Well, Carole, I promised myself after I’d abandoned you and your lovely stories that I would pop in and drop you a nice, long review. So here I am! First of all, I love this story for its unique look at Marauder Era. You don’t use clichés; you use original ideas and work your way through an interesting and new plot. It’s a true talent to be able to avoid clichés and unoriginality as you do.

I really like your Marauder characterisation through this chapter. Be honest, are my jokes funny?” / Remus shrugged. “Not particularly.” / “I thought not. So why does she keep cackling at them? I mean even Wormy told me to shut up,” James complained.This seems to be one big rebellion from MWPP clichés. James isn’t arrogant enough to think his jokes are funny, and Peter isn’t the shy and timid being writers often portray him as. Peter’s willing to stand up to his friends to a certain extent, rather than simply worship every detail of them.

Sirius wasn’t listening but was looking into the distance. “I no longer exist,” he said thoughtfully. “That’s what Regulus said. They must have blasted me off the damn tapestry – just like Andromeda.” I really like this part, as I sense, although you don’t explicitly hint at it, that he’s saddened by his brother’s words and the prospect of being ‘blasted’ out of his family’s existence. He knows he put himself there, so he can’t blatantly express his sadness, but it’s there nonetheless. I really enjoyed how you brought Regulus into this part, just so we could get some insight into Sirius’s character, despite the chapter being in Lily’s POV.

I found the part when McGonagall tells the girls that their friend was attacked quite thrilling to read. A horrible circumstance only to be brought on by Death Eaters and Voldemort. I like that you acknowledge that until this moment, the girls are fairly naive to the situation they are in, and that the war is only just beginning. “I don’t think we expected anything like this to happen to someone we knew,” finished Lily in a small voice. This phrase sums this up perfectly. They’re now entirely in the know, and understand the bleak future they are headed for. So well done for this part!

“Rodney, here,” continued James, “is a Muggle-born and a huge fan of mine.” / “He said he was a Quidditch fan, Prongs,” Remus stated, “not a fan of you personally.” I love the humour here; it suits the Marauders perfectly. And they do seem the type to carry on joking and laughing to lighten a dark time. Good job for capturing their characters well here.

Nitpick time! :P

“You should eat that,” said James, pointing to the pumpkin pasty, “whilst it’s still warm. This is just a really minor characterisation thing, but I think James would be more inclined to say ‘while’ than ‘whilst’. ‘Whilst’ seems more proper and formal, and James has never really protruded those traits.

“Duelling practice? Really, boys, you should wait until you’re in school at least, I hate deducting points this early on. There’s a run on sentence in this. There should be a full stop after ‘least’, or perhaps a semicolon. Personally, I’d go with the full stop.

He glanced at the floor appearing to notice Lily forthe first time. You need a space between ‘for’ and ‘the’ and also a comma after ‘floor’.
“Course not, sweetheart, I’ll see you later, maybe.” I think this should read instead as ”’Course not, sweetheart. I’ll see you later, maybe.”

“Professor McGonagall,” she began. “I cannot tell you anymore than I said in my letter. I would like the perpetrators to come forward and I really think that given time they will, so I do not wish to ... err ... inform on them.” I think there should be a comma after ‘began’. I also found through this that Lily seemed a little too proper and well-spoken. She’s a teenager. I think you get away with it as she’s speaking to a teacher, but it is something to consider.

He felt for his wand that he’d stowed under his robe; his eyes never leaving Snape’s face. The semicolon should be a comma here. If it had been ‘his eyes never left Snape’s face’ you would use the semicolon, as it’s its own sentence.

By far his most favourite pupil, he trusted Lily’s version of events far more than Mulciber’s. This sort of shifts to Slughorn’s POV, when so far it’s been Lily’s. You can easily fix this to remain consistent and have it read Lily knew that Slughorn liked her, and would trust her version of events far more than he would Mulciber’s. Or something along those lines.

You do shift POV quite a bit in this. It becomes a little disjointed and confusing for the reader. You started one part with Remus as the narrator, but then change to Lily quite quickly with no ‘*’ to indicate the change. Just be careful with your perspectives, and consider whose POV you’re writing in before you allow that character to leave the room and carry on with the story.

