Reviewer: GringottsVault711 Signed
Date: 02/24/08 Title: Chapter 1: A Walk In The Woods

I think this is a very powerful fic. To begin, it captivated me.

You listen to her sing, and you want to sing with her, even though you don't know the words. Somehow, though, she doesn't either. It's clear that she's making it up on the spot. She looks up from her friend's hair and her eyes meet yours; or, at least, you think they do.

That was mesmerising. The image just materialised in my mind, and I could imagine perfectly the singing along to words she doesn’t know, and a sort of slow motion glance upwards to wear I see her eyes looking up at me. I could just see right into Blaise’s vision. It was incredible.

I think the darkness was handled very well, too. The story of Mrs Zabini preparing Blaise for murder was jolting, but believable and frighteningly realistic for the world of the Death Eaters. Continuing on further, the child that he had to torture was also drastically awful. I had a small case of scepticism when it came to him murdering the child. Questions rose to my mind: ‘Would he really be able to kill a small child?’ ‘Would Ginny really listen to that and do nothing more than ‘blanch’’? I try to persuade my own believability – what would I do in the situation? A clearly troubled young man tells me he’s been prepared for murder his entire life, and on his 17th birthday he tortured and killed a child? Would I run; or I would I go pale with fright but try to carry on and not look panicked or frightened?

I think with something like that, you need to recognise that while it makes sense in theory, you have to consider your readers’ response, and try to account for believability issues. You don’t want to go too far out of your way to buy their acceptance, but you do want to guide them into a place where they’ll be more likely to accept it.

I see a lot of elements that go well together and make sense: Blaise’s rather horrific upbringing and assignment, for instance, go hand in hand. But, they aren’t supported by the narration. You want these intense ideas to come off dark and horrible to the reader, but you don’t want them to seem like stunts for shock value. I think the problem with the narration is that the second person point of view doesn’t support the weight of the premise. For the first few paragraphs, it was done marvellously. It was poetic and done just right that I didn't even notice the PoV. But, while you do the PoV well, I don't think second person carries so well over a long word count. Or, perhaps, it’s just more difficult to pull off.

Throughout the fic, especially highlighted by the ending, we see that he’s not become a monster like Voldemort or Fenrir. But, he can’t be totally stable. He’s clearly gone through trauma. Been forced to do awful things. Has come terribly close to making a conscious decision to commit premeditated murder. I think the structure of his characterisation is fabulous, but I don’t think you delved enough into it. To believe all this, and to believe Ginny’s acceptance, I need a more intimate look; I need to see that pain, trauma and confusion. The second person PoV limits this, because you’re putting the reader, most likely a fairly normal individual, into his perspective. I think it either needs to be from Blaise’s PoV, either first person or third person limited, so we can experience more of his mental and emotional state, or we need to get an omniscient third-person PoV, so we can get an outside look at his state, as well as a more clear insight to Ginny’s responses to him.

All that aside, I do enjoy this story immensely. I rather guessed at his assignment, because of the tracks you laid; Ginny listening to his story about his ‘training’, is simply chilling foreshadowing. I also like the intensity of Blaise’s ‘willing to die for her’. Because, that makes so much sense. That his mind can go to that extreme. And we know he understands what this mean. He’s seen and done enough that they aren’t just words.

I also really love the forest setting. I love forests in general, and I like the contemplative nature of walking in the woods. And how the solitude is both good for their bonding but also frightening because of Blaise’s intentions. I also think that, though we don’t know too much about what’s going on with Ginny, she’s still very IC. She has that ability to give people a chance, make her own judgments. And she doesn’t just turn away and never look back. She doesn’t just give strangers a chance, she gives people who’ve made mistakes second chances. But ‘she asks you to repeat that truthfully’. She doesn’t do it easily. She gives you that chance, but then you’ve got to prove you deserve it, you’ve got to earn whatever she’s willing to give you. I would like to see more of this Ginny in fic; people are always just putting her down to being a talented witch with a habit of doing and saying what she thinks. Which is great, but I don’t think they’re her heart; this fic is her heart.

