Nan, I do believe it has been way too long since I have given you a review - probably even longer since I have given you a proper review as well. And, while I could have reviewed your wonderful wonderful wonderful WIP, I just don’t feel right about it. My reviews could never live up to the fantastic ness of what is your writing. I still feel that way about I Would Give You Violets, but at least this is at least 1000 words less and less intimidating thing to review. XD So! I’ve rambled on enough, and I’m sure I’ve made probably twenty typos. Oh well. Onwards!
Firstly, I’ve always thought your writing was brilliant, simply put, that is. So it comes to no surprise to read the author note and know that this was written a year ago. It seems as if your writing gets better with age. As I grow older and learn more about the art of telling a story, some fics lose their luster and I part from them. However, your writing is one of the comforts I have when reading. I know it will always deliver, and that I’ll never have to worry about that constant sparkle it has will never fade away.
Now that the sappiness is over, let’s get to the actual fic!
First off: the plot - of what plot there is - is fantastic. The idea is wonderful as well. You paint such a picture of Alice even though what little we saw of her really didn’t reveal much. You showed us a story of hope and love and dedication - the saving of the flowers is really poignant. That’s pretty much the whole story, so I guess I’m saying that the whole story is poignant. But you tie it so well with canon - that bit of backstory that we never really get to see in the books. Neville is also extremely in character.
I have no nitpicks. You and your beta do a mighty fine job, dearest. ;)
One of my favorite moments: There are pictures of her dancing, with flowers in her hair. (Here, at least, she will smile forever.) Her son walks through the old house (the house his mother thought would be haunted by their very happiness) and into the garden in the back. It is a forgotten place — after his mother forgot, there was no one else to remember it. It is overgrown now, and the flowers have died. I call it a moment instead of a paragraph, because of the way you have written it makes it into a moment, and the way you sew all these little patches into one gigantic quilt makes it ever more great.
I know my review is short, but so is what I am attempting to say: Fabulous. You still remain my favorite writer on MNFF.
I have recently discovered a most mysterious pattern: When Lian post, Patrick reviews. I don’t know what could possibly cause this phenomenon, but it obviously works in BOTH of our benefit. For one, you get another review. For me, I can write another review. Quite a great deal, isn’t it? ;) Anyway, to the story. I think I’m going to go ahead and just mention the power that a title has. While I was reading, I had the title subconsciously in the back of my head, ready to have an AHA! Moment of why it’s called that. I think that it suits the piece so well. Hermione is always on the search for perfection, and I *love* what Snape said about how everything has it’s price.
What was it he said again? "Everything has a price, Miss Granger. Do not fool yourself." Not only is this extremely in character [I’ll go into that in a minute], it is what I presume to be the AHA! Moment of the fic. It really is a double-meaning type statement, and you could have easily made it one or the other, but in deciding to add both, it makes the whole piece more engaging and it achieves in creating a whole new level of intellectual …something. Dangit, I knew I couldn’t manage to sound formal for too long. XD Well, I’ll try for a little bit longer. It not only means her literal health, but her safety. It’s incredibly…amazing. Yes.
Now, I typically do not like Snape. I really can’t stand having to read him either, because he’s either unbearably out of character or way too in character [read as: taking him to extremes] that it’s hard to like him in fandom. With that said, you find the perfect balance. He’s strictly in character, not going out on a limb and not exploding in the “emo!ihateyousomuch”. I really like him here, too. You made him a good guy, and that is quite hard to do. Then there was Hermione. Once again, you strike the right path with her: She’s typically way under character or way too over-the-top. Her desire to take a bubble bath over her homework because she’s sick? Very well done and thought out. : )
Now, you are the most thorough person in the whole entire universe. So is your beta. So, when doing a SPEW review, it’s very hard to find anything to nitpick. However, I found something. You already know what it is, and you are probably going to see it coming a mile away. Yes, we either love them or hate them: The ellipses! "Correct. And do you really believe it would be in your best interest for my... colleagues... to know the extent of your knowledge of Defense Against the Dark Arts?" Like I said earlier, while I understand what you are trying to do and what it is trying to communicate, it seems rather amateurish use of them. I have come up with SEVERAL ways of correcting them. Shall I go ahead and list them? Now remember, this is all because I love you.
