11/07/04
My old proflie was annoying me, so I made a new one.
Let's see...I'm 14, I live in the U.S., and I play the flute. I love to write, and I beta read, but I'm not going to volunteer myself for it until I pass the PI test (I missed it by one point!). I'm also a member of SPEW on the forums, who does lots of constructive reviews for random people.
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The Boy Who Lived by Croyez
Rated: 1st-2nd Years •Summary: Nobody knew it at the time, but tonight, history was to be made. Tonight, an event that would change the course of the Wizarding World would take place, and numerous lives would take a turn for the better. It was slight irony that, at the cost of an innocent young boy’s happiness, he who had planned it all out would finally meet his demise.
This one-shot chronicles the details of what happened on that night when The Dark Lord visited Godric's Hollow in order to rid himself of the only boy that held the power to destroy him. Haven't you ever wondered?
Date: 05/02/05 Title: Chapter 1: One-Shot
Constructive critisizm first, then the fun. ;) I only saw two things wronge, but I might as well point them out of the way. The silencing spell, you said, was Silentio. I think it's supposed to be Silencio. That was very minor though, so don't think to much on it. The only other thing was at the very end. Voldemort lost his body once the curse hit him, so he wouldn't have been able to talk to Harry and jump out of the window.
Now that that's out of the way, I get to rave about what I love. This was wonderfully written. You wrote Voldemort really well in character; with no mercy. It think it was good that you made a small original character just for that scene. That way you could show how crule Voldemort was without messing up the cannon. I'm glad you gave him a name. It simply makes him better as an original character. Good job on that.
The small bit of dialouge between James and Voldemort was very creative. We don't know what happened in Godrics Hollow, and if you're going to write about it, you might as well add a little to it. Once again, Voldemort's well in character, so good job with that.
I don't know why, but the way you described Lily and James death was very good. I think it was the way you cut off where James died and went strait to Lily that made his good. It wasn't overly dramatic, which is good, because nobody was there except for Voldemort. Overall, great job!
Author's Response: Hmm, you know I just sort of blocked it out of my mind that there actually was a Silencing Charm? Lol..thanks for letting me know, though. =)
On ol' Voldy...you misunderstand. Maybe what I wrote didn't quite explain this, but what I meant was that Voldemort sort of...glided out the window. Like the ghosts in the HP movies do, that they just walk through things. Voldemort wasn't quite a ghost, yes, but he was reduced to something close, was he not? I dunno, I might be off in that assessment, but still. That's what I meant. =)
I love writing Voldemort just because of that--he's a merciless being who doesn't take pity on anyone and treats others like dirt. He's such a cruel character, and that makes him interesting to write about.
Thanks very much for your comments! I'm very glad you liked this.
I Have Seen Them Change by x2pttrclue32
Rated: 1st-2nd Years •Summary: I have seen them grow, change, and bond from a distance. They have never ceased to amaze me. What they have accomplished throughout the years is incredible, and I envy them. But with accomplishment also comes pain. How do they live when pain is preying on them? How do they go on when death is calling their names? They have suffered greatly, and that I do not envy…
Date: 06/19/05 Title: Chapter 1: One-Shot
I really enjoyed this one-shot. It seemed that each of the characters described was done so with elegance; I felt as though each section was worded extremely carefully. The selection about Harry was my favorite. “He came broken, he left…shattered…” This is a wonderful ending for Harry, plus I thought it was worth quoting. The only thing that irked me was the paragraph about Harry conquering the dementors and Susan watching from her dormitory. Surely if she could even see well enough to know that it was Harry down by the lake, she would notice that there were two of him. Also, I doubt that the dormitory would even be facing the lake; it was described as a cellar type common room. Perhaps it’s just me, I don’t know. It’s just my nitpicking.
Hermione’s was interesting because you described her as going from brains to wisdom — or rather that Susan described Hermione in this way, seeing as it is in first person. I really am glad that you chose a Hufflepuff for this one-shot. They always seem to be quietly observing. That brings me to another matter. I really have to give you credit on this one, Josh, because Susan is a girl. I really think it’s amazing that you were able to write her in first person. Don’t get me wrong! I’m not saying that guys are incapable of writing in first person! I’m merely saying that if I had to write something from say Cedric’s point of view, I wouldn’t be able to write it very well. Good job on that!
Last but not least we had Ron. I really liked how you pointed out how he desires to live up to his family and how Susan admired his determination. The theme of the trio changing seemed, in your story, to apply most to Ron, which is why I’m glad he was last. It made it seem more conclusive. There were a few grammar mistakes, but they were barely notable. Great job!
