Hey there, I'm Sarah, I'm 20 years old and from Somerset in England. Currently I live in Leeds as I am at university studying to become a nurse.
I love reading, writing, music and my friends mean the world to me. My favourite books include Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, His Dark Materials, Wuthering Heights, and a book I read recently called Mariana by Susanna Kearsley.
Oh wow Ari I love this! I can’t believe you only have one review, either.
Your descriptions throughout the whole story are wonderful, and the images you conjure are fantastic, I can really smell, see and feel the autumn.
It’s a really believable insight into what the first Order would have been like, with the fear and having to check the surroundings and changing locations every so often, you’ve done a really good job. And with Sirius’s feeling towards everything too, it’s such a stark contrast from what Septembers were like at Hogwarts, and I love how you likened his years there to a game that he controlled. Now, he may be playing a game, but he certainly isn’t the one in charge.
The mood throughout is incredible, and I love the repetition of certain words like ‘waiting’ and ‘September’, it really adds to the tense and difficult surroundings.
One thing though, (and I’m Brit picking here) ‘middle of Anywhere, England’. Adding the comma then the country is a very American thing to do, Brits don’t say ‘Birmingham, England,’ or ‘Swansea, Wales’. It would be ‘Birmingham in England,’ if we would add it at all. I assume that the comma, country (or state) originates from there being so many places with the same name in America. Oh, and it’s a garden not a yard. Yards are in farms or stables.
But apart from that, I really loved it.
Sarah x
Wow, Annalise! This was amazing, I really loved it. I loved the tense it was in, it really added to the mood and I liked that you left it up to the reader to figure out who it was. I thought it was about Harry at first, because of the whole 'saviour of the world' thing, but I began to guess when Eucalyptus trees were mentioned ;)
I think it also might say something about how Hermione has grown, or the state that she was in that she didn't worry that the memory charm wasn't as strong as she thought it was.
The emotion was beautiful and I love the line 'It's all beautiful to you, everything.'
Wonderful!
Sarah x
Author's Response: I'm glad you liked it Sarah :) And, originally, I had always decided upon it being about Hermione, but I wanted it to be very abstract so that the reader could decided on their own along the way, so I am pleased you thought it added to the story :)
I really love writing about Australia, and really emphasizing the outback and heat and kangaroos, when I've only seen kangaroos a few times. The east coast is the most populated in Australia, and the outback has very sparce towns, but writing about the outback is incredibly fun. :P
Thanks for the review!
~ Annalise x :)
Interesting story. I liked certain aspects of Pansy’s characterisation very much, especially what she thought of Draco. This line in particular I thought was excellent: It was like, I had power around him, but not over him. , however, the first comma doesn’t need to be there I don’t think. I liked how she was confused about her feelings and how she waited for so long for him before she left.
I also liked how you wrote the house elf. It was very convincing and in keeping with Dobby and co. and also had the slightly adoring nature, even when Pansy snapped at her.
However, I think that Mrs Parkinson’s reaction when she’s told what’s happening at Hogwarts is a bit too normal and accepting. It’ll be the battle of their time and she should care about it because it’ll affect her future and I think that should have been shown.
The ending is interesting, and I could probably see that happening with her, but I think you could have built it up more throughout.
But it was a very interesting take on a character I’ve never really though about much. Good job!
Aww Ronnie, this was really good! Very teary, and I loved the last part... 'So smile. Smile for your children; smile for the dead; smile for the ones who made you happy, and the ones who will...' Beautiful, and exactly what Fred would have wanted them all to do, and I'm glad it was George that gave them all the excuse to smile again.
There were a few Americanisms (candy instead of sweets, and I can't really picture Molly saying 'kids'; I think she'd call them children, or child), but they didn't really detract from the story.
Great work and you deserved all those points you got for it!
GoldSarah x
Author's Response: Sarah! Thank you SO much for your review. It really means a lot to me and I am really glad you liked it. Thanks for pointing out the Americanisms, I'll correct them once I get a hold of my computer :) Thanks again, really :) -Ronnie Xxx
I like the style of this fic. It really works and makes everything seem much more important and sort of emphasised. I especially liked the way you described Harry. That paragraph I thought was the best in the story. You did a very good job of capturing what Harry would represent to others. However, I think that five years is a bit too short a time for him to have risen to Department Head. Being the leader of all that would take more than just going out and fighting bad guys; he’d need exceptional organisational, strategic, communication and leadership skills, as well as a very sound knowledge of the Department and I just don’t think he’d be able to do that at only twenty two. There is a reason why Department Heads are generally older.
I quite like your character, though at first she seemed to come across as a Mary-Sue. You should try not to start a story with a description of your character, especially if she’s a beautiful one. It’s perfectly fine to have a good-looking character (after all, there are good-looking people in real life), but it begins to veer into Mary-Sue territory when the good looks become the focus of the character and are emphasised like that. It really does put people off. What redeemed her for me were the final two paragraphs. There, her characterisation really shone through for me and sort of rounded her off. It would have been great to see more of her because I think she had potential.
But overall, a nice one shot. It’s slightly short, but what’s there is written well.
