The other day, I was playing Age of Mythology (a variant of the popular Age Of Empires game), and a dwarf said "Are they going to Niflheim?" or some-such and I was like ROTFL! They kept repeating the word and I cracked up everytime I heard it! It was hilarious.
Author's Response: HAHAHAHA, that is brilliant! I think my friend has that game...
Wow, I liked it a lot! I was laughing at "Vaultz"!
I can't wait to see what is going to happen...
Author's Response: Thanks! It\'s fun to write! Ol\' Vaultz actually plays a role in this story, so you\'ll probably be seeing quite a lot of him, unfortunately for Emma.
Wow, this poem blew me off my feet too...You have AWESOMOTASTIC talent...
*jermeyjeremyjeremyjeremy*
I can imagine this scene, the baddies getting closer and closer, ominous music playing, and Remus and Tonks standing at the head of the table, shouting out. Yup, it plays out very well.
I like the way this is written, it flows well, the rhythm is maintained. The language is good, and it rhymes.
Absolutely perfect.
~BB
Author's Response: YAY! I is liking the reviews.....*still siding with the haddocks* Cheers!
Nice! A good start, it leaves me wondering what the plan is! You are great writer!
Though Sirius and Remus sounded a wee bit formal, they were still very well characterized, very nice!
If you need a second beta for this, you know who to Private Message!
~BB
Author's Response: Thank you! The plan is...well, you\'ll see.
WOWOWOWOWOWOWOW!
It's just... awesome! Very... very... cool!
I'm sorry for not being verbose, but I am currently speechless. I LOVED this spoof, I was singing along to all the songs I could! I loved how you made it into "The Psycho Dark Lord Of Hogsmeade"- I've always thought that "psycho" is a funny word!
And this part was just pure gold:
Wouldn’t that be smashing?
With the sea gushing foam
Like a burst aorta
Very, very well adapted and written, you are one talented gal! You really should do Sound Of Music, I love those songs! I am sixteen, going on seventeen... and of course, Do, the deer, teh female deer, Re a drop of golden sun.
Yeah... so, wonderful spoof, and please, please do Sound oF music next!
~BB
Author's Response: BADGER BOY! I\'m so glad you liked this... as for the Sound of Music, which I love, there\'s only one small problem with that-- there is a BRILLIANT Harry Potter spoof of Sound of Music online which is far better than anything I could write, and which features this chorus for the Do Re Mi song: \"S, he\'s head of Slytherin, E, there\'s envy in his heart/V, there\'s venom in his grin, E, he plays an evil part/R, he\'s really really rude/U, to every one of us/S, his surly attitude!/That\'s why he\'s called Severus!\" And it\'s really impossible for me to top that.
I really liked this humorous piece. It was fun and fluffy-- and well put together.
I think the beginning was a little exaggerated-- Ron has been trying, at this time, for quite sometime to drive, and has been driven around by Hermione as well, so I doubt that he'd scream and point his wand at the horn. Maybe if he had his wand in his hand he'd do that, but while driving I doubt he keeps it in his hand... I can't see him screaming, taking his wand out of his pocked and pointing it at the horn, even after lots of experience with cars.
However during his first drive, when he almost hit a tree, a cat and their elderly neighbour, he was extremely glad of Hermione’s presence.
This part literally made me laugh out loud. Very good insertion of humour into this fic. :D
I found Hermione's obstinacy at Ron not buying a wizarding car a little too extreme. If they need Ron to drive, what with children and stuff, and they'd possibly be doing some Muggle stuff as well, then Hermione wouldn't be so against Ron buying a wizard vehicle especially, I feel, just because she doesn't want him cheating at another Muggle activity. You could perhaps have her giving an additional argument against Ron buying a wizarding car-- maybe the cost factor.
It was late at night, as he hated to drive when other people could see him
I liked this part a lot, it shows your characterisation of Ron-- he's quite insecure about things he doesn't have/ isn't good at, and that's something we know about teenage Ron as well. So good job with the characterisation. Hermione too was characterised very well, the part where she got excited about making timetables and stuff was funny and very nice.
