Hi :)

I hope you like constructive criticism:

Yay finally another Draco/Ginny fan, lol. I love this pairing, but it takes a lot to make it work, and at times during this one shot, that didn't exactly happen.

Harry, Ginny and Draco all seem a little out of character at times during this fic. I don't see Harry giving such an ultimatum like that, or Ginny crying so much (even during a time like this), or Draco being so...loving and warm.

You would have to have a lot leading up to this, and I think you could do it, but there's just not enough in this oneshot.

I did like it though. I just think it would fit a lot better as a chaptered fic :D

~Lily

Me? Not have read High yet? Nah...

I do like this, though. Something tells me the next 20 chapters are going to go by too fast, Carole...

~Lily

Author's Response: Ha ha - Thank you, Lily. I hope you enjoy this. At times it goes as fast as Scorpius' Firebolt X but he does slow down to catch his breath (and maybe Lily) ~Carole~

Heya.

Figured I'd leave a shiny review for you before I go off to start beta-ing, lol.

I do like this, I love your characterisations, and often that can make a story for me :D Honestly, I can't wait to read the next four chapters.,.yay! One of the best things about being a beta is that you get to read a story before other people, hehehe.

~Lily

Hi Alex!

This was a really great fic, both to read and to review. I really love how all of your stories link together, and this one was no exception. I have read Thin Red Lines and its counterparts, but if I were someone who just clicked on this one-shot and had never heard of your work before, it still probably would have made sense because you put two and two together in your story without boring background information. The way you connect the older Vivian and Augustus’s relationship with the present day Vivian and Augustus’s relationship—especially with the way that Augustus mentions the way they were named—is a great way to tie two stories together.

That being said, though, I found it odd that you didn’t mention the past relationships or the past at all until the last few paragraphs, making the conclusion seem slightly rushed. I can understand this, however, because the story was so fast paced and “action packed” that you may not want to have interrupted the story with paragraphs upon paragraphs of the history of Thin Red Lines, since you did make it clear on what was happening and I have to assume that a lot of people who enjoyed your previous work also decided to read this one-shot.

Something else I really enjoyed about this was that it actually ended happily ever after…it actually had a happy ending. I’m not much for writing happy endings, mostly because I’m terrible at it, but I love to read a good one, and yours was top-notch. It wasn’t too sickly sweet or too happy. Because it was a happy ending, and the rest of the story was very dark, the end did seem slightly rushed, but not at all forced or unreal, and the way that you wrote it, letting us know that Vivien got her happy ending but not going too far into detail worked really well for me. I congratulate you for that.

Your characterisation was also very good. We don’t know how Viv acts in canon, since she doesn’t appear in canon, but her personality doesn’t change throughout the story. This is particularly impressive because Viv goes through so many different emotions throughout the story. One thing that was a little strange to me with the characterisation is that Viv suddenly decided to react to Russell’s abuse once Augustus helped her, though. It seemed like a spur-of-the-moment decision to do after Viv had put up with it for so long.

Finally, as I said above, your tone does change a little dramatically throughout the story. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but I did feel like it went from very dark and almost depressing to almost cheery quite quickly. I do however understand that Viv’s emotions and tone also changed very quickly near the end of the story, since it was a happy ending.

All in all, I really liked reading this fic, and it’s tempting me to go reread Thin Red Lines once again. This is certainly underreviewed and therefore probably way too underread. I hope you write more in this era, maybe even a sequel to this fic, because I like this generation of Viv a lot. This was very well written, very unclichéd, and other than the things I mentioned above, I didn’t see anything else wrong with it.

~Lily~

Author's Response: Hello Lily! I didn't realise you'd read all of my Thin Red Lines series- I'm pleased you enjoyed it enough to want to read this and leave me such a lovely review for it :) I'm glad however that you think to someone who hadn't read the rest, it would have made sense- that was quite important to me.

