A Miracle For Christmas by Hypatia
Chapter Notes: As previously mentioned, Baby, It's Cold Outside was written by Frank Loesser in 1936.
and Let The House Elves Sing was a suggestion of TheCursedQuill.
–What exactly is Operation: Christmas Cookie?†Remus asked suspiciously.
–Sorry, Moony. Strictly a need to know basis,†Sirius called back over his shoulder. –Just give Wormtail the message.â€
Remus had no intention whatsoever of being Sirius Black’s personal message service. He also decided that the Hufflepuff Keeper could take care of Sirius’s plumbing problem when he felt up to it. The newly liberated festive Remus then went in search of Alicia Fawcett, only to find that she was snogging a Hufflepuff Beater underneath some of Sirius’s mistletoe.
Casting about for something - anything - else to look at, Remus instead decided to focus on a bunch of mistletoe hanging closer to him, without any amorous couples underneath it. Only then did Remus note that while the plant did have white berries, the leaves didn’t look the way he remembered them; they looked more like blackberry leaves but without the thorns on the stems. He couldn’t recall ever having seen a plant quite like the one Sirius had so casually created.
–What are you looking at?†Lily asked.
–I was… never mind…†Remus mumbled. He hoped Lily hadn’t seen him gawking at Alicia and her new beau. He frantically cast about for a different topic of conversation. –How did Artemis Lovegood end up with James’s glasses?â€
Lily shrugged. –I saw him standing under a bushel of mistletoe and asked the nearest girl if she’d mind returning Potter’s glasses to him. Why, was it some clever plot to get me under the mistletoe with him?â€
Remus couldn’t help but smile. –Wouldn’t have been a very subtle plan, would it?†A thought then occurred to him. –Lily… you didn’t happen to be aware of the fact that James is partially colour-blind?â€
–No, I had no idea,†she replied a bit too quickly before changing the topic. –You lot must already be regretting inviting the Hufflepuff Quidditch team.â€
–What makes you say that?†he asked.
–Well, the Keeper who’s being sick, the Beater who’s kissing Fawcett, and the Seeker who’s being chased by… is that a goose? Anyway, he’s about to knock over the tree.â€
A loud crash confirmed Lily’s prediction, but Remus was more focused on an earlier part of her statement than the fact that his Christmas dinner appeared to be running amok throughout the house. –What makes you think I’d care who Fawcett kisses?â€
Lily smiled knowingly. –I saw you staring. It’s all right Remus; your secret’s safe with me.†She grimaced a bit before adding, –Especially since you seem to be one of the only people here who will chat with me for more than five minutes before remembering that they need to get another bottle of Butterbeer.â€
Remus looked at her in sympathy. –I’m sure they’ll come around. We’ve all known you for years and you know that you have friends here. You can always talk to me, Peter, Sirius… I suspect you’ve already realized that James would be thrilled if you were to acknowledge his existence…â€
Lily blushed slightly as Remus continued his list. –You could talk to that group of Hufflepuff girls… well, it might be more that you could giggle with them, I’m not sure they actually talk much…â€
As if on cue, the group of fifth years burst into a chorus of giggling. Remus was still wondering how they’d ended up at the party as he seriously doubted their host knew any of their names. He continued to scan the room for friendly faces. –Oh, and don’t forget Harold Greengrass: I think he’ll talk to anyone about Herbology as long as they stand still long enough…â€
–Lupin!†Lily chastised, clearly worried that Harold would overhear.
Remus grinned back at her before saying, –I’m just trying to make the point that any number of people would be happy to talk to you.â€
–I know,†Lily sighed. –Trust me, these past few months have really shown me who my real friends are.†She looked over towards Victoria and added in a softer tone. –Though, I suppose I can’t blame them for wanting to keep their families safe.â€
–I’m sure you and Williams will smooth this over,†Remus told her. –She’s probably just too embarrassed to talk to you because her parents wouldn’t let her invite you over.â€
–Thanks, Remus,†Lily replied, brightening up a bit. She looked over towards Victoria again. –Maybe you’re right.â€
Unable to help himself, he pretended to look at his watch, –Goodness! Look at the time! I think I need another bottle of Butterbeer…â€
Lily swatted his arm but laughed anyway. –You had better be careful, Lupin, or I might not keep that little secret about you staring at Miss Fawcett.â€
–I’ll have you know that I wasn’t staring at her, instead I was wondering if this stuff is really mistletoe,†Remus replied stiffly. He could feel his face growing warm but hoped the plant would be a sufficient distraction. It definitely would have distracted Greengrass.