Another Year by Lady sparrow
Rated: 1st-2nd Years •Summary: The good, bad, great, and okay times at Hogwarts in one poem.
Date: 06/05/05 Title: Chapter 1: Another Year at Hogwarts
I really loved this as a poem. I thought perhaps something about exams or classes might have made a nice addition, but it's your poem. Other than that, I thought this described a year at Hogwarts quite well. "Unicorn hair, people I can't bare." Unicorn hair seemed slight random to me. It's something of can mind in the magical community, but not so much at Hogwarts, unless there is some kind of potion the requires unicorn hair. I really enjoyed this, great job! 9/10
Date: 04/18/05 Title: None
The first person view coming from Harry is very interesting. It's also rarely seen which is why I like it. I've never seen any stories written in first person from Harry and in present tense. It's very original.
The slightly poetic writing style is good coming from Harry. I imagine that after another duel with Voldemort, he would be fairly philosophical. I really thought his thoughts of how arrogant he had been were very realistic and in character. Harry has this thing for blaming himself even if he's the only one affected. The narration about his own death was wonderfully described. The metaphor of 'everlasting nightfall' is absolutely wonderful.
I also liked the small foreshadowing (?) of the outcome coming from the duel. When Harry asked himself if what his knowledge was had worked and that he no longer felt any pain in his forehead. The fact that we, the readers, don't know what this knowledge is makes us want to read more. Good idea; it makes us want to read this rest without the agitation of cliffhangers. Great job. I would suggest it being longer, but this is perfectly fine for a prologue. 9/10
Author's Response:
First of all, Rita, thank you very much for the detailed review. I appreciate it very much. The prologue is in present tense, but the next several chapters will be in past tense because his thoughts drift back to the seventh year when (at least from Harry’s point of view) all the events leading up to the “final” battle started.
As far as the length, the prologue was supposed to be very short. All you were supposed to get out of it is Harry is in the hospital, he’s had another run in with Voldemort, he’s very badly injured, and Ginny is there with him. I didn’t want to make this prologue or any of the coming chapters very long. I’m trying to write story where the chapters are so long it takes a good day’s commitment to sit down and read one.
Glad you liked the foreshadowing. The fact that he has no pain in his scar is a key detail. But, does it really mean Voldemort was defeated? Or maybe, did he simply find a way to break free from his connection to Harry? Hmm. Thanks again for the review.
Date: 04/24/05 Title: None
I am becoming extremely found of McKee. She's such a complicated character! The fact that the story's in first person really helps you to get to know her. I always enjoy reading er thoughts about different people, especially Hagrid in this chapter. McKee may not like the other Slytherins, but she isn't a Gryffindor. The fact is, people who don't know Hagrid personally don't tend to like him that much. That little part really brought out McKee's character.
I love how strait forward McKee can be. It explains why she is in Slytherin. I really enjoyed her interaction with Ginny. They seem like two people who would really get along. They're both pretty strait forward, aren't they? McKee can be somewhat smug sometimes, but Ginnu can be pretty ignorant, so they sort of cancle the other out.I like how you tend to tell what happens at the end of the story without describing it. That leaves some imagenation to the readers. I thought it was pretty funny that Ginny won and got McKee to go to the Quidditch match, despite how much she hates it. Great job. 9/10
Author's Response: Thanks! With all her siblings, Ginny no doubt has a talent for arguing. I think the two really balance each other well. Vagueness has always been my friend. I don't like to describe actions to a T, else the reader will never use their imaginations. Thanks Rita!
A DESTINY FULFILLED by Wiccan
Rated: 6th-7th Years •Summary: Harry, Ron and Hermione survived the Final Battle with Voldemort and now work for the Ministry of Magic. Emotionally scarred, they are living their lives to the best of their abilities. Now, a new threat rears its ugly head. Lord Malfoy. This time they have a new friend to help in the battle between good and evil. Just like JKR, I start light and end up dark... lots of humor, intrigue and romance in between. This is a delightful romp through the Potterverse. Enjoy the ride! (Written Pre HBP)
Date: 05/22/05 Title: Chapter 1: Ch 1: THE UGLY, UGLY DUCKLING
This story has great potential. I very much enjoyed the way you started off. The first paragraph let me know strait away what you writing style was. I could picture it perfectly in my mind. What I really enjoyed was that it was not cliche. I've read several fics where people have discovered that they have magical abilities, and they tend to be a lot alike. In this, however, I get a feeling that Jessica is a real person, not a fictional character. Great job!
