I really liked your story, it's written really well and I'd like to see some more chapters. You used description to your advantage and it worked out wonderfully. A couple things I did notice, however, was that some of the dialogue punctuation was a bit off, and that the plot seemed a little flat, but other than that, you did a really good job and I look foward to more submissions.
I love the idea for the story. Hard to follow along in one part, but the good stuff shines through.
Author's Response: If there's anywhere I could improve on, please tell me!
Let me congratulate you on a job well done. Ginny is by far the most confusing and unimaginative characters in the whole of the HP series. Giving her such a detailed, well-though out history and giving her mathods behind her madness really showed the true potential that Ginny can have, and that is excellant. Her mood in the story also seemed fitting, and by no doubt reasonable. I would think of thousands of other, unimaginitve ways to give her feeling of regret and a tinge of sadness. I think you pulled it off spectacularly. So, what took me all of this time to explain is, fabulous.
I am back reviewing you Seren, as you probably already know why. But to just go ahead and spit it out, this is rough in the fic sense- broken up several times to different scenes, which, normally, are very annoying when there are enough. However, as usual, you manage to astound and amaze. I particularly love that about your work. You make unusual situations seem real.
My favourite scene in this chapter was when Neville was ready to fight, "chivalry be damned". An interesting side of Neville that we've seen maybe once in the entire series, with Padma coming to sooth him. A very good scene. Very nice; although I am left wondering where chapter three is...? ;)
Sad, and pretty good. Good use of words.
Well, I never have read any of your fics, to be honest, but I have heard a lot about McKee, so, I was interested in learning a bit about her... and did I ever. She's an absolute joy to read. She has no characterization problems at all from what I could tell- I liked the fact that she was a Slytherin, had those qualities, yet wasn't like them at all. Cudos.
I was a bit shocked that Lucius had a baby with a muggle-born; that was one surprise I didn't see coming. Ardra McKee... I'd like to know a bit more about her, besides that she was very kind. She's just as intriguing as her daughter. I also jumped when I found out about Percy..."The Dark lord took care of him personally". I was really on the edge of my seat after I read that, and after seeing her want to join the DA, I really had to try and sort that one out. Of course, I'd never read her, so I wouldn't know, but it tells me a lot about her.
There was some things that I felt could be changed, but nothing to serious. "I barged into..." to "...little comfort or warmth" seemed a bit choppy to me; maybe a combination of the sentences would make this better. I also thought that a little more imagery could have been used; I loved what imagery you did use, and I felt that it was transporting me into the Slytherin common room, right next to McKee. However, a bit more would be appreciated.
Now, my biggest like out of the whole fic... the armchair! I just thought it was such a nice introduction into McKee's character and her dislike of Draco, and the fact that she was, in fact, a Slytherin in her own right. It just makes her seem more real, and not the stereotype we constantly put these houses in. Great job on that as well.
Okay, enough of my ramblings... continue on with the McKee fics, and I shall keep on reading.
Bella! I haven't really read anything of yours up to this moment, and I must say I was enchanted by your little fic here. I am not the biggest fan of same-sex pairing, but I might have to dive into your other works as well. This was quite an intriguing story. And, to be quite frank, very short- but what's the difference? I really don't know. It might have gotten boring if it was extended further, so I suppose this was a good length to have it as.
Well, I'm gonna start with the way you write. You submit very subtle hints as to what's to happen in the next few paragraphs donw that make a reader crazy for the few moments that they think they know what shall happen, but are doubtful. Like me. Which went crazy with the hints you portrayed. One example: "“Because you were all googly-eyed and looked as if you’d been hit on the head with a mallet. So, who’s the lucky girl then?” he asks cheekily, winking at me. I blush, but not because of his comment. He must know by now." How I went CRAZY over that line. I knew what was happening now, that Remus had that little attraction- which was what I knew would happen- but I couldn't help but suspect that it wouldn't happen that way. You cleverly disguised it, you did.
