I have to say, it is a beautiful story, in so far as you’re writing style and the fluency of the chapter. I couldn’t call the theme beautiful – it portrays the depressing tone of HBP at the beginning and gradually builds up the tension well, showing Draco’s dismay perfectly.

“He cannot kill you if you are already dead. Come over to the right side…”

I loved these words of wisdom from Dumbledore (I am assuming it’s Dumbledore who speaks them, yet I like how you leave it open to interpretation.). They are so pure in content but yet ambivalent. I see a metaphorical death in the idea of Draco joining Voldemort’s forces, possibly an allusion to “Death Eater”. The forgiving side of Dumbledore in this simple quote is made clear, and it becomes even more painful for the reader to bare his death. I would have liked to have heard more of Dumbledore’s voice creep into Draco’s mind, possibly showing his guilt-ridden conscience, yet I can see that his words are not respected by Draco - they fell on closed ears.

Draco had had a task and failed to carry it out.

I promised to be nitpicky (but not an anal-retentive because that sounds nasty). I know that using two had’s are technically correct but I personally always try and avoid it. Try simplifying it to: “Draco had been given a task and he had failed to carry it out.”

And now, with a nose pressed against a cool window, he was doomed.

I love the image this presents. I see a very child-like Draco, with his blonde hair sticking to the condensation on the window and his blue eyes wide but vacant. A lovely but simple image that sums up his bewilderment. Nothing matters to me except justice. So, I’ll kill him. Even if it kills me, I’ll see his fallen body.

This vow from Narcissa is interesting. You portray her in a very desperate light, her honour and comfort gone and due to the apparent death of her son she is left with nothing. I’m not sure if she would have the courage to act out the promise she makes here, although she undoubtedly wants to. Your use of “justice” is intriguing, seeing as she’s been married to a very unjust man and lived a very comfortable life due to his deceitful career. I’m not sure if Narcissa understands the meaning of words like justice, maybe revenge, or maybe she doesn’t know the difference between the two. “Narcissa, you speak of foolishness!”

This line doesn’t sound “Snape” enough for me. I think being more direct – “Narcissa, don’t be a fool” would be better.

“I haven’t met my end… Mother, don’t do this! He tried to open his mouth to shout to her. Surely his desperation was strong enough to remove him from his paralysis.”

Emily you have managed something that nobody else has ever done… You’ve managed to make me feel sorry for Draco! My heart bled for him during this chapter. I wanted him to snap out of his frozen state and comfort his mum. The way he silently screams at her during her ordeal is very powerful; it creates such a dualist perspective, the mourning mother and the desperate son. And Snape just watching it all… unfeeling… I would hate him if I didn’t love him.

Snape seemed to be going into the kitchen. Draco heard him pause and say, “The potion will be wearing off, soon, Draco.” I love this line. It took me a while to realise that the potion was in his food… otherwise I was going to criticise you for using potion when it was a spell. Very cheeky! Snape really kills the tone of this chapter with these simple words, making Draco look like a melodramatic fool. You uphold Snape’s character throughout and I have to praise you for this. His dialogue throughout reveals nothing about his true feelings, you don’t allow us to see any good part of him – which for me, a huge Snape fan, is good. I’m getting sick of reading him as being “a nice guy deep down.”

I will be reading your second chapter soon, I promise. This is the best post-HBP story I have read by a mile, it is realistic, sinister but at the same time has a uniqueness that will make it a classic! Good luck with it! *hopes the review is formatted okay*

Author's Response: I think I had already told you that your review made me giggle. Just the little lines here and there. :) I must say, you fit right in with Spew with that novel! Hee hee. I'm glad you liked the chapter. Makes me smile. I hope you'll keep reading. Talk to you soon. :)

This story certainly touched on the two major themes of the books - death and love. You created a very intimate relationship between the two, I especially liked the imagery you used of the decaying love for Dumbledore due to death. You managed to show a solemn and never-ending battle between the two, and I'm glad love had the upper-hand in the end due to Ginny. You integrated the quote of the challenge very well but I would liked you to have elaborated on it more. You could have given us something about how Ginny was feeling.

You gave plenty of thorough descriptions, going into great depth into Harry's feelings. I'm not too sure about him feeling depressed at the end of Ootp, he wasn't chipper but he wasn't over-wrought with misery either. You need to be careful when describing Harry as miserable, he is thick-skinned and I think there is a certain pragmatic aspect of her personality, whereby he accepts that it is a war and there will be some death. However, you are right to show that in the case of Dumbledore and Sirius, it is difficult for a teenager to comprehend death due to the love he felt. It is interesting to see how love effects a persons reaction towards a death, unlike in your first paragraph where you almost dismiss the killing spell, showing how easy it is to kill. A very good but subtle comparison!

Your sentence structure needs revising. I can tell how you became absorbed into you writing so much that you wanted to continue saying everything. However, some sentecnes were too long and not clar to understand. You began the story very well, the first paragraph was very striking and it drew me into the story immediatly. However the focus was lost in the middle and end of the fan fiction. You need to be careful about this, sometimes it is best to only do it a section at a time so that each piece gets your maximum amount of concentration.

