He'd run away from home, his name had been blasted off the family tree, and every conversation he had ever had with his parents ended in shouting.
Those were all things that Sirius knew about his life. Those were all things that he had accepted - or, at least, pretended he had accepted. They didn't bother him now anywhere near as much as they had bothered him in the past. He'd replaced his family with James, Remus, and Peter, and later James' parents, and he'd replaced his home with Hogwarts, or the Potter house, or his own flat. He'd moved on.
Sort of.
James' revelation that he'd heard Malfoy, Snape, and one of the Lestranges discussing a plot to convince him to rejoin the family had changed everything.
It shouldn't have changed anything, because there was nothing anyone could say that would ever make him go back to that hell, to the pureblood elitism and his parents' ridiculous ambitions for the creation of a proper wizarding society. He should have just been able to shrug off those words, laugh at whatever idiotic plan they came up with, and go on with his life.
He couldn't.
It was eleven o'clock at night and he was sitting at a wizarding pub in the middle of Muggle London, watching as the object of his moody thoughts wrapped his arm around the beautiful blonde sitting next to him, oblivious to Sirius' stare.
It would have been easier if Regulus hadn't chosen to come to that particular pub, Sirius reflected bitterly as he slowly curled his fingers around the glass of Firewhisky resting on the bar in front of him.
Sirius himself had come here to meet Remus and James, but Remus had cancelled at the last minute, claiming he didn't feel up to hanging out that night, and James had immediately left to track down their bookish friend and find out what the trouble was.
Sirius had debated calling on Peter, but the fourth Marauder had initially refused to come out that night because he was needed at home, and Sirius didn't want to interrupt whatever his friend was dealing with at the moment. Peter had been quieter than usual as of late, and they all knew part of it was because he was so busy trying to help out at his father's business.
Sirius didn't know what the other part of it was, but it bothered him nonetheless. He'd respect Peter's privacy… for now. But sooner or later, the two of them were going to have to talk.
Unfortunately, respecting Peter's privacy meant that he was on his own for the evening. So instead of spending time with any of his friends, Sirius was sitting alone at the bar, watching Regulus talk to Eliza Greengrass.
Regulus was the one sore point left in the entire mess he called family. He had at one point honestly believed that he and Regulus could work past their issues and restore some semblance of brotherhood. But that time had passed. Their relationship was a lost cause.
But it still bothered Sirius.
Regulus had shown up about ten minutes after James had left, and the timing had been truly awful. If Regulus had come ten minutes earlier and James had still been there, James would have dragged Sirius away before he could get too bogged down in his own frustrated emotions. If Regulus had waited another ten minutes, Sirius probably would have left, because sitting at a pub by himself wasn't much fun.
But the timing had conspired against him.
He downed the rest of his Firewhisky in one gulp, feeling it burn the back of his throat. The barmaid, a pretty brunette with long legs and just barely enough clothing to be considered decently dressed, gave him a perky smile and reached for the glass.
"More, luv?"
He shook his head and waved one hand. "No, thanks," he muttered sourly.
He clambered off the stool and made his way through the crowded pub towards the door. Maybe he'd take a short stroll before Apparating back to his flat. Some fresh air would help to clear his head and push away all thoughts of his worthless brother.
What did it matter if Bella had some crazy plan to get Sirius to rejoin the family? What was she going to do? Show up with a list of reasons the Blacks were better than everyone else? Send him an essay trying to convince him to come back to his ancestral home?
Hex him until he caved? That was more Bella's style.
He shoved open the door and a blast of cool wind hit him, momentarily clearing his head. The night air smelled like smoke and car exhaust and a hint of oncoming rain, and was a welcome relief from the claustrophobic bar and his even more claustrophobic thoughts.
The relief didn't last long.
"The rest of the wedding was nice."
Sirius spun around to find Regulus standing in the doorway of the pub. Apparently he had been aware of Sirius' stare and had decided to follow his brother outside.
Sirius blinked, and it took his alcohol-infused mind a moment to figure out what wedding Regulus was referring to. But when the pieces clunked into place, he snorted derisively and asked, "Why would I care?"
