What? It ends there? I know this was for the Gauntlet, and submitted in 2008, so I don't suppose there's any hope of you continuing it. However, I really enjoyed it. At first, I was surprised that McGonagall didn't transform, but you made it clear why she hadn't tried that right away.

The only thing I'd look at is that in a few places you use the same words right away: for example "she flicked open the brass clasp and opened it" and "She made her way over to it, picking her way". I also didn't understand the part where she reads the letter. Did Dumbledore's name suddenly remind her what she was doing (she didn't seem to know before), or was the letter an actual explanation? I would have liked that to be clearer. Also, I didn't know that use of the Time-Turner caused momentary amnesia, so you might want to explain that.

Overall, though, the biggest problem I had was that it didn't end! I definitely got caught up in the story. You had a lot of good escalating conflict, and the characters were all in character. I particularly liked the weird relationship between Avery and McGonagall, and her response to his Fiendfyre. Very well done!

This is a very intriguing start to the story. Already, my head is whirling with different thoughts and ideas. I haven't read a lot of Next Generation fan fiction, but I am always looking to expand my horizons. Also, I remembered you said that Alred shows up in this story at some point. One thing I like about the idea of Next Generation fiction is that you can do so much with the characters -- they can almost become original characters, since we don't know that much about them. Starting so late in Albus' life gives you even more to work with in that regard, and I very much look forward to seeing him in action.

Overall, I thought the story was fantastic. I loved how much detail you put into the setting, since it's an element so often disregarded, particularly in my own fiction. I was aware of all the trees, and the setting really helped to anchor the atmosphere of the rest of the story. I also thought the characterisation was done well. Albus grief and anger are as poignant and powerful as Harry's worry. I loved how when Harry says the only difference between him and his son is that Albus is weaker, it is then Albus who wins the duel. The conflict was also very strong. Albus and Harry are clearly working at cross purposes and the fact that they are family, and that we're seeing this from Harry's point of view really amps up the tension. Harry loves his son, but because of their clashing values, he makes an enemy of him. Just with that conflict, you could easily have an excellent short story, but you pair it with the unanswered questions: what doesn't Harry know about Albus and Marcum? Why does Albus think the Hallows will work in his case, when they haven't before? And what, exactly does he plan to do once he has all three? These questions give a great start to a much longer work, uniting the immediate conflict with a broader overall plot.

I had a few quibbles, one of which will hopefully be cleared up in further chapters. The first is the Muggle murder: how did a group of Muggles manage to kill Marcum? And why isn't Harry, at least, curious about that? He skips over it as though it's commonplace, but knowing the advantages that wizards have over Muggles, I found it hard to believe. Another quibble I had was that, at times, your prose became unweildy. For example, I had some troubles getting through this sentence: "Harry did not even ask how Albus had found his namesake’s wand, because of course he would have figured it out, he was a Ravenclaw; still, it would not work for him, for the wand’s allegiance still belonged to Harry, even after so many years." There just seem to be too many clauses and phrases, so it seemed kind of jumbled.

Those are very minor issues, though, and overall, I thought the chapter was a great beginning to what promises to be a truly intriguing dark story. I love the nice mix of internal and external conflict, and cannot wait to see what happens next.

Author's Response: Hi Vorona! Wow, thank you so much for coming to read this story, and for leaving such a wonderful review! I'm really thrilled you enjoyed this first part. It started off as a one-shot, as you pointed out, but I just had to keep going and explore how they got there and what happened next. I do hope you'll continue reading as it it one of my more unique stories, I think. I worked hard on it. When it comes to your questions, most of them are answered in the rest of the story. The next chapter will tell you exactly why and how Marcum was killed by Muggles. And you will see what Albus does when he has all three Hallows as well. Good point about the prose. I have a terrible time when it comes to over-using semi-colons in particular, and my last two betas finally pointed that out to me so I'm working on it. Now I sort of want to go back and edit this, lol. Like I said, I do hope you read the rest and enjoy where it goes. Yes, Aldred is in this one, so I'm glad you came to find him! Thank you so much!! ~Gina :)

My first impression is that this is a really, really cute story so far. The summary made me excited about the mysterious connection between Clariss and the past and the romance between Ara Grey and her Potions Master, so I was a little surprised at how . . . normal the first chapter was. I really liked it. It's a good way to introduce Clariss, but I'm a little worried about the promises you're setting up here.