All in all, I think this is a fabulous fic, and I think that the insight to both Blaise and Ginny is wonderful, and the relationship is well established. I only wish that the narration had offered a little more to pull me in instead of always keeping me flitting across at the surface.

Reviewer: GringottsVault711 Signed
Date: 01/27/08 Title: Chapter 1: Home To Stay

Oh, *sigh*.

I don’t know what to say about this story, except that it’s wonderful. It’s really been a long time since I’ve read Ron/Hermione, but they hold a special place in my heart. I think that you write them wonderfully, so realistically, and you really bring out the truth of how and why they’re good for one another.

“Your mum is an anchor in any storm.” I really like this line. It gave me a rush of affection for Molly, and I also thought, later, how wonderfully you fit it in. Sometimes characters speaking in metaphors don’t exactly sound believable, but there is something so peacefully poetic in your writing and in your dialogue, and it was done with such simplicity, that it sounded natural. Which is so good because I think that a major purpose of fiction is that people get to speak in poetry more often than they o in real life.

There was another line that sort of took my breath away – I stopped and had some sort of physical reaction to it, it was so wonderful. She reached out a small hand — Ron never ceased to marvel at how small and beautiful her hands were — and touched the ring with a lightness that would have shamed a butterfly. So beautiful. So beautiful.

“I don’t know who I am sometimes. I’ve spent so long fighting, so long helping Harry–you know, I think it’s easier for those who died fighting? No, not like that–” upon seeing Ron’s face — “but they died to make the world a better place for all of us. Now here we are, and what are we here for? This, I thought was a very interesting statement. And, it reminds me of how there are often things that we all feel or think, but we don’t say, because it’s not considered the right thing to feel. But, I could see why Hermione would envy the dead. I like that, ‘Now here we are, and what are we here for?’. And, it’s so easy to wonder, with Ron, why Hermione is leaving, what will it accomplish, why can’t she be happy? But what is the point in fighting a war, and sacrificing all those lives, just to go back to ‘normal’, get married have kids, whatever. But, different people react to trauma and loss in different ways, and I can understand what Hermione is feeling. ‘What now?’

Also, about her being strong through all the fighting and funerals, and the business with her parents, and then falling apart. I thought that was powerful, too. And it makes sense. Sometimes it’s easier to stay strong when you’re still fighting for something, or when you have to be strong. But as soon as there’s no reason to be strong, you let go, and everything that was threatening to consume you before closes in.

Yes, I’m rambling. I’m sorry. Just, this story is so complex. It has that simple, emotional appeal. I definitely feel for Hermione, for Ron, and understand the pain they much each go through, and the strength it must take Hermione to try and put him out of her mind for those months when she leaves. Aside from that, though, there are all these complicated ideas; it goes beyond the simple ideas of love and life and shows how things get so much more difficult, and sometimes we need to take time to figure things out. I love that Hermione was brave enough to leave, and that Ron was brave enough to let her.

So, yes, this is a remarkable story, Katie, dear. I truly love it and I really think it gives us something to think about along with giving us something to feel, and that is magnificent. ♥


Author's Response: SQUEEE! Thank you thankyouthankyou! I am so incredibly honoured that you like this story this much--you being as amazing and deep a person and writer as you are. *hugs* It\'s wonderful to get good feedback on my characters and emotions and lines and...everything...I really appreciate it. Thank you muchly, Jenna!

Reviewer: GringottsVault711 Signed
Date: 02/24/08 Title: Chapter 1: Treat or Trick?

Oh, this is such a delightful story! I have a few bits of critique to offer, though they don’t really feel like ‘critique’, but, I’ll get those out of the way first, shall I?

First, the use of the word ‘candy’ sort of set me off. While ‘candy’ wouldn’t be an alien term to Brits, the word ‘sweets’ is used to refer to what Americans call ‘candy’.