"She's still your cousin," Regulus said stubbornly. "I thought you might want to know that she's happy."
"Narcissa is not family," Sirius replied. "Besides, it's been weeks since the wedding. If I didn't care enough to find out how it went before, what makes you think I would care now?"
"So you're just going to be a selfish brat about it?" Regulus snarled, splotches of red appearing on his face. "I don't understand how you can just walk away from your own family."
Sirius rolled his eyes. When he spoke, his words were laced with venom and more than a little bit of disgust, "Why don't you go back to shoving your tongue down Greengrass' throat, Reg? She at least can actually stand being around you."
Without waiting for a response, he spun around and stomped down the street away from the pub and his brother. He expected to hear Regulus call out after him, expected to hear insults hurtled at him… but he didn't expect to feel Regulus suddenly grab onto his arm and pull him back.
"For Merlin's sake," Regulus snapped, "how much longer are you going to keep this up?"
Sirius yanked his arm out of his brother's grasp and narrowed his eyes. "Gee, I don't know," he said sarcastically, "how about forever?"
"Grow up! Get over yourself, get over this childish temper tantrum…"
"You think me leaving home was a temper tantrum?" Sirius demanded incredulously. "I'm not the one acting selfish. I'm not the one being immature. I'm not the one…"
"Then what exactly is it you think you're doing?" Regulus asked pointedly. "Running around with your filthy friends and trampling all over the Black family name and our ideals and-"
"You sound more and more like Mum every day," Sirius interrupted, spitting out the words.
"You say that like it is a bad thing."
"It is a bad thing! Mum's little pet. I thought you'd outgrow that eventually, but clearly I was wrong. You're so eager to make her happy, so eager to be the perfect Black son, you can't even see that-"
"Don't tell me what I do and don't see!" Regulus snarled. "You're the one who is blind to all the pain you've caused!"
"I give up," Sirius said, throwing his hands into the air. "I just... Merlin... I give up."
"On what?"
"On you."
Regulus said nothing, although his eyes widened slightly, and Sirius could have sworn he saw something like hurt flash through his younger brother's expression. But then it was gone, replaced by the same look of derision that their parents had always saved specially for Sirius.
"We keep having the same argument over and over," Sirius growled, "and you never… you never listen. You never learn. Merlin, you just… you make me so…" He shook his head, unable to come up with the right words to express the magnitude of his anger and his disappointment.
And Regulus still said nothing.
"So I give up," Sirius said. "We're done. You and me… we're not brothers anymore."
Regulus stared at Sirius for a moment longer, then turned away and started back towards the pub.
"Hey, Reg," Sirius called out suddenly, a thought occurring to him. Regulus paused and looked back expectantly, and Sirius asked, "You wouldn't happen to know anything about cousin Bella having some plan to convince me to rejoin the family? Something Malfoy might be involved in as well?"
"I'm not the only one who thinks you should come back," Regulus replied flatly. "I'm not the only one who… who misses you."
"They don't miss me," Sirius scoffed. "They just don't want me to embarrass the family." He curled one hand into a first, the other one automatically slipping into his pocket to close around the smooth wood of his wand. "And what about you, Reg?" Sirius pressed. "Are you part of this plan of theirs? Is that why you're talking to me now? Is that why you wanted me to come to the wedding? So I don't embarrass you?"
"I'm your brother," Regulus said.
It wasn't an answer, not really, and Sirius didn't want to continue the conversation long enough to find out anything else. He turned around and left, not bothering to look back even once.
Regulus wasn't his brother, not really.
And maybe if he said that enough times, he'd start to believe it.
"Maybe she's right, Prongs."
"She's not bloody right, Moony!"
Remus groaned and dropped his head into his hands. He was used to James anger and his stubbornness and his complete refusal to listen to any dissenting opinion, but it didn't mean he had to like it. Particularly not when the topic of conversation had so much to do with him.
"She's overreacting," Sirius agreed.
Remus shook his head. Of course Sirius would take James' side. Of course he would ignore the truth in Lily's words.
