One year later…

…and this is meant to be a quick review. *frowns at her utter lack of conciseness*

Oh, and I’m up to chapter 6!

The first thing that struck me was that DoL clearly isn’t written for younger teenagers. It’s written in the same style, maturity and depth as any of the novels that come from your smoky attic (with the exception of Dan Brown, of course; he’s far more a sophisticated and talented writer than you! Lol!). DoL stands out against the many other chaptered fics on MNff as one that competes with the quality of JKR’s writing and, yes, I am going to say it, does indeed exceed JKR. Instead of copying JKR’s characters, you take their key features and develop them into your own, and weave a very interesting plot around them.

The opening descriptions of chapters one and three are magnificent. Not only your attention to detail but the way you lace metaphors and personification into the imagery. In both cases, you were not describing a magical place but the descriptions enhanced the place to the point where it was magical, and I was yearning to step into the story and visit it. You successfully breathe life into Abbeylara with the same eloquence as I have seen in novels by the Bronte sisters and Dickens. It’s this type of beauty that keeps a place in someone’s mind forever. You are extremely talented.

Something I have grown to expect from you, and something I really love, is the way you manage to put snippets of humour into the narrative. These are often very subtle and show a glimpse of your own lively and funny personality. It successfully helps to break up a very lengthy description and so lightens the mood of what at the beginning is a very dark fic. One example in chapter 3 (I think) is how Muggles would see “an ageing Ford Mondeo car with a slightly bent bumper and a broken wing mirror.”

Maeve is a very unique character insofar as she is fiery and highly attractive, but she’s been suppressed to the point where this is only a flickering flame. For seventeen years Maeve has been unable to make a proper decision, perhaps not only because of her father but her own fear of independence. You manage to evoke a great amount of pity for her without Maeve herself being self-piteous – a very difficult thing to achieve. All her apprehensions and fears are handled sensitively making her a very realistic character. One thing I would say, however, is that she might need to be slightly more uptight and slightly less trusting of Dumbledore, Severus and Remus to begin with, due to her lack of social interaction. Perhaps have her dialogue more clipped and sharp and make her a little more on edge during her journey to Hogwarts.

Both Severus and Remus are very much in canon. I love how you draw contrasts between the loving, caring and open Remus and the cold, reserved Severus who lurks in doorways. The jealousy that Severus feels already is marvellous, and it makes me giggle because he is behaving exactly how I expected he would. The history behind Maeve and Severus’ relationship makes it all the more interesting. It is clear Maeve still has feelings for him – I like how she described her fantasy of a ‘picture of Severus’ and I can imagine her longing for him for years after they parted! How disappointed she must have been, bless her! I also like how Severus’ hatred of Remus is growing, and I believe he feels threatened by Remus because he is isn’t scared of his feelings. Severus keeps returning to the issue of him being a werewolf in order to demean him and his security around his own feelings, which is something that Severus does in canon, to some degree. Remus, on the other hand, is the same gentlemen who gives unconditionally and blames himself too much. I often find him a boring character but you give him a lot of life.

There were times when I did feel you became a little too descriptive and it broke the flow of your chapter. There are the odd occasions when I felt you needed to push it along a little. Firstly, in chapter one your description of Malachy Meany’s visit is too complex – you dwell on detail’s that happened a long time before and I did begin to get a little confused. Perhaps simplify it; state that he has a connection to Maeve’s father but uphold more mystery around him. I did, however, like how you conveyed Maeve’s insecurity around him. Secondly, in chapter 3 you describe a lot of detail about Maeve’s bedroom. It’s all beautifully described but does become slightly verbose. By the end of the description, I was forgetting what had been said at the beginning. Condensing it and breaking it into smaller paragraphs might help.

Also, you sometimes have a long piece of dialogue that you follow on with a narrative of the events. This isn’t incorrect, but I think it would be clearer if you separate out the narrative from the dialogue so to make it easier for your reader to follow.