Author's Response: Thank you! Just to give you a heads-up, I have an authors note in Ch 3 that explains that I wrote this
in response to a dare. The challenge was to write a story that had all the elements of a cliché and a Mary Sue, but make the character likeable and realistic and the story interesting. So you will see some pieces of the dreaded MS come into play. After Ch 7 the story starts getting darker with more plot and intrigue. The story is 24 short chapters. If you can hang in, let me know if I have succeeded. I will post as soon as each chapter comes out of queue.
The Key to My Heart by DanceUponMyToes
Rated: 1st-2nd Years •Summary: This is just a poem I wrote from Hermione's perspective. I'll let you decide who she's adressing, because I think it's more interesting that way and I'm curious as to who you'll come up with.
Date: 09/11/05 Title: Chapter 1: Key To My Heart
First if all, I love how you leave the actually person being spoken of a mystery. As I read this, I sort of scanned it while looking for clues, though I’m still not sure (though if you asked me I’d wager a guess at Ron). It really makes it more interesting for the readers. The metaphors used in this were wonderful.
I changed the locks.
[What you don't know is that your Key will still open the door]
This was my favorite line of the entire poem. I actually took time out of reading it to think about what had been meant by that. Another one I like was:
But time does not bend For unfortunate lovers
Alright, I know this is rather picky, but I’m going to bug you about one little bitty comma error, simply because comma errors in dialogue agitate me. "We can't" I said. "This isn't right." A comma is needed after the word can’t. I know: I’m picky. I just had to mention it though.
I’m not really sure what kind of poem this is (or even if it has a name) but I really liked the way it flowed. Everything sort of blends together; it’s not just a jumble of Hermione’s random thoughts towards someone. I enjoyed this greatly; good job!
Date: 06/05/05 Title: None
This is one of the best one-shots I've read in a long time, Kaltaru, especially during Lily and James’s death (though might I add that the last one-shot I read involving this included Voldemort jumping head-first out the window).
The beginning of this really made me laugh. As soon as I read the first paragraph, I expected some symbolic memory someone was remembering to help get them through the war. I think the fact that Sirius was talking about is motor bike (that truly made me laugh) was very well in character. It shows that even in times as serious as war, old Padfoot can still have lifting spirits.
The moon charm, I thought, was very clever. It gave us something original that still fits neatly into the cannon. I liked how it took something like that to jog Sirius's mind about who the betrayer was, rather than just suddenly understanding. I thought it was nicely in character how Wormtail just happen to 'find' the bracelet lying around the house. Minor detail: “This is the moon charm! This is what Evans gave to Moony after we left Hogwarts. What’s it doing here?” It struck me as a bit odd that even after James married Lily, that Sirius would still refer to her as Evans. Even a little later in the story, Sirius calls her Lily.
By the end of this story, you realize how much Sirius really cared about the Potters, mainly because he gives Hagrid his bike, despite how much time he spent smothering over the thing. I really enjoyed reading this. Great job!
Author's Response: Aw, Rita! This is such a sweet review! I'm really glad you stopped by. In Gift of Love, Lily remarks that Sirius would still call her Evans a lot. When he gets serious, then he would call her Lily. But the Evans is just a way to sort of tease her. Thanks for reading. :)
I Dementor by Ksenia
Rated: 1st-2nd Years •Summary: The thoughts of a Dementor contemplating its identity.
Date: 05/27/05 Title: Chapter 1: I Dementor
The thing I liked about this was that it wasn't just pointless description, but metaphors and feelings. My first thought was going to be a description of the dementor, but it was not. "Floating through cages," meant the most to me, though I can't really phrase why. Only with a dementor could that make since in my mind. " A kiss for release" was wonderful for a dementor. 'Release' gives you the feeling that it desires to kiss someone, and for no reason. I think the fact that it was written in first person is what made this the most interesting. It still is emotionless, but describing itself. Great job!
Author's Response: Thank you. I got randomly inspired to write it one day and so it was born. I'm very glad you enjoyed it.
Date: 06/26/05 Title: None
I really loved how you portrayed Peter in this story. He's still a traitor, but he's not completely evil. Particularly, I liked how he seemed to refer to Voldemort as the 'Darkest One'. I know no cannon characters ever used it, but it just seemed right. Also, I liked how he often switched from calling him Voldemort to the Dark Lord. The one-line paragraphs in italics really set the mood of things. Once again we see the moon charm bracelet. As I have said in "Lost", I really love it as a minor part to the plot that wasn't in cannon. I’m not sure if you meant it to be or not, but the reference to knives was very clever, because of what happened after the third task in Goblet of Fire. It actually seemed to blend in to what happened after the third task. The ending was so powerful. All in all, wonderful job!
