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A Miracle For Christmas by Hypatia

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Chapter Notes: God Rest Ye, Merry Hippogriffs is from OotP
You're A Mean One, Mr Grinch was written by Dr Seuss with music composed by Albert Hague (then the Marauders and Hypatia had some fun with the lyrics).
Baby, It's Cold Outside was written by Frank Loesser in 1936 and then Hypatia mangled it (with some help from Sirius).
Let The House Elves Sing and Heat the Cauldron Up, It’s Snowing Outside were suggestions of TheCursedQuill.


Apparently Gustave, the Christmas goose, had ingested enough potion-tainted cookies to fall madly in love with none other than James Potter. The goose had been searching wildly for the object of his affections and had finally found him. Gustave was currently hissing furiously and snapping at anyone who tried to approach his new love interest.

–What the Dickens is that goose doing in my living room?” Sirius demanded.

Remus quietly replied, –Well, if I had to guess, I would say that Gustave might have eaten your Operation: Christmas Cookie.”

Sirius glared at Remus before focusing on the kitchen door and shouting, –Peter! Get in here!”

Peter appeared moments later, looking quite flustered. –Yes?”

–Why is Christmas dinner in the living room instead of in a cooking pot where it belongs?” Sirius asked, clearly on the verge of losing his temper.

Peter bit his lip. –Well… it’s just that Gustave…”

–I told you not to name it!” Sirius barked at him. He started towards Gustave. –I’ll wring its neck myself!”

James took one look at Peter’s face and spoke up. –Aww, lighten up Padfoot. Neither of you have the faintest idea how to cook this thing anyway. Besides, didn’t I tell you that I wanted a guard-goose for Christmas?”

Remus then muttered quietly to Sirius, –Besides, who knows what will happen if we all eat a goose that’s full of love potion.”

–Fine, the goose lives,” Sirius relented. –Merry Christmas, James.”

Peter was clearly pleased with the outcome. –Thanks,” James replied as Gustave snuggled up against him. Catching Sirius’s eye, James added, –You really shouldn’t have.”

Remus couldn’t be certain, but he thought that Lily was looking at James a bit differently. Sirius then made an announcement, –Good evening, everyone. It may have come to your attention already that the mistletoe is actually poison ivy.”

Most of the guests looked rather unsettled by this news, but Sirius continued, –Not to worry: you can still kiss under it; just don’t touch it. More importantly though, James and I lost a bet to the lovely Miss Evans regarding the authenticity of the mistletoe. In order to fulfill our end of that bet, we are now going to perform a song.”

Sirius clearly had everyone’s attention; even Gustave seemed excited. Remus took a few moments to fumble with his gramophone and soon everyone could hear the melody of You’re A Mean One, Mr. Grinch.

James and Sirius began singing together.

–You’re a mean one, Voldemort!
You really are a snake.
You're as cuddly as a Kappa,
And as slippery as a Shrake,
Voldemort!”


James then sang in a surprisingly good voice:

–You're a pasty vampire,
who’s heart could use a stake!”


Remus looked around the room while marveling at how well the Bellavox Potion was working. Most of the guests seemed to be enjoying his lyrics, though he noticed several seemed unnerved by the flippant use of Voldemort’s name.

Sirius started to sing the second verse alone:

–You're a monster, Voldemort!
Your nose is but a hole.
Your brain is full of Doxies.
You've got Dungbombs in your soul,
Voldemort!
Your aroma is less pleasant than a
putrid Mountain troll!


James stepped forward to take the last verse. Remus, kept an eye on Lily to gauge her reaction to the final line of the song, which he was particularly proud of, even if it didn’t rhyme terribly well.

–You're a vile one, Voldemort!
You have eyes of scarlet red.”


–Or brown?” James mouthed to Sirius, before resuming the next line of the song.

–You have all the tender sweetness
Of a hungry Quintaped,
Voldemort!
Given the choice between the two of you,
I would rather date the giant squid!”


Lily burst out laughing, before turning beet red. No one except Remus seemed to notice, as James and Sirius were enjoying a round of applause from the assembled guests.

Sirius put his hands in the air, calling for everyone’s attention again. –And now, without further ado, the ghost of Gryffindor Tower, who will also be filling tonight’s role of the ghost of Christmas past, has an announcement to make.”

Nearly Headless Nick floated towards the middle of the floor, his head wobbling precariously. Remus assumed that Operation: Two Turtledoves was about to begin. He still couldn’t imagine Sirius’s plan actually working though.

