*giggles* Noldo really doesn’t do summaries, does she?

Anyway, I was going to review, not giggle at barely-existent summaries. It’s been way too long since I read anything by you, but I was happy to find that I only had to read one line of this before I was caught by your rhythmic words again. I never really know how to describe your writing; it truly is unique and extraordinaire. I’ve learned to love your long sentences, how they start and then flow along, letting me flow with them, increasing in intensity at each comma or semicolon to finally erupt or dramatically die. *happy sigh* And… Well, forgive me for being odd now, but there is something decidedly mathematical about your writing. In a way, your sentences can be compared to equations (or something), long ones, that end either in glorious, satisfactory solutions, or in total confusion (on the reader’s part, I mean). *chuckle* In any case, I love it.

Guess what? I actually found something to point out, and I’ll get it over with while I still remember what it was:

…unalike and alike in unyielding pride, and he’s watching the way his mother’s face twists and watching his brother, the way he shouts, shaking in impotent fury, the way laughs…

- There seems to be a “he” missing before “laughs”?

You have created some wonderful confusion and uncertainty here, I think. The words telling us of the relationships between the Black brothers and their mother are well chosen; not just beautiful but also thought-triggering.

It’s something foreboding, certain and inexplicable; the harbinger of the storm.

- See? I like your shorter sentences too! Or perhaps I just happened to fall in love with the word “harbinger”. ;) In any case, its effect is stunning, and that sense of foreboding isn’t just on the screen, but in the air around me.

So, that was easy. Most of the time you make reviewing so much more difficult, just as in:

But while he’s watching Sirius go, he’s thinking about the way that brilliance goes with rashness (and that’s the way Sirius is, all intelligence and explosive temper and quite possibly madness), and the way he looked, paused for a moment and framed in twilight at the very edge of the threshold; and he’s thinking about the way the blue-grey sky and clouds and rain make the slow-moving figures in the street waver into nothingness, seeming less substantial than their own shuddering afterimages.

- Yes, I just quoted an entire paragraph. And it was NOT my fault. *chuckle* Noldo, I can’t chop it up and analyse it in smaller pieces than this. It’s the way the entire sentence works that makes the magic. But, “brilliance goes with rashness”, “framed in twilight at the very edge of the threshold”, “seeming less substantial than their own shuddering afterimages” – those are the words that make my heart beat extra hard. Bravo. Very bravo!

And now I’m going to do it again, almost:

And he’s standing in a city square, half the world away from everything he’s ever really known or understood or loved (or perhaps he’s standing in the middle of absolutely nowhere, and sometimes it’s exactly the same thing and sometimes not at all; but he tries, he honestly does, to see the interest in the ordinary and the excitement in the superlatively commonplace, and sometimes he can and sometimes he can’t and it’s always different)…

- Ooh, I can see this! The anonymous city square – or really, is he there? – and the honesty in his attempts, and how it’s always different because nothing is ever the same. And, “superlatively commonplace”? Your word-juggling skillz blow my mind.

Really, dear, you could write your stories in Elfish or a made-up language of your own. Yes, I do care about the content, but what stays with me the longest is the feeling of your words. They open up something in my mind; they let me think of New Things, and Old Things in a different way. And not a lot of texts do that to me, so… Well done, you! :D

/fangirling

*small sigh* Nan, you’re not making this easy for us. This is probably my favourite story from the SSSSS, but it’s proving to be very difficult to review. I think it’s like Leslie said – every single line is beautiful, so how on earth am I supposed to pick out a few to comment on? But I’ll do my best. =)

First off, I’m delighted that you chose a canon pairing (or what used to be one, at least). Some might think this is not so important, or that canon pairings are generally boring, but I think that by writing Percy/Penelope you prove that the pairing doesn’t have to be scandalous or rare to make the story great. That said, I don’t think the pairing is all too important here, but that the greatness of the story has everything to do with your magnificent use of language.

In a way, this is a character study of Percy Weasley. I think it’s fantastic how you manage to show us important part of his life, but without telling us how to feel. I especially appreciated that you showed us what Percy thought of his brothers. The first words about Bill and Charlie:

Charlie and Bill lived in an in-between world of golden days and peaceful nights. Though Bill was taller than his mother and Charlie’s voice was beginning to break, they still wrestled in the yard and chased each other around the kitchen table and unashamedly made themselves sick eating apples from the orchard at the bottom of the hill.

- they leave me feeling all warm and fuzzy inside. In canon we have come to know some things about the adult Bill and Charlie, and I think that most of us are very fond of them. Your picture of them as young boys match canon perfectly, like, how should I say… well, just boys. “Normal”, relaxed and simple boys who will grow into sensible men. Percy, in your story, becomes their opposite, thoughtful and complicated.

When Bill came to dinner that night his face was smudged. There was a secret quivering at the corner of his lips, and Percy thought that this, perhaps, was how one became a grown up.

- this is just so precious. I can see the image of Bill in my mind and it is wonderfully clear, but what’s more important is Percy’s reflection. Yes, definitely some of my favourite lines.

These three parts:

Their kiss then was something new and unfamiliar and extraordinary, a shared moment in which they discovered each other.

She is soft and sweet and honest as a child, and he wonders how she managed to escape the empty façade of the adult world.

…her body so different — golden, dark, mysterious, beautiful — from his own.

