I was so excited to see this was posted.

It is so late and I am so tired, but I have to tell you that this prologue eases my concerns about the epilogue of Hero's Lament. It helps paint the larger picture of this universe you've created. Does that make sense?

Dark Phoenix = ridiculously good name for a story. Just want to throw that out there.

This is a terrible review, and I'm so sorry for that. But I am very interested to see where this story goes, and I sincerely hope poor Harry finds healing. That was one of the joys of the end of DH (amidst the vagueness, lol) was that he was able to overcome and just live. I hope to see that journey here. But even if it doesn't necessarily turn out roses and doves, I have every confidence that the journey I'm about to take with you will be eloquent and beautiful and intensely wonderful.

~Amanda

Author's Response: So glad you like the title. It actually comes from a discussion that Dumbledore had with Tonks at her graduation from Hogwarts. (It's somewhere in a flashback in the middle of the Purgatory Section of Cruel Moon for the Misbegotten.) Energized that I was able to flesh out Harry inner struggle so that it made a bit more sense. Just remember that this is a tale of hope and redemption -- it just starts from a place where healing in call for. Am submitting next chapter today which introduces the major characters and is much more playful in tone.

Here I am, as promised. It's much too late again, but I'm going to stop procrastinating. This fic deserves this review.

I should first mention that you are scarily good at characterizing Bella. You have understood the root cause of what drives her character…at least, as I understand what you have come to understand through reading this story, if that makes sense.

She is completely insane. She lives for Voldemort. Period. Every decision she makes is for him and what she believes around him. Some of those beliefs are reinforced from her childhood, but the point still stands that she lives for his approval.

"Her wand hand was trembling a little with excitement; rewards from the Dark Lord lay ahead for her."

"However, the Dark Lord's mocking was very different."

"She was going to spill her own family blood, an act she felt honoured to commit."

"Soon, very soon, she was going to show the Dark Lord she always kept her promises."

If you assume, as she does, that this is the correct way to base decisions in your life, she is completely rational. She is cold, calculated, powerful, and not a woman to mess with.

She also lives moment by moment while simultaneously keeping the bigger picture at hand - this is most evident in duels, where she will jump from the most advantageous target to another, but relent or move targets sometimes when she sees advantages or her bigger picture in mind.

For example, right in the beginning, she moves to Tonks: "Forgetting about Potter, and with murder in her heart, she rushed forward to duel with the girl." But then when Sirius sends a spell her way, she decides he's a much better target because: a) she can get to Tonks another day, and b) it seems to be a part of her personality that she enjoys revenge, torture, the possibilities it presented to kill. So she just switch *snap!* just like that. The duality theme of her personality is present throughout the piece in different forms.

Another example of duality, and my *second* favorite part (my first will come next :D ) is the part about the photographs. She spends some time reminiscing. I found it surprising that she would get the photograph out, until I realized it was spurning her angry - she was relishing in it. But at the same time, there is a bittersweet quality to the memory. She remembers Cissy as a sister she can be proud of, even though she saved the photograph, and she let her save it this long. I think these qualities of stopping, thinking about her past…and then suddenly dropping the picture and burning it with those hateful thoughts are two twisted sides to her personality you've managed to portray quite well. It makes unpredictable.

The scenes you've chose to represent from the book, in particular the last two - fantastic. Her motivation and the way you've written them make them fresh. I didn't feel like I was reading the scene again, I felt like I was reading a new scene, and I was actually worried for Tonks in the 7 Potters scene, even though I know she makes it to safety.

Her obsession with Tonks is scary. The final scene at the Battle of Hogwarts is frightening in its intensity: " The wandless girl turned around at the sound of the approaching footsteps, but Bellatrix was too quick for her; she grabbed the girl’s hair, pulling her head to expose the neck, and slit her throat in a smooth semi-circle." And like the 7 Potters scene, though we know what happens, it still feels like I’m reading a new scene. (On a side note, I like your Tonks, you should write her more.) I like the fact that you didn't have her kill Remus.

I am conflicted about how you decided to have Tonks die. *sobs* On the one hand, I would like her to go out fighting, no matter what. On the other hand, I was strangely satisfied that Bella didn't take her down fighting; it was cowardly (even though she still felt a sadistic pleasure from it).

The last four words: quite chilling, and thus quite a fitting ending for Bella's tale.

I hope this makes sense…I don't know if there is anything constructive in there, but…I seriously fangirl what you've written about Bella.

~Amanda

Oh, I love the twins. They were characterized similar, yet different from Fred and George, whom I know they were compared to in the books. I'm not sure if F/G would have been comfortable comforting Ginny…they reverted to humor rather than sincere comfort. I chuckled:

"The girl wiped away her tears. “It’s just that…I am going to miss the two of you,” she said sadly.

The two boys gagged and took several steps backwards."