Secondly, while the English and Welsh don’t celebrate Halloween with trick or treating, I think by the 80’s they wouldn’t be totally perplexed by a batch of costumed children showing up asking for sweets. For one thing, trick or treating was/is practiced by the Irish and the Scottish, also, as Muggles, they will be familiar with American traditions through television and movies --- for instance, this fic takes place around the release of a very successful film that features trick-or-treating and uses it as a plot point: E.T.. So, while they might be annoyed or perplexed at the strangeness, I don’t think that it would seem completely insane. I got the feeling that they weren’t so much surprised and harassed, but really clueless as to why this man and his children were standing at his door asking for ‘treats.’

The last thing is the author’s note that tells us the year and the approximate ages; I would have liked that less in the A/N and more in the story. Not that you don’t make it pretty clear in the story; we know it’s 1982, because you’ve said it’s the first anniversary celebration, and we know Ginny is 14-months old; towards the end of the fic you also point out that Ron is two. I think it could do maybe one early mention alluding to Bill’s age, whether it’s actually stating that he’s twelve, or just describing him as a boy on the verge of adolescence or something that gives us an idea of his maturity. But, I’m generally against an overload of information in the A/N; I think you should just do your best as an author to make the setting available to the reader with details in the story, and avoid extraneous information in the author’s note; it’s a bit distracting.

Now, onto the rest of the fic. So adorable! You have Arthur Weasley spot-on, with his childish delight of celebrating a Muggle tradition, and his slightly guilty sneakiness to do it without Molly knowing. *giggles* I also love the touch of them ‘successfully [using] Muggle tools’ to make the costumes, except for this and that. Also very Arthur-like; he has that fondness for and fascination with Muggles, but he’s still a wizard who likes to use his magic.

The costumes were a lovely touch; Bill as a mummy and Charlie as a dragon was very amusing, but I like that you didn’t try to make them all as ‘symbolic’ because that might have been cliché. Pumpkin!Fred&George also greatly amused me, particularly with big brother Bill convincing them they really did have a brilliant costume. That was very cute.

When they actually started trick-or-treating: *dies*. I loved it when they announced ‘treat or trick!’ that was fabulous. Oh, and it just fits so well with Arthur and the Weasleys, so fabulous; I can’t even convey how much it fits for me.

I want to do a running commentary on every funny bit of the expedition, but it would involve a lot of quoting followed by a ‘*giggles*’ which would be rather pointless; so I’ll just point out two lines that I loved, as they were so amusing and, again, so in character:

“You’re funny,” he said. “I always forget how funny you people are.”

and

“Oh, lovely!” Arthur exclaimed. “I have always wanted to meet them.”

They just convey that perfect exact attitude Arthur has; it’s not just as simple as him loving Muggles, as I said above, he’s still a Wizard. And while he’s fond of the non-magical people, he treats them sort of like a novelty. You just captured him perfectly. Ah, I do love Arthur Weasley :)

Then, Molly! Molly’s reaction is also perfect. And, dressed like refugees from the Janus Thickey ward, *dies again*. Fabulous! Though, I must say, poor Arthur in his less-than-well-insulated shed. *tear* It makes me think of a puppy who did something wrong because he didn’t know any better, but once more, it just gives me that perfect Arthur Weasley image.

I really adore this story, Shanae. I think it’s very cute and well written; entertaining, funny, sweet and goes wonderful with canon. Hurray!

Reviewer: GringottsVault711 Signed
Date: 03/12/08 Title: Chapter 1: Trusted

The opening dialogue throws me off a bit. Because, I’m wondering ‘Why is Percy asking all these questions now? Surely he knew what was happening before he tagged along?’ And when Audrey says ‘I told you,’ I’m even more doubtful. Is Percy Weasley the sort of person to forget instructions? Yes, dialogue is great for exposition, but sometimes it can come off as very stunted. Here you have a character that is likely to already know the plan, and who is unlikely to forget it, and he’s asking questions so that the reader can see Audrey’s answers. If you want to do something like that, you have to take account for the believability factor. Lose the ‘I told you’ and sneak something in that implies that Percy had to rush along with her without knowing totally what she was up to, and this is the first chance he’s gotten to ask her.

