11/06/04
Hey, I'm Ashley, I'm 21 and I'm starting law school in the fall. I have stepped away from fanfiction at the moment to work on and finish some original fiction projects. However I do respond to all reviews and check up on my stories from time to time. I hope you all enjoy. Comments Compliments,Complaints, Love Letters and Hate Mail are appreciated. My AIM is SomberBallad13 if you wanna reach me.
Thanks a bunch!
~Ashley~
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Behind those Emerald Eyes by makinmagic323
Rated: 6th-7th Years •Summary: Ten years have elapsed since Dumbledore's death and McGonagall has Hogwarts back on its feet again. Hermione and Malfoy both teach at the school. But when a new teacher is hired to teach Defense Against the Dark Arts, everyone seems to feel that they've met him before. A story of mystery, passion, friendship, and jealousy… not to mention that Harry Potter has been missing for ten years and Voldemort is dead. (All violence is mild).
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Thank you to all my reviewers!!!
Disclaimer: I own my imagination, JK Rowling owns Harry Potter.
Date: 08/22/07 Title: Chapter 8: Chapter 7: Part II: The Promise
Best chapter so far. I had chills reading through Harry/Hermione's goodbye. Wow, that was so well written and while a tad out of character to add to the shipping of this story it was still wonderful! Like I said I had chills, I felt like I was there with them. I'm loving the backstory, it's bringing something familiar in to this present time story. Why did she throw the necklace away though? I know I know...read on.
And one minor nitpick. If everyone in the class was supposed to be partners with the person on their right, in essence they would all be partners wouldn't they? Just think about it...
Part three then? See you there.
Author's Response: =) Glad you enjoyed it! I tried to clarify the meaning behind their goodbye on my author page, but I\'ll try to repeat it. When Harry and Hermione speak of how they love each other, it\'s not a romantic love at this point -- they are best friends, they tend to always argue, and now Harry is leaving and they are both sad, Hermione distraught, and Harry depressed that he has to leave those he loves. Your comment about the \"person on your right thing\" is so true. I just remember my teachers always saying that to me in grade school and thought it was funny =)
Date: 08/22/07 Title: Chapter 9: Chapter 7: Part III: The Necklace
Guh...that is so sad and so poetic and just oh, I'm devastated. I bet she regrets throwing away the necklace...because when you break those kind of ties even if you think can you just can't erase memories and she hates him and loves him and the same time and it's so hard. Wonderful flashbacks, they make the perfect additions to the story you are telling here.
But why hasn't Hermione realized it is him? She knows he might not be dead and when she heard him say those words to Sophie...why didn't it click that it just might be him. Silly Hermione...she used to be so much smarter!
Only one more chapter to go...then I'll just be depressed because I actually have to wait for you to update. Terribly sad. See you there!
Author's Response: Aw, I love hearing your reviews, whether priase or critique. I like to hear that my writing makes people feel emotion ^_^ Anyway, yes, Hermione is a little out of whack, but it will be expained =)
Date: 08/22/07 Title: Chapter 10: Chapter 8: Wizard's Chess
Okay so first of all, continuing this story isn't really an option for you...if I have to hunt you down I will, not even kidding, I"m too involved now for you to have writer's block or be discouraged or whatever it is that makes you think you can't continue...you have no choice...you HAVE to...hope that helps ;)
And as for lengthy reviews, well I don't think mine will be that long but let's see...
I adored you bringing back Wizard's Chess and how you worked it in to her character and their now more slowly moving romance, which I definitely prefer.
While some people might think that Hermione's change of heart ("to live" which was an extrordinarily used theme by the way) was sudden, I think you did a good job in describing her choice to live rather than to wallow in sorrow. It convinced me anyway, and you saw me last chapter, I was devastated. And i do like that you had her mourn for her friends though, it's a process she had to figure out how to go through on her own and she did and your explaination of all that was good.
What else? Hmm...
Useless, useless, useless. Skunk must have had a bloody boring before coming here. Pathetic.
Maybe Skunk “had a bloody boring life” or Skunk “must have been bloody boring”? What you have doesn’t really make sense, it looks like you are missing a word or something.
“A fair match? A fair match? My God woman, I’ve never been so sorely beaten in my life!”
This part made me laugh, I can just hear him saying that to her and it made me smile.