I thought Molly was characterized great. From what I've seen so far, you certainly don't need that class. She dealt with her emotion, and then moved on. She stood up for herself in the compartment (and didn't take no for an answer…). And this: ' “Same place as everyone,” said Molly. “And, Hestia, if you see those two idiots again, please point them out to me.” ' I don't think I'd have enough cheek to say that at 11, but Molly growing up with her older brothers…

I think the only inconsistency with that is that they talk about in the compartment how Molly wants to be a Prefect, and then she turns and sends a hex right in front of McGonagall at the Carrows. I know how strongly she feels about it, but…it seemed somewhat inconsistent to me.

I had to stop reading because I was laughing:

'Molly glared at him. It hurt her to hear her brothers talk to her in that tone while she was with his friends. “Since you are getting so defensive, I’m sure this is something you’re not allowed to bring to school. Is that it, Arthur?”

“Erm…” said Arthur, not looking at her. “Nothing like that, Molly. Just a -” '

I love Arthur Weasley, because in the series he obviously loves his wife so much but still manages to get into trouble with her. Looks like he started early in that relationship, lol. I really, really liked the scene in the compartment. It was so…realistic of a big brother/little sister relationship. She was trying to stand up for herself in front of her big brothers' friends, but her big brothers were just embarrassing her, after they were being so nice to her earlier when no one was around.

*On a canon note, the game keeper at Hogwarts during Molly and Arthur's time was a man named Og. Not sure where they mention it, maybe somewhere during CoS when they are talking about how Hagrid became the gamekeeper.

Oooh, I got all giggly when I read Hestia Jones. Is that weird? Lol. Because it's you! I'm silly, it's too late once again for me to be up.

I really liked the ending, that the Hat was somewhat laughing at her. I imaging the poor Sorting Hat having to deal with a lot of students arguing with it throughout the years, though it probably sees that as the highlight of its years, those students it interacts with.

I'm really glad this got validated…I quite like this story, my dear!

~Amanda

I know diddly-squat about poetry-all I know is how the words look on the page and how it makes me feel when I read it. So I have to tell you how your poem makes me feel.

Snape and Lily's story is tragic at best. I like the dualities you show: "loneliness…yet he's not always alone. I had one once, but I still have you." I thought that even while the language was beautiful - which I still find amazing, your command of the English language to write something like this - the description great…it is still simple. And it transitions and still tells a story in 108 short words.

The transition at the end is brilliantly done as well, and seems to convey a sense of regret that Snape probably carried with him his entire life. I felt sad, like I was watching someone look back on their life, and wonder something simple and profound but complex at the same time, because we [i]know[/i]. Which…just makes it sadder. The imagery of having Lily as that "void in his heart" is quite possibly one of the most depressing things ever, if you really and truly think about it. But so so so good at describing how he carries himself and how he just keeps doing what he needs to do for that sole reason.

Doesn't make you like him more, just makes the entire thing more tragic.

You should not make this your last.

~Amanda

Author's Response: Hey there Twin!



"all I know is how the words look on the page and how it makes me feel when I read it." Same sentiments here, love. I am not really good at writing poems, and I think I got lucky with this one.



Dualities...ah. I seem to have a fetish for them, don't I? I think that was how poor Severus felt. He never actually had Lily that way, but Lily was always within him, even as an absence. I think that was what made the whole thing so sad and forlorn. And you are right, I don't mean this poem to make anyone like him more - I mean, of course, Snape is someone to be admired. All I am saying is that the poem does not necessarily make him him a better person.



But isn't love just so powerful?



Thanks for the lovely, lovely review.

I think part of the reason Umbridge is so hated in the series is because 1) she is fake- she’s not up front with what she believes in, and 2) we don’t know her motivations, or at least, anything about her history, except that she seems to only think about herself. This was a really great version of what could have happened. It almost read like a night time ghost story…it had spooky elements and the language was dark and almost gothic at times. The idea of running around an empty town with a storm looming and then running into the dark gloomy forest....for example: The playground was empty; the swings creaked spookily in the wind that was now whipping up all around her. The old bridge stood by itself, alone and un-loved, and the abandoned log cabin was empty save for a few birds hiding from the tempest.

I think the way you interspersed the ”Dolores Umbridge… sections throughout also helped lend to that tone. Speaking of that…I thought it was BRILLIANT. It felt creepy to me…partially because Umbridge creeps me out, and partially because of the fact that the lines were so simple, but so…harsh? Forboding? It was almost as if I could imagine it were a movie and the lines were whispered in a voice over. I have NO IDEA if that makes sense…

I thought names were a strong suit in this, which is something that I personally struggle with. “Dolly” is such a cute nickname for Dolores…which, while it is never an adjective I would associate with her, it helped us picture the relationship between the two girls. And Agnes is just as atrocious a name as “Dolores”, lol, which makes sense as they are sisters.

