Well, hello there!

That was an excellent first story. You handled the theme of revenge really well. In fact, I'd say that you were going for more subtexts than the story lets on in the first read - the idea of a Slytherin being a Death Eater, and the argument over using a Killing Curse (the worst Unforgiveable, according to canon). Liam was certainly made more interesting by the fact that he was a Slytherin, and he is resourceful, cunning and ambitious. The ending was also superb: it leaves the question hanging, and though for Liam, the answer is already apparent by his final decision, it addresses the readers' conscience and sense of judgement.

Another thing I liked was your narrative style. You went through the history of Liam's reason for seeking vengeance, and the night when he goes out to do it in just two thousand words by craftily interspersing the memories into the narrative. That is indeed a huge achievement!

I would have preferred a bit more on why Liam's mother was attacked by a Death Eater, plus the timeline of the fic. Since the villain here is a Death Eater and not a random sex-offender and murderer (for I gather there was sexual abuse involved in Mrs Larkan's murder), it would have been interesting to figure Liam's own history - was he involved in either war?

My other nitpick is that spells should always be italicized.

That said, this is a fantastic debut on MNFF archives. ;)

~Natalie.

Author's Response: Thanks very much for that! Yeah, I typically dislike the whole 'Slytherins are evil' stereotype. That's why I prefer to paint the character in gray. The thought of revenge could easily consume any character, and this is simply how I felt one person may act upon it. I understand the need to italicize spells, too, but as you can see, I used italics in this story to connote the character's flashbacks, and didn't want any confusion. That noted, thanks again for reading and the review. ^^

Damn you, Jess! *wipes tears away* What is wrong with you? What is wrong with the world?

This was such a heartbreaking story, and really, I should have expected nothing less from you, you evil woman. But so well-written and engaging, so poignant and wonderful.

Oh well, what else is there to say. Brilliant!

~Natalie.

Author's Response:

Thank you, dear. I'm glad you appreciated it. 'Enjoy' probably wouldn't be the right word for that.

I've been asked why I never write about Teddy Lupin. I've always had this in my head as what happened, so I really didn't watn to put this into words. :*( Too sad.

Anyway, it's nice to chat, even if through review (ebil work). Heart heart heart and take care. :D

~Jesssssss

Oh Gina! You know how I feel about this fic.

*Perfection*

I have gushed so much in my review already. And now, I will be honest with you. I was worried how you would add to that; I knew you'd do great, don't get me wrong, but I was scared of expecting too much from someone.

AND YOU EXCELLED AT IT!

I seriously love your J/L. I could read them over and over again. This one was different because of the drunk! James approach, and how you wrote him so well. And Lily is so...believable and relatable. She seems really good for him.

The irony is the seemingly level-headed Lily learning so much from a drunk James, from the men who, even in his sober thought, she would never think of being anything less than immature. You executed that very well.

*I can only gush*

The ending was fabulous! This story makes me feel all warm and mushy inside. You have reaffirmed my love for this OTP.

Brilliant! Brilliant! Brilliant!

~Natalie.

P.S. I think you should put this up on lilyandjames.

Author's Response: Natalie! I'm so glad you came to read the final product! Thank you for the amazing review. This was all thanks to you, you know. Your status update, remember? And I stole it one night when I couldn't sleep, lol. I'm glad the second part lived up to your expectations, since I hadn't really planned on continuing and you know I had trouble with the end. The last line finally came to me and I'm glad it's finished. It was great fun to write. I don't know about brilliant, but I'm rather pleased with how it turned out, given it's nothing but talking and no plot, lolol. This will forever be my OTP but I think I should maybe start branching off, don't you? I will break them up, mark my word! LOL! Thanks again!! ~Gina :)

Hello there!

This was refreshing - filled with angst, urgency and drama, but refreshing all the same. I think what made it powerful, in spite of the shortness of the fic, was your writing style. It was so...I haven't got the word for it, but original and sharp. ;)

I feel that Regulus, and not Snape, would have made the first move. Snape is so Lily-obsessed in canon that I can't imagine him making a move on anyone else. I understand that Regulus himself wasn't in the state to carry out amorous advances, but Snape seems an unlikely choice. I am curious as to why you chose him.

Also, was that Lily's parents who got murdered? If it was them, I'd say you are amazing. Usually, I'd have raised an eyebrow at the Evans's being killed in a Death Eater attack, and that, too, by Regulus Black, but you have executed the idea so well, without fanfare and without being so obvious about it, that I can't help but be impressed.