(a/n: physics class can be a joy and a pain)
Not an appropriate author’s not in the middle of the story. Maybe put a star next to it and reference your note at the bottom when you ask for reviews but actually adding the note in the story totally disrupts the flow of your writing. I’d say take it out right away!
But like I’ve said before you’ve improved immensely! These last two or three chapters have been phenomenal and I look forward to the next chapter soon (hopefully!) Thanks so much for sharing this story with us!
~Ashley
Author's Response: ^_^ Thank you again for the review! All your comments are immsensely appreciated =) Oh, and I did leave a word out there by accident. when I have time to edit I will make sure to put \"before\" in there. About your comment on their slowly evolving romance....it is true, but at the same time I\'m sure the next chapter will surprise you, if that doesn\'t give much away =)
Date: 04/22/08 Title: Chapter 11: Chapter 9: Part I: Moving Forward
Welcome back! I was really sad because I thought for sure you had abandoned this fic. That’s the risk you take joining the adventure from the beginning or halfway in though, if the writer doesn’t finish you’re just sunk.
This was a good chapter for your readers to come back to, it was full of mystery and chemistry and good characterization. I was pleased. However, I was so so so mad Hermione didn’t figure it out…she knew it was Harry and then she passed out and forgot….seriously? Do you hate me? A lot? Bah…
What else…oh, the whole twisting ankle thing is super cliché but it happens to be one I like a lot, so I completely forgive you for it. And it was kind of funny her whole thought process through that part when he walks into the room.
My biggest suggestion for this chapter would be to really consider the language you use sometimes. I feel like you use a lot of slang that is very unlikely for adults or professors to be using. I’ll point out a few examples in my “quote and comment” section coming up next, but I suggest making friends with Microsoft Word Thesaurus it is super helpful for thinking of synonyms to words that may sound more professional.
Okay, now for specific critiques…first of all, you changed the spelling of Lloyd like 15 times in the first part of the chapter, I’ll include all the misspellings that I saw but I might have missed some so re-read that again.
Will you please be quiet, Llyod!”
“Oh, I’m sorry Llyod. The next time you wish to inform me of a problem I seem to be having, please do so at your next reading lesson.”
Llyod nodded.
“Do you understand me, Llyod?”
Llyod nodded.
Bridget smiled, Llyod just nodded, and the two turned down the hall to their next class.
Next…
the firelight danced across the walls as if playing at** shadow puppets.
I would say “…the firelight danced across the walls as if playing with shadow puppets.” I don’t know how you play “at” shadow puppets.
Hermione began to trace invisible pictures in the rug, first drawing her parents, who were on holiday in Australia to visit Ginny,
Did I miss something? Or forget something? Why would Hermione’s parents be visiting Ginny? I’m so confused.
“Yeah…okay.” Sigh.*** “Well, I’m ready to play now.”
This mistake is due to the internet. You either need to say the thought which would make her sigh in the italics or you need to have her sigh out loud (or both). However I know I don’t think “sigh” to myself, I usually sigh and think about whatever is making me frustrated/sad/etc. The way you have it, you are having her think the word “sigh” which is very strange.
“You know Everett, it’s a perfectly reasonable question. You don’t need to go getting all pissed over it.”
Here is an example of the casual language I was talking about earlier. My out of character!Hermione radar went off the charts when I saw the word “pissed”. I just cannot see Professor Hermione Granger saying that word, it’s just so unclassy, and I like to think of Hermione as at least mostly class. Try angry/upset/freaked out or any other more formal variation of instead of “pissed”.
Accept*** maybe I do and I just don’t know how to answer in a way that will convince you otherwise.
I think you mean “except” here not “accept”, I’m 98% sure you want “except”.
Hermione’s eyes widening in alarm and the pitch of her voice began to rise.
“I never said anything about a widow—”
Lol, that is so Hermione. I just really liked her reaction here, it was perfect.
So I realize that was an exceedingly harsh (and long) comment but you’re just stretching your writing legs again. Just proofread a couple times beforehand because most of this stuff is just slipups. I know my beta is going to freak this summer when I continue writing my original fiction story, it’s been a long time since I’ve written so I’ll be rusty too. You’ll get better, I’ve seen you do it, so don’t worry, I’m not.
I’m looking forward to Part II sometime soon-ish I suppose (with the longer queues…ick). You do have an excellent story going on here, there is nothing to criticize about that, and I’m glad you are still writing it. See you at the next chapter I suppose and happy writing!
