Hi Jess,
Fantastic story!! I was so into it by the end that I wanted to hear more... your characters were fascinating in that they were really just normal people dealing with normal things. You drew them very realistically. I particularly liked your attention to detail with Dean with things like his smoking and the way he counted everything - they made him seem real rather than just a character on a page.

The various plots - of Dean's father and Connie etc - tied in so well with what Dean was going through and really added to this story... and even though it's nearly 10 000 words, it didn't feel long at all!

Just a small nitpick - in the third paragraph (which starts Even there, on the calm, peaceful beach that spoke to him...), I think you should have written it in pluperfect, ie "peaceful beach that had spoken to him" etc, because this story is written in past tense and you're telling an event before that. If that makes sense. Anyway, it didn't detract from the story at all... I'm just a bit of a freak when it comes to grammar sometimes.

Anyway, this was a great fic, really well written, with great characters and great attention to detail that almost made me believe that somewhere this was actually happening.

~Katrina

Author's Response:

Hello again, Katrina! Have I ever mentioned how much I love your reviews? 'Cause I doand so do a lot of my MNFF friends. Keep up the amazing work, because reviews like yours is what keeps us going, pumping out fic after fic.

The one thing I wanted from this fic is for someone to read it and think, "Hey, this could be my friend or my neighbour or someone I don't even know who I passed on the street." There is something humanising about not knowing fully who you are and where you came from, and I really wanted the reader to empathise with Dean in this respect. This could be any family going through it, and without the magic, it could be so universal a mini-crisis.

Thanks for stopping in, and I'm glad you liked the story. It gave me fits, so it's nice to know my repeated headdesking paid off.

~Jess

I really enjoyed this fic! I know it was written a while ago, but I was on your author page and it caught my eye. The ending was quite unexpected!

There were a lot of things I liked about this. Firstly, I loved your Teddy. There was a lot of Remus' giving nature and Tonks' creativity and bubbliness in him, yet he remained his own person. I loved the excitement you showed in the fic too, and Teddy's enthusiasm was almost catching.

Great job with Harry's kids too, I loved Lily particularly - she's at that wonderful stage where anything is believeable. Albus acted like a typical middle child - wanting to be 'grown up' like his older brother, but still wanting to share in the fun of toys like his little sister. And I just loved the dialogue between James and Teddy - you almost had me convinced there!

Just a little note - one time you wrote "Domonique" when it should be "Dominique".

I loved the idea that you made Father Christmas real in this fic, particularly as you started out with Teddy pretending. It was a nice twist to the fic. And I can totally imagine Teddy becoming a future Father Christmas; he's so selfless and sweet.

I think something else I loved about this is that you showed the Potter/Weasley clan having fun together. To be honest, I get a little bit sick of the stories in which their family is falling apart - I mean, I know it's not realistic that they live 'happily ever after', but I'm sure there were moments like this when everyone was perfectly happy.

Anyway, I will refrain from going on too much... loved the story :)

~Katrina

Author's Response: Thanks so much Katrina! I'm so glad you enjoyed this story. This is not the first time I've written about Father Christmas as a wizard, because I quite like the idea. I'm glad you enjoyed the fluff factor, since it is a bit fluffy but yes, there are a number of stories out there where the next generation does fall apart. It makes for good drama, I think. No worries, I have a plot bunny that tortures them too, lol. ;) Thanks so much for reading this holiday story and leaving such a lovely review! ~Gina :)

Great story!! Firstly, I think you did an amazing job of Ludo's character - everything he did/said could have come straight out of canon. I also thought your Oliver was great - it seemed very IC that he wouldn't have thought of any other path in life other than Quidditch and that things might come crashing down if that didn't work out.

Once again, your writing was really good. I absolutely loved the first line - it gave such a sense of character, setting and mood really efficiently.

From reading the summary, I sort of expected a romance kind of story (especially knowing that you're fond of Katie/Oliver), so it was really different to write what you did.

Author's Response:

I think, with all the sports that are in the peak of their seasons at this time of year, I was sort of inspired by that and how so many college football players bank on their all-encompassing 'Communications' major instead of taking real classes to build a career, fooling themselves into thinking that they wlll make it big. I sort of had Oliver pegged as that type, more concerned with Quaffles than study. This was just a 'it could have happened' type deal. I'm glad you enjoyed it.

Thanks as always for reading and reviewing,

~Jess

Hi,

I thought this was a really sweet one-shot... I was so into it, I sort of wished that it was longer!

Some of my favourite things about it were that James' attraction to Lily happened gradually and wasn't simply a physical thing, and that they were actually 'friends' of sorts when they were younger. I think that's quite realistic.

