I've been saying for months that I'd review one or the other of your epics, and seeing as how I stayed up until 3 am a week ago to catch up on this, I think the time has come.

I could go through the chapter and comb for small grammatical errors as I usually do when reviewing, but if I had any grammatical disagreements with you it would probably be about commas, and I doubt you want to hear about commas. My biggest quibble about anything is Draco thinking to himself that Eastwrithe is the perfect name for the village. Somehow it didn't seem to me a very Draco-like thought.

What I love most about your stories are your characters. You write one of the most believable Dracos I have read. He is not a good person, but he is thoroughly believable. He looks out for himself above all else-quite the proper Slytherin! He has some attachment to his parents, but not a great deal. He has motives and motivations. He's not always incredibly smart or cunning, which is another pitfall I often see in Draco characterizations. In the context of the story, he is real.

Then, of course, there are Severus and Maeve. I'm a Snape fan (*gaspshockdie*), so I don't know whether it's that I read more Snape-centric fics or that the quality of writers who write Snape is better than average, but I've read several Snapes who are really quite excellent. Yours is certainly one of them. You write the best “Snape in love” I have read. I love reading your descriptions of his actions and mannerisms, and I constantly smile or even chuckle at the dialogue you write for him. Maeve is … Maeve. I don't think I can say more than that. I absolutely love how you write the interactions between the two of them. The tenderness is sweet, especially given Severus' acerbic personality. Their mutual frustration and worry makes their relationship real. When they interact, I feel like both of them are in the room with me (or maybe I'm in the room with both of them). They make me smile. They make me bite my lip in apprehension. And most concretely, they make me keep reading.

First of all, I love the premise. The idea of lost witches and wizards is both logical and original. It's a lovely little plot bunny, and you're doing it justice.

The opening is brilliant. It's very Ron, and it sets the tone for the chapter. The repetition of Ron constantly wishing he were somewhere else serves as a motif and unifies the chapter. This chapter is not a collection of scenes but a cohesive chapter, and this motif is part of what makes it work so well as a chapter.

Another small nitpick is on the term Codex Nominis. Your capitalization is consistent throughout, but I think it's incorrect. The Romans were weird about capitalization, but I think that if they capitalized codex they would also capitalize nominis. Together they form the proper noun, so together they would be capitalized. Also, it's usual to be consistent in capitalization between English and Latin. If it's The Book of Names in English, then it should be Codex Nominis in Latin.

Seren dear, this is beautiful. And as I often find myself saying when I've read one of your stories, thank you for sharing it with us.

First of all, m'dear, I have to say that I love the idea for this story. How very original! I've seen (by now) a couple of different drafts of this chapter, and I have to say I really like what you've done with it. I know you've experimented with person and point of view, and I think that you've made a good decision about how to tell the story. :: showers with love and adoration ::

Moving on… Time for… constructive criticism! I've spotted a couple of typos and words that don't quite make sense. The honest answer held as little weight with the Healers as they did with Sam himself. Your subject is “the honest answer,” which is singular, so you should have 'it' instead of 'they.'

One thing I really love is how you use the time. Sam is acutely aware of how much time has passed since he has entered St. Mungo's. For one thing, it shows us how momentous the experience is for him, and how strange. The motif of precise time lends a sense of urgency to the story, which works really well. It also adds focus to the story, which really highlights the quality of the writing. This is really excellent. I know you're busy, but please do keep working on it when you have the time!

Author's Response: *squee* Thanks Lian. I know I troubled you with my fretting and sighing over this chapter, and you\'re a dear for putting up with me in the first place. :) But I\'m so thrilled that you liked it, and that you took the time to give me the concrit--which is particularly wonderful in this case, because I didn\'t take a beta, and had only had myself for grammar. Goodness knows it\'s not my favorite thing in the world. :P But I\'m so happy to have you to pick up on things for me--who knows where I\'d be without you?! Thank you so much love, it really does mean a whole lot to me. I certainly will keep working on it--especially for you. :)

Well, Haal, I have to tell you how absolutely gripping this story is! I meant to be a sensible person and read and review the first chapter, but no, that wasn’t possible. I couldn’t stop myself, and so here I am reviewing the most recent addition to this lovely story!

Now, I am the queen of nitpicks (:: points to tiara on head ::), so it’s off to nitpick land we go! In the fifth paragraph from the beginning, you have It now lay in shambles; grey piles of charred wood, brick and debris lay strewn across the cobbled main street. While technically what you have is not incorrect, I think you should change it either to a colon (:) or to dashes (––) because you are providing description and expanding on the statement given in the previous clause. Technical, I know, but that’s me for you.

All right, enough nitpicks. I have a lot of good things to say about this story, but to keep this review to a reasonable length I’m going to talk about what I specifically liked in this chapter. First of all, I really liked your characterization of Ron. Ron’s a tricky character to write well, but you did a great job with him. You captured both his almost naïve innocence and his iron determination very well. His character really leapt off the screen!