Nick looked around the room, clearly enjoying having so many people’s attention. He was carrying a small piece of parchment with him, and began to read from it. –As you probably already know, I, Sir Nicholas de Mimsy-Porpington, have been the ghost of Gryffindor Tower for nearly half a millennium. In that time, I have witnessed many Christmas traditions, but none are dearer to me than that of the Head Boy and Head Girl Christmas duet.”

James did his best to subtly pour the last of the Bellavox Potion into is Butterbeer and quickly finished it off. Peter leaned in and whispered to Sirius, –I’ve never heard of the Head Boy and Head Girl Christmas duet.”

–That’s because I made it up,” Sirius quietly explained. –Sounds good though, doesn’t it? I really ought to suggest it to Dumbledore next time I’m in his office.”

Nick continued, –This year, I’m especially looking forward to the duet as both the Head Boy, James Potter, and the Head Girl, Lily Evans, are Gryffindors, who I am sure will do our house proud in this time-honoured tradition.”

Several Gryffindor students cheered at this. Lily Evans was not among them. Instead, she was looking at Nick in a deeply suspicious manner.

–I’ve never heard of this tradition,” Lily informed him, her arms crossed.

–Really?” Nick asked, clearly uncomfortable. –I thought everyone would have…”

Sirius jumped in to rescue his plan. –Now, Evans, we honoured our bet and sang our duet. I’d hate to think you’re going to disappoint all these people and refuse to do your part for this bit of Hogwarts history.”

Lily looked as though she would very much like to start a new tradition of ‘hex the Sirius Black’, however after looking at the group of assembled people, she grudgingly replied, –And what would this ancient song of Hogwarts tradition be?”

–Glad you asked, Evans,” Sirius replied, handing her a piece of parchment. –It’s an adaptation of Baby It’s Cold Outside.”

–Ah, yes,” Lily replied dryly. –This obviously is a centuries old tradition. And I suppose, you’ve already heard of this duet, Potter?”

James nodded in mock seriousness. –Of course, didn’t you read about it in Hogwarts: A History? Now, I’ll admit that part of me was hoping that we’d get out of it, but I just don’t think I could let all these people down, Evans. Besides, it’s part of my duty as Head Boy.”

–I suppose I don’t really have a choice, do I?” Lily sighed, looking around at a room full of expectant people before turning to glare at Sirius.

–Not if you want to uphold the sacred duty of Hogwarts Head Girl,” Peter interjected with as much seriousness as he could muster.

Remus started towards the gramophone again but Lily interrupted him. –Hang on, Lupin. If I’m going to be manipulated into singing this song, at least give me a chance to skim over the words first.”

–That seems fair,” James agreed.

–All right,” Sirius announced. –While Evans familiarizes herself with our beloved Hogwarts’ Christmas song, how about all the Gryffindors here sing God Rest Ye, Merry Hippogriffs? I’m sure you’ve all learned the words by now!”

Despite several groans at the outset, Sirius proceeded to lead his fellow Gryffindors, Nearly Headless Nick included, in a surprisingly rousing rendition of his favourite holiday song. Not to be outdone, the Hufflepuff Quidditch team then performed Icky the Abominable Snowman.

Remus tried to catch Alicia Fawcett’s eye, but she seemed to be looking at the Beater she had been kissing earlier who was now singing in a deep baritone voice. His heart sank but he reminded himself that everyone was probably watching the Hufflepuff Quidditch team. Upon looking about the room, Remus noticed that one person in particular wasn’t watching the Hufflepuffs: Lily Evans didn’t even raise her head as she studied the piece of parchment in her hand. Remus couldn’t tell if Lily was unfamiliar with the Hufflepuffs’ song or if she was simply busy trying to learn the one Sirius had handed her. By the time they reached the second chorus, most of the other guests had joined in. Remus couldn’t help but think that it was a rather perfect moment, standing around the newly redecorated Christmas tree with his three best friends. Despite his many misgivings, he was really enjoying Sirius’s party.

As the song came to a close, Artemis Lovegood stepped forward and informed those gathered that she and her friends would be singing Heat the Cauldron Up, It’s Snowing Outside. Artemis boldly stepped forward, practically dragging Rachel Moody and Alicia Fawcett with her. Remus found himself quite pleased to have an excuse to stare at Alicia. To his delight, he noted that she was no longer looking at the Hufflepuff Beater. In fact, she wasn’t looking at anyone, but kept staring at her feet and blushing in a manner which Remus thought was quite endearing. He couldn’t actually hear Alicia’s singing, but imagined that she likely had a lovely voice. Had he been paying closer attention to the other girls, he might have noticed Rachel Moody staring at Sirius.