Then you have your first narrative paragraphs (‘Her words were firm and full of optimism... – … but he also wanted to make sure she didn't end up at the mercy of any Death Eaters .) In this segment, the thoughts didn’t make sense to me. The sentences felt disconnected and I didn’t really see how you were going from one thing to another. It felt more like you had a list of ideas that framed Percy’s mindset, and then you just sort of stuck them into a couple of paragraphs without seeing how they flowed from one to the next. I’ve gone through the paragraphs a couple sentences of a time; all ordered consecutively, so I can show you how my thoughts followed it:

‘Her words were firm and full of optimism. Still, Percy didn’t have the hope she did.’

The use of the word ‘still’ at the beginning of the second sentence is actually what caught my eye first, because it seems so casual compared to the tone the rest of the story aims for, which is more formal because it must support the dramatic weight of the ideas presented, particularly in the dialogue. But, looking more closely at what comes after the ‘still’ I realise it doesn’t make sense to me that we would expect Percy to ‘have the same hope she did’, yet the ‘still’ implies that is what should have followed were it not for his personal reservations. I could understand if her words were described as the kind that ‘inspired optimism’, or if her conviction was so ‘firm’ that Percy felt it was difficult to doubt her; but as it is, it would make more sense without that distracting ‘still’ (or a ‘yet’ or a ‘however’) and was simply ‘Percy did not have the same hope…’

‘He didn't have the faith in people that he once had. He'd seen too much corruption.’

The next two sentences are good. The first correlates directly to the sentence before it, and the sentence that follows does the same. It’s the sentences that follow that really throw off the segment for me:

‘He'd really had a hand in the corruption himself, if he were honest. But he didn't want to see the role he'd played.

The first sentence flows fairly well with the sentence that preceded it. Though, the last bit is a bit unclear: if he were honest. I see that only working well when used in three ways – the first two both being first person; either a first person dialogue with another person (in which the ‘to be honest’/‘if I’m honest’ implies with you), or a first person internal monologue (in which, because of the use of the pronouns I and me and the active train of thought, the ‘with myself’ is implied). The third instance would be if you were saying something such as ‘He would have returned the money, if he were honest.’ Because, without saying who it is he would be ‘being honest’ with, it sounds to me as if you’re saying the character is generally dishonest. Of course, any reader with their wits about them will know what you mean. But the problem, for me, is that the meaning isn’t actually made clear by the words, so much as by the fact the phrase is well-known and widely used. It would have flowed better if you’d just said ‘admittedly’, or at least made it ‘if he were to be honest with himself’.

The next sentence bothers me because I don’t think it flows well from the preceding sentence. It also confuses me as to where this PoV is coming from exactly. Is this what Percy feels or is this what a narrator is observing about Percy? Is Percy in denial or is he not? Does he see the role he played, or does he not want to see it? And if he just doesn’t ‘want’ to see it, does that mean he does and it’s difficult for him, or he purposely avoids seeing it? I think that this sentence could have flowed better and made more sense if you’d addressed directly the issue that he was not being honest with himself. Something along the lines of ‘But it was difficult to admit to himself the role that he had played. He didn’t want to see that part of himself.’

‘There was hardly a choice. It was better to just keep your nose down and go with the flow these days. If you didn't, you ended up dead. Or worse.’