Overall it is a challenging piece, evoking many strong emotions and themes that reflect the mood for the end of HBP.

Author's Response: thank you so much for this. it really helped a lot. and i agree with your assessment, especially looking back on it. I wrote the story in one sitting without stopping or revising (i have since learned to revise, don't worry) and i have been working on some other stories. i will definitely take everything you said into account! thanks so much!

This made for a very interesting one-shot, mainly because you concentrated on an action scene without it being the over-used final battle. You maintained a very quick pace throughout the story, allowing the reader to feel every bit of Lupin's pain. Poult was a very unique character, I like how her views of being a werewolf differed from that of Lupin's but yet at the same time I can see how she has a good soul, deep down. You showed her conflicted duties well, and I sympathised with her in the end. I would have liked a clearer introduction to her character, she appears quite randomly and we are given no initial descrption of her or how she ties in with Lupin.

I think you could have expressed a few issues clearer. You are very good at portraying action but dialogue could do with being sharper. For example, Greyback says he does "working out" as in exercise so that he can easily kill, this isn't an appropriate way for a killer werewolf and villain to express themself.

I liked how you incorporated the theme of betrayal into the story. The idea of betraying humanity being more important and the way people should stand up for their own rights. You successfully managed to project modern-day issues of equality into this HP-themed story. The moral message taht underlined this helped to give the action scene more substance.

The final section, involving Snape, was confusing. He is a little OOC, in my view, as he would never be "confused" or ask someone to repeat themselves - he is alert to everything and ihas an acute mind for working out such situations. He also hasn't served Voldemort all his life. If he is evil (which he isnt!) then he served him for a few years in his first year of terror and about two years again now taht he has returned.

You needed to express this ending clearer, what is Snape there for? What exactly did Poult do? You leave the reader hanging a little, as to whether Lupin survived and what is to happen next. Although it is sometimes nice to have a cliff-hanger, some things need to be tied up!

Over all, I enjoyed it! I think it makes for a strong submission in the monthly contest.

Author's Response: First, thank you very much for your long and detailed review. I'm smiling very largely right now. :-D In response to the comment about Snape, my view of him was that he was honest when he told Bella how he'd never really gone to the light side -- he'd served Voldie, then worked with Dumbledore to learn all about him, find weaknesses, etc. Looking back on the dialogue, I agree it could be better. I'll have to work on that. Poult could also probably have been introduced better -- I was going for the fast paced bit, but I probably should have put more data on Poult into the beginning, maybe as thoughts of Lupin. Thanks again for your comments!

*waves enthusiastically* Sorry I am soooo late!

The first thing I am going to talk about is the general structure of your story. I liked how you opened it up with a “typical night in the Slytherin Common Room” and then focused in on Andromeda, alone studying, and from that told her history. I do think, though, that there needs to be more of a reflection on Andromeda’s part in the opening scenario that then connects to her childhood memories. She could stop writing, look over at her sister, and from that begin reflecting back on her life. You say she can’t concentrate on her work, you could explain why this is… Is what Bellatrix is saying really bothering her? Making her skin crawl at the thought of the pureblood prejudices? From Andromeda’s reaction to the event, you could link it in with her history, by saying that she pauses for a moment to reflect back on her time at Hogwarts and her family. Also, at the end of the story, you talk about her aims for the future. This is a really good thing to conclude the story with because it leaves the reader feeling positive and aspired by her tale, but you could loop it back to her in the Slytherin Common Room. Having a small, concluding paragraph, explaining how she puts her head down, continues working and ignores her fellow Slytherins’ activities in order to do well in her exams, brings the story full circle. It shows how her future ambitions are affecting her behaviour as a teenager. I hope this makes sense. I am never very good at explaining this type of thing.

“Imagine that! The stupid Mudblood actually had the audacity to tell me, Bellatrix Black, that I was wrong! I made sure that she’ll never forget her place in society again.”
Great opening! It pulls in the reader and makes them immediately aware of Andromeda’s problem with her sister. Whilst it might be difficult to explain just how aloof and prejudice Bellatrix is, this small piece of dialogue displays it, making your reader immediately dislike her and then later empathise with Andromeda’s point of view. I especially liked the “me, Bellatrix Black” rhetoric – it’s very fitting of Bellatrix’s to use such an attention-seeking expression.

All her life they had taught her that being a Black meant that you belonged to some kind of wizarding royalty, that you were above most people and had to treat them accordingly.
This sentence is a fragment and a bit wordy. It would probably be better split into two. Wordiness is one of my biggest problems as a story writer; what I do is read through sentences several times and see if I can narrow down the word count without it losing its meaning.
Perhaps try this: “Throughout her life, her family had taught Andromeda that being a Black meant that she belonged to some kind of Wizarding royalty. This meant that she was above most people and had to treat them accordingly.”

