Ooooh, teh dramaness!

I read this chappie as soon as it was posted, Manu, and finally I'm getting around to reviewing.

Well. You certainly jumped straight into the conflict, didn't you? What an emotion-filled chapter. It's calm at the beginning, there's some embarassment, then some anguish and anger. You packed a lot into this chapter. It leaves the reader speechless for a moment at the end while they take it all in!

Hmm, I have to agree with what some other reviewers have said, though, in that I don't think they really sound like eleven-year-olds. Rose's little speech was beautiful, but a bit too profound for someone so young. I'm betting, though, that the thing about always forgiving people if they apologise under the night sky will come back later, no?

James is certainly a typical Potter/Weasley male, isn't he? Good to see you picking up on that from the epilogue and bringing it into the story.

All your grammar and such seems to be correct, which earns you a box of cookies from me, being the nitpicking DD that I am! xD

And you get a milkshake as well, for the general greatness of this fic. Enjoy the cookies and milkshake while you work on more chappies, MEL!

*supersquishes*
Chella (who now has an LJ)

Hello! Well, this is an excellent start to a fic. I'm very impressed with how you've successfully avoided Mary-Sue!Lily and incorporated a lot of humour.

First off, I love the title of the fic. It caught my attention immediately, as it's different to the boring, generic titles that are so often seen in this genre. Your summary then built on that by outlining Lily's 'problems', which I'm pretty sure a lot of us teenage girls can relate to.

This is really fussy of me, but I actually have a nitpick about the summary *blush*. You don't need a comma after 'She sleepwalks', but rather after the phrase in parentheses after it.

Yeah, now on to the actual chapter...

I absolutely love Lily's narration! She seems so realistic and down-to-earth and is really amusing. And I love the quirk you've given her (sleepwalking). That's so original; I've never seen that one used before. And it provides excellent opportunities for funny moments later in the fic! I also love that she writes romance :D Again, a very original take on Lily!

Your version of Petunia is good - she's not TOO over-the-top (calling Lily a freak every second word and so on, as happens in a lot of fics), but she's recognisable as the Petunia we all know and love (?). And you gave her a bit of spark - putting a slug down Lily's back! Lol!

It's great how you introduced a conflict - her family bothering her about getting a boyfriend while she wants to find the perfect guy - straight away. I'm also very interested to see how you weave the idea of Cinderella into the fic. I loved how you slipped a quick reference to Prince Charming (by Lily's mum) in there too! Very subtle, nice job!

There were a few teensy formatting errors in there, such as in this line:
"WHAT?" I shriek..
You have two full stops. But overall the fic is pretty readable with very few spelling or grammar problems.

Off to read the next chapter now!
~ Chelsea

Hey, Britt!

Well.

Very, very good job, dear!

You know the questions asked in the summary?

You did it! You captured it and put it into words. You did it superbly.

^ I love this opening line. You showed us the sunset in just a few words – there’s a certain beauty and calmness to the scene, and the beauty with which the reader would normally associate with the moon really contrasts with the way you go on to describe Remus’ feelings to the moon, as in this passage later on:

^ Lovely writing there: simple but so powerful.

And the transformation description: just wow. It’s so detailed, I can tell you must have put a lot of thought and imagination into that. Everything down to the way his senses changed – I don’t blame Mere and Jenna for questioning whether you are in fact a werewolf, because this is so convincing.

I like that you included lots of different emotions in this story, such as Remus’ multiple feelings about his friends coming – he’s not just worried about them, he’s embarrassed, and so on. It makes it so much more real and conveys the confusion that he no doubt feels.

And the absence of dialogue – I like that. We really are in Remus’ head.

^ Ooh, the sentences there are sort of fragmented and it lends a great tension to the passage. Wonderful writing. But, as Mere said, that second sentence doesn’t make sense...

I have a couple of other technical nitpicks:

‘Incase’ should be two words, and I’d replace the first comma with a colon or something so the sentence isn’t a run-on.

