I enjoyed your use of language, and the way the story flowed. You brought the characters from one scene to another with ease. I would suggest going through and proof-reading it. I found several grammatical and spelling mistakes. For example: mysterious isn't misterious, and so on. Overall, good job! Thank you for the read!
Your style reminds me of oral tradition with it's repitition. As if we should be sitting round a fire huddled in our woollens with you whispering your poetry to us.
This was pretty funny, I loved the part with Bellatrix. I don't really have many critiques for you, except maybe that you could keep your story in either quote or screenplay format. Thanks for the laugh!
Um. Where to start? First, some of your descriptives were nice. I like descriptives. Second, I like drunken stories, generally. But it did quite bother me how Ginny was acting. It was rather AU. I think even drunk she would have tried to slug Draco rather than sleep with him. And why was she so needy? Is there a plot behind that? Also, you spelled Guinness wrong. (Guiness). And was Draco drunk? I should have liked to see a drunk Draco. That would be an interesting plot.
This story has great dynamics and characterisations. Your main talent appears to lie in dialogue, namely witty repartee. I like witty repartee, which is the main reason I read non-canon compliant shippings, when I choose to! I have two hopefully constructive criticisms. The first is grammatical. You don't need an apostrophe in the word "Honeydukes" most times, unless it is referring to ownership. Based on the way you do use apostrophes I am guessing you aren't Brit, in which case I am quite impressed with your Brit-talk! Or I might be entirely wrong. Either way, again, excellent dialogue. The second criticism was your use of "erm" in letters between the two founders, Godric and Salazar. I would assume, based on what I know of the two, that they would be very professional in their letters, using period language, etc. Overall, I was thoroughly engaged by the dynamics you created. Good job!
Your story had an interesting plot, and I am interested in the developments of it. Some words of caution: You missed capitalization on several occasions. That is definitely something that readers notice. Also, the cuts between scenes were a bit distracting. You also might want to work on character development, they seem to be driven by desire, the crux of your story. I would recommend that you create conflicting desire. You created a conflict, and yet didn't let Harry suffer through the conflict, which is a great deal of the plot-juice. Overall, this is a great idea, and best of luck in all your future endeavors.
Didst thou got the git well?
***falls over laughing***
You. Are. My. Hero.
Author's Response: ^_^ Always glad to here I'm making people laugh :) - I've probably placed myself on William Shakespeare's hitlist on people to haunt given the way I've massacred his masterpieces *lol*
Again, a great installment. I was snorting through my nose throughout the entire story. I really, truly have no constructive criticism on this piece. It stands on it's own as a truly wonderful Nutty, Impish parody! Congratulations for cornering the market on Shakespearian Harry Potter!
Author's Response: *lol* Thanks. Really great to know that there are plenty of people who enjoys butchery the way I do. *lol*
I kind of jumped in in the middle of your story so I hope I can give you an adequate review. First off, your style has flair, and I enjoyed it. There is a certain playfulness and light heartedness about it that caught my attention. One thing I felt would improve this story was a bit more subtlety...it was very obvious where it was heading, and the characters seemed to be projecting emotion instead of feeling emotion. I would recommend that you concentrate on describing small details as opposed to having the characters so obviously show their emotion. For instance, Ginny "shrieks" here, and I don't feel that she would show her emotions by shrieking. I think she would show her emotions by shouting insults, hexing, succinct imitations, etc. I hope that helped, and again, it was enjoyable and I am not a Draco/Hermione fan.
I hope you don't mind me popping in. I watch SPEW and saw a link connecting to this story and had to see. This is a strong piece, a piece that touched me and really made me feel as if I were there. As a female in my early 20's the teenage culture is extremely fresh in my mind. You described it well. On top of all those hormones and changes you get horrible things that are happening and a sister's response to a struggling sister. Very realistic.