There were some odd things I noticed throughout the fic that I wasn't quite a fan of, but I did realize that it hooked me in and made my mind wonder what could exactly be going on. Yes, they weren't my favourite lines, but... who cares. They worked. ;) Such as the first paragraph- a good hook if I've ever saw one. It interested me by wondering who's POV it was from, and seemed odd- just because the wording was off in some way. However, it was successful, and I liked it quite a bit. This line was interesting, to say the least: "“Whatever you say, mate,” Sirius replies with an air of someone who has just discovered someone’s dirty little secret. “But, you know, whoever she is, she’s lucky.”". There isn't anything wrong with it; it just clicked correctly. Nicely done.
There was only one mistake that I saw completely staring at me, otherwise, it was quite well looked over. "James loves Lily far too much to ever betray her, and Sirius would never take a friends girlfriend." "Friends" should be "friend's".
The contrasting feelings you provided was inconsistant with the overall feeling of lost hope, but you still did quite a nice job with what you wrote. You inserted some humor: "“Yes, Remus, girl. You know, the fairer sex, the ones with breasts,” he laughs, brushing his long hair out of his eyes." Typical Sirius. *cue rolling of eyes* And don't forget the intense pity: "Not that grades are the most important thing in this world, but since I don’t have anything else going for me…". Poor Remus. I felt extremely sorry for him there- although, it didn't seem like him... but of course, his mind was gibberish at the moment, with Sirius in front of him.
The kiss scene and the ending were excellent, I must say. Normally, they are awkward endings or final touches that really seem to not fit at all, but you managed to achieve something that seemed possible, something that might have happened in canon- but sadly, we know that is not the case. However, it was good, I'll give that for ya! ;)
Sadly, I must wrap my review up- but I leave you with this: you make slash so much fun. :-)
I'm not a R/Hr shipper, but this is absolutely amazing. Way to go!
Author's Response: I'm guessing that you ship H/Hr... this is a good R/Hr for you... with Ron gone now Hermione can date Harry! Not how I intended it... but hey! Thank you so much for reviewing!
Wow... fabulous. Lots of contradictions, I noticed; which is a very good thing.
Author's Response: Yea! A new reader and a new review! Thanks so much for telling me what you think. I'm glad you liked it so much.
First of all, what a wonderful chapter! I know this review has been on it's way for *quite* some time now, but I'm sure you have a better-late-than-never policy. *coughs under glare of teh author* Anyways. You mentioned a spiral staircase. I love them and nearly kiss the hands of anyone who incorporates them into a fic, and you, my dear, have just earned so much more. You actually proved that Lavender Brown isn't the gossipiest (is that a word...? Didn't thinks so) person in the whole of Hogwarts. Elsie Smoot. LOL, the name is enough to lighten up anyone's mood, but the way she went about business was hysterical. I nearly choked on my food when George gave 5 galleons to prevent her from spreading rumours. *snickers*
Nitpick: “Oh, well, no matter,” George shrugged. “I was just curious. Thanks again,” he said Needs a period at the end. Otherwise, job well done! Off to chapter nine tomorrow. Until then! *scurries off*
And we're back at it. Possibly one of my favourite chapters was this one. We see abit of George and Andrea flirting, which is totally awesome... although I'm still convinced that he's not the right one for her. Ah well, I still liked this chapter a lot, and I can't wait to read even more. I can't finish it tonight, but I promise in the future... chapter eight is up next!
Wheee! Okay, so I read and am in the process of reviewing chappie nine. I'm always constantly amazed at your ability to tell a story -- its as if this actually happened, and you were there to witness it, and you're just telling what you saw, heard, felt. It is really hard to do that, and I admire you for it. Keep that up!
A few nitpicks, I know, I'm sorry, but these were bothering me. "December arrived, bringing with it more snow and a positive avalanche of homework for the firth years." Don't you mean fifth years? "It made Andrea want to punch him, but since their exchanges took place mainly under the eye of Snape durring Potions, Andrea restrained herself, not wanting to be scrubbing and cleaning the disgusting tanks in Snape’s storage rooms again." I also think you meant "during". Typos happen to all of us (mainly me), so don't feel too bad. ;) *snickers and half-hugs*
“You are incorrigible!”
