Yay lunar! Your best chapter, in my opinion. Poor Ron... that was so sad! And Malfoy is improving. Anyway, submit that new chapter soon (it's currently called 'Forgiveness' for the benefit of those poor readers who aren't the sister of the wonderful author!).

Author's Response: Thanks mooncalf I was really worried about the Ron bit incase it was OTT. I'm submitting the next chapter in a few days I just hope you like it as much as the others.

It looks like you're also overdosing on exclamation marks! Ar aon nós, caithfidh mé an idirlíne a chuardach le hagahidh nótaí don Teastas Sóisearach amárach. So that this review isn't complete spam, I'll just say that I'm sorry for poor broken-nose Draco, and I hope he doesn't choke in his own blood (ugh) before someone finds him. And Ron has ISSUES.

Author's Response: I don\'t have that many exclamation marks! Yeah and I\'m hoping Draco doesn\'t choke on his own blood cause that would be sick! And yes Ron hjas issues but he can\'t go around punching people just because he\'s mad!

Lunar, just because you're fed up with this story right now doesn't mean you can terrify your poor readers like that! And I personally feel sorry for Ron, you're putting him through such torture! And for anyone who is impatient for him to wake up, believe me you will not be happy when he does!

I've just realised I've ended every sentence with an exclamation mark! Left-over hyperness from the Junior Cert!!!

Author's Response: I\'m not fed up my story! I love it! And I\'m sorry I didn\'t mean to scare anyone if I did! Right now, I\'m having great fun desciding how to infuriate my characters even more so when this happens my readers probably won\'t like it!

I really enjoyed that. You really showed how difficult it would be for squibs, especially, as in this case, in a pureblood family. I had never thought about how hard it would be for them to live in the muggle world. You also clearly illustrated how all the prejudice in the family about being pureblood was tearing the family apart. Overall, it was very interesting and the characters were believable. I'll have to check ot 'His Verity' soon!

Author's Response: Thank you very much for the lovely review! I'm glad you enjoyed it.

Argh. It is scary how much our stories have in common and this is the first time I've read yours! Even down to the numbers - in Serpent, Malfoy is M752.

Anyway, back to your fic. I really enjoyed this and would be interested in reading more if you decide to continue it. The first paragraph drew me in straight away. The repetition of 'lost everything' and the calculated days emphasise how long he has been in there and how much he regrets it.

The short sentences at the beginning of the flashback to a great job of conveying his shock, as he is incapable of anything else. Your description in the next paragraph is wondeful, and creates a very strong image of the wreckage of Malfoy Manor. The only tiny change I can suggest is changing the adjective 'busted'. It's very informal and a bit American, it doesn't really fit in with the sombre mood you have built up. I love the use of different time spans to once again emphasise how long he feels he has been in prison.

Your introduction to Snape was good, and showed Draco's perception of his character.

I think you did a wonderful job capturing Draco's anguish at his loss in this chapter. But why was Narcissa killed while Lucius escaped apparantly unscathed? And if Lucius did kill her, as Draco seems to think, why did he? He is depicted in your story as being indifferent to his family, but I think you maight need to be a bit more in-depth on his character.

Tiny nitpicks: it should be 'a smoke-covered foot', with a hyphen, and you forgot to capitlaise or anti-italic (does that make sense?) 'him' in the line '..caused him to decide to punish me even further than what my own heart was causing me.' 'Meager', a few paragraphs below, is actually spelt 'meagre' in the UK. These are only tiny mistakes though.

Snape is a little out of character. He's just that bit too compassionate and caring. He is rarely seen in canon to display emotion, but you have him show pity clearly and even his words by Narcissa's grave are a bit too much for his character.

Draco's burial of his mother is very touching, and I love the line 'I could feel my throat close up from the effort of restraining tears', as I know the feeling.

The interview with Voldemort and Lucius was good, but why was Voldemort relaxed? It seemed a bit out of place for me at the time. Also, I would add in a bit more description rather than simply 'Then I blacked out.', as it is an important event in the story.

The next part is very well written. I love the lines 'I do not live, for I am not alive. I do not die, for I am not dead. I simply am.. The repetition of his number is great too, it drives home how inhumanly he is being treated. Draco's excitement over the change of food evokes a lot of pity for him.

Ron is a bit too friendly with Draco. I understand that he's desperate for company, but Ron holds grudges and I can 't see him letting them go that easily. Oh, and 'barfs' is another Americanism; 'vomits' might be better. Still, his urgent need for comapny after months of loneliness comes through strongly at his repeated efforts to engage Draco in conversation.

The next part is a little confusing, and I think you should continue this fic if only to explain it. How did they get into the prison? Are they actually Death Eatersand if so, why, or are they disguised? In that case, how did they get in undetected, and as Voldemort has apparebtly won why aren't Harry and co. dead?