Dolores’ characterization still managed to be reminiscent of the person we love to hate, even at this young age. When she yells at her sister, calling her “a horrid little girl”…that’s not only quite a terrible thing to say to someone at a young age, but she’s not that much older than her sister, so calling your younger sister a “little girl” is kind of a bratty thing to do, lol. And the transition into the part in OOTP with Harry and Hermione is probably the strongest part in the entire piece. The ending is tragic, and it made me actually feel something for her, as I believe that she loves her sister through the relationship you’ve built up throughout the piece. Then you take that one thing I believe she loves away from her, and show me how it got taken away: mean children and centaurs. And THEN you open transition to: Dolores Umbridge stumbled through the Forbidden Forest, following the two children, that filthy lying boy and that know-it-all girl.” Just….gaaaaaaaaah. It doesn’t make me LIKE her, because I know what happens before they led her into the forest…she’s still Umbridge. But…when she freaks out on the Centaurs in the forest, it’s easy to see that THIS could have played through her mind. That final scene, looking at the blood and her sister…all of the imagery is powerful, and I think it works.

I thought it was kind of odd in the beginning that she kept calling her sister “the girl”, and there were quite a few grammar mistakes throughout, enough that I felt the need to point it out. Mainly punctuation around dialogue tags, but there are others as well. I know you had a beta, but I thought I’d mention that while it didn’t necessarily detract from the overall story, it was noticeable.

Overall, great story and enjoyable read!

~Amanda

You didn’t tell me this got validated!! Grrrr….Anyway – a warning. This is the most epically long review I’ve ever left in my life, and I overuse the word “brilliant.”

I’ll take each person in turn before commenting on the work as a whole:

James: his need to be alone is reflected in his son, and I found his characterization to be completely believable. That he would act recklessly to save her, and feel completely inadequate about it and THEN not care because he recognized that was who he was – I loved it. Most of all, I loved this part: “Stupid? Perhaps. Arrogant? Possibly. Cowardly? No. Pessimistic? Never.” And I think that last part is a quintessential difference between James and Harry, because Harry was often pessimistic, though he never once gave up, and he was only pessimistic in his mind and never let it overcome him.

/James & Harry comparison

Severus: at first I wondered where you were going with him – and oh man. To have a sixteen year old boy realize that was profoundly disturbing and eerily scary and completely Snape. There were already moments of Snape in that passage – he’s dismissive of Mulciber, unimpressed with his talents, bored by their meetings, etc. – but he’s still Severus in most of it. A boy at a Quidditch game, annoyed by a girl who wants to be tutored. The way you wrote this allowed us to see his thought process, which I’ve determined that, while you do it very well, I’m not sure I want to see again, because you managed to make him very canon which = unpleasant and scary, lol. But I have a question for you, because Snape never answered this question: “How would he feel if it had been Black or Potter? Potter, because of whom he had lost Lily?”

Sirius: The longer I’m reading this, the more brilliant this is becoming. To use an incident involving death to show how they would each react differently to it – James thinking about how he can’t save everyone, Severus and how he’s going to have to become accustomed to it, and Sirius about how he feels about his own death. You know this is going to be what I quote as my favorite: “He didn’t care what he was involved in during the last few minutes leading up to it, but he’d love to be… laughing merrily at death’s ugly face. Yes, that was how he pictured it. Laughing. Full of life. Like a paradox.” Like he decides right there while he’s looking for James to go “To hell with you, death.” And because WE know what happens to Sirius…

Peter: The “sending a letter to his mother” thing – seemed a bit cliché in the beginning, hearing Sirius talk about it. I couldn’t tell whether he was making fun of Peter or whether he was annoyed Peter was talking to someone besides them – it started as the former, ended up as the latter. I liked it better from Peter’s POV, talking about wanted to alleviate his mother’s concerns and to head off her annoying letters if he didn’t writer her first. I also wondered where you were going with Peter – these lines:

“No one needed to die when they were so young, so…busy and vibrant with life. So hopeful and happy. No one needed to have their dreams snatched away like that.”

are so ironic, of course, but then…it talks of how Peter is utterly and truly afraid of his own life above all, and he is afraid also of ridicule. So you are BRILLIANTE. And I liked it, even if I wished for more from Peter.

Lily: Aaah, Ms. Evans. GAAAH How do you so brilliantly manage to hit the nail on the head and get to the crux of who they are so…so…brilliantly?! (I warned you.) I mean…we know Lily and her thing with the swings from Snape’s memories, but to take it, tie it in with an original event that you are tying everyone else in with, and then to lead in into “She didn’t care when she’d have to go, as a wrinkly old woman or the sixteen-year-old she was now, she’d hate to go without having served a purpose.” And…it’s so simple, and it makes sense, now that I’m reading it. Like, I should have known these things about all of them before you wrote it.