–Are you implying the guests have been kissing under false pretences?†Lily asked coyly.
–What’s all this about kissing?†Sirius asked as he pulled James with him into the conversation.
–We were just speculating on if this stuff you claim is mistletoe, is in fact the real thing,†Lily replied impishly.
James grabbed a bunch of it. –Looks like mistletoe to me,†he announced in the deepest voice he could manage.
–I don’t know,†Lily added, examining it more closely. –I think Remus is right. It doesn’t look like how I remember mistletoe… the leaves aren’t right.â€
–That is perfectly good mistletoe and I will thank you to stop disparaging my hard work,†Sirius informed them in mock haughtiness.
–No, I really don’t think it is,†Remus argued, once again examining the white berries and pointed leaves. –They look more like leaves you’d find on brambles.â€
–They do, don’t they?†Lily agreed, clearly enjoying herself. –I’m sorry, Black. This is obviously sub-standard mistletoe; you’ll have to inform everyone to stop snogging.â€
–Care to make a wager?†Sirius asked.
Lily blinked in surprise. –What sort of wager?†she asked suspiciously.
–Well, if you’re so confident about this not being mistletoe then I think we should ask Harold Greengrass over there. He’s top notch at Herbology so we’ll agree that his ruling is final. When he says that it is in fact mistletoe, you have to kiss James here underneath it.â€
Red spots appeared on Lily’s cheeks and she quickly looked at Remus. He could only shrug in reply. He wasn’t that good at Herbology and didn’t know for certain who was right.
–Fine,†Lily agreed, her eyes sparkling. –But when he says that Remus and I are right, you and Potter will have to sing a duet for all your guests.†Lily then offered her hand to Sirius. –Deal?â€
–Deal!†Sirius replied, brimming with confidence, and completely ignoring that James’s face had fallen upon hearing the word ‘sing’. –Oi! Greengrass! We need your expert opinion over here!â€
Harold Greengrass soon made his way over. Sirius was grinning hugely. –Greengrass! Would you mind identifying this plant for us?â€
James held up the debated plant and Harold looked it over carefully before exclaiming, –That’s amazing! I’ve only ever read about them before; they aren’t native to Britain… but shouldn’t you be using gloves to hold it?â€
–What are you rambling on about?†Sirius demanded. –It’s mistletoe!â€
Harold started to laugh. –That’s definitely not mistletoe. I’m fairly certain it’s poison ivy.â€
James dropped it and yelped, –You’ve poisoned me!â€
Harold quickly explained, –Actually, you’ll just get a very itchy rash in about a week. However, you really ought to get rid of that stuff. Oh, and don’t burn it, that’ll just inflame your lungs too.â€
Remus looked at James with sympathy. Lily seemed to be having a coughing fit and excused herself, followed by Harold who was now lecturing her on the many differences between mistletoe and poison ivy.
James then turned to Sirius, –It’s not that I don’t appreciate your help, Padfoot, but at this rate I’ll be lucky if I survive your Christmas party.â€
Sirius patted him on the back reassuringly. –Not to worry, Prongs. Forget the mistletoe, or poison ivy, or whatever it is. Wormtail and I are about to move on to a better plan.â€
–That’s what I was afraid of,†James groaned. He added in a much quieter voice, –I can’t sing.â€
–I know,†Sirius informed him. James enjoyed singing; as of yet, no one particularly enjoyed listening to him. –However,†Sirius continued, –I anticipated this might happen, and have a solution.â€
–You anticipated losing a bet to Evans regarding the authenticity of your mistletoe and having to perform a Christmas carol with James?†Remus asked skeptically.
–Of course not, I’d have come top in Divination if I had foreseen that… and probably would have created actual mistletoe. I just thought it might be useful to make sure Prongs has a singing voice tonight.â€
Out of the corner of his eye, Remus noticed Gustave, the large gray goose waddle behind the threadbare sofa.