After the girls’ rather sultry song finished, Sirius once again got everyone’s attention. –Well, I think it’s high time these two turtledoves got around to singing their duet!”

His statement earned him a glare from Evans, but a good deal of applause from most of those gathered. Encouraged by his guests’ reaction, Sirius added, –And of course, the traditional Head Boy and Head Girl duet is supposed to end with a traditional Head Boy and Head Girl kiss.”

–Not on your life, Black,” Lily replied swiftly.

Remus decided to start the music before Lily had a chance to change her mind about the duet.

Sirius leaned over and quietly told Peter and Remus, –Well that went better than at the beginning of term when I tried to convince her that the Head Boy and Head Girl were supposed to share a dormitory.”

–You couldn’t have actually expected her to believe that,” Remus chuckled, fondly recalling how Sirius had managed to get nearly all the students on the Hogwarts Express to confirm his ridiculous story.

Remus couldn’t help but marvel at how much Sirius could accomplish when he set his mind to it and was curious about what exactly Sirius had done to the song lyrics. He was even more curious as to whether James and Lily would get through the entire song without James or Sirius being slapped. In fact, most of Sirius’s guests were wondering the same thing.

However, when Lily’s cue came, she began to sing, –I really can't stay.”

Without missing a beat, James jumped in, –but Lily it's cold outside.”

–I've got to go away,” she replied.

Slightly bolder, James echoed, –But Lily it's cold outside.”

–This evening has been…”

James cut in, keeping perfect time, –Been hoping that you'd drop in.”

–…So very nice,” Lily finished.

James, hopefully reached out for Lily’s hands. –I'll hold your hands, they're just like ice!”

Lily, smirking slightly, snatched her hands away from James’s grasp, singing, –McGonagall will start worry.”

Smiling in spite of himself, James continued, –Beautiful, what’s your hurry?”

If Remus hadn’t known better, he would have thought that Lily was beginning to enjoy herself. –I don’t want to upset Dumbledore.”

–Listen to the fireplace roar,” James sang, putting his hands on Lily’s shoulders.

She swatted them away, replying, –So really I'd better scurry.”

James used a quick non-verbal spell and floated a bottle of Butterbeer over. –Beautiful, please don't hurry.”

Playing along, Lily conceded, –But maybe just a half a drink more.”

James turned to Remus, gave him an exaggerated wink and added, –Put some music on while I pour.”

Feigning shock, Lily added, –The students might faint!”

–Lily, it's bad out there!”

She theatrically raised an eyebrow before singing, –Say what's in this drink?”

–No love potions I swear!” answered James, throwing his hands up in surrender.

As the pair continued the song, Remus couldn’t help but think it a shame that Lily had never shown any interest in James. Everyone was clearly enjoying their performance, even Lily, in spite of herself.

By the time they reached the third verse, Remus almost believed that Lily had grown rather fond of James, who had somehow managed to sneak an arm around her shoulders. Gustave was hissing with jealousy behind his leg, but was otherwise behaving himself.

–The Fat Lady will be suspicious,” Lily sang.

James leaned in close to her. –Gosh your lips look delicious!”

–Filch will be watching the door,” she answered, taking a few steps back.

James followed, pointing out, –That’s what secret passages are for.”

Lily continued, –The Slytherins’ minds are vicious.”

James leaned in for a kiss, but Lily managed to avoid it. Looking somewhat awkward he sang, –Gosh your lips are delicious…?”

Remus winced. James’s voice had cracked horribly on the last line.

Lily nearly missed her place. –…But maybe just a Butterbeer more.”

James’s voice continued to crack and squeak on his next line. –Never such a blizzard before.”

James became increasingly embarrassed as the effects of the Bellavox Potion continued to wear off. However, he continued to sing, if it could really be called singing as he wasn’t even remotely close to the correct key.

–This is painful,” Remus whispered to Sirius and Peter.

–I know; I can hear him too,” Sirius replied grimacing.

–We’ll create a distraction,” Remus announced, as he grabbed Peter by the arm and hurried him into the kitchen.

Moments later, Victoria Williams leapt wildly onto the sofa while screaming at the top of her lungs, –RAT!”

Peter helpfully scurried all about the floor, causing many of the guests to scramble out of his path. All thoughts of the traditional duet vanished immediately. As a final touch, Peter chased the Beater whom Alicia had taken an interest in. Remus couldn’t help but feel a bit smug as his rival ran about the house shrieking like a little girl.

After having thoroughly terrorized the majority of the guests, Peter ran back into the kitchen. Shortly thereafter a loud bang was heard and Peter emerged, in human form. –Not to worry, I took care of it,” he reported.