“One of my many charms.”
Excellent bit of dialogue, George very in character there. I'll see if I can make my way to chappie ten!
Interesting! I love your dialogue. My absolute favourite line was: “And you didn’t tell me?” Sophie squealed, whacking Andrea with one of her rolls of parchment. The only thing I spotted was that inderect author's note paragraph. ;) For shame. *kids* But I love Andrea, although I think Sophie is going to get on my nerves... we'll see how this works out. Very interesting!
OMG! You gave Lavender a passing mention in BOTH CHAPTERS. That deserves, like, a quadrillion reviews right there. And Neal Thatcher... I know someone by that name. Now I'll see him instead of the picture you painted of him. Oh well, I guess things could be worse. Oh -- I also loved that bit of dialogue between Andrea and Rick about Sophie. I am SUCH a Rick/Sophie shipper. ;) Good chapter!
Okay, so while reading, I found a nitpick... Muggle is capitalized. :) But I am curious as to why Fred and George wanted to help her... and Andrea seems a bit like Harry. Oh joy. She'll end up hexing Umbridge at this rate. Oh... that may not be such a bad thing after all >.> Nice chapter! On to chapter four!
ZOMG ANDREA PUNCHED HARRY POTTER AKA THE BOY WHO LIVED!!!oneoneeleventyone. Awesome. And Dumbledore shows interest in Andrea... even more interesting. I'm all giddy now. Although, Andrea seems like she could be in Slytherin with her ways. ;) Well, time for some more reading. Chapter five awaits, doesn't it?
“Hey, I only hit him once. It’s not like I’m going to make a habit of it,” Andrea protested. I wish she would. It'd be hysterical every time! And I still want Andrea to hex Umbridge, but I don't see it actually happening. Oh well. Draco seems a bit... off. I think he'd rather go out with a mule than a Gryffindor, although it does make a bit of sense since Andrea punched Harry. But alas, his dialogue was still amusing. ;) Chapter six, ahoy!
Okay, so I'm very happy for Andrea, as George likes her, she likes him, and everything is going randy dandy [that just came out of nowhere]. However, I must confess that I'm an Andrea/Edward shipper myself, and that I simply must see a kiss between them, if only a kiss on the cheek. ;) *is kidding* Seriously, good going, although I still think that Draco shouldn't like her as much as he does. But I don't know anything about Draco's character, so what do i know? keep up the good work! On to chapter seven!
So, first off: SQUEE LAV-LAV IS IN THIS CHAPTER. She was so in character too. I've been searching for Lav!fics... they just don't seem to be around anymore I guess. *sighs and retreats to little corner* *calls from little corner* It's a bit dusty over here! *waves away dust*
Yes, erm, ok, enough seriousness. I really like this Neal/Alicia relationship dynamic is very interesting. I hope I get to see it develop in the future. :) AND FLET! NO! FLET, COME BACK! *goes off in the woods and chases Flet*
Nitpicks are a must, obviously. "“Big surprise there,” Lavender gigled." "Giggled" is missing a "g". "“My and Fred’s Secret Lab,” he grinned mischievously. “Bill told us about this place, the rest of the corridor is dedicated to Prefect stuff, bathrooms, common rooms, study rooms.”" This whole bit of dialogue reads wrong... I'd make "My and Fred's" turn into "Our", replace the comma behind place with a period, and take the last part and scrap it, or turn it around so it reads well with the rest of the sentence. :)
Great job as always! *hug*
Oh, Miss Quillster, I come here in accordance to the laws of SPEW and of the mistress Andrea Benning calling my name to read and review her and her story [I mean... *cough* your story in which she is currently featured in]. So, once again, my review is better late than never, correct, Miss Quillster? Good, especially since I'm giving you a SPEW-worthy review that I hope you enjoy. ;) Of course, I'm gonna be quite picky. So, let's get to it, eh?