I also liked how you delved into James' character - the idea that he only really became arrogant after a Quidditch victory at the end of fourth year and then exacerbated the effect by trying to impress Lily, and then having it become a habit which he could hide behind was nice and unique. You've shown a mature side to James, without making him at all out of character.

I also liked that it was Lily who gave James a kiss on the cheek, and that at that point James didn't suddenly sweep her into a big romantic kiss... somehow it's much sweeter and more realistic this way. And I think it shows their emotional/mental connection, rather than just the physical side, which a lot of fanfictions tend to get caught up in.

So anyway, this was a nice fluffy one-shot but also with some nice characterisation and something a bit different. Oh yeah, good job with the other Marauders too!

~Katrina

Author's Response: Wow, thanks so much for the review! You've picked up on everything I hoped to convey, which is really great. I'm currently writing a chaptered fic that carries on where the first part of this fic left off and continues throughout their fifth year, which hopefully will explore the deteriation of their relationship a bit more, so it does continue. Sort of! Once, again, thank you so much for reviewing. Sarah x

I'm assuming that I is Rodolphus, she is Bellatrix, he is Voldemort and it is her dark mark. The only thing is... I always thought Bellatrix had wild hair, not silky soft hair (although that could just be the movies... Helena Bonham Carter's portrayal of Bellatrix isn't exactly forgettable...). And I did find it a little weird that at some point Voldemort shared Rodolphus & Bellatrix's bed, not because Bellatrix wouldn't want it, but because I can't imagine Voldemort wanting that sort of contact with people.

Anyway, I loved this fic!! Your writing was beautiful, and you captured Rodolphus so well. It must have been hard being married to Bellatrix when clearly her whole life was poured into Voldemort. So great job there!!

Author's Response: Go you for getting the people :) And yes, in the films Bellatrix does have wild hair, but I'm pretty sure her hair isn't mentioned in the books. Personally, I've always thought of her as stunningly beautiful, but with a completely warped mind, so it would be impossible to tell her insanity until she said, or did something odd. And anyway, she's supposed to be a perfect pureblood wife, like her sister Narcissa, so it wouldn't be a huge stretch of the imagination that she would be expected to be beautiful. As for the bed sharing, I would imagine for that to have been in Voldemort's first rise to power, when he was Tom Riddle. In this time period, he would still have an attractive body, because let's face it, if you looked like the film Voldemort, wouldn't you have low self confidence? Much thanks for the review, I'm glad you enjoyed reading it :)

Sorry that it's taken me so long to read more of this story. I also only got your response from my last review today, as my inbox decided to put it in my junk folder, which I don't check regularly. Anyway.

A few points from your response - I agree, I don't think Harry would make a connection between Rose and himself, but I would be surprised if Hermione didn't, but I suppose with school and everything Harry gets up to I suppose she's rather busy.

Also Snape - I think in a way he is a bit of a tragic hero, and people often view him in that way, but at the same time he did treat Harry terribly and refused to see anything other than his father in him. I read the other day that Potter fans have voted him their favourite character, which I suppose makes sense, since he's probably the character with the most depth in the series. Anyway, I digress. I think it's interesting that Rose is blind to how Sev acts, such as the line Honestly, it wasn't favoritism; Sev was above that sort of thing.... I think this is interesting, because it really highlights how two peoples' perspectives on one person and their actions can vary greatly. For example, Snape sees Harry as arrogant and mediocre because it's what he expects, other teachers see something different. It makes you wonder how accurate Harry's presentation of all the characters in canon is...

I liked the awkwardness between Rose and Sev when she left his house - as in that they're both awkward with showing emotion.

I think it's interesting every time you write the words "my brother", because in a way, there's so much more to being siblings than biological relationship, and I get a feeling of sadness for Rose, particularly with that scene at the end, that she's never been able to talk to her brother and share her life with him.

I also liked how you sort of paralleled Rose and Harry's experiences with Apparition - both going Side-Along with Dumbledore and having a similar feeling afterwards.

~Katrina

Author's Response: YAY! I'm so glad you're back reviewing me again, I'm loving the super-long in depth stuff you're telling me! It's like Author Heaven... Yeah, I was counting on Hermione being too busy with Harry to pay much attention to Rose. As for the Snape-Rose relationship, again, that's exactly what I was going for. Rose turns a blind eye to Severus as much as she can- and who can blame her? The man raised her, after all. Keep in mind that that makes Rose about as biased as Harry's presentation is. That's why she's so clueless about Snape as a villain. Awkward Moments are my specialty, having participated in several over the course of my fifteen years. :) Again, with the "my brother" thing- spot on! And I put in Side-Along Apparition as a bit of comic relief. :) Glad you're liking this!

