I'm Tom. I used to be on the forums but while I was away some sort of hack involving my account happened and I've since been happened. There's an extreme outside chance I might update An Insider's View, but I wouldn't hold your breath.
Here's my review. You know most of my comments already but I'll repeat them (and add a couple). I like the idea (it's quite original) but a couple of comments. Pensive is actually pensieve, you need to start a new line when a new person speaks, and possibly some more description. But I did really enjoy it.
Ok (I start most of my reviews like that, don't know why).
First of all (the above doesn't count) I was very impressed by this chapter, the atmosphere and sense of paranoiia created, the personalisation of the surroundings really makes the reader uncomfortable and you almost start glancing at your own walls.
Lily's thoughts add a nice juxtaposition to the darker thoughts being streamed. However I'd pull you up on a couple of them.
This depends on when your fic is set, but I don't see Lily slipping magical things like Silencing Charm into her phrases very naturally, since she still lives in a muggle household I'm not sure how naturally it would slip into her thoughts/speech, but it's really a matter of opinion.
Secondly the phrase "freak-out time" troubled me a bit, it's a very American one, and almost certainly wasn't around in 70s Britain, other than that
Very Good.
Author's Response: Thank you very much. I'd never given "freak-out time" a second thought, but now that you mention it, it sounds very out of place. I'll go fix that.
Hello, you're my new spew person to reivew (aren't you privileged).
1. Well, you definitely seem to ave done your research, on Scotland at least ;)
2. I 've just realised I HATE formatting.
3. Right, this is where the serious review is supposed to start, otherwise em'll probably execute me. Firstly, this passes my first criteria for being a good chapter. It feels right. There isn't a gut reaction against, it may sound stupid, but that is the first thing I look for, I don't think that you can reduce all writing to technical analysis. I'm not sure what all this rambling meant, other than I liked it. (that way of saying it seems slightly cliche though)
4.Small point, it's Bulstrode.
5. I have to admit, I'm a bit iffy on the piercings. The more elaborate ones (eg lips) are banned in the schools I know, this might not be the case in all schools, but I'd expect Hogwarts to be stricter than the norm rather than more lenient. I can't see MacGonagall etc allowing it.
6. Well. it's definitely the most orginal take of Blaise Zabini I've seen, but you show his frustration well, even when he's concealing it.
7.So far we haven't seen any mention of cigarettes in the wizarding world, which makes me wonder whether they do cross into the wizarding world, but I'll give you the benefit of the doubt.
8.a, the r rating is explained. If it was anyone else, I'd say mj had corrupted them, but I'm not so sure :p What actually scares me, is the probability that there is another version of this chapter not tailored to MNff's standards, but I'll hope not.
Finally I really liked the semi-recruitment of Pansy, it is easily the most realistic I've seen (or that I can remember). Overall, very well done.
First things first, thank you for doing a relatively short chapter (less work for me :D)
Right now to business
Ron doing summer reading? Surely not, completely OOC ;)
Since everyone else is doing it I’ll jump on the bandwagon, Would Molly really sip espresso? I’d picture making her own coffee.
Why is Harry in Percy’s room, instead of Ron’s where he usually is?
Molly is,,, Molly slightly irritating, and therefore (for me) IC
I’m unsure about Malfoy and the darts seemed slightly, odd. I don’t see him being so obsessed with school, and with them. Even if he is I don’t really see him throwing darts at their pictures. Where would he get the pictures to start with. We’ll probably have to just disagree on that. On the plus side, I really liked it as an opening chapter, the scene is extremely well set, and the elements of mystery and romance are introduced to set the plot in motion. And well done for having a white cat instead of the usual black.
Author's Response: Ron wasn't actually doing work, he was looking at pictures of Hermione. The reason she was drinking espresso is because she was under a lot of stress and coffee just wouldn't be enough for her. Malfoy with the darts is just to show that he still hates the trio and others over the summer and it was a little comedic. I am glad you picked up on the mystery and romance. Thanks for the review!
