving Dark creatures an even better way to kill."
"You should come visit Remus directly after the full moon," James said, his tone suddenly filled with raw pain. "Before his mother has had a chance to fix him up. Or better yet, you should visit him after a transformation when Sirius and Peter and I aren't around, when he doesn't have anyone to help keep him at least a little bit more sane. When he turns on himself and tears himself to pieces. You should visit him, and then you can tell me that what I'm doing is wrong. Then you can tell me that it is okay to let one of my best mates torture himself every month. Then you can tell me that I should take the chance he'll kill himself without us around to stop him."
Lily said nothing.
"But until that happens," James continued in a low voice, "stay the hell away from Remus. And I promise you, Evans, if you breathe a word of his secret to anyone, I will make you regret it." He spun on his heel and marched towards the door. He paused there, looking back at Lily, and she met his gaze tiredly. "You really aren't the girl I thought you were," he said softly, and there was some sadness in his voice.
And then he was gone.