–Perhaps you two can discuss which song you’d like to perform while fixing the tree,†Remus suggested.
–And where are you going?†Sirius asked.
–I’m just going to see if Peter needs any help in the kitchen,†Remus replied serenely. In reality he simply planned on getting himself another Butterbeer and hopefully discovering what Wormtail was up to. He obviously wasn’t cooking the goose; thus, he was most likely working on the mysterious Operation: Christmas Cookie.
He slipped into the kitchen only to find Peter quietly reading a potion’s instructions aloud to himself, –Add three drops to food to cause the intended person to become infatuated with…â€
Remus nearly lost his temper then and there. He couldn’t believe Peter and Sirius would stoop to giving Lily a love potion. Neither could he imagine that James would have agreed to it. Peter still hadn’t noticed him, and Remus quickly slipped back out, leaving the door open only a crack.
Peter didn’t hear him and continued, –Side effects may include excessive giggling, dry-mouth and Freudian-slips. Do not attempt to Apparate long distances if…â€
Remus then watched Peter open the potion bottle over a plate of cookies. He couldn’t tell which cookie Peter had put the potion on though, as Peter had his back to the door. Once he had finished, Remus made his entrance.
–M-moony! What are you doing in the kitchen?†Peter asked nervously, while guiltily stepping in front of the newly tainted platter of cookies.
Remus smiled pleasantly. –I just thought I’d grab another Butterbeer and see how the cooking was coming along.â€
The stove had four pots on it, all but one of them boiling over; the fourth was smoking and creating a smell that was roughly as pleasant as that of James’s burnt hair. Remus also couldn’t help but notice that he’d walked into a rather large sticky spot on the floor and that there were eggshells and syrup on the countertop. He suspected his own mother might faint if she ever saw her own kitchen in such a state.
–It’s coming along really well!†Peter replied, tossing Remus a Butterbeer before attempting to usher him back out of the kitchen. –It might look a bit disorganized right now… but really, I have everything under control.â€
–Really? Because the last time I saw Gustave, he was headed for Sirius’s bedroom,†Remus replied. –Shouldn’t he go in the oven soon?â€
–I suppose,†Peter replied, gulping nervously.
Remus offered, –I can look after all this while you go catch him.â€
–Maybe you could catch him instead?†Peter suggested hopefully.
–Wormtail, you almost make it sound as though you’re trying to keep me out of the kitchen,†Remus replied lightly.
–No, no, of course not!†Peter hastily answered. –I’ll just run off and get Gustave… You’ll look after all this while I’m gone?â€
–Of course!†Remus answered pleasantly, waving to Wormtail. As soon as Wormtail was out the door, he pocketed what was left of the love potion. He was slightly horrified to see that the tiny bottle was nearly half empty. How much of the stuff had Wormtail used? Ideally, Remus would simply have thrown out the offending cookie; however, he still had no idea which of them was actually tainted. Now he needed to get rid of the entire platter of gingerbread cookies.
Suddenly struck by inspiration, Remus popped back out of the kitchen and hurried over to the sofa he’d last seen Gustave hiding behind. Remus was painfully aware that Alicia Fawcett was staring at him as though he was a nutter as he got down on his hands and knees in an effort to cajole the Christmas goose out from behind the furniture.
–Gustave? Come here, goose… Come on Gustave…â€
Gustave wasn’t having any of it. He hissed and snapped at Remus, who realized that sweet-talking his dinner into coming out was about as likely to work as one of Sirius’s schemes. Instead, he withdrew his wand, aimed it at dinner and muttered, –Petrificus Totalus! Accio Gustave!â€
With all the dignity he could muster, Remus then put the frozen goose under his arm and marched back into the kitchen. He didn’t dare make eye contact with Alicia. Once back in the safety of the kitchen, Remus lifted the jinx and proceeded to feed the entire plate of gingerbread cookies to the greedy Christmas goose.
–I couldn’t find Gustave anywhere!†Peter announced upon his return.
–Not to worry: he found me,†Remus replied, gesturing to the large goose on the floor.
