It was a beautiful story- I really liked the characterisation of Draco, and how, whilst still being a Malfoy (I particularly liked the line "A Malfoy never ran away. We rescheduled, but we never ran.") he's become someone we can warm to and respect. I also liked Astoria- particularly the description/ build up to their first kiss. Beautiful story

Author's Response: Thank you. I'm glad you liked the characterisation. :)

Minna that was beautiful. I love the fact that you don't look at the moment when she actually "breaks up" with Severus, but at her getting ready for that moment instead. I also like the way you describe Mary and Lily's friendship- I think it's very realistic and not over the top.

I also love the way Lily logically and sensibly thinks about her relations with James and Severus. It's not over the top, but the way it is set out to lead to her conclusions is very clever.

I also love the ending. It's the right balance of implying what will happen later and not taking things too quickly.

I also love the image of James being "like a dog that knew it had done something wrong." As well as being quite cute I think it highlights the difference between him and Severus.

Anyway great story- thank you!

Author's Response: Thanks for reading and reviewing - and for liking the story! It makes me happy that you guys think my reasoning makes sense.

I really enjoyed this chapter- though I have to say stick a collapsing buliding covered in plants into a story and you've got me happy.
I love the complete contrast in tone from the beginning of the first chapter to thebeginning of the second.
I also like the way James' first thought was anger and Peter, but his second was looking for his wife and child. I think that shows how much he's matured- I also thought it was very realisitc that he was so bent on searching for them that he did not really think about the state the house was in.
I think the most powerful thing however was James remembering he did not like having the curtains closed because he liked the night sky, and the promise of freedom, and then the fact that once he gains freedom it is to find daylight and rubble.
One thing is that the ending of this chapter seems very rushed. I'm sorry I can't really give any more constructive criticism than that, but the shift from joy at finding Lily alive and realising Harry is not with her could possiblky have been emphasised further by a bit more of a build up to finding Lily in the rubble. I don't know- but I really did enjoy this chapter in particular and really think the concept is an interesting one- looking forward to reading the next chapter!

Author's Response: Thanks very much for reviewing! I'll have another look at the ending when I've got the time. Thanks again :)

Hello Kara- I thought I’d leave you a review for the first two chapters of your story :)

First of all, I love the style this story is written in. It is very distinctive, because whilst its mostly Remus’ POV, there’s also a certain knowingness about the narration which is very light but also amusing. For example:

But Remus had already disappeared up the stairs anyway, and Dumbledore must have thought it unwise to press that matter further, especially in the light of what he was going to ask of Mr Lupin, so the two men disappeared into the sitting room.

This is very distant from Remus’ POV but also suggests some sort of intimacy. I can’t really explain it better than that, but you do the same thing here:

staring at the stranger with round eyes and a curiosity only children could bear without embarrassment.

where obviously Remus would not be aware of how he appears, but the narrator is. However the narrator is also capable of getting into Remus’ head as shown by this description of how he had already completely pictured in his head (and so wonderful it was)? of Hogwarts, which is a lovely touch of how idyllic he sees it as being, and far removed from his current life.

I seem to be quoting alot of your own writing back at you--serves me right for doing this in the middle of an essay-writing break (sorry about that) but I do think your style is lovely, so thought it worth talking rather a lot about. However occasionally this style can be rather detached from the story. For example, when Dumbledore says ““Oh yes, I did,” the visitor answered.” referring to him as the visitor, given he’s already been named in the narration seems a bit odd.

However your dialogue is lovely. I particularly love the interactions of Remus and his father, though in this case: please, go to your room to read while Professor Dumbledore and I talk, right? where the ‘right’ here didn’t sound very naturalistic, and a bit unnecessary as a word in that context anyway.

I do love your characterisation of Dumbledore. He’s wise, knowing, and obviously slightly perplexing to Remus’ father, particularly when he says: “But I don’t!” To Remus’ astonishment, the visitor’s voice sounded almost happy. which is just a lovely example of Dumbledore playing with people’s expectations of him. I also like the way he doesn’t tell Remus’ father that Remus was eavesdropping on them, because Dumbledore has a playful side and is almost always on the children’s side, so that was excellent characterisation.