This is a sort of general sort of review of the first four chapters, so please don't shoot me if I wander between them.
Firstly I really liked it, it's an original idea written very well. You've captured his loneliness very well. However, even thought it is a very good story, I keep wincing at the Americanisms popping up, the most obvious one being Cody, it's not a name that you'd expect to see in the Uk, and definitely not in an ancient family. Upper-classmen is also another one. Otherwise excellent.
Author's Response: Thanks so much for reading and your input. I liked the name Cody, because it paints a picture of a "deer caught in the headlights" sort of kid - which is half of Cody's reality. Also, since much of the character's actions are adult in nature, I didn't want his name to be too adult, too. (Have you ever really known a grown-up named Cody??). "Upper-classmen" is pretty common in America and Japan, what term would UK'ers more likely use?
A good start, and a pretty original idea, with a nice indirect reference to Hermione's "killed or worse expelled" line in PS.
I agree with Kal, you need to watch name repetitions, but otherwise nothing much was mechanically wrong.
I personally liked that the situation is not immediately explained, it gives the reader something to wait and read the next chapter for. A good fic, *will read on*.
Author's Response: thank you! yes, i know i need to stop repeating names, but i think thats mostly cleared up in later chapters. well, i'll read your story soon. thanks again!
Right, I'm going to go against the flow a bit by criticising your characterisation.
Firstly Aberforth. I'm sorry but I really don't see "Abe" that way. My pet theory is that the DD's are similar to the Holmes's (I'll explain this a bit more fully personally). I see Aberforth as almost the equal of Albus, but in a less "noticeable way". I'd think of him as hiding from attention, but I don't see him being flustered by any 16 year old. Even if you don't see him that way, I severely doubt that he could be the barkeeper of the Hog's head for any amount of time if he was shocked or let his feelings show.
And this brings us on to the not-so-lovely Margaret Mckee.
Dare I say it, but I didn't particularly like Mckee in this chapter. Apart from the Aberforth flustering, she seemed a bit too, hmmmm.
I can't find the right word for it. Confidence, maybe or self-assurance,
However much ahem "S**T" she's been through I have trouble finding her believable. Maybe for an adult, but as a 16 year old no. To steal a bad American phrase She "kicks butt" a bit too much for me.
Malfoy's almost scared of her, she enjoys irritating Harry, flusters Aberforth, attracts Bill, and impresses Ginny, and that's just the characters I've seen.
Bill and Ginny to be fair were very IC.
and looking back I have been quite harsh, the description is good as is the plot and some of the sentences used are excellent. So there :p
Author's Response: I realize you like to go against the grain, and so, that will be the light in which I view this review. We see Abe quite differently, and that's fine. I think too little credit is given to many teenagers, in that they're lopped off into this group characterized by ignorance, shallowness, and general idiocy. McKee stands above the crowd. She's intelligent, and self assured. It's one of the few things that gets her by in life, and whether you find that believable or not is really a token to your experiences. You don't quite know exactly what is going on between Abe and McKee, so really there're no grounds for objection there. Her relationships with the various characters are far more complicated than displayed here. Probably the only things she has on her side are her intelligence, elitism, and confidence. Honestly, she's the opposite of Mary-Sue-dom, and I wasn't going to give the poor girl nothing to work with, or she would have committed suicide in a previously posted fiction. While I respect your opinions, I'm going to politely disagree on all counts.
Firstly it was very good, I prided myself on my Bell one-shot as being a great character insight, now I've read this my ego has been dented, see what you've done!
The thoughtstreaming was excellent and Mrs Peabody's interjections really pushed the story along well.
However, (and you've probably seen this coming) However, I do see a couple of problems.
1. How would Mrs Peabody know the intimate details of the Fidelius charm? This would hardly have been public knowledge (unless it's something about her character I don't know).
2. I think you've muddled up your timeline a bit. Voldemort fell, and then a full it was almost 24hrs (give or take) before Pettigrew and Sirius met. (Unless I've muddled mine up which is quite likely. Overall good.