Author's Response: thanks for sticking with me!! now i\'m going to make awkward reponses to your comments with no transitions :)
Haha, I have to put a cliche in every now and then to amuse myself, glad you liked it as well! About the slang comment, I\'ll take it into consideration, but my use of the word \"pissed\" doesn\'t have to do with getting angry. Pissed is another word for getting drunk/intoxicated/etc, just so ya know. The Lloyd mishap was purely by accident, haha, but now that I notice it I think it\'s quite funny. Thanks for pointing it out though :) Hermione\'s parents are just vising Ginny because Hermione and her are friends. It wasn\'t made to be a huge thinking-thing, haha...yay for weird phrases! And yep, stupid mistake on the use of the word except. It happens sometimes. And I love the Hermione-widow comment! I love myself for thinking of it! Haha :) Your review was not harsh by ANY means. It was very helpful, pointed out my spelling/grammar mishaps, and was a joy to read! I love feedback! And hey, you learned a new vocabulary word =) Thanks for all the feedback and I hope to get part 2 up soon!
Date: 04/22/08 Title: Chapter 11: Chapter 9: Part I: Moving Forward
Oh, in response to another comment I saw. I really like the pace they are moving now, it's a lot more natural. I realize they are getting closer to a climax now but try not to rush it too much. ;)
Oh, and the Pansy in this chapter...not Parkinson is it? Maybe Draco doesn't have to be alone after all!? Yay!
*goes off to create more conspiracy theories*
Author's Response: Oh and I forgot on my last review...the reason I didn\'t answer your reviews right away but went on to the others is because your reviews make me have to think about my responses :) it\'s a good thing! Now to answering this one. I\'m glad you like the pace they are moving at now, but do realize it\'s VERY likely going to change in the next chapter. So...I guess I am \"rushing it,\" but in my defense it\'s been a long time in my story and the readers keep begging for something. But don\'t worry. It\'s not going to be an \"OMG I LOVE YOU\" kind of thing, haha. Ew for cheesiness, haha. That\'s just not my style :) About the Pansy... ;D
Date: 08/21/07 Title: Chapter 4: Chapter 4: Dangerous Liaison
I’m falling behind on chapters it’s terrible. And while I’m still reading and interested I have come bearing more critiques for your good writing as you are taking them so well. I am pleased :)
The whole class was shocked when the bogart blanketed the window
Just a typo here…boggart
And then I about nearly laughed out loud when you were talking about Harry’s chiseled body. Throughout the books Molly (and many others) call him skinny, scrawny, underfed. I doubt that in a short amount of time he has become a body builder? At least you had the scars but still I don’t think Harry is macho man, even if he was an auror he would just be slightly less malnourished.
Everett had either not heard Hermione’s question or had chosen not to answer it.
Actually Everett finished Hermione’s question…so he chose not to answer it…he definitely heard it, so this is incorrect.
And then it said Hermione was dangerously close to falling in love at the end and I’m thinking, ‘why?’ They can’t have a normal conversation or at least not one lacking in awkward silences and confusion. While there might be attraction on both sides why would she be in love with in this man that she knows little to nothing about (or at least…she thinks she doesn’t know him…obviously she knows Harry). I think you should flesh out her thoughts a bit on Everett and why she is dangerously close to falling in love with him. Is it because he reminds her of Harry? Or is it because he is paying her extra attention? I want to know!
I adore Malfoy’s character, I feel bad for him that this is not going well for him. He seems like a child but I think that makes sense since he is kind of “finding himself” again.
See you at the next chapter.
Author's Response: Thank you again for all your critiqing! The whole chiseled Landon thing, haha, this was for all those wishful thinkers out there =) I myself wrote it as a joke from Hermione\'s perspective, but have been planning to edit that paragraph to something more believeable once I finish the story. After taking a break from writing for a while due to personal turmoil in my life, I reread my story so far and have decided that the last line you mentioned is awkward. I\'m also going to fix that one I get around to editing my story. Thank you again for all the constructive criticism and I hope you will continue =)
Date: 08/21/07 Title: Chapter 5: Chapter 5: Deep Water
Poor Draco…*shakes head* I’m going to say that every chapter aren’t I? Not that I want him to be with Hermione but still…he seems like a sad little puppy in this story and I want him to be happy in the end. You need to find him a girl oh generous author.