- oh, Nan, I love what you have done with the adjectives there. You know what they say, never to overuse adjectives and adverbs, to limit them to three, preferably four, per sentence. But in the lines above – they work. And not only do they work, they make for something very, very special, matching the rhythm and flow of the rest of the text perfectly. Bravo!

“Let’s go home,” Penelope says, and the taste of forgiveness is apple-sweet upon his lips.

A spot-on ending. We all know when a chapter or story is about to end, and all of us have expectations on the wrapping up, and we are always more or less satisfied with it. I often worry a little when I read something great, that the ending will not be good enough to match it. But not this time. For some reason I knew that this story would be complete, perfect, and I was right. There are three glowing words in that last line – “home”, “forgiveness” and “apple-sweet”. All three connect to the whole story, tying it up and leaving me breathless.

[Note: This is where my critique would have been, had I had any. As it is – sorry, Nan, all you get is gushing.]

I thought I should tell you that this one-shot was what finally made me go and read A Road of Shattered Glass. I had thought about doing that for a while, having heard so many great things about it, but the ballet part held me back; I have a very troublesome relationship with dancing. But after Where Light and Shadow Meet I would not have cared if the story was about Umbridge getting her pedicure – I just had to read more of your writing. Believe me when I say this, Nan, because your language and style are extraordinary. Reading your work is like reading something by a published author. Or, lol, perhaps that wasn’t a good comparison seeing with all the crap that’s been published. No, it’s rather like… ha, I don’t even know what, but like reading something by one of my favourite authors. After reading your stories I felt like I had strolled around in the library, tripped upon an unexpected gem and would not be happy if I couldn’t keep on reading the author’s words forever.

So, yes, that is me saying that you should write, Nan, longer and more often. I don’t care what you write about, because I’ll read it all. =)

Author's Response: This story actually started with the idea of BIll kissing a girl in the orchard surrounded by apples, and it grew into the idea of someone watching Bill kiss the girl, which was the origin of the entire section on Bill and Charlie. I wanted to show something about innocence and innocence lost, and Bill and Charlie stood for the innocence. It was probably my favorite part in the story, so I\'m really glad you liked it. I usually have very conflicted feelings about my stories, hovering between affection (because I wrote it) and dislike (because of all the faults). This story is perhaps the only thing of everything I\'ve written that I am really confident about - I can say unashamedly that i am proud of it. While I was writing it I found a rhythm that I usually have to struggle very hard to produce artificially, and it flowed in a way I have never had a story flow before. I value your opinion very highly, and I can\'t say how happy your compliments make me. Thank you!

*stares at Patrick*

You… You… OMG! Teh brilliance!

*mumbles incomprehensible words of admiration, and beats keys at random, then erases, and repeats*

Where do I begin? Yes, yes, I know exactly where to begin. Do you know what this reminds me of? The style, I mean? There is something decidedly Seren-ish about it. Now, I haven’t read near enough of her work to be allowed to say that, but it was what I felt and thought when I read it. And in case it would be at all unclear – that is some mighty praise. ;)

When the church bells ring, it is a sign that service has started in the abbey nestled in the Scottish Highlands.

I love it from the first line. Yes, perhaps the thought of Scottish Highlands has something to do with my attraction to this line, but I adore your choice of verb - nestled. Really, you could have let this one-shot happen anywhere, but by placing it in the Scottish Highlands you instantly give it a special atmosphere, a special scent to the air my mind pictures. Also, I think the title of the story is very well used there, already in the first proper line.

She taps her fingers on the table as if she is nervous, but she knows she needn’t worry. The Devil has no power there.

Still, she bites her lip.

*ogles at her own mental image* I can see it so well! Oh, you’ve picked the perfect words for triggering the paintbrushes of my mind.

He has lost his pride, dignity, and stature. His arrogance, she notes, has not quite left him yet.

*shakes head* You do NOT need anyone to teach you the ways of Lucius. I know that I have developed a tendency to see him as a good guy; well, not exactly “good”, but at least a lot less icy-hearted than my original canon image was. Here, you manage to bring the complete devil back before my eyes, completely believable. And what is even more amazing, you still allow him to love Siobhan (which, btw, was entirely OMG*DIES*AHH!SONOTEXPECTED!-inducing), still allow him to be human enough to almost pity. Gah. Amazing job.

He leans back, the chair creaking as if a thousand troubles had found themselves being supported by the intricately designed back. She notes, again, that this is not just her imagination.

I did not just quote the very next lines there, did I? If so, it’s your fault, not mine. ;) Anyway, this was just delicious. *nibbles words*

Okay, the whole sequence from “You think of it as a game --” to “And now you expect me to show the mercy that only God can bestow.” - it’s… (Can you tell I’m running out of adjectives and adverbs here?) It’s bone chilling. I read it out loud to myself, and the rhythm of the words is fantastic.

There are so few pureblood families left in the world, and it’s because you cannot contain your bloodlust!

Excellent work with the words “pureblood” and “bloodlust” there!

“How a person with so much sin and ice in their heart is capable of love is uncomprehensible.”

But you, Mr Author, does tell us that he is capable of love. (Or loving?) And then it’s true. I’m back at the subject of Lucius again. I admire Jenna because she has turned him into something more than just a killer or a sexy Slytherin man. And now you do the same thing here, and I’m just in awe. An extra spoonful of Tiramisu to you for including the word “sin”, of course. :)

She stands strong, for she has one to guide her, to make her bold in the light of fire.