Overall, Carole, you’ve written a quirky and entertaining chapter as usual. The characters continue to do new things and develop in ways that others have never written before. Your writing has also improved drastically; you’re adding bits of description here and there to aid your readers along the way. It’s great to witness this, so keep it up!

- Cassie

Author's Response: Thank you, Cassie, for such a well-thought out, informative and wonderful review. It means a lot to me that you enjoyed it, and that you think I've improved. I have fixed the nitpicks. You're right about Lily, who is the person I struggle with the most. I'm also aware that they all sound a bit too adult at times. I really need to start hanging around with teenagers again - LOL. Although a seventies teenager would be quite different from a Trio or Next Gen one. (where's my Timeturner?) Now, James I do see as being fairly formal because I think his parents are. I also think Sirius is reasonably formal although they would both start toning down their 'proper' voices as soon as they left the confines of their homes.

POV switches. Mmm, I know. It was something you always pulled me up on. I guess I get bored with one person's thoughts. Perhaps I need to think of the third person omniscent and make it more obvious that I'm switching POVs.

Thank you again for the review, but ... can't you see how much I need you, Cassie? *winks*

Carole xxx

Eep. I'm excited for the rest of this story. You've started it wonderfully and I can't wait till they get to Australia. I've attempted to write this same idea before, but failed miserably. Although, I did use the plane idea, too. It'll be good to see Ron's reaction. I'll keep reading, dear. Good job. ~ Cass xox

Author's Response: Yay Cass! Thanks for your kind comments, dear. And I'm sure you didn't fail miserably! *rolls eyes* *squishes*

Wow, KASK.

Your writing is really beautiful. You seem to capture emotions really well, and in this particular story, Dom's anguish is portrayed wonderfully.

I love that she never told anyone, because she knew what the consequences would be.

Love or family? Family. This is good characterisation, showing how very 'Weasley' she is. I love that you can represent her pain and also show that she's still a good person despite it.

The interaction between Bill and Dom is wonderful; definitely how I could see Bill as a father. He's well connected to them and keeps a level-head during their conflict.

It’s not easy to live with a rainbow. I love this line. I can see how Dom would feel out-shone by Victoire, and the ten months thing that you brought back in at the end is great.

The only thing that wasn't perfect for me was when Teddy says he had thought about the ten months as well. It seemed as though that could be something left unsaid, because saying so would only lead to more regret. Other than that, the moment between Teddy and Dom was really believable and honest, and I loved it.

This was a really interesting idea and you did it extremely well.

~ Cassie

It's not often that I read slash fics, because the pairings usually don't interest me. Narcissa/Lily? An entirely unlikely pairing, and yet you've made it completely believable in this one shot.

Slash fics are rarely emotive enough for my liking, and simply rely on using the individuals confusion and worry about what the other person will think of them. You've avoided this completely, and it's worked extremely well.

Even in a situation that is so not 'canon', you've characterised these girls extremely well.

“What do you want?” the girl asked, managing to convey a tone of haughty superiority despite her startled state. This I loved as it captures her character perfectly. It's easy to lose a sense of who characters are when writing romance, but you keep them well in line!

I also liked how you don't showJames and Lily's relationship in a good light; it makes the Lily/Narcissa relationship seem all the more plausible for your one shot.

Threading the fire and cold through the story was done really well, and I didn't pick out any flaws.

I loved it. :)

Author's Response: I'm glad that you enjoyed it, even though you broke your norm. Thanks for the review!

I read this chapter a while ago, and I've been meaning to come back and review it. So here I am. First of all, I adore this story and usually say it's one of my favourites when asked.

This is probably because of your flawless characterisation and excellent dialogue. This is interesting, because we don't actually know much of Regulus anyway, but I truly believe you've captured him perfectly.

This quote from James “I know that they practice bloody Dark Arts and support a man who tortures and kills Muggles for a hobby. I know that you – you sleep on your stomach because the open wounds on your back are still fresh. I know that not one of them deserves your defence, but you defend them anyway because you love them in a way that they’re incapable of.” is really amazing.

Now, most people write Sirius as one who hates his family and will bad-mouth them at any opportunity. You've portrayed the complexities of his family life in a way that most writers couldn't comprehend. I like that you've written him drunk, because we get to see how he really feels.