First: There is an easy way to eliminate an ellipse without losing the sense of a pause. “Correct. And do you really believe it would be in your best interest for my…” He paused. “colleagues to know the extent of your knowledge of Defense Against the Dark Arts?” This isn’t exactly the best way to solve it, but it comes out and directly states it. Another way: “Correct. And do you really believe it would be in your best interest for my… colleagues to know the extent of your knowledge of Defense Against the Dark Arts?” By using a combination of italics and the ellipse, you still get the same pause but you also get the emphasis of the word colleagues which is what you are attempting to do in the first place. I’ll spare you the other one. I don’t want to spend too much time on these… things. XD
I also have to mention, but I really don’t have to, the fact that you use words to your advantage. You can manipulate the world around you in such a way that it just enhances the whole experience about this moment you are portraying. One example, Twenty minutes later Hermione emerged from the steaming water of the prefect’s bath with noticeably clearer sinuses but an even more noticeably running nose. Much to her consternation, she had to stop and make use of the handkerchief several times while performing a drying charm on her hair. I LOVE this. It just shows Hermione being herself. I also heart the word “consternation”.
As usual, brilliant. Lian, do you really need me to tell you this every time you post something new? No, no you don’t. But I like telling you anyway. : ) I loved it.
I return with another review. This one won’t be as long as the other (or, as edited by myself later - it can be very much longer) mainly due to the fact that one took two days to finish and I’d rather get this one done within the hour. Enough about me, let’s talk about you. More to the point, let’s talk about your story, and what you have done with the second part of the prologue. First, I must point out that you once again manage to grab details and shake them with your all-mighty fist. I am talking about the timeline specifically. It may seem easy to figure out how everything would be placed to make sure it fits in with canon, but I know from personal experience that it can be a - well, in nicer words: witch. However, there are no mistakes here, and it flows seamlessly.
Now. I simply must talk about the fantastic way you handled the backstory of the upcoming fic (I am still in shock that this is simply a prologue, when it could actually be the fic itself, you know.) And, unlike many prologues that are scattered through so many stories, this actual prologue is what happened before the story began, and it shows why this or that happened, which I do not yet know, so I will refer to those moments as “this or that”. I cannot get over the fact that it was done so well. And normally I’m extremely opposed to splitting up a prologue into two portions. However, this splitting up was a wise judgment on your part. It makes sense, for first, we see the moment that triggers the story, and the many years leading up to the first chapter. Yes, Anna dear, I am very impressed with not only your organizational skills but also the relevance of the prologue.
Before I actually dive into the technical aspects, I must talk about the plot. How COULD you? I am not shocked in the least that you killed her, but, I really liked her as a character and now she is gone and Lucius doesn’t really care. It makes sense, her son being on his own, with being an illegitimate child and all, but I am still very sad that you killed her. That, to me, seems to be the major point that you tried to get across in this chapter: she’s gone, and Lucius, Lucas, and Mr Malory are the only three people on the planet who know about who Lucas’ father actually is, and we all know Mr Malory is probably going to drop dead any moment now, so that just leaves father and son. It does leave quite a bit of room for complications ahead, and I am positive that you will make a brilliant story, based solely on these two prologues (and I’m not even including your past work in the equation). I can’t wait to read it.
You use some scrumptious words here, and it all starts with the first letter to Lucius (I love this prologue title, by the way). First you start with the word “dearest”. Let me just say, it seems like something someone of high status would say in a letter, no matter who it is to. “It is my hope that by sending this letter at such a busy time of the year, it will pass unnoticed by others. If all goes well, you should be able to explain it as yet another Christmas greeting.” I just love the use of “pass unnoticed” here. Scrumptious indeed. And, how lucky Lucius is to not have anyone around so he doesn’t make excuses for the letter. Always thinking, that Grace.