Okay so apparently I judged too quickly last review on Hermione’s feelings for Harry as you adaquetely addressed them at the beginning of this chapter. Do you mind if I call him Harry? I know it hasn’t been “proven” yet but I’m pretty confident it’s him. And on that note I have kind of a rehotrical questions because there can be many answers for this that are quite reasonable. How come all the scars on “Everett” haven’t reminded her of Harry at all? I mean knowing Harry as well as she did she knows he had a lot of scars, emotionally and physically, not just the one on his head.
No, polyjuice potion is NOT strawberry-kiwi juice…nor is it the distant cousin of Beetlejuice three times removed…
That part was amazing, great little quip in the middle of that intense chapter. Again, poor Malfoy.
I thought for sure when you got to the part where Hermione couldn’t breathe that Harry was going to have to do mouth to mouth on her and while that would have been horridly clichéd you would have been my hero for it, I was almost a little disappointed that you didn’t but you avoided the tempting cliché so well done you’ve passed writing test that I would have failed.
Oh and that part on the end where Hermione feels the muscle in his shoulder…that is so classic, I don’t know if you’ve been told but girls actually do that, I am so guilty of it. I thought it was a nice realistic touch anyway. Even if Harry isn’t that muscular
.>
This is one of your best chapters yet, a lot more filling in of details, fleshing out the story. Your writing has improved much, I’m looking forward to the next chapter.
Author's Response: I\'m so glad to read another of your fantastic reviews! Draco, Draco, Draco....you need not worry about him ;] As for the mouth-to-mouth cliche...that\'s actually in another version of this chapter that I wrote for myself, haha! And he classic muscle-feel...I myself am uguilty of it ^_^ Thank you again for the wonderful feedback and I\'m to hear you are enjoying my imagination!
Date: 08/21/07 Title: Chapter 6: Chapter 6: Romance Discovered
A VERY good beginning of the chapter. I loved seeing the exchange between McGonagall and Dubledore and delving into Minerva's character a little bit more. I liked how Harry had to cope with Ron's death and how he couldn't be there and the hurtful memory of it all. There is more description less skipping in your writing now more details and less questions for me. I liked Hermione's picture of the Order. I love how you are giving us little mysteries now, like the thing Harry picked up in the lake, and what caught Harry's eye in the headmaster's office. What does Dumbledore really know? It's good, it's great!
My only complain would be the very quickly evolving romance you were doing so good and then boom! Hermione is all over him, that seems very unlike her, in fact I would have expected for Harry to make the first mood and it would have been a "slip up" for him, he just couldn't help touching her or holding her for so long you know?
And again as always, my poor poor Malfoy. I think I"m done for tonight, a few more chapters tomorrow to review.
~Ashley
Author's Response: When I see a review from you it makes me smile =) Okay, now for the response: Thank you! I worked really hard on this chapter and am glad to see it appears to be paying off. As for Hermione being all over Landon...when people are in a stressful situation, where their emotions have been playing with them and a person is in a state of they-don\'t-know-how-to-deal-with-it, things like what Hermione did in this chapter happen, It seems random and everything, but I kind of like it =) I like to write unlikely things, and the fact that you expected Landon to have made the first move just make it that much more satisfying to me. But your logic does make sense...so watch out in future chapters ;D
Date: 05/22/08 Title: Chapter 12: Chapter 9: Part II: Heated Blood
I don’t have a lot to comment on this chapter. Except if I were breaking and entering into someone’s flat I would totally do their dishes, I can’t stand that. And I’m just praying to God that Harry and Hermione aren’t going to sleep together in Part III of this chapter. Oh, and I want to know what is in the little blue book, because I think it actually does have something in it but maybe Malfoy just won’t understand.
And now a few typos and grammar things…
She sighed and quickly glanced over at Everett, his studious expression making him ever so more attractive.
Usually the phrase is “ever so much more”. If you don’t want to add the “much” then take out the “so” because the way it sounds now is strange.
Ah, this is a fool’s errand! But it must be done…I mustknow who Landon is, if indeed that is his name….
You skipped the spacebar between “must” and “know”
As it was several months since he had last thought of it, Everett didn’t noticed the missing necklace.