All in all, I seriously enjoyed reading it.

~Natalie.

P.S. It's also an interesting read for me as I am currently writing a Regulus/Rabastan chaptered fic. :D

Author's Response: Thankyou! :) I'm glad you enjoyed it. The reason I chose Snape, I guess, was because I think he's lonely, and so's Regulus... I thought it would be interesting to try and throw them together in a romantic way, and this was what came out (although in the end, it was more eternally angsty than romantic... but then, considering the characters invovled, that should have been a given...). And yes, it was Lily's parents who were killed, I did wonder if anyone would pick up on that... It was an essential part of the story, so I didn't want to give too much detail on it, so I'm impressed people are noticing. Thankyou again for your gracious comments ^.^

One of my favourite artists writes a smashing Romione as well! SQUEE!

I absolutely adored this! You wrote both characters very convincingly, letting them wallow in self-pity and despair in the most fitting voice possible. I equally liked Ron ad Hermione’s parts, though Ron’s made me laugh out more. Hermione’s was bittersweet.

My sole nitpick has to do with the inconsistency in Hermione’s part. You start off in the Simple Present Tense, and then:

Hermione sighed.

and

Jealousy. What a bitter emotion. Hermione thought she had dealt with it before, watching Ron’s slack jawed gaze whenever they had been in the vicinity of Fleur Delacour. But this… this was the real thing.

From here to the next three paras, the tense has shifted to Simple Past. If you fix that, it would be even more fabulous.

I must say, I am excited to see what else you come up with. This was a great first story.

~Natalie.

Author's Response: Natalie! Thank you for reading my first one-shot! (I'm afraid you are under a misaprehension. This is not my first story, merely my first story with only one chapter. =D)

Your review has made me feel quite amazing. I love hearing that people adore my work, whether drawing or writing. You have now complemented both. =D Thank you so much for pointing out the tense inconsistency, I shall be sure to fix it soon.

Thank you for stopping by! Feel free to come again! Haha.

Hello!

- MNFF kept cutting off my review -

I was trawling through the General category and I came across this. As this seemed to be connected to your chaptered WIP Hermione, I thought I’d give it a read.

I do agree on your assessment of Snape – fans who see him as a ‘hero’ often gloss over his shortcomings. They are pretty glaring shortcomings, too. It was also interesting to make Hermione a mouthpiece for your argument. She would be clever enough to remember Snape was, well, ‘grey’ – neither good nor bad.

I would have enjoyed this more, however, if it wasn’t for the multiple typos and grammatical errors. For instance,

With the time change, it was obscenely late by the time she arrived at the Weasleys’.

It should be “she had arrived” as the “was obscenely” is in the Simple Past Tense.

Hermione’s tired shoulders slumped at the voice, and went to go join him on the sofa. What are you still doing up.”

As the subject is “Hermione’s shoulder” and not “Hermione”, you need to place a subject in the clause after the comma. Otherwise, it sounds like Hermione’s tired shoulders went to join Ron. I am also not sure why the next sentence doesn’t have an interrogation mark – it doesn’t work as a statement.

“If he became a teacher under any other circumstances, he would have been sacked long before any of us started at Hogwarts!"

Another tense confusion here - it should be “if he had become”.

There are also typos, “Hermione speech” for instance, which can cause a break in the flow of reading. Perhaps, you could give this one-shot a reread and edit it?

As for characterization, I thought Hermione could do without the excessive swearing. It’s just that we see her angry a lot in the books and she never swears. The only time she comes close to it is ‘Merlin’s pants’, and that doesn’t exactly sound like as bad as ‘bloody bullshit’.

I prolly sound like a prick, but I do feel that a bit of editing, this story could be a lot more decent.

~Natalie

Author's Response: Yes, I'm think of sending all my stories back to a beta for a second round of editing. As for Hermione's swearing, have you ever watched a nerd finally spazz out after holding in their feelings for a long time. It gets really ugly. And I feel like Hermione is capable of holding in a lot of rage until it finally explodes. And in the story, Hermione actually remarks at how out of character this is for her, but that she can't stop because it feels so good to finally say all these things.

Oh, you know how I love this. :)

Dean/Anyone makes me happy in general, but this pairing really surprised me. I wasn’t expecting it at all. But you did it, didn’t you? You pulled it off. Nothing about this was incredulous. You showed they both had something in common, a terrible experience which would pull them together. It took time, but when they finally get together, I was smiling in relief. Something about it felt just right.