“Nor will I admit that I miss you.” I just think that this sentence speaks volumes. For one - it was just lust that Lucius was feeling, and obviously Grace as well. It also shows that she can live happily without Lucius, as the large space of time between letters shows. This letter is strictly business. Why? Oh, the only thing that would happen with such a chance encounter and shagging session: an illegitimate child! It also helps to know that the summary told us this and that it was obvious what was going to happen so I can’t honestly say I’m surprised. Still. Also in this paragraph, you have one itsy bitsy typo. “But after hours of debating in my already tired mind, I have decided to at lest tell you.” Although lest is a word, I do believe it’s supposed to be “least” according to context.
I have another bit of crit for you before I start heaping on the praise (Good LORD I’m at like 770 words and I’m not even a fourth of the way down the page XD). “I trust you will be able to, seeing as any bit of his presence in your life would… complicate it.” In letters, I doubt that many people use ellipses mainly because it just seems unnecessary, unless you are clearly indicating a pause, and I doubt that Grace would use that tactic in the instance it is used.
“The white flakes seemed to hypnotise him, and he stared into the endless distance.” I really like this. Is the endless distance caused by the fact that not only is everything covered in snow, but it just doesn’t stop snowing? I enjoy it when a sentence gives me the chance to think about why it’s like that. It helps me get a clearer image in my mind of how the scene is set. Also, I don’t know if “hypnotise” is spelled all British and whatnot, but I spell it as “hypnotize”, with a z. Just in case it’s a typo. : )
“Barely covered by silk sheets, she had stroked the back of his neck and said that he was too young and too handsome, that they would never be accepted even if he was not already engaged to another woman.” I had to mention this, mainly because it just seems like such a Sins prelude (I know, I know, Sins isn’t canon, I’ve forgotten again…). It also strikes me as incredibly odd, because here is a woman of high stature in bed with a young man of high stature, who oddly are under silk sheets. I thought Lucius was the domineering one, like he should be talking and he should be stroking her neck. But no, it’s the other way around, and it seems as if that Veela blood in Grace controls her. I love that, Anna.
This entire seen of the two of them in bed is quite nice imagery, for you don’t spare us the detail that matter - not how exhausted the two of them were after going at it like a couple on their honeymoon, but how Lucius knew how Grace worked - “And Grace was proud. She might not admit to being affected by gossip and ill speaking, but Lucius knew she was more vulnerable than she let on.” I think this is quite important for you to include, because not only is that a frequent feeling in most of us, it also shows us why Grace warns Lucius how to be secretive in the first place, even though he might already be in the know. It’s an incredibly dazzling connection, and I applaud you for it.
Some more crit here. “His eyes were suddenly watering from not having blinked for too long, so he shook his head to rid it of the trance.” When you mention “it”, it seems like you are referring to his head instead of his eyes. And, in the case you actually are referring to his head, I’d strongly suggest you’d replace “it” with “himself”, as it would sound better this way, and not be as confusing.
Now, as I read, this pair of sentences strikes me as extremely telling on how the pureblooded society works in England. “He had long since given up the right to do things for the sake of his own emotions. He had asked Narcissa to marry him at his parents’ particular suggestion, to strengthen the alliance between two already powerful pure-blood houses. If he attempted to break up, the Blacks would not be forgiving.” Mainly, the first sentence stands as a reminder that in pureblooded society, you never do things to help others or yourself. You do things for a cause. This is one reason why I believe that Lord Voldemort was able to persuade some of these families easily to join him. That’s just the way they think. And I included the second sentence mainly because of what is insinuated by “…the Blacks would not be forgiving.”. Honestly, can you just imagine Bellatrix coming up to Lucius and Grace one day and cursing them into the ground? Not a good mental image, I know, but it’s certainly funny that they’d get high on revenge.