This is my very favourite line, especially the last bit of it. It’s so poetic, so full of emotion, determination and faith. “…to make her bold in the light of fire.” – I want to quote it, iconise it, banner it, print t-shirts with it on and wear it always. *loves*

I found a couple of things I’m going to bother you about. :)

- Few wizards even dare test its limits. Only one cloaked wizard does not rush out of the forest…

You’ve done a great job with intentional repetitions in this one-shot, but here it doesn’t seem intentional and then it annoys my over-sensitive brain at once. I think that the second “wizard” could simply be replaced with “man”, or “figure”, because the fact that he’s wearing a cloak instantly tells all HP people that it’s a wizard you mean.

- …somewhere over to the left of one particularly menacing Death Eater.

She slumped in a ditch and was feigning death. She watched one particularly menacing Death Eater…

I’m not sure what your intentions were here, with “one particularly menacing Death Eater”? I love the phrase, but I’m not sure that it works if repeated this way. What do you think?

- “You killed her. You never got her to a Healer, you never saw that she would be okay….”

There’s a small formatting mistake there at the end – it should be three dots instead of four. Also, I’m not entirely comfortable with the word “okay”. It doesn’t sound as “Lucius” as his other words do. Perhaps something like “cared for” or “get help”, or if you didn’t have “Healer” earlier on in the sentence, “healed” would have looked good at the end. Just something to think about. :)

Now I’ve got some more general comments for you, m’dear. To begin with: the chess references. They are so well used, and tie all the moves together in the last part of the story. As you have probably figured out by now, I know shag all about religion (shame on the Viking), and have probably missed a bunch of cleverly inserted references here, but that doesn’t matter. The chess parts are more than enough for any reader.

When I read, I reacted on how Cho uses Lucius’ first name. At first I was going to point this out and ask if it was really appropriate, but then… you know, it didn’t feel wrong. I mentally tried to insert “Mr Malfoy” there, and almost snorted at it. By using “Lucius”, you imply that they know each other – as enemies or as something else (But she keeps her enemy closer.), and my imagination is allowed to run wild. And wild and far it runs. ;)

The ending, of course, is superb. For obvious reasons I knew before I started to read that the woman in question was Cho, but the readers who don’t know this will undoubtedly be surprised at the last line. You really do have a thing for giving credit to the HP women whom some look down on, don’t you? *chuckle*

I know I have quoted a lot of stuff above, but really, this piece is finest in its entirety, without being chopped up and analysed. The overall impression is stunning, and shows both what a great writer you are now, and how much potential you have.

*bows to her first mate, and adds story to favourites*

Author's Response: O.O You. YOU LEFT ME FABULOUS REVIEW OMG I HEARTS IT. It took me a billion tries until I got Lucius\' character right, and I looked at Sins as a reference, but OMG thank you for the MASSIVE compliment about likening my style to Seren\'s. That\'s like comparing an art student to being the next Leonardo, or a music student to Mozart. OMG ANNA, total love for you and your amazing review. *hug* [I also fixed everything you suggested :)]

Wow, Steph! I don’t know what I was expecting from this story after your words, but certainly not this. You’ve talked about the story as if it would gross people out, but clearly that was just your way of being modest. Because, Steph, this is not gross, it’s beautiful.

Still, I’m going to begin the actual review with shaking my finger at you. ;) There are very few things to remark on about this fic, but formatting-wise, I think it would look better if you put a few blank lines between the A/N and the beginning of the story. As it is now, they kind of float together and there is no pause, no chance to settle down and take a breath, before the story starts.

Already in the second line I’ve found something I want to praise:

It balances on the side of his desk usually, but today it has decided to fall.

I adore what you have done with word order here. I think most authors would write Usually, it balances etc, or It usually balances etc, but you create a much nicer rhythm and pace to your story by putting ‘usually’ at the end of the clause. Lovely!

You play very nicely with the temperatures; one moment it is hot and sweaty and Colin is angry, and the next it’s absolutely freezing and he is in despair. This returns later in the story when he is walking through London and then enters the pub. It is such a sharp contrast and it keeps your readers alert and always aware of what is going on.

It is interesting with little stories like this one, how they can make you look at a character in a whole new way. You really got to me with these two sentences:

He is haggard, old inside. Too many thoughts have worn down his body until he really just feels like an empty, guilty shell inside.

I have never connected the word ‘old’ with Colin before. Even when I’ve pictured him as an adult he has always had something youthful about him, something very energetic and enthusiastic. Seeing him like this is something new, but it also makes sense because I believe that everyone feels like that sometimes. You’ve developed Colin’s character further than I ever could have, Steph.

He is constantly thinking, will this action discount me from ever being loved by Harry? If I do this, will Harry hate me?

Oooh. I really adore this part. I think you’ve captured a very real emotion and realistic thoughts here. I know it, because I always think it about people I admire and/or love. Excellent detail.

And then it gets a little difficult. I see that you have chosen not to put a line between the paragraph containing the last quote and the one beginning with He doesn’t know how he comes to be on the streets of London. In one way it works, because you keep the reader in Colin’s mind and we focus on him rather than the surroundings. But on the other hand, it feels like a jump between two scenes, and then it would work better with some kind of separator, like a line or a bigger blank space.

The grass is wet, heavy with the evening dew, and the street lights flicker on and off ominously as he nears the pub that he used to call his home.