When she had seen the teary exchanges between parents and children at the Hogwarts Express, she had longed to have the same. Instead she had received a stringent lecture about how she was expected to behave at school. After that, her parents had left without another word.
This bit made me go “Arwwww”. I imagined this young girl standing on the platform, waiting for her mum to give her a kiss but never receiving one. You manage to successfully evoke sympathy in your reader at this point. By creating a comparison between the other families and Andromeda’s, you show how she has been deprived of love and how she deserves better from her parents. It is a good way of criticising the methods of her family and I can see why she would want to go against everything that they had said in their “stringent lecture” because of the resentment she feels towards her family’s values.

She had felt utterly humiliated when the other students came out of their compartments to see who had caused Bellatrix Black’s feared wrath.
Again, I really felt for her at this point. Bellatrix is a character who should be feared, even in her school days I imagine her to be someone that most were intimidated by, and to be publicly humiliated by her on the first day of term would be dreadful. Andromeda isn’t given a welcoming introduction to life at Hogwarts and I can see from these events why she would end up alone and friendless. Without the chance to get to know the students she wants to, she won’t be able to interact or develop in a way a child should. You present these important issues very very nicely!

She had been sorted into Slytherin, but she hadn’t really expected anything else seeing as no Black had ever been sorted into any of the other houses.
Andromeda is older than Sirius, so this is before the Hat decides to break the mould. I find it interesting how JKR has put entire families into one House – like the Weasley’s – even though it is evident that they all have different personalities. Here, I like how you’ve shown Andromeda’s opinion of being in Slytherin and how it is more of a judge of her inheritance than her actual characteristics. But you could push it further and explain which house she’d have rather been in. Ravenclaw, perhaps, seeing as she likes her studies? You could also explain why the Hat did sort her into Slytherin. At the end of your story you explain just how ambitious she is and how she only studies to further herself as a witch. This is very Slytherin-like. But when she was sorted, she probably didn’t realise it.


She preferred it to the Slytherin common room, which seemed to radiate lifelessness with its continuous twilight, broken only sporadically by the open fire, a deficient number of candles, and dark furniture. Some people might think it had a mysterious charm but to Andromeda it seemed depressing and cold, whereas the library had a warm, compassionate air to it.
You’re description here is wonderful. I love how you connect in the atmosphere of the Slytherin common room with Andromeda’s own mood. It isn’t just description for description’s sake; it reflects Andromeda’s personality and how she wants more than the “depressing and cold” lifestyle of the purebloods. It certainly creates a lasting image for the reader, showing exactly why she chooses to reject her upbringing. In the end, you can’t help but respect that choice.

This is a very in-depth, well thought out character study that I have enjoyed reviewing. I would definitely encourage you to write more character studies because you have a knack for looking into people’s minds and working out what makes them tick. You could also use this to create a story of Andromeda’s life. It’s been lovely getting to know you this past month and thank you very much for the two reviews you have written for me. *huggles*


Author's Response: Oh my god, Laura! Thank you soo much for your kind words! *squee* It\'s been lovely getting to know you, too. I really don\'t know what to say to so much praise, but what you said about coming full circle with her going back to her essay at the end, I\'ll definitely look into this. Thanks again! *huggles*

I will try and not make this review too long but I do have a habit of getting carried away with myself. I also apologise if I don’t get the formatting right because I never have so far *stabs html’s strange tags*

You certainly shed a different light on Azkaban prison than any other stories I have read, your on-going imagery of the rocks and the brutal conditions of the prisoners really gives us a realistic but very harsh view of the prison. Katherine is just as trapped as the prisoners and I really admire her strength and endurance for the job, especially around the chauvinism of the men. Her attraction for Snape is very intriguing; to everyone else he is at worst repulsive and at least piteous. I like her passivity and cautious nature, it takes her months to decide on how to approach him, and every action is well-thought out. She works within the system and doesn’t rebel, showing she is quite intelligent.

We try to tease its secrets from the tangled mass of clues we are given and we usually emerge none the wiser. Only a lucky, or unlucky if you prefer, few are gifted with the ability to wrench meaning from the impenetrable words and chapters of our lives.
I always like a hint of philosophy in stories that I read. Your protagonist has a very thoughtful mind. Katherine has a lot of depth, she does not have concrete answers or solutions to problems, she does not know why she is helping Snape, but she has a pragmatic way of looking at life and a good insight into how it works. She is the opposite of what a prison guard should be, she challenges the justice system and the conditions in which they live, and that is what appeals to me the most. I do perceive her as quite young and slightly naïve and that may be why she feels the need to give Snape a chance.

But even the worst wickedness always begins with a solitary misdeed. I wondered when he had first fallen; indeed, I have been wondering since I first met him.
I feel some sympathy for Snape here; you show how his life could possibly have been a slippery slope from one mistake to corruption. Yet again you show Katherine’s pondering nature, how she is intrigued by his life story. Curiosity is taking over her, she’s looking for different ways to possibly redeem him and elevate the unjust state that he is in. I like how you show that she intuitively knows something isn’t quite right about his story. She has a strange attraction to him, and I like how you compare her feelings for Snape to Lucius later on.