Wormtail’s expression changed momentarily. –That’s… that’s great Moony. I’ll just… have him in the pot in a couple of ticks.â€
–He ate a plate of cookies,†Remus mentioned casually. –Extra stuffing, right?â€
Wormtail looked even more uncomfortable than before, but forced a large smile. –Right!â€
–I’ll get out of your way,†Remus offered before he excused himself. As he left, he could hear Gustave frantically honking.
Remus then went in search of James. He ought to know what Operation: Christmas Cookie had actually comprised of. Besides, James was the only one who’d ever been able to make Sirius listen to reason.
It took Remus some time to find James and Sirius, mainly as he had expected them to be out socializing. Instead, they were holed up in Sirius’s bedroom, scribbling on a piece of parchment.
–Moony!†James exclaimed upon Remus’s entrance. –Just the chap we need! What rhymes with ‘snake’?â€
–Er… ‘lake’, ‘break’, ‘fake’, any number of words… Why do you ask?†Remus hardly thought this was the time to compose a poem for Lily. He also doubted the romantic nature of a poem that Sirius was helping with, especially if they needed a rhyme for ‘snake’.
–It’s all your fault, Moony, so you really ought to help with this,†Sirius informed him. A few of the witches in Sirius’s posters nodded in agreement, though the ones of Muggle girls remained still.
–How is any of this my fault?†Remus asked hotly, while trying to ignore the distracting posters; he wasn’t about to let the love potion incident slide.
–You had to play Herbology expert and falsify my mistletoe!†Sirius explained, as though Remus were being especially thick. –So the least you could do now is help us write the song we’re going to perform.â€
–First, I think we need to discuss your Operation: Christmas Cookie,†Remus replied. He turned to James, –Did you know they were planning on giving Evans a love potion?â€
–WHAT?†James spluttered, dropping the quill he’d been writing with and dripping ink splotches all over the carpet.
–Don’t be ridiculous, Moony,†Sirius replied arrogantly. –We weren’t going to slip Evans a love potion.â€
–Then what were you planning on doing with the love potion I found in the kitchen?â€
–We were going to give a little bit of it to all the other girls at the party,†Sirius explained.
Remus and James simply stared at Sirius.
–Wormtail figured if we gave a very mild love potion to the other girls at the party, they’d talk James up… you know, tell Lily what a great guy he is… maybe even make her a bit jealous.â€
Remus still didn’t think this was one of Peter’s better ideas, but he had to admit, it wasn’t anywhere near as bad as he’d suspected. –You still can’t be going around giving love potions to…â€
Sirius waved away Remus’s protests. –It wasn’t a strong love potion to begin with and Wormtail wasn’t going to give anyone a full dose. At most, they would have thought James’s new bald spot really suited him.â€
–Hey!†James felt the back of his head, still clearly bothered by the earlier mishap.
–Now, since not only did Remus get us into this singing mess, but he also thinks I’m the sort of person who goes about preying on innocent girls, I think the least he can do is help us write this song.â€
–Whereas, I think the least I can do is, in fact, nothing,†Remus replied, flopping down on Sirius’s red and gold bedspread.
–Oh, come on, Moony,†Prongs wheedled. –I’ve had enough mishaps already and I think Evans has grown fonder of me. Maybe if I can pull this off it’ll impress her enough…â€
Remus looked at James with pity; no rational human being would believe that Lily Evans could ever fancy James Potter. He was about to try to let James down gently but then saw the shiny new bald spot reflected in the mirror above Sirius’s chest of drawers. Tonight didn’t seem a particularly good time to crush James’s hope, nor did it seem the sort of thing one ought to do at Christmas. Remus wasn’t actually certain what holiday was best suited to destroying all hope… possibly Valentine’s day. James was still looking at him expectantly.
–Fine,†Remus sighed. –Let’s see what you have so far.â€
James happily passed the parchment they’d been scribbling on. After only a few lines Remus started to snicker. After about ten minutes of corrections, he handed the parchment to Sirius.
Sirius glanced over it. –Not bad, Moony! But does the last line really rhyme?â€
–No, it doesn’t,†Remus admitted. –But I think you’ll agree that it’s about as good as it’s going to get. Besides, Evans will probably like it.â€
–True. And let’s face it, thus far my first two plans haven’t exactly been a roaring success,†Sirius replied, handing the new lyrics to James.