Guh. That sentence is pure description lust. Go Steph!

About this:

His feet walk numbly without assistance from his brain; it’s too far away.

*giggle* Perhaps it’s just me, but I’d like to suggest that you change ‘brain’ to ‘mind’ there. Because when you say that his brain is too far away, one could actually interpret it as though his brain was too far away from his head/body. (Insert shocked eyes here.) If you use ‘mind’, it’s less confusing for people like me. Or, alternatively, you could change ‘it’s too far away’ to something like ‘his thoughts distracted with guilt’.

Tomorrow, he decides, will be the day he goes to Harry and asks for his forgiveness, and possibly, his love.

That line simply made me go ‘Oooh!’ So, I’m sorry, Steph, but you completely failed to gross me out, but instead you made me hope for Colin.

Okay. Having said that, I’m also surprisingly relieved when Colin has his little I-don’t-love-Harry epiphany. It’s just, you know, so much easier that way. It’s easier than having to make a Harry/Colin relationship plausible, and easier than having Harry reject Colin. So really – clever move there, Steph!

But then you confuse me again. Firstly, I couldn’t really see that Colin would give Harry a hug if they don’t share more than their time on Hogwarts that we know from canon. But perhaps they know each other from after they both left school? And then you have Colin chatting merrily in one paragraph, and in the next (which appears to be in the same scene) he hangs his head in disappointment. For the story to make more sense, I would suggest that you skip the hug and the chat about the Nargle infestation. Instead you could just have Colin approach Harry, perhaps say his name to get his attention, and then follow up with the forgiveness-in-Harry’s-eyes bit. Because, I really like the very last lines, where you have managed to describe Colin’s new feelings so well.

Before I finish the review I would also like to compliment you on how you have used Colin’s camera in the fic. It’s such an essential part of his character, and you’ve managed to make it his constant companion in a way that all photographing readers will be able to relate to. Very well done!

Overall, Steph, this is a lovely little piece. Your language is stunning, and you have such a lovely flow to it. Keep it coming, girl! =)

Author's Response: OH, poo. Way to ruin my fun!

Anna. Anna. Anna. *gapes* You are so completely wonderful, I\'m typing with two hands, and have just taken pictures of SQUEES.

I think the choppiness of the scenes is because I wrote the end at the start as food for thought. The feelings/thoughts changed as the story progressed, and you\'ll find in places that I may have said what I intended to be put across twice, but in a different way. I really need to stop doing that. It\'s those little imperfections I think that make me want to go in an edit it all away.

Heee. Do you know how many times I wrote \'Brian\' instead of brain? But indeed, I shall change that to mind. Always happy for a SPEW opinion!

He is constantly thinking, will this action discount me from ever being loved by Harry? If I do this, will Harry hate me? - I particulary love this line. it\'s perhaps my most dwelled on line, so I\'m very glad you pointed it out. I think, when talking or writing to people that we want to admire or love us, we tend to be hesitant to express what we really feel, and I\'m so glad that I got this across.

I\'ll work on this. This... makes me so incredibly happy, Anna, because it makes me feel like I\'ve written something finally worthy of a good review =) I will definitely edit this, and heed your advice. Oh! *hugs you*

Ooh, look at this! How unexpected and lovely!

To begin with, your writing style is very tidy and easy to enjoy. It seems that you use mostly short sentences and don't bother with using pretty words just for the sake of it - and I like that combination. It's clear that you had a purpose with this story, a message, and I want to congratulate you on conveying it so well.

You have created two believable original characters, which is not an easy thing to begin with. But what is even more special is that with Jacqueline you have created a character who would be called a Mary Sue by many people, but through your writing she becomes real.

Regan is excellent with her sarcasm, and the sensitive side she’s hiding. You know, she reminds me a great deal of Tonks, both from the books and from Ennalee’s fic A Road of Shattered Glass where a young Tonks is one of the main characters. I think you’ve stirred together a perfect mix of Tonks and Lupin, and you manage to show us so much of her through relatively little text.

The next thing that impressed me is how your style is different for the two parts of the story. It is like you, as a person, can identify yourself with both of your characters, and by putting a little bit of yourself in both the parts you give such life to the story.

A seventy-six year old had keeled over at the sight of her in Diagon Alley once. They pretended it was a coincidence, but Regan knew better.

- I simply had to quote those lines, because I actually snorted in my teacup when I read it.

No one knew what kind of rebellious thrill she experienced when Regan referred to her as 'Jack'. It was silly, how much a name could mean to her. Especially a boy's name, but it did. Always. Because that one name made her feel more human. More relatable. It was nice.

- This is my other absolute favourite part. That ‘rebellious thrill’ is something I long to see in every female character, no matter what causes it.

I guess some people would say that Jacqueline and Regan wouldn’t be likely to be best friends, but I disagree. Not only are their families close, but two people don’t have to be alike to be friends. And yes, I believe that it’s possible to feel the way they do about your best friend. Even if you love your friend, it can be hard to be compared with them. It’s the same thing with sisters and brothers, really.

I’m afraid that this review isn’t very constructive or helpful at all, and I’m now going to finish it in the same horrible fashion. I really like the end of this one-shot. You give us the two sides of the story, and that’s it. You don’t offer a solution or conclusion, but only the facts. To me it seems that you want to say that yes, perhaps it’s possible to overcome these comparisons in specific cases, but that’s not the point. The point is that this happens all the time, and is a real problem.

