Wow... the conversations that Harry has, they are amazing. I am jealous, I wish I could write something like that. They are honest, realistic and yet inspiring at the same time. And the way everyone is sitting around the kitchen, not sure what to do, letting the news sink in, numb, stunned, just waiting... well, from someone who has been in a similar situation you nailed the emtions, and the tension. It is very realistic. And I also liked how you decribed the disillusionment charm. Good job. Great work! More please...

“Harry’s tired eyes gradually fluttered open and blinked away the grogginess as gentle morning light filtered through the dusty windows.” This was a really good way to start, it really feels like I do in the morning in those first moments of coming back to the world. The dusty windows, the light filtering in, it just feels so, relaxed, it contrasts so much with your title that it really leaves one wondering how anything could go wrong.

“Whatever the Ministry was, they weren’t lacking in the area of prison security.” This was one sentence that I just didn’t get. I think you were trying to go for the fact that although they lacked in a lot of areas, they don’t slack off at Azkaban. But I think you could have reworded it to make it clearer. Maybe something along the lines of, “Of all the weaknesses the Ministry suffered from, prison security was not one of them.”

“Order members, a couple of which he hadn’t seen in months, crowded around the rickety table:” I do believe that because you are speaking of people you would say, “a couple of whom he hadn’t seen in months”

I like the idea that Snape’s patronus is a scorpion, I had never really thought about it before, but it seems to fit.

“Harry peered at each individual in turn, daring them to protest.” I like that you are keeping with the same thread of Harry as a mature, determined individual rather than Power!Harry or Angst!Harry. It is hard for some authors to pick up a thread and even harder for them to keep it going.

“as Moody’s bulging blue eye swiveled madly in its socket.” I think with this one phrase you captured the nature of his eye better than the movie did.

“If they were leaving for Azkaban, he would need his Firebolt.” Wow, what a great way to end the chapter!! And the little quote you have at the end, it really fits with your characterization of Harry throughout the entire story. You are doing a great job of staying on track. Keep up the good work! Can’t wait to read more from you.

I have loved your story, and even though I don’t review every chapter, I read them all and wait anxiously for an update. I really enjoy the intensity of your story, it carries me along and keeps me wanting more.

I did, however, notice two things that I think are worth mentioning.
“I’m fine,” Harry sighed exasperatedly, feeling like a broken record. I noticed you did this on several occasions, adding an adverb, in this case, exasperatedly, to you dialogue tag. In most cases it is better to show the reader how they said it by the action following the dialogue or the actual words said by the character, it avoids making the dialogue sound like a formula.

she realized how very close his face was… if she just leaned in… The second thing I noticed, especially towards the end of the chapter was your use of ellipses. I think, like in this case, you could eliminate one set of ellipses and make the sentence flow better by saying “she realized how very close his face was. If she just leaned in…” The ellipses accomplish a very specific goal, if you use them too much they lose their special-ness.

“It’s the perfect plan,” she whispered, disbelief and horror mingled in her voice. This sentence literally gave me chills up and down my spine for some reason. It just struck a chord and made me feel what she was feeling. That is what makes good writing so good. It’s the little things like that that make me keep coming back, chapter after chapter.

Keep up the good work!!

“Percy might even go to the dinner. So he, Hermione, Ginny, and Harry planned” It took me a minute to figure out that you were talking about Ron because you switched from Percy to Ron from one sentence to the next without making it clear who was the subject of the sentence.

“Now let’s skip the pleasantries and just get to the gifts, shall we?” This made me laugh. It is really so like Ron to say this. I can see his impish grin, his freckles and his rumpled hair and pajamas as he asks too. Wonderful characterization in just one little sentence.