Remus: If I was a bit hesitant about Peter, I was eager to read about Remus from his own POV, as he sat quietly on his bed and seemed to know what everyone was doing and what everyone needed just fine. Which, I’m actually okay with in a teenage boy who is that close to his friends after observing my husband with his friends, but considering this is for the MWPP final, I thought I’d mention that before I got to the Remus section, I thought that was the closest thing to a cliché (besides the Peter-letter writing thing) I’d seen in this entire piece.

So AFTER I read Remus’ section: That stuff wasn’t 100% confronted, but in a way it was: because Remus is the only one who sees James try to catch her, and so he understands that James is feeling upset he didn’t, etc., etc. But, moving on from that, I sort of liked the discreet, deceptive, closed-off Remus aspect. He lets everyone do their own thing, and when the time came naturally, he lets his emotions out. He lets everyone do what they needed to do, including himself, which was think about his own confusing feelings.

I was confused about a few parts in the Remus section that had nothing to do with anything, purely random stuff. I didn’t know why “split-seconds” was in quotes. The last few parts, starting with that line with "split-seconds", and excluding the ending lines (“So, that was what was troubling him. Smiling, he took up his wand and went downstairs in search of his friends. He intended to cherish that gift for the time being.”) were somewhat awkward, or else I’m just confused, as I didn’t get the headache thing, but I got the overall idea of what you were getting at, and I really liked that Remus was the one to pull them all together (in this situation, theoretically, as he runs downstairs). He seemed to be the glue as the adult as well. Okay, so really it was just two parts that I was confused on. xP

So, the piece as a whole: the Mauraders, Lily, and Snape are such tragic figures in the books – we see only a broken Sirius, a traitor Peter, and a rough and worn Remus, as well as a dark and foreboding Snape whose past we only find out about after his death. Their prime is all past them by the start of the books (except perhaps Snape – did he ever have one?), and I think it’s the idea of their lives being full of life and laughter and joy as a group of five who cherish one another is an idea that captivates us all. Unfortunately, they are all associated with death somehow, so I find it utterly BRILLIANT that you showed their reactions to death, and how unique they all are. The way you presented the scene, with literally one line from each, was just GAAAH and set up the scene that was necessary for the story but not necessary to be seen. Another thing I really really liked, was how you had the four boys reacting together - well, specifically, that you had Sirius upset that Peter wasn't with them to talk about it (I've decided this is what you were going for and that's how I'm interpreting it). Like - he's an essential part of their group and he should turn to them when he needs to talk about something. I really liked that brotherly bond that Sirius is displaying he feels, because he's showing serious annoyance that Peter is confiding in them, lol.

Umm, hopefully you realize how I feel about this story, and I think you did an amazing job on the final, although my opinion doesn’t really matter for your grade, lololol. :D

~Amanda

Author's Response: I know I have responded to you via yahoomail, lol, but I just wanted to say, THANK YOU FOR THE HUMONGOUS REVIEW again.



Natalie.

That. Was. Awesome.

It was...awesome. I have no other words. I hope you'll get all the meanings of what I'm trying to convey.

And as I'm supposed to be working instead of reading random stories, I'm running away now, but I'll be laughing all the way. Seriously, Carole, this was a great story, and I laughed all the way through. It was a very enjoyable read.

~Amanda

Author's Response: Thank you, Amanda. That means a lot because I know you're a big Hermione writer and I was anxious to get her right despite being OOC because of that book. It was fun to write ... especially her scene with george and the letter written to Caramac Cloggan. ~Carole~

I was really excited you decided to put this up on the archives, because I never got a chance to discuss it. But, I don’t know how much of an actually discussion it would have been. Because this is going to be the worst review I’ve ever left for you…it’s going to be like the one I left for Sunday Lunch where I just gushed tearfully about how much I loved it, and that was about all. Because daggum it I love your Ted and Andromeda. Seriously seriously seriously.

You really have a gift at giving Ted a voice, a personality. He really comes alive in so many ways, but especially for how he and Andromeda could have come together: “We don’t really speak, although I can feel her presence as though my senses were built solely for that purpose.”. That line is amazing. And the whole paragraph where he describes the building of their relationship…even in those few lines you FEEL it. And yet, she doesn’t feel stronger than him, somehow. Maybe that’s just me, but they do feel balanced in a way, because you know in the end, she dancing FOR him. She left her family FOR him. She’s amused that her dancing worked, and wants him to look at her, to kiss her. AARGH! So so good.

I love your knack of using sentence fragments without overdoing them:

“I asked. I accepted. I ran away.”

‘ “Look at me,” she whispers. I obey. Lovely brown eyes.’

And yet you contrast it so beautifully with the massive run on sentence at the end that works wondrously

So…you are marvelous and I fangirl you more and more with everything you write.

b29; Your twin.