The conclusion was originally quite a bit shorter and a beta (can't remember which one) suggested I expand upon it, which I did, but I know what you mean about it being perhaps a little rushed, and rather an abrupt change of tone.

The fact I wrote this was a bit of a surprise, but it was just too sweet an idea not to write, if that makes sense :) I hate sickly sweet happy endings as well--hence the violence that precedes it. I'm pleased you liked Viv/ my characterisation of her. I'm very fond of both Vivs, and while they both deserved a happy ending, at least one of them got it :) I don't think Viv's reaction to Russell's abuse is entirel Augustus' fault- she never thinks that what he's doing is right, or that she deserves it, so in that sense its always wrong. Just Augustus shows her she doesn't have to/ shouldn't have to put up with it, if that makes sense.

I'm rather fond of dramatic changes in tone :) Definitely my favourite films/ tv shows/ novels are ones which can go from one emotion to another very, very suddenly, so I'm actually taking it as a compliment that I managed to pull off the changes without it seeming forced.

I'm pleased you enjoyed it, but I don't think I'm going to write a sequel to this. I'm pleased you thought it was well-written and not clichéd, and thank you so much for your lovely review :) Alex

Hello Meg :)

Firstly, I’m very sorry for taking so long to review this story. It really was lovely and I enjoyed it very much. We don’t get to see a lot of Petunia in the story, and we almost never see her in a positive light. The only example that comes to mind is in DH when she’s about to leave Harry for the last time. Even then, it’s only for a few minutes and we don’t get to hear what she was planning to say. This story made me feel very sorry for Petunia.

I do imagine that Lily would always look up to Petunia, even after she learned that she was a witch. I say this only because I know what it feels like to be the oldest, and your younger siblings are coming after you because all they want is to be like you. I thought it was a very nice insight that, actually, Petunia wanted to be like Lily.

I thought it was very interesting that Petunia would actually be jealous of James, for as she put it, replacing her. From what she spoke about him during the actual books, she always sounded like she had no respect for him whatsoever. I liked that you showed that disrespect as a sort of self-defense for her. I do feel like Petunia was always, for whatever reason, the “lesser” child in her parents’ eyes, if only because she wasn’t a witch.

I liked that you included that for a short time, Petunia actually craved to be a witch more than anything else. I don’t mean to step on toes, but I feel like that scene is what sparked this idea that Petunia wasn’t good enough to be a witch, and Petunia gets completely replaced by James, in Lily’s eyes and in her parents’ eyes.

I don’t think, however, that Lily and Petunia would have stayed very close after Lily went to Hogwarts, especially after the letter that Petunia writes and Lily reads (that still breaks my heart every time I read that section in APT). I realise I said above that Lily would look up to Petunia all throughout her life, but looking up to someone and being close to someone are two completely different things, as definitely proved during this story. I think Petunia would have been too jealous of Lily to really stay being her big sister while Lily grew up in this completely different culture that Petunia yearned to be a part of.

I think the ending was a little bit “rushed,” so to speak. I do the exact same thing in every story I write, but I feel like you could have expanded a little bit more on what dinner was like for Petunia, and how she reacted to it.

All in all, Meg, this was a wonderfully well written story that gave me a great new look on Petunia. It was a pleasure being your SPEW buddy :)