You did an excellent job setting up Clariss's character. When she blurts out her question about Lily's father, she is a quintessential Gryffindor! The portrayal of the Sorting, her worries, and the fun tales at the table were all perfect. I felt like I was really there with them. I thought Lily's character was also well portrayed. I can see that she would humor people who keep asking about all the famous stuff, while at the same time, get tired of it sometimes. And the outlandish stories about Harry and Voldemort were wonderful. I laughed really hard when reading those: great use of humor! I also liked the addition of the wishing stone: I expect that it may end up to be more than it seems, so it's a nice reminder that there are mysterious events that may occur later on. The plot was also very easy to follow and interesting. I liked how you managed to add conflict throughout: first, her worries about the Sorting, then the disappointment that none of the people she could count on (her two sisters, Clarabelle, and Regan) ended up in Gryffindor, and then her slight faux pas with Lily. A regular Sorting ceremony could have lacked conflict, but you did a nice job keeping it present. The setting wasn't mentioned much, but we all really know what Hogwarts looks like. Still, it might have been interesting to see what she thought about the enchanted ceiling.

The biggest problem I think you might have (and I could be wrong, since I've only read this one chapter) is that your promises in your first chapter don't really seem to mesh with the promises in your summary. The summary made me think that we'd be starting in Clariss's sixth year, but instead we're at her Sorting. That's quite a long time before sixth year. And the Sorting seemed to be about establishing a friendship with Lily Potter. So, if I just read the first chapter, without reading the summary, I'd think that the story was overall going to be about Clariss and Lily, and their adventures. Maybe it is, but I'm not sure how Lily is related to Ara Grey and the mysterious Potions master. If your story is really about Clariss and her connection to Ara Grey, you might want to find a way to introduce something about it in this chapter -- otherwise, you might want to start later on, closer to the story you actually want to tell. I also caught one small mistake: in the sentence "My parent’s too had been Ravenclaws, so I knew little about the space concealed within", "parent's" should really be "parents" since you mean the plural, not the possessive. The only other issue I have is that you seem to have conflicting styles going on. The summary and the beginning quote are kind of mysterious, deep, and poetic, while the actual content of the story is very cheery and playful.

Overall, I really liked it. I normally prefer darker, more mysterious stories, which is why the summary caught my eye, but I found myself really enjoying the lighthearted gaiety and everyday worries of friendship. Great start, and I look forward to reading future chapters!

Author's Response: Thank you so much! Long reviews = love. The first chapter. Yeah, I've recieved another comment like yours on another site, and if I was writing this from scratch, I would find a way to combine her Sorting with the second chapter, which begins on the first day of their sixth year. To do it now would mean a lot of re-shuffling and re-writing things. However, I may do it some time, if I get writers block or something. The first chapter is almost like a prologue, and it's important that we see Lily Potter's Sorting and Clariss's reaction to it for later points in the story. The second chapter relates more to the summary and things do begin to happen there relating to Ara Grey. I can't really say more without giving things away; this is supposed to be rather mysterious, but Lily does come to play an important part, without realising it, later on. Thanks so much for taking the time to review this! Sarah x

I'm really glad that Gina put your story up as the first in the Ravenclaw Review Circle. I probably wouldn't have read it o therwise. I tend not to like fluff or Harry/Ginny or pregnancy-related stories, so I'm sure I wouldn't have deliberately sought it out. That said, I really loved it. I even cried a little at the end. Beautiful composition.

I did have a few problems. I thought the aside about Parvati's husband seemed a little out of place. I'm not sure that Harry would actually be thinking that right at that moment, and since it's in first person, even though it's in parentheses, he'd have to be thinking it. I think you might want to find other ways of accounting for that kind of information. I'm not even sure it's necessary that we know it's really the same Parvati. Finally, there were times when Harry seemed too formal in his thoughts. For example, when he's dealing with the receptionist at St. Mungo's, he thinks, "Little annoys me more than a sycophant." It didn't seem to be his voice there. It seemed to polished, if that makes sense. Even if he's matured, I can't imagine him suddenly thinking in these formal, polished ways.