This sentence is just a mess…a few suggestions follow: “As it had been several months since he had last thought of it, Everett hadn’t noticed the missing necklace.” Or “As it was several months before that he had last thought of it, Everett hadn’t noticed the missing necklace.”
That’s all for now, I hope to see Part III soon. ~Ashley
Author's Response: Don\'t worry about part 3, although I think I\'m just going to make it it\'s separate chapter... Something will happen, but not that. As always, thank you for the constructive criticism and comments! I much appreciate it and always look forward to it =)
Date: 07/29/07 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1: Gingersnap Cookies
Okay fine, I was going to totally wait and review a few chapters at a time but since you insisted....
First impressions being....
It's entertaining, it's holding my attention, I wish I were reading the next chapter instead of writing you my first impressions. lol ;)
Umm...a lot of familiar things from my own fanfiction actually. Good descriptions of "Mr. Landon" (I'm going to venture at guess that it's Harry...but maybe it's a long shot in the dark).
The only thing I didn't like was the Draco situation how he "turned good" I think there were more natural avenues for you to persue in his character for him to come to the "right side" instead of a spell backfiring. You did try to make it seem un-cliche though...so it was a worthy effort and I will obviously accept it and move on.
Can I go on now, please?
Author's Response: haha, i like how you say you might be wrong, because you want to have an excuse if you are wrong =) but thank you for the lengthy feedback! i appreciate it =)
Date: 07/29/07 Title: Chapter 2: Chapter 2: Emerald Eyes
This is the last chapter I'm reading tonight.
The beginning with the Great Hall and such was fine, the mystery surrounding "Everett" good, and I even was thinking how I think I'll like having Malfoy the way he is in this book, he's kind of goofy, cute even, dare I say? Although I didn't think Hermione needed to be so cold to him, maybe it's habit though from her childhood days?
The plot seemed a little forced at the end of the chapter...
Why in the world would McGonagall think this stranger could break Hermione out of her shell? Furthermore, why does she care so much as to reveal Hermione's secrets to him especially when she doesn't even know him (she skipped the interview!). He could be psycho and he is teaching classes and counseling teachers?
Okay, that seemed really harsh, I just think there are more natural ways to move the plot along in this circumstance and it seemed kind of like a hop skip and a jump too fast for me.
Don't get me wrong, I'm reading on....in fact I think I will read Chapter 3 tonight. I hope you don't regret that you keep asking me to review, I'm trying to be helpful honest, I do like the story.
Author's Response: Hermione\'s treatment of Malfoy in this chapter was more of distraction and her focus on Everett, but it could be a habit from childhood. And don\'t even think that I wouldn\'t want you to review! Regarding the really quick plot change towards the end...let\'s just say that everything is for a reason in my story =)
Date: 07/29/07 Title: Chapter 3: Chapter 3: Black Cat
Aww Draco loves Hermione that is adorable. I've decided I love what you are doing with his character he's almost like a new character but an old friend at the same time. I think I will like him in this story...though I can see him getting evil again once well....I guess I'll let you tell the story.
I can't see Harry's *cough*Everett''s*cough* animagnus beiing a cat but I guess the form picks the wizard isn't it?
Good chapter...if I weren't so tired I'd read more I promise...and I will later, I'm putting it on my favorites list!
Author's Response: You can see him getting all evil again? Well, we shall see =) And I don\'t know if the form pics the wizard. I know it does for patronuses, but oh well. His animagnus is a cat in this story :] Looking forward to the rest of your reviews! You give great feedback!
Date: 07/12/08 Title: Chapter 12: Chapter 9: Part II: Heated Blood
I don't have much to comment on except for the fact that I think Hermione's reaction at the end of the chapter was an overreaction. All the captal letters are way over the top...she might be disappointed or frustrated (more at his refusal to talk to her than her not getting any mind you) but she wouldn't be shouting in unbridled rage like the all capitals imply. Not to mention she went from 0 to 60 so fast,she didn't even ask him if there was anything wrong, she just got angry...it seemed kind of OOC to me.
That's all, I hope we aren't doing silly review counts for the next chapter, I think it's clear that you have plenty of readers....and you just get spam reviews otherwise.