Wonderful work, Kate. I’m definitely going to check out more of your writing at some point. =)

Well, Abigail, what do you know? Here was I, browsing through the Recently Updated stories to find something to review, and what did I find? This!

I should start by telling you that I used to be very fond of Ron/Hermione. Well, I suppose I still am, but it has been months since I last browsed that category. But you’ve made me remember why I like this pairing so much. I also like the ‘missing moment’ concept, because since the time in which the author can set an event is limited, and so they seem to put more thought and feeling into that very moment – just as you have done here. Every step of the scene seems to be carefully thought-through, and there is nothing about Ron’s or Hermione’s character that contradicts what we have learned from canon. Your personal style is quite lovely, and the only criticism I’ve got to offer is some boring nit-picking. Well, I shall try to get it over and done with quickly. =)

I’m not sure about your use of ellipses. You seem to always have a blank space before them, even when they mark the end of a sentence. I was taught that they should always follow straight after the last word, without any blank space. But perhaps both are correct?

‘When did you get so smart, Ron Weasley?’ she asked, her mouth curving into a trembling smile.

It seems to me that you have aimed to write your story with British spelling, judging from the fact that you spell ‘criticising’ with an s instead of a z. And while I know that it’s common to use ‘smart’ with the meaning of ‘clever’ in England these days, I think that Hermione is very aware of her language and word choice and that she would probably use ‘clever’ rather than ‘smart’.

You’re fulfilling your own prophesy that way.

At first I thought this was another issue of British/American spelling, but then I realised that ‘prophesy’ with the s is the verb, while ‘prophecy’ with a c is the noun. I’m assuming that you meant to use the noun here?

‘I’m not sure, exactly,’ she said, dodging the question.

‘Oh, yes, you do,’ he countered, pulling away so he could see her face.

Ron’s ‘you do’, doesn’t really make sense here. Hermione says that she’s not sure, so a natural response from Ron would have been ‘yes, you are’. But if Hermione had said ‘I don’t know, exactly’, then Ron’s reply would have worked. I suggest you change either of the lines.

Okay, now I’m done with the boring stuff. Let me point out a couple of things that I really liked:

He knew he wasn’t brave, and he knew that anything he said to her, she’d probably find an argument against, anyway.

I would perhaps consider removing the first two commas from this sentence, but the actual content is absolutely wonderful. You’ve managed to show us Ron’s self-doubt and his complicated relationship with Hermione, all in one sentence. Great work!

Her hair tickled his arm, but he didn’t mind. It was her hair.

This is what love is all about, isn’t it? The things that can annoy you, or even drive you crazy, when other people do it, can be the things you love most about the person you belong with. I love how you have included this, because the tickling of hair on an arm is the sort of thing that not all authors seem to have time for in their fics, but that I think gives a story flavour and originality.

All in all, this is a well-written little story, and I can see why Mar has such great things to say about you. I hope I will be sensible enough to take the time and read more of your writing in the future. =)

Author's Response: Anna, I am so thrilled and honoured to get a review from you! Thank you so much -- especially for the nit-picking. We authors never catch our own mistakes, do we? You are right about the word \"prophesy\" -- I actually didn\'t know about the different spellings/meanings. And you\'re also right about that dialogue. I was really tired when I wrote that scene, and I think I cut some dialogue and never checked it!

Your review has brightened my whole day, Anna. *hugs* Thank you! I admit I was worried about the believability and characterisation. It\'s so wonderful to hear that it worked!

~ Abigail

Beckham! I was out searching for a healthy dose of my Guilty/Pleasure pairing, otherwise known as Harry/Ginny (you know, Harry/Katie being my OTP and all, *cough*), when I stumbled upon this. So now you shall have to endure an Anna-review. =)

To begin with – I like this. Actually, I like it a lot. It’s such a simple scene you have created, and yet so important. Of course, it also helps that you have used an abundance of beautiful details, which I’m an absolute sucker for. You know, the way you tell this story greatly reminds me of Periwinkle-Anna’s style.

The desk she is sitting at seems to sag with an added weight when she comes closer to it, almost as though it can sense the burden she is carrying.

- see? That, there! Detains like that just make the surroundings come to life (not literally, of course, I meant non-fictional), and you paint such a complete and vivid picture in my mind. Well done!

Then the other side of her mind retaliates against the first, like it always does.

- ! Yes, an exclamation mark. It’s for two reasons. One – so that doesn’t just happen in my head? Excellent. Two – what a wonderful way to tell your readers about what’s going on in Ginny’s mind. And the way you compare the two sides of her mind with fighting dogs is, if I may say so, very creative and original.

I think that single word, Harry, had the desired effect on me. It wasn’t that I expected something else, but I was so focused on your Ginny that I had completely forgotten that Harry was also supposed to have his part in all of this. When I read his name, a shiver of excitement rushed up my spine.

And… then I actually did expect something different. I thought for sure that Ginny would begin to write a letter. But no. It’s just the I love you. And that was all that mattered.

Hm. I’m sorry, Beckham, I have no critique or suggestions for improvements to offer you, because there is nothing in this fic that needs correcting, nothing that I would want to change. I also don’t really know how to end my review, because it feels like I want to say something more. Perhaps someone would say that your story seemed short, and perhaps someone would wonder about its purpose. But I think it’s just long enough for what you want to say, and that the purpose is to give us a wonderful, entirely plausible glimpse of Ginny. I have seen a few ‘reunion’ fics around, and although this hasn’t got any Harry/Ginny interaction in it, it has still got some important thoughts of Ginny’s, and the proof (written proof, even) that she really does love Harry.