The tension between James and Reg is great as well, and I love that they both agree about Sirius' drinking, but still find a way to argue. The humour in the 'drunk scene' is underpinned with the dark themes of the story, and I love that.

The only thing that caught my attention while reading this for the first time was that Adele just appeared out of nowhere - “I’ll come,” I opted, and let go of Adele’s hand reluctantly. I know it's totally irrelevant, but having a brief sentence about them meeting up would have improved this. Basically I'm being really picky because I struggle to find the flaws in this chapter.

Also, I'm not sure if you're British or American, but I think they'd call them 'jelly shots' rather than 'jell-o shots'. I might be wrong, but I always thought 'jell-o' was purely American. Again, this is an insignificant detail, but something to consider.

Now, the last few lines of this chapter make me really eager to read the next, so you've done that really well. I ask myself now: if I’m a genius, why didn’t I see the folly in my plan? I love that it's a reflection in present tense, which suggests this is Regulus looking back at his own life. I myself am trying to write something like this at the moment.

Overall, an excellent chapter that has me wanting to read the next. Which I shall do right now.

~ Cassie

Author's Response: I... really?! O.O I'm like insanely flattered that this is one of your favorite stories. Speechless kind of. Ah, you're probably spot-on about the jelly shots. I'm pretty sure Jell-O is actually like an American brand come to think of it... XD I'm very much American, and if not for my beta that would have been more painfully obvious than it already is. Wow, that's awesome that you caught the present-tense insert at the end of the chapter. Indeed Regulus is looking back on his life, and this comes into play at the end of the story. Ooh, good luck with your current project. Well, you've inspired me to submit the next chapter. :D Thank you so much for the thoughtful review, I appreciate it madly.

Okay, I just tried to submit this review about five times, and it kept cutting off at the second paragraph. I realised it was my own error, so my apologies if MNFF emails you with every review :) Anyway...

Maddy, this is a brilliant chapter. Once again, I was immersed in your characterisation and knack for painting a really vivid image of what’s going on for your readers. I’m often in awe of your writing; the light and colour motif through this chapter was especially nice to see.

I have to comment on the first scene with Voldemort in this chapter. Honestly, it took my breath away. I’m not normally as engrossed into a story as I was with this particular point in yours. His voice was power, poison, clarity. This line is absolutely brilliant; it captures Voldemort perfectly. I’m mostly amazed at how well you’ve written him. In most fics that involve Voldemort, the reader can’t help but feel removed from the story simply because of the poor characterisation of him. Not once was I removed from this chapter because of characterisation issues. There’s no reason to suggest the way you’ve written him isn’t entirely canon. You are lost – I offer you guidance. You are weak – I offer you power. You hover on the brink of death – I offer you immortality. You’ve summed up his character really well simply in his own dialogue.

The initiation scene was something I was eager to see from you. I myself would never have braved it, but you’ve done it surprisingly well. I like that you kept it simple and avoided some extravagant scene that would ultimately be over the top. No theatrics. No pain. From this I got the impression that you’d read an initiation scene in a fic before, and this was your attempt to avoid a stereotype. Regardless of this being true or not, I think it was a good choice to write this the way you have. Personally, some pain wouldn’t have been too bad to see, but I guess that if we’re taking Voldemort’s character into consideration, he wouldn’t have wanted to inflict paint on his new followers for fear of scaring them off too early. So, all-in-all, good job for this scene.

Elise is an interesting character – a Death Eater who appears to have a little bit of a heart. We’ve never really seen this in Jo’s world, aside from Regulus himself (and Snape, I guess). She’s practical, cut-throat, and I think these are qualities a female Death Eater would need to have. I think – and this is entirely personal opinion – that she kind of changes the circumstance a bit. She and Regulus seem to be getting fairly close as friends, and I wonder, had this friendship been a part of ‘canon’, if Regulus would still have been as uncomfortable being a Death Eater as he was. So, because of this, I’m a bit on the fence about her being a good character for this story. I hope that makes sense...