Author's Response: Thank you Rita! It always makes me feel happy when people like what I write! I'm glad you liked this tale as I wasn't sure how it would be received by the general public.
A Road of Shattered Glass by Ennalee
Rated: 1st-2nd Years •Summary: Three years after Voldemort’s first fall, Tonks and Ninette, a metamorphmagus and a dancer, each struggle to find their own identities apart from the deceptions of mirrors. Meanwhile, in the caves underneath Hogwarts, someone may be searching for things better left lost.
Date: 10/23/05 Title: Chapter 4: Dancing Alone
This is for chapter four, just so you know…sometimes I get reviews and don’t know what they’re talking about until I go to check what chapter they’re actually talking about. ;)
Oooh, I loved this chapter! Ninette’s point of view made it very interesting. I really began to feel sympathetic for her… “Anyone who does not dance is a distraction,” she had said. “Anyone who does is competition.” All the information we learn about Aunt Edris and how she treated Ninette really seemed to tell us a lot about her. I’m glad you made so many references to Tonks when Ninette is thinking about all the other students. Nice bit of foreshadowing there. Also, I think it’s interesting watching how they both envy one another.
This is where we finally get to learn about Ninette’s dancing skills; I had been wondering. But I really have to compliment you on the ballet part. You’ve really done your research, even with Lian helping. A word of caution, though: be sure that the reader still knows what you’re talking about. I didn’t have trouble understanding; I’m only saying to keep that in mind. I think it’s great to have a beta reader who knows a lot about ballet, but it seems easy to have something technically correct, but the reader doesn’t exactly get it. Really, though, I do know what you mean. I’m just warning.
I’m really interested in Madame now. It’s really the characters that people love about your story. Almost all of them are your own, and Tonks has been given many more characteristics than we know about her already from the books (though we could have guessed a couple if we tried really hard). I like how you really nailed her French accent down; it helps me to imagine her better than saying “she said in a French accent” or something. Madame, usually gentle, sometimes forgot that she was not coaching a grown dancer. You have this nice habit of telling us about your characters through actions more than descriptions, Aunt Edris especially.
But other times, after her teacher had left and she stayed alone in the classroom to practice, the mirror would gloat at her, and the happiness would dissipate. More mirrors! Yay! Glad you’re keeping those mentioned.
I really enjoyed the interaction between Ninette and Charlie. It helped to remind the reader about classes and such—draw their attention away from dancing for a while. Also, it explained where Ninette’s name came from. I had been wondering that too. I’m glad he sort of comes in there as a cannon character, not just a random guy.
All in all, I really enjoyed this chapter. Ninette point of view rocks! It makes me want to hug her. nice job!
Author's Response: You actually picked up on one of my favorite lines in this chapter, Eliza dear. In my original draft of the story, I started every chapter with a brief recollection of the pov character. I\'m not sure why that seemed like such an amazing idea at the time, and it was quickly scrapped, but several of the lines remained, including the \'distraction/competition\' one. I liked it a lot, so I stuck it in in the middle of the chapter instead. Glad you liked it! You have this nice habit of telling us about your characters through actions more than descriptions. I\'m so glad you think so - it\'s one of my goals!
Date: 10/24/05 Title: Chapter 5: Mice Will Play
Whoot! I’m reviewing your fic again. You’re so fun to review…you huggle the person who reviews for a very long time and become quite hyper…
Oooh, back to Tonks’ point of view! I really enjoyed this chapter—quite adventurous. You’ve got me really curious as to what this thing Dumbledore was hiding was. I love watching Tonks, Charlie, and Kevin work in a little group, especially for adventure. Kevin, always the sensible one, made sure that they marked the path they had taken with a string. You can even tell how they work together.
Small, random nit-picks: in the summery, I kept reading In the absence of Dumbledore, Tonks, Kevin, and Charlie explore the passages underneath Hogwarts itself— as Dumbledore, Tonks, Kevin, and Charlie ALL absent because they were listed together. It may just be me, but it sort of stumped me for a couple of minutes. One other, then I’m done. Tonks couldn’t bear it, could not stand the thought that his wand might light up Something any minute now. Random capital S…but I may be wrong…I got into a long argument about capital letters with Tom; I’m slightly confused at the moment about it. Yeah, those are small, I know, but hence the name “nit-pick”. ;)
I really enjoy both point of views—Tonks’ and Ninette’s. With the exception of the first chapter, we’ve seen mention of both girls in each chapter until now. I think, just to keep us familiar with both characters, I’d have liked to have seen a small mention of Ninette. Not too much, mind you. Just in passing would be fine. Otherwise, you sort of forget what the relationship between the two is and just concentrate on Tonks, Charlie, and Kevin.