–Thanks, Wormtail,” James told him quietly. –You really saved me out there.”

Peter shrugged. –It was Moony’s idea.”

–I give up,” Sirius informed his three friends. –No offense, James, but it would take a miracle to get you and Lily together. I mean… not only have each of my plans failed…”

–They’ve failed spectacularly,” Remus finished for him.

–Well, I’ve got a bald spot, been thoroughly soaked, kissed the wrong girl, been poisoned, have a lovesick goose after me and just made an utter fool of myself when your potion wore off early.”

–But other than that, you’re having a good time?” Sirius asked, unable to keep a straight face.

Peter answered for his friend. –Of course he is: Evans is here and not once has she called him a toerag.”

Remus snorted. To be fair, it had been well over a year since he’d last heard Evans refer to James as a toerag.

–By the way, Peter, there’s something I’ve been wondering… If you’re out here, what’s happened to dinner?” James asked.

Peter shrugged. –I made bangers and mash.”

–That’s… not exactly Christmas food,” Remus pointed out.

–No, but I actually know how to make bangers and mash,” Peter explained. His eyes suddenly widened and he dashed back towards the kitchen. –And they’re probably burning by now!”

It wasn’t long before all the guests were eating slightly blackened sausages with rather lumpy mashed potatoes.

In an effort to liven things up, Mary MacDonald suggested playing a game entitled ‘Christmas Truth or Dare’. –I’ll go first,” she explained, turning to Harold Greengrass. –Christmas Truth or Christmas Dare?” she asked.

Harold looked rather confused, but replied, –Er, Christmas Truth, I suppose.”

–All right,” Mary replied, –Harold, what’s your favourite Christmas tradition?”

–Well… I guess I’d have to say the traditional Head Boy and Head Girl duet,” Harold replied, grinning. He then turned to Artemis Lovegood. –Christmas Truth or Christmas Dare?”

–Christmas Dare!” Artemis announced.

Harold looked utterly perplexed at what he ought to do next. –Umm… I Christmas dare you to…”

Harold looked about helplessly. –To go make a snow angel outside.”

Artemis looked slightly crestfallen at Harold’s lack of creativity but hurried outside and completed the dare.

She then turned her attention to Sirius. –Christmas Truth or Christmas Dare?”

Sirius grinned wickedly. –Well, obviously Christmas Dare!”

Artemis bit her lip and smiled. –Fine. I Christmas Dare you to kiss Rachel under the mistletoe.”

Sirius rose to the challenge, not even bothering to remind everyone that it was actually poison ivy.

After about thirty seconds, James piped up, –I think that counts for having completed your dare, Sirius.”

Remus noticed that Rachel Moody was quite red-faced as she returned to her seat, but looked fairly pleased nonetheless.

Sirius was now surveying his guests with an evil expression, carefully evaluating which would be the best target.

–Remus! Christmas Truth or Christmas Dare?”

On the one hand, Remus knew it would be madness to accept any sort of dare from Sirius Black. On the other hand, he didn’t want to appear too afraid of Sirius’s dare, even if it were a perfectly rational fear. –Christmas Dare.”

–Excellent!” Sirius replied. –I Christmas Dare you to sit on…” Sirius pretended to scan the room. –Alicia Fawcett’s lap and tell her what you’d like for Christmas.”

Remus resolved to only ever choose ‘truth’ in future. He also resolved to promptly murder Sirius Black the moment the party was over. In the meantime a scarlet-faced Remus very awkwardly hovered over Alicia’s lap while pointedly announcing, –I’d like to kill Sirius for Christmas.”

Most of those assembled laughed good-naturedly, Sirius included. Remus still felt mortified as he made his way back to where he had been sitting. He wanted to get back at Sirius, but Sirius had just had a turn. What Remus needed was to choose someone else who could give Sirius a hard time. –Evans, Christmas Truth or Christmas Dare?”

–Christmas Truth,” Lily replied.

–What’s the best Christmas present you ever got?” Remus asked her.

Lily’s face froze and Remus immediately knew he’d crossed some sort of line, but couldn’t imagine what he’d done wrong. He had thought he’d been generous in giving her an easy question.

He could tell from across the room that Lily was upset. –A necklace,” she replied tonelessly. She quickly turned. –Pettigrew, Christmas Truth or Christmas Dare?”

Remus wasn’t even paying attention as Peter attempted to dance to music from The Nutcracker. Normally he would have deeply enjoyed watching Peter attempt a pirouette. However, he noticed Lily quietly excuse herself and decided that he really ought to apologize for having upset her, though he was still at a loss as to what he’d said wrong.

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