Okay, Laura, the first thing I have to say is…the poor owl…I actually felt bad for the owl. Is that really sad? I’m either overly sympathetic, you are an amazing writer…or both. I’m going to go with it being both.

Despite the new prophecy mystery this chapter had the feel of a transition chapter. You covered your bases and obviously made preparations for the chapters to come. Though I am not brilliant when it comes to foreshadowing, I could feel it when I read this chapter. It makes me anxious to see if any of my speculations will come true in the future chapters. I also like how you are settling the readers in for the long run. I think with this chapter you established that, yes, ladies and gentlemen let the games begin. There is not just one or two plot lines going now that could have been tied up quickly, but now there is much more action and whole new stories. It’s exciting! It’s good writing!

I loved the prophecy…very well done! It really sends the mind whirling on what it all could mean…though I honestly think I know better than Hermione does, she’s too close to the situation. I think I was still thinking of the prophecy as I was reading paragraphs later…and I had to reread them again because I wasn’t paying attention. My eyes go faster than my brain. It was very clever, well done.

My only suggestions are these, one, would be to cut that little bit about Mr. Brown out…and the joke shop. While it does get out some information about the war, it seemed a bit out of place. I think you can show us those details another way. The second suggestion is that when you are speaking from Aurelia’s point of view (nice OC by the way, you are the characterization goddess) I wouldn’t use Harry and Hermione’s names. It might be just me but I was expecting them to show up there, so if you used descriptions your reader’s should know who Harry and Hermione are. It just seems odd that from Aurelia’s point of view that their names would crop up when she isn’t supposed to know who they are. These are just suggestions of course, but they stuck out for me.

You should be proud though; you have a diehard fangirl over here anxious (dying) to read more! I love it (and you) too much!

~Ashley

Let me first start off my saying that you have one of the most unique writing styles I’ve come across. You come off really professional; there is some really talented writing here. I definitely approve.

First off I’d like to applaud you on the neutralization of friendship between Ron, Hermione, and Harry. I didn’t get the impression that two of them were closer than the other one or that one being hurt or dead meant more to Hermione than the other. So many people have trouble realizing that the trio are all friends…they are all best friends. It drives me nuts when people try to pair them up as best friends and then leave a third wheel. So thank you for keeping the friendship the way it is supposed to be.

I also like the descriptions at the beginning how she could barely feel, see, smell, taste, and notice. I know it’s obvious repetition to make a point, but I think it was well used. I can see this being very realistic considering her circumstances. I found it a little hard to believe that she would have left Harry but considering the circumstances and he was telling her to run, it gives her good reason to do so. It was also helpful by saying that “instinct” had kicked in, because otherwise I might have had a hard time seeing Hermione leave Harry in a dire situation; but after all she is human.

There are a few things I wanted to point out though…

In her mind she heard Harry’s voice, telling her to run; his pain-filled face, willing her to escape while she could. But also his mutilated leg, in the jaw of a savage beast, one that they stood no chance of defeating

It seems like there should be some transition between these two sentences, at least some clarification. She is hearing Harry’s voice, but she isn’t hearing his mutilated leg, it gets a little confusing trying to transition between those two sentences. So maybe mentioning “But also seeing his mutilated leg…” would make more sense, or something along those lines.

Beginning to panic slightly, she tried again, and again, and again, screwing her face up further with each effort.

I don’t think screwing up her face “further” is the phrase you are looking for; I think you want to say she was screwing her face “tighter”. Granted, I really have no idea what you are trying to say, but that is just a suggestion for further reference.

The guilt had welled up inside Hermione so she had done the cowardly thing: sneaked out of her bedroom at night, awoke Harry and told him that they had to leave.

You know, I think this sentence is grammatically correct, yet I sit here looking at it and I don’t like it. It sounds really awkward, like you are changing tenses or something. As a suggestion I would change “sneaked” to “she snuck”, but like I said, I think it’s correct I just don’t like the way it reads.

It took a moment for her to comprehend her surroundings, initially believing it to be a vision, like an oasis in a dessert.

I think you mean “desert” and not “dessert”, though I have found an oasis in a cookie once.

After a manoeuvring past them they entered a place of unnerving darkness.

I don’t know if this is proper british speak or not…but maneuvering seemed really really weird to me. So maybe just double-check that, I don’t mean to correct if you are right but I really didn’t know about this one.