Lily xxx

Author's Response: I can't believe I haven't responded to this yet—and I was feeling so proud of how I was getting better about responding to reviews promptly… I completely agree that Lily and Petunia wouldn't have stayed close, and I wasn't trying to imply that they still were somehow close to each other. I think Petunia liked the feeling of having Lily look up to her and being older and more experienced and taking care of Lily. I was trying to show Petunia's regret over the loss of that relationship—and her denial that that regret exists. I imagine Petunia as viewing Lily, the witch, and Lily, her younger sister, as two different entities, and I wanted to show her struggling to accept that Lily was no longer the worshiping younger sister that she used to be. I had a lot of trouble with the ending. Originally, it just ended with Petunia sitting on the bedspread. I was struggling to end the piece (and get the word count into the range it needed to be in order to be submitted to the archives), and Soraya suggested that I add her meeting James. I toyed with expanding the scene, but I felt like adding more would have been redundant. I tried to give a fair idea of Petunia's emotions about the meeting, and I felt like I hinted a fair amount about what the rest of the dinner would go like (although obviously I don't have the most objective view of this). There also is the fact that I struggle with writing emotions, and so I try to use visuals to get what the characters across (this is why you probably won't see me writing much in first person). I could only think of so many ways to get how annoyed and how much she disliked James across… I'm very glad that you liked the story, and I greatly appreciated your review (getting SPEW length reviews always makes me happy)! I hope this made sense, -Meg

i think OWEN is my favourite character.

...because he is a HUFFLEPUFF.

this has absolutely nothing to do with the story i just wanted to say this. so i had to go back a chapter to one that actually involves owen.

the end.

(p.s. updates are good :P)

Author's Response: I love Owen. :) He's that boy that you really want but don't have ...
I'll update today. I kind of spaced. (I have about five waiting, lol). Thank you so much for the review, twin!
Ellie
p.s. (all the other 'puffs in this story are EVIL).

Snt she, and even though I already read more ahh details, I want to see it on the boards.

Lily xxx

Author's Response: Thank you, Lily, I really appreciate the review. I'll try to post soon, but I think there was an issue with your review, as there are two of them, split apart. Yes, Abi is an amazing beta, but I will post ASAP. Thanks again!

Ellie

I keep coming back here to review you :)This is lovely. (More Puff points for us!) I swear that you can pull off any ship you want to. I would say that's unfair, but I'm still in awe because this is so shiny.

Lily xxx

Author's Response: Aww, Lily, thank you. Hmm, I don;t start writing pairings unless I'm sure I've got a hook into the relationship. For instance I never thought I'd write Dramione, but managed to somehow. I'm a bit in love with Oliver, at the moment, and also Daphne who keeps popping up in my stories. Thanks again ~Carole~

Before I start I would like to say that I am not trying to be critical but I have seen you ignore other crit in previous reviews, and I would like you to take this to heart.

I do feel like you are changing these characters to some sort of original story. I think there's a difference between watching them grow and change and making them completely OOC. I can't picture Ginny becoming a wild girl while she's completely normal at Hogwarts--there's a difference between dating a lot of boys like she does in the books and being a slut like she is here. I can't picture Hermione becoming a completely shallow girl who dresses provocatively and has sex with random people, when in the books she does none of these things. I can't picture Harry giving up Hogwarts, which is his home, and going to America, and also hitting on Hermione every chance he gets. All of this is just so different from the books, so wildly OOC. I've read the reviews and I realise that you are trying to show what it's like to grow up after the battle. But this is not growing up, this is just not the characters that we've read in the books.

I understand artistic freedom and I think that's what you're trying to do here. But you're making all of these characters do all of these things and you're really not justifying why.

If you manage to give these characters the characterisation that we've seen in the books I think this story has definite potential to be good.

Oh, and while I'm at it--why do you have Neville marrying an OC when in canon he marries Hannah Abbott? Do you have specific reasoning for this?

Anyway sorry if I come across as critical--I'm really not trying to be and just want to help you write better :)

Lily xxx

Author's Response: Dear Lily, Thanks for the review. I think I have answered some of your comments in previous reviews - Ginny has left the cloistered environment of Hogwarts and is a naive eighteen year old in the cesspool that is professional sports. Hogwarts is like hight school (in the U.S.) - Harry has to make the painful step and move on. As for Neville's marriage, I wanted the Geek to have a beautiful wife, and I need him in France for a later plot twist. I think if you keep reading, things may work out.....

Hello!