“It was okay, I suppose, but I noticed at least ten things you should have done differently. One fairly good drive isn’t going to make you an excellent driver, Ronald.”
I was thrown off by the use of Ronald here. He's been called that in the series maybe once or twice, other than that he's always Ron. I don't understand why Hermione would use a less personal name, especially seeing as they're married, and Ron has actually driven well.
You've shown Ron's nervousness very well, both before the theory and the practicals. I don't know if Ron would be quite that dense as to what a theory test is, though-- I mean, the name itself makes it self-evident, but it doesn't detract from the story as a whole. Both the nervousness and euphoria after the test were very well portrayed.
You're missing a few commas in the story, such as in the part where Hermione and Ron are talking right before his practical exam-- in the “Yes Dear,” and “What Hermione?” parts.
The ending was very nice-- Ron was mischevious and funny, as always. But it does give a certain whiff of potential marital discord, doesn't it? The husband lying to the wife... Perhaps good fodder for a not-as-fluffy fic in the future.
But I digress. I enjoyed the story, it moved fast and never seemed forced or clunky. On the whole, a very nice fic, Bob!
Wow! Funny! I'd love to see where this goes... Oh, and you could have a few letters from canon characters as well, with really obvious nicknames, like:
Draco, help me! I'm obsessed with immortality, and with world conquering! And I don't have a nose!
Please help me!
Mr Immortality Obsessed Snake
Here's a letter of mine:
Dear Drac A normal geek, the author sits, front of his parchment, tears streaming down his cheek at the thought of his dead relative, who was also
STOP THAT! Ok, sorry. Anyway, I recently purchased a Quick Quotes Quill from a red haired man who came selling stuff to my door yesterday It was love at first sight. The two of them looked into each others' eyes, savoring the love that was not meant to be. Their
WELL, it's gone crazy, and it's coming in and writing on any paper I'm writing o In understandable denial, the author sobs in tensed frustration, cursing all around him, including his very best Quick Quotes Qui I AM NOT SOBBING TEARS OF FRUSTRUATION! I AM NOT IN DENIAL ABOUT ANYTHING! And yet, you seem to be.. STOP IT!
Help me, Draco!
And fast!
Thanks,
Haunted
Shaking his head, the author stands up, and wipes his face with the back of his hand. He is late for his meeting with the red-haired Romeo who had stolen his heart the last day. Patting his hai
NOT AGAIN!!
Author's Response: Draco is trying to read your letter through the tears of laughter. ;)
Wow.
Wow.
WOW!!
Schmergo,
This was really, really amazing! I've always wanted to write a fan-fiction chock-full of fanfiction references, but you've done it already... But I could never have pulled it off like you did! I'm still laughing... I'm trying to count all the references...
Dark Lord's Blog... Out of the Darkness... Douglas Adams... gah! *gives up*
I must applaud both of you. Who wrote the last part? From "My first thought had been, “Oh, good, for a second, I was afraid I’d accidentally Avada Kedavra’d my dad.”" till "“I don’t know how we’re going to get there, but I think I know where we’ve got to go.”"? It was really hilarious!
And I really, really enjoyed it.
~BB
Author's Response: Now it\'s my turn to say \'wow!\' Thanks so much for your review! It\'s funny, I forgot I put any Douglas Adams references in until I reread it... the restaurant at the end of the universe, myess. But Sainyn, I\'m sure you could pull off a story full of fanfic references, one that\'s very different from this one, but just as good if not better. You\'re a great writer yourself. I wrote the part from \"Oh, good, for a second...\" to the \"I don\'t know how we\'re going to get there...\" As you see, it\'s written in first-person, and I did all the first-person parts. However, I also did the very ending with Arthur ripping up the paper, which is third-person. Luna did the awesome part near the end, with Fleur and the rest of the family, which I thought was a great idea.
What's with you and fava beans? :p
And I didn't get the email with this chapter either. :(
Anyway, do you know what the descriptions of clothing in thsi chapter and the last remind me of? Baby-sitter's club. Yeah.
Anywho, I've contacted you ,and got till Monday for the Art Challange, right?
Well, the chapter was wonderful, I was scared that Ivy was going to have to go to the Malfoys.... And Hadrian Bellowes is sooo awesome! I love to hate him!