James was pacing, full of pent-up energy and irritation. His footsteps were loud and angry and his glare could easily have rivaled even the worst that McGonagall bestowed upon them. It was almost as though he was trying to force Remus to agree with him by sheer willpower.
Remus sighed and looked away. His gaze fell on Sirius, who was standing in the doorway, leaning against the wall. He'd been on edge throughout the entire conversation - and they'd been having this conversation for at least twenty minutes, constantly going in circles because no one was willing to give in - and there was something sour in his expression.
Clearly, Sirius had his own problems to worry about, and they were preoccupying much of his mind.
"I could have killed her," Remus said.
Sirius met his gaze. "We wouldn't let you do that," he replied off-handedly, a smirk touching his lips. "Even as the wolf you're too scrawny to overpower James or I. All that time spent in the library instead of flying with the rest of us…"
"Would you be serious for just one moment?" Remus asked, frustrated.
"I'm Sirius all the time," came the reply.
Remus frowned. "Stop joking around," he snapped, his voice suddenly far harsher than he had intended.
That out-of-character response was enough to stop James' pacing, at least for a moment. "No one's joking, Moony," he said flatly. "But she's wrong. Alright? Evans is wrong."
"I was being irresponsible," Remus said softly. "I should just go back to transforming at St. Mungo's…"
"So they can sneer at you and treat you like a monster?" Sirius demanded. "Don't be ridiculous."
"What would have happened if I'd bitten Lily?" Remus asked bitterly.
"You wouldn't have…"
"You don't know that!" Remus retorted loudly, cutting off James' words. He felt the heat rising to his face, felt his own fears and worries bubbling under the surface of the calm he was so desperately trying to maintain. He took a breath and exhaled slowly before saying, "You can't promise me that I will never hurt anyone. You just can't."
"We've seen how they treat you at St. Mungos," James said firmly. "I'm not going to let you go back there."
"Let me?" Remus repeated, eyebrows raised. "It isn't your decision."
"Well, it bloody well should be," James snapped, "since you're making a right mess of it!"
"Prongs…"
"You can't just let them victimize you! You can't go back to St. Mungo's and let them treat you like you're a monster…"
"I am a monster!" There was an abrupt silence in response to Remus' furious words, and then he sighed and said in a softer voice, "Or, at least, the wolf is."
"You're not the wolf, Moony," Sirius said quietly.
Remus shrugged, not really wanting to dwell on that point. "Does it matter? I got lucky. We would be having a completely different conversation right now if I had bitten Lily, and you know that. We need to stop this. I'll find another way to get through the transformations but… we need to stop putting people in danger."
"So you had one close call," Sirius started, but Remus cut him off.
"This wasn't the first close call," he said bluntly. "We've had other narrow misses at school…" He trailed off and didn't mention Snape, but James and Sirius both stiffened nonetheless. "This wasn't the first close call," he said again, "but I can at least make sure it is the last."
"How are you going to do that?" Peter asked.
Remus started; he'd almost forgotten that Peter was even there. The fourth Marauder had said nothing during the conversation, and had practically faded into the background as the other three argued with each other.
But now he was staring at Remus with a look of earnest curiosity in his gaze.
"I'll go to St. Mungos," Remus said, shrugging.
Peter looked down for a moment, then asked, "How?"
Remus shifted uncomfortably. Peter brought up a good point, one that he hadn't considered. He'd been too frustrated at James and Sirius and himself and even Lily to consider the finer details of his plan. And though Peter wouldn't come right out and say what it was that he meant, he could at least subtly remind Remus of the problems with his plan.
He couldn't afford St. Mungos.
And he wasn't going to take charity from his friends, although, given the argument, he wasn't really sure any of them would offer it anyway.
"I'll figure something out," he said stoically.
"Well, count me out," James retorted resentfully. "I'm not going to be part of this."
It became abundantly clear by the first ten minutes of practice that this was not going to be a good day.
Two minutes in, and James couldn't get his head in the game well enough to pay attention to Shaw's instructions.
Four minutes in, and he missed an easy pass from Wilde.