I was a little bit hesitant to click on this since I’ve never read your work before, but I really liked what I read. The writing was very poetic, and although it was short, I didn’t feel like it was too short at all.

The first thing I noticed about the fic is that in your chapter notes, the word hiatus is misspelled. Now, this doesn’t have anything to do with the quality of the fic, but I do feel like you should correct that in order to attract more readers. You also had several blank symbols throughout your story from using hyphens, and you misspelled the word Cruciatus. I highly suggest going to fix those. Although it is by no means required, it did detract from the story a little bit.

I loved the idea of Neville’s thoughts after Moody’s lesson in Goblet of Fire. We know that he was seriously upset from the scene shortly after, but it doesn’t feel like Harry goes to check up on him afterwards. In that, you had a very original idea. I also liked the idea of Neville’s insomnia, especially after that lesson. I don’t imagine that he would be able to, with no better word, rest in peace. I love that you mentioned that Harry couldn’t sleep either, since he does gather a lot of information in dreams, starting in GOF with Frank Bryce and Peter Pettigrew. With that information he gets a lot of insomnia (for no better word) and I think you said that very subtly here. The descriptions of what he does when he can’t sleep (and how Neville knows) were really wonderful.

I liked Neville’s feelings towards Bellatrix Lestrange. For obvious reasons, he should and does hate her, but I love how he feels so utterly helpless towards her. Through his mind, I don’t feel like he thinks he can do much, especially to an evil witch who tormented his parents into insanity, but I do feel like he wants to, more than anything. I think this line says it better than I could :

I can’t even perform a Switching Spell, I couldn’t perform an Unforgivable Curse.

This really accentuates his hatred towards Bellatrix and how he feels so completely inferior to her, since she had the power to take away his parents and he doesn’t have the power to bring them back. Therefore, he wants to take out all his anger on Bellatrix, but he knows that he can’t.

I wasn’t quite sure what you meant by the next line [after the one I just quoted]: I’m sure I would be all right with it, though. For her. I think that you’re trying to say that Neville would be okay (and completely able) to perform an Unforgivable Curse since it was towards Bellatrix Lestrange, using the eye-for-an-eye tooth-for-a-tooth reasoning. But the first time I read it, I felt like you were trying to subtley say that Neville would do anything for his mother. I think you should specify who “her” is, and that would make it a lot clearer for me.

I loved your mention of Ron’s fear of spiders, too. While I think he was definitely shocked by the curses that Moody performed, I also believe that the fact that Moody used spiders scared him more. While he was scared, to Neville, I’m sure it seemed like a very trivial reason, and didn’t really neccesitate the amount of fright that Ron gave.

It was really interesting that Neville compared his life to Harry’s, especially since they were very similar. But I felt like Neville would be kinder to his parents, even in his thoughts. From the small amount of parent-child interaction we received in OoTP, it seemed like Neville was totally accepting, but not necessarily happy, for his parents. Neville also clearly knows that what happened to Alice and Frank isn’t their fault, and I doubt he would really refer to them as having “left him,” even if physically, that’s what happened. I did like that you said that he wished they would do more than caress his face and give him a bubble-gum wrapper, because what child wouldn’t?

This could be just me, but I don’t think that Neville would want to trade places with Harry, where his parents were dead instead of just insane. Neville can still see them whenever he wants, and he can still see the remnants of who they were,and Harry can’t. It’s definitely heartbreaking, but I don’t think Neville would want to trade places with Harry because his situation is just as hard, if not more so.

Also, this story was almost choppy, in a way. You had so many different one-lined paragraphs, like Neville was jumping from thought to thought. First he was thinking about Bellatrix Lestrange, and how much he hated her, and how much he couldn’t hurt her. But every sentence you used was in a different paragraph. I definitely think you could put them all together into one paragraph. Then you began to talk about Harry and while he was affected by the lesson, not of the same magnitude as Neville. I think you could put this all in one paragraph as well. This middle section, where everything was in a different paragraph, seemed a little off, and I think you could definitely fix that by putting everything in the same paragraph.