I totally loved Harry's speech, very well written! And the differences in character of Harry and Hadrian..
Can't wait for the next chapter!
~BB
Author's Response: I don't know, I think that fava beans are hilarious! I read a story online a looong time ago, where Tom Riddle was going, "Do you mock me, sir? A man mocked me once. I ate his liver... with a side of fava beans..." and I thought it was so funny that I started laughing 'till I cried. I'm not really sure why I thought it was so funny, but I guess I use it a lot. You have to realize that I wrote THIS story about a year ago, while Pride and Pre-Juiced Plums is more current, so I didn't remember I'd already used it in a fic!
YES. I USED TO LOVE THE BABYSITTERS' CLUB! I think I own all of the books. Call 'em cheap and flimsy, but they were my favourite books in Kindergarten and first and second grade-- also Animorphs. (Actually, first grade was when I got into Harry Potter, but I still preferred the Babysitters' Club. I was a dork.) I especially loved the descriptions of clothes, so you hit the nail bang on the head. DUDE, I JUST NOW REALIZED! Emma is totally Kristy, and Ivy is Mary-Ann, or whatever her name was. And Giorgi dresses like Claudia and yeaaaaaah! There's actually a lot of influence from that series on my stories...
You actually asked if you could have 'till Tuesday. I'd love it if you could send in your picture! ANd I'm very glad you liked this chapter... and Hadrian Bellowes as a villain, because I felt he was a tiny bit of a letdown compared to Tancred Apple.
*gasp*!
Why didn't I receive the email???
Well, anyway, this chapter was wonderful, though slightly un-believable. The un-believable part was about Georgi getting into Diagon Alley so easily... But I was cracking up at the Australian accent part, and also the Wheezes...
The last part was really awesome! Shocking! Oh, and I wonder who's going to jump from 200 feet and live... Hm...
“Okay, thanks!” Ivy said gratefully having never quite adjusted completely to the fact that the Potters, her parents for the past two years, would gladly do anything for her/
It should be a full stop at the end...
~BB
PS: I'm reading the Scarlet Pimpernel. AND The Marauder's Map... In The Wrong Hands has been validated, incase you didn't get my email.
Author's Response: I think this email system should work better, because that happens to me all the time. Yeah, there's a LOT of unbelievable parts in this story... I'm not sure how much you'll like the rest, because you'll really have to suspend your disbelief for a lot of big parts. It's all pretty crazy. Thanks for pointing out the typo! And I shall go check out your story immediately! Congrats on getting it accepted!
Yay, this is finally working!
As usual this was great. I was totally creeped out at the dream in the starting! I guessed the woman was Haley, but nothing else...
And I'll try to enter the contest. I guess this is the use of procrastination- this one chapter has all the descriptions I was looking for!
~BB
Author's Response: Whoa, it's up? That's awesome! You definitely should enter, that would be incredibly awesome.
Grr grr grr. I had a nice, long review written out, and then MNFF logged me out. Stupid MNFF.
Another reason why MNFF is stupid-- it refuses to send me emails when awesomesauce stories such as this are updated. Which is why I'm commenting after so long...
Reading about Jordan, Haley, Emma, Ted, Ivy and co. felt like meeting new friends again after a long time. A fun, enjoyable reunion. :D
It was largely faultless, except for a few missing letters in some words (like one place where Haley says “e and Emma” instead of “me and Emma”.) Also, I found myself skipping paragraphs with long descriptions of clothes (and which parts of the bodies they compliment :p)... But I suppose that appeals to a different section of your readers, so I mustn't complain. Another thing I was wondering about was why everyone believed Jorjums as soon as he came into the Ball sweating and breathless and announced to the world that he and his sister were heirs of two of the most amazing wizards ever... On seeing him, I would have thought that he had been doing something else sweaty and out-of-breath-y... Him being legal and all that jazz. :p
I can see why Jordan won second place (CONGRATULATIONS!)-- you really do OCs very well. (do as in write, not in any other meaning some twisted minds would assume... twisted minds like mine). Cecila was just like Jordan, I suppose he'll be seeing now how irritating he had been to his friends before. Poor Jordan... It would feel like proclaiming all your life that aliens don't exist and then one fine day coming across a weird thingy from meteor that says '*insert your name here*, I am your father. Come with me to Mars to meet your mommy!' Oh, and for the record, I hate Emma. Poor Anatoly, poor Ivy... Actually, poor anyone that Emma knows. Except for Tyrone. Because she leurves him.