This is an intriguing and interesting beginning to a story. I was a little sceptical when I read the summary, because while I don't mind a bit of AU here and there, I really prefer canon. But you've really made this concept work - it's obvious that you've thought it out.

Rose jumped off the page as a character - particularly when Sev told her who her parents were, I really got a sense of Lily (or at least, how I imagine Lily) when she asked if he'd killed anyone and when she said "You're not bad!". I liked how she talked about Snape as "Sev" - it immediately highlighted that while he acted as a father figure, he wasn't her father and it gives them a sort of friendship/cameraderie which works quite well.

I have to say, I found your Snape a bit OOC. Particularly when he told her who her parents were. I mean, from the way Snape reacts to Sirius in OotP, I really don't think he could be so blase about James. And the way he treats Harry shows it too - I mean, I know he sacrificed a lot for Harry, but he still can't seem to divorce him from his father. I suppose Rose being a girl and looking more like Lily would help, though. And I did like the bit when he said "that doesn't mean I haven't done bad things". That felt in character, particularly when he talked about Voldemort going after "you and your mother" and completely ignored Harry and James.

A few other small things - Peter was the Potters' secret keeper, so surely he would have known about their daughter? Also, if Rose has her mother's hair and eyes, surely Harry would have noticed it? Or Hermione, at least? Particularly the eyes - after all, there's a lot of redheads around, but almond-shaped bright green eyes are more unique. Anyway. That's just a small thing.

I also had to disagree with Rose's comment about Snape's behaviour towards Gryffindors - yes I know canon is presented from Harry's perspective, hence he's more likely to think Snape unfair, but I don't think McGonagall treats Slytherins the same way that Snape treats Gryffindors. In PoS, she takes 150 points from Gryffindor, and I can't think of a time when Snape takes more than 10 from Slytherin. I do understand your point - that people are quicker to punish the opposing team - but it just didn't feel right here. Anyway, sorry I just went on a lot about a small thing.

I think what you're trying to do is highlight Snape's redeeming features - and I think there are plenty of them - but when it goes against "truth" (or canon truth anyway) it feels like Rose is looking for ways to defend him or something.

Anyway, I hope you don't feel like this is a negative review, because I think this is an interesting and well-thought out plot and I'll certainly be reading on.

~Katrina

Author's Response: A) I don't think this is negative at all. In fact, it's awesome! This is the most anybody has said to me about my story, and I LOVE this kind of feedback, which I mostly salvage from my dad (who is also a writer, though not really in the fanfiction variety...) So just the length is enough to get me excited. Nobody else has really critiqued me that much. After fifty "THIS IS AWESOME"s, reviews like yours are refreshing. :) B) You were spot on with the allusions to Lily, and the Rose calls Snape "Sev". That was exactly my intention. I tried writing it with the word "Dad," and it immediately felt wrong. Nobody in a million years would ever call Snape Dad, or Daddy. It just isn't done. C) Snape is definitely out of character here. Part of the reason for that is, even though I posted the story a long time after the seventh book came out, I started writing this in middle school after I finished the seventh book. Snape's death and his memories gave me such a paradigm shift that I immediately started treating more like a tragic hero than a double agent, something my friends and I still argue about. The idea was that he skimmed over bashing Harry and James because he was sort of trying to protect Rose, although that doesn't make much sense now. I just figured he would want to get that part over with REALLY fast... D) I didn't even think about Peter until jut now- that's been happening a lot. I'll reread parts of my story and I'll think, "Oh, I could have done this!" Well spotted, you've been paying attention. As far as Harry goes, like I've said before, I don't set much store by Harry's intelligence. And Rose doesn't generally hang with Harry and Co, although I did think about Hermione figuring everything out at one point. In the end I decided not to. Mostly I'm relying on her being so caught up in Harry's adventures that she chalks up Rose's appearance to mere coincidence. E) As far as Rose's descriptions of Snape, you're absolutely right. I wanted her to ignore his faults, or at least to justify them, because I thought that would make her reaction to Dumbledore's murder so much bigger. I did that on purpose, even though I had qualms about it. I kept picturing her rolling her eyes and looking the other way whenever Snape took points from Gryffindor. I'm glad you think this is well thought out, and please feel free to review again (if you haven't already- I'm only just now catching up...)

Hi Jess,

Thanks for such a quick response to my last review, I'm glad you like receiving them.

This is another fic of yours I read a while ago and didn't get to review... I think I wasn't quite sure what to think after my first reading of it. It is certainly disturbing and macabre... to the level that I usually expect Tom Riddle stories or something like that to be.