Now, I’m not even at the halfway point of the chapter and I’ve managed to write 1500 words. This does not bode well for my sanity. So, to keep me from completely spazzing out and being sent to the crazy train for people who write extremely long reviews, I’m going to take only one (or two?) paragraphs on the middle section of the prologue, mainly because I find that it’s the least important section of the chapter. Yes, we hear that Grace suddenly decides to sit down and write a letter to Lucius after 12 years of no correspondence whatsoever (though I can’t really blame her, can I?), but I think the most important thing to take note of is the fact that you managed to tie canon into your fic by having Lucius attempt to send Draco to Durmstrang, and to have Narcissa insist he go to Hogwarts. Well done, because I believe many of us have forgotten that little detail.
I have one comment on word choice. “Lucius had toyed with the idea for some time now, to join the board of governors.” I love your choice of the word “toyed”. It just shows Lucius has limitless opportunities to do so many things, just being one of them. I find it a very good choice of verb. : )
Anna, I must stop myself from reviewing further. If I do, this review will reach 4500 words, and you already know my reaction to your killing off my favorite character so far. ;) I hope you don’t terribly mind. I’m seriously about to enter the crazy train, so au revoir!
There is just something about pureblooded wizarding culture that fascinates me. I don’t know why - I’m of the opinion that it’s a mix of my interest in the lifestyles of the rich and the tour de force known as Sins of the Father - and that’s why this is alluring. Well, one of the many, many reasons, most of which I’ll get to later. I could tell you that it’s because I’ve read enough of your work to know that this will be of the highest caliber, but that’s a given, and you’ll deny it anyway even though it’s true, so it’s not that. I could also say that it’s because of the fantastically written summary which gives me willies reading it because I just *know* it’ll be amazing. But I think that the main reason that it’s alluring is the fact that when you go to read it, the first sentence just completely grabs you - “A young man was standing half-way up an impressive staircase, looking down on the sea of people mingling below.” - and all of a sudden, you’re on this ride that buckles you up and takes you along whether you like your pureblooded wizards or not.
Your greatest strength, Anna, is that you have this innate ability to take what would seem as only minor details and make them full of richness and splendor. For instance - “A satisfied smile played on his lips, and he was dressed in robes of the finest cut and quality, by the best wizard tailors.” It not only gives us insight into this man’s character, but it resonates high society, for who else would have been dressed in robes such as those if not the highest in the social ladder?
“As he browsed the crowds, he remembered something better yet: that dressed in red and dancing in the ball room was his new fiancée, showing off her qualities to less privileged men.” I can’t help but wonder Anna, if Lucius is speaking of being privileged in the manner of his wife, her bosom, or the fact he has more money then the rest of the attendees? Upon further reading into the paragraph, it turns out that no, he really likes her. Interesting. Anna, you have his character wrapped around your little finger.
“It would be good if the two women could get along, seeing as they would be living at the same manor soon enough.” This sentence really amuses me. For one, I immediately think of the two sparring against each other and word duels to the intensity of Lucius’ and Siobhan’s. Well, almost. The second thing that I think of when I read this is the fact that Lucius won’t be moving out of his parents’ house, unlike the culture here in the US where we like to move out as soon as humanly possible. Houses must be passed through the families too, eh?
“Lucius was distracted from his musings when a heavy hand was placed on his shoulder.” It’s exactly like a movie. And what’s coming next, the little exchange between Lucius and his father - and the description of their relationship - really demonstrates why pureblooded society is as indifferent and gossipy and cold as it is.
“Both Malfoys watched as a certain Orion Black, tall and threateningly handsome, joined in the conversation below. Abraxas’ hand on Lucius’ shoulder immediately stiffened, before he quickly withdrew it.” I do believe that this is one of those moments where you give so much meaning to one little bit of your story. It just demonstrates what you have said earlier - “Lucius knew his father was still jealously guarding her from other men, a fact that never ceased to surprise him.” Delicious details, m’dear.