And to someone on the hunt for guilty pleasure Harry/Ginny, that is all that matters. =)

Author's Response:

Ooh, an Anna!Review! No way!

Hi Elissy! I spotted this story in the SPEW Category Patrolling thread over at the forums, and thought that I’d write a review for it. =)

To begin with, it seems that you have a nice, large vocabulary. You make use of it most of the time, though sometimes I think you type a bit too quickly and forget to think about your words. One example of this would be how you quite frequently repeat words in a sentence, such as in: An echoed charm came through the air, and Severus identified it as a drying charm You have a close repetition of “charm” there, but I think that if you would have slowed down a bit, or re-read your own text, you would have picked up on it. A different way of writing that sentence could be: “The echo of a spell reached him through the air, and Severus identified it as a drying charm.” By not repeating the word “charm”, you give a better variation and flow to your text.

I get a feeling that you are really close to writing a fantastic text here, but that you need to think a bit more about what you’re writing. If we look at this sentence:

The thick leaves and shade shadowed him from the glaring afternoon sunshine, as well as the eyes of the other Hogwarts students.

“shade” and “shadowed” are very similar words, there. And by telling us that “thick leaves” are blocking out the sunshine, we already know that Severus is in the shade. But your intentions with the sentence are ever so good – that the leaves can hide him from both the sunlight and the looks of other students. See, if you put it like this: “The thick leaves were protecting him from the glaring afternoon sunshine, as well as eyes of the other Hogwarts students.” – then you escape that repetition completely, and the sentence reads more easily.

I have another example here: Her red hair was slightly damp from splashing and swimming,

- was her hair only “slightly” damp from splashing and swimming? If she had been out of the water for a while I might agree with this, but it seemed in your text that she was still in. I have long hair myself, and if I’m swimming then it’s more than just slightly damp – it’s absolutely soaking. ;) But my point here is that perhaps it would be a good idea for you to visualise the scenes before you a bit more. Try to see it in your own head, what Severus sees. Try to feel it – he must be horribly warm, wearing black robes when it’s warm enough for people to be swimming in the lake?

I don’t quite agree with your characterisation of Lily when she first sees James – I don’t think she would “spit” words at him without being provoked. And it didn’t quite make sense to me when you made her say, "Pity you showed up," she spat. "Because I was just leaving." If Lily was just leaving, why would it be a pity that James showed up?

You told us earlier that Lily was drying something with a charm, so I was very surprised to see her punching her fists into James back when he carried her off. If she had her wand close by, I would have expected her to use it while trying to fight him off. It’s one of my favourite things with writing HP fanfiction, how we have the possibility of including random pieces of magic here and there. Same thing when Sirius threw water at Severus – wouldn’t it have been cool if he had used his wand to soak Severus? And again, when James dragged Severus towards the water, it would have made more sense to me if he had used his wand, skilled a wizard as he supposedly was.

Sirius laughed. "Sorry, Evans. No can do." He shrugged and gave her a mischievous smirk.

- this is an EXCELLENT line of Sirius’! Completely in character - bravo!

"Ah, but Lily, we could just have a little bit of fun," he answered, laughing, leading Severus to the lake and feigning throwing him in.

- In OotP, when Harry talks to Remus and Sirius about what he saw in “Snape’s worst memory”, they tell him that after his parents got together, James stopped messing with Severus when Lily was around. I think that at this point in your story, James would have figured out that throwing Severus into the water would be a bad idea if he wanted to stay in Lily’s good books.

"Look, Mudblood, I don't need your condolences! I could care less about you or your pathetic boyfriend. Now just leave me alone before you make me do something I regret!" he snarled, leaving her standing on the grass blankly.

- Elissy, this is a very, very good piece of Severus Snape. It reminds me of what he said to Lily in “Snape’s worst memory”, but it’s all in your own words. Nice!

I’m aware that I’ve offered quite a lot of critique in this review, but I hope that you feel that it was constructive and helpful. Your style is good and you have an excellent grasp of grammar and spelling; it’s only, as I said earlier, that you have to think a bit more about the words and sentences that come out of your fingertips as you type. Thank you for sharing your story!

Author's Response: Um, wow! I feel like I\'ve been beta\'d all over again. :-P But that\'s a good thing, of course. Thank you for your critique; I really appreciate honesty in reviewers. I can\'t thank you enough for everything you pointed out in this. I\'ll definitely remember it when I write more in the future. :-) Thanks!

Right, Abi. I am absolutely determined to review this story even though you already have several excellent reviews. Just you try and stop me. ;)

Wow. Where do I begin? Perhaps with Ginny. I agree with some previous reviewer that she’s perhaps not very feisty in this story, but I don’t mind the slightest. She reminds me more of the Ginny we saw at the very end of HBP, and that’s also the Ginny I like best. And the version you have written here is absolutely not boring – she’s perfect for the story and the story is perfect for her.

I really admire you for writing something so innocent, that is still so exciting and gives me such a thrill when reading it. Really, if written this well, a single kiss (and the scenes building up to it) can offer just as much enjoyment for a reader as something much more daring and Professors-rated.