I loved the scenes involving Adele in this chapter. She’s an excellent character, and allows us to see a softer side of Regulus, but then eventually a darker side. He’s willing to abandon his friendship with her to remain on his parents’ good side. I closed my mouth when I realised who I would inevitably sound like. From this I get the feeling the main reason he’s able to cut himself off from Adele is because of his desperate need to be someone different from his brother; after all, Sirius would never have ended his friendships for his parents.

I quit liked the Bible reference. I must have taken a wrong turn, or perhaps dozed off, somewhere between sunlight and Noah’s ark and the colour of rainbows. This is cute, and I love its continuation of your colour motif. It’s a really good device to use for a story so intense; it allows a sense of consistency and comfort for your readers. Also, I like how you had Voldemort discuss how religion has failed humanity. This, and the ‘Muggle Bible’ reference, gives this story another layer which your audience can attach itself to; you’re connecting the two worlds really well.

The only nitpick I managed to find was: “But Sirius, what about you–” I think there should be a question mark before the quotation mark.

The final scene had me all excited too, wondering if Sirius was going to end up hospitalised. I found myself smiling at the fact that Lily showed up. Unexpected, but appreciated.

My favourite chapter so far. I’m excited to see where you go next.

- Cassie

Author's Response: WOW. Thank you profusely for another amazing review!!

First of all, thank you about my characterization of Voldemort. I really tried hard to convey him as someone almost frighteningly charming when he wants to be. I tired to keep the scenes with Voldemort in them to a minimum in this fic because overusing him, in my opinion, takes away his ability to frighten. He always has to remain slightly unpredictable, enigmatic, to retain his scariness. I'll be interested in your opinion of how I characterized him in chapter five, when that comes about -- I struggled a lot more with keeping him in chracter in that chapter.

Agh, the initiation scene. That was one of the last scenes I wrote for the story, just because I was dreading writing something large and extravagant. Every Death Eater initiation scene I've ever read has been a painfully extravagant affair, and I've been guilty of write the exact same kind of initiation myself. I don't think there's anything wrong with it, persay, it can be pulled off well, but I decided with this one to go against the cliche of some crazy, sacrificial rites type of thing. In a way, I think that something clean-cut and simple like the initiation I wrote sort of would be scary in its own way; if you're expecting something completely mental and cult-like, I think you'd be bound to feel, as Regulus did, cheated or somehow tricked, like you missed something along the way. And I think that's how Voldemort would want his recruits to feel. ;)

What you said about Elise does make sense. I think you're right, that her presence does make Regulus a little bit more comfortable at first. At this point in the story, he feels pretty comfortable being a Death Eater. Not much has really deterred him yet, and he believes that not everyone there is a horrible person. In a way, that was the reason he probably joined in the first place. I think, as the story progresses and he begins to realize what these people stand for, he'll become sufficently uncomfortable, with or without Elise's presence.

Yep, I think most of what Regulus does in the early chapters of this story is a desperate attempt to differentiate himself from his brother, who is completely overpowering, whether he means to be or not. And ironically, Regulus's actions in later chapters stem from a desperate attempt to make himself more similar to his brother. Right now, I don't think he knows what he really wants to be like.

I'm a huge fan of the religious allusions, as you've clearly noticed lol. I always thought of this whole story as sort of a manic-depressive attempt to bring everything, all of it, together: science and religion, Muggles and Wizards, good and evil. Kind of lofty aspirations, I guess, and I'm not sure I pulled it off in the end. Thanks for that nitpick, I'll change that.

I'm happy this was your favorite chapter so far; unexpected, but thanks. I can't wait to see what you think of the next one. :D Thanks, and I mean, really, THANKS for being such an amazing reader and reviewer. You really inspire me!

Wow. What an interesting representation of Cho's character. This is an especially dark fic, and although I'm not usually likely to read a fic with the non-consensual sex warning, I quite enjoyed this one.

You seem to write dark fics extremely well; your style of writing suits angst and the darker themes. The entire concept of Cho’s desire for feeling, and exploiting herself to get it, was handled with honesty and maturity; that’s often a challenge hard to overcome for writers.