This is a good prologue; most prologues tend to be a little boring because they just dish out background information rather than tell a story but I remained interested with your story, so well done. You gave us your background, yet also had us interested as to what Hermione was doing and what she was going to do.

Also a nice cliffhanger, it urges me to read on and I will. I can’t wait to see how you handle Lucius/ Hermione’s interaction and I don’t think they are an impossible pairing especially with writing talent like yours.

Author's Response: Thank you very much for this extremely detailed review, I have been through and made your suggested edits. The prologue was a big necessity for me to write in order to make the following chapters at all IC, and thanks to Bridget I managed to scoop up many loopholes that I had made, including Hermione leaving Harry (as this would be quite OOC in normal circumstances.)

You address the friendship of the trio, and well I have to blush and say that in later chapters you'll find that they aren't entirely on equal footing, as I've written in a ship, but Hermione does value her friendship with the other two above most things and it is this that will cause conflict later on.

I have just finished writing chapter 4, the most horrific chapter of the lot to write, and so I was ultra pleased to receive this review as a way of encouraging me on. I hope you do enjoy the rest of it, it is quite AU but I've tried my best to keep Hermione IC.

Okay, so I know this story is a Lucius/Hermione story…and has been for eight chapters or so now but I would be lying if I said I wasn’t trying very hard to ship Snape/Hermione this chapter.

First let me start off with a little fangirl bit about Snape. I am so happy he was in all of this chapter. The way you write him is right on, and not only that but we get to see things from him point of view that is so interesting. He is terribly fascinating and really you are just feeding my terrible addiction to the inside of his twisted mind. You find the perfect balance between his cunning, cold, nature and also add hints of him we don’t get to see in the books. I have lots of comments on lines so I’ll talk more about him. But basically I am in love with your Snape.

Oh yes and Hermione, I really just expect you’d get her right now because you’ve done her character so well in the previous chapters. And really you did exceedingly well in this one. Her dilemma is thickening, the poor girl. Yet you present her exactly the way she would act in every situation thrown her way. She is guilty for lying but knows she has to. She screams at Snape but knows now that he isn’t on the “dark” side even though he made her cry (kind of). And the passions she still feels is so understandable, and I’m glad she has realized that she can’t fight them. It really is less stressful to read. The only thing about her that bothered me was her reaction to seeing Snape at the bar, she really freaked out. Now I expect her to be surprised and a little scared but her reaction seemed a little over the top to me. I would tone her reaction down a tad if I were you. Though it was amusing to watch Snape be annoyed at her too.

Spinner’s End had bad luck for Severus, and he regarded it as a place where love could not flourish. Not that he had any love to give anybody

This is a good example of your amazing Snape writing. I like how you allude to the possibility that he actually might believe loves exists…but maintain that he has nothing to do with it. It’s just fabulous.

Severus could hardly be described as a moral man, he wasn’t going to allow Lucius to use her.

I think you should explain this a little more. Though I secretly know he doesn’t want Lucius to use her because he cares for her. In this story that might be a little out of character for him to feel that way (at least outwardly). Rather I believe he wouldn’t want Lucius to use her because she would be valuable to his cause, and Lucius is his enemy so he needs to make sure that Lucius gets no extra help. (but really I know he cares for her…it’s okay, I understand the conflict here).

Despite how much she twisted the truth in her own mind, Hermione’s conscience refused to be appeased.

I not only like the characterization in this line but also the wording of it…it is a very “right” line.

This may sound kind of strange, but I really liked your description of the bar. It was very good description, I could see it perfectly in my mind. Nothing in particular stands out it’s just very nice writing.

, “So why were your robes strewn out across the hall floor? Couldn’t you wait until you reached the bedroom to get undressed?

All I have to say here is “oh burn!” That was a good crack, I’m not going to lie. I think I gasped while reading it.

Completely ashamed at having fallen for Lucius’ ploy, her emotions were too tangled to feel more fear for Severus. Somehow, he no longer seemed the enemy.

I have no comment other than how happy this line made me. (*tries to kill her Snape/Hermione shipping mindset*)

. Refraining himself from lashing out, he subdued his tone of voice so that he sounded in control and perhaps honest. “I want Harry to win this war as much as you do, Hermione.

I have no suggestions for this, but I don’t like how Snape said the line. The way he said it just seemed too sincere…no suggestions except to just look at it again and reconsider.

I love love loved this chapter it was so good! You make me smile with my heart! Possibly my favorite chapter yet, I cannot wait to read the next chapter. This one was such a treat!