Speaking of love (or leurve, if that's the way you roll), you handled it very well. It wasn't over-the-top at all; it was funny, nice and sweet. (And not toothache-inducing sweet, either.)
That's it about the story, now about you. HAPPY BIRTHDAY! I know it's very, very belated, but I posted on the Crow's Nest and in your Duelling Thread, but seeing as you've seen fit to cruelly abandon us, I can't really do anything. :-p (There were some rumours floating around that you'd run away with Michael Ball, but I don't think it's very probable. Matt Lewis, maybe, but not Michael Ball. :p)
And, finally, UPDATE SOON! *pokes Schmergo with a blunt spork * Don't want to hurt you, but UPDATE SOON! UPDATE SOON! UPDATE SOON! Thrice to get the message across properly.
BB
And by the way, a third Charlie the Unicorn vid was released! :D :D :D
Author's Response: Why, why, why does MNFF torment my cohorts and me like this? Does it have something against ridiculous post-Hogwarts book seven disregarded fanfictions that have proceeded on for far too long and have been brewing since the year 2006?
Sorry about the clothes! I'm just outrageously girly sometimes. I sometimes forget about my male readers! Hahaha, euuurgh-- I laughed in a Totally Disgusted sort of way at the bit about Jordan being legal and all that. Oh, and not everyone believed him by a long shot-- they were mostly just astonished and too confused to disagree with him. I have a feeling that after that specific incident, Jordan was a lot more out in the open about his Seeing abilities and pretty soon, it became almost impossible to deny that there was SOMETHING going on.
Oh, wow... the bit about aliens is absolutely perfect. I couldn't have said it better if I'd hired a team of ghostwriters including JK Rowling, Oscar Wilde, and Douglas Adams!
Sainyyyyn... I feel terrible about not being online as much anymore, but I'm almost never home, and when I am home, I'm usually editing my chapters or studying. GGGGBBBBLLLLLAAAARRRRGGH. Luckily, summer's coming, and I should be NICE AND FREEEEE! Matthew Lewis says hi, by the way. (.... naaaaaw.)
I first thought this was from Dobby's P.O.V... And I thought "How come Harry has yellow eyes?" *is stupid*
But once I got over my confusion, I loved this. As usual. The ending is especially powerful.
One thing I love about all your poems is that they all manage to be sad, moving, powerful and at the same time rhyme. I don't consider something a poem if it doesn't rhyme, so that is a HUGE positive factor to your poems.
Again, your language and word use are impeccable.
Please write more poems. Please.
~BB
TIM!
I read this already at the Crow's Nest, and I have to say, it's simply amazing.
Totally hilarious! I really loved it! The randomness and the Tim-iness, and everything...
I'd insert "UPDATE SOON IF YOU DON'T WANT TO BE IMPALED BY A SPORK" here, but seeing as I've already read the entire story...
~BB
Author's Response:
Oh dear. “Tim-iness?” That’s something I haven’t heard before. I suppose I’ve just created my own literary sub-genre of insanity!
Anyway, thank you for reviewing! I’m glad you liked this chapter, as well as the entire story! Hopefully the next chapter will be validated soon, so you can relive your amazement with this story! HA HA! Stabbing me with a spork will be quite unnecessary…
Tim the Enchanter
PS: I don’t recall you leaving a review for the last chapter of Out of the Darkness. Subtle hint…
Oh, Carole, Carole.
How you amuse me.
The story was, really nice, and though not “laugh-out-loud” funny, it was funny all the same. I also LOVED the title- amazing take on the cliche!
“Will you explain to me why we’re here again?”said the rather excitable, small rounded winged man who was sitting up a tree.