Seven minutes in, and he failed to knock the Quaffle into the goal, despite what had been an amazing set-up by Wilkinson.
Ten minutes in, and Shaw was yelling at him.
"Potter, what is wrong with you today? Stop glaring at everyone and get your focus back!"
James turned sharply in midair and felt his temper start to bubble dangerously close to the surface. His hands clutched tightly at the handle of the broom and he had to forcefully bite down on his tongue to stop callous words from spilling out.
Shaw must have seen just how close James was to loosing it, because he narrowed his eyes and said harshly, "Either get yourself together or sit out."
James gave a jerking nod and turned his broom around.
He wasn't used to this. Flying had never once failed to take his mind off his problems, at least temporarily. When his mother had gotten sick during the winter of his seventh year, he'd spent a good month giving every free second to the Quidditch pitch. Before they'd become Animagi, every time Remus had had a particularly bad transformation and ended up under Madam Pomfrey's care for longer than usual, James would grab his broom and fly out over the castle grounds. Every time Regulus started a fight with Sirius or Snape taunted Peter for his mediocrity and James couldn't do anything to cheer up either of them, he'd taken to the air instead.
All he had ever needed was to jump on a broom, and the feeling of flying, the incredible rush of air and wind and adrenaline, would soothe his emotions and give him some reprieve from his frustrations.
Not today.
Today, it seemed only to make things worse.
Wilkinson tossed the Quaffle to him and he caught it. Bagman sent a Bludger his way, and it should have been easy enough to dodge. It wasn't a hard hit and James was far enough away to swerve around the oncoming ball, but he couldn't quite manage to pull himself together and the Bludger grazed his arm, throwing him off balance. He dropped the Quaffle and grabbed his broom to steady himself.
"Damn it!" he swore under his breath as Shaw caught the Quaffle.
The team captain pulled up in front of him, one hand holding the Quaffle under his arm. "Take a couple laps around the pitch, Potter," he ordered. "Maybe that will help clear your mind."
"Doubt it," James grumbled sourly, but when Shaw raised his eyebrows pointedly, a silent reminder that his words had been an order, not a request, James spun his broom around and stared flying.
But the feel of the cool air on his face and the wind in his hair did nothing to help the situation.
Remus thought he was a monster.
He hadn't said it in so many words, but it had been clear to the other three Marauders. They had spent years telling Remus that they were his friends and they would never think of him as a monster, but that was all apparently for nothing, because Remus himself now believed it.
And James couldn't even use Quidditch as a way to get his mind off the defeated look in Remus' eyes when he had insisted that he should just go back to St. Mungo's.
To being treated like something less than human.
It was all Lily bloody Evans' fault.
The rest of the practice passed uneventfully, but it certainly didn't get any better. He missed several more easy goals, failed to catch several more simple passes, and glowered at everything and everyone. And he knew that none of this was the fault of anyone on the team and he really shouldn't have been taking his anger out on them, but he just couldn't help it.
He was in a foul mood, and he had no idea how to make it better.
Shaw called the practice early, and James let his broom carry him slowly towards the ground. He could see Vanessa sitting on one of the benches, watching him, and he grimaced.
So apparently she'd seen just how horribly he'd played, too.
She smiled at him, and he forced himself to return the gesture. But she clearly saw the effort behind it, because her smile faded into an expression of concern.
He turned away from her and climbed off his broom. The last thing he wanted right now was someone's sympathy. Particularly when that person had no idea what was actually wrong.
Which made it rather unfortunate that Carlotta Prewitt took that moment to put her hand on his shoulder and asked gently, "Is everything alright?"
"It's fine," he growled at the Seeker, shrugging off her hand.
She bristled. "I was just asking," she said a bit sharply. "No need to take that tone with me."
"Oh, bugger off," he retorted.
"Alright, that's it!" Shaw snarled, breaking into the conversation before it could continue. "Potter, I don't know what happened to you and I don't care. Deal with whatever it is and pull yourself together, because until you do, you're sitting out."
"I… what?" James demanded.