On the other hand, I found most of the story to be delightful. I thought, on the whole, the characterisation was well done. Yes, there was the part I mentioned about Harry's voice, but his role as an Auror and soon-to-be-father were spot on. Ginny, too, was very believable. I could see her wanting to avoid being late to training and then impulsively deciding to get tested. The conflict between Harry and Ginny was well done for the most part, too . . . although I wondered in the picnic scene if you could enhance it even more. Since you were in Ginny's head and she was oblivious, I think there wasn't as much actual conflict. It would have been stronger, I think, if Ginny had begun to suspect that perhaps Harry knew, or think about the fact that she was keeping a secret from him -- maybe something along the lines of "Would he still be acting like this if he knew I'd just been tested this morning?" Still, I thought Ginny and Harry were both perfectly in character throughout, and the conflict/tension was great. I particularly liked the fact that we don't know what Harry is planning, exactly. You also have a real gift for capturing mood. When Ginny thinks that Harry is to blame for, well, everything, it's extremely cute, and shows us exactly the kind of mood she is in. Similarly, your description of the February beach as being "strange, wild, empty beauty" was a gorgeous and evocative description. I could really see it there. Also, like Gina, I really liked the detail you put into the Aurors and their department. It was all very real. And since part of what he had to do was let parents know about their children, it fit really well with the other storyline and Harry's feelings about being a parent.

Overall, though, as I said, I really enjoyed reading this story, and it's one I wouldn't normally have been drawn to. I loved all the little touches you put into this story and the way the two different events really blended together. The story was coherent and charming. Wonderful. It made me smile.

Author's Response:
Vorona

Thanks for the review. It takes Two is sadly lacking reviews for some reason. As a one-shot, it’s second (behind “The Mind of Arthur Weasley”) in number of reads, but until now it only had one review.

I actually added the aside about Parvati’s husband because I was asked (on another site) whether this was the same Parvati. Having reread the story I think that you’re right, I'm not even sure it's necessary that we know it's really the same Parvati, either. I justified Harry’s use of the word sycophant by his relationship with the obviously well read Ginny (she named Pigwidgeon), perhaps you’re right their, too. You’ve unerringly picked on the parts I was least sure of.

I also wondered about making Ginny more suspicious, more questioning. But this was intended as a one shot and it was beginning to show signs of becoming bigger, and 6000+ words is enough fluff, isn’t it? Thanks for the review and I’ll just let you know that there are two other bits of fluff which are sequels to this. First Sight and Sleepless Night, if you’re interested.

Neil

A Promise to Keep by ToBeOrNotToBeAGryffindor

I really loved this story. I actually really like femme slash, although I haven't read a lot of it, and I particularly like it with Ginny, so I was very interested in reading your take. I wouldn't have expected Gabrielle, since she is such a minor character, but I thought it was a good choice because of the interesting cultural dynamic because she is French. You make her less French than Fleur, but her attitude about love and romance seems particularly French and particularly suited to Ginny's needs in this story.

Your greatest strength in this piece is the characterisation and the portrayal of Ginny's emotions. I really felt her abandonment while Harry was gone, and the relief she found in Gabrielle. I also liked the contrast you set up between Hermione and Gabrielle, since Hermione would be sympathetic to Harry at a time when Ginny needed to be selfish. You don't say that specifically in the story, but that just makes it even more powerful. We can see how much she has given up for Harry and how the last thing she needs is to be told to be more understanding. Another thing you do well is show how Ginny has a sense of how she really feels, but doesn't let herself feel it. For example, when Gabrielle is shocked that Harry wasn't at his wedding reception, you write: "Ginny did not want Gabrielle to continue, for fear that she may find herself in some sort of agreement." That's such a wonderful way to show Ginny's internal conflict about her feelings for Harry. Another really great moment is when Gabrielle tells Ginny that the other guests think she and Harry are 'together.' That's an amazing foreshadow of how Gabrielle is going to end up being Ginny's real partner, and it's Ginny and Gabrielle who are together on Ginny's wedding night. Almost as if they are the ones who consummated the marriage, even though all they did was talk. Gabrielle's character is also well developed. I particularly liked the way you voiced her irritation about people not thinking she has anything to offer because of her age. It's a detail that doesn't seem significant, but makes her a real person. Finally, your description of the marital trouble between Harry and Ginny is incredibly realistic. You get people so well; that's exactly how they behave in situations like that.