I absolutely LOVE this story so far! You have me totally hooked. I may get behind on it sometimes because my schoolwork does tend to pile up like that, but I will certainly be reading the rest as it comes out.

This is Lian, reporting for reviewing duty. First of all, I can't tell you how happy I am that you wrote another story. This is, in terms of what you take on in the chapter, a major step up from the things you've written in the past. Reading it, I can see why you felt the need to chose a new penname. Congratulations, beta dearest, you've reached a whole new level.

In general I like the idea of this story. You set a big challenge for yourself, which you should, because you're that good a writer. I'm warning you in advance that my comments on this are very extreme in both directions. Please bear with me through the criticism and don't take it harshly. You know how honest I am. And rest assured, my criticism will be followed by praise.

The major problem is the dialogue. I talked to Nan about it and she affirmed my guess that you had purposely left out quotation marks. While I can see why you would want to do so stylistically, it doesn't work. You could use italics instead, but I see your point (also conveyed to me by Nan) that you were using italics in a different way. I agree that italics won't work here; the ending would not work nearly so well because it wouldn't be clear that it was meant differently. I'm guessing that you wanted to leave out the quotation marks to create flow and contrast with the “present” time. Whatever your reasons, I think they are outweighed by the need for clarity. Maybe I'm just ridiculously tired, but I had a difficult time figuring out what was being said out loud and what was being thought, and sometimes even who was speaking. I found myself going back to the beginnings of some paragraphs, which is not a good sign. I know you purposely did not use quotations, but I think you should reconsider. You as the author know who is meant to be speaking what aloud, but without quotation marks it's difficult for the reader, especially the first time through. It makes sense when you go back, but one of your goals as a writer is to write clearly enough that the reader can figure it out on the first read.

There were also a couple of sentences that didn't make sense to me (again, maybe I'm just tired). She once thought magic was only for faeries and unicorns and mermaids . . . yet, seven years later, she has seen each with her own eyes. Her eyes of magic. Of Hermione. The last two fragments don't work for me. I don't mind fragments (obviously, as I use them in my own writing consistently), or rather I don't mind them as long as the author has a good enough grasp on grammar to use them properly, which you obviously do. I think my problem is “Her eyes of magic.” I'm not sure if it's the 'Her' or the 'of' that's bothering of me, but it doesn't work. I know we're talking about Hermione's eyes here (at least I believe so), but something about how it's phrased bothers me. Maybe Her magical eyes? I'm not sure. But you might want to look at it.

Okay. Now it's time to shower you with praise. The opening: wham. It has beautiful imagery and impact, dear. What makes it even better is how you come back to it. I really like things that come full circle, and you do it quite nicely. In the beginning it is unified and compact. In the end, it is fragmented and drawn out, which really builds the emotion and heightens the effect. It's both beautiful and difficult to pull off effectively. My love, you are blossoming.

The rhythm and cadence are extraordinary. The parallel structure, punctuated and bare of verbs, enhances the power of the emotion. It is at once barren and rhythmic. The structure conveys Hermione's pain and shock very well, and the imagery is also powerful. It's lovely, m'dear.

:: huggles beta ::

Author's Response:

Lian! This was so wonderful! *happily goes on squealing about her review* Even if I got hit on the head with clarity and spacing, which I knew someone was going to say something on. Ah well. :P

Since this summer I've read quite a few stories about Draco and his private (and often, in this context, remorseful) thoughts, and I've taken a liking to them. I liked your use of first person. I think it was very effective in drawing me in as a reader and getting me to feel empathy for his character.

I really like the opening paragraphs. They do a great job at setting the tone. However, the second sentence isn't entirely clear. We each have won and lost. I had to go back and reread that to figure out what you meant. I think it would help if you added a 'both' to emphasize your point, and possibly switch 'each' and 'have' for readability's sake. We have each both won and lost. might be clearer.

I really liked how you used four paragraphs that are one sentence each, scattered throughout the story. I've seen this technique overused in some fics, but you avoided that pitfall (and it CAN be very tempting, can't it, when you discover just how lovely it sounds…). All four of the sentences you chose to highlight were excellent choices, and setting them apart like that really let them ring.

Oh Anna dear! This is such a wonderful story! I can’t believe I didn’t get around to it before! :: squees at the talent that Anna possesses ::

I really like how you’ve taken Rodolphus, a virtually unknown but hated character, and transformed him into something entirely human. It doesn’t surprise me, because you of all people have an amazing capacity for empathy, but it’s so well done that I feel the need to comment on it. Your Rodolphus is certainly a Death Eater, but that is only the beginning. He’s wearied by years of hardship, disillusioned with the darkness of his world. I really like how you used the walls of the passageways to reflect his state of mind –– brilliant. Perhaps most compelling at all, Rodolphus is a bit lost. He’s doing what he has always done, compelled by forces he does not understand. He’s neither nice nor good, but that feeling of confusion, of meandering through life without control, is a feeling we can all relate to. It’s part of being human, and it’s very compelling.