The paragraph in which you describe what each person got was very touching, but the sentence structure was a little too much like a formula for me. There was not one comma in the whole paragraph. You could have used semi colons, commas and simple restructuring to vary the style of each sentence and achieve a much better flow. For example: “Everyone got lumpy scarves and hats that Hermione knitted. They matched the jumpers his mum had sent. as well as, “She was thrilled. It was hard for her to get new books out in the woods. In both occasions, the sentences could be combined. Ie. “Everyone got lumpy scarves and hats that Hermione had knitted to match the jumpers his mum had sent.” And, “She was thrilled because it was so hard to get new books out in the woods.” I am not suggesting you avoid all periods, but by removing a few and combining a few sentences you will gain a much more polished piece.

“The air about the house was still thick with sadness and longing.” You mention the sadness and the longing, but you don’t show it in your characters too much. What do they do that shows that sadness and longing? Was it something they said? Did someone mention or do something? They all seem pretty cheery to me, doling out presents and making Christmas dinner.

It was hard for him to understand, what he should do now that his life was finally his own.” This sentence really doesn’t need a comma and I would change understand to know or discover, realize or decide because I think it goes more to the point that understand.

“The wind felt luxuriously cold and cleansing.” I loved this sentence. Even though it is the first of July, I could feel the cold, almost hear the crunch of the snow and the creak of the tree branches. That sentence shows just how much is lurking under the surface in this little one-shot.

This was a tender little story about friends watching out for each other. It was cute. It was like my own little Christmas in July. I was also thinking that it may have been cute to add in a little humor. The two bits that I saw that seemed to just be begging for it were where Ron cuts the roast, I thought it would be funny if he uttered the wrong spell and Hermione had to save him. Another bit of humor might be in the girls making their first ever Christmas dinner on their own. I can just imagine (well, not much imagining as I did it for the first time this past year) all the mishaps that can happen when making Christmas dinner for the first time. I am glad I found your little piece. Keep writing!!


Author's Response: Thank you, Astrea, for the very detailed comment! I really do appreciate the time and effort that goes into such a review. I won\'t make excuses for myself, or for what I think is my own poor writing here, but I will say that I do agree with your comments about the style of this story and I hope that with some practice I\'ve improved. :)

“Draco Malfoy stood at the foot of his large canopy bed, staring unblinkingly at the naked, sleeping girl entangled between his white sheets.” You waste no time getting into justifying the R rating do you? Hee hee. Very interesting way to start. For some reason I liked the unblinkingly the best of all the sentence. He isn’t just staring at her, he no longer sees her lying there. He is beyond that. Well… at least that is the sense I got from it. It sets it up for what is going to happen later on.

“His chest rose and collapsed, rose and collapsed; far too heavy.” I like that you repeated the motion of his chest. Normally this would not be recommended. But in this case it really works and helps the reader to feel it and make it so much more real.

One little problem I have with the story is that he is living with his parents. He is barely out of Hogwarts, and they let him have Pansy over to sleep with him? I don’t call me old fashioned, but I think that their family is too concerned with appearances and tradition to allow such a thing. But it is a minor point in some ways. In other ways, it is how you make your setting work.

“And it was the closest demonstration to love he’d ever witnessed.” So are you saying his mother doesn’t love him? She made an Unbreakable Vow with Snape because she worries about him. Is that not a sign of love? I am not saying this is wrong, I just merely want an opinion, I would qualify it as love, but you may not.

“The word on his tongue felt like speaking a foreign language for the first time; awkward, flat.” Wow! I love this description. It really captures what you were trying to say. I understand the abstract concept better in that one sentence than if you had carried on for pages and pages trying to describe it. It would have eluded you.

“And the last of it stapled itself within his heart, so hesitant to be destroyed, so very hesitant… so resilient.” Wow. Once again, you wrapped something up in words that otherwise would have been impossible. You really strike a chord and hit the nail on the head.

“leaving his spirit frostbitten and scorched.” I don’t know, but it seems like they are complete opposites. But once again, it works.