Signed,
Your devoted fangirl

Ooh Laura, evil cliffhanger. Luckily I know you have just updated with the next chapter, so I can go read it right after I’m done writing this. It’s long in coming, I know, I thought I’d be done sooner, but with school and stuff, this got pushed aside. Most importantly though it is here now.

Good transition chapter, there was a lot of though in this. In the characterizations, the mood and feeling of the plot. It flowed quite nicely. I’ll try to expound a little bit on this but other than that, that is the best I can put it. It flowed neatly and made for a nice chapter into the dark side.

Trust was a fragile thing, something he kept a distance away from, but for such a tender young woman as Hermione was, trust could be manipulated.
I like this line; it’s very true in almost any aspect. Any innocent young woman can be manipulated through trust. It is a key factor to his game and the highest playing card he has to win her over. And Hermione is very vulnerable to this, because she has to have somewhere to place her trust in, and she is running out of places. He has her pretty well figured out. Smart man that Lucius.

Ooh, and good paragraph returning to Lucius’s motives, it again puts this relationship into perspective. I was noticing though that he might be trying to convince himself of his own motive, does he find something beyond a physical attraction and person gain from Miss Granger. Ponderance. We shall see I suppose…

After an hour and a half Lucius began to feel annoyed by Hermione’s unconscious refusal to wake up.
How like a guy, getting annoyed when women don’t do things by their schedule. Especially the schedule of the amazing Lucius Malfoy. *grins*

She let out a long yawn, shook the masses of her hair, and rubbed her eyes so that little flashing dots speckled around her vision
This seems a little lax in your writing style, you have this nice flowly elegant style and then you hear about “speckled dots”. I mean I know you are trying to get the realism and imagery, but you might want to try saying this another way.

Hermione gave him a cautious look and stepped away from him. “I think I would rather argue with you,” she confessed.
I really like this line, because it reminds me so much of real life experiences. A lot of people would rather fight or remain hostile to hide true feelings and avoid the truth. So I think Hermione would rather avoid the truth, though she claims that is what she is searching for. Oh the irony.

He could either revert back to friendly conversation or strive forwards to her, taking a risk that could prove to be either fatal or a catalyst in their relationship
I love how Lucius takes all the emotion out of this “adventure” by making it seem like a game of chess and moves and captures and small victories to eventually capture his prize. It really shows a good characterization (again!)

“Lavender Brown used to give me back massages as a way of relieving my stress before exams,” she teased and he chuckled slightly. “Of course, I had to pay two sickles for them. None of her beauty treatments came for free; she and Parvati were the female equivalents to Fred and George when it came to franchising.”
What she says first about Lavender Brown and massages is okay by way of teasing but when she goes on to talk about Fred and George this seems like almost unnessecary babble for Hermione. She doesn’t seem like much of a gossip and I think she is taking the joke a little to far ,especially for talking to someone like Mr. Malfoy because I’m sure he doesn’t really care. (and I think you said he didn’t) But Hermione probably knows this as well.

“If that was meant to be a cheesy but dirty pick up line then, I am afraid to say it, but your son could have done better.” *giggle* I have to agree…and he didn’t do it on purpose…all of his pick-up lines can’t be good.

She wanted to surrender to it, the easiest option that she faced, but her rationale mind would not allow her just yet.
I like how you keep her fight for morality going the whole chapter, up until the end, it is so perfect for her, you keep it going for the perfect amount of time before she gives in. The battle she has is so important and her thoughts and questions in her mind are so revealing and accurate, she is very in character and her emotions are real and justified.
. “Do not believe a word that anyone says to you. You are beautiful and that is the truth.
*coughloadofcrapcough* At least she realizes it for a minute, but girls are susceptible to that, I’d probably believe it if he said it to me. Yet here I sit calling her stupid for believing him (though she gets points for trying not to). It was a good “trap” on Lucius’s part, he sure knows how to trick a woman into believing a lie. (Is that all wooing is?)
Lucius detected a subtle change, she let out a small sigh and her eyes rested upon his with a hunger that he hadn’t seen before.
I think there should be either a period or a semi-colon after change, you seem to changing thoughts there.
Oh, and at the end when things get “sexier”, thank you so much for not having Hermione be timid. I agree so much that when she makes a decision she makes it, and she made her decision and she is not going to second guess it now. So thank you for having her go after her decision with full force rather than tip toeing into it. It was so much more realistic that way. I think a lot of writers would have her “unsure” about what to do. But you’ve established her little “experience” and her state of mind so I think her conscious decision to go straight for the sex sounds good to me.