Author's Response: Thanks for your review! This was an interesting chapter for me to write. As for your questions, one of my betas pointed out that the Fidelius Charm wasn't public knowledge, but Mrs Peabody has her way of knowing things. I'm planning on exploring her character more. And I asked around about when Peter and Sirius met. Apprently it happened pretty quickly, the morning after, I think. Even if it wasn't, I had always intended that Remus find out after most everything had happened. He's pretty isolated. Once again, thanks for your review! :)
Me again, the evil SPEW slavedrivers a forcing me into more reviews, so I wandered back over here.
1. In the UK, it's DefenCe not DefenSe
2."Getting to the Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom was another matter altogether" I think this needs a but or however (probably at the start) to show the contrast in ease with finding the Great Hall
3. You seem to have a habit of using useless speech verbs, as in "questioned the wizard", there's a question mark there, the verb isn't telling us anything when another one could be giving us more information. Any reasonably intelligent reader can tell it's a question, (and the rest aren't worth thinking about ;)). It can also get a bit annoying because it's belabours what is obvious.
4.don't really like cranky as the word here, I'd suggest "impolite" or a variation on that theme.
5.Dolores Umbridge
6. DADA isn't really canon, it's just a lazy abbreviation, which (though I believe occurred once in canon as D.A.D.A) I think is the exception rather than the rule.
7. Since the person whispering would be British, they wouldn't have used the Americanism "mommy" (though I suppose you could argue Telara would have interpreted it like that.
8. Have to point out, that Harry shouldn't be there, but since this is pre-HBP I understand
9. "a half hour" is an Americanism (nit-picking first I'm afraid) "half an hour" is more British.
10.hmm, I wonder what Malfoy's intentions are (or if he knows them himself ;)) I look forward to finding out, and finding out if he finds out.
11. I think you have Harry blowing up a bit to much, the oblique references to the war I can see setting him off, but I think he's been around Snape long enough not to explode every time he hears the name, I think he could restrict himself to muttering darkly
12 (I think). hehe "advanced" hehe (sorry).
13. I think that there potions being used by St Mungo's is pushing it a bit, I'd imagine that the need is quite rare anyway, and that the hospital doesn't have to rely on the hope of schoolchildren managing to brew it well.
13.hmm, girl stuff *whistles and scuttles away ;)*
14. Overall, this chapter just fitted. That may not sound like much of a compliment but it is (in my weird way) it's a developmental chapter, chapters don't have to have huge action sequence in each one, or they get repetitive, it's nice to see you writing it as a full story, rather than cobbling together chapters that don't feel they truly fit together (a very common irritation of mine). It just fitted, no glaring OOC's or ridiculous plot twists to try and keep the reader's attention (personally I leave when that happens). It just developed and fitted well. And that is more praise than it sounds ;) well done.
Author's Response: Thank you so much for your review. I always feel very honored when you spend time on my little story. I will go back and make corrections tonight. Also, congratulations on having "An Insider's View" featured. It is well deserved.
*stabs SPEW slavedrivers* (I hope they don't read this now or I'm in trouble ;)).
1. (nitpicking first again I'm afraid). YES! someone used Term instead of semester, thank you!!!!! (sorry, that's one of the things I absolutely despise, thanks anyway)
2. I think she's a bit sure about Snape respecting her work, I'd imagine her "suspecting it" but she couldn't be totally sure.
3. This brings up one point that you've probably answered before, but I've forgotten if you have, about the wizarding society in the US, is there none near her home? Eg, is there no professional quidditch team she might have gone to see?
4. Ron as team captain? (again, I think this is my memory) but if not how, when, why, harry's reaction? (btw, I'm dreadfully sorry if this has already been explained, but I'm doing a lot currently, and my memory is bad at the best of times.
5. "close on his twigs" sounds like a phrase a quidditch orientated person would use, and Telara apparently isn't that...