“leaving his spirit frostbitten and scorched.” Maybe this is me just nit picking, but wouldn’t he call him his father, rather than Lucius? You have to remember you are telling the story from Draco’s POV, so you have to relate not only to his character, but how his character relates to other character’s within the story.

I like that you count down the time left. To me it pulled me away from Draco’s sentiments and put things back into perspective. I don’t know how to explain it, but it is almost as if just when you begin to learn something about him, you get pulled back out of his head in a way.

I like the way you had him yelling at Pansy. Somewhere deep inside of me, I almost hope that she did begin to question, that she did notice his despair, that maybe there is still hope for him once he is gone.

Small detail “And, feeling it’s weight in his hands, the aching burn in his chest loosened.” It should be its. Otherwise it would say feeling it is weight. That always gives me trouble too.

Throughout it all your underlying theme of the power of choice is very evident. I don’t agree with suicide, but you wrote it so achingly real, that when I read it, I wasn’t the one making the decision, it was Draco himself.

Well, overall, I liked it. I don’t agree with all of it. But you really made it work within your story. It is very powerful and most of all I liked those two phrases that I pointed out. Keep writing like that and you are really on to something. Happy Writing!

Hi! It’s me! Can’t get rid of me so easily!! I needed to do some reviews and your story just called to me saying “Please! Review me!” So here it is: (don’t get too excited though)

All he knew was that he had felt it when she was injured. Had known when she cried out even though he was miles away. I think that these two sentences should be joined by a semi-colon. I like the way you worded it and even though I am delusional I like the fact that he knew.

“Hermione!” he called out again. The desperation was thick in his voice as he clambered up the stairs. I don’t know why, but I liked this sentence, with the desperation thick in his voice. Ron has the emotional range of a teaspoon, but he does get betrayed by little things like this and the way you described was nice without being over the top.

With one last glance at the man who had tried to kill Hermione or worse he kicked the lifeless figure and turned back to Hermione. Something about the “or worse” makes this sentence sound awkward. I think if you rearranged it slightly it would make more sense. But I am at a loss of how to go about it. Sorry. I am sure you will find some way.

The Avada Kedavra curse, they were not playing either. I think this sentence would sound better if you took out the comma and added a dash. That would make it more abrupt and I think fit the tone of the sentence better.

The words she had drilled into his head making him smile a little as he said them out loud. "Destination . . . determination . . . deliberation." I just loved this ending. It tied it to canon and was sweet and left enough to the imagination but still gave a hint of something later… well, I can’t explain how you rolled all that into one little piece but it worked wonderfully.

Overall, I think you balanced a lot of action with just enough fluff to make it readable yet it flowed well, it wasn’t awkward to go from one thing to the next. Although the action definitely was worthy of the rating you gave it, I don’t think it was too, too over the top (well, maybe the Accio Spine spell was a little over the top, but the action kept me rolling along.)

In closing, I must say, I have really enjoyed seeing your writing progress and develop since I first started reading your work. It has definitely improved immensely! Keep up the great work!

Wow… I never thought that this was what this story was about. It’s so cute Mask! For some reason I never imagined Harry and Luna’s children. And this little plot is definitely different; I don’t think I’ve really ever read anything like it before.

I can just picture something like this happening but maybe with Ginny and Harry being interrogated by the Weasley men. Lol.

I don’t know if I am being nit pickety because I honestly enjoyed the little story. But, Jon’s character seems too… easy. Something from Harry, something from Luna and poof = kid.

I do like what you mentioned at the beginning of the serious undertones. I could see them. How people and society expect people to be a certain way. Sometimes people feel they have to be that way merely because that is how they are viewed. The little house, the quiet life, people prying in, I can only imagine that things would be worse after the war. That people would pile even more expectations on Harry and his family. It’s sad really, but I like how you presented it here in a different way than the usual Harry runs from it all view (which I don’t think he will).

Overall, a nice little story with some big themes in a little fluffy but not fluffy story.