Here is where I think the paragraph loses it’s train of thought completely. He jumps from ‘not wanting to see the role he’d played’ to demanding that there was ‘hardly a choice’. I could see if it was a first person perspective, him getting scattered and jumping back and forth between denial to acceptance to a defensive. But there’s no tone of confusion or urgency in the paragraph. Basically, we just see the narrator first saying that Percy didn’t want to admit his role, and then going to a completely different area of the subject and getting into Percy’s defense of his actions. He had a hand in the corruption, those he didn’t want to see it. But, ignore all that, because there wasn’t even a choice in the matter? Now, before I go on, here’s how I see Percy’s perspective – instead of fighting against injustice, he took the burden on himself not to anger the wrong people. The same way victims of abuse sometimes blame themselves for incurring their abusers’ wrath. In doing so, he inadvertently justified their actions; they hold the power, and if I do anything to get in their way, they will hurt me and that will be my fault. I think this makes a lot of sense, and I think it would be fabulous to expand upon. However, it causes what comes up next to confuse me further:

‘And honestly, that is why he had come with Audrey here tonight. He wanted to start putting things right in some way, but he also wanted to make sure she didn't end up at the mercy of any Death Eaters.’

‘That’ must refer to the previous thoughts, and the sentences directly before this one are the ones about Percy’s defence; no choice in the matter, keep your nose down, etc. I don’t see how that is why he went with Audrey. The first motivation, ‘he wanted to…[put] things right’ correlates to the earlier thoughts in the preceding paragraph, but the ‘that’ at the beginning of this paragraph isn’t going to reliably connect the reader to that. (Perhaps if it had been ‘It was all part of why he had come…’)

The latter motivation, wanting to protect Audrey from ending up ‘at the mercy of… Death Eaters’ almost makes sense (in relation to ‘that’), because of the danger of standing up to these people is implied quite clearly. But the fact that his philosophy has been to keep his nose down so as not to upset them contradicts with going somewhere to protect someone who’s standing up to them. If ‘that’ was his reason for making choices, I would think that he would have tried to convince Audrey not to go, and only accompanied her grudgingly because she refused. (Which I can definitely see happening, and which seems to be implied later; But the issue here is you say ‘that’ is ‘why he had come’, which doesn’t seem to be the case.)

To sum it all up, I just think that you had a lot there that looks good laid out point-by-point, and it fits Percy’s character, but you tried to get it all together in a short span of words, and you didn’t really develop the ideas together as well as you could have. I would like to see how it could be written differently, basically, so that the sentences made more sense together.

Moving on, you introduce Audrey’s character very quickly and remarkably. As well as Percy’s feelings about her. I also marvel at how logical Percy’s question is, why she would leave her own home to fight ‘a losing battle’. Because it is a sensible thing to ask, because how often do you see people singularly volunteering to fight in ‘someone else’s’ war. And, while his question is sensible, her answer is perfect.

‘Her point was proven, and as much as he hated to admit it, the accusation stung him a little. It stung because of what she said next.’

It stung him, but because of what she said next? How did it sting him, then, if she hadn’t said it yet? Here we have another instance of something sounding good, but not developing enough to actually make sense. If I were to try and make sense of it, I’d guess that the accusation stung him because of what it really meant, what it all boiled down to, and ‘what she said next’ was a statement that embodied that. But the words don’t imply that, so we’re just sort of left with an odd set of phrases that don’t make chronological sense.

After this, we actually move into Audrey’s monologue, which is what makes the story, for me. No part of this story is worded better than Audrey’s dialogue. It all makes so much sense, idealistic as it may be. The part about their being what it means if there is no hope is particularly well developed, especially when she says ‘if there’s no point in fighting’ because it seems to directly address Percy’s ‘keep your nose down’ policy. And it’s fabulous that he didn’t actually say that, but here is this woman basically telling him exactly what he needs to hear to be a better person. And that’s a huge aspect of love, the part that people tend to overlook in couples. You could have be attracted to or have things in common with a number of people, but it’s hard to find a person who’s personality compliments yours in a way that makes you the best you can be. And here, not only do we get to see a wonderfully worded perspective from Audrey, that is fabulous on it’s own, we also see why she is perfect for Percy.