6. Slight Anomaly there... if there's a snitch chase going past the Gryffindor stands, I'd be very surprised if they all weren't cheering, and it's unlikely that Malfoy could hear one voice above the others, but perhaps...
7. Oh dear, you realise you're going to get attacked by R/Hr ers without you, (though even with Ron's infatuation, I think him saying she makes the team better a tad excessive).
8. Again, the useless speech verbs, some you can get away with "retorted" for example, but I think there are a few too many here.
9. oooh, ooh character flaw, not giving Malfoy fair chance to explain (a good thing, stops me having to think about Mary-Sue ness, and I'm too tired for that. ;)
10. I think "Goodness boys, have some decorum" is a bit over the top even for Hermione
11. Perhaps you won't get stabbed by R/Hr-ers, I'm not a romance fan, so I'll leave aside the feelings I get whenever I read something remotely romance related (nothing personal, just me) and slip forwards a para or two ;)
12. evil consciences *stabs* ;)
13. um, what happened to Lupin's running every morning of the week? I suspect you meant weekday, but you did say every morning...
14. Oooh, they've come to the UK eh, hmm, I wonder, (ulterior motive perhaps;).
15.hmm, Ollivander has a sibling (assuming it's not just a nickname) original, and intruiging.
16. "a bit nutters" is barely ever heard in the UK (you'd get some odd looks if you ever used it)
17. This is a long one isn't it ;)
18. OOOh, a rape conceived child, dangerous issue to touch, while I'm slightly wondering about the mother having the child conceived that way as a symbol of joy, to be honest I'm not in a position to judge, so I won't. It's a cliche (Voldy's daughter) but spun in a new way (reminds me of the actions of the Japanese army in WWII, but you don't want to know about that), rape is a sensitive topic, but good for you for tackling it, I hope to see whether you've carried it off well (I'll give you the benefit of the doubt).
Suspense, what was the Dark Mark, and what is Harry being told, I wonder, I just wonder... ;)
Author's Response: Glad to see another review...now I'm holding my breath for your Chapter 7 review. I hope I don't disappoint. Again, I'll go back over the chapter with your suggestions. On #7, Ron is talking to the whole house, not just to Telara. Does that help? Also, she never really mixes with the American wizarding world because the Ollivander's are hiding her (for now obvious reasons). I'm a still a bit new to fanfic so I wasn't aware that Voldy having a daughter was cliche. But I'm glad it didn't bother you too badly. Thanks again for your advice!!
Ah ha, I'm back, have been a way for a while with exams, holidays and what have you, but now I am back,
1. I don't like Dumbledore's use of the word "chipper", it is a word that was popular when he would have been young, but we have seen him in similar situations with Harry, and he hasn't used the word, and he's never (At least I can't remember him) used such an outdated phrase, I'd advise "better" or something similar.
2.I think "proclaimed" is too strong a verb here, it's better used to describe someone announcing something, than here where it's a very familiar one-to-one situation, so something simple like "said" and a description say, of Dumbledore winking at her.
3."she ate enough" is the wrong tense, it should be "she had eaten" or "she'd eaten".
4."supposed Hagrid" supposed isn't really a speech verb, so you'd need to exchange it for something different, preferably something that indicates Hagrid's amusement.
5. I think that the Sorting Hat was a bit too firm and obvious. From what little we've seen, he knows very well that you can't tell how people will turn out, so he couches what he says with possibilities and ifs and maybes. I think that "the love I see in your heart" in particular is too outright. Just "I think that you will be able to overcome your darkness would be better IMO.
6. With Hermione, I don't think that those two things are the ones she'd emphasise, or possibly one of them with something about "Getting along fine as long as we all work hard" etc.
7. Ok, sorry for all the nit-picking, but certain people would have me whipped if I didn't, I don't think they read down this far so we're all right.
What I did like was the fact that although an American coming to Hogwarts is cliche, what a lot writers make the mistake of doing, is tryingt o justify it very quickly, as if to say "it's not cliche because there's a good reason here" and shove it in the reader's face.
