Hi, Lori! This piece was just absolutely beautiful. Wow.

Okay, first, I'd like to focus on your characterization (Oh, pardon my American spellings, sorry) of Hermione. I thought you did a really good job with it, and that's crucial to this one-shot. The thoughts that went through Hermione's head made sense, and they were logical. Sometimes it's hard to get a train of thoughts right, but I think you did very well.

I think you did a nice job with the scar idea. However brave Hermione was, she did sometimes hide, as in the CoS cat incident. I think you did the right thing here when you made her act this way with her scars; I don't think she wanted to bring attention to the fact that she had been tortured so harshly. Very nice.

God, I must be beautiful.

I know what you're trying to get at here, but I think this line stuck out at me the most. I don't think Hermione would think quite that highly of herself, though I know you're trying to say that she must be beautiful to be being kissed so passionately. However, maybe you could say something like "He must really think I'm beautiful." I think that's not as much of a "Wow! I'm so preettty!!" statement. You know what I mean, sort of? Though the intention was perfect.

I thought your dialogue, also of Hermione was great. I find alot of times in fics that the dialogue doesn't quite make me think of the character, but you did a great job here.

On to Ronald's characterization. I think you did a really great job with him as well. One line did sort of bother me:

He studies me for a long time. “Where?” he whispers.

Personally, I think that Ron would be the kind of person who would want to know right away about the scars. I don't think he'd be the kind of person that would be told there were scars and then think about it for a long time. I think maybe he'd answer more immediately, as if shocked.
"Where?" he inquires. That's what I'd write. You don't even say that he answers immediately; I think that the way it doesn't say exactly when he answered but comes directly after she asks implies that he answers soon, but doesn't make it feel too rushed.

I am a huge Harmony shipper, bigger than alot of people. (You should see our Harmony arg- er, discussions in the Gryffindor Tower.) However, when a fic is written well enough, I can enjoy a R/Hr. I think the main thing that does this for me is not the plot but the characterization, and the fact that you did so well on this really made me enjoy this fic.

I liked the theme of this story very much. Iiked the fact that Hermione has these many scars, and I like the fact that she's afraid to wear a bathing suit. I mean, Hermione's incident in Malfoy Manor probably affected her very much and I enjoyed reading your interpretation of it. I think that you did a good job describing the torture in good detail and valid canon facts.

I think of Tonks and Fleur, how fiercely they loved and how little they thought of things as trivial as scars on the one they loved

I liked the comparison here to Fleur and Tonks. I think that, even though the reader knows, you could make this even stronger by further elaborating what could cause (for someone else) maybe not to like Bill/Remus. I think that'd make that part a bit more powerful, and that's good since it's really near to the end. Speaking of the end:

After a little while, we go downstairs.

To me, this almost sounds like a filler. I think that instead of having one general sentence that explains a whole span of time, you either cut it or make it less time. What I mean is, I would reccomend changing this to someting like (and I'm not a good writer, mind you) "I take his hand and we walk downstairs together." You know, something like that, where it gives some, even though close to no, detail, yet doesn't feel like "Oh wow. They go downstairs." And you don't know how long it took and it doesn't feel that powerful. You want the ending to feel as strong as possible. Also with what you have, it doesn't feel real enthusiastic, and I'm hoping you'll consider something that sort of builds up the excitement for that last line, because it can be read two different ways. You can either have it as a matter-of-fact "We are going swimming" or an excited, smile creeping up "We are going swimming" in which at the end you nearly want to give a little squeal out of excitement and jump in the air just a little bit. You know what I mean?

Overall, this story was fantastic and I thought the characterization was really good, and the plot was interesting. Never once did I think anything like, "Come on, something happen!" Though not fast-paced, you kept the reader hooked, and stories don't have to be face-paced, but you do have to make sure they don't get too boring and you handled that exceptionally well. At the end, my heart warms a little for R/Hr, which if you ask any Gryff (particularly Kara) is really shocking. But hey, you're a great author!

Very, very nice work!