~Ashley
Author's Response: I understand what you're trying to say, so let me just give my side of the story =) Hermione's reaction at the end of the chapter was because she's really frustrated at Everett for never revealing anything about his life -- he's basically just a huge mystery to her. Because there's something between them and because of that issue, the whole thing just kind of erupted, kind of like Hermione's breaking point. My impression of Hermione from JKR's books is that she does tend to bottle up emotions, and they do erupt sometimes, like with Ron, etc.
Sorry about the review count from the last chapter. It's just one way for me to kind of buy more time so I can finish the next chapter without people emailing me about updating every few days or so. I don't plan on doing it anymore.
I really appreciate your comments and feedback about my writing, and take them into account when writing the next chapters, so keep it up =) I really like how if you don't like something, you let me know - those comments especially help me to improve my writing. Thanks a bunch!
When The Church Bells Ring by TheVanishingAct
Rated: 3rd-5th Years •
Summary: What no one else could do, she will, when the church bells ring.
Date: 01/17/07 Title: Chapter 1: One-Shot
Oh my God, Patrick! This story is so utterly amazing, you are so freaking amazing. Wow! It was worth the wait, it was a very very too long wait, but it was worth it. I don't know how i would have went on living if you hadn't written this story...seriously...it is so good. Your writing is so smart and deep, I read it again and find something I didn't see the first time. That is real talent you have Patrick, I can't get over how amazing you are and how in touch with Cho you are. You write her like no one else does, to you she is a real person and not some silly wind up doll. It's incredible. All her lines were filled with emotion and heart. These two were my favorite though:
“We both lost, Lucius. Let us end it here.”
"Lucius, I gave you a chance to repent."
She is so cold, an ice queen made by the war.Lucius didn't even have a chance to see what she was doing...and it was over. She was brilliant, exactly how any of us would be if we lost everything.
I like reading your stuff Patrick, it makes me feel smart and i Feel more in touch with characters that you right. I love Cho, now that I've read this and Burn Away the Memories. There is something magical about your stories. I can't really put it in words except that you are incredible. You have a gift, and I can't wait to see/hear about your original fiction, it's going to be mind-blowing, I just know it.
Author's Response: *hugs* Thank you SO much Ashley. I heart you forever, and I glad you liked it :D
If I Fall by Cinderella Angelina
Rated: 1st-2nd Years •Summary: When Hermione runs (in a loose sense of the word) into Oliver Wood years after leaving Hogwarts, she thinks that nothing's changed about him. The more time she spends with him, though, she more she realizes that he's different after all -- or perhaps she never noticed who he was.
This story is based on an Aqualung song of the same title.
Date: 07/01/07 Title: Chapter 1: ...will you catch me?
Guh! Leslie, this is so good!
Oliver is adorable, just making want to melt into a puddle over here. I want an Oliver Wood…
Hermione and Oliver were very well characterized to fit the change they’ve made since Hogwarts. I like that while you mentioned the time was after the war you didn’t burden us with all the details of what happened, because so many stories do that when they don’t need to, that’s not what this story is about. So thank you!
My first thoughts while reading the beginning were…”Harry wouldn’t let her practice flying all by herself!” (the H/Hr shipper in me won’t die!) and *sigh* Darn that Ginny and Harry! But H/Hr got banished to the back of my mind while reading this because Hermione and Oliver had amazingly believable chemistry and you didn’t beat us poor Harmony shippers over the head with Harry/Ginny lovey doveyness, so thanks so much :)
Now I shall do my traditional singling out lines to make comments on….
“Oliver Wood,” Hermione remarked. “Well, I’m grateful at least that I’ve seen you before in my life — which has been lengthened by your opportune arrival.”
While I understand what you are trying to say in this line, it seems all confuddled, like you are trying to show you are way smarter than me so you said this line a fancy way…but you might want to dumb it down for simple people like me, because I’d like to think I’m not any stupider than the average fanfiction reader.
…they had the brilliant idea of holding the wedding in the air, on broomsticks…
You are so brilliant, Harry and Ginny would have a wedding in the air. I was so impressed by this idea.
“Oh, so it’s not just your latent inability to accept failure at anything,” Oliver said, chuckling.
This made me laugh, it was kind of mean in a way for having just met her again for the first time in a long time, but it still made me laugh, I liked it.
“Oliver Wood! How is he doing these days?”