Strictly speaking, this is an improbable turnout for Cho, but you make it seem entirely possible with great characterisation and attention to detail. At the end her character seemed to lapse slightly, with her upfront-willingness to put herself out there and offer herself to the bartender. Before this scene, she appears to be fairly weak and unlikely to offer herself to someone, but instead succumb to the offer issued by someone else. It’s not a major characterisation fault, however; just something that I noticed. But, I suppose this is simply your way of proving to us how much she has changed over time.

The man who calls himself a Professor has me thinking. Before he even mentioned the word ‘Professor’, Slughorn popped into my mind. Are my assumptions correct, or am I off the mark completely? If I’m right, including him was a lovely little twist, and, again, you’ve made something improbable seem believable.

The only nitpick I’ve found was “ Crucio!” There’s an unnecessary space before ‘Crucio’.

I love your imagery, and how you occasionally give us Cho’s precise thoughts. Again, your style of writing is something I adore to read. Very refreshing, as dark fics are often attacked half-heartedly by fan fiction writers.

“I’m not gonna be able to help you with that,” the bartender told Cho.

She only shrugged. “It’s fine. No one does.”

This ending was quite powerful, and summed up the theme of the story entirely. I get the sense from it that Cho is defeated; nothing will fulfil her. The fact that you didn’t have a typically happy ending made me appreciate the story even more, somehow.

Overall, I really enjoyed this and would love to see you work with minor characters more often. Your Cho was done extremely well.

~ Cassie

Author's Response: Thanks! The Professor in question was not Slughorn. It was Amycus Carrow when he's teaching in DH. Cho opens up to the bartender because she's very drunk at that point, and the man she just saw is someone whom I described as kind of an older version of what Cedric might have looked like. So, Cho is feeling a little raw because she's just seen someone who is opening a very painful wound for her, and let's never underestimate how emotional people can become when drinking.

Hi, Afifa :)

This is a really nice little one shot, and you capture James' misery really well. His sadness about loving her and getting nothing in return is brought across brilliantly, so well done on that.

I did find through this story that I was unable to connect with James, as why on earth would he love someone that's constantly mean to him?

I think, when writing James/Lily, it's important to avoid portraying Lily as the exact same person we see in Snape's Worst Memory: the girl who yells at James for being a prat. She had reason to yell at him then, but does she when he simply approaches her for conversation? That's just something to think about for future fics.

I quite liked how you wrote Sirius; he makes it evident that he cares a lot for James and hates to see him hurt. I know for sure Sirius would have felt this way, but also think he'd be too embarrassed to say it quite as openly as you’ve written. However, given the situation, Sirius should be going to extremes to prevent his friend getting hurt, so what you have is plausible.

There are a few paragraph problems in this; sometimes they’re directly underneath each other without the appropriate gap. I think this happened three or four times.

Some other nitpicks:

Prove her that I wasn’t the ‘immature git’. Should this be Prove to her?

‘Prongs…’ he started as he reached me. After an ellipsis that is used before a dialogue tag, you should use a comma. So it’d be ‘Prongs…,’ he started. There are a few other places in this fic that would need this changed as well.

Merlin knew how much I needed luck. But I did and I would put it in full use of wooing Lily. This sentence is a bit awkward. The But I did doesn’t seem to fit. Maybe it should be Merlin knew how much I needed luck, and I would put it into full use for wooing Lily.

Overall, the emotion in this was my favourite part. While I think Lily was a little bit mean for my liking, James was your strong point. This story calls for a follow-up story! I’d love to see how you get them together, at last.

~ Cassie

Hello, SPEW Buddy!

I’m intrigued by this pairing. Obviously it’s rarely explored, probably because Lily’s the older girl. It’s interesting that you’ve written her to still lust after Regulus even after he called her a name. I personally think she’d rather ignore this young boy who has called her names than entertain an interest in him. But the concept was interesting, nonetheless.

I think you wrote Regulus in a fairly unique way. It would have been easier to simply have him fall for Lily too, but you tried a different route which, I believe, is far more realistic. The only thing that’s slightly strange about your characterisation of him is: “People like you and people like me … We just … We don’t. That’s all there is to it.” He seems to be stuttering and is slightly lost for words. This is odd as you’ve written him as if he’s already considered his words. The ellipses and pauses in sentence seem out of place, considering how calm and unperturbed he seems as he says “They say you’re smart, Evans, but I’m inclined to disagree.” etc.