I’m going to skip through the story now - for if I continue the way I’m going, this review will reach the length of a football field. For giants. *nods* I’m picking up here. “Lydia, reading her son as easily as an open Potions book, smirked knowingly. ‘Lucius dear, why don’t you give Miss Grace a tour of the house?’” Oh, Lydia. How I DO love you and your ability to detect sexual tension. Not only are you such a graceful woman and clearly gorgeous, you know when there is clearly interest between two people and - as I will elaborate further ahead in this review - when they are about to shag like bunnies. I applaud you.
“He turned towards the magnificent woman, preparing to untwist his tongue. But as he took in the sight of her, hair aglow with reflections from chandelier light and figure subtly framed by green draperies, he felt words travelling over his lips with surprising easiness. Contrary to most of his species, Lucius does in fact find it easier to talk to a gorgeous woman then an ugly simpleton. It also strikes me curious as how he doesn’t strive to impress our dear Miss Malory. Of does he? Not wanting to seem like a simpleton would, in fact, count. Once again, your attention to detail strikes me as your biggest strength.
“He figured she could not have been too displeased, because she chose to answer. “Neither, thank you. I would like to look around but only a little, and talk even less.” I want to talk about this bit due to the fact it’s the only sentence I could find where I found something I love and something I could live without. I’ll first say that with all the rich verbs, adjectives, phrases, and dialogue that you have twinkling throughout, “figured” seems heavily out of place. I would substitute with a word like “guessed”, which sounds much more distinguished. However, “could not have been too displeased” is probably my favorite bit in the entire prologue, for it is a paradox of words and uses double negatives but it works. It not only works, but it makes the sentence stand out, even though normally, a sentence such as this, with such little importance, wouldn’t. Bravo, bravo!
“The rooms were buzzing with chatting and occasional spells, and sparkles from multiple Glamour charms twinkled in the intoxicating air.” I must eat my words. THIS is my favorite phrase in the entire piece. This is mainly because you invented Glamour charms. And, to top that off, you followed if with what is quite possibly the best string of words that you could have used. Fantastic. : )
“‘I’ve already met with the people I wanted to speak to,” he shrugged. “I tend to think that the rest is for women’s amusement.’” To fit in some more crit, I must say that “shrugging” seems like a very simpleton thing for Mr Malfoy to do. I do, however, enjoy the insight we get from this statement. Surely not all women enjoy the balls, yes? I also believe that some of the men might enjoy parties as well. Could we be stereotyping, Lucius? For shame!
“‘I see. What a pity.’ She took another sip of wine and closed her eyes.” This really speaks for itself. You obviously know how to suggest that seduction is being used here, all with a simple, nonchalant motion and a few words of dialogue. Heavens, Anna, I do believe your attention to detail strikes again! But what makes this even more enjoyable is Lucius’ reaction: “Lucius felt as if a dazzling light had suddenly been extinguished.” I giggled when I read this. I don’t know why. It just amused me.
I’m skipping past the sudden lustful!Lucius and the dance scene, for they really explain themselves - and I’m going to talk about this: “‘Mr Malfoy.’ She demanded his attention in a low voice that made him tremble. ‘Are you planning on escorting me to somewhere more private? Or are we to risk a scandal behind one of your draperies?’” Mainly, I’m quoting this because of “Or are we to risk a scandal behind one of your draperies?”. I LOVE this line. It sounds poetic and naughty and something like a woman of high estate would say when they are about to shag like bunnies (like a simpleton such as myself would say). Very amusing, and your character abilities take a moment to shine through here. Before, they only take a backseat, but I do believe that this is when you finally have them at the forefront. Why? Well…
“He did not answer, but looked towards the hall. Tightening her grip on his wrist, Lydia Malfoy shook her head. ‘No, my son. I thought I had raised you not to be a fool? Find a better way through the back rooms!’
He almost forgot his urgency and stopped to closely examine her face. “Mother?”
“Go, Lucius. And don’t let your father see you.”