I also think this line is wonderful: “You've asked questions, but you've never questioned me.” I like it when people make these sort of distinctions. It reminds me of Mal in Firefly – ‘I might not respect your job, but he doesn’t respect you.’ Word choice is so important, and a subtle distinction can mean so much. I also like that we see that Percy brings something to the table, more than him just trying to make up for his mistakes, or wanting her to be safe, but because he also does something for her that sets him apart from others.

The aspect about trust is also very moving. You can’t just refuse to trust people because they ‘might let you down’; Audrey’s sense of courage clearly applies not only to her dealings with war, but with personal relationships. I like that both things are very distinct from each other and make their own statements, but come together as a single, thorough for her character.

And when she said she trusted him, it felt like something else as well, but he didn't ask her about it.

This line kills me. It’s just fabulous. I can’t even say anything more about it. It’s utterly perfect.

I think what I love about this story is made up of several overlapping factors: Audrey’s monologue, Audrey’s characterisation, Percy’s characterisation and the Audrey/Percy dynamic. While I did have disagreements with how you organised that first bit of character exposition for Percy, I still like what it said as a whole. I think you pretty much nailed Percy spot-on (much more Percyish than I found him in Dinner With A Demon), and you didn’t try to make too many excuses for his choices, but you did present them that made sense for his character. Audrey. Well, I see Audrey’s character here better than I do canon characters in many other fics. You both established her and endeared her to the audience in so few words, and that’s marvellous. The Audrey/Percy dynamic is very subtle in it’s brilliance, but also very vivid to the reader’s senses, I think, and it’s so realistic. That’s what I love most about it, it’s not just romance or physical attraction, there’s a real foundation for marriage there. And, of course, Audrey’s monologue, because it makes this story more than a romance, it makes it about bravery not living in fear and hope and doing what’s right. And, I love how that can all be applied to relationships as well.

Oh goodness. I just checked my word count. *shuts up now*

Reviewer: GringottsVault711 Signed
Date: 04/27/08 Title: Chapter 1: Faster Than Me and My Lacy Bras Could Run

First, let me address the news article. I always notice fictional news articles because most fiction-writers aren’t journalism writers, so my journalism mind jumps to evaluate it. Yours was quite good, abnormally good for fiction, actually. But I still have a couple of teensy comments. One, the quote from Richard Bollum. It’s really unlikely that a news article would print his speech as spoken. I realise it’s not the worst thing in the world, but it still stuck out to me. Also, “sources say” is more of a term used in celeb stories and tabloids. An actual news story in an actual newspaper will say “According to a Ministry Spokeswitch / Ministry Officials / Aurors at the scene” or something like that. I also think that the lead (the first paragraph) could have been tidied up a bit, especially if you’d written it directly from newstory-lead-formula but that’s just me being nitpicky. >.>

Had the war made him hard? Wait, not that sort of hard. - LOL! FINALLY, a character who thinks like me. I most definitely giggled at the first sentence, and was just delighted when the character caught me on my thoughts. Wonderful.

Let me stop for a moment. The narration in this is amazing. I just want to highlight whole paragraphs and flail over them. It’s totally first person. Just enough tone in the words to give character to the thoughts. And just the right amount of side-thoughts and digressions without wandering too far from the point. It’s incredible. Wow, Patrick. When did you get this good?

Okay. I really do need to quote something for the sake of praising your first person train-of-thought narration. But, it has specific terrificness, so I’ll allow myself: Maybe if I looked through her arms? No, the shawls blocked the way.. I moved with her in that sentence. There was the thought, “Maybe…?” and then I sort of see her thinking about it, looking, and then realising the way is blocked, and saying, “No….”

…and start chatting loudly about which of my three lacy bras would make me look “biggest”. - LMAO. Patrick. OMG. Seriously? That’s so fabulous, and so the sort of thing I have done would do.