Like I said, the characters were great, the sexiness was great, and the fluency was great (the best fluency in a chapter yet). I’m looking forward to Chapter 4 now. You have yourself a devoted reader.

~Ashley

Author's Response: Thank you once again Ashley! *big huggles* I am so grateful for your devotion, it makes writing these chapters worthwhile.

She doesn’t seem like much of a gossip and I think she is taking the joke a little to far ,especially for talking to someone like Mr. Malfoy because I’m sure he doesn’t really care.
Hehehe, I agree with you actually, now that I've come to think about it. She was just trying to deter him away from the uncomfortable questions he was asking, and gain some control over it. She isn't much of a gossiper though, so maybe I could have thought of something better. *ponders*

Oh, and at the end when things get “sexier”, thank you so much for not having Hermione be timid. I agree so much that when she makes a decision she makes it, and she made her decision and she is not going to second guess it now.
TAHNK YOU for saying this! The OOC ghost has been haunting me throughout this chapter, and the next, and this has just helped me see that yes, she would just get on with it and not be a shrinking violet. Hermione is far from timid and it annoys me also when people make her nervous and almost prude-like. She's a young woman, and she fancies Lucius like hell! She isn't a flirt, and Lucius wouldn't be attracted to her if she was easy, but she is comfortable with herself.

Thanks for the comment on fluency - it is difficult to get everything to flow jsut right, whilst filling in various plot holes and OOC blips. I hope I didn't bog you down with too much backstory.

I am quite attached to my "speckled dots" but I can also see where you're coming from. I get little dots around my vision when I rub my eyes, and I'm not too sure how best to describe them.

Thank you for another awesome review. You really are a star! *gives Ashley a chocolate star* I hope the next chapter doesn't boggle over your mind with its many metaphors and sexiness.

All right, this is a sweet one-shot, it really is very nice, and I love the angst. I’m such a huge fan of angsty!Harry/Hermione stories. Oh the drama, who says Ron/Hermione have to have all the good fights huh?

I really liked the beginning of this story; it made a connection with the first book and really drew me in. It’s a good introduction and hooks the reader well, especially for those of us who can remember back to Sorcerer’s Stone. I like the parallels; it’s a nice lead in to your story. I approve.

To start out with, you had some very good and very real characterization. Harry’s anger and self-loathing, and desperation were all very perfect. His hatred for the world because of what happened is completely realistic for a teenager who just lost his best friends especially what Harry and Ron have been through together and that Ron died in battle for him. That guilt is there, and you played on it well, even though he wanted to toss it off on anyone else to avoid the truth.

Hermione’s characterization was also good; it’s not all surprising to find her coming to see Harry after all this. He is her only remaining best friend and she feels deeply for him (no matter what you ship most people believe this is true), she has an understanding of him. She knows he’s hurting, she knows he doesn’t feel the victory, and she wants to help, and if in return she can be uplifted it works out for her. Her main goal is Harry though, I think Hermione would put her friends’ feelings in front of her own any day and that is the way you displayed it. So congratulations.

Now, I know you had some worries with this one-shot and some harsh criticism from other reviews. Well I hope I can help, and I think I found the problem you might be having. Though your internal characterizations are good, and you understand the emotions, the dialogue and character actions doesn’t always display this like you want to. So I’ll point out a few excerpts to help you along, hopefully.

What they had was lost in the war, and now, Ron was lost as well I really like this line, it relays what Harry’s struggle is with Hermione very well. He thinks that his happiness and hope for life died with Ron. It’s very revealing to Harry’s psyche and though he doesn’t know why he is mad at Hermione, the reader has some understanding. I think this line is very big, and I like it.

She just cried, as she had never cried in her life.
Though I know what you are trying to go for here, this sounds really cliché my dear. You might want try another way to relay the intensity of her emotions.

Sighing, Harry sunk back into his pillows and turned his gaze from her, not wanting to see her crumble before his very eyes.
This is another great characterization of just a teenage boy in general actually. I know this holds true for my friends anyway. My best guy friend would rather be fed to the wolves before having to watch me or another female friend of his cry, so I like really like Harry’s reaction here, it’s very accurate.