The only real problem I have is Harry. I can easily see Harry and Ginny having marital problems; their relationship is not very well developed in the books. I also think you nailed the reason: Ginny is intensely loyal to him and to her principles, while Harry is intensely loyal about saving the world. Even so, I think it's a little too extreme that he'd be at work on his wedding night and then for the next 13 days in a row. I can see their relationship devolving into that eventually, so maybe an anniversary instead of the actual wedding, but it almost felt satirical. I had troubles taking it seriously. I also can't see Harry being motivated by a promotion. I can see him saying that they need him because people need saving, but not because he's being groomed to be Head Auror.

Overall, this was a beautiful story. I completely got into the characters and I cried at the end when Ginny gave Gabrielle up for her sense of honour (and what a completely Gryffindor thing to do!). I have hopes that maybe some day, Ginny will come to her senses, and that Gabrielle will forgive her, but I have a feeling that there's no hope for that. Wonderful!

Author's Response:

Hello! :D

This story was written for a characterisation challenge, so I took extra super duper care to keep the MC (Ginny) the way she should be. I took it as a challenge to make her the protagonist, because she's probably one of my least favourite characters due to the flatness of her role in the books. That being said, I really like how I stepped beyond that and gave her depth.

I understand your apprehension about Harry, but I still disagree. Harry is the ultimate martyr. At age 16, he without even questioning Dumbledore set out on a dangerous mission that he knew would probably get him killed. He dumped Ginny to do it. He kept on going even when his best mate turned into a whiny bitch and left him. He did it even when he had very good reason to doubt Dumbledore's intentions. That being said, I absolutely believe that if there was danger and he was called away to proverbially save the world, he would--no matter what day it was. At this point, they didn't have kids yet, so in his mind, Ginny was still strong, independent, and knew what he was doing and why. It was at the end when he took time off work that he finally saw what he was doing to her, but it was a little late at that point. 

Harry has been and always a man of different priorities than the rest of us. I just chose to portray it in the story like this. I see and acknowledge your concerns about this--and I might just be wrong--but many choose to see Harry as this great man who will be a great father and the perfect husband. I happen to think that's bollocks. His head simply isn't screwed on like that to me.

I'm glad you liked the story, even though, as you can tell by the title, it was never meant to be for our intrepid young ladies. I wanted to portray two people falling in love, and then two people falling in LOVE love from that. That added to the heartbreak in the end. 

Merlin, am I incapable of writing about a happy couple? I'm fluff-challenged!

Lovely review, SPEW buddy. You will get yours, I promise. I've un-squickified myself to Snape just for you by reading a crapload of Sev stories. Ta for now!

~Jess

P.S.--I wrote a drabble that is sort of an epilogue to this story. Linky:  http://fanfiction.mugglenet.com/forum/showpost.php?p=393871&postcount=2

Amazing. This was a beautiful look at Narcissa and her relationships with Lucius and Draco. I really like how she's not really sure if she loves Lucius until she has Draco and realizes they're a family.

The thing I like most about this is Narcissa's reflection. I know the whole story is basically her reflection, but I still think it's the best part of the story as well. She's so honest in her thoughts, and it makes her so much more real than she comes across in the actual books. In particular, I love the way she discusses what happened with Lucius: "But just one moment of something I wanted, something we wanted, something so terribly selfish – does that mean we are in love? Or does that just mean we are – were - indulgent?" That is such a gorgeous passage. I also like her reflections on her duty to her family, and how she feels that her other family members need to show that they're still the Blacks, despite Sirius, Alphard, and Andromeda -- that was another good line. You can really tell she's a Slytherin throughout the whole first part: so concerned with her image, with what society needs/expects, and what she can do to stay on top, no matter what the situation.