-Megan

Author's Response: Hey Megan! Thanks so much for taking the time to read my story and especially to work out such a thoughtful review. I'm glad you liked it and thought the characterization was mostly good. This was originally a drabble, but I just couldn't let it go at just 500 words. You mentioned the Hermione thinking, "God, I must be beautiful." I definitely do not think that she thinks this of herself. I mentioned a couple of times elsewhere in the story that she is underweight, scarred, and that she considers herself pretty average in the looks department. But when Ron kisses her with such tenderness, she feels beautiful. Does that make sense? It's just something that crosses her mind in that moment. I could see Ron responding to the news of her scars in a couple of ways. I do think I could have written him as you suggested, quick to find out more, and kept him in character. But Ron is also a brooder. He does think about things. And here, a couple of months have passed since the battle, and they have been together all that time... I think he would be surprised to only be hearing about this now, and that he would be cautious because he can see she is already sort of crying. Thus, the hesitation is asking, "Where?" I do think it could have worked your way, too, though. :) It's funny you mention the Tonks/Fleur line. It was actually part of the prompt for the drabble, and I crammed it in there without really believing it belonged, and now, I'm very attached to it. LOL. I adore both Bill and Remus, and can't imagine either of them being disliked for any reason unless it was by Voldemort or one of his henchmen. I'm assuming here that most readers are familiar enough with the potterverse to know this is a reference to their scars from werewolf attacks. I'm glad you liked this line! Thanks! I did consider expanding the ending, once I was out from under the word limit of the drabble challenge, but in the end, I like it this way. You make a good point about there being value in ending with a bang of excitement, but I suppose it isn't my style. Most of my fics, now that I think about, kind of quietly end. I want them to have a sense of closure, and then for the reader to have the sense of the scene fading to black, if that makes sense, or of the characters walking out of the frame. (Can you tell I used to work in television?) In this particular ending line, I wanted to convey that they stayed there together for a bit longer, then eventually went downstairs with the intention (for Hermione) of going swimming with her friends. This has been hard, but he has encouraged her, and now she is going to face it in proper Hermione fashion--head on. "We go downstairs. We are going swimming." Hope that makes sense. Thanks again for taking the time to think so much about my story. Most of these have been posted for some time and I rarely see a new review these days. It makes my heart go flip-flop. ;) ~Lori

Hi! It's Megan, I answered your beta request and thought it only right to read this.

Don't worry about Sev! I was so pleasantly surprised by it. I personally dont think he is OOC. I agree with you. I think during his Lily days like here he was perfectly happy.

I love it

-Megan

I love this story! Please do continue! Your writing is great, and the plot is intersting. Your character Ivy is very good. Nice work.

*Norberta*

Author's Response: Thanks! I've actually written a novel (not HP-based), with a young Ivy as a main character. You'll meet the other characters as well soon. :)

Merlin, you're a great author. Beautiful. Just a few quick comments.

One. If I received a letter from Hogwarts, and a wizard showed up on my doorstep, my first question would not be whether or not I get to use a wand. I would be more interested in whether or not you're a fraud, whether or not magic is real, and I suppose I'd act rather like Tom Riddle, asking him to prove it to me. But I suppose it's all a matter of personal opinion.

This was a great chapter. You're imagery, your thoughts, your descriptions...marvelous.

I look forward to hearing more from you.

-Megan

Author's Response: You're such a wonderful reviewer, Megan. You have no idea how happy it makes me to be called a "great author." As for the reaction to getting a Hogwarts letter, I agree with you completely that most people would have reacted that way. However, Anne's curiosity overrides her common sense - it's part of her character development, ^_^ you'll see. Thanks again for the compliments. Peace, Virgil.

Ha you love reviews like Snape loved Lily . . . hilarious!

I love your descriptions so much. From the weather outside to the shops to the people to the cats, I can just picture everything in your story so well and that makes it that much more enjoyable.

*applauds*

Megggggaaaaaaannnnn

The faeries! :D

Tarantallegra

funny . . . I'm currently working on a song on my clarinet called Adagio-Tarantella. Tarantella = dance after bitten by spider to get the poison out of your body in the form of sweat . . . (sounds like a boring, slow moving song, doesn't it? I wish.) Anyway, I noticed the connection between the spell and the real word. I like that Jo does that; it makes her spells more easily . . . predictable? Ah, I don't know.

I wanna read what happens to Anne! Cause you're such a fabulous writer.

Megan :)

Well, I was on the archives (and I still need to do that MWPP assignment due today, and yours due on Monday...) and I though, oh I'll read something quick. But I knew I was in the mood to actually read something longer, so this is the first thing I read. And, oh GOD, Carole...boy, can you write. I'm still in awe. You are just...gah! I can't describe it. This is so being nominated for the QSQs next year by me...super work.