Author's Response: Thank you very much. I wanted to make it longer, but I couldn't really think of anything more to say. I'm actually quite surprised that it manged to get to this length. You have a really good point with the Mary-Sue-ishness. I'll try to avoid that a bit better in future writing. I might write more about this character in the future, because I tink she is the best character I've written. Thank you very much for the reveiw!!! (I love it when people reveiw! :D)(and thanks for doing the Gryffindor reveiw circle! :D)
My great-grandfather was one of the Accrington Pals that didn’t come home, and I think for you to dedicate this to them is incredibly touching. This chapter is my favourite so far because it’s so moving and so much more realistic in a way than the other because it draws parallels with real life. The way it’s told as well, I thought was fantastic. There’s real emotion in Oliver’s words, and I loved the details you brought to this to make Voldemort’s regime even more terrible; the old lady arrested at eighty-seven, the retirement that only lasted hours, and the Beater with the wooden leg. Despite this being a magical setting, things like this I can really see happening in a non-magical situation (though obviously without the Quidditch...), and for me, it made it all the more poignant and all the more real. Plus, I loved the reference to Bill Shankley. Fantastic job.
Author's Response:
I shared a flat with a guy who also had a great-grandfather in the pals. The original idea behind this story came from my curiosity as to why Oliver was at the battle. He wasn’t DA, he left the year before they were formed. Using Quidditch to draw him into the battle seemed obvious, but until I remembered my idea for “The Lee Jordan Show” I wasn’t sure how to write this.
As I’m sure you’ve realised, many of these tales are experiments. Some are more successful than others, but this is one of my own favourites (I probably shouldn’t have favourites).
If you’re going to steal a sporting quote, it has to be Shankley (or Brian Clough), unless you want the madness that is “King” Kevin 'We managed to wrong a few rights' Keegan.-N-
Growing up fully immersed in the early sixteenth century English aristocracy, all Anne Boleyn ever wanted was the chance to make her own choices. When she is suddenly thrust into the magical world of wizards and witches, her life is forever altered.
The seventh son of a seventh son sifts through papers on his desk in the Headmaster’s Office. His cousin, the six son of a six son, toils in the shadows bring his brethren down. They both know that the support of Anne Boleyn will be essential.
This is the tale of Anne Boleyn, her efforts to preserve justice in the face of adversity, and her influence on society that continues to this day.
At the beginning of this tale, one may wish to note that Anne has five fingers on her right hand.
Everything is not what it seems.
This story is down for revisions. You can still read the prologue, though.I've been meaning to read this for ages; I love Tudor history and am re-reading a book on the fall of Anne Boleyn at the moment. So far, I like it. There's quite a lot that's drawn me in from the beginning, what with the wizards in the cave, and the lure of Anne herself. The Headmaster threw me a little... his behaviour and certain speech pattersn seemed a little modern to me, though perhaps I'm just a stickler for formality in historical fics. He's certainly an interesting character, though.
I do have to say though that to put that the Boleyns weren't exactly high up in the aristocracy at that point in history; Thomas' grandfather had been a mercer. The Howards, Anne's mother's family were much more prominant, and it was thought that Lady Elizabeth married beneath her.
I'm very interested to see where this goes!
Author's Response: Thank you for reading! The Headmaster's speech patterns are slightly more modern than the rest of the characters for a reason - he's a reformer in more ways than one, but that won't come into play until later. Regarding the Boleyns - you're the second person to point that out to me... I'll edit it so that it makes a little more sense. You seem to know a lot about Tudor history - if there are any ways you think I can improve this story to make it more accurate for the times, feel free to let me know. Thanks for the review! I'm glad you're interested. ~Virgil
I think this is very interesting. I love the structure of it, it’s very clever and it lends a lot to the tone of the fic and also, I think, the sadness of the situation, as is the way that it is almost purely dialogue. I especially love the section that begins “Please, my Lord, spare Lily Potter.†I think that using just the dialogue makes it very powerful and having all the questions before the answers, rather than question, answer, question, answer, was a good move.
However, I do think that sometimes it felt a little rushed and a bit too... convenient, if you like. I think that when you’re only using dialogue, that dialogue has to convey so much more in terms of pacing and structure in order to get across the emotion that the description and tags would otherwise provide, and so I felt that certain sections could have done with more dialogue and the lack of it lead to the characters feeling a little bit out of character, for example, the first section.
Severus comes in and gushes out the parts of the prophecy he heard, which I think is okay. He wants to curry favour and is doing so quite clearly here. However, Voldemort’s reaction to this is far too quick and decisive. In the books, Voldemort is always contemplative and a little mysterious in his speech. I think he’d take a lot more time thinking something like this over. Perhaps it is because the conclusion of Potters vs Longbottoms is reached so quickly here that it seems Voldemort is OOC. I think it would have taken a lot longer to come to that conclusion, and I don’t think it would have hurt the pace or structure of the fic to include a little bit more just to show that it wasn’t a quick and easy decision.
I do like the scene where Sirius is persuading James (presumably it is James). The arguments he uses are sound and believable, and the characterisation shines through here, the way that Sirius knows his faults and is willing to accept them in such a situation, and the doubting of Peter’s strength, something which I also think they wouldn’t have acknowledged had the situation been less dire.
So all in all, a good fic. It could have done with a bit more here and there, but the overall effect is very powerful.
Author's Response: Thank you for your kind review. I'm glad you liked the story, even if certain sections were lacking. I'll look them over again. I know that Voldemort isn't quite where he should be in the first part, but it's my first time writing him as a real character, so I'll keep your thoughts in mind for future stories. And yes, it is James. Thank you again for writing in!