"You're sitting out. Not playing in any matches, not practicing with us." James gaped at him, but Shaw didn't seem to notice. He turned away from James, dismissing him, and focused instead on the other members of his team.
James continued to stare at him, dumbfounded.
"You're kicking me off the team?" he asked finally.
"No," Shaw replied over his shoulder. "I'm just temporarily removing you. Deal with your problems on your own time, then come back." And he led the rest of the team towards the changing rooms, away from James. They followed wordlessly, some looking back at James with mixtures of sympathy and confusion.
James ignored all of them and scuffed the ground with the toe of his shoe.
How did this day just keep getting worse?
"James?"
He turned around as Vanessa approached. She was frowning at him, her eyes darting between his face and the departing team.
He didn't want to talk to her. He didn't want to discuss what had happened during the practice and he certainly didn't want to tell her why he was in a bad mood. He couldn't tell her, not really. They'd gone on two more dates since the bet, but it wasn't like she was his girlfriend, and he wasn't about to trust her with Remus' secret.
And he didn't want to talk about Lily.
"What?" he demanded as she stared at him.
"What happened?" she asked. "I heard Shaw… I heard what he said. Are you… alright?" She sounded tentative, unsure, and if James had been paying any attention at all, he would have noticed just how awkward she felt about the entire situation. Comforting someone was apparently new to her.
Or, at least, it was new to her when it was a person she cared about and she wasn't just trying to manipulate him to get a story.
But he wasn't paying attention to her tone, just her words, and her words were asking a remarkably stupid question. "No, I'm not bloody alright," he retorted. "I got kicked off the team!"
"It is just temporary," Vanessa said softly, as though that would make things better.
James scoffed. "Right. Whatever."
Vanessa cleared her throat. "Let's… let's go… do something… Something to get your mind off… whatever happened," she suggested. "Unless you want to talk about it? That might help."
"Why?" James asked.
Vanessa's eyebrows furrowed into a slightly bewildered expression, then she said, "I'm just trying to help. I care about you. We are dating, after all."
"Yeah?" he snapped challengingly. "You're only still dating me because you're hoping to trick me into giving you a decent story. I'm sure once you manage to squeeze out everything I know about Shaw and Sabine and Puddlemere United you'll move on to the next bloke you can manipulate."
Vanessa reeled back as though he'd slapped her. Her eyes widened momentarily, then she said coolly, "Fine. If that is how you feel about it, I guess there is no reason for me to stick around."
"Guess not," James answered sourly.
She turned and stalked away, and James watched her go, wondering bitterly if he'd just ruined yet another good thing he'd had in his life.
Lily supposed she really shouldn't have been surprised to see Sirius Black sitting on the floor outside her flat. He was leaning against her door, looking for all the world as though he belonged there, and after James had decided to break into her flat at two in the morning the previous night, it didn't come as a surprise that Sirius would want to talk to her as well.
She steeled herself for what was no doubt going to be another unpleasant conversation, but Sirius just looked up at her and said, "Hey, Evans."
"Black," she said, nodding her head in greeting. "What do you want?" She shifted the books she was holding from one arm to the other. It had been a long day in the program, and she'd suffered through too many concerned glances from Emma and mocking smirks from Eliza to want to deal with Sirius now.
Sirius stood up slowly and yawned. "Someone got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning," he said with a smirk in his eyes. Then his expression grew grave and he said, "James told me about your conversation with him."
"Did he now?" Lily said sarcastically. "What a surprise." She stepped around him, ignoring the way his eyes narrowed slightly at her tone, and dug her wand out of her pocket. She tapped it against the doorknob and the locks gave way, allowing her entrance into her flat.
Sirius followed her inside and watched in silence as she dumped her books onto the sofa and turned to face him with a questioning look in her eyes.
"You're wrong, you know," he said matter-of-factly.
She raised an eyebrow. "About what?"
"Most everything," Sirius replied simply, folding his arms across his chest. When Lily didn't say anything, he lifted his chin and said challengingly, "Tell me your concerns about continuing to work on the Wolfsbane potion, and I'll counter them."