Just a few nit-picks ---
…no matter what the charges laid against them where.
I think you mean “were” not “where.”
Fortunately the healer that day was new and I was able to use all the persuasiveness I my arsenal to convince him.
I think here you mean “in my arsenal” but I’m not too sure.

Nothing penetrated the blanket of darkness that had tucked itself around his cell.
Your use of imagery throughout this story has simply been fabulous. However, I particularly liked this sentence. A blanket is supposed to bring warmth, and you’ve already shown that for Snape darkness brings much more comfort than light. You show here how he is shrouded in it to the degree that he finds solace within the dark cell. At this point in the story, when he is critically ill, you almost give the darkness a nurturing quality and show us how much Snape has retreated from the beauty of the world. I almost feel like he is content within the darkness, like he now doesn’t want it any other way. To deduce your favourite character to this level is a very brave thing to do, and it only makes me admire you and Snape even more.

“Go away and leave me to my end, woman.” The words were firmly spoken, but not harsh. They formed a heartfelt entreaty, a plea to leave him to his suffering.
*Has a compulsive desire to run up and huggle Snape* You reinforce his own gloom in this sentence and uphold Snape true to his character, especially with “woman” tagged along at the end of his command. I like how he was “not harsh” towards her, showing that whilst he wants to inflict suffering on himself he doesn’t want to hurt Katherine intently. He would probably have wanted to be bitter to her, the idea that she may be tormenting him with kindness and painfully reminding him of his old life. It’s not a nice thing to be reminded of when he’s dying. I can see why Katherine persisted in her treatment, her belief in the sanctity of life is very strong and the idea of him meeting his end would be unbearable to her, especially now that she has been tormented by his suffering. But I do feel pity for her, she is making such an effort with Snape and taking so many risks.

“Must you argue at every turn?” he groaned. “You remind me of…” And then the worst hurt I have ever seen on any suffering soul rose up and conquered his face.
This part really plucked at my heart-strings. You just have a way of playing with your character’s emotions and portraying them in such a realistic and heart-felt way. I can connect with it, and so can all your readers probably, because most of us have “happy memories” that we wish we can return to, and moments when we truly miss someone so much that we can’t bear to be reminded of them. By showing that Snape feels this way too, you show that he is human. You also demonstrate how, through Katherine’s desire to help him, she’s managed to elevate his suffering even further. I can only presume you are referring to Maeve here, and I can see why Katherine would compare in some ways to her. Even through his self-hatred I can see how much he loved her and this is a terrible moment in the story, it is like he is forcing himself not to recover. He is forcing himself into misery through the pain of his memories. I just want to delve into the story and do something about it!

The blankets became clean, the smell of death and mould leaving them in an instant.
Whereas Katherine probably really wanted to clean up his cell and so rid him of such horrific surroundings, she probably wouldn’t have dared do it. If the prison is so strict on what a guard can and cannot do, then this act would have been highly forbidden. Eamon would probably notice the cleanness of Snape’s cell the following day, especially in comparison to the other prisoners, and he may then have begun to question the credibility of Snape’s recover. I think whilst Katherine wants to help Snape, she does want to cover her own tracks up and make it so she doesn’t get caught, if for no other reason than to be able to continue to help him.

A wonderful and thought-provoking story. You really do have a talent with OC’s and it is Katherine’s strong voice and opinions that really moulds this story, her perception of the other characters is superb. You take quite a simple scenario and delve into the complexity of the moral and social issues of it. I just hope that things turn out okay for Poor Old Severus!!!

Author's Response: Goshwowblimey! That was a Fantasium length review!!

One of the great things about writing this was the way I could really go deep with the thoughts of this one woman. With the other fics, there is a broad canvas to be covered and less time to dwell. But with Katherine, she (and the author) has all the time in the world to dwell on what's going on. Certainly at the beginning of the fic. I also wanted to explore the conditions at Azkaban now. Jo has shown us that the Ministry, like most governing bodies, is not above fudging issues to achieve its own ends or protect itself. In this instance, it was easier to condem Snape rather than listen to any dissenting voice. And Katherine begins to ponder this throughout her time at Azkaban.

Some of the ideas for this came from actual prisoners' experiences. The idea of time passing slowly, the claustrophobia, the need for the darkness. It wasn't pleasant research but it was worth it.

Thank you for such a meaty review!!

This chapter, I’m afraid, is one of those that I cannot not review. And Word is telling me off for incorrect ‘negation use’ *sticks tongue out at it* I can see why this chapter took you about two months to piece together – every intricate detail is planned out perfectly and what is a difficult plotline to write, an escape from Azkaban, flows together seamlessly to the point where your reader isn’t bogged down with too many technicalities but can still see the credibility of the plan. You did mix in a bit of luck, such as the Minister showing up and Katherine being given the right corridor to patrol, but you weighed that out with the many factors that worked against your characters to the point where the reader is glad for a bit of good fortune.