I also really liked how you further highlighted Rodolphus’s humanity by emphasizing the inhumanity of the other characters. Lucius is a silver snake, Voldemort is a spider, and Bellatrix is inhuman in her insanity. It’s very subtly done, yet extremely effective. Both excellent and … dare I say… slightly Slytherin in its sneakiness? :: giggles and runs ::

Now, my dear sweet Anna, it is time for a bit of nitpicking. Just minor things, really. The first sentence of the sixth paragraph reads: It was only the training they had all undertaken that kept the jump of fright inside him. While nothing about this sentence is actually incorrect (so don’t fret, darling), it’s a bit confusing. Partly you have been referring to Rodolphus so far as an individual, and making him part of ‘they’ throws me off balance. Also, it’s simply more information than we need in the given situation, if that makes any sense? Also, while poetic, “the jump of fright” is rather odd syntax, and compounded with my confusion about “they all” makes the sentence difficult to read. I would rewrite this sentence to read something like “It was only his training as a Death Eater that kept him from jumping in fright.” Maybe you want to keep the image of the jump being contained inside him, but I think you should do something to make this sentence clearer. Wonderful imagery is wonderful, but if it’s not communicated clearly to the reader then it is not as effective as simpler, less beautiful writing.

A few paragraphs further down: At once he wished he had not, feeling how an invisible web of evilness spun around his hand. It should be a web of “evil,” not “evilness,” I think. Clearer, simpler, and darker.

One more little nitpick: His gaze was eventually torn away from the scene of dawn, by the box he was holding. The comma is grammatically incorrect, I’m afraid. It also cuts into a beautiful, beautiful sentence. The image is lovely, and the comma is a confusing distraction. So please, allow us to enjoy the beauty of the imagery and remove that comma.

All right, that’s enough nitpicking, even for me. :: hugs Anna :: Now it’s time for me to gush about my favorite part of the story :-P

The ending. It’s beautiful, in a dark sense of the word. I love the irony of Rodolphus being the one who first came by the knife. Rodolphus’s recognition of the irony of the knife and his realization that Voldemort planned the irony are, metaphorically, the twist of the knife. I also love the poetry of Rodolphus’s last (and only) defiance. It means a great deal if a person can, knowing they are about to die, face death with dignity rather than crumpling in fear. Even though his fate is inescapable, even though he dies at the end, the ending is still hopeful. It is hopeful because in the last hour he sees very clearly where and what he is, because he learns to refuse Voldemort, and because he finds the beauty of the sky. And truly, Anna, it is a beautiful ending. Like the haunting beauty of a dying rose.

I really liked your creativity with the potion. What an interesting poison! I thought the dream scene was slightly cliche, but the imagery was powerful enough to paint a clear picture in my mind. I absolutely love the last line!

Author's Response: Thanks a lot for the review. This was my first attempt at something like this, and I'm glad you thought the imagery was powerful enough. Also, the idea came suddenly, and in order for it to be submitted to the challenge, I could only use two characters and only had a short time to write it (as the idea was a little late in arriving :) and had to be written out quickly.) Had I had more time, I hope I would have been able to lose some of the dream's cliche-ness, so to speak. Again, thanks for the review!

There are stories which one loves for story, and they are not uncommon. But there are other, rarer stories, which one loves simply for the beauty of the writing. This is one of the later variety. The mechanics are excellent –– a necessary foundation for beautiful writing. The sentences are constructed not only logically but so that they flow easily from one to the next, pleasantly rhythmic. The vocabulary is rich, but not forced. Taken simply as words regimented into sentences and paragraphs and laced with imagery, without even considering plot or characterization, this story is pleasurable to read.

At one point Hermione muses: Removed from his sphere after only a brief stay, she had doubtlessly had a less forceful influence on him than he had with her. To make the comparison balanced, it would be better if you had “than he had on her” rather than “with her.” It’s more logical, though what you have does work. Whether or not to change it is up to you, of course, but it seemed worth bringing to your attention.

My one general criticism, relating to the story as a whole rather than this final chapter, is your characterization of Hermione. I love the woman you’ve painted, and by the end especially I see the Hermione we know from the books shining through. But early on especially I had some difficulty reconciling the two characters. Music can be equated to magic, I suppose, and given that transposition it would make sense that the most magically gifted would be the most musically talented, and you definitely showed her as an incredibly talented musician. What seems missing, particularly in the beginning, is the extreme logic with which Hermione approaches life. We see her passion, her perceptiveness, her determination, her vulnerability, and her talent, but it would be even better if we could see more of her rationality shining through.