“I don’t understand you, Harry! In all the years I’ve known you, you never shut me out, not once! Not once? That seems rather err…not likely. I know he’s shut her out before, maybe not often, and maybe he tells her a lot, but it seems a little extreme to say that he has “never” done that. Again, I know what you want to convey, so maybe say something like “Of all the times to shut me out, you pick now, when we need each other most…” (and that is a little cliché but you could work with that, I’m just trying to get you to see where I am coming from)

“I came here because I need you. Ron’s death caught me completely off guard, but I knew I could find comfort in you, as I always have in the past.” This sentence doesn’t sound like Hermione to me. The first part just doesn’t sound like her, she sounds too composed as to what just happened to say “caught me off guard”. When your best friend scares you, that catches you off guard, but not them dying. (you know what I mean). It sounds too casual. The second part is again on the clichéd side, not as much as before but it seems a little over the top. Just my opinion of course as a suggestion to fix something.

Hermione’s jaw dropped open in shock. “Lies? Harry, whatever I felt for you before and during the war was real!” I like Hermione’s reaction here, because what he just told her was brutal. I can see her flipping out over his accusation, and the emphasis on “lies?” is great, I can hear her saying it in my head. The shock is great again, another hard-hitting line.

All he wanted to do was scream at her, shout at her, dump every shitty *** feeling he had on her.
Maybe it’s just me but “shitty” seems a little lax in your writing style, and I know it’s Harry and I know that is how he feels but maybe you could try another adjective? Okay, okay I’m sorry…the characterization is fine…I just don’t like it. (You: Will you make up your mind) I just don’t know…. maybe wait for a second opinion on this?

“I was right there, Harry,” said Hermione, her voice shaking with hurt and anger. “I was right there, fighting the battle, for you.”
Another line that makes Ashley happy because it is wonderful and beautiful and dramatic, and so Hermione. No other comment, except it rocks.

“Hermione, I was wrong, and I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have blamed you for Ron’s death. I shouldn’t have shut you out. I should’ve have done a lot of things to you because you don’t deserve them.”
Okay, remember Harry is only an adolescent boy, no matter how sorry he really is, he probably wouldn’t burst out saying all that. Just an opinion of course, and you may have way more experience than me at this but he seems to be spilling his guts, and if he were to do this it would at least be a little more awkward then passionate, or so I think.

Still, she was beautiful.
Though Hermione might be slightly pretty she really isn’t “beautiful”. Now if you were to express that she was beautiful for reasons other than physical appearance, as in her devotion to Harry, her love for him, her awesomeness, then I could see this working. But on it’s own it doesn’t seem quite right.

. Harry gently rubbed her back with the last bit of strength he had left. Okay here I go with the speculating about boys stuff, but I think he would just relish in the fact that he was comfortable with Hermione’s head on his shoulder without rubbing her back. It seems a little awkward to me, again I don’t have that experience but just as another suggestion.

Alright, I know that was a lot of stuff, and I hope I don’t sound too critical because you have an amazing story. If I sound harsh, it’s only because I love your story, and know the unceasing potential it has. Again, your characterizations are wonderful, sometimes you just don’t get them out the way you want to. I really believe in your writing ability and you have done wonders with this pairing, and I don’t think it’s unrealistic at all. I hope you can get it all worked out, and believe me when I say that this is good work! Nicely done. I hope to see more H/Hr from you in the future, it’s really inspiration, I envy your skill with these characters and their interactions.

Wow, this is unlike anything I’ve ever read before with Remus, and I must say, I really like the idea. I like how you take your idea away with the first line, A wolf is always a wolf, now I know this story is supposed to be AU and a “what if” sort of thing but I don’t understand why it couldn’t happen, it definitely gives me something to think about anyway.

So few people take on the task of examining Remus in his wolf form, or his wolf state of mind, I figure it has to be different from normal human thinking, and I find your take on it quite interesting. The way you use his wolf instinct not in his wolf form but in his human form is riveting, and there were times when I kept checking to make sure he was actually in human form, because you describe his wolf state of mind so intensely that I believe he was in that state.

There was one part that confused me for some reason:
even his sweat by the alcohol he occasionally drank
I don’t know what you are trying to say here…are you saying that his sweat smelt like alcohol or that he sweat because he drank alcohol. I just wasn’t sure.

I also enjoyed the last line of the prologue, “Who…are you?”. That is what a lot of people are wondering because no one explores Remus like this, and I think it is brilliant! Who is the wolf in Remus, how are they one? All the questions that come up when I read this need answers! I really enjoyed your exploration of Remus, I hope to read more in the future?!