Haha, his ‘nose’, not his ‘noise’ ;)

All in all, a very impressive fic. You captured Remus and lycanthropy just perfectly. It was a pleasure to read and review.

-- Chelsea

Diabetes? I knew it!! Hehe. A family friend was diagnosed last year, so I recognised the symptoms chapters ago :( Aww, poor Ted! I just want to give him a hug. You're so mean to him, Schmergo dear. (On a side note, I realised as I read this chapter that I know a real life version of Ted! I can't believe I never realised it before...) It's a good thing he has such a great optimistic attitude. And a lovely Ivy to look after him.

Now, brilliant chapter as always. I loved the whole Haley-Lupin-chocolate-stealing thing. Seeing Anatoly stick up for Haley was great, too; Jordan's creepy Seer-ness is intriguing; and Tyrone splinching his 'mustache'... well, that was just priceless. Emma's never going to let him forget that, is she?

Anyway, I'd better go check out the art contest entries!

-- Chels

Author's Response: Thanks! And it's awesome that you know a Ted. I have a friend who reminds me of Ted, but he mooooooooved, so I'm rather sad. I haven't actually posted the extra art contest winners yet on the Crow's Nest, so I guess I better do that pronto!

Wow, Helen! These first two chapters have me absolutely intrigued.

I love your unique version of the Black family women, with the cult-like aspect.

Your Ted is adorable, and it's interesting to see Andromeda's inner conflict. She clearly doesn't want to stick to the family mould, even if she doesn't know it yet. I'm really excited to see how you develop the story.

Some nitpicks, though - 'charms' should have a capital, and you've got pure blood, pureblood, and Pureblood in this chapter. According to the Lexicon, it's pure-blood.

This seems really well-written and well thought out so far, so I can't wait for more! Amazing job.

-- Chelsea

A rare pair indeed! It's interesting to consider whether someone may have influenced Regulus in his actions... could it all have been out of love, as with Dumbledore and Grindelwald?
 
I think you wrote Regulus very plausibly. We don't know a lot about him, so you have the freedom to explore what his motivations may have been other than just family expectations.

Snape, however, doesn't seem right to me. I can't imagine him taking a younger student under his wing, thinking of himself as their older brother, corresponding with them over summer, revealing his deepest secrets to them. Severus, as we have seen, is very good at maintaining a facade. Him crying in the Room of Requirement over Lily I can imagine - but I don't think he'd reveal his weakness to a Slytherin. And Slytherin is more of an 'every man for himself' place: links were formed for convenience, not friendship. So Sev's actions in this fic don't seem accurate. Why would he single Regulus out and reveal so much of his true self to him? The second flashback tells us that Reg worked to prove himself to Sev - but I think you need to show us the time the relationship took to build. With some more detail, using Sev's characteristics to explain his behaviour, you could make this fic more believable. Or perhaps you could write a companion piece from Severus' point of view?

But the concept explored in this fic really is intriguing. Dumbledore blinded by love/infatuation and almost did horrible things, and I love how you considered whether that could explain the actions of others in the Potterverse - especially as we know Reg changed his views eventually.

Love was like a pack of werewolves, I thought to myself, harmless most of the time, but also a bloodthirsty monster.

^ I love that simile. It fits the HP universe so well, and also hints at Regulus not necessarily holding strong prejudices, as he recognises that werewolves are mostly harmless, which most of the magical community does not.

I like the structure of this one-shot, too. You tell us a story through just small snippets, and it's very well done. The only thing I might have done differently would be to write the first and last sections in present tense. Regulus' calmness in the face of death is already eerie, but putting it in present tense could make those parts contrast more with the flashbacks and give it a stronger sense of immediacy, helping to give readers goosebumps. That's just a personal preference, though. It works fine as it is.

All in all this is very interesting and well-written - just a bit more supporting detail to explain Severus' behaviour would really turn this into a great piece. How did you come up with this pair, by the way? Were pairs assigned for the challenge, or is it from your own imagination? It would be a tricky pairing to be assigned, but the unrequited love story is certainly the best way to write it to make it believable.