And finally, in chapter 5 I think Snape is a tad too angsty when he visits Maeve at the cottage. I understand why he visited her and that he was irritated by the situation but he lost his self-control very easily. I would have liked to have seen him uphold it for longer and then lose it gradually as the conversation progresses. The caps lock didn’t help ;-)

Okay, the end. Was that short enough? I think I have some kind of syndrome where I can’t write a short review. It’s just impossible. And I understand that you wrote this beginning some two years ago, and so I feel like the biggest pain in the ass with my concrit. Lol. But I really do love your writing and I am going to keep bugging you with these reviews all summer. So get used to it!

*Giggles* As much as I adore Snape, I also love to read stories that make a mockery of him. This was very amusing - especially the bit where Albus and JKR sort of bully him into giving Harry a good grade. Very funny. One little nitpick: Jello is distinctly American. Although, this is a humor fic and in no way should be taken seriously, so you are forgiven. It provided me with a little giggle - certainly a contrast to the doom and gloom Snape that I've been writing.

Hey, I like it so far, it's different to many of the romance fics I've read. I will keep checking back to see if you update it.

Author's Response: Thanks

I re-discovered your writing a couple of says ago, having read “The long Wait” over six months ago (and absolutely loved it – it strengthened my faith in Hermione and Snape as a credible couple.) The first chapter of this story, I would describe as “fluff” The tone you set is playful, and I would even go so far as saying Hermione’s affections are innocent towards her potions professor – it is a teenage crush! From this G-PG first section you move into an R rated second chapter, with sexual content no longer disguised with subtlety. I have my concerns about this, as you’ve turned fluff into smut and it may unnerve younger readers who were misled by your first chapter. I suggest if you were doing a one-shot in two halves like this you keep the maturity level consistent.
To say Severus Snape was not a lucky man would have been the understatement of the millennium. Not only had he spent the last twenty years putting his life on the line spying for the Order, but he also spent the last six-and-a-half years having to keep watch over Harry-bloody-Potter.
You set the tone of the story well with this introduction. When I read this I knew it wasn’t going to be a heavy story, it something for humour and light entertainment. You don’t try and introduce many deep issues in the story, you just inform the reader of the context and assume we will accept the rest. I like this, many people feel the need to say exactly what happened in the war before they can commence their one-shot – instead you only told us what was necessary. I love your phrasing of “Harry-bloody-Potter” – mocking Harry for the sake of us Snape fans.
The ingredient was nothing special, really — just some baby’s breath
I know this isn’t an important part of your story but I wonder why baby breath would be in the greenhouses. It may be better to say something a little more typical – like Mandrake Root. Although, just thinking about it further, it does fit in with the “rag doll” theme and innocent sexuality. The idea of “breath” has some connotations. I suggest you re-locate the scene to the hospital ward – a more credible place to find this ingredient.
It was the most adorable thing she had ever seen, and it looked just like Professor Snape. She bent down and picked it up. She cradled it in her arms like a baby.
This is a very child-like image of Hermione, and considering her age a tad OOC. But I do excuse this because of the theme of your story – it does show a side of her that wants affection and warmth. The image is very striking, she is a gentle person and this contrasts very starkly with the thoughts Snape is thinking.
‘If I’m going to die,’ he thought, ‘I may as well die in the arms of a soft, wonderful smelling, sweet…Ahh, no, bloody hell!’
I am unsure whether Snape would express his thoughts in this way. He is more likely to be less jumpy and worried about death. My perception of him is that he isn’t someone who is interested in “soft” and “wonderful smelling” things. He also wouldn’t shout something out like “bloody hell.” This does add humour to the piece but be careful to keep the humour within the character’s personality. Snape has a very sly and sarcastic way of expressing his discontent, often very subtle.
“Fucking furball,' thought Severus.” and “What if that twat Longbottom fucked up the spell, and it never wore off?”
I really should not be one to preach about using explicit language, but in this story I do not see it necessary. If you had toned down this and the sexual content you would have been able to uphold the theme you created in your first chapter. I also don’t think Snape would refer to Neville as “that twat” or Crookshanks as a “fucking furball.” Remember that whilst your readers may be in majority teenagers, you still need to uphold the adult vocabulary in order to make Snape’s character credible.
She was awed at the workmanship of his clothes. Whoever made this small doll certainly did a fabulous job.
I thought this part was very cute. It brings back to the theme of innocence, and enhances the magic of the spell that’s been cast upon Snape. I can imagine the little doll in my mind and the way in which Hermione cherishes it. As an over-emotional teenager, I am someone who loves to keep hold of a picture of my loved one, and used to keep it under my pillow. This doll represents her sugar-coated image of Snape – the one she idolises and fantasises about. By hugging the doll I see her dependency of him and how she may be deceived into thinking he has a softer side.
It was normal for him to disappear after his last class on Fridays. He would regularly spend most of his weekend inside his private quarters.
Hermione’s ability to track Snape’s routine is very interesting. It is typical behaviour of someone who has an obsession to track down their routine. I often find it comforting to know what my certain somebody is doing at each point in time. You also uphold Snape as a very private man and allusive man – very true to the books.
Upon her graduation, Hermione was given the first and only apprenticeship in Potions granted by Professor Severus Snape. After serving as his apprentice for one year, she took her exam and became not only the youngest Potions Mistress ever, but Mrs. Hermione Snape.
I’d say this “happily ever after” conclusion was a tad cliché and isn’t really necessary. The story has been very cheeky and mischievous so far and so concluding it with the idea of them sneaking around after each other would have been better. You seem to stamp normality onto the one-shot with this final paragraph, rather than leaving it in its obscurity of before. Don’t be afraid of leaving the story open at the end, you don’t always have to tie everything up nicely.