Neville’s uncertainty at the end was probably my favourite part of the whole fic. I don’t think anyone [except J.K. Rowling] would have expected Neville to have such a big part in killing the last Horcrux (Nagini), least of all Neville himself. In my opinion, part of the reason Neville had trouble with magic is because he wasn’t very confident in himself. He didn’t feel like he had anything real to offer. I loved how you mentioned that he wasn’t sure why the Sorting Hat had put him in Gryffindor rather than Hufflepuff or something, because at the beginning of the series, I thought the same thing myself. He says that he doesn’t think he’ll ever find why the Sorting Hat put him in Gryffindor. This is a sort of catch-22 to me, because while Neville is brave enough to kill Nagini, he doesn’t feel like he’s brave enough at all, especially not towards his own self. Neville is a very complex character, and I think you did a wonderful job characterising him.

Yet even though Neville was unsure of himself, I don’t think he would question his right to be born. Sometimes, I wonder why I was even born, in such dangerous times, when everything, at any time, could be ripped away. By everything, I assume you mean that his parents could be ripped away at any time, although I could be reading too much into that. I think this is an overexaggerated version of sadness that his parents are gone…ripped away, and I don’t think Neville would question why he was born.

The ending of this story was very sudden and final, and I enjoyed that. You didn’t add any sort of closing, just Neville’s imagined depiction of Bellatrix’s torture of his parents. It left a chilling ending, which was wonderful. I liked it a lot.

I must admit that I was surprised by this story. I clicked on it because I was trolling down the Dark/Angsty page and I’ve never read any of your work before. It was very short, and despite its small flaws, very beautiful. I really enjoyed it, and if I didn’t know better, it could have been canon.

Lily xxx

Author's Response: Uh. Hello. Wow. I just got this review, and ... wow. Shock. Extremely long, very insightful - thanks. Will definetley keep me occupied for the next half hour while I try to think up a response....

I feel like you looked way, way deeper into this entire thing than I did! That's some impressive reading skills. ;) So...adressing everything bit-by-bit...

Poetic - okay, thanks. I didn't think I was heading in that direction, nice to know. ;) More of a thoughts thing, actually quite similar to how things get processed in my own head. ;)

Ah, spelling. Spell check is my best friend, but it is unfortunatley not a part of Internet Explorer... ;) I'll get back to that. XD

Thank you, thank you, thank you! ;) Haha, thanks.

Yes, "her" is Bellatrix Lestrange. Not Alice Longbottom.

Yes, yes, yes, all good points, although you should take into account that I have almost nothing to say in response to this - it's very overwhelming.

Unless I'm mistaken, I don't think I switched Neville and Harry at all - I was just pointing out that Neville kind of thinks it's less emotionally distressing to have dead parents all sorted out when he was too young to remember, instead of his predicament, which is living with parents that aren't all there.

Big paragraphs aren't my thing. I like to get the point across in segments, quick and concise if I can.

Neville does strike me as kind of a quiet curious one. Not Harry's type of curiosity (which is well-planned and intrusive) but more of a just-wondering kind. Only once he does soemthing about it, after all. (Staking out the common room in Sorcerer's Stone).

Thank you!

Yes, Neville has almost zero self-confidence in anything. Bravery, ability, zero, zip.

Ah, now this is where I become truly confused. Neville's not saying anything about his right to be born, more about any adult's choice to have a child in a war-torn world, when any moment they could be killed, or (in his case) tortured to insanity, leaving the child an orphan, or as good as.

Thank you - it was meant to be a little disturbing (or, if that failed utterly) nicely chilly. Like Jello. ;)

Haha, yes. Now you have. And I'll be going back to the spelling mistakes. And thanks - that was really sweet. XD. Hands down, this was the BEST review I've ever gotten. XD