Here, there should be a space after the closing quotation mark. And I'm not exactly sure what you mean by “small rounded winged man”... Were the wings small and rounded? Was the man small and rounded? Was the man small but the wings rounded? It's a bit confusing, really.
Godfrey grunted something and shifted his bum slightly on the branch of the tree.
Maybe it's me being a boy and all that, but the casual use of bum here cracked me up...
“Then what?” asked Godfrey
“I,” Cupid replied proudly, “caught them both with arrows one afternoon in Hogsmeade. Actually, it was damn close because James’ arrow nearly landed in his friend’s backside instead of his own.” Cupid mopped his brow. “Lily Pettigrew would have been a horrible mistake.”
There's a double-space between the paragraphs, I think this is a mistake.
I loved the part about Lily Pettigrew! And this is a WONDERFUL way of explaining how James and Lily suddenly got together after her hating him for so long...
Now in her seventh year and Quidditch Captain, she’d just seen her star Seeker and two Beaters receive life bans for fighting.
Nice! I like the way you tie this into canon!
This is supposed to be my year,
I think “This was supposed to be my year” would sound better here...
It was like poking a rattlesnake.
Not a normal rattlesnake, but a hungry rattlesnake, a thirsty rattlesnake, a rattlesnake that only has one thing on her mind.
Amazing analogy!
“Boot, I think,” replied George. “Terry Boot. He’s that prat that nicked your robes.”
“Don’t you dare call him a prat!” Angelina exclaimed. “He’s ... he’s ... wonderful.”
“You said he was an arsehole last week,” protested Fred.
Hahahaha! The sudden change in Angelina is perfectly done!
The blood was pounding through her ears as she wrapped her arms around Terry’s waist and moulded her body to his.
The blood? It should either just be “Blood was pounding through her ears” or “Her blood was pounding through her ears”. I would personally select the former.
Not snogging this ... this ...tart in the Black Lake.
I would punctuate this as “Not snogging this... this... tart in the Black Lake” I always connect my ellipses to the previous word- I don't know if this is the only correct way, though. Also, they were doing much more than snogging- they were in their underwear in the lake! I definitely think Romilda would have thought they were doing, or planning to do something much more naughty...
But despite all of my nitpicks (for they ARE just nitpicks, this story is largely faultless), this was a very enjoyable story. :) You had the characterization down pat, right down to Michael Corner. Cupid and Godfrey were really enjoyable characters, and I really liked the reference to Venus. I can imagine it- Venus being like the headmistress, and Cupid being the top instructor... :)
Really good work, Carole!
Author's Response: Ta, BB, I always like reviews and the chance to respond. I've acted on most of your suggestions - especially the spacing issues and the 'small rounded winged man' bit. I've kept Angelina's thoughts in the present tense though, simply because it is supposed to be her year and she can't quite believe it's crashing round her ears. I'm not sure about 'The blood' being wrong but I see that it could read better your way.
I'm glad you enjoyed the story. It's amazing what a raffle with Bine (She wrote names and I picked numbers) will throw into the air. Poor Terry Boot eh? Thanks again, Carole xxx
Ooh, Carole, what a simply lovely story! It started off really well, Remus and Tonks' relationship developed amazingly, and the ending was simply beautiful. If I was the mushy kind, I'd be bawling right now. I, however, am not, so I'm writing you a review.
Like I said before, the starting was amazing. I like how you don't really know why the Death Eater is after them or anything, and everything is slowly revealed through the story (Tonks stepping on the dustbin, and all that jazz). I have to disagree with Spire's point that you should use Tonks instead of the woman in the first sentence-- in your fic you don't seem to call characters by their name until someone else has called them so. Seeing as this is uniform throughout the rest of your fic, I don't think you should change it here.
I think that in a couple of places, punctuation was missing (especially commas), but nothing a thorough read over wouldn't fix. Like here: “They used to lock them up – or worse kill them,” she yelled, it could use a comma between worse and kill,I think. Or here: After all, it’s not normal to have a pink-haired child is it?, where in my opinion, you could insert a comma between pink-haired and is it?. :D
I found Remus' and Tonks' characterisation simply amazing. Looking at Remus first, everything he said, and everything that he did seemed just so Remus-like. His discomfort around Tonks, his fear about his werewolfishness... Everything was done really well.