The one major thing that didn’t ever seem clear to me (and pardon me on this one if I’m being exceptionally dense) was why Remus lives on the fringes of society in this alternate universe. He doesn’t seem to be a werewolf, since this world is no more magical than our own reality. Is he gay? Or does he have some disease? Maybe my eyes skipped over it or something, but it never came clear for me, and I kept waiting for it to be fully and clearly explained.

Beyond that one little caveat, however, I love how you’ve personified Remus. For some reason, I really can imagine him playing violin. You’ve captured his gentleness and his suffering so completely, and most of it through Hermione’s perceptions, moreover! You’ve done a great job of exploring the depths of his character, and I especially appreciated how you conceived his relationship with the moonlight.

The moonlight. The ideas of light, shadow, and night were very powerful motifs throughout this story. I really love them as motifs, especially when they’re well used. And you did an excellent job with them. The imagery in this story is just superb. You use color and light very effectively, which makes everything feel much more real, to the point where I can almost here the music.

I really enjoyed this story, as a reader of Harry Potter fan fiction, as a musician, and simply as a person. I understand why you chose violin as an instrument, though personally and sentimentally I would have liked to see Hermione playing my instrument, which is the French horn. But that’s neither here nor there, really. Anyway, thank you for writing such a lovely story for me to find and enjoy.


Author's Response: First off, thank you for reading and leaving such brilliantly composed review! It was such a nice surprise to find one so lengthy and filled with truly constructive comments. I hope to edit the story sometime, now that I\'m finally finished with it, and this is just the sort of feedback that\'s most helpful.

Thanks for catching the incongruity \"with/on\"; I think I\'ll use your suggestion. I vacillated about that word when I wrote it the while back, but reading it now it does seem to upset the general flow of the passage. =)

Hermione! The funny thing about writing this story was trying to render Hermione\'s - bookish Hermione\'s! - magic into something as artistic as music. I tried to show her rational streak in the way she has trouble loosing herself and her emotions, when the technical aspect so appeals to her. I definitely see where you\'re coming from, still, and this helps because it\'s the sort of thing that needs a readers\' perspective, as Hermione always seems Hermione in my head. =)

And as to Remus\' \"condition\" (I don\'t know if it\'s a weakness in an author to admit this sort of thing, but as you noted it I want to answer and trust you won\'t think the worse of me =)): he\'s meant to be afflicted with a misunderstood disease, but painting anything more specific than that was something I had to leave to the reader, or else never finish the story. Lycanthropy is so utterly reprehensible in the wizards\' world and werewolves themselves are generally a wicked crowd. Beside hinting at a stigmatized disease, I didn\'t feel within my discretion to compare a real condition with lycanthropy. Until I find an analogical match, I can\'t well hint that he\'s, say, gay or consumptive, in which case the ostracism would be unrealistic, or I\'d be hinting by extension that others like him are bad company. I\'m not the best person to tackle big themes, so think it better to leave it out until I know I can draw parallels *rightly*. Unfortunately it leaves a big hole in the story, but it\'s one I hope to fill as I learn more about these issues. =) (It did just occur to me that perhaps a prejudice against culture or religion would be more plausible than a disease, and when I rework the story I\'m definitely going to try to delineate this more clearly).

And as for the rest, I\'m all in a dither that you liked the words and the motifs. For me, ever since the time in PoA where Jo uses the moon to symbolize Lupin\'s fears, the moon and sky have been wonderfully evocative as symbols that relate to Lupin. I\'m so pleased that you pointed those out. It\'s all just made my week, and I am sincere about that. =) (And I think French Horn would be fabulously fitting - wish I could\'ve worked in an orchestra\'s variety of instruments!)

I stumbled on this story about twenty minutes ago, and after reading what you've posted so far, I'm going to keep reading this one. Personally I don't see Hermione becoming a Healer, though as a career choice for her I think it's much more believable than becoming an Auror. However, you managed to keep Hermione in character, especially with the last paragraph of the chapter. It was just the sort of tart remark I can see her making when exasperated.

I don't write Snape very often myself, but I read a lot of Snape-centric stories on a regular basis, and by now I can say I've read the whole range of Snape characterizations-- from completely callous to completely mushy. Your characterization of him, while slightly towards the acidic end of the spectrum, is very definitely believable. Thank you for writing him well!

In the second paragraph, you have “Well, well, Mr. Snape,” the oldest one of the Healers said in an over-hearty voice. It's definitely a choice of style/formality, but I think the Healer's voice should be described as "overly hearty" rather than "over-hearty." A small difference of syntax, I know, but "overly hearty" is more grammatically correct, especially for written English.

When Snape first responds to Harry, he says I am confined to bed, and I don’t have a wand. While there may be a natural breath there, technically the comma is incorrect and unnecessary. The sentence also reads more smoothly without it.