Well done! I look forward to reading more from you!

-- Chelsea 

Aw, what a cute story, Avery! It's fluffy but not gooey - there's a nice hint of awkwardness, perfect for this budding romance. I liked the little touch of Remus wanting to impress her.

I don't think you need the ----- break between the first two sections, as no time passed so it would be clearer and smoother if you linked it with words, rather than chopping it up.

The characterisation was nice. Very natural. It's a little bit of a stretch to imagine Lily and Remus so willingly breaking the rules and doing that to Slughorn - I almost think it would have been more believable if they'd revealed themselves to Slughorn and maybe shared some crystallised pineapple with him ;) Their actions seemed slightly malicious - I can see them breaking the rules for some good innocent fun, and I think it would be plausible to have Slughorn letting them get away with it because Lily was one of his best students.

The idea of replacing Trick-or-Treat with Spells or Sweets is clever :)

I think the last sentence was, unfortunately, a little bit generic. You could replace it with something stronger, something that shows his happiness rather than basically just telling us. It just seems like a slightly cliched end.

But overall, this is really nice :) It's light and sweet without being sickly... just perfect. No spelling or grammar problems that I spotted, either. Great job!

-- Chelsea

Still no reviews, Mere? We'll have to fix that...

The first chapter is great - I can feel the tension building up after that nice description at the beginning, as Sirius scares himself in the mirror, finds the blood, frantically rushes around the house, etc. It's interesting how you don't have Sirius finding Lily's body, but just knowing that she's dead - it adds another mystery to this fic. And I love how you show the importance Lily had to not just James, but Sirius and Remus and everyone else in the order.

A couple of nitpicks:

This sense of being watched was so strong, that he kept sending suspicious glances over his shoulders. => No comma needed.

One thing stood out clearly to him, though: He would not tell James. Not yet. => Maybe replace 'thing' with 'thought', so it doesn't sound as though there's an object he's focussing on? And 'He' doesn't need to be capitalised.

I like the image of Sirius crawling on all fours, following a trail of blood with his nose, at the beginning of Chapter Two. That must have been an intentional reference to his Animagus form, right? It's good. Subtle.

And in that chapter, you emphasise again how well Lily, Sirius and Remus knew each other - not only does Sirius find clues because of his familiarity with Lily's habits, but Lily also manages to leave them a message. Nicely done.

But you repeatedly wrote 'letters' as 'lettres'. Maybe you were mixed up with British English, but unlike 'centre/center' and 'theatre/theater', 'letter' always ends with -er, dear ;)

In the third chapter, things really gain momentum. I love those short, snappy final two sections - but you've left us at a cliffhanger! The plot really is thickening... I'm intrigued...

The moon was bright last night. I hope your rabbit didn’t bite you too hard. Heehee - his 'furry little problem'. Nice code! It's good how you managed to do it so that readers can understand, rather than having to have Remus explain everything.

I think your characterisation of Sirius and Remus is good throughout, with their Gryffindor determination and the way they work to their strengths. And the hint of sarcasm coming out: “Yeah, that’d work out well,” said Sirius sarcastically. “I’m sure Narcissa wouldn’t mind me knocking on her door and asking, ‘Cissy, dearest, did you murder Lily Potter?’ at all.”

Your chapter titles and the quotes you've chosen fit so well! Although they're definitely getting more cryptic...

You seem to have a done a good job of weaving the prompts in smoothly so far, and this fic is constantly becoming darker and more complex. I can't wait to see what happens next, hon.

<3 Chels

Joanna,

These three little bits of Christmas charm are simply lovely, my dear.