Now, with my beta hat on, I would recommend you describe the smells. You tell about the mother's reaction, but you don't really show it. I think this already strong piece would be stronger if you described the smell of the curry. What kind of curry? What are the spices used? Cardamon, cinammon, turmeric, paprika, saffron? And since I'm such an Indio-phile, which part of India do you have them from in your story? Cull up that culture and describe the senses. India is such a sensory place, and the culture is just begging to be plumbed in a fan-fiction. But mostly I would recommend that you don't tell, you show. Even if it's not culturally based showing, just the sensory details of every day life.
I'm getting a bit disorganized here, but I think the best example is here when you say: She wants to plead with her sister, plead with her and beg her to eat. But she does not. Their mother did that. It did nothing. Instead of “Their mother did that,” you could say “Their mother did that, her hands fluttering, her eyes wet and wide, her Hindi a steadily swelling panic. Or even pause the “For Padma’s Sake” script (and I don’t mean script in a bad way, you use it well) and actually move to the scene of the crime if you will.
Another thing, and I think a couple reviewers touched on this: As Chekhov's rule goes, if there is a gun on stage, make sure it goes off. We get a feeling of bitterness, but it isn't plumbed. I feel you should describe what Parvati is missing out on, what she is giving up for her sister. Make it a bubbling contrast between love and bitterness. I hope I make sense here, and I hope that is helpful!
Once again, a fully wonderful story that I thoroughly enjoyed. Thank you for the great read!
Author's Response: I think I understand what you mean about the bitterness, and when I get the time I may go and play with some of your suggestions. I am, alas, a student, and time for writing is sadly scarce. Not to mention that I have a couple of unpublished oneshots, the beginning of a novel length fic, and roaming plot bunnies languising on my computer... I don't know when I'll get to really messing with this again. But I really do appreciate your suggestions, and they've given me something to think about.
I like your ideas about sensory imagery, but I'm not sure if adding more of that in wouldn't make my point less rather than more clear. Both the language and the imagery in this story are purposely barren. The intent is to reflect the emptiness Padma feels inside and the emptiness Parvati feels in her relationship with her sister, and to do that I held back on the descriptions. Whether or not that came across/worked for you is certainly up for debate, but it was premeditated.
Though it might be interesting to highlight food related imagery (smells included) while keeping other description at a minimum.And when Sirius sent him a letter, emblazoned jauntily across the top with 'The Most Modern and Ignoble House of Sirius Black, Toujours Poor', he threw back his head and laughed wildly, like Sirius would have done. I loved your work here, it is so succinct. Your strength is definitely description. A poetic description. Your excellent use of metaphor. I can see through this story...the first I've read that concentrated more on plot, that your plots are very, very character driven. You have backstory (excellent!) and you lead your character to the ending. One thing I felt in reading this fic is your tendency to rush to the climax. It's a one-shot, and rushing is rather important. Plus, it makes the whole thing more interesting. I know that for me at least it's so difficult to not say what the plot is all about right at once. And since I usually have quite a bit of information on my stories it's difficult to stuff everything in. All your stories are very sensory and very psychological. I would recommend for your own improvement to try and work with a long plot, as well, guide a character so that it's not just an idea that is put out, but an entire person/s. I hope I'm making sense here. Or maybe not, take it or leave it, wherever you want to go with your writing. (Got my beta hat on baby, but I always could accessorize.)
I am impressed by your writing. You have natural talent. May I recommend After the Rain of Schnoogle "Running Close to the Ground." A Peter Pettigrew fic. (Since I rec it to everyone in fandom, and you said specifically you liked Peter.)
Peter hated it, hated the fact that they persistently refused to be serious, persistently behaved as though nothing mattered more to them than Puddlemere United (Padfoot), or some girl Padfoot fancied (Prongs), or the interesting way in which grown men were still capable of reverting to a mental age of six with scarce a moment's notice (Moony, exasperated).