This, my dear, makes you and Lydia WIN AT LIFE. Not only is the exchange totally unexpected, it’s also uncalled for, not needed, but so incredibly delicious and reveal so much about Lydia’s character that I am in total shock. Anna. Honestly. That was incredible.
I am now (finally!) at the end of the review, and I can truly say this: I look forward to reading the rest of your fic. And, let me finish by saying this: Lucius may have been seduced by Grace, but I was seduced by the amazing imagery, bits of humour, and story telling you always include in your work.
Hello! I normally never venture into poetry, but I find myself doing that now, and I believe a review for your wonderful poem is in order. First, I’d like to point out that I don’t know much about poetry, just the basics. I must say though, I really enjoyed reading this piece, mainly because the story isn’t altogether clear, which means it can translate into several different meanings for anyone who reads it (whether they see it as some other pair in the fandom, relate it to their own life or see something completely different than what is meant). And that’s something that always makes a poem enjoyable.
First, I simply must comment on the unnatural rhythm to the piece, one that I haven’t see before. For some, this might not be a good thing, but for me, it shows that not all poetry has to be in balance for it to touch a chord with the reader. For instance: “Every two heartbeats, it’s you and me who threads, Hand in hand, touch surges through my blood; that sweet, blessed caress…” There really is no pattern to be found here, but I find that it makes no difference, as it paces itself like it should, so, sensual, and caring.
To fit in a tiny bit of crit: “As celestial green Wind swivels through two beats of white, bridal, bridle sash…” I’m not exactly sure why “wind” is capitalized here and, if it needs to be, what it is a metaphor for. I do like your use of “celestial”, however, because it’s a word not often used in regular fan fiction, let alone poetry.
“Waters fall, and rhythms fade when I look into your eyes - your perfect cadence - And the last droplet of light leaves your eyes, and glides…” This strikes me as the most important moment in the poem, when Harry dies, and Ginny sees the last bit of life flicker out, like a light bulb. It’s an incredibly sad moment, and I do enjoy how you describe to us what happens in that single moment when Harry is murdered - “Waters fall, and rhythms fade…” Ginny loses touch of everything around her, and only sees Harry falling (how I envision it) paints a profound portrait. Very nice. To fit in a last bit of crit, the comma after “fall” should be removed.
Overall, very nice. I enjoyed it, and I’m sure others have too. : )
I’d like to start off with this review wondering why on good God’s Earth this hasn’t any reviews yet. Well, I’m fixing that right now, because I think that this has got to be the best poem I have read so far on MNFF. I will also begin with my stating that I could not find a single thing that could be improved. I only have love and adoration to shower upon your piece. The whole thing really is a clever metaphor, and I applaud the creativity used. Creativity is sadly hard to find these days, and originality is even harder, so I applaud you even more for that.
Now. I have two or three lines I’d just like to bring up and talk about, for differing reasons. The first one: “The clouds are melting in the sky. There’s chance that you could sing away the rain…” I find this to be my favorite part of the entire thing. For one, the choice of verbs is perplexing yet in context, particularly the word “melting”. Clouds can’t melt, no, but they certainly can appear so. It’s not only a clever metaphor within a clever metaphor, it can also be viewed literally as a nice bit of writing. I also enjoy what I draw from “…sing away the rain…”: Harry has that ever so slight chance that he can bring the reign of terror to a close, and just the use of the word “sing” is chosen well.
“The choices always crumble slowly, for your life has never been an answered question…” I’d just like to say that this is a fantastic way of describing Harry and his world up to his battle with Voldemort. Each book, he makes choices that lead into bigger choices every step of the way, and none of his problems can just be shut away by a wave of his wand. And they do “crumble slowly” as you say, for doesn’t it take Harry seven years and hundreds of choices to build up to that last, climatic moment? I enjoyed this line very much. It just makes me think.