From the very first line, with the owl against an ‘opalescent sky’, you set a scene of wintry elegance which fits the simple tales to follow. I adore the warmth and stylishness you give James’ parents. Lily’s characterisation is excellent, too: you show that she still thinks James a bit silly and Petunia excessively jealous, but you don’t dwell on these points as some authors seem to do. Her reasons for attending the party after all are believable and show that she doesn’t completely detest James, and is a mature and gracious young lady. All in all, a likable and realistic character who doesn’t reach the irritating extremes other authors often send her to.

They were so nice it made Lily’s suspicious whether James was a goblin changeling.

^ No need for the apostrophe-s in there, but otherwise a nice touch of magical humour. The Aunt Bree humour also lightens up the story, the Marauders are characterised nicely, and the ending is simple, sweet, and “aw”-inducing. Perfectly warm and Christmassy J

The second part was, I’m afraid, my least favourite, but that probably has something to do with my lack of fondness for trio-era fics ;) The linking of the two sections through the PC was nice – but I was expecting that to come up again in the last part; why no sign of it with Rose and Scorpius? It was a very Harry-ish way to propose, though – not too dramatic and fancy, just in the kitchen. I can’t really imagine him singing, but I’ll go with it ^^ My favourite bit was the mention of Molly’s kids being glad to have her normal self back, even if it was grumpy.  A nice way to show that they haven’t forgotten poor Fred.

And then the Rose and Scorpius part: just lovely. Oh, Ron, he’ll never let go, will he? Yet his girls love him anyway.

Your descriptions in this part conjured up beautiful images in my head.

Outside, snow swirled in gentle eddies, as though revolving to a slow song. The house was snug and warm, redolent of mint, meat, and merriness.

^ What a lovely simile there, “revolving to a slow song”. Just gorgeous.

She reappeared in the sitting room of a small log cabin, so charming and cozy in its old red chintz furniture and its glittering icicle-festooned, faerie-lit tree.

^ Gorgeous again, a simple description yet such a warm picture.

Rose and Scorpius’ interaction is lovely. And they have a little girl, eh? What did they name her, I wonder?

All in all three enchanting little stories, warm and festive and simple. No one could have pulled this off quite like you – I’m sure Jen loved this.

-- Chelsea

What was it you said in the summary, Carole...?

I am not JK Rowling; I doubt you're surprised by that.

No, I’m sure it wouldn’t surprise us, but that’s because you have your own wonderful humourous voice which perfectly suited this story. Your writing is very matter-of-fact which makes this fic very funny – I love it.

The story moved along at a nice quick pace and was never dull, and the changing points of view worked smoothly (and really helped with the humour as well), but I thought the time jump between the third and fourth sections (‘two weeks later’) was a bit jarring. Was there a reason for the gap?

You captured Angelina very well, with her temper as Quidditch captain :) Of course, when she was infatuated with Terry she was crazily OOC – but I like that you retained her traits, such as the way she flares up at George calling Terry a prat. That helps keep her believable. Fred and George were also well-characterised – you got their speech just right. And then there’s Cupid and bumbling Godfrey. Heehee.

I like that you wove elements of mythology and canon into this story – everything from Venus and love potions to an appearance by Romilda (an underused character in fanfic if ever there was one!) and mention of Lily and James. It all comes together in a fic which was clearly very well thought out. All the detail really brings it to life and adds a sparkle like JKR’s writing has.

I have a few grammatical nitpicks:

“Tarry- a-while, young cherub [...]

[...] well, you’re Angelina Johnson. Gorgeous, Angelina Johnson. [...]

^ No need for a comma after gorgeous.

“Well, Angelina will be broken hearted for a while,” Cupid replied.

^ Hyphenate broken-hearted.

I must admit, the first time I read this I wasn’t that keen on the ending, because you revealed who Angelina is ‘meant’ to be with. I thought it would be nicer to let the reader make up their mind. But I can completely understand you wanting to take the chance to have your say (:D) and now that I think about it, it works nicely with the books because it’s a long time before Angelina and George actually get together.

All in all, this was a nice, light little story that had plenty of surprises to keep the reader engaged, and your writing style was just perfect for it. Good job.