"My concerns? You mean besides the fact that it is ruining my life and all of my dreams?" Lily demanded. "Besides the fact that I'm not sure I can even get anywhere on the potion? Besides the fact that I don't think it is a good idea to give werewolves the ability to become more efficient at killing people?"
Sirius laughed, and she was slightly surprised by how hollow it sounded. "More efficient?" he asked quietly. "Evans, all a werewolf has to do is figure out who he wants to target, and then hang around that person at the full moon. A potion isn't going to change that."
"Without their minds, there is no way they can guarantee that they will bite their target…" Lily started, but Sirius cut her off.
"It worked well enough for the werewolf that targeted Remus."
That comment was enough to give Lily pause. She had no idea how Remus had been bitten, and it had never even occurred to her to wonder about it.
She swallowed uneasily. "Remus was targeted?" she asked quietly.
Sirius nodded. "Yeah. Yeah, he was." He ran a hand through his hair, and for a moment, the gesture reminded Lily so much of James that she couldn't help but role her eyes in response to it. Sirius didn't notice her reaction, though, and continued, "There are bad wizards in the world, but you don't withhold magic from everyone just because you're afraid of a few of them letting their power go to their heads. Or do you think we should shut down Hogwarts and deprive everyone of an education so that they don't have the ability to do any real harm if they turn out bad?"
"That's not the same thing," Lily protested weakly.
"Yeah, it is," Sirius countered. "You don't know the story of what happened to Remus, Evans, but let me tell you… the one thing we can learn from it is that the werewolves that want to hurt people… they'll find a way to reach their targets with or without a potion. By not working on the potion, the only thing you're doing is depriving good werewolves of a chance to escape their curse."
Lily didn't answer right away. Then she sighed and said, "You were all being reckless and stupid. You could have killed someone."
"We never did," Sirius replied. "Remus never hurt or bit anyone."
Lily snorted derisively. "That makes him lucky, not smart."
"I can't - won't - just let him suffer," Sirius said firmly, refusing to back down even as Lily narrowed her eyes at him.
"And the rest of us? The ones you put in danger?" she demanded.
"Finish the Wolfsbane potion, and Remus won't suffer. We won't have to stay with him to keep him from killing himself. He won't put anyone else in danger. Everyone wins," Sirius replied.
The redhead closed her eyes for a moment, thinking of Healer Lanwick's promise that Lily wouldn't move on to the next stage of the program if she continued with the Wolfsbane potion. She sighed, shaking her head.
"Everyone but me," she muttered. Opening her eyes, she looked at Sirius intently, then said, "So it's all on me? The burden to make everything better… you won't take responsibility for your stupidity but I'm supposed to give up my future for this? Just like what Potter said. Somehow, it's all my fault."
"I think…" Sirius started.
"And why should I care at all what you think?" Lily interrupted spitefully. "You're just going to agree with Potter, and I've already heard his complaints."
Sirius studied her face for a long moment, and she was struck by the strangest sensation that he was looking for something in her. She didn't know if he found it, but after a moment, she saw a look of sympathy creep into his eyes.
Then he said, "Merlin, you don't even see it."
"See what?" she snapped irritably, suddenly wishing she hadn't even bothered to come home. Maybe it would have been better if she'd just avoided this whole conversation by leaving the moment she'd noticed Sirius at her door.
"You're still stuck on Snape," Sirius said flatly.
"
I… what?" Lily asked, stunned. It took her a moment to find her voice again. "What does Severus have to do with anything?"
"He was your friend, right?" Sirius said. "Best friend? You two were inseparable, even after being sorted into different Houses. But then he started going down a path you didn't like, and you couldn't stop him, and one day he decided to call you that word."
Lily rolled her eyes. "Spare me the story, Black," she said coolly. "I don't need reminding; I lived through it, remember?"
"Yeah, and you never got over it," Sirius replied. "It keeps coming back to haunt you, but you're so damned convinced that you're in the right that you don't stop to think about why you are reacting the way you are."
Lily narrowed her eyes dangerously at him. "You have no idea what you're talking about," she spat.