The fact yuo haven't done that keeps the reader (or at least me) interested to see what underlying reason you'll show for her coming to Hogwarts, and whether it will be a cliche or not. Well Done.
Author's Response: Hey! Go ahead and nit pick all you want. It makes me a better writier. Thanks for all of your suggestions. I've used them all. I'm interested to see what you think of Chapter 6. Thank you for reviewing.
Hello, again. Sorry I've haven't reviewed in a while, I've been judging a MNff poetry competition (a sort of semi-official one), so I've had to concentrate on that. Right, down to business.
1)The emotions displayed as she departs are touching and pretty much spot on.
2)I thought that Lucius and Draco were slightly obvious when talking about her, Draco can be conceited, and that can lead him to be incautious, but I think that Lucius is much more wily, you do have him quieting Draco down, but I think it would be slightly better if you used adverbs that described a quiet voice (hissed for example) to show that he is aware that the curtain doesn't block out sound.
3.I'm a little iffy on whether it's Weasley's or Weasleys', so I won't bother mentioning it. ;)
4.Other than what's mentioned, this works very well for what it is, a developing chapter. It does what it's supposed to and it does it pretty well. I'm fairly glad that my guess was wrong and she isn't the cliched sister of Harry. I wonder who she is. Well Done.
Author's Response: Thanks for your advice. I'm going to go back and look over the dress shop scene as soon as I'm through with this. I'll hopefully get to the chapter in which we (& Telara) find out who she is before HBP comes out. I'm about to write it. Thanks for taking the time to leave a review. Your input is so helpful and encouraging.
Ah Well, My SPEW quota is late (I miscalculated the time difference, and so got up to late to finish them, ah well.)
1. Harry's telling her a lot, having known her a relatively short time, hmm wonder if Dumbledore had anything to do with that...
2. Hmm, Dumbledore has obviously told Harry about her mother, and she has no reaction about this? She's unconcerned about who he tells? Given that it's Harry, but I'd still expect some reaction
3.Hmm, mdnight trysts with Harry, now surreptitious winks, you know, I just slightly wonder... ;)
4. For his house, Mr. Ollivander seems to keep out of the way a lot, I was interested by him having a connection to Dumbledore, and I wondered how it came to be, it's background/nature etc, are we going to see it a bit more fleshed out? <--hopes so
5. Again, some superfluous speech verbs, (sorry, you're probably bored of the comment by now). Only used ones that add things, "seethed" is fine since it tells us more about the way he's saying it, "consoled" for example adds notthing
6. I don't think that Voldemort would be feeling at all "satisfied" by him not being able to break into someone's mind, particularly when she's that young. He's used to being able to break into anyones bar Dumbledore. Perhaps she could try what Snape does, just concealing certain things, and offering him the info so he doesn't bother looking deeper.
7. Surely he should be more suspicious about a girl just turning up on his doorstep out of the blue, how did she find her way there for example, how did she know where he was?
8. hmm, big step there, about not being able to kill his own daughter (something differen to Harry at first glance, and these blood protection things are bandied around a lot, but I'll give you the benefit of the doubt about it).
9. Couldn't she hide her identity? The Death Eaters' claims can be dismissed as a ruse to get her into the house, and anything else as lies (not wanting to admit they let a girl overpower them etc) And for the rest of the world, silence is golden. I'm reasonably sure Dumbledore could have found a way, probably with a little private speech etc (I'm surprised he doesn't seem to have said anything of note to her anyway, after the battle thingy (not sure what to call it.)