I thoroughly enjoyed reading and reviewing this story. It makes a change to all the “doom and gloom” that I have been both reading and writing lately. Good luck with your writing, you show a lot of talent and I am sure you can go far if you chose it as a career!

Author's Response: You certainly put some thought into this review. But I have to say, I really didn't set out to make any statement here. I wrote this after seeing a drawing of Hermione holding a Snape doll. While I respect your opinion on whether Snape would or would not use any of the words he expressed here, I don't like to adhere a lot to what most would consider canon. It is my opinion that fanfiction is here for us to be able to portray characters in different ways. I also feel that there is too much about Snape we do not know, so while he is in this very improbable situation, there is no real way of knowing just how he would react. Thank you for the compliment on my writing, I do appreciate it. In my reading and writing of stories I like to tie things up, its just the way I am. I don't like to be out there wondering what might have happened, its just me. Fear has nothing to do with it. I have written a couple of stories in which I stear away from my normal style, just to be different. I don't post here anymore and if you would like to read something a bit different I post now on The Petulant Poetess. There are many stories and writers there you might enjoy.

I've thoroughly enjoyed reading this story so far, despite the ships not being my favourites. The prologue was very picturesque, it reminded me of my visit to Yosemite, California. A very good job, it sets the scene really well. I am very intrigued into what will happen next with young Rhea, she is a very interesting character. One thing I think you do need to consider, however, is her maturity, as at the age of eleven you wouldn't be calling your father "Daddy" anymore. I think the conversation at the end of chapter 2 could have been a little more dynamic, showing a bigger range of emotions from her. I really love the fan fictions structure. The idea of time travel helps a story, with many offensive issues, to be broken up and prevents the themes from being too overwhelming. It's certainly interesting to see how Harry reacted in contrast to Neville. One thing I would say though, is that after such a traumatic ordeal it's doubtful Ginny would trust a man strong enough to marry him, it would have been better to leave it a year or two.

Author's Response: First of all, thank-you for your review! You've raised a couple of points I'd like to address. I'm 27, I still call my father "daddy". I think it depends on context and I think Rhea is so amazed and in such a state of shock, that she says daddy because she isn't thinking.

The other thing I'd like to address is Ginny. We have really only seen the "ordeal" from Harry's point of view. I'm not ready at this point to delve more into Ginny's character (I'd rather return to Rhea and Sara for awhile) but I think when I do go back to Ginny's storyline, you'll better be able to understand her decisions. I can say that she feels as sorry for Harry as Harry feels for her.

Yay! Another brilliant chapter! The mood has changed, the conversation between Harry and Siobhan highlights the dangerous world they now live in and nicely reminds the reader that it won’t all be fun and games. I like how you’ve shifted the focus away from Draco for a chapter and by having her interact with Harry we are beginning to see more depth. Harry is very true to the book, although I personally may have portrayed him as a little more tense and jumpy at Siobhan’s speculation. I like how you’ve given a small piece of Siobhan’s history, dangled it in front of the reader, and then abruptly taken it away without revealing everything that happened. This chapter isn’t as “exciting” as previous ones, but I can see you are building it up more now, it’s starting to take shape.