There had been a frisson of excitement ruffling feathers in Azkaban on the day that Professor Snape delivered his plan to me.
I liked this description – a good opener to the chapter because you get straight to the matter at hand in a way that I’ve come to expect from Katherine – but there is an ickle phrasing blip. Possibly add an “and” in between “excitement” and “ruffling” or remove excitement, seeing as a frisson is an outburst of excitement.

They had made corridor A on F wing, the only one they had deemed dour enough for him to visit, look particularly forbidding for him.
I wasn’t too sure what you meant by this. It sounds as though they allowed the Minister to see the most sinister corridor rather than the cleanest, best kept one. I think perhaps a little bit of expansion is needed as to why they would want to do this – does the Minister want to see the prisoners punished to the most severe degree? Also, I’ve a twitch about ‘forbidding’ – perhaps “hostile” or “uncomfortable for the inhabitants.”

Was I a little in love with him? I think I must have been. But it wasn’t the usual sort of lust and longing; it was born of a profound respect for the man. I would miss him very much.
This line made my heart beat - finally Katherine properly admits her attraction to him. I can see how from this you could have developed a romance for the two of them if it hadn’t been for Maeve, but at the same time I like how because his wife is alive, she doesn’t become infatuated by him. She knows that to love him properly would be futile because he could never be hers, and is sensible enough to not allow those type of feelings into her heart. To have her totally in love with him would have hindered her ability to perform the task and taken your plot in an entirely different direction (probably adding another 5 chapters to it.) Katherine is someone with the ability to respect those who deserve respect and by admitting that she will miss him shows that there is a sacrifice on her part. She’s a bit like a female Dumbledore.

And I knew then he had given me all he could without fracturing his unbending desire to maintain a wall around him
Perfect characterisation of Severus Snape as always! I was just willing him to do more… to say more… to admit that he felt something for her as well. But that would be OOC for him and, in a way, there is more satisfaction at leaving things unsaid with such a mysterious character as Severus. We can always sit and wonder whether he felt more than gratitude for her. By maintaining that wall to the very end, you do not let Severus’ reserved and enclosed personality slip one aorta, but I am intrigued to see whether those walls come falling down once he is with Maeve. Oh… and the above sentence needs a full stop at the end. 

It was difficult not to look at Pepper; his face was probably the most appealing thing in this drear place.
His blonde hair created an appealing halo for what was otherwise a rather devilish face.
These two descriptions appear to be contradictory to me, although it may just be me. If Luke’s face is “devilish” then I don’t know how she can find it appealing. Perhaps say that he was the most handsome person to look at, except his face that had such and such deficiency? I love the contrast between his blonde hair as a halo and his face, though, it reflects the nature of the guards in Azkaban… they’re apparently on the side of the ‘good guys’ but the inhumane suffering they allow the prisoners to endure makes them slightly immoral. Or maybe that is me reading too much into it? I’ve loved all your minor OC’s throughout this story – even those like Luke that only appear for one scene have a distinct personality, and a role within the story. They certainly put my random OC’s to shame!

Corridor Y was the euphemism we used for the governor’s office. When orders spewed out of it, they were usually greeted with a disdainful “Why?” from the staff.
I loved this line! You have a talent of throwing in snippets of humour here and there that make me stop, laugh for a few minutes, and then carry on reading. It also reinforces the fact that these guards are human and they are told to do things rather than asked to do them.

I stepped into her dirt-encrusted ones and it felt like stepping into the soul of a prisoner. I was instantly at a disadvantage and it was not pleasant.
This is a very powerful line - the moment when Katherine finally gets to empathise with the prisoners, by physically putting herself into Maeve’s position. I’m glad that she found it uncomfortable because it is a very unnerving position to be in – she can’t back down at this point, and I doubt Maeve would allow her to even if she wished it. Everything of a prisoner’s life is in that cell, so it was like she’d entered their ‘soul’ in a way, making it a very accurate description. She handed her wand over unthinkingly, and here I do see a subtle regret at being suddenly found with nothing but a prisoner’s rags. Maybe Katherine did trust Maeve and Snape too much? I don’t think she was foolhardy, but she did put a lot of faith in them, something that could be seen as a flaw. A bit like Dumbledore. *Wonders whether Dumbledore ever had a daughter*

She stayed where her husband was. Perhaps I would never really know why, but it was enough to know she was on her way to him now.
Another line that made my heart beat and, if I remember right, a couple of tears appear in my eyes. I don’t know Maeve very well, and I look forward to getting to know her a bit in the next chapter, but I can tell from this that she truly loves Snape. It shows just how strong their relationship is and how there is something in Snape that is redeemable. It’s a very big sacrifice for her to make, especially considering her magical abilities, and to do it for the love of a man who hates himself completely is very brave and honourable of her. It makes Katherine’s decision to help them justifiable and Snape deserving of her efforts.