I really like seeing Bill in this chapter. He reminds me of Fred and George in the first book—an older brother who tends to be a little mischievous. I’m also glad he’s not there all the time; you have him so he fits in perfectly with the other characters and the plot.
I really liked Dumbledore in this chapter too. “Change of scenery, my dear Minerva. It doesn’t do to get too staid in our paths. You never know when something new and surprising might come up.” This seemed so…Dumbledore-ish. It actually made me giggle. Enough said, honestly.
All together, really great job on this chapter. I would love to read more, but at the moment I have a mortal fear of a) getting my review in late, and b) my mother hearing me type and telling me to get off. Great job!
Author's Response: I have a terrible time writing Dumbledore - I can never get him to sound natural - so I\'m very glad you thought he was Dumbledory. You\'re right about forgetting about Ninette; my problem is that she hasn\'t yet become involved with the main plot, so when I\'m plotting I tend to forget about her. As for the nitpick about capitals, I capitalized \"Something\" because I wanted it to stand out as being said in a different tone of voice - not a noun, but a proper noun. I was trying to convey Tonks\' feelings about this something, but I\'m not sure if it came through at all, so I may change it.
Date: 02/08/06 Title: Chapter 6: Dreams of Spun Sugar
*Sheepish grin* I’m starting my reviews a tad late…But you should know that I picked your story first because I knew I’d like it enough to review. :)
I may have said it before, (it’s been so long since I’ve reviewed that I really can’t remember) but it truly is the characters that make this story what it is. This chapter, for example, was based solely on Ninette and Aunt Edris’ characters. You’ve managed to combine what too many people separate: plot and character development. The plot is about Ninette changing throughout the year as she meets knew people, which is tied to the whole bit with the tunnels. I really have to compliment you on Aunt Edris; she’s probably the best done character in your story. It’s not just her, either, but also the way she interacts with Ninette. Their behavior is just amazingly connected with one another.
Something about what you write makes me think I’m reading an actual story, a piece of literature — not a fanfiction. Ninette and Aunt Edris are more like people than “original characters”. This probably isn’t the wisest thing to say on a fan fiction site, and especially not in an S.P.E.W. review, but I still think this would make a great novel — a better novel than fan fiction. Not that is isn’t a great fic, but it’s got so much potential! And magic doesn’t appear to be one of the key factors to the story, nor do any of the characters found in the Harry Potter universe. I want to see this on a book self while I’m browsing Barnes and Nobel one day, missy! No pressure, of course…
Ninette danced the part of Clara that night, with every part of herself besides her body – and without her body, the mirror could do nothing to her. Beautifully written. Do you know how much easier and how much more boring it would have been to write something along the lines of “Ninette dreamed of playing Clara all night”? But this makes you think and sympathize with her because of the way it’s written.
The scene at the very end with Ninette and Aunt Edris was great. I felt like cheering Ninette on as she stood up to her aunt. Earlier in the chapter you mentioned that Ninette had nothing to protect. Now that she feels it necessary to protect her mother’s memory, she suddenly becomes braver than we previously thought. It makes sense, as she is in Gryffindor.
The only problem with reviewing your story is actually finding something to criticize, and I’m not about to pick something randomly just to make it “S.P.E.W. worthy”. There’s really nothing that hasn’t been covered by someone else that I could pick at. All I can tell you are your strong points, so I guess you can know to do those more or something. The fact that I’m just now reading chapter six made me head-palm when I finally did read it, because I enjoyed it so much. Wonderful job — as always.
Author's Response: *blushes dreadfully* I would love to be able to publish an original fiction someday, but I have so much left to learn! As flattering as it is to hear you say so, I don\'t think this story would be able to stand on its own - though it isn\'t apparent yet, its plot really is grounded in the magical world. But I\'m thrilled that you think my characters are good enough to stand up on their own; it\'s a very encouraging thought!
On a side note - I can\'t believe how many people seem to like Aunt Edris, as a character if not as a person!
Date: 06/09/05 Title: Chapter 1: The Mirror
I absolutely love this first chapter. It's very well written and not at all rushed with no trace once so ever of grammar or spelling mistakes. The original characters you have created are brilliant. I love the names; they are creative and not Mart-Sueish but are easy to pronounce. The readers almost get a perfect feeling of what Aunt Edris is like and how she reacts to things by the end of the chapter. I really love that about her character and are anxious to see more of her reactions of Hogwarts. The situation Ninette has found herself is very creative. I can't wait to see how things turn out for her at school. The reference to mirrors was perhaps my favorite part. It really gives you a sence of how things work while Ninette is doing anything dance related. I can't wait to read more and are really interested in seeing Ninette's reaction to Hogwarts. Great job!