In the aftermath of the encounter with Draco, Siobhan had not yet had to deal with him any further.
This opening sentence could be worded better, in my opinion. Possibly: “Siobhan didn’t have to deal with Draco after their encounter in the Common Room.” Possibly include a sentence about how relieved she is about this.

Seeming pleased at having made progress with her, he had reduced his advances to mere flirtations and directed his attention to keeping Pansy Parkinson dangling on a string – after all, he could not afford to lose his faithful lapdog after the years of adequate, but consistent, service she had provided him.
This is quite a tongue twisting sentence that I believe could be broken down a little better. I like her perception of Draco, so brutally honest as she lays bear his crude intentions. I think you could have gone into a little more detail, giving a few examples of how Pansy had been around him lately and whether he reacted different to her after his “seduction” of Siobhan.

He had been using her since he learned how to operate his equipment.
I found this line humorous, a feminist twist on the chauvinistic male, subtly degrading his manhood and showing Siobhan’s criticism of a woman who allows herself to be used by men like Draco.

Siobhan wondered how Hogwarts would get everything done if students starting abiding the rules and teachers no longer had the excuse of detention to delegate menial tasks upon them.
I loved this line because it is very true to the school I am in. I sincerely believe that the teachers love to give a detention just so they know that one tedious task has been taken off their hands. Siobhan’s scepticism and view of adults is intriguing, she can see their faults as easily as she can see her fellow students’ – such an astute observer! One nitpick though – I had to look up the meaning of “menial” and I believe it would be better to use “boring” so as not to confuse some of your readers.

The air was filled with thoughts floating above each of their heads, thoughts that wanted to be shared.
I love this line because it has a minimalist style whilst creating a mystic image in our minds. Your descriptions are not over-powering but they are still very vivid. Here you’ve managed to portray their desire to open up to one another really well.

Their agenda was brought on by a desire for dominance and a mistaken sense of superiority and they quenched their thirst for power with the blood of others.
This description of the Death Eaters is wonderful – not only because of your accurate portrayal but also because it is coming from Siobhan’s POV. How interesting that Siobhan, the girl infatuated by Lucius Malfoy, would hate his vocation so passionately. The idea of “mistaken sense of superiority” is a brilliant way of showing the aloofness of the aristocracy, especially considering the aloofness of Siobhan – she can distinguish between her own superior attitude, stemming form her own confidence, and the attitude of the corrupted Death Eaters.

His green eyes were stormy as they rested a moment on the stone wall of the room; his discordant emotions were swirling and clashing within him.
Lovely piece of imagery! Of all the different ways his eyes are described in various fan fictions – this is one of the most unique and striking. This one sentence sums up Harry’s heartache and uncomfortable situation very well.

Very much at the expense of their mutual blonde-haired nemesis.
I’m glad you ended the same way you began – taking the mess out of that wimpy little thing I am beginning to despise. It adds a light humour at the end of a very serious fan fiction. It helps the reader realise that this fan fiction will have serious elements but isn’t all doom and gloom!

Now I am going to adopt the role of eager fan girl – UPDATE SOON PLEASE! Good luck with everything back home, and keep writing!

Author's Response: Thank you, as always, for the splendid review. I appreciate the suggestions - particularly the first one, and I might just have to steal your wording. That is, of course, if I ever get around to editting it. *cough*. I'm very much appreciative of the positive, too; you provide such wonderful analysis. *giggles*.

Just popping in a small review, just to say how much I adored this chapter! Call me silly but I found your food choice rather interesting... oysters being a food of love that both Siobhan and Lucius do not like (the only thing on her mind is lust! And does he have the capability to love?) Lamb as the chosen alternative --- interesting, seeing as it's a sign of sacrifice and purity. And we all know that Siobhan's plan is bound to go wrong, her naivety and obsession is bound to cause trouble. She is playing with fire. Oooh, loving it so far.