I found Draco's admission of love for Hermione a bit out of character (I know, and myself a Dramione shipper and all!). The 'I have always loved you'ploy for getting them together is cliched and unworthy of your writing skills. Other than that, I wouldn't have him call Ginny the 'Weaselette'; it seems to flippant for his depressed state of mind.

The ending was very good. For him, it is completion as he now knows his name. Overall, I thought this was a great fic, well written and with a potentially good plot. I look forward to potential future instalments with hopeful pleasure.

Author's Response: Thanks for the awesome review. I will consider some of your suggestions, and work on my Americanism and Dramoineness. *sighs inwardly* thanks anyway.

Hi comewhatmay, don't sound so desperate! I read your poem, and quite enjoyed it. I'm no poetry expert, and wouldn't have found this if I hadn't seen that you added my new story to your favourites (thank you very much for thatby the way). The rhythm is quite strange in this poem; there seems to be no particular rule governing it, such as syllables or rhyming. I liked the topic, and I think you got the mentality of a Death Eater very well. I especially liked the lines 'The ways of the one
is dark, cruel, and
mysterious. The ways of the
other side are unknown to me.' However, your syntax sometimes confused me. Some examples of this are 'As time passes, as we
all do'- do you mean in essence so do we all, or have I missed something?; 'The materials
that lie in between us no
longer heed to our attention'- I don't really understand what you mean by 'heed to our attention'. The only grammatical correction I can suggest is changing 'ech others destinies' to 'each other's destiny'. Also the repetition of all in the third last and last sounds a little strange. Overall, it was an intersting poem, even for a non-poetry reader like me, and I hope this review is helpful to you.

Author's Response: umm... thank you so much. I really appreciate the feedback and the advice. I know that this poem is not the best but thank you so much!!! oh If you interested i have other poems as well!! your welcome your story was very detailed!!

Wow. In an attempt to resurrect the Ravenclaw Review Tag thread, I have inadvertently stumbled across one of the best fanfics I have read in a long time. I had really never thought about this 'what if...' before, and it is intriguing. Your characterisation is excellent; I particularily like how you have done the trio. Harry is a difficult charcter to get right, but you've done a superb job. The only mild criticism I have to make is that Ginny seemed a little overly dramatic, throwing herself into Harry's arms. Given that her brother has just been severely injured, it seems unlikely that she would be so vivacious at this time. Overall, it's a wonderful story, and I'll certainly be checking back for future updates!

Author's Response: Hi Mooncalf! Thanks so much for reading this story, I\'m thrilled! And I am glad you enjoyed it. Thank you so much for the great review! I really appreciate your wonderful comments! I\'ll be sure to keep an eye on Ginny. :) It\'s funny how one person can picture a character acting a certain way and another person can\'t. I didn\'t think Ginny jumping up to greet Harry was out of character, but I could see why someone else might think it was a little dramatic for her. Like I said, I\'ll keep an eye on her, and I\'ll be interested to see what you think of her later on. ;) Thanks again for reading this and leaving such a great note! See you around Ravenclaw! ~Gina :)

Reviwing again to correct a typo; I meant she grows into a bitter woman, not a better one! Sorry about that.

Aww. I have to say that this is the cutest fanfic starring Draco that I have ever read. He is utterly adorable and so innocent. I like, however, how you managed to avoid making him a total angel by adding the childish ‘vices’ such as greed (what child doesn’t like sweets?). His complete trust in his mother and implicit belief in her words was a little frightening once we saw how she used it, though. Indoctrination at such a young age isn’t something I’d thought of before, but I suppose that with families as ‘pure’ as the Malfoy's it would be ongoing from birth.

The sweet tones of Narcissa as she tells her child such awful things that will instil long-lasting prejudice in him is simply chilling. It is so hard to reconcile her obvious affection towards Draco and the poisonous ideas she is filling his mind with. Yet this emphasises just how wrong these beliefs are. It is heart-breakingly sad to see little Draco accepting it all without a moment’s doubt.

The description in the first paragraph sets the scene wonderfully for a night’s trick-or-treating. However, is it likely that the Malfoy’s would live in an area inhabited by Muggle-borns? I always imagined, considering it’s Malfoy Manor, that they would have a sort of country estate. Also, wouldn’t Muggle-borns be more inclined to live in Muggle areas, as that is where they grew up?

One common Americanism found in your fic is ‘candy’. Candy is not a term usually used in the UK. ‘Sweets’ is what they’re usually referred to as.

In the line ‘ Draco’s eyes were wide, resembling silver sickles’, do you mean Sickles, the wizarding coin? It’s a lovely simile, but don’t forget to capitalise Sickle.

The ending is just too sad. At such a small age he is already acting upon what he has been taught. The contrast between his cruel words and ‘sweet, childish voice’ is very effective. I think, however, that it is in the last line that the true power lies. His mummy would be proud of him. He is so eager to please, so sweet, and he just doesn’t realise the harm he is already causing.