And Tonks. Tonks seemed a lot like you, Carole, with the ta's and all that. (Or is it the other way around?) I suppose that people who preach against self-insertions in stories would be rather angered by your Tonks, but frankly speaking, I think it fits. Tonks does seem IC and I suppose that if both of you are more or less the same age, you know how people would speak then better than me, so I shall shut up. >.>
He whispered something and she felt a warmth seep into her, but he kept his arm around her. I was a bit confused here. Did Remus use a spell? I suppose that's the most obvious thing, but I was still left a bit confused. >.<
I like how you incorporated the song lyrics in the end-- and the fact that the song was actually playing in the scene made it a lot better. The lyrics you chose fit perfectly, and the story and the lyrics flowed effortlessly. Good work.
She turned her flat black boots into red leather shoes, complete with a five inch stiletto heel. Hmm, I have to wonder about this line, though. If it was so easy to transfigure stuff, why would Ron and co. have terrible robes and dress robes? Why would Remus have shabby clothes? I'm sorry, but this part sounded a little implausible, in my opinion. >.<
I loved the humour in this piece. I liked how you took a common English saying What's that got to do with the price of fish? And Potter-ified it. Awesome, and funny. “I’m not asking for your life, Remus Lupin, just a dance and a kiss!” She snarled at him. This part was funny as well, though I'm quite sure the s in she shouldn't be capitalised. “That’s definitely me – falling over,” said Tonks, as he dipped her towards the floor. That has got to be one of my favourite lines from the fic-- it's funny, it's sweet, and it's definitely very IC. :D
In conclusion, I have to say that I really enjoyed this fic. You are a very talented writer, and you're amazing at characterising these two and making their relationship seem plausible. Awesome. :D
I don't ususally read Slash, but I quite liked this fic. I thought that Altheda and Asha would hvae been speaking in more archaic terms and in a less modern way as this is set in the past, but... And there are also things like eye-rolling-- which seem out of place.
Your grammar was spotless, which was something I really enjoyed. Even with MNFF's strict standards, a few mistakes do slip in, but your's had none. Your style of writing was also a joy to read.
I also liked how you handled Altheda and Asha's relationship- it was quite tastefully done, and despite the fact that it was Cupid who set it up, the story read like the relationship was gradual. Which was good, because it wasn't “Oh, Altheda, I love you-- let's run away and lovelovelove!” suddenly, out of the blue... The events in the story seemed to lead to it.
This is the third entry for this particular challenge that I'm reading, and I noticed one thing in your's compared to other's. In the other two entries that I've read, good reasons are given for supporting the fact that Cupid appears out of nowhere, but in your story he just appears there, drunk. This seems a little sudden and weird... However, seeing as your story was from the two women's point of view, I don't see what you could do.
Some nitpicks that I noted as I read the story:
Her body, once emaciated and pasty from a horrible malady, was now muscled and tanned, though thin, from hours spent on the Queerditch pitch. Queerditch seems just like Quidditch to me-- and I can not understand how playing either Quidditch or Queerditch can result in a perfectly toned body when all you're doing is sitting on a broom and making it move about...
She was now a savvy business woman with a future, and Amata, their other friend, was now married and happy with her love, the former Sir Luckless. Now he was acclaimed throughout the land as a hero. When you repeat 'now' thrice in such a short span, it sounds a little weird.
But in the few slash fics that I've read, this is easily one of the best.
Author's Response: First off, I'm so sorry for taking so long to respond to this! It seems like I've set down several times to write this, but something always interuppted what I was doing. I know it's a stupid excuse, but. . . .
Yeah, sorry about the non-archaicness of this. I tried to keep it a bit old fashioned, but we don't really know exactly when the was written, and I figured this would be easier to read without 'thee's and 'thou's all over the place.
You can give credit to Iris, my beta, for the lack of mistakes in this. I try to keep my writing clean, but there were many things that she cleared up for me after I sent it to her. And thank you - I'm glad that my writing is enjoyed by someone.
I thought that it would be pretty stupid to have just instant lovey-love, as not only would that be extremely OOC for their characterisations, but I know they would have major troubles with accepting what they just suddenly felt.