Her eyebrows went skyward. “Oh?” I adore this line. I love knew ways of saying ‘raised eybrows’ and ‘rolled eyes’; so fun. And, the “Oh?” is just. so. perfect.

…while I had begun to berate myself inside my head using profanity known only to pirates, prisoners-of-war, and certain Dark Lords who kill people for fun. I love her more and more.

And your Ginny is wonderful, too. “It’s called genetics, Priscilla.” Heehee.

“Oi, Priscilla, love, being naughty again?” EEEE! Loooove it. And damnit, this review has turned into a running squee/giggle commentary.

“What’s wrong, Lav? You don’t have…” his faced turned serious for a moment. “that… that problem…” He pointed to his crotch and winced. *DIES* Better. and. better.

…Okay. So, /end of chapter. There’s only one thing I think you need to improve on, and that’s British dialogue. I caught a lot of Americanisms, including ‘goofy’. Some of them are more just manners or ways of saying things, and some of them I’m not 100% sure on, being a confused Irish person whose lived in the US with friends who were mostly immigrants and with an Anna who is Swedish and uses British-English. So, I’m confused as all hell >.> But, I do notice words and phrases jumping out of your writing a lot that don’t really belong in the setting.

Other than that, all I have to say is: More? Soon? Please?!

Author's Response: That's such a lovely review, thanks, dear. *hugs*

Reviewer: GringottsVault711 Signed
Date: 09/30/09 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1

The introduction to this story is excellently done; it sets the story up straight away and instantly grabs the focus of the reader, but without disorienting them. We automatically have a significant understanding of the who and the what of the situation, without a lot of slowly unfurling details. (Which can be nice in a chaptered-story, but which, I think, risks losing reader-interest in a one-shot.)

Furthermore, because of the concise impact of the introduction, the structure and flow of your story is set up in a way that allows you to deliver your exposition alongside the progression of the situation; it's a very steady deliverance that helps maintain the reader's interest after the initial attention-grabbing introduction.

I liked the characterization of Gellert. This is really the first story I've read with him, and it's honestly exactly how I pictured him. There is a certain Tom-Riddle-esque quality to him, but at the same time, he seems more human. Arrogant, cold, apparently unfeeling, yes, but also something more personal. I imagine this is, in part, because of Albus' perception of him. But also in the way he cleared his throat before he said he was leaving, and the way he asserted that Arianna's death wasn't his fault; I really liked that line, particularly. It puts me in mind of a very child-like emotion of insisting that other people recognise you're not to blame for something that had happened (and it's something that occurs as a result of a feeling guilt rather than a conviction of innocence.) So, again, that attributed a certain humanity to Gellert, but there was also a dark shade of haughtiness to it.

As to the main point of the story, Albus Dumbledore's misfortune in love and it's effect on him over the rest of his life, I found it was put across very well, though also very sadly. It could see the cause-and-effect playing out before even reaching the conclusion. Your Albus fits perfectly with the Dumbledore we see in the books, and this story enables me to picture the very lonely side to him that we don't really see in the books, though it's definitely there if we look for it.

I do, however, find the story itself, and Albus' character within it, difficult to believe. The first thing that struck me as off was how minor the fact of Arianna's death seemed, as the fact that it was a fight amidst Albus, Gellert and Aberforth that caused it. An example: "…the easy atmosphere between the two had evaporated and all that was left was awkwardness..." The focus here seems off to me, due to the use of "awkwardness." "Awkard" makes me think somebody did or said something insulting, rather than caused the death of a sibling. Also:

It was almost as if his friend was seeking a final bit of acceptance from him. Albus wanted to laugh. If only Gellert knew that he could do anything and Albus would still forgive him, still be there for him.