Author's Response: Oh, wonderful observation! Siobhan and Lucius both are both rather philophobic [Philophobia: fear of falling in love], and they divert their attentions with lust. I think all people are capable of love. Siobhan convinces herself that she has no need for love as a defense mechanism for being alone, when really she longs for friendship and intimacy. Lucius sees love as a weakness. Lamb is really just one of Siobhan's favourite foods. And yes - she's playing with fire, and she's going to get burned. ;)

When I read the summery, discovering which characters you'd chosen to pair, I wondered how you would manage to pull this off. You gave only minimal backstory (I would have preferred you to give some more precise detail as to their relationship's history) and you allowed the story to be focused on their desires. It made for a very in-depth study of their interaction, making them by the end a plausible couple.

I would be more careful with phrasing. Creating a romantic atmosphere is difficult. You used good adjectives that set the tone well and the image of the orange was very well-written, although lacking subtelty in places. However, you made a few inappropriate references, such as "bloke" and "in the buff" . These are Briticism's but in a romantic chapter they do not work, they're slang terms that I doubt people like Lupin or Ginny would use, so are best left out. Your wording could also be a little sharper, a few times I didn't quite understand what you were trying to express. Try not to be too long-winded, you want to keep your reader lingering on a thread but you don't want them falling off the thread completely.

Lupin's character was intriguing to say the least. His self-conscious trait suited very well, I imagine Lupin to be a very bashful person around intimacy. I also liked how Ginny didn't push him into anything, her dialogue was suggestive without being obvious. This gave the reader enough of the passion to grab on to, without rushing into the action too early.

The humour you included complimented the story very nicely. I especially liked the reference to Red Riding Hood, and the muddle between that and The Three Little Pigs. It added a theme of innocence and childhood playfulness into this story, which is very important cosidering he is somewhat older than her. Ginny's youth is evident, and her vunerability that goes alongside it. I'm glad you didn't portray her as an obvious tart, like I've read in too many fan fictions.

I'm glad I read this story, as it gives me a feel for how to go about my own chapter. Passionate scenes, I beleive, are the most awkward - if you don'tspend time to do them right it just flops. But yours did not flop! It showed great talent - keep up the good work!

Author's Response: Thank you for the very detailed review - those are the kind of reviews I live for! I am just curious, did you happen to read 'Into Temptation'? Private Universe was a sequel to that story, and there was more 'set-up' of the relationship in it. I wish you luck in your own writing ventures - 'passionate' scenes are hard to write. My main goal in PU was to keep it as tasteful as possible, which considering what you are writing, is probably one of the biggest challenges I have ever undertaken. Thanks again!

Wow! I really enjoyed that! Being a fan of SS/HG I've read countless of stories and by now they're beginning to bore me. However, this one was just really funny - I've never read about a Snape who is addicted to tea before! Unlike with many humour fics, I was laughing my socks off! Snape is certainly not romantic but yet strangely appealing. I don't think I would have been able to resist - lol! Your jokes were all very well thought out and suited the characters. I also liked how you had Charlie as the fiancee, instead of chosing the obvious - Ron. You made his character very believable as well, without us ever meeting him, I actually pitied him in the end. The bit that really made me smile though, was how you were quoting famous Muggle's like Oscar Wilde, and then in the end included a quote by Dumbledore - certainly the wisest of them all. I don't know if I can find any criticism, which is unusual for me. I really did enjoy it!

An interesting fan fiction. By half way through I'd assumed it was Draco, and I was beginning to think it a little out of character for Draco to be crying and acting vunerable infront of a girl. It makes sense taht Ron would be, although I'm still confused as to how he got involved with Pansy and the D.E's. I liked how you decribed Ron as a boy, rather than a young man, as it illustrated his naivety and the juvanile choice he made.
I like how you took a risk; making it almost plausible for Ron to betray his friends, and giving it that surrealism at the end that concluded the mystery. Your descirption of Pansy was very vivid , she came across true to the book character whilst giving her a sinister edge that JKR hasn't.
The descriptions of the night and the park were good but I beleive you could have pushed it further. You could have put more into how he was feeling, the way he reacted to small details of his surrondings and the sensations he was having. The details you gave needed fleshing out a bit more.
I certainly think this is a strong one-shot, something people will either love, hate or ponder over for a few hours. You have a talent for this genre, so keep perfecting your technique.