Your use of present tense worked well in most aspects of the story, however at times I felt I couldn’t connect with the piece simply because of tense, and maybe the perspective. I think, had you chosen to use first person, readers could have been drawn in more with the story. Most of the time the style was successful, but at times it did seem a little forced.

For example: A voice in her head says she hasn’t been looking for Regulus because she could already tell that he wasn’t here, but she tells that voice to shut up. You’ve got ‘could’ and ‘wasn’t’ in there, which disallows sentence flow. Perhaps this could be fixed to be something like A voice in her head tells her that she hasn’t been looking for Regulus because she assumes he isn’t even here, but she tells that voice to shut up.

There were several moments like this throughout the story when I felt your tense was slightly off. As if you’re not considering when things are really happening, but writing them anyway. Perhaps it’s just a personal thing, but it did prevent me from connecting with your story, unfortunately.

You do provide some nice little descriptions throughout this which I appreciated. There are pixies flitting around above their heads to provide some ambient light, and there are glittery, whispy curtains of spider web hanging from the ceiling. I really like this; it gives the reader a lovely setting to picture the characters in. Also, you’ve misspelled wispy.

Nitpicks:

glares glaring at his parchment Do you mean eyes glaring?

That’s about one of the only similarityies between them This should be similarities.

(But she knows she can’t hide a gasp, only pretend that she didn’t.) This sentence is awkward. I think it should be But she knows she can’t hide a gasp; she can only pretend that she didn’t.

(She didn’t dress up like this for Regulus,; of course she didn’t. You’ve used both a comma and a semicolon. I think it should be a dash rather than either of those.

He’s James has been acting strange all evening, looking at her in a way that is confusing. You need to delete either He’s or James has.

because he wasn’t important anyway. This should be isn’t if you want to keep tense consistent.

These are just really minor, insignificant mistakes that could be prevented by the use of a beta, or your own second read-through.

Overall, you’ve written a really interesting take on an undiscovered pairing. I’d love to see further exploration of Lily/Regulus from you. Although I think I prefer the way you’ve written it in this; a proper relationship between them is pretty unrealistic.

- Cassie

Hello again :)

You continue to hold my interest throughout this chapter, and I love the amount of detail you provide. It really shows your connection to the story and your research skills. These are wonderful things to have as an author.

While I do love learning about DID in your fic, I found that the way you wrote out the facts removed me a little from the story, in that they were just written our facts that weren't blended very well into the narrative. I think instead of plainly saying Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) is a psychological disorder... etc, to continue the flow of the story, you could have had it read something like "Dr. Brennan knew that Dissociative Identity Disorder was psychological, and that it ..." and then go on to say what you've already said, but wording it from Dr. Brennan's perspective. This way, the facts becomes more personal, because I felt that I was perhaps reading a written report during these parts, rather than a story.

I love your reference to Sybil, and the way you explained in the End Note who she is worked well for that, and allowed the reference to blend into the story without need for explanation within the dialogue or narrative. I think this would work well for the other parts I've mentioned too.

There are a few technical errors running through this that could be smoothed over by a beta. The recurring mistake that I found was the absence of a comma in dialogue that addresses some one. For example: “Hey Nathan, I need to talk about a patient,”. A comma needs to appear after "Hey" because Nathan is being addressed. This appeared in other aspects of the fic too. This is just for future writing's sake though :)

I have a feeling you'll be introducing more elements of the magical world into this fic fairly soon, because otherwise I fear you're forgetting this is Harry Potter fan fiction. While I love these Muggle characters and their knowledge of the disorder, a magical perspective would be lovely to see. Or at least more magical detail!

These things aside, you're shaping the beginning of a very interesting fic here. Congratulations on that, and update soon :)

- Cassie

Author's Response: Thank you for such a wonderful review Cassie, Part of what encouraged me to keep writing one day was the thought of a review from you. :)

I know my commas are awful. I try my best.

Not to sound narcissistic, I was pretty pleased with the paragraph I wrote on DID in this chapter although I see where you're coming from.

My next few chapters do have more references to a magical world, and I'm planning to build up these references so there are more and more in each chapter.

Thanks again for R&Ring! ~Twitchy