10. Can't say I see Harry getting any less attention after killing Voldy, I'd see him getting more (possibly the full palm trees laid down in front of him treatment ;)
11. So this is the end? (aside from a possible one-shot), hmm what to say, can't think of much, except that with the huge number of stories on the site, I kept coming back to this one to review (and not just because the name was saved on the search function ;)). Why, I'm not sure, and I don't think I want to know, good stories should have something indefinable about them (or I'm too lazy to define it which is very possible). So whatever it is, well done. It's a good General story, with hints of Harry/OC, and probably the best American sutdent at Hogwarts I've read (though there is a lot of dross in that category). Perhaps I'll drop in to review another of your fics, we'll see ;)
Author's Response: Thank you again for sticking with me. I'm glad you enjoyed the story. There was quite a bit that wasn't fleshed out at the end of the story. I guess since it got blown out of the water by HBP, I wanted to finish it before new canon sunk in too deeply with all of us. I'll be revisiting it soon and I will try to incorporate all of your wonderful suggestions. Thanks again!!!
I'm back (second time around, *stabs logout bug*
1. I like Lavender's comment about "morning person" (possibly because I recognise myself slightly in that part).
2. You only need to start a new paragraph when someone new speaks, so when Hermione says two things in a row, it should be one paragraph (otherwise it looks too broken up) and you only need one of the speech verbs.
3. Technically, you don't need to start a new paragraph after the dialogue ends, but it works like that, so keep it, but I thought I'd mention it.
4.I'm surprised at the apparent lack of reaction to Telara's surname, I'd assume that all the pupils, and many teachers had got their wands from Mr Ollivander (who is very mysterious) and I think they'd be interested in her connection with him, or at least ask about it.
5.It's Hellebore, not Helebore (at least according to my version of Microsoft Word it is (I don't know if there are varying UK and US spellings of it
6. I thought they were in Year 6 (since Telara talks about starting NEWT potions, which is a 2 Year course in Year 6 and Year 7) then Malfoy seems to refer them to Seveth Years. Clarification please.
7. I think that it would have been more Dumbledore pushing Hagrid to show them Grawp then Hagrid suggesting it. So you might want Hagrid to say "Professor Dumbledore wanted" rather than "I wanted".
8. What I liked about this chapter was that it was almost quietly IC, you had a lot of small character mannerisms, that made them IC, but you didn't have what a lot writers do, is that they put out big signpost actions, with the Characters (eg Ron trying to go for Malfoy everytime he sees him and saying Bloody hell every other sentances, more or less shouting "THIS CHARACTER IS IC"). Which I find very annoying. Overall, well done.
Author's Response: Thanks for another review! We are in the trio's seventh year. I see why I confused the situation. I'll go fix it : ). Thanks for the IC comment. I'm trying very hard to get the characters' nuances.
Firstly, I quite liked it, as a first chapter it was pretty good, didn't give too much information, but gave enough to keep the reader interested.
There were a few Americanisms, but most were explainable because of the setting. However, Dumbledore saying "Diapers" felt completely wrong. Firstly it's an Americanism, and secondly, well, I just don't think he'd say it that way, "since you were born" or sokmething similar would probably be more appropriate.
For 17 Telera seems slightly childish, but I dare say that that can be put down to her just being immature.
Giving Ollivander family was a nice idea, and I liked it. Well Done.
(Out of interest is she Harry's sister?)
Author's Response: Thank you so much for your opinion! I think you are absolutely right on your comments. I will keep that in mind for future chapters (and I think I might go back and make some edits). Thanks again for helping a first time writer!
Author's Response: Oh - and she is not Harry's sister. : )
ok, since I'm doing this for the judging competition, I'm just going to review the poem. (less work :D)
1. It's got a nice steady rhythm that is easy to get into, (that's good)
2. "You had never cower" doesn't make much sense, I think you might have meant, "You never cowered" or "You would never cower", either's good.
3."You truly did belong in Gryffindor" has one to many emphatic syllables, changing it to "truely belonged" would help, or losing a syllable altogether.
4. This verse (6th one) is excellent, can't think of any comments.
5. "the our family" a typo here I think, our I'd suggest id better.
6. I'd slightly question the use of the word racket, but that's just a personal opinion.
7. "but turned the other cheek" has turned in the wrong tense, it should be "turn", and I think there needs to be a semi-colon after betrayed for it to make sense.