As for the plot, it all flowed extremely easily and comfortably. There were a few moments where I wasn't quite sure what was going on (particularly, what the "albatross" was), but it was all cleared up by the end. You certainly had enough quiet conflict. The setting was less developed, but I think that's natural in such a heavily reflective piece: people don't really think about their surroundings when they're reflecting on their past and future as Narcissa is here. I also did not see any difficulties with structure, canon, grammar, or point of view.

I only had one little nit pick: you end the first paragraph with ". . . tomorrow, I will become Mrs. Lucius Malfoy" and then start the second paragraph with "Grandmother would be horrified, of course." This made me think that, for some reason, her grandmother would be horrified that she was marrying Lucius. The following lines: "managed to plaster a smile under her cold eyes" underscored this reading -- i.e. that she was NOT happy that Narcissa was marrying Lucius, and had to pretend to smile about it. It took me a couple of reads to figure out that her grandmother would be horrified that she was pregnant before marriage, and that actually, she was very happy with the Narcissa/Lucius match.

Overall, though I thought that this was an exceptional character piece, and I think it's an absolute tragedy that you don't have any other reviews. In fact, I love this story so much that it inspired me to take another look at Snape/Lily (a pairing I usually highly dislike) from a maternal Lily's point of view.

Author's Response: Vorona, Wow, what a sweet review! That completely made my day and I'm so glad you liked it. I really appreciate Narcissa as a character and am very interested in her, so I had a great time writing it anyways! Thanks also for your advice - I can definitely see how it is a little confusing at the beginning. I didn't want to reveal what the "secret" was right away, so it ended up somewhat too vague in places. This is definitely the nicest/best review I've ever gotten so thanks so much for stopping by! -Memish

I really enjoyed reading this story. I don't often venture into Marauder era because, although I am a big Severus Snape fan, I'm mostly interested in how his double spy activities caused him to be suspected and feared by the very people he was trying to help. That isn't really part of his early years, although I suppose it might be. Anyway, as a result, I mostly read Hogwarts era and some slightly post-war era fiction. It was really a nice change of pace for me to see a part of the story I don't often follow.

One thing I think you did particularly well was the narrative voice you used throughout the piece. It was clear from the very beginning, with the line "In the early days of their friendship, there was always the secret." It immediately grabbed me, as the reader, even though I knew what secret it had to be from your summary. It was a very strong hint of suspense that reflected the tension and attention it must have taken Remus to maintain the secret. It also has a nice rhythmic, musical quality that I often find lacking in prose. The way you continue: "The secret was closely guarded; no one knew how to get its Keeper to speak it. Even at eleven years old, the secret was kept with the utmost care, almost like it was protected by an Unspeakable" has a lot of passive voice, but I found it actually worked well to again underscore that narrative voice and bring a kind of coherence to the story. It felt very well crafted and polished.

The plot, I think, was probably the least important part of this story, if only because we, the readers, already know the plot. We know how James, Sirius, and Peter eventually went on to become Animagi and lure Snape to Remus' lair. What did matter, though, was bringing those events to life. Before this, we've only had brief glimpses and secondhand information filtered through Harry or memories. With your story, particularly with your characterization, you bring these moments to life. I thought it was particularly well done. Each of the characters is obviously unique and trying to live up to various ideals. I loved it when Peter says, "'Sirius, please . . . Maybe his family really is unfortunate.'" It is so rare for an author to give Peter a sense of compassion, so I found it refreshing. I wish you could have downplayed Peter's stupidity a little; I know McGonagall likens Peter to Neville, but really, Neville isn't stupid either, he's just not as in tune to common sense and can be clumsy or forgetful. But he's clearly very intelligent in the realm of Herbology. I suspect Peter is similar in that he's probably not "on the ball" so to speak, but he must have been intelligent to figure out 1) how to become a rat, and 2) how to frame Sirius and hide out with the Weasleys. But I digress . . . as a lover of underdogs, I find Peter to be my favorite of the Marauders, at least during the Marauder era (probably another reason I don't read that category much). Whatever disagreements we may have about Peter's intelligence, you still did an excellent job making each of the Marauders an individual.