~Ashley

I was attracted to this story because of the name. If I recall correctly it is the name of the song in Les Miserables when Eponine dies. When I began the story, I thought that you didn’t use the premise at all but at the ending it became clear to me that the stories are very much alike. Eponine’s and Ginny’s that is…or as you quite truthfully point out, everyone’s.

The heart of this story is beautiful, the ending is simply elegant. I love a good fanfiction story with a moral, it makes me smile. It also shows great talent as a writer, that you can use fanfiction characters that people read about again and again and make them more relatable and real. It’s refreshing to see a moral everyone can relate to.

It was something everyone could need to feel. To do well at life and all its requirements–it was what we all wanted.

That line was absolutely poetic and beautiful and true and relatable and perfect! If there was nothing else good in this story, it would be worth it because of that line!

As far as your characters are concerned, I very much enjoyed reading a first person OC it was nice being able to see things from an OC’s point of view. And the whole journalism spin was a nice prompt, it made things interesting. Gemma was a new journalist, and as far as I’m concerned she would probably be a great one. She knows there is a story to cover and so she can’t be overly sympathetic and miss out on the story but at the same time she feels very deeply for Ginny and so we feel for her as well. Very nicely done. My only complaint with characterization would be that Ginny acted a little old for her age at times, I’ll give you an example below.

The castle hadn’t barred itself against me, so my purpose hhere couldn’t be simply to find a story. I had to be doing something useful.

You doubled the “h” on here.

“The fist*** thing everyone needs to know about what’s gone on here,” she began resignedly, “is that I never meant to hurt anyone. I found a friend in Tom Riddle, and I thought I could trust him. I really did. I didn’t even know what was happening to me.”

You need an “r” in the word “first” at the beginning of the sentence. This was also one of the spots that Ginny felt very adult and not like a child who had just been accosted by Voldemort. I realize she has kind of sobered up from the incident but I think she would still be a little hesitant talking about it. She seems very prepared for this interview, not stumbling over words. She very clearly claims innocence and seems unfazed. Though I did like the part when Ginny mentioned being able to see Gemma’s brain, that was very in character I thought.

“I can’t miss his comfort,” she went on, her eyes leaking tears of exhaustion and grief as her words became hoarse. “I won’t. He doesn’t deserve that.” She blinked slowly, and the tears trickled down to the pillow underneath her head.

This part is so good! This is very in character for a confused, tired eleven-year-old girl. My heart breaks because I know what that feels like and so many people do, so it really is moving.

Ginny siged*** and closed her eyes.

Here is just another little typo. You need an “h” in “sighed”.

Your allusion with the rain was pleasantly adorned in the story. You didn’t beat us over the head with your metaphor and it added a nice touch to the story. It also made a very clean conclusion.

Nice job! It was a pleasant read.
~Ashley


Author's Response: I hadn\'t responded yet because I wanted to remember to come back and make some corrections and adaptations, but trust me, when I first read your review I was squeeing myself to death. I love good reviews, and your advice made this one excellent. Thank you!

This is the last SPEW review I will write for a long time, so that in and of itself is very sad, but your story was also very sad. However it wasn’t like a hopeless, the world will never be bright again kind of sadness it was the same sadness I felt while reading about Cedric’s death in the book. I felt like I had lost a friend.

I’ve never read a story that took place during canon, and it certainly interesting to read. I enjoyed seeing the canon lines in the story and remembering the scene only viewing it from a different perspective. My only idea for improvement would be to flesh out Cedric’s character just a little bit more, maybe in a flashback or something. You were very straightforward in this story just going with what we knew about Cedric basically and I think it would be interesting to see more of Cedric as a person and not just Cedric in the moment. Does that make sense? I think it would add to the emotion at the end of the story.

He looked hopelessly at Harry, writing on the ground.
I totally smiled when I read this line…just picturing Harry writing on the ground while Voldemort is coming towards Cedric. Kind of like Jesus or something when the Pharisees were attacking him. I think what you meant to say was “writhing” instead of “writing” however.

I liked your repetition of “so this is the end” it shows his fear and his knowledge of what exactly is going on. It shows good emotion.

He was a mere echo of who he had been; a mere shadow of who he was. The mere spirit of Cedric Diggory.
This was a really interesting point of view on death. Since a lot of people (okay Christians) believe that you are glorified in death and greater than you were on earth. Yet you took the opposite view which I think was very interesting to see, it added to the sadness of the whole story. It reminded us that Cedric could have been great but Voldemort reduced him to a terrible death, a half-life.