I guess, in a whole, I could say that the whole piece makes me think. But for a clever metaphor, that’s not surprising. Genius, if I am allowed to say. : )
So, reading through the summary, I immediately noticed that your imagery was going to be utterly brilliant. I’d be hard pressed to think of an author who has better imagery than you do - I mean honestly, your words always mingle into this like… feast of stunning visuals that you just can’t help but read two or three times just to fully bathe in the beauty. Secrets dance through whispered words…as the light fades. Really, Sarah? It’s gorgeous imagery. And, now that’s 80 words on the summary alone… let’s move on to the actual fic, shall we? ;)
The scene set up here is entirely romantic - Narcissa lying in a field of daisies, waiting for her companion to arrive? Her skirt fluttering upward in a gentle breeze? Well, we certainly know what purpose this sort of environment serves, don’t we? I could go pages and pages and pages about your word choice and how these visuals paint such an incredible picture in my head, but I won’t allow myself the pleasure. After all, I want to finish this review tonight.
On that vein, let’s move forward - Narcissa’s companion is five years her junior, still in school, and since I had no idea of the pairing when I began reading, I figured this could be just about anybody. But no, no, it wasn’t just anybody. You had a rather clever way of expressing it too, as it caught me off guard to read “No, James, you know that’s not how we play.” Literary surprise is often difficult to achieve but you pull it off brilliantly here. And then, their movements - which carry on for most of the rest of the fic - are so fluid and experienced and real; it feels like this is an actual novel I’m reading and that it won prizes for it’s fluidity.
I love how you take note of Narcissa’s dominance, and then go on to say That was why it was so easy to take control of him – he would never hurt her, or be anything less than gentle with her. The naivety of this statement illustrates this sort of summer love tone that you established - it’s brilliant, it’s lovely to read, but most of all, it’s simply heartbreaking. We know this won’t last forever, but poor Narcissa - she doesn’t know any better, and both she and James seem to be in a state of bliss; a dream that they don’t want to wake up from, but we know she’ll marry Lucius, that she’ll become engaged. And that they’re in love, and it won’t work out between them.
Before I venture any further, I have to say that it was quite a good idea to illustrate their little love meeting thing with Narcissa’s point of view, because then the reader knows that Narcissa really did love James, and that it wasn’t a fling - and that makes James’ heartbreak even harder to witness. I also believe that the second half of this story can be summed up best with: Oh, wow. : (
That was absolutely LOVELY, Sarah! Thank you for the fabulous treat! :D
But when Libra Malfoy, daughter of foreign diplomats Scorpius and Rose Malfoy, is accepted, she’s not sure what to make of her mysterious new school. As she begins to investigate the strange happenings at Salem, she finds herself tangled in a web of deceit and danger. Could Salem’s methods be rooted in something sinister? It’s only too possible…
Fantastic, Hal! I loved every line of your story. I'll definitely start reading again when you post chapters. I especially love your description in the beginning of Mishamash, and the story is so intriguing. I love it! :)
First off, I must thank you for the dedication that you included in your liner notes. It makes my heart especially fuzzy whenever I come to re-read the prologue in the hopes that I will write a review for it. (I know, I know, I’m always late in reviewing. It’s a rather bad habit of mine. I’ll be sure to work on it in the future.)
The premise of your story, as I have told you many times before, is amazing. Not simply because you’re using the world of Harry Potter in such an admirable way, but because you’re taking outside ideas about political history and government and incorporating them into this world. It’s highly imaginative and clever, and I think Jo would be proud of the work you’re putting into this to make it as believable as possible. After all, she showed her political views through the Ministry; you’ve done the exact same thing here. I think it’s interesting that you’ve chosen a fascist regime to attach to the wizarding world, because I think, given the fear of Muggleborns by some clearly well-connected people in the higher rankings of the Ministry, a takeover by one especially prominent person who wishes to keep Muggle ideals from infiltrating their society is very likely. I see the age of Harry Potter/Voldemort, in canon, as a last hurrah for the prejudice against Muggleborns, and that eventually the fear died away. However, in your alternate universe, that fear became one for Muggles and it caused some sort of uprising to overtake the Ministry; Voldemort’s time was only a stomach rumble before the cramps begin. It’s fascinating, especially for us who geek out of such things, and I can’t wait to see what exactly happened to bring this fear back to the forefront of people’s minds.
