Since I was in about second grade, I have been an obsessive reader and writer. I have spent many hours reading books late into the night because I just couldn't put them down, and the same can be said about my writing. However, I haven't been able to spend as much time reading or writing stuff for myself lately because I've had to spend more time reading and writing the stuff required in my courses for my Master's degree in English Literature. But, I'm still able to make a little time each day to relax and take a break from studying to enjoy reading something different.
It is ambitious Lily Evans' 7th and final year at Hogwarts. She is very excited about being one step closer to becoming an Auror and thrilled about being back to school altogether.
But there is one little annoyance: the Marauders. Specificially arrogant James Potter. He has been pestering her to go out with him, but she has coldly denied his wishes. She thinks this year will be no different to the past six school years.
But life is full of mistakes.
..::~!~::.."Just one minute.” Lily noticed footsteps heading in her direction. She saw a hand reach from between the screens and drop a flower onto her bedside table.
“Mr. Potter! Return to your dormitory immediately!”
“Alright, alright…” The hand disappeared.
Once Lily was sure that no one was in the wing, he lifted her head and saw what flower Potter had dropped.
Lily stuffed her head in her pillow and screamed a muffled scream that no one could hear.
Once again, you have written a very captivating chapter. I wonder why Lily was awake so late so that she could hear James talking to Remus down in the common room. Poor girl, she should have known that the Marauders would figure out a way to get around her trying to keep them from going out. I'm very anxious to find out what is going to happen to her with all those Slytherins lurking about, it's a little bit of a cliffhanger in the middle of the chapter. It is possible that Sirius may turn around and figure out a way to help her while still getting out to have fun with the other Marauders?!? One of the things I really like about this chapter is that you finally bring back the Slytherins who were wandering around that you mentioned earlier in your story. I wonder if we might find out what they're up to soon.
Well, this chapter went very quickly. All of the action made for a very quick read because I felt compelled to find out what would happen to Lily as quickly as possible. I like the fact that you don't simply let her get away, even with the help of Sirius in his animagus form. The whole part where Malfoy threatens Lily's family is written very well. I really get a feel for his nastiness as well as for Lily's struggle to decide what the right thing to do is. I was a little disappointed that you didn't write about what happened to Sirius? Does he just stay there and watch Lily or does he take off and catch up to the rest of the Marauders? Also, what will he do with the knowledge about the Slytherin Death Eaters??? Maybe I'll get some answers in the coming chapters.
Yet another really good chapter. I'm a little disappointed that we didn't find out what Sirius did after the Slytherins left Lily, or what the Slytherins might have done to him, but I did really like this chapter. There is one place though that you might want to look at revising. It's this sentence close to about 1/3 of the way into the chapter: "James snapped out of her reverie and took his chin off his arm." The "her" should probably be "his." I just thought I should let you know. Great way to end the chapter on a cliffhanger about what James did to Professor Madres.
Wow, Lily's abnormal behavior really comes out in this chapter. Having her snap at her friends because they are concerned about her lack of appetite shows how her run-in with the Slytherin Death Eaters has really affected her. I think it is great the way she saves James from Professor Madres, even though it gives away the fact that she probably knows, in general, who caused the cave in. However, right around that part of the story, there were a couple of things that bothered me. 1. In Lily's statement "Students are innocent are proven guilty..." the second "are" should be "until." 2. In the sentence, "She felt had felt it for seven years now...", the first "felt" should probably not be there. 3. You should really watch your verb tenses because in the line "...returning to staring ... and pretending to be interesting in how to make a potion...", "returning" should probably be "returned" and "pretending" should probably be "pretended." Okay, I think that's enough nitpicking again. I hope that's not too bad because I really enjoy reading your writing. Anyway, I wonder if Professor Madres is about to reappear in the classromm where James is holding his want to Snape's head. I'll keep reading to find out!
Your writing in this chapter is fantastic. The conversation between the Marauders definitely gives us, the readers, a feel for your interpretation of them. I like the way Sirius eggs James on while Remus tries to talk some sense into him, their personalities really reflect the bit established by JK. Good job!
Another fabulously well written chapter. I really enjoyed the part where Lily breaks the rules and uses a spell on Hexington. Absolutely brilliant! My question is, what is the reason Lily keeps going back and forth with liking and not liking James? I don't really understand. One chapter she goes from not really liking him to liking him and the next she's back to not liking him. There doesn't seem to be much motivation or explanation to her mood swings. Other than that, though, I really enjoyed reading this chapter. I can't wait to see where Lily is in the next chapter.
Ah, a cliffhanger, and what a cliffhanger it is!!! I was totally enchanted with the whole Hogsmeade experience. The way James retaliated against those third years was great, especially as it allowed him to grab ahold of Lily and pull her out of the store and to the bookstore with him. I was slightly confused by his reaction to Sirius' actions and the look you describe him getting when he's looking back at Sirius from outside the bookstore. Maybe a little bit more of an explanation of exactly why he felt that way, in addition to the little bit given when he's talking to the tree, would help me, or any other reader, understand exactly why he reacted so strongly to seeing Sirius with Amy. Also, I didn't quite understand what Sirius was planning to do in the bookstore when he grabbed Lily and Maya from behind. Is that something you are going to elaborate on in later chapters?? Anyway, I really enjoyed this chapter and am very anxious for the next one to post so I can find out what happened to James and what Peter had to do with it.