So, being my very evil self, I'm gonna do the nit-picking first, so I can leave with a good note. First off: "The gargoyle cocked his head to the side, seeming to contemplate for a moment, then he hopped aside, much to her surprise." This seems very un-canon to me; that gargoyle should not budge for anyone; I'd expect that if Harry wasn't able to get in when he was desperate, neither should Andrea, since dear ol' Dumbles cares for Harry [possibly] more than Andrea. So this seems a little uncanon. "Hermione was going on a skiing trip with her muggle parents." Muggle is supposed to be capitalized, dear. But, since you capitalize it later on, I'm gonna assume it was a typo. :)
"...she was staying with her sister Barbara at Hogwarts for Christmas, the two both felt the need to devote as much time in the castle without regular distractions to study for the OWLs in Sophie’s case and the NEWTs in Barbara’s." Is it just me, or is this sentence too long and confusing? I'd suggest that after the word "Christmas" you put a period instead of a comma. Also [this is just me being super nitpicky], "OWLs" should be "O.W.L.s" and "NEWTs" should be "N.E.W.T.s". So, the sentence should read like this: "...she was staying with her sister Barbara at Hogwarts for Christmas. The two both felt the need to devote as much time in the castle without regular distractions to study for the O.W.L.s in Sophie’s case and the N.E.W.T.s in Barbara’s."
Just a few more nitpicks Ms. Quillster, and then I swear I'll get to the compliments! After all, I wouldn't be reviewing if I didn't like it. ;) "By the time they reached the Benning Manor Mrs. Benning’s inquiries of her two youngest children were over and done with and she was back to normal speaking patterns, meaning that her children and husband could actually answer her questions." This sentence also reads long. I'd advise a comma after the word Manor, and I'd take out "and done with" to make the sentence not seem so long and disconnected. I'd also take out the "she" behind "and". It should read like this: "By the time they reached the Benning Manor, Mrs. Benning’s inquiries of her two youngest children were over and was back to normal speaking patterns, meaning that her children and husband could actually answer her questions."
Uhm... okay, don't kill me, but... just a few more! I SWEAR. *huddles* "By the time Roderick was finished with all of his homework the Kestrals had played their last game and Darren was free to come home." I'd suggest adding a comma after homework. "Andrea and Rachel got along really well and the two were the only ones who could keep Sam, Simon and Seth from getting into too much trouble." Add a comma after "Simon", and that should be alright.
Okay. I can FINALLY stop nitpicking and start loading my fanboy love on you properly. You'd never know that I love your characters. Andrea, Ed, the mother... all of them. I particularly enjoy being pulled into the story just for the characters alone. But their mother's little "speech" had my crying with laughter. I loved seeing that "Leave It To Beaver" type mother that all of us are convinced that our mothers possess [or, at least a tiny fragment that is embedded in each of them]. That worry factor is wonderful. And my mother has just about the same amount as Andrea's mother does, so I can surely relate. ;)
We all love Christmas time, and I enjoyed seeing Flet again! How often do you see fairies in fics? I'm being totally honest -- yours is the ONLY time I've seen them have some sort of a role in a fic, and I'm thrilled. Especially since Flet chose a spot at the top of tree. Hee. Selfish fairy. I also enjoyed Grandpa Brand's Quidditch Glory day stories, even though I didn't get to hear it from the lion's mouth. Oh well, it still was very interesting, and fun to read! That's one special thing about your fic, Ms. Quillster -- you always manage to make a boring/sad/happy/disastrous scene easy and fun to read, which is why, I suppose, that I can't wait to read more on your fic later, when I get the time.
Well, I enjoyed reading like always. I'd say update whenever you can, but I'm afraid I can't, since I still have several more chapters ahead of me to read. ;) Keep up the good work, my dear! *hugs and runs away*