Overall, this is a very touching, very sweet fic. Your characterisation and depiction of a very young Draco is excellent, as is the conveyance of the horror of pure-blooded beliefs. Congratulations on a fantastic job!

~The Order of the Ravenclaw House-Elves~


Author's Response: Wow, this is the best and most detailed review I\'ve ever gotten! Hmm... you know, I didn\'t even think about the neighborhood, since for some reason, I always imagine my own neighborhood/house/school when I write stories. (Yep. Hogwarts is my high school in my mind... and it\'s definitely NOT a castle.) Thanks for your thorough critique!

Wow, lunar. That’s all I can say. This has to be your most emotionally evocative piece of writing to date. It’s something that anyone who has experienced the loss of a family can identify with.

I do, however, think that Molly’s POV was a little rushed. It’s a good idea to start with her, as the mother, but in my opinion you need to elaborate a little on her feelings, before you start going in to how quiet the house was. I still think it’s very touching, though.She had never told George how much she loved him, how proud he made her. This line is so sad, and so true for any mother who loses a child.

Of all the various perspectives, Mr. Weasley’s would be my least favourite. He appears to me to be a little OOC. I can see him being ‘blank’, if you like, but the cold anger doesn’t seem to sit right with his character. On the other hand, I love how you characterised the Minister in this scene. He’s acting so concerned, but in reality he doesn’t even care enough to know George’s name.

I love how you wrote Percy’s part. The sentences are mostly incomplete or run-on; He hadn’t gotten a chance to explain, to apologise— not to George anyway. This really gets across his indecision. However, I think him quitting his job is a little drastic. Percy is very much career motivated – maybe he could be planning to quit, or planning to help in St. Mungo’s? It just seems a little OOC for him to suddenly have such a change of heart, even if his brother did die. One nitpick: you called him ‘Pecy’ once.

Hermione’s part is quite touching – I’ve a feeling we’ve a closet George/Hermione shipper here! She purposefully tried to remember everything about George, but his face was fading already. Again, I found this so real. That’s exactly what I did when a loved one died, and of course memories fade terribly quickly.

I find Ron’s wish a little strange – to forgive George. Of course, the twins tormented him a lot, and Ron has always struck me as being rather self-centred, but I think that on the day of his brother’s funeral he might be more inclined to think positive, benevolent thoughts. Constantly going over the times when his brother annoyed him seems a little harsh, when they must have had so many good times as well. He found he wanted to be angry, wanted something to fill that space that George had left, that vulnerable spot where he was most likely to be hit. This does explain it a little, and I can see where you’re coming from with it – he wants to distract himself from the sadness and pain.

Your description of everyone’s various reactions at the funeral was wonderful. It really emphasised the individuality of the characters, that each of them expressed their grief differently. Molly sobbed quietly in her seat beside her husband, who had his arm around her, his own face scrunched up as though he found the weak winters light blinding. I love this. I can really see the two of them sitting together. One small nitpick: it should be winter’s, with an apostrophe.

Lee’s speech was incredibly touching. I love how you kept it so informal and unstilted – exactly how George would have wanted it. He really seemed to sum up what George was like, without the speech getting dull or repetitive like they have a habit of doing. However, why did he use a microphone? I really can’t see wizards being able to set this up, especially when the Sonorus spell does just as well.

Leaving Fred until last works beautifully, especially as you add a twist to the ‘just one more minute’ theme. There are such undertones of Fred/Hermione in this (The way she looked at him told him Mrs Weasley wasn’t the only one concerned.), but I’ll leave you to your twin-shipping obsession.

”... just one more minute … no, that wouldn’t be enough time to say all the things I want to tell you.” This is the perfect way to end this fic. It is so true; you always want just a little more time with the dead person, but when it comes down to it, it’s never enough. I love how you added this little twist to the theme, as I said before; it adds an extra dimension that simply repeating the formula couldn’t attain.

Overall, this is a beautiful and touching piece. I would recommend going through it and trying to split some of the larger paragraphs up a little, as the large blocks of text can be a little difficult to read, but that’s not a big thing. Oh, and you spelled beta as beat. ;-). Just to let you know. Anyway, congratulations on this fabulous piece of writing, and I hope to read more from you soon!


Author's Response: Wow mooncalf, how long did it take you to write that? And to nitpick throuh my story?! Just kidding; I really appreciate all your comments. I know what you mean about Mrs Weasley\'s part being a bit rushed; I think I\'ll go through it to see what I elaborate. I\'\'ll go through Mr Weasley\'s bit too. And Hermione is just a friend she\'s allowed to feel upset isn\'t she? ; ) Anyway, thanks very much for pointing out all my mistakes, I hope I can return the favour some day. ; ) Just joking. Thanks a million; I\'ll go through the story again. ~lunar~