Once again, it is the dazzling dialogue of the characters that pushes your story along. The interchange between Lily and Amos where she sees the Marauders in their compartment, especially James, really shows her wavering feelings towards James with her hesitation to accept Amos' offer to go to Hogsmeade. However, there were still a couple of spelling mistakes and left out words that had me stumbling with the reading in a couple of spots. For example, in your first paragraph of just prose, you write "It was then, the Lily...." It should probably read "It was then that Lily..." with "that" instead of "the" and no comma. The other spot that sticks out in my memory is the part where James walks past Lily and Amos and you write "...when someone brushed, roughly, them aside...." The structure here is a little hard to follow. It should probably read either: 1. "...when someone roughly brushed them aside..."; or 2. "...when someone brushed them aside roughly...." Anyway, with my little bit of nitpicking aside, your writing is generally ver good and engaging. Even with the small problems I had reading certain spots in this chapter I really, really like the story being painted by the words. I can't wait to read the next chapter.
Okay, I really like this chapter. I like the way you turn around the whole life saving and left James save Lily since she has already saved him. Also, I like the way you used Maya's prediction from the second chapter. It is a little curious to me that Sirius, Remus, and Peter don't seemed to have noticed that anything strange happened on the train, especially since you had it stopping and the lights going out. Oh well, maybe they were just too engrossed in coming up with their next prank. I can't wait to get to the next chapter and find out why the dementors were on the train and how Dumbledore reacts to their presence.
Wow, what a fantastic potions class! This was definitely an action packed chapter, which made it so fun to read! I feel bad for poor James. He just keeps getting beat up in various different forms. I wonder what will happen to either Snape or Malfoy now that Dumbledore is involved. Or, maybe Dumbledore will have a talk with Madres about maintaining control in his own classroom. The only thing that really bothered me about this chapter is that Madres probably could have put that fire out with a little bit of magic instead of everyone panicking. Did Madres forget how to use magic because he was slightly flustered by the whole commotion? Also, where did Madres go when he left the classroom? Why didn't he make sure all of the students got out like any responsible teacher would have? I hope Dumbledore has a talk with Professor Madres about it. I will just have to read on to find out. Keep on with the story!
I like all the drama in this chapter. The way you have Dumbledore drawing out the announcement of what happened on the train is fantastic. I also like the whispered conversations going on that James hears little bits of while trying to pay attention to Dumbledore. But, my favorite part of this whole chapter was Sirius with his not-so-subtle hinting at the dementor being sent by Voldemort. I can't wait to find out if he is right, and what purpose was behind Voldemort sending the dementor.
Well, this is an interesting chapter of your story. The idea that Lily had a boyfriend she broke up with because he was jealous of her emerging friendship with James seems to fit pretty well into what we know about them. I really liked the fact that you portrayed Lily as such a strong person at the beginning, especially when she broke up with Ryan. However, I was slightly disappointed with how weak she seemed in her encounter with Snape just after that. As for your version of Dumbledore, I was a little shocked when he contradicted Snape's story in front of the other students. I can definitely see him doing that, just not when others are present. The biggest problem I had with this chapter, though, was the many punctuation errors that detract from the flow of the story. I think your story could be much better if you were to work a little harder on your punctuation and keeping the characters in character throughout the story. All in all, though, this chapter had some very interesting ideas that I think could make for a great story.
I really enjoyed reading this chapter. Your story seems to be moving along quite nicely, especially the developing relationship between James and Lily. My favorite part of this chapter has to be Lily's dream. I love the way you use her dream to tie your story to the whole series through the night she dies. I love the way James is so protective of her when she leaves the common room as that is also a bit of foreshadowing about what their future holds for them. Of course, with all the dark subject matter you cover, I really enjoyed the humor you put into this chapter. I was really entertained by the way James talked about Lily 'dreaming' about him only for her to correct him and say that she was having a nightmare. That was really great. Although there were still a lot of punctuation issues in this chapter, I think they were fewer than previous chapters and they didn't really impact the flow of the story as much. This story is progressing nicely and I think it could end up very well.
Wow, I really enjoyed your story. You have done a great job of focusing on Amos Diggory and what he would have been going through after losing his son. This story was very touching with the way you highlight how close Amos and Cedric were while Cedric was alive. One of my favorite things about your story is the way you seem to weave certain details from Order of the Phoenix into the story so seamlessly. By including those tiny little details, you do a marvelous job of keeping this story grounded in the books themselves.
As much as I completely enjoyed reading through your story, I was also slightly confused about a few things. It never really made sense to me that Amos would've taken either letter about the prophecy in to work with him. I mean, I can perhaps understand the first letter a little because he might've taken it in on the off chance he decided to go down to hear the prophecy as a spur of the moment type thing, but that doesn't seem too likely as he was pretty vehement about not hearing it since Cedric didn't want to hear it. However, I can find no justification at all for him taking the second letter to work. One other thing that really confused me was what exactly happened with the Obliviate charm? I couldn't tell who cast it or who was hit by it. I have thought it over a few times and have come up with arguments for both sides of it: Amos hitting MacNair and MacNair hitting Amos. Either way it would fit in the story, but I wish it had been a little clearer about which it was.