Likewise I thought Remus was very well-written. You got a strong sense of the strength of his relationship with his father, as well as, however, the isolation of being a werewolf, and not having had much interaction with people his own age. However I think Remus is intelligent enough to have asked some questions about his possible education--after all, he reads alot so chances are he’d know what the norm was, and therefore would know something about Hogwarts, so the sentence: What was Hogwarts? sounded a bit odd, and the idealisation of Hogwarts I think would have happened prior to Dumbledore’s arrival.

I thought the way his isolation meant, instead of craving attention/ company, he searched for an empty compartment. Also you don’t mention his isolation that explicitly--you say things like:

never in his life had he seen so many people in one place,let alone children of his own age.

Which shows very clearly that he’s not had much company, but doesn’t tell us.

And I think I said earlier, but I’ll say it again, that I loved the characterisation of Remus’ dad. He was concerned, but always caring, nervous about letting Remus go, puritanical about buying too much stuff, but also obviously with a lot of love for his son. You do it very subtly, and the reader knows this by the time you say:

He rarely showed such emotion and affection to Remus

I did find his reiterating of the plan with the whomping willow on a crowded station platform slightly risky though, and out of character given the care he’d shown before. You could get round this to Remus recalling a time when they had discussed the plan earlier, if you want.

I loved their final conversation though. Everything was so nicely done- the realisation of what Remus’ father had done, having been with his son during the transformations, emphasises his love for his son, as does the final wink and wave he gives Remus at the end was very sweet, without being too sickly sweet.

As I hope you can tell, I really enjoyed this story and am very much looking forward to reading/beta-ing the rest. Alex

Author's Response: Oooh thank you so much for this! Wow, I don't think I've had a review in ages! :D And this is an amazing one :) I can't believe how long ago I wrote this story. I thought the date stamp was broken just now because I was sure it was only one year ago... I think the reason why Remus didn't know about Hogwarts was that he got mostly Muggle books to read. So he might know about school in general, but I'm not sure he would have heard about Hogwarts. Certainly, his father would have nipped any sort of curiosity on the subject in the bud. I hope I can retain this style as I keep writing... Really, it's so great that you like it! :D I was a bit worried that it wouldn't be your sort of story at all, which would ahve made the betaing a bit awkward I think... You're right about the conversation in the end - I'm not sure anyone would overhear them, but they'd probably try and be more cautious. Hopefully, I'll get the next chapter to you soon! Again, thank you so so much for this wonderful review! :)

Jess! I can't wait for Draco and Albus to head to Azkaban. I love your characterisation of Draco. He has changed completely and that is completely natural but is still haunted by the actions of his father. I loved the dialogue between him and Albus. It worked really well.

Maybe it's just because I've heard so many things about your story, but I did expect Goyle to turn out to be a -- and rapist, but the way you described it, jumping form James' memory and then slipping into Lily's pov was beautifully done. I think you needed to make it graphic. It makes us sympathise with Lily all the more. And James is a fantastic brother. I loved the line "the man was a monster and did not deserve to live, but did he deserve to die?" It's a very subtle distinction but a good one.

I also like the way James morality means that he feels someone has to be punished. Personally I would have covered everything up, which makes James of course a much better person than me.

Your characterisation is so solid! There's no weak link, every character is fully realised which, considering all we know about most of these characters is their name, and you are writing so far from JK's canon that in some ways even people like Draco and Harry are OCs (if that makes sense).

Although I am curious as to what happened between James getting arrested and Lily going missing. Whilst James, pretty much throughout the chapter, behaves brilliantly (and the scene where he heals Lily is so-- horrible but at the same time shows how much he cares about her) that it's rather amiss of him to leave Lily alone, even for a moment. Can't wait to read on!
Alex
(PS-Thanks for complimenting my time management skills but really they consist of writing my stories/ reading stuff not on course list/ and then writing essays/ reading course books at three a.m. See if that works for you :) )

Author's Response:

I have always held that evil is in the eye of the beholder. What could be someone's dastardly deed could be someone else's just desserts. Everyone feels some level of justification for what they do, as least as they're doing it. While 99.999% of humanity would like to see Goyle Jr punished for what he did to Lily, there are always those who see 'crimes' from the other side, the generally assumed 'wrong' side. I've always found the science behind criminal behavior to be fascinating, because I have never truly understood why people do some of the things they do and why they think it was a good idea. This story is actually a giant representation of that.