I knew, when I was writing, that I couldn't just have Cupid come out of nowhere, and I knew, because of the PoV, that I couldn't really explain it right out. I think, though, that I have a few paragraphs explaining, at least a little, why he was there. I think the summation of them is that Cupid had been tailing a couple, he got a little too much to drink, and when he tried to fire at the people (who were in the shop) he mis-shot, hitting Asha and Altheda instead.
Yeah, Queerditch is Quidditch, just an earlier form. What I have always assumed is that Quidditch players do more work than just sitting on the broom - they'd be working on their strength, and anything that could put them to an advantage in a game. She's a Beater, and I would assume that she wouldn't just get on the broom and hit things around - if she's going to compete with the big boys, she needs some sort of edge to keep her on the team.
I see what you mean by the 'now's. I'll look into it and see what I can modify there. Thanks for pointing that out.
BB, thanks so much for reviewing this. I really appriciate that you took the time out to comment on my writing.
--Selina
Harry Potter’s grandchildren were pestering him, on one fine June morning, to tell them the manner in which Lord Voldemort was deposed. Um, 'the mnanner in which Lord Voldemort was deposed' seems a little too convoluted here. I would suggest using something a little more simple-- but then, that's jsut my opinion.
“Do tell us, grandpa, the great story of the capture of Lord Voldemort.” As an author, you should try to make the way people talk as realistic as possible. Now if these are Harry Potter's grandchildren, the story is set at least another thirty years in the future from now? In which case, speech would probably be as modern, if not more modern than how it is now. And 'now', I'm quite certain that no child would say things like 'Do tell us,' or 'the great story of the capture of Lord Voldemort.' The first part seems archaic, while the second part seems not only rather archaic but rather convoluted too.
It was on St.Valentine’s day that it all happened... Shouldn't there be a space after 'St.'?
Frowning and gesturing for his audience to keep silence, he continued. I don't think Harry would frown at his grandchildren, especially since they seem to be quite young, and all they did was laugh. But since this Harry is quite old, I suppose he could frown... * shrugs *
Yes, I think so my dear. There should be a comma before 'my'.
“I’m afraid I can’t do that Tom,” replied Dumbledore calmly. “How many times do I need to answer this, Tom?” I agree with Alyssa- the two 'Tom's is rather repetetive.
The source of the noise was a weird specimen, wearing shocking pink colours, heart shaped wings and carrying a bow and a quiver full of arrows in its transparent arms. It was none other than Peeves. He had knocked Cupid unconscious and had donned the role of Cupid himself! Haha!
The arrow's swiftness outpaced Voldemort's running capacity and it squarely struck him on the shoulder. 'Running capacity'? The way you've phrased it, it seems like running is an adjective describing 'capacity'. Which makes no sense. >.> Also, I would phrase it as 'struck him squarely on the shoulder'-- it seems to flow better that way.
"Behold me for I am Peevid!
The poltergeist of Lurvvvvvvvv!
I am here to make your heart go wild,
Like, those Blast-Ended Skrewts and Flobberworms did!" Despite the fact that Peeves' poems generally rhyme, this one is HILARIOUS. :)
"Then leave me, set me free. I will be happy only if I can return to my husband. Upon your word set me free! “ The closing quoations are a space away from the 'free!'...
The Dark Lord stamped the grass and tore his hair in agony, tears spilled out of his sleep deprived eyes unmindful of the watching crowd. What hair? XD There is actually potential for humour here- you could say something on the lines of 'The Dark Lord reached to tear his hair out in dramatic agony, but with a jolt realised that he had none. Okay, so that was crap, but all the same...
They calmly stepped in between the Dark Lord and his love took Voldemort by his arms and escorted him to the Great Hall from whence he was to be sent to Azkaban. The way you've phrased it, it seems like his love carried him to the Great Hall... O_O
Alas the poor fellow never realised that love was a powerful factor indeed! HAHAHAHAHA! That is HILARIOUS. How 'love' is ultimately the thing that kills him... and not in the soft, stupid way that J K Rowling intended... However, a comma is required here after the 'alas'.