Author's Response: Many thousands of thanks to you, Rita Writer! Of the twenty four people who have read my story so far, you are the first and only to respond. I've been checking almost constantly since chapter one was validated, and was beginning to succumb to despair!
I'm glad you like my characters; I was afraid they were too stereotypical and characterized. Besides that, I was worried that people would think dancing at Hogwarts was too much of a stretch. I've always wondered why the arts seem so neglected at Hogwarts, and when I had the idea I couldn't resist.
The mirrors have to be my favorite part about writing this story (except, of course, for the characters). You'll find that they become very important later on; I just hope people won't get tired of them, because they keep poppng up.
I really am delighted that you like it; chapter two is currently in queue and waiting to be approved. Thanks again for taking the time and trouble to review; I can't tell you how much I appreciate it.
Harry Potter and the Locked Door by megan_lupin
Rated: 6th-7th Years •Summary: Harry Potter's sixth year at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry ended in a tragic event. A headmaster and well-respected wizard was killed by the very man in whom he had placed his trust. This story begins during the latter part of the Boy Who Lived's sixth year, and it will follow Harry, as well as the entire Wizarding World, through Harry's seventh year and the Second War. The Order of the Phoenix struggles to overcome the loss of their leader and the harsh sting of betrayal, while Lord Voldemort has continued to grow in power and strength, and Wizarding Britain is on the brink of collapsing into darkness.
Harry sets out on the path he chose, seeking the four Horcruxes that still remain in the world, and the story will culminate in the final and climactic battle between the forces of good and evil, where death, loss, betrayal, and the overwhelming strength of love and friendship abound. After so many years of terror and war, who will be victorious in the end -- Harry Potter ... or Lord Voldemort?
As of 25 July 2007, this story will NOT be compliant with canon in Book 7: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. I will be sticking to my own plot line, and it will only connect with DH if the two happen to overlap.
Date: 10/16/05 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter One: Where Your Loyalties Lie
I told you I’d come after you with reviews. ;)
First off, I love your writing style; the description in this is absolutely wonderful. The flashback with Voldemort was my favorite section because it wasn’t cliché; Voldemort didn’t act like a super villain from a Disney movie. Most of it was in the dialogue. Still, it was the description that really made this scene work. If it hadn’t been there, I’d have had something like “oh, great, another evil Voldemort” going through my head, but I didn’t. Even the wind, seemingly responding to the tense situation, ceased, the sound of the tree’s branches scraping the nearby glass window completely absent. This was one of the many well-phrased sentences. I just wanted to point that one out in particular. Well done.
Something about Dumbledore’s inner dialogue threw me off. I think it was just a little hard to read. At one point, Dumbledore referred to Severus as Snape, and that sort of got to me; we always see Dumbledore thinking of Snape by his first name If Voldemort is beginning to suspect Severus, he would not reveal anything of value to Severus. Severus’ name is used twice in this thought, and it just…doesn’t flow well. Normally I wouldn’t say that much about it, but you’ve got so much great description in this story and everything seems to flow so well, that when you come to this section, it stands out.
In the flashback, we see mention of something unknown in HBP: the little plot with Ginny. The thing is, since this is happening during HBP, it’s going to be harder to make work. I would look for something within the book that you could use in incorporate this into—something about Ginny. Really, all you need is a little something to make it blend with the book well.
I’m glad you mentioned Snape’s loyalties, especially since we don’t know. This way we know from the start what you as the author thinks, and we know what to expect.
I really think this story will turn out great. I can’t wait to read the rest. I didn’t see any grammar mistakes or anything, and the description is wonderful; great job!
Author's Response: Thanks a lot for your comments. I'm really glad you thought the writing style was good; that means a lot to me. The inner dialogue with Dumbledore is a part that I'm not really thrilled with. It worked for me on some level in the beginning, but in terms of the overall flow of everything, it just didn't fit. It was the main part I struggled with through this entire chapter. Also, the plot line with Ginny will work itself out, and even though this scene is happening during HBP, it was not meant to be very clear.
Fight It by x2pttrclue32
Rated: 1st-2nd Years •Summary: This war is being fought. People are out there dying. People are out there fighting. Fighting for dear life, but still...fighting for the war and for what is right. But what is it really about? Ginny contemplates this question. One-shot.