Ginny’s reaction to Hermione falling from a broom almost to her death…*blink*…what about “Oh thank God you are okay?” (or thank Merlin, whatever) or “it was a good thing he was there” I don’t know, it seemed kind of completely unsympathetic for being her best friend and all. Then again I think Ginny is kind of mean so….well I would write this…but I don’t think normal people hate Ginny as much as I do.
Someone crept up behind her and traced a thin scratch on her face that she’d tried to hide. “You didn’t have that last time I saw you,” murmured a familiar voice.
*did not melt and blush at the same time* Oh yes…it’s possible. *fans self* So sexy….
So, congratulations girly, this is the first review I’ve written(maybe not spew worthy but not half bad if I do say so myself) and fanfiction I’ve read in a long time…and it was fantastic. It was a well written chemistry and romance and I thoroughly enjoyed it. You should be proud :)
Author's Response: This review is totally SPEW-worthy. And it means a lot to me that you wrote it for me, you have no idea. Sorry it took me so long to respond...*cough*...and this is going to be short too because I keep timing out in the middle of it. Thank you, Ashley darlingest dear. :) *D*
The Book of Venom by Insecurity
Rated: Professors •Summary: Eighteen months after the Final Battle, Hermione Granger is struggling with the expectations placed upon her as 'the greatest witch of her age'. Stuck in a job she doesn't really want, she is given the task of locating an ancient book that the Ministry fears contains Magic's greatest evils. Now, as a young woman, she finds herself embarking upon a dark and dangerous adventure without Harry or Ron's support.
Lucius Malfoy has just been released from Azkaban Prison after being found innocent. His main priority is to re-establish his once highly prestigious position within Wizarding Society. However, Narcissa and Draco have both changed since the war and he discovers that the idyllic family household that he once enjoyed power over is gone forever.
Please note: This will result in a romance between my two leading characters at some point in the story, though I promise it isn't the absolute focus point as it is in Warmth
Date: 05/20/08 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1
A promising story Laura, and though this prologue of sorts doesn’t hold a lot of action in it, your beautiful and descriptive writing generously makes up for it. I don’t know anyone who captures Lucius quite like you do, he is just as evil and calculating yet I couldn’t help but feel horribly sorry for him as he investigated his rotting mansion. It made me wish that with a flick of his wand the Malfoy’s glory could be restored, and then I though well that’s silly, no one really wants that. And then I thought, I am thinking far too much about this…these people aren’t real. *shakes head*
A couple of specific lines I wanted to comment on…
If Shakespeare had not been dead for nearly four hundred years, he would have written a sonnet about such a day.
I just really liked this description, it stood out to me.
These next two lines sounded very strange to me and I read them out loud a couple times and I don’t think the grammar is quite right but I could be completely wrong as well as grammar is not my strong point. The lines just didn’t sound right to me though so maybe you could double check with your beta? Or call me crazy…whatever…
Lucius’ heart sunk
I think it should be ‘Lucius’ heart sank’
The thought of the family sat together for a meal sickened him.
This line really threw me….I think it should be ‘The thought of the family sitting together for a meal sickened him’
Like I said, I might be crazy, if so, disregard.
Muggles had been having sex on his bed!
I thought this line was awfully blunt for Lucius, I mean I guess there are only so many ways you can put it but I just could not picture him saying (or thinking) something like this. I have no suggestions which I know is maddeningly unhelpful but your genius can think if something else here?
That’s all for this chapter, I look forward to seeing this story unfold, so please don’t abandon it. *coughlikeWarmthcough*
Author's Response: OMGSQUEEEE! Ashley is back! I can\'t believe this, girl, I have such a whopping great big smile on my face! I had a really bad day so this review has cheered me up to no end. Firstly, you\'re right about the changes you\'re suggesting ... awkwardness and plain wrongness on my part =P (and I call myself a moderator *snort*) The last line I deliberated over for quite some time, because like you say it is a little too blunt for Lucius. What I wanted to capture was his sheer outrage at the situation; yes, his house had been ransacked but this felt like much more of a personal violation. I will think about it and tweak it if I can think of something better. Maybe, instead of him being so forthright in accepting that this has happened, he turns away and tries to deny what he saw? That would be more Lucius, right?\r\n\r\nI really hope to stay with this story properly. I submitted it this week in time for the end of my exams and I have a new chapter to go up soon. *Hopefully* I won\'t run out of inspiration or time!\r\n\r\nThank you again for cheering me up! *hugs*\r\nLau