Sirius stared at her for a long moment, then said flatly, "You're not the only one who has lost someone they cared about to pureblood prejudice."
Once again, Lily found herself momentarily at a loss for words.
Who would have imagined that Sirius could surprise her so many times in such a short conversation?
Of course, just the fact that he'd shown up to talk instead of yell and scream at her like James did was a surprise. She never would have imagined that he would be the level-headed one in any situation.
Sirius scratched at the back of his head and shifted uncomfortably. "Look, Evans, I get it. Believe me, I get it. You loved him." He waggled his eyebrows suggestively and added, "And he definitely reciprocated it."
"He was my friend," Lily said, flushing darkly. "That's all." She'd never felt anything more than friendship for Severus, though if things hadn't turned sour she supposed that could have changed. Still, Mary had told her on more than one occasion that Severus felt something more than friendship for her, and Mary was generally more perceptive than Lily when it came to boys.
Sirius giving a barking laugh, but didn't press the issue. Instead, he said, "You cared about him. And then he threw you over for the Dark Arts. And you couldn't do anything about it. You couldn't stop him from going down that path and you couldn't convince him that pureblood prejudice is wrong and that he really needed to pick better friends. And it make you wonder about standing up for what you believe in… because if you can't save the one person from your childhood who matters to you, then what's the point? Why continually put yourself through the pain of fighting for your beliefs when you can't win?"
Lily found herself quite abruptly dangerously close to tears. His words were cutting deep into her, and she couldn't ignore them, couldn't stop the complicated emotions that were welling up in her chest. It was too much to think about, but how could she discount what he was saying when it was so blatantly true?
In an effort to turn the conversation, she asked with a brittle smile, "Are we talking about you or me?"
Sirius didn't answer the question, but his eyes grew a shade darker. He paused for a moment, then said, "Snape is buddies with Malfoy and Lestrange now. He's gone. You can't get him back and you can't change him. You can't save him. You can't make a potion or a spell or anything that will fix this."
"I know," Lily said venomously. "You don't need to remind me of that, Black. I lost him years ago."
"But you can still help Remus," Sirius said pointedly. "And if you're so damned unhappy with the way he's dealing with his curse, you can talk to him ad he will actually listen." The softness that had filled his voice since he started talking about Snape disappeared, and he said in a much colder tone, "But that thought never occurred to you, did it? You decided the best solution was to call Remus a monster and just give up."
Lily wanted to defend herself, but wasn't sure what to say. Everything Sirius had said had been true. Every word had been accurate. And at the time, she might have known that her words to Remus were harsh, but she hadn't thought of them as unfair. Even if she had uttered them in anger, she'd still believed them.
But now…
Her cheeks were flushed with embarrassment, and she wrapped her arms around herself almost defensively.
Sirius smirked ever so slightly when he saw the guilt and shame in her expression. It didn't give him pause, didn't make him hesitate or choose his words carefully. Instead, he seemed to grow colder, angrier, and when he spoke, his tone was filled with mocking and derision.
"You wanted to help Remus, and he disappointed you, and so you automatically compared him to Snape. And that's the problem, isn't it? You can claim the moral high ground and pretend this is about protecting the world from evil werewolves, but it isn't. Because when you decided not to work on the Wolfsbane potion anymore, you weren't thinking about Remus and you weren't thinking about werewolves and you certainly weren't thinking about protecting innocent people. You were thinking about what it felt like to have your best friend call you a Mudblood in front of half the school."
Lily dropped her eyes to the floor and didn't respond.
"Oh, and in case you are wondering just how well Remus listens to his friends, to the people whose opinions actually matter to him… you convinced him that he is a monster and doesn't deserve any better than to be treated like an animal," Sirius added scornfully. "Congratulations, Evans. You're the only one who has ever managed that."
While You Tell Me Stories by Dawnie
Chapter Notes: The beginning of this chapter goes backwards in time a bit from the end of the last chapter. It takes place on the same night that James showed up at Lily's flat (though a bit earlier in the evening), and the rest of the chapter takes place the day after the James/Lily conversation.