You have certainly done something fantastic with your characterisations here... and even though both Irma and Argus appear cruel and horrid, somehow you created a strange sort of empathy for them. I suppose I've felt that for Filch since we found out he was a Squib, and Madam Pince seems to be a rather lonely woman. Somehow I felt bad for them. Which is something really impressive to do as an author... because their behaviour in this fic is absolutely despicable. I suppose you're working on the theme that no-one is truly evil or truly good... that we all have both parts in us and sometimes circumstances can affect how we are.

The juxtaposition of them drinking tea - something that seems old-fashioned and friendly - with them listening to torture is just brilliant, particularly as it gives insight into their tortured minds.

Anyway, great fic, though certainly disturbing...

~Katrina

Author's Response:

Hmm, this story was a dark, twisted baby, born of a rather hideous prompt for a fic exchange. I can't think of a pairing that I would want to write less than this one that doesn't involve Snape, so yeah... it is disturbing in that manner, as well.

The thing I've always thought about Filch and Pince is that they are rather pathetic people Filch gets walked over for a living by little bastards like Fred and George (which begs the question of whether the Marauders drove Apollyon Pringle to early retirement). Dumbledore seems to grant him some respect, but the bitterness about being surrounded by magic yet never being able to cast so much as a single spell would definitely eat at him. Plus, he probably wasn't all that nice to begin with. :/

And with Irma, I pictured her as a rather plain woman, likely not all that different from Snape's mother, Eileen. She is bookish and not very pretty and probably a bit standoffish. We havea pretty good idea, having been in school ourselves, what that does to one's social life. And when she chose a career that, whilst dealing with her true love in life, was essentially doing the same thing over and over -- putting back books that students mistreat and never return to their shelves -- it isn't unlikely that it would make her a bit... cross. And compile years of that and the stress of constant staff changes (and subsequent changes in curriculum, hence needing new stock for one thing or another) in the current school environs, I can see how she could take a llittle bit of pleasure out of one of the little rats that had made her job harder than it needed to be getting what was coming (in her view, not mine!). 

And there you have now two not so nice people sip tea over the sound of a teenager being tortured. It was macabre, and not at all pleasant to write, but I was actualy surprised how un-sickened I was by the final product. 

Thanks for dropping in again. I fear I may run out of stories for you to review soon, though. Venturing deep into my older fics is a dangerous business. I don't even do that, lol. 

Well, anyway, ta for now!

~Jess

So original! I'd never thought about translating the motto... although that might just be me. Anyway, I thought you characterised the founders really well (although, as some others have said, where was Helga?), especially Gryffindor, you showed him really well. I also thought you coped very well with the old-fashioned language - it didn't disrupt the flow at all and really added to the setting and characters. A very amusing and enjoyable read!

Author's Response: Thank you for your review! I didn't actually translate the motto-- the Mugglenet main site did. I tried to make the characterization real-- that's something I pride myself on. And as for the language, my mom's an English teacher, so I've studied a lot of Shakespeare. Again, thank you for reviewing!

Hi Neil,

I'm really enjoying this story (as usual). Jacqui works well as a neighbour, as she is nosey but also kind and caring. It's interesting to present Harry and Ginny (and their family) from an "unknowing" perspective (meaning that the narrator doesn't know that they're wizards). It's a difficult topic to write, because there are just so many small things that we as readers are used to from canon, which to Jacqui seem strange, and I think you're handling it very well.

I'm very curious to see what happens next... I suspect Mary won't know what's hit her.

My favourite line in this chapter was Ginny's quick correction of "Flooed" to "Flew". It made me smile.

Sorry this isn't as long/detailed as my reviews usually are... I have to go now, but I'm sure I'll be back reviewing this rather soon.

~Katrina

Author's Response:
~Katrina

Thanks for the review.

It’s confession time. When I planned this story, the “main” plot was going to be the werewolf murders, and Jacqui was going to be comic relief. I wrote the first two chapters from Jacqui’s (first person) perspective simply to give an outsiders view of the Potters. Then the kids (particularly James and Henry—who, together, are trouble) got more involved, and I was enjoying myself, so I then wrote the third and…

Now I’ve got myself into the position where my narrator has no idea what’s really going on and I’m juggling the story to keep her perspective, while moving the werewolf plot forwards.

It’s fun throwing in the little oddities Jacqui notices, like the lack of electricity (and flooed), and Ginny almost saying Knutless instead of penniless. Next, Jacqui finds out what Harry’s job really is!

Nevertheless, in the interests of the plot (unless I have a brainwave) there will have to be one or two third person chapters where Jacqui is absent.
-N-