Date: 09/03/05 Title: Chapter 1: One-Shot
The thing that makes this interesting to read is that it is dark without having the character talk in a depressed and poetic tone. Ginny sounds like she’s simply talking to a random person or writing in a journal. I actually found her really in character; she didn’t sit there obsessing about things (like Harry for example) for a long time. Everything was still themed around the reason for war, yet she still manages to mention her friends and family. About how he is out to get Harry. About how he wants to kill Harry. About power. Why though? I’m glad you brought Harry up like this without making the entire story about him. Adding “about power” really helped the readers to realize that he was only mentioned in passing.
The whole question of ‘what are we fighting for?’ is interesting to think about because it is something people think about in real life everyday. Seeing it written into a story makes you think about it yourself, and when you do, you pretty much come up with the same thoughts Ginny did. Her thoughts change quickly, and your writing style shows as much.
I liked Ginny thinking about her brother’s (Fred and George in particular) fighting, and how that effects her opinion. Also, reading about her relationship—how she wanted to fight but ultimately shared her mother’s fears—with Mrs. Weasley was interesting. That section made me think about Molly for several moments and how she felt about Ginny wanting to fight along side with her brothers.
Sometimes I found it a bit confusing to read because of interjections like “I mean,” or “it’s just,” or “I guess.” Other times I thought it made the narration seem more natural. I think it just depends on how much it is used. The best way I thought you added something like that was when the train of thought would simply trail off. I mean, I did, but I didn’t…I don’t know.
A couple of nit-picks: Others might think differently, now that I think about it…Some, like Dumbledore and the Sorting Hat (yes, the Sorting Hat), would say it’s about love and hate. Something about this just made me pause for a moment. The “I” in italics sort of threw me off because it seems like it doesn’t go with the rest of the sentence somehow. Maybe it would flow better if you made “Others might think differently, now that I think about it,” into two separate sentences, but that’s just me. The other thing was really minor: I can defend myself just as good as any of my brothers. I know it’s Ginny talking, but I still think she would say “well” instead of “good.” ;)
Then ending sentence made me snort. It’s just like Ginny to get done thinking about so much and then questioning how “mushy” she really is. It made me feel like she was in character. Really great job on this! I enjoyed it a lot.
Author's Response: Oooo....thanks for the review! And for the compliments! Fred and George's part was my favortie. :D Glad you liked it!
For the interjections...I tried to balance it out...but maybe a little too much? Well, I'm glad it worked in some places, in any case.
*headdesk* Good and well...I can't believe I mixed that up. I'm always correcting people for that... :P I'll go ahead and fix it. Thanks for the review! :)
Transformations by Starmaiden
Rated: 3rd-5th Years •Summary: Remus Lupin, resident werewolf of the Order of the Phoenix, meets Nymphadora Tonks, newly instated Metamorphamagus. Follow them through friendship to their ensuing relationship, which persists in attempting to happen, despite their best efforts. If it does, will they be ready?
Date: 02/20/06 Title: Chapter 1: Of Umbrella Stands and Magic Eyes
I absolutely adore Remus/Tonks, I really do. It’s just so—cute! And it’s one of the few romances I will actually read. And this was really well written, so it made it even more enjoyable. :)
In the very beginning of the story—the part in italics—I was confused. I get it now, but the section from HBP made me think that perhaps the story took place then. I don’t think you should remove, or course; it’s a very nice passage. I just thought I ought to point that out.
I really have to thank you on how you portrayed Sirius. He’s probably my favorite character, and he is so wrongly written sometimes! But you got him spot on….thank you! The nick name he gave Tonks…Nymmie. I really loved it. And he’s not like a little kid. That’s what always gets me about him.
“Either you dyed your hair, or your mum was right about you being a Metamorphmagus.” I love the subtle ways you bring up things from the past. Instead of just describing it, you bring it up in interesting ways.
I’m really glad that you don’t spend time describing things that we already know happened. Like going into detail describing all the Order members. After the meeting, Tonks found herself munching Molly Weasley’s excellent apple cobbler while various Order members introduced themselves. Using Molly’s full name is enough to prove that she’s a new character to Tonks.
Overall, wonderful job. I’m going to read more, because I enjoyed it so much. :)
Author's Response: Thank you for your thoughtful review. I really enjoy them. Thanks also for the many comments and compliments!
Date: 02/20/06 Title: Chapter 2: Operation Harry
Ok, so there reference in this chapter to HBP makes sense now because of the last one. So no harm done.
Things are moving along quickly—yay! No point in sitting around with no plot, right? Though I have to admit, it struck me a bit when Hermione and Ginny were refereed to as though we’ve seen them in the story already. I suppose I would recommend the use or surnames, like in the last chapter when you used Molly Weasley’s whole name.