This bit didn’t make a terrible lot of sense to me. Particularly “some girl Padfoot fancied”? Do you mean “Some girl Prongs fancied? Or did you mean Padfoot? And the bit about Moony didn’t strike me as realistic. Is Moony reverting to a younger age himself or exasperated with the other three (or the other two?)
(Moony, exasperated) reminded me of Nabokov. (picnic, lightning)
(Oh, how he was afraid, afraid because there was no good in having friends who would die to save you if they died and you still needed saving.)
Indeed.
Once again: Bravo!
Author's Response: Considering that Prongs is very much married in this chapter, I did indeed mean Padfoot. :) A bit of gentle ribbing for dinner-time for him.
Moony's exasperated with the other two; I could've sworn that was clearer before. I'll see about a minor clarity rewrite on that section.
Thank you for this review, and for all the others! Much appreciated.
Hello! I enjoyed the plot and description in this story quite alot. Your use of language was quite impressive and I enjoyed this story because of your utilisation. One thing I might recommend is that you start the action sooner in the story. For a one-shot most of your language focused on describing the animals--which you did extraordinarily well--but I felt you could have made better use of your word count by describing the animals acting. Perhaps Snape the monkey making a general nuisance of himself to the other animals? You hinted at it, but I felt it could have been plumbed further. I also felt that you described Snape a touch too childishly. He is childish, but in a messed up, sort of...crazy way. Not in an impertinent way, at least in my opinion. Overall, however, the descriptions ran the story, and they ran the story well. I quite enjoyed this.
Author's Response: Mmm... I'm not sure I agree with you on the specific way in which Snape is childish... In canon, he is so afraid of ridicule that he invites it, and you can easily poke fun at him in a silly way (that *happens* too). I tried to catch that spirit here, but I'm the first to admit that JKR's sense of humour is far more brilliant than my own :D.
I think I'm a very descriptive sort of writer and action isn't my strongest point - but I'm working on remedying it :). In this story, in particular, I was worried about how obvious it would be what went on with the monkey... Perhaps I took it too slowly because of that. Thanks for your review! -S.
This made me shiver, and I'm difficult to please.
First off, the way you string sentences together is very clear and easy to follow, you guide the reader which is definitely a great talent. I liked the way you described how Hermione's parents thought of their daughter, and how you described Hermione herself. You used a difficult subject (death) which is sometimes hard to write. One of the things that I would recommend is use emotional adjectives only when absolutely needed. For instance if you use "aching" all the time, when someone dies and you use the word "aching" it's not going to have the same affect as when you use it out of the blue. Since this whole story is about death, it is difficult to differentiate between the various levels of grief. You might consider creating more of an incision, more subtlety, more development. Overall: Good job!
The dog stretches, arches in pleasure. Sirius grins, delighted, in the dark. What are you doing here? Sirius [do you mean Regulus? Or is Sirius using Occlumency? Readers tend to be quite dense so it’s best to make it obvious] asks, softly. I've never had a dog before. Are you mine? Are you for me? I’m afraid my last review was quite confusing because I didn’t italicize my review or go back and re-read it before sending it off, so apologies for that. The one thing I would try in this piece is to make yourself clearer with the ‘he’s’ and ‘she’s’. Because of the dream-like, removed (I’m not sure I would say removed, even. It’s more a…transcendence.) quality I see why you used he and she in lieu of proper names but I think reader comprehension would be improved if you used the proper names more often. I really want to comment on your use of symbolism. “black on black” The curtain Regulus sees. I might emphasize the separation between Sirius and Regulus more. How does Regulus feel about Sirius’ friends? What was it like in school? I would, instead of explaining bring us to those specific instances more often. Readers (and it’s all about the reader, isn’t it?) tend to lose concentration quickly with this sort of dense philosophy. It’s best to sneak it in between the action, and that is one way, if you look at my other review, to work up to plot enhancement. This is the style Rowling uses. We probably learn about Harry through action and not introspection. Of course this is your prerogative. Take or leave anything I say. Another excellent story. My beta hat goes off to you. (fall, fall, fall.)