Aside from my confusion, I really adored this story. Your Prologue is really fantastic and it had me roped in from the beginning. The idea of a prophecy about Cedric is very intriguing, especially when that prophecy is delivered to Sirius Black. However, the fact that the main thread through the whole thing was the bond between Amos and Cedric is really great and my absolute favorite part of the story. Their mutual love and respect is so clearly evident in your story, especially when you talk about how Amos only learned to do the Patronus Charm because Cedric talked about how useful it could be to him. You make the pang of Cedric's loss very clear, and I can't help but feel sorry for Amos. Very well done.
Wow. I'm not quite sure what exactly to say about this story. You have done a wonderful job with both Professor Dumbledore and Argus Filch. The way you have portrayed them is so true to both their characters, and I feel a little sorry for both of them in the situations they are in. Dumbledore's guilt about the mistakes he has made really comes through in your story, especially concerning the ones he made in regards to Harry. It is always so hard to see someone who knows so much admit to making mistakes. On the other hand, the only reason I feel bad for Filch is that he has had to endure life in the magical world without the aid of magic, and you do an absolutely lovely job highlighting exactly how hard it has been for him. However, my favorite thing about this whole story is probably the way you are able to weave a little humor into such a grave situation. That simple touch of humor makes the gravity that much more intense. Simple wonderful.
This chapter is absolutly hilarious. I love the fact that Henry has to run from the dementors only to be pulled onto the Knight Bus by Stan. My favorite parts, though, all came after he made it to King's Cross. Having him run into the barrier at the wrong platform was brilliant. I love the explanation he comes up with when everyone around him just stares at him - making a movie - that's just genius. Of course, you do a great job of tying this story in with the books through your mention of Dobby sealing the barrier against Henry prior to the events of this chapter. We know that he did that for Harry to protect him, so it just logically follows that he would do it for Henry as well.
Even with all the hilarity going on in this chapter, I did noticed one spot that was a little confusing. I think you meant 'Henry' instead of 'Harry' in the sentence: Before Harry could get in and request his destination, he was pulled inside and the Knight Bus took off.
Aside from that one spot, and a few minor punctuation errors I noticed, this chapter was really great. You do a wonderful job of keeping the humor rolling throughout the chapter. And, even though Henry beginning his journey to Hogwarts is a good place to end a story, I am glad you decided to extend it and give us readers some more chapters about the craziness that Henry has now been enveloped in.
I really like this chapter, even though it is short. It is interesting the way that James and Lily appear to be the secondary characters in this chapter while Remus, Sirius, Alexis, and Joanne take center stage. My favorite part is the way the Marauders get out of the common room and how they end up saving Joanne. The one thing that was unclear is how and when Joanne gets out onto the grounds to hide behind the bush. In the first scene in the common room, she realizes something and "runs up the stairs" but we're never told that she comes back down. Also, if she does come back down, how does she get out of the common room without Lily and Alexis asking her where she's going since they are there to ask the Marauders? Good chapter nonetheless and I look forward to the next one.
Author's Response: Thanks so much, I love writing about the secondary characters. though they are the secondary characters, their stories are sometimes a bit more fun and interesting to write. your question about joanne will be answered in the next chapter, which i have just submitted.
I really like this beginning for a story. You really showed the ambiguity that is plaguing Lily in regards to James. The one thing I didn't really understand is why Lily 'screamed' her rejection at him in the beginning. That seems a little harsh. I can't really picture her screaming at him, maybe only yelling in exasperaction or something. Anyway, the rest of the chapter is quite good and I like the way it ends with her acting more civil towards him. It definitely opens the door for a romance to blossom. Good job.
Author's Response: thanks so much! the reason lily screamed at him is she was SO frustrated that he asked her out again. i think you'd get frustrated too if the same guy asked you out a million times! yes romance is just beginning 2 blossom. next chp submitted!
Another good chapter. The little bit with the girls still on the train definitely adds a lot with the tension between them and the guys. I like the fact that you have the guys planning some kind of michievous adventure. Could R.A.G. stand for ravenclaw and gryffindor, or maybe red and gold? Either one might be interesting. Hopefully I will find out in the next chapter.
Author's Response: ooooo you're good! once i had someone say ridicule all girls! i'm glad you like my OC's. they r my first and i hope to have more in this story.
Your story is progressing nicely. This chapter is great in showing the way the Marauders accept their punishment knowing that their prank was worth it. I think the girls reactions are great, especially Lily. You have presented her as a very strong, intelligent character who always follows the rules. I can't wait to see how you have James charm her over to seeing that having fun is sometimes worth the trouble the person is in afterwards. Keep writing!
Author's Response: thanks so much! i love reading your reviews. they have the perfect balance of flattery and suggestions. yes, lily is starting to feel a bit uncertain of herself right about now. you're an extremely avid reader. chapter 5 is submitted!