At first glance, Dan seems like an average type of guy. But you promptly remind us that he’s a professional Quidditch player, and the strong arm he puts under Ginny’s certainly doesn’t make it worse. Also, I think it’s interesting that you don’t mention what House he was in, even when they talk a bit more over the Butterbeers. That seems to be very common with OCs in fanfiction, and I found myself wondering what House he belonged to. I’m not saying that it’s a bad thing that you left it out, just that I was curious. =)

And the Side-Along Apparation – absolutely genius! I never thought about it before, that it could be such an excellent opportunity and excuse for close contact. Sweet.

Right. Some nitpicks, ahoy!

I’m the youngest and only girl in a family of seven.

Hm. I don’t know, if you use the phrase “in a family of seven”, is it then implied that you mean seven children and two parents? Otherwise it’s a little confusing, as the Weasley family consists of nine people, parents included. Unless you killed someone off? *shifty eyes*

‘I’m not very interesting, either,’ Dan said, shrugging.

Hm, again. That didn’t sound right to me. Ginny didn’t say straight out that she thought she wasn’t interesting, so if Dan is interested in her, I don’t think he’d imply that she wasn’t interesting. Perhaps he would say something like, “There’s not much to say about me, either.” How about that? Then he’s at least not indirectly insulting Ginny. ;)

Ginny found Dan extremely easy to talk to — she felt she had known him for years.

I think you meant to write “she felt like she had known him for years.” ?

‘Sweet dreams, Ginny.’

‘I’m sure I will,’ she said softly, smiling.

The two lines of the dialogue don’t really match. Ginny’s answer sounds like a reply to “Sleep well”, as opposed to “Sweet dreams”. Perhaps it would be a good idea to either change “Sweet dreams” to “Sleep well”, or else, which I think is even better, you could change Ginny’s answer to “I’m sure they will be” – a little bolder, perhaps.

That’s the boring stuff over and done with. Now I want to gush some more. Because, you see, the dialogue here is very well-written indeed – I really like the playfulness and the subtle teasing. It’s easy to tell that these characters are very interested in one another, and that something is happening here.

As the youngest, Ginny hated being babied, but Dan’s concern for her was different, somehow.

!!! Yes! Excellent! Of course Ginny hates being babied, but it’s such a difference having a parent or a sibling be worried about you, compared to a charming man. I think all women want to be independent, but at the same time, deep down, we want to be taken care of. A wonderful thing to include, Abi!

And I know that I already mentioned the kiss, but I’m going to do it again. It is very well-written – I’m grinning and tingling and cheering inside.

I went back to have a look at Comfort Me and the review I wrote for that, and I can definitely say that you have improved with this. I must congratulate you, and hope that you continue in the same fashion. =)

*shifty eyes*

If you want critique, please scroll past this review. Just a fair warning.

First and foremost, I know that this story is dedicated to a whole bunch of people… but for some reason, when I read it, I get that wonderful feeling that it’s somehow written for me. And I won’t lie to you – I kind of like that. *cough*

omg, where do I begin?! I know, I’ll start at the beginning. That makes sense. And the beginning is KATIE. Mar! She. Is. Perfect. Like, She wasn’t meant for flipping pages and collecting notes at a table in a stale, quiet room. And… It’s just the little details, like with the paper cuts and Katie being close to hexing people for blinking, *giggles* - it makes her come alive. And oh, how I love that she’s off to the Quidditch pitch! I mean, you send her there because it’s a part of the plot, but… at the same time, it’s so her.

After an eternity,

I’m sorry, but using the word ‘eternity’ in a story that features Katie Bell is just going to make me squee. Even if the story isn’t at all about the pairing that I connect with that particular word. (I never said this would make sense.)

The lovely pitch, her pitch, was seemingly overgrown with thick, monstrous hedges. How could this be?

Her pitch! Of course it’s her pitch! I mean, *cough*, I love that you remind us how important Quidditch and flying is to Katie, and that it’s about freedom and power. By having Katie call it “her” pitch, you show us how strongly she feels about the sport, and… I’m not sure what I’m saying, but… gah, this Katie that you’re writing, she’s real from the very first to the very last word of this chapter.

Okay. Sigh. I was just about to quote the first part of the dialogue where Cedric whispers in Katie’s ear, but then I realised that I wanted to quote the next line too, and then the next one and the next… so I guess I had better just write about it without quoting anything at all. See, when Cedric whispers in her ear, my knees grow weak at once. And then Katie elbows him! And he exclaims her name in agony! And she mimics him and calls him a prat! And I’m just giggling and grinning because it’s all excellent! And it continues. Oh, Mar, I’m definitely not comparing your styles, but this is how I feel when I read Jenna’s writing. It’s a pure thrill because it flows so wonderfully and the dialogue is… well, Katie and Cedric just belong.

Speaking of which, I love the history you created between them, which is entirely believable and puts them in such an excellent position for the upcoming events. I won’t lie – I have a certain fondness for boy/girl friendships (well, boy/boy and girl/girl too, of course) that evolve into romantic relationships. Like, you know, Sirius and Lucille. *grins*

Okay. Now I need to quote:

“I came out to fly, not plant-watch.”

And:

Katie whacked his leg with her broom, before mounting it.

You see, I printed this chapter and read it and made review notes while I was a sub teacher up at school, and next to those two sentences, I have drawn great, big XD’s. Which, *giggles*, I thought you needed to know.