Secure in the knowledge that I could do nothing else, I allowed my eyes to close and drifted into a deep, dreamless sleep. What tale I would tell would come to me when I was faced with the questions.
I found the ending slightly abrupt – I would have liked a few more thoughts from her, such as her worries, her plans for the future should she fail or succeed, and the explanations she was going to give. However, I do understand you’re great need to wrap up the chapter (perhaps not helped by the fact that I asked you just about every day about its progress) and no doubt things will be explained in the next chapter. And Katherine is the sort of character who faces things one step at a time and doesn’t dwell over what might happen; you’ve shown her ability to improvise and make the most of situations. Her ability to simply drift off to sleep in the cold cell shows just how much of a determined, thick-skinned woman she is! *Snuggles a blanket over her to keep her warm*

Okay, end of ‘terrifyingly long review’ for this chapter (expect an excruciatingly long one for the next). My pizza is ready, or maybe even slightly burnt, so I should go rescue it. I’ve fallen in love with this story, so I will be very sad to see it end… but all good things must come to an end, including this delicious pizza!

MNFF is loading very slowly, but like a faithful reader I am enduring its snail-like pace. I’ve been quite spoiled today, reading both PMoA and Sins.
Lovely chapter, please do not lose faith in it because the story just goes from strength to strength. I especially liked Katherine’s interaction with Severus, your showing a progression in their relationship and almost turning it into a friendship. I especially liked how she was disappointed when he didn’t insult her.
Narcissa was interesting, she’s just as aloof as in other stories I read but there is more of a subtle vulnerability, she appears tough but she wouldn’t have confessed everything if she hadn’t be desperate. You showed a moral streak in her, which is interesting after her life as D.E’s wife.

Favourite line: “He’s not a physically attractive man, but there is a power there that cannot be denied. I’ve found it to be very potent in the past.”
This just made me chuckle, it reminded me of my own obsession with older but not particularly attractive men.

Just a few nit-picks: (I may be tired but I have still got a sharp eye, lol)
The door the shielded the world from Lucius Malfoy.
I believe the second “the” should be a “that”.
Wondered what horrors where being inflicted on the unfortunate prisoner.
“Were” instead of “where.”

I need my weekly dosage of Snape so please keep with it. I’m very interested in how this story turns out... I don’t want it all to be “happily ever after” but just don’t be as evil as me!

Author's Response: *is glad to be feeding Laura's obsession with older men* Thanks for the review, my dear. :-) And I do need to change the summary on this now that Secret Spew is out in the open.

Damn, my chickenless curry has gone cold whilst reading this chapter. *Picks at the cardboard that is supposed to be naan bread*

Interesting chapter. I wondered how you would end it. Perhaps, having Katherine find sufficient proof to prove them innocent or something like that, but I never assumed they'd try and escape. I like the idea, though, it gives us a happy ending! I can tell that Katherine is well and truly fed up and is willing to throw caution to the wind if needs be. Just be careful, though - I used a Portkey as a way of escaping from Azkaban in Lacrima, and I regret that now because it wasn't a water-tight way. There needs to be a very well thought out, but yet ingenius, scheme for them to escape with. No doubt with Snape's sharp, logical mind (and yours!) there is an answer, and I look forward to seeing what it is. Loved the chapter, as always, it was much more exciting than my dinner!

Author's Response: Hee hee...there is an answer....and as we've already discarded the Portkey, Apparation and Broomsticks it's not going to be any of them. Anyone who has read SS may be able to guess what it is. ;-) *Sticks Laura's curry in the microwave to further render it inedible*

To be honest, they weren't supposed to be escaping...but when Maeve and Severus get going there's no stopping them. *sighs*

I remember you mentioning this story in one of the many reviews you have written for Lacrima. So, being a great cat lover, I went in search for it. I notice that Bridget, the other kittie lover, has already set down her review. Lol.

I loved the beginning. You really captured the essence of Crookshanks – the idea that he has Hermione’s best interests at heart, he is proud of his achievement of capturing Peter Pettigrew and very intuitive to his surroundings. These are all characteristics that I would say Crookshanks would possess, and you captured them well in this story. I especially liked this line…
Crookshanks often kept a close eye on his witch. He knew that she was clever and smart, but she didn’t have a good sense of who was good and evil.
This brings out the Kneazle in him, and shows how intuitive he is at detecting humanvirtues and vices. You reinforce this later on when you say that Mr. Filch is nasty but not evil, showing how this cat is capable of making distinctions that some humans are unable to do.
Just one nitpick with the above quote, in regards to phrasing:
Instead of “a good sense of who was good and evil,” possibly change it to “a good sense of who was good and who was evil” or “she didn’t have a good sense of who was good and who wasn’t.” Otherwise it sounds like the person is good and evil at the same time, which is a contradiction.

He had over heard them talking in soft sad tones about Sirius, and though he didn’t understand everything they said, he got the gist of it. Again, I just liked this because it conveys how intuitive and clever the cat is. You don’t give him human intelligence, but you still allow him to have some. He has an awareness of what is going on around him. I am not too sure whether he would care about the human events of his surroundings, perhaps as a cat he wouldn’t but as a kneazle he would. If it is their duty to flush out shifty characters then it makes sense that he would convey some remorse at the idea of a good, helpful human having been killed.