8. My final and most major piece of criticism is the punctuation, there is not nearly enough of it. You've capitalised the first letter of each line for no apparent reason, and several times there are places where lines require re-reading to understand them.
Apart from that, it was really good, there was some nice imagery, and some interesting speculation.
Overall, Well #Done
Author's Response: Thanks for pointing out those errors. I made the necessary corrections ^_^
Author's Response: I forgot: "I really appreciate the time and effort that you took to point all those out."
hee hee, I knew it wasn't the centaur epic one, but I thought I'd put that bit in anyway :p.
As for the contest entry, since you can submit multiple entries, why don't you submit it anyway, it is very good, and I think you could sneak it in in the "Life Story of a minor HP character" theme, dementors aren't major characters are they? My advice is to submit both, if they are both of this quality then they should be high up the rankings.
Author's Response: Oh ok. See problems with internet talking, had me a bit confused there. But i'll take you advice and submitt it also. Thanks again.
Ah, here we are, well it's definitely an original "Centaur epic poem" ;)
Ok, fun over, to business, or is this a hobby, whichever on to the review.
Oh dear, this is one of those good fics that are difficult to review well isn't it. *sighs* Great, thanks. Ah well, I'll try anyway.
This is an extremely good poem. There is some excellent imagery, and the thoughts and speculation are superbly intruiging.
My main compaint would be a punctuational one. Their needs to be a bit more of it. Sadly poetry writing does not mean that you can just throw out the grammar rulebook.
THe rhythm is easy to pick up so you don't need a plethora of commas all over the place, but you do need some full stops to break it up a bit, and also to capitalise correctly, you don't need to capitalise the first letter of every line, only when you actually end a sentance.
Otherwise annoyingly good. Well Done.
Author's Response: Thank you for the review, i love reviews. Just one little note, this poem isn't my entry for the contest, nor is it the Centaur Epic poem, that one hasn't been accepted yet. Thanks though again for the review.
Here I am, late (or very nearly) as usual.
Second time around (that logout bug is becoming even more vunning *sigh*, 3 poems in one aren't you generous.
Oh well, to business.
The Parted
Firstly, this poem is lovely, (no sarcasm). At first it appears to be extremely mournful and sad, but this only heightens it's triumphant end.
The imagery is excellent, and definitely among the best if not the best I've seen in this competition, to follow Vader's example, my personal favourite was "The black cloak of defence conceals a love frozen in the eaves", it just summed up the separation for me.
I have to say though, that it does need some punctuation in it. You send the reader in, andgive them no real directions as to the meter, or where one though ends and another begins, which can be quite confusing. Overall, though a very good poem (must go now, will leave separate reviews for other two.)
Author's Response: Hee hee, I have a very cavalier attitude to punctuation in poetry, but I did go and punctuate it after the earlier reviews. The black cloak refers to Severus and his dark outlook on life, his emotional life has become an empty house with love hiding up in the roof, as far away from his heart as possible. I had a ball playing with imagery and I'm so glad you thought it was working. :-)
Ok, I'm back for my 2nd reivew out of three, but I'm going to review out of order and do
Avada Kedavra
I think I can recognise some of dear old Oscar's work hiding in there somewhere, Reading Gaol if I'm not mistaken.
I liked this better than you're first one, partly because it's got some punctuation in there to help the reader along. But the imagery is just as good if not better.
I particularly liked the way (I'm not entirely sure that this was intentional, was that is speeded up as it went on, implying that everything is a faster and faster rush to death (yes I'm reaching here).
My personal favourite part, was the penultimate verse, especially "swansong pulling me towards the veil", that resonated with me for some reason.
An even bigger well done than the one above (or below, whichever way round the reviews work.
Author's Response: Looking back at the three, this is my favourite too. I think it works the best out of all of them as a poem. I've never (scandalous, I know) read Reading Gaol, although I have read some of his poetry. I must go read the damn thing now you've said that! LOL I think I was aiming for a poor version of a war poem with this. I don't think I'm there yet! :-)