“Sure, I’ll be your knowledgeable tour guide.” Cedric took his place behind her, holding onto her shoulders.

“I’m rolling my eyes at you again.”

“Good.”

Here it says *DIES!* in my notes, not sure what I meant with that? *coughs* A lot of things, I daresay. Firstly, Cedric’s line. It’s just – Mar, I don’t know why it’s so brilliant, it just IS! And then Cedric, sitting behind Katie, holding onto her shoulders? Ma-ar! You can try to make it sound as casual as you want to, I’m tingling all over anyway. And then the eyerolling and Cedric’s reply? No. No, I’m just grinning.

Gah. I’m just going to give in to this pressing need of constant quoting that I’m suffering from.

Katie thought for a moment, then began a swift descent into the heart of the maze. “Sounds perfect. I’m in need of a good adventure. Besides, I hardly see you around, Mr Champion, who is too busy for anything but the tournament.”

They hit the ground with a light thud. Cedric held out his hand, silently offering to carry the broom. “Indeed, I am much too busy,” he answered in a lofty tone, barely keeping a straight face. “Legend speaks, however, of a girl who has been chained to her books, consumed with flipping pages, and-”

“Oh, stuff it,” Katie laughed, shoving Cedric as they began their course through the hedges.

*shakes head* “Mr Champion, who is too busy for anything but the tournament” – the way she says it, teasingly, but still openly admitting that she’s missed seeing him around. Then there’s Cedric, silently offering to carry the broom – a gentleman, just as I imagine him. And I don’t mean an uptight gentleman, no, but just someone who knows how to behave, and it’s natural for him. Someone with self-confidence and good manners that comes from a good upbringing and a good life. And, *giggles, his line, and how he can barely keep a straight face – Mar, I can see it. And Katie with her “Oh, stuff it”, and shoving Cedric (yay for more body contact), *happy sigh*

And then Cedric gets all honest and serious and non-jokingly when he tells Katie that he’s missed her, and I just melt from the wonderfulness. I fully expected Katie to blush or something, but instead she looks up into his face, straightforward and just as honest, and tells him something just as nice. It’s all so open - they know each other, they like each other, and at this point it’s all so natural and there’s nothing they need to hide. Aw.

“Worst case scenario: you grow an extra nose because it has cursed pollen,” he said as he tucked it behind her ear.

“Cedric!” She swatted him away and laughed, but she was smiling and she didn’t remove the flower.

“Can you imagine the kind of superior smelling you’d get with an extra nose?”

“You’re ridiculous.”

Lolol, here I have an even bigger XD in my notes. And I’m giggling again when I read the “superior smelling” part. *giggles* BRILLIANT!

Now, of course, we come to the part where you’re really trying to kill me through Fangirl Overload. I don’t think I need to explain why, but I think it’s beautiful that you’ve written “a different feeling”, instead of trying to describe what it is that they feel. An explanation would have been superfluous – I think every reader knows the feeling.

*takes a moment to breathe*

Oh, yes. I wanted to compliment you on this:

It was probably a related plant - hedges that move, vines that try to grasp and suffocate you.

Good thinking! I like that! And I’m curious if it was something you’d put in the story before starting, or if it popped up as you were writing?

Okay. Onwards to Further Death by Complete Fangirl Overload. It’s not just that the kiss is über-brilliant, but the scene leading up to it? It’s such a serious subject, but you’ve managed to find a natural way for it to come up in the conversation with the tasks awaiting Cedric, and by doing so it doesn’t sound at all forced or pretentious – it sounds real.

Now to the kiss, and this is the Ghost of Anna writing as I have passed away from previously mentioned cause. It just… happens. And he captures her mouth in a kiss. *dies again* But my absolute favourite part is how their hands find each other and entwine. So beautiful. And the forehead against forehead? It made me think of a certain Mr Darcy and a Miss Bennet, and that only made it more wonderful. I’m all tingles again when I read about Cedric moving his hand up and down her back. *sighs* In fact, in my notes I have a x.x next to that sentence.

“Katie, I really like you.”

“But are you going to do anything about it?”

After a moment’s pause, he squeezed her hand and asked her what his heart needed to know. “Should I?”

“I can’t tell you,” she said simply.

Here my notes say “MA-AR!” (thrice underlined), which I think is a rather appropriate reaction to the utter torture you put your readers through here. When did a little AU hurt anyone?! Why did there have to be a Cho?! Ma-ar, WHY?

*cough*

Ahem. Yes. My notes end with three giant exclamation marks after, He had to make a choice: Katie or Cho. They were a feeble attempt at describing the absolute excitement I feel about this story. Mar, I can safely say that this is the best thing I’ve ever read by you. I’ve always considered you to be a talented author, but when I read this I was actually surprised at the pure quality of it. Not because I didn’t think you could produce something like this, but… it’s just such a huge improvement even from the wonderful things you’ve written before, that I simply wasn’t expecting it. Everything flows. To me, this is simply one of those stories that were meant to be written. And I’m delighted that it was you, my friend, who wrote it. I would have adored the story no matter who wrote it, but now it’s even better. I’m so proud of you.

There is only really one thing left for me to say (for now, I mean). Quidditch couples are HOT. And, wait, there are a couple of more things as well – AU never hurt anyone, nor did some Professor-rated writing, or even more-than-Professors-rated-posted-elsewhere. *shifty eyes*

Mar, I bow to you. Absolutely bloody spiffing.