One thing I've always held it is that everybody changes -- sometimes for the better and sometimes for the worse. I'm not entirely certain that, with the job that he has and his personal sense of responsibility toward the safety to others, Harry was the same person he was when he was young, both morally and psychologically. The things that law enforcement sees... I really think he could have developed a warped sense of justice. This will come into play later in the story.

Draco is another matter. His life was over before he ever got a chance to live it, and it was only after essentially hiding in his own house that he could finally be himself. Yes, he's a snarky little prick when we meet him in the series, but like Harry, he would not come out of the series unchanged. What those changes were are subjective, and I simply chose to believe he could be a better person than he was when his father's beliefs were automatically his own.

Anyway, enough of the thesis on human tendencies and all that. I'm glad you like the story and the new dimensions I've added to known characters and the portrayal of lesser knowns. Enjoy the rest of the story, and I look forward to your next visit!

~Jess 

As desperate as I am to read the next chapter, I have to review this one. You killed Draco! How could you? And in such a perfect way. I think in many ways that is exactly how Draco wanted to die, because it's a clear sign to the world that he has changed.

So many times during this chapter I swore aloud. When Anne used the Cruciatus curse (which you planned perfectly because Moste Dark Magicke is one of the only magical books she's seen), when Draco died, when, just as Goyle was getting handed to the Aurors I thought everything was going to be all right and then realised it was Barnaby.

I loved the moment when Scorpius almost killed Goyle. The dialogue between him and Anne perfectly described just how close he was to doing it, but then had the strength of character not to. The distinction between 'law' and 'justice' is one which I think all the Potter/ Weasley clan saw as incredibly clear and obvious at chapter 1, but, despite their best efforts, is becoming rapidly more blurred. And what's Harry's secret? Who is the woman? I need to read on!

Author's Response:

Hehe, I was wondering when you'd find Draco dead.

Draco was always going to die. From the beginning of the story, Harry has had the arrogance to assume that he can handle this situation via his own agenda, and time and time again he is proven wrong. It was only fitting that the one person who had worked the hardest to be a better man, ironically because it was Harry's testimony which had given him the chance to do that, would be the one to pay the price for it. Harry could deal with dying for a member of his family, maybe even someone he'd never even met, but having yet another person be murdered because of him... he's lost his ability to cope with that. The worst part, though, is that he set it all in motion. He knew what Lily did, and more importantly, what James DIDN'T do, yet he decided to play god and shirk the law. Had he not done any of that, none of this would have happened, including Draco's death.

If any normal human being was faced with the one who murdered a close family member and handed a gun (well, in the Potterverse, a wand), many people would be surprised and disturbed by how close they would come to pulling the trigger. Most wouldn't, but that couldn't be an easy decision to make. That struggle had to be apparent.

Anyway, enjoy the rest of the story. This is where it gets kind of, er, convoluted.

~Jess 

God. I don't think I've ever used the phrase "emotional roller coaster" before because it's so cliche, but it fits your entire story, but particularly this chapter, so perfectly I have to. (Just read your response to the last chapter I reviewed. Slaughtering Ginny's character- yes. You have. Brilliantly). I had so much to say, but from the moment Ginny said she didn't want a divorce (sigh of relief) to Harry saying he did (which was really understandable but I didn't see coming at all) to them having sex (which isn't healthy, but at the same time understandable) I was on the edge of my seat, eyes pressed to the lap top.

One thing that I find really brilliant is your different portrayals of people in love. Like the scene between James and Augusta was simply lovely, but at the same time Ginny and Harry after thirty odd years are getting a divorce even though they love each other. Anne and Albus are moving so quickly, that, if you did not counterbalance their relationship with others built over time, or in a state of collapse than I may have - not lost interested because your plot is too good, but lost belief in what you are trying to show. If that makes sense. But because you do- and the line about being in love is not always enough. Whilst it's been said many times, it's been said because it's true, unlike all those sayings about "true love conquers all" etc and it fits perfectly in your story. I was so relieved when everything began to happen within the bounds of the law. However there are a few chapters to go, so I'm guessing the fall out from this will continue.

Author's Response:

Yes, ex sex is nearly always a bad idea, but I think they both needed that. The one thing that the angry Harry/Ginny shippers who read this story didn't understand is that they didn't get divorced because they hated each other; it happened because they had lost the ability to trust one another. Look at Harry leaving Ginny out of the loop as to what was happening with Lily. Yes, he should have told her that Lily was missing, but he didn't know -- even after decades together -- how she was going to take it. When a person has no idea how their significant other will react to certain news after that long, then it's but one indicator of a broken relationship.