Tonks’ wand lit up. Harry – most of them – blinked at the sudden flare. *giggles* The way this was phrased, I thought it meant that there were several Harry’s blinking. Just a little nitpick is all.
“Oooh, he looks just like I thought he would.” Tonks, realizing she had spoken aloud, added quickly, “Wotcher, Harry!” I like how you give an insight to what Tonks says—as in from her point of view. Also, I was really hoping that you would give an explanation to the whole “Wotcher” thing. Not a huge one, mind you; just something subtle and creative.
I have to give you credit for not using phrases and exact passages found in Order of the Phoenix. It’s hard to avoid, especially since I’m sure you have a copy of it lying in front of you as you write. It’s one of my pet peeves: people who write the books in a different point of view, and then use the same phrasing that JKR does. So thank you for that!
Tonks seems really concerned and caring towards Harry in this chapter. I just find it a little strange that Tonks would assume so much so quickly when she’s only just met him. Perhaps Sirius and Remus have told her a lot about him, but as the reader, we really can’t know for sure.
I love the little bits between Remus and Tonks, I really do. They made me smile. I still really want to read the next chapter, and I’m a little sad that there’s only one more…but that’s still another chapter to review. :) Good job!
End note: No S.P.E.W. review for this chapter? I’m appalled!
Author's Response: I see what you mean about Hermione and Ginny; I think, at this point, Tonks knows them well enough that she could be comfortable with them. * The \"several Harrys\" -- I\'ll take a look at that :) * Honestly, I\'m American, so I\'ve no idea about \"wotcher!\" I\'m told it\'s a very localized London slang, but I can\'t clarify it at all. Not my continent! * I really had to work to get the OotP quotes out. I got a lot shorter when I cut them all out, I must say. * In regards to Harry, I think Tonks has a lot of natural compassion, plus I sort of see Sirius talking about him more or less nonstop. I did make a couple references to various people talking about him. * Thank you for all your lovely comments! I really appreciate them.
Date: 02/21/06 Title: Chapter 3: Christmas at Grimmauld Place
Wow, Christmas already? That was a bit of a shocker. Hehe.
I really love reading about Tonks and Remus. It’s just so playful, and it really does make me grin. I’m loving how Tonks is thinking about all that Remus has gone through; it’s so realistic.
I was really glad to see some plot development in this chapter—something that wasn’t in Order of the Phoenix, but your own person idea. The last chapter, however well written and fun to read, was mostly from the book, and not much of your own. This chapter is a lot like your first.
And a lot of them agree with Greyback – he calls it ‘a crutch for those not strong enough to admit what they are.’ Another subtle bit of information—nice!
I honestly haven’t got anything else to comment on this chapter, except to compliment you on how incredibly well done Remus was written. This is exactly how I expect him to act! Exactly! *has huge grin* Good job!
Author's Response: Thank you! Thank you! Glad you liked it, next part coming soon, I hope!
My Father's Path by the nutty imp
Rated: 1st-2nd Years •Summary: Draco thought that his destiny and path to greatness lies in following his father's footsteps...
Date: 04/23/06 Title: Chapter 1: September 2005 Monthly Challenge # 2
Firstly, I absolutely love the format for this. You chose the perfect places for the dialogue to end and the poems being. It made this sort of mysterious voice commentate in the back of my head. I think my one of favorite sections was the one between Draco and Greyback; it was the most convincing. “Leave her alone, you animal!” / “The Dark Lord has agreed to give her to me if you fail.” / “You lie!” / “Do I?” That was the perfect place to stop. I really liked how you portray Draco here—calm at first but then he comes out angry and scared. It’s great characterization.
“Sometimes the choices we make are inevitable, it matters not. We just have to deal with whatever miserable fate that is thrown our way.” It may just be me, but the way that was worded seemed a little out of character for Myrtle; I actually thought it was Snape at first. The rest of that section made prefect sense, it was only that one sentence. I also want to compliment you for this section. I hadn’t thought much of Draco and Myrtle talking…it makes me feel sorry for both of them. “At times like this I envy you. You don’t have to worry about things like this anymore ...” That’s so sad!
Nit-pick: "Draco, draco you are not a killer." Caps on the second Draco – small nit-pick. ;)
I think my absolute favorite was the section between Snape and Draco. It was…touching.
Overall, I really really enjoyed this. Draco’s character was brilliantly done – great job!
Author's Response: Thanks Rita I\'ll go correct that typo.
You\'re right about Myrtle. I\'ll go see if I can correct that one.