Author's Response: Thank you very much, Megan. Glad you enjoyed the story because I enjoyed writing it. Well, it sort of obsessed me for a month, but in a good way ... I think. Thanks again ~Carole~

Hello! Regulus is such a fascinating charcter, isn't he? I just love the way you describe him here!

At the beginning, when he stumbles everywhere. I laughed at that. It adds such a nice little light-hearted effect. It made me smile. =D

He was always, I think, a good person. He knows that being a Death Eater is not the right way to go. You characterized such a minor-ish character so well you'd think that they were described in the books like someone like Ron! Well done.

I like the way that at the end he relies on the cigarettes and alchohol to "relax" him, I guess that's the right wording. Well done.

Snape is good, too.

I thought this was an excellent fic. It made me happy. I like reading good fics. ;)

Well, congratulations on a job well done and happy writing!

*Norberta*

Author's Response: Thank-you! I must admit, I do rather adore Regulus. I'd totally agree that he was a good person, pushed by his family into becoming a Death Eater - he just wanted to live up to their expectations. I'm glad you enjoyed it :)

Awwww Natalie!!! How well done!!! Bravo!!

This was a really nice story. Femmeslash is . . . hard to do. And I'm so sorry it took me so long to review it. :( I hope I didn't make you sad.

One thing with femmeslash or any type of slash really is that you have to make it believable. You have to have a plot that will not only capture the reader but also make them feel like this relationship could really happen. And you did a beautiful, beautiful job Natalie. This piece, it was flawless, and remarkably well done. You have a real plot and a believable message. I had such a fun time reading this because if I'm going to read femmeslash, I'm only going to read the best. And this was the best.

Being a great author is something to be proud of. Some people are really good at poetry. Some Dark/Angsty. But Natalie, you can do it all, girl! Everything you write is fun for me to read. You give me a little inspiration for every genre. It's so fun to see such a variety in an author's work.

Your characters Dominique and Lakshima (forgive me if I spelled it wrong) were fantastic. One place you could go wrong in femmeslash is to pick two canon characters and have some total OOC. But yours weren't completely OC. They were part of canon families. I liked the Clearwater boy.

And I adore the little spin that you put on Romilda Vane. You gave her such the mysterious, creepy, persona and it was fantastic. I love the way you made her in this story.

What a great thing to read!

-Megan

Author's Response: Hey Megan!



First off, it is so sweet of you to review my work. I don't get many reviews (maybe I smell bad? Or my author page just stinks? lol), so it's a big deal for me that someone is even thinking of making an effort to do it. (I also saw you had signed up for the Reviewing class, good luck on that!)



I definitely agree on you about femmeslash/slash in general. This category of fanfiction suffers from random pairings and OOC-ness. That was why when I looked for someone for Dominique, I went for an OC. (Another reason was that any other female NG character we know would have been related to her, which wasn't really appealing to me.) Circumstances, therefore, were also a prime factor in choosing an OC.



I am happy you enjoined reading my characters, especially Romilda. Haha! I had great fun writing her. Can't you just see her doing something like that? Anyway, I am writing more of Dominique, and I hope you'll read them when they're finally completed and published.



Thank you for your lovely reviews and constant support, Megan. :) It's encouraging to see people enjoying my pick of themes and characters.



~Natalie.

Aww! Carole, this was beautiful. I really loved this poem. It was very nice.

I just have a teeny tiny question. When I read this, I thought that at the beginning, it was the people talking that Harry brought back with the stone. That is what they said, isn't it? And you described them so well.

But then, I got confused because it said in the last stanza and line that he opens the Snitch. Didn't that happen before the beginning of the poem? I don't know, but it seems sort of out of sequence to me.

Maybe you had a reason, but if it were me, moving the last stanza and last line to the beginning would make it flow better, and then the poem would end with "Until the very end." Wouldn't that be cool? What do you think?

Anyway, these are just suggestions. I really liked this poem. You're descriptions are spot on and this is a very emotional moment, which you described very well.

Have a nice day, Carole!

-Megan

Author's Response: Hey Megan. Glad you liked the poem. Okay this was before Harry brought them back, they were in effect, rehearsing their lines because they knew what they had to do. It has often puzzled me that Lily and James would 'urge him on' as it seems from that chapter, but I think they knew it was necessary and also had reassurances from Albus that he'd survive. Hope that makes sense now. ~Carole~