I liked the phrase “his Hermione” because cats are very territorial and possessive of what they believe to be rightfully theirs. I like how you didn’t call her his “Mistress” however, like you did Mr. Filch for Mrs. Norris, because that still allows Crookshanks to have his own independence. Mrs. Norris is obsessed with people “tramping mud” into the castle, being a partner in crime to her owner, whereas Crookshanks is perfectly happy going his own way whilst keeping a watchful eye on Hermione.

I agree with deanine when she talks about making the POV slightly less human. It is a good opportunity to add some humour if you call everyone by a stereotypical name – like the ones deanine suggested. Also, your language is very simplistic, in so far as it doesn’t have many frills and metaphors to it, which is a good thing! Keep the language simple, and this helps reinforce the fact that the cat is off less intelligence than a human, but still has some. Maybe even create a child-like tone to show how Crookshanks perceives things on a much simpler scale, but with the sixth sense he has he is still able to see deeper into the mind’s of people. He isn’t so bogged down with feelings, like us humans so often are. Alternatively, you could create quite a mocking voice through Crookshanks where he almost satirises the human’s situation and finds folly in their human mistakes. This could work well after the spell has been cast, as it would allow you to heighten his intelligence.

Some of the cats, especially the ones whose masters were in Slytherin House would not even talk to him because of not being full blood. I found this interesting – like the prejudice of Slytherin moves beyond its students and even into their familiars. It makes sense and kind of works with the philosophy of the servant picking up nasty traits from the master and shadowing the master in behaviour patterns. *Looks at her lazy and selfish cat* Perhaps there is some truth in the theory.
Just a wording and grammar blip:
I think a comma after Slytherin House would make it more accurate, as you are talking about Slytherin as an aside to your main point about pure blood cats. Also “because of not being full blood” could be phrased a little sharper. Perhaps – “because he wasn’t a full blood.”

I also noticed that you used Crookshank’s name quite often throughout paragraphs. Instead of being repetitious, you can use different variants, such as “the devious cat” and “the half-kneazle” to show that you are talking about Crookshanks whilst adding variety to your story. It helps the story flow slightly better, I believe, and also helps you to establish the cat’s personality because you are simply dropping in characteristic’s every now and then.

Enjoying some of the last nice weather they would have for the year. Just another phrasing nit-pick – “some of the last nice summer weather” is slightly too descriptive. Try cutting it down and making it a little simpler, without not losing the meaning – “some of the remaining summer sunshine” or “the last of the nice summer weather.” Also, don’t be afraid of expanding your descriptions; it helps to paint more of a picture in your readers mind. I know that in my fan fictions I can be rather heavy on description, and don’t expect you to go into as much detail, though. Overall, this chapter is a wonderful start to your story. Keep up the good work as it pays off eventually. Every story begins small but if you give it chance to blossom you will find it does take shape – some do take longer than others, but I get the impression that this one will find work form very early on. I look forward to your next update.

Author's Response: Thank you so much for the wonderful review! I will definitely think about the great advice and see what I can take from it to make my story better! I have the next two chapter started, but I'm trying to brush them up before trying to post them. Chapter 2 should be up soon!

You’ve reviewed every chapter of one of my stories and so it really is about time that I reviewed one of yours. Reading this story was both enjoyable and useful. I got to see how you perceive Lucius Malfoy and his pureblood status, along with how this has influenced the young Narcissa. I liked how you kept returning back to the politics of being a pureblood and how Narcissa was just wrapped up, without a voice, in the middle of it all.




Narcissa considered this question carefully, before casting her eyes down, “Probably not well enough for him.”


Neta mentions this briefly in her review… you do have a trend where you write a sentence explaining the narrative linked by a comma to a dialogue, like the example above. This needs to be a period rather than a comma because the description is independent from the dialogue. The exception to this is when it is a speech tag: For example… “Looking very cheesed off, Harry said, “Where is the Horcrux, Sevvy-poo?” *giggles at dumb example* Here, you need a comma because it follows on directly from the description.





I’ve noticed that you tend to begin a lot of sentences with “she” – this is a popular convention used when narrating from a single third person’s POV but if you’re not careful it can stagnate the flow of your story and become repetitive. There are different ways of beginning a sentence and dropping in a little bit of variety here and there doesn’t take away from your overall message but does help maintain the readers interest.






I may never know what that is, because I may never get to see the world but through the eyes of my father. How is it that he’s already made me forget my own dreams? I’ve become a prisoner of my own household.


I liked this thought aside. It captured Narcissa’s worries on the subject very nicely and summarised the key issues of the one-shot. As a young woman, I can see why she would have ambitions of her own (she is a Slytherin, after all) and why it is during her final years at Hogwarts that she begins to challenge what she’s so easily accepted. It gives her some integrity, even though she is aloof and, on the surface, not a likeable character.