James looked them over carefully before adding, –Well done, Moony! Now, Padfoot… how is it that I’m not going to make a fool of myself singing this?â€
–Don’t worry about that,†Sirius replied jovially. –You ought to be worried about looking a fool when you sing with Evans. I hear she has a fantastic voice.â€
–I’m not singing with Evans,†James stubbornly announced, crossing his arms over his chest. –I don’t care about your Operation: Two Turtledoves; I’m just not doing it.â€
Sirius didn’t reply, but merely raised an eyebrow.
James continued, –Why would you think that I’d ever agree to such a barmy plan?â€
–Trust me, Prongs. You’ll want to sing this song with Evans,†Sirius replied. He handed another piece of parchment to James, who quickly scanned through it.
James began to unconsciously play with his hair. –It’s not that I don’t like your… er, special alterations to the song, Padfoot, but it still doesn’t change the fact that I can’t actually sing it.â€
Sirius then proudly pulled a small bottle from within his robes. –You can with this,†he replied, tossing the potion to James.
–What is it?†Remus asked.
–It’s a Bellavox Potion,†Sirius replied. –Guaranteed to make even a crow sound like a nightingale… for a little while.†He turned to James and added, –Just pour it into a glass and drink it right before you have to perform and voilà : guaranteed to impress Evans.â€
–Well done, Padfoot; you do think of everything!†James carefully pocketed the tiny bottle before making his way back to the party.
Remus however, was still curious. –And how are you going to con Evans into agreeing to this… by the way, what song is it?â€
Sirius smiled in reply. –First of all, I don’t recall saying she’d have an option. Secondly, do you remember that song… Baby It’s Cold Outside?â€
–Yes, I believe it is now permanently etched into the brain of every Gryffindor student. Come to think of it, the Ravenclaws might have been able to hear it too. I meant to ask you Sirius, how in Merlin’s name did you not end up in detention over that?â€
Sirius grinned. –Well, as you know, I did get hauled into Dumbledore’s office, but it turns out that he was surprisingly supportive of my ‘efforts to imbue the staff and students with holiday cheer’. Turns out he loves waking up to music, though he did ask that I use more variety. He lent me his copy of Let The House Elves Sing and told me I could keep it up as long as I played his favourite carol too.â€
Remus laughed. He’d nearly forgotten that Professor Dumbledore used to insist on everyone singing the school song at the beginning of term; he’d also forgotten the mutinous looks Dumbledore had received from the staff. Now that he thought about it, forcing everyone to wake up to holiday music did seem the sort of thing Dumbledore would support.
–So, I understand why Dumbledore would think it was a good idea… but really Padfoot, what were you thinking?â€
Sirius crossed his arms behind his head and leaned back. –I was hoping you’d ask, Moony. I’m actually quite proud of this. You see, I needed to blast that song all over the castle so that everyone at the party would know it.â€
–Well, I think it’s safe to say that you accomplished that spectacularly,†Remus informed him.
–Yes, quite,†Sirius agreed. –Well, you might know a bunch of Muggle songs, but James and I weren’t raised listening to them. I’m willing to bet half the people here never would have heard that song if not for my help.â€
–You are truly a patron of the arts,†Remus added sarcastically while rolling his eyes.
–Well, there wouldn’t be a lot of point to get Prongs and Evans to sing the song for everyone if no one’s ever heard it before,†Sirius pointed out.
–It won’t matter, Padfoot,†Remus argued. –There’s no way she’ll agree to do it.â€
–Moony, once again you underestimate me,†Sirius interrupted. –I went to the trouble of getting Nick’s help with this one.â€
–Nick? You mean St Nick?†Remus asked, even more confused.
–Of course not, you muppet; I meant Nearly Headless Nick. He supports my plan.†Sirius then added as an afterthought, –Of course, that may be because I told him he had to if he wanted to come to the party.â€
Remus rolled his eyes. –That might have had something to do with it.â€
–Still, you have to admit, Moony, all things considered the party’s going quite well,†Sirius informed him.
Remus nearly agreed. Then they saw the scene which was unfolding in the living room.