And as Harry spoke the words “I will”, Cedric was filled with an unexplainable sorrow.
I had chills for a better part of the story but this line in particular was chilling. It is very emotional, it’s almost like Cedric realizes that he really is dead, and maybe almost a sense of regret that Harry had to be the hero where he couldn’t be. I guess I can’t really explain it, but it touched me.

This was a nice little one-shot, very sad though but I guess it was appropriate for the occasion. Thank you for being a wonderful SPEW buddy; it was a pleasure, Rachel.


Author's Response: The last SPEW review?!?! Ashley. No. You can\'t. *sobs* But thank you for the amazing review, it really made my day. Oh, and I\'ve been meaning to fix that \'writing\' thing. *giggles* I\'m so glad that you liked it, and thanks for all your wonderful comments--they mean a lot. *huggles*

What a terribly tragic romance! I loved it! Lately I have become obsessed with reading Hermione/Snape, it is so weird, and it’s not like me at all. Then you posted this on the LJ and you had me hooked from your teaser and the first paragraph.

Good description, everything from the scenery to the emotions to physical body movements was incredible to read. I really felt like I was there and feeling everything that was happening. Description is definitely strength for you, which isn’t saying too much because lots of people can use flowy big words to describe. But when you describe what is going on I don’t get bored, you keep it entertaining and keep the language understandable and reasonable for the average reader (*would like to think of self as average reader*). So you are actually better than most of the “great” descriptive writers.

The chemistry was hot! You built up the tension to this huge climax and then came rushing down on us with a denouement and my jaw was literally hanging at the end. It was definitely right though, it was so much like Snape to do that. Even if I feel like I was just jerked off of the fun ride. Never once during the story did Snape leave his canon character…and that is impressive. Every Snape/Hermione fiction I’ve read he does something remotely romantic and then loses all credibility. You kept his romantics so subtle you really didn’t know he had them unless you could feel what Hermione was feeling (which we could because you describe her thoughts so well).

The harsh banter between them was good, I think that is a good way to keep the chemistry flowing while not turning Snape wishy washy. Your friend put it best, they act very naturally towards each other.

I had one small suggestion.

She growled in frustration, cursed herself for not tying it tauter.
I would specify what “it” is in this sentence (the ribbon in this case) because in the other sentences before it you are talking about the wind. While I do know what you are talking about it just sounds better if you defined “it”. Taut is an awesome world.

I loved the scene, the chemistry, and just the story in general. You are obviously a very captivating writer. I was drooling from start to finish. Nice job :)


Author's Response: *squees* *massive huggle* Ashley, love, this review means the world to me! I am so glad that you enjoyed it, that you liked it, that it captivated you. Those words just make me grin and blush and stammer! My worry on this story was that Snape was too mysterious, but you saying he was canon...let\'s just say I\'m probably the happiest person on earth right now, lol. Thank you so much, dearest, for the lovely, amazing and beautiful comments! *loves*

Your story really is improving, your writing has improved immensely since the first chapter, it's so impressive, you should be proud.

Because it needs to be said...poor poor Draco. Did I not tell you he would get angry and cause trouble again? But for pity's sake if Hermione treated him as a person and not as something that entertained her then maybe he wouldn't be "that way"...Poor Draco.

The last quote nearly broke my heart...because I'm guessing it's the last thing Harry said to Hermione before he disappeared. So sad..

Some more concrits (hopefully):
(he thought of himself as a manly man)
He saved the wizarding world and he needs to sleep with his shirt off to think of himself as a “manly man” Really? I thought it was silly to add this part in, I’d delete it, it needlessly detracts from the issue at hand.

“I thought I’d take a moment to return your book.”
This isn’t necessarily wrong but I thought this sounded kind of awkward. You take a moment to talk to someone about something serious, you take a moment to examine something, you take a moment to help someone out, I don’t think you take a moment to return a book, you just return the book. I thought it sounded a little weird, too formal, for him to say that. Again it’s not wrong just a preference.

On to part 2...see you there.

Author's Response: Thanks for your critiques! The one about the \"manly-man\" quote makes sense. I tend to humor myself when I write quite often so I make random comments, but it can lead to distractions. Thank you so much for continuing to review! I am glad you are enjoying my writing =)