Your characterization was spot on. I have always thought of post-War Dean as reserved and somewhat moody; we can see him heading that way in DH. There is a sort of loneliness in him which makes me ache. That Dean is here.

Hestia was lovely, and so close to how I pictured her. Brave, yet funny. She seemed right for Dean, and I hope they had a good relationship.

Lastly, thank you for this amazing birthday present. :D I have such great friends, and you’re one of the very best. LOVE YOU!

*hugs*

~Natalie

Author's Response:

I was just relieved you didn't go 'wtf' when you read it. I've never written Dean before, so I'm glad you liked my portrayal. I would think that , having probably witnessed Ted Tonks's murder and that he had been imprisoned in Malfoy Manor, he would have some bitterness issues, as would anyone. I wanted him to be himself, but not entirely. 

Blad you liked it, dear, and I'm happy we could make your birthday a happy one.

~Jesssss

Ahhh! A new chapter. :D:D:D

I was surprised by how quickly things had gone ahead. I was actually expecting to see Sirius getting fascinated with Dita's dad's bike, but instead I got an...er...steamy scene. *sniggers*

I really must congratulate you on your ability to write believable ME era OCs. The MacDonald sisters are great, but the Muggle Dita is just as good. I also completely love the fact that you're bringing in cultural issues here, and the problem of having a bi-cultural identity. But you don't overdo it so that it becomes too much for the story, and that can be a difficult thing to achieve. Also, her story with James is quite a nice foil to James' relationship with Lily. I'm desperate to know how their affair will end.

I am not going to comment on characterisation. I feel...odd when I'm reviewing an ME fic by you and trying to comment on that aspect because your version is now canon for me. But I still want to mention that I loved the banter.

The only thing which stuck out to me was James not ever coming home for Christmas. Why was that?

Oh well, in short, I can NOT wait for an update.

LOVE YOU!

~Natalie

Author's Response: Ah, basically James didn't come home for Christmas because things were more exciting at Hogwarts ... Sirius wouldn't have gone home for one thing, and then if the full moon happened over the holiday period, I would assume Remus stayed too. I thought I'd mentioned that but perhaps I edited it out. There was a scene with the motorbikes but I had to cut as it was turning into a multi layered epic. Other cut scenes ... Dita meeting Alex Turner ... James and Alex fighting ... Um, that was it - ha ha. Glad you enjoyed it, anyway. ~Carole~

Oh gosh! This year's birthday is the best!

What a fantastic poem, Gin Gin. You're right - it can be about everybody. And yes, you're right again - I do enjoy other pairings a lot. :) Love the final couplet. Really, really fitting.

Thanks a lot! I love it.

*hugs* and

Author's Response: You are very welcome! I'm glad you liked it. I really did have fun writing it, it's been a while since I've written a poem like this. Hope you are having a happy birthday!! ~Gina :)

First of all, how come I haven't read this before?

Second, why must you always hurt James?

Third and most important, WHY ARE YOUR JAMES/LILY FICS ALL SO BLOODY BRILLIANT?

No, seriously, I was giggling throughout the whole fic and just ...I can't describe the kinds of emotions I felt. It was fun and sweet and heartbreaking and hilarious. Lily is as never as fun as she is in your fics, and James only manages to make me fall deeper and deeper in love with him. Please don't stop writing them, Gina.

A few nitpicks before I fangirl more:

"When James came out, he found her staring forlornly across the street, her mind going over the strange turn of her afternoon."

It seems to shift to his POV here, and the rest is from Lily's, so I'd suggest you tweak the sentence a bit. There were also at least two other instances where you had left a word and a punctuation, but I can't find them now. :(

Really, really wonderful fic, Gina. My infatuation with Prongs grows as I read more of your fics.

Author's Response: Natalie! Thanks so much for reading this! I'm so glad you enjoyed it. I have a confession. I think I actually started this for you, way back in October. And I got majorly stuck and gave it up, certain it would never work. It took a while, but I ironed it out, lol. I do tend to pick on James a lot - I mean, go through my J/L fics and it's like a tic or something. I'm not sure what it is about him. I just love giving him a hard time, I guess. I'm glad you enjoyed it. I'll go back someday and make those tweaks. Eventually. ;) Thanks so much for reading this and for the lovely review! You know I'll never give up writing them! ~Gina :)