Harry took in a huge breath after narrating the story. His grandchildren gaped at him in awe. One of them broke the silence by saying, “Wish I could get Peeves’ autograph!" This shouldn't be in Italics.
Okay, that's all for my specific nitpicks. Now for a more general overview... The premise for the story was really good, and you had amazing potential with Lord Voldemort falling in love with someone. However, while the first part of the fic was really good, I didn't really understand what happened after the asterisks (***). Of course, that may just be my stupidity... Voldemort fell in love with Bellatrix because of the arrow-- that I can understand, but Bellatrix suddenly falls OUT of love with Voldemort, and back into love with her husband? Why? And Cupid's arrows are normally in pairs-- if one arrow hit Voldemort, who did the other arrow hit?
Also, before the asterisks, Harry was narrating the story. After the asterisks it took on a third person point of view, but Harry was not narrating the story. This change is a little abrupt and strange. Moreover, in the end, it says that Harry finished narrating the story and breathed in... It all seems a little haphazard. And why exactly does Harry breathe in after telling the story? I would assume he would heave a sigh, and not draw a breath...
But despite the fact that I may seem all nasty and evil, I actually did like your fic. It was funny, Voldemort was very well done, and the idea was very good. However, in my opinion. it could improve in places and I pointed out those places in my review. :D
Author's Response: Thanks for reading and reviewing BB. And no, I don't find your review 'nasty and evil'--it was very illuminating. For one thing, I realise that I have to concentrate on the content of my work before getting carried away with my ideas.
About the arrows being in pairs--Cupid here is after all Peeves, and since when did Peeves do things the traditional way? Thanks once again for taking the pains of reviewing my fic.
Haha, that was a good one! It was a all an April Fool's prank? Nice!
It spittered and it sputtered.
It fittered and it futtered.
Sparks flew here and there
And there and where
And everywhere.
BEST LINE. EVER. I just love the total Dr Seuss quality to that stanza... Amazing! This would definitely be my favourite stanza.
Good work!
Author's Response: Thank you so very much!!! I'm glad you liked my poem! I was definitely going Dr. Seuss during that line, I am pretty sure I was thinking of him when I wrote it! I'm glad you noticed the "subtle" tribute to him!!!
Awesome first chapter! You really drew me in, and the ending was spectacular. I loved how you wrote Dean and Andromeda- perfect. =) Is Sally Lowther Dean's mum? I guess I'll have to wait and watch. What does the Reiver Curse say, anyway?
Some notes I made while reading the fic:
“I don’t think Draco will ever be free.” This is really awesome... I love how it was set up.
One of the problems I noticed was that you didn't leave spaces between paragraphs here and there:
“I’ve been looking at the drawings,” explained the woman, “and I can’t make out the inscription on the stone. Is it supposed to be a quotation or something?”
“It’s the Reiver curse,” Sally answered. She saw the woman and her friends look puzzled at her words. They don’t know their local history at all, she thought. “The Reivers were local clan families who lived along both sides of the border and pillaged the land. In fifteen hundred and twenty-five, the Archbishop of Glasgow put a curse upon them. It was one thousand words long and his words form the inscription around the stone.”
and
“Are you sure?” replied the grizzled barman.
“I didn’t think you’d turn away custom, Aberforth,” Dean retorted.
Some of them,” she glanced at Gerald Graham, “still like to cause trouble at every opportunity.” AMAZING! I really love this line.
I think you left out a word here: Lucius Malfoy – there’s plenty feel like you but drinking won’t solve that injustice either. I think you mean “there are plenty who feel like you”...
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The story was amazing, you're a really talented writer. :) I'll be looking forward to the next chapter!
Author's Response: Aww, cheers BB. Thank you for the review. The Reiver Curse is about 1000 words long but basically it curses the Reivers and all their families for a long time. There's a mention of Fire, pestilence, famine and flood in there.
I'll look at the spacing now.
With Aberforth, that's the way he speaks. It's a rough form of speech that I think suits him. Sally Lowther isn't Dean's mum, by the way. He knows who his mum is, just not his real dad. Sally is a relation though.
Thank you again. *must now write chapter 2*
Carole xxx