The thing was, status wasn’t something you could just give away, and it was something you had to destroy.


I liked this… it was almost Narcissa’s unconscious admittance that status isn’t everything, showing how if she was just raised in a more tolerant environment, she wouldn’t be looking down on people. She understands the risks that are involved with “destroying status” – like Sirius had done – and knows that her thoughts towards freedom are close to crossing the line on what is acceptable for a pureblood witch to believe. I pity her at this point, I really do. One bit of concrit – your wording could be a bit sharper here. Instead of using “and” you could use “but” because this would help balance out her argument better.






It wasn’t that Narcissa didn’t like Slytherin or her family’s ambitions; heaven knew she would never want to marry a half-blood or a Muggleborn. It was just that she wanted to know she could, just to have something in her life not dictated to her by her family or the Dark Lord.


This was a very subtle twist to her character and I thought it was very revealing of Narcissa’s personality. She wants the power to chose who she marries – pureblood or not – for the sake of having that power, even though she wouldn’t use it. It’s a very teenage rebellious trait, I think, but it may be what Narcissa considers as freedom. It’s a selfish freedom; to want something just so that you can have it. I think it’s very true to her character to behave this way.





Nitpick section:





a little more timidly then she had intended.


Than instead of then





It almost looked a little un-natural, like it wasn’t quite right for a family of four.


Unnatural not un-natural





“the party isn’t until next week Miss Narcissa.”


You need a comma before “Miss Narcissa”



“Narcissa, and Bellatrix were supposed to remain…”

And you need to kill this comma



There were ghosts from time to time but the house was hardly haunted.

This line made me chuckle – in our world, any place that makes a small rattle is deemed to be haunted, and so by showing Narcissa’s indifference to her home’s resident ghosts shows how unlike Muggles she is. I really liked you’re description of the house, in fact; it was very fitting of a pureblood family.





As it would turn out, Bellatrix would mostly likely remain in Rodolphus’s arms the entire night, and Narcissa would have to dance with strange men from other powerful wizarding families.

Your characterisation of Bellatrix is very accurate, and I like how you show the differences between her and Narcissa. She is evidently the stronger of the two, who despite being very faithful to her family and its principles, has successfully managed to chooe her own partner. She’s much more of a practical person than her sister who is better at catering for her own interests. Whilst they are both selfish, Bellatrix is selfish successfully, as shown here with the dancing.




“Lucius I have tried so hard to pretend I’m something I’m not, after years of lying to myself. I’ll never be able to understand. Don’t you ever feel trapped? You are just a puppet, we will always be puppets,”

Sometimes your dialogue, here for example, uses a lot of symbolism and metaphors. It can be used on occasion to create dramatic impact, such as here, but you need to consider whether the character would realistically use such phrases. Sometimes it’s better to use the metaphor in your narrative and keep the dialogue rather more simple and conversational. Also, I noticed you used quite a bit of hyperbole in “No Turning Back Now” and whilst it is a good way of creating atmosphere and heightening the tension, if you overuse it, it becomes melodramatic. Hyperbole is brilliant when used well, and metaphors are my best friends, but not always in dialogue. I’m saying this from my own experience; reading back some chapters (including ones in Warmth) I inwardly cringe at some of it.



“Maybe you had to take classes at school, but you succeeded on your own. Maybe you were told to dress in the finest robes but you were beautiful on your own. Maybe your were told how to act or how to dance, but you were graceful on your own.”

Conversely, I liked this piece of dialogue because you didn’t jazz it up too much, but rather kept it controlled and persuasive. By using balanced language in compound sentences, you create a convincing argument; it is a suitable technique for such a sly man as Lucius Malfoy. If I didn’t know Lucius better, I would perhaps even believe him. This a great bit of characterisation.



If there was anything she had learned about Lucius, there were few things that would awaken his emotions; at all other times, logic served him correctly

Ooooh! You do know Lucius well! *grins* I liked your portrayal of Lucius throughout – I’d struggle to understand what he was like as a young man. Was he still as cold and cunning? Or was there a more trustworthy, even naïve, side to him? But you write the young Lucius wonderfully. I liked how he is content to follow in his father’s footsteps – like an automated being that doesn’t look for an alternative path. Yet his ambitious side shines through in his loyalty and desire to serve the Dark Lord. Beautifully handled. Tres Bien!



And that concludes my review… My first handwritten review, in fact, that I wrote whilst waiting for cricket to start on Thursday. I’m sorry that we’ve not had longer to chat about our stories, but I’ve learnt lots of things from reading your stories, and thoroughly enjoyed them at the same time. You’re a great and supportive friend, and I’m glad I’ve had the opportunity to give a little bit of advice back (as feeble as my advice is these days) because your reviews keep Warmth going. *huggles*

Author's Response: *huggles Laura to death* That is the best review I\'ve ever gotten. It was so helpful and informative and just amazing. I love how people pick up on metaphors and symbolism that I don\'t purposively put in stories, it makes me smile. I went through and fixed almost everything. Yay! I <3 you!