As I said in the Mature Content discussion on the forums, I write adult themes, and this sort of family drama is a part of adult life. I think some of the non-believers in the latter chapters of this story just didn't understand that (I think one reader even demanded that I get them back together).

Anyway, on to your next review. I'm glad you're enthralled enough to sacrifice sleep, lol.

~Jess

Wow. That was beautiful. I loved the gentleness and resigned tone. The language and imagery you used was especially haunting and poetic.

I also really liked the playing with time. How you start with Andromeda looking back and then reference her future relationship with her daughter.

I think the way Andromeda doesn't seem to have had any control in her life and has always been judged except, crucially, by Ted Tonks was especially beautiful. I'm amazed this hasn't had more reviews to be honest but I'm sure you will get more very soon! Thank you for a beautiful story.

Author's Response: Thank you! I'm glad the time switches worked. I tend to overdo them, so I'm glad they worked in this fic.  I really wanted to capture the lack of control Andromeda has, so I'm pleased that came across.  Thank you so much for your review. :)

Soraya (xxbabewithbrainsxx) told me to read this story after I'd mentioned a similar idea in a story she beta-ed for me, though since that was something my mum told me, rather than actually experienced, yours was obviously way better. (Reviewing interrupted by dinner so this review will be far less coherent than I had hoped- sorry). The part where Harry looks at his son and talks about how it feels to fall in love, when he thought Ginny would be the only person he would fall in love with- from what I've read of your writing it's much more introspective than your other stories, and I think it's beautifully worded. Harry is no longer just Harry but a father, and that makes him stand for something else but it's also the Harry we know and love from the books. I'm not explaining myself very well, but this story is about fatherhood and love, rather than Harry and what happened next, which I think is really powerful. And you can tell it's really you talking rather than Harry. It's annoying when author's do that too often, but here it slips in perfectly. Alex

Author's Response:
Thanks for the review.

This story is, I’m certain, the most personal thing I’ve ever written (Sleepless Night is second). I hope that I haven’t stretched Harry’s characterisation, but I believe that parental love is a powerful emotion when you first experience it. When the lump in the belly suddenly becomes a tiny little person the confusing emotions experienced are overwhelming.

Harry in the books is certainly not self centred, in fact he always seems to be trying to look after others and I’d like to think that this would be his reaction. Warning, not all blokes feel like this (one of my workmates regards kids as an inconvenience).
-N-

Like Soraya, I'd promised myself not to read chaptered fics but am so glad I read this one (a welcome distraction from Alexander the Great). I'm sorry, there's not going to be much constructive crit as I'm just going to say how much I liked this story. I really enjoyed Janey's dialect and, though she was a bit cruel, she was being brutally honest and was the catalyst Lavender and Mark both needed to realise that something needed to change. Mark is really, really likeable (if slightly pathetic) and the dialogue is very realistic. You don't use that many dialogue tags, particularly in the scene with Parvati and Lavender but you don't really need them. I think my favourite scenes were the "talking about family" for the first time (with Lavender starting in such a rush, which was both funny and sweet) and the realisation that Mark's Dad had been a werewolf. It was very well balanced and well- judged. And the bedroom scene, which was also very sweet. I think I've said before how much I like your characterisation of Lavender and the mixture of showy confidence and the vulnerability and fear of being hurt beneath it. Which also led to the funny/ sweet part where she took her top off to show Mark the scars and he just looked above them. You're good on funny/ sweet. Apologies for the rambling review, but really lovely, well-written story- alex.

Author's Response:
I like Alexander the Great! Just watch Michael Wood’s series “In the footsteps of…”

I keep wondering if I could bring back Janey (I suspect not). Mark is a bit pathetic, but he tries hard, and I hate reading about perfect people.

I actually took a lot of dialogue tags from this when I was trying to make six chapters and almost 12,000 words fit the 10,000 word limit for a one-shot. In the end I simply deleted chapter 6 and reinstated the story to this form after the challenge had been judged. I never put the dialogue tags back because I didn’t think they were needed.

I see Lavender as being mostly front (in every sense) and really rather vulnerable in her private life. She’s great at giving advice, but terrible at receiving it.

Thanks for the review.

Neil