There were a couple of pet peeves that caught my attention, though. For one, you refer to Malfoy as "the tall blonde one". The word "blonde" basically means "a blond female". This was particularly distracting to me since Malfoy is male, but even if you were talking about a girl, the adjective form is without the "e". You only have the "e" if you use it as a noun, as in: She was a blonde. (vs. She was blond or She had blond hair). Another little detail I found bizarre was when you said that James "shrunk" into a stag. I think stags are normally larger than humans, so it seemed weird that he would shrink. On the other hand, I loved the detail of having the Ravenclaw Quidditch team be the successful one. That was another neat refreshing take on the usual Gryffindor/Slytherin rivalry.

Overall, I thought this was a very well-crafted retelling and visualization of some important moments in Marauder fiction. You definitely have a distinctive and original voice and a talent for creating lifelike and individualized characters. I'm very glad I read this story. It was a great read!

Oh, man, that was gorgeous. I love the emotional depth you put into this piece. I started crying and couldn't stop. Now, I have to go back and find out why.

I suppose I should start by saying that I'm a sucker for this kind of story, with a morally ambiguous main character. It's one of the reasons I like Snape so much, and Slytherins in general. You just know there's more to them than meets the eye: kids don't just "go bad" at age eleven. On the other hand, I don't normally like romance, and in particular, I dislike it when romance is the reason less than good people choose to do good things. But in your case, it was less Lisa and more Theodore's mom who inspired him. Well, it was actually both of them, but it was the maternal love that meant more to me. I really liked how you managed to have Lisa reflect the mother in a lot of ways.

One of the things that worked really well for me was your use of repetition. The constant question, "Do you remember, Theodore?" and the refrain for Lisa "She is so very, very smart," gave the whole piece a kind of poetic cadence, drawing me deeper and deeper into the story. I liked the structure, too -- the way you alternated between regular typeset and italics. It worked really well to have not only the alternation between the past and the present but also a visual cue that the alternation was happening. And your point of view . . . it was absolutely spot on. There were times, near the very beginning, where I doubted it, where I wondered why you were writing in second person. It didn't seem to fit. But then, when it turned out to actually be in first person, through the voice of the mother, it was so powerful. It was like a light went on in my head, and I could just think, "Wow, she was really there the whole time." This, too, worked with the poetics and the italics, making a kind of ghostly atmosphere. It gave me shivers when I realized she was the narrator. Now, I want to read it again, knowing she's back there. That's the hallmark of a great piece of writing: that you can read it again and again and always get something new out of it.
As you know, I liked the fluidity of time. I also liked your use of setting and characterisation. I loved the line about masks, and Theodore's constant struggle to stay that mirror . . . until he realizes it's not serving him.

The only real problem I had was that your grammar failed you at times -- grammar and spelling, actually. For example, on at least two occasions, you used the possessive "father's" when you meant the plural: "Most father’s threw their sons a party . . . " should be "Most fathers . . ." Shortly after that, you have the sentences: "For someone who never wanted to live up to anyone’s expectations, you did, Theodore. You lived up to everyone of them." I think you meant "You lived up to every one of them" (i.e. every expectation, not all the people). Then, later, you write "She had only ever been what was expected of you." She had been what was expected of you? Finally, about three fourths through the story, you use the expression "put much stalk in" and it should be "put much stock in."

Your story was still beautiful and moving; it still made me cry, but the technical problems did get in the way, making the story seem not as polished as it could be. The mistakes at time did pull me out of the wonderful dream you were weaving. Luckily, those things are also the easiest to fix -- both in editing and when writing new stories. It's the emotion, the character, the plot, the conflict, the tension . . . this is what is hard about writing, and you absolutely nailed it. Brava!

Author's Response: First thank you so much for a long detailed review.

I'm glad you share my love for the morally ambiguous characters. I, too, love Snape and Slytherins, and that's probably one of the reasons (though I didn't really put it into those terms til now. Thank you for how you put that). I don't really see Lisa as the one who changed him. As you said it was more Theo's mum. I think Theo was already on the verge, but Lisa was the catalyst in his life that made him choose. Made him realize he actually HAD to choose. But she wasn't the one reason, no more than she was the only reason. A person changing is much more complicated than that.