From the very beginning, we see that something isn’t right about this setting. There was an attempt to bring warmth into the room, but there isn’t any doubt that the room has changed drastically from its original state. After all this statement - sweeping his forefinger across the table and leaving a dark line in the dust - clearly illustrates that for us. Of all the portraits that were hung on the walls, only one is left, but why? Well, I know why, but it’s a good set up for what your summary promised us: not everything is as it seems. This little anecdote could also be applied to this little bit of dialogue: “It is time for history to change course, Murphy. A new beginning for England. This sentimental nonsense associated with things long gone does not serve our purpose well. And neither does the so-called inspiration it brings.” In any other situation, this could be construed quite differently, but all it does it raise several questions in my mind. What exactly is this sentimental nonsense, and why does it need to be eliminated? It has something in common with the story of Harry Potter – cleverly inserted too, dear – and we, as the audience, know that it’s not for the better of the world, but for the Party that is in power.
While I’m speaking of the Party, let’s discuss them as well. I absolutely adore (and hate from a non-literary mind, as I should) the concept of this Party. When, for the first time you mention the Party, we’re given loads of information. We, the audience, begin to better understand everything that is mentioned in this prologue, because it is the Party that connects everything mentioned together. We know their motto (“Magic is Might. Truth is Power. Community is Strength.”), which sheds light on their ideals: Magic is Might tells us that there is no room for Muggles in their world; Truth is Power gives us an idea that their deceiving the public, since Hever and Murphy are attempting to cover information about the story of Harry Potter up; and Community is Strength lets the audience know that any individual who attempts to bring any sort of new, changing ideals to the Party will be labeled as an “enemy of the community.” You’ve given us so much with that motto alone, and I think it will factor into the future as well. It’s quite brilliant, actually. The audience also becomes aware, once the Party is mentioned, that whatever Hever and Murphy are planning is a government controlled operation. The question that brings to our minds is “Why?” What exactly is it about Harry’s story that doesn’t live up to the Party’s standards, and what exactly will they change? If someone who’s reading doesn’t pick up on any of this, they will at least know that something’s amiss, and that these people aren’t good people. Very good job on that front.
I also have to commend you on your subtlety in bringing your main character, Catherine, into the picture. We’re given only a little bit of information about her, but it’s enough to wet our thirst for more. She’s, at the moment, a bit of an anti-hero (given her support of the Party, who we already covered as being bad people), but she’s definitely smart, and that’s half of the battle right there. I’ve read the first chapter already, so I do know more of her, but I can’t wait to know even more. Why exactly is she following the Party? What’s her entire family situation? This prologue works, mainly, because in conjunction with the summary, many questions are raised about your story that will keep people coming back for more, and it’s going to be a very long journey. I want to know more about the Party and how they came to this situation historically, but my inner history buff can wait. It’s all about Catherine right now, and without Catherine, there would be no story. Great job there.
There’s not much to comment on in the realm of concrit, but one thing I did happen to spot was that you say that the room was somewhat decrepit even with the description that there were several gauges in the wood and dust and cobwebs were everywhere. Could you replace that word with something a little less definitive, maybe? Something like “worn” would work better, I think.
Overall, I love it. I’m uber excited that you began to work on the story in the first place, and your writing is always exceptional. I’m really looking forward to finding more about the Party, the current situations surrounding it, and how it came to be in the first place, but that will come in time. I’m sure that this is the start of another great fanfic, and I’m terribly excited that I’ll be able to sit and enjoy the ride.
Ah, Patrick. This WAS a nice surprise. Don't worry -- I don't mind the delays in your reviews, especially when I get one as wonderful as this.
Really, what else can I say? Thank you. And I really do mean that sincerely. You've supported this project from the beginning, and your unyielding encouragement is one of the major reasons why I'm determined to keep writing. I look forward to showing you chapter two!