Again, this seems to make light of what is in reality a very dark, serious scenario. In DH, it says that Gellert used the Cruciatus Curse on Aberforth, and Albus tried to stop him, which resulted in duelling amongst the three of them, leading to Arianna being killed. After this, I imagine not only would Albus have a lot of difficulty forgiving Gellert (and himself, for that matter), but that he certainly wouldn't laugh off the idea.

I would expect Albus to be far more focused on grief, guilt, shame, even self-horror; on top of all that, deeply conflicted about his feelings for Gellert after what has happened. Overall, when compared directly to canon, I can't imagine this being how Albus and Gellert parted ways. If you take out that, though, I believe the story itself, could still work on its own if there was more weight given to Arianna's death, and if we saw an Albus that was more burdened with grief and conflict. It's definitely well told and structured, and works well as a story of unrequited love; just, for me, there should be more to the tale than that love.

Reviewer: GringottsVault711 Signed
Date: 05/26/09 Title: Chapter 12: Chapter Twelve - Search

The opening of this chapter is very intriguing. There's nothing to catch a reader's attention so much as something completely unexpected, out of the usual context. We're not only wondering what is happening, but where we are, when we are, if it's even a real place and time.

Your description of the setting in this opening paint a very distinct image, and I can't imagine that any of your readers didn't get some version of the pure, unadulterated, icy, blue-tinted woods. That was done wonderfully. I do feel, however, that in some cases your efforts to provide this imagery were somewhat excessive. By this I mean that in your effort to provide descriptions, you used oddly fitted or clichéd words/phrases, or used the same word/phrase over and over. Some examples:

"... the thick blanket of snow. She wears only a simple blanket..."

Here you have a pretty basic example of redundancy. You've used blanket in two consecutive sentences, and to describe two separate things. For me, this kind of thing distracts from the flow. Sometimes word choice depends on not only the best word for what you're saying, but the best word that flows with previous and following words, phrases, sentences.

"A silent rush of wind blows suddenly through the forest, the movement carrying the sound of a voice."

"The silent rush of wind,", yet it carries the sound of a voice? I know technically it's possible for the wind itself to be silent and merely carry the voice, but it caught my attention straight away. With this, I felt that your desire to attach an adjective/adverb to everything resulted in what is a somewhat awkward description, and if you'd just said "A rush of wind..." and not described it as silent, this would have been fine.

Now I'm just going to tackle the rest of fourth paragraph, which begins with "A silent rush of wind..." and ends with, "Again she calls for him, but again she hears nothing in response." With this paragraph, it just stuck out to me how often you used "wind" and "blows"/"blowing". Not a huge deal, but as with everything else I've mentioned, it stuck out to me. Non-poetic, repetition of words is something that always catches my attention, and in my own writing, I try to avoid it whenever possible.

Basically, these specific points all factor into one main point. I feel that, with this scene, you're using too many words to provide an image, and it makes it more and more difficult to find words you haven't used yet. Not everything has to be described in a way to show it is icy or cold or still or silent or silvery; in writing especially with adjectives/adverbs, less can be more.

And, before moving on, just a few grammatical things that I'll point out because they may be handy to keep in mind for future writing:

The trees glitter silvery with the ice covering their needles.

I don't think "silver" really works as an adverb. Glittering "softly" or "subtly" or "coldly" would work, because those seem to attach themselves better to the actual glittering. But I feel if you're using a colour, it's best to attach it as an adjective to the tree, rather than as an adverb to "glitter". That is, "The trees glitter silver with the ice..." I know that doesn't really work fantastically, either, but I'm mentally comparing it to something "glittering gold".

"Slowly the deadly cold lies itself over the wood."

This should be "lays itself". "Lie" is something that is just done, you don't "lie" a thing, and a thing or person does not "lie" itself. "Lay" applies to a direct object, you lay something, or something lays itself down.

Has it been dark and cold before, it now is pitch black and icy.

This bit I'm just pointing out because it confuses me; I'm guessing that there's an error here, in the first clause, because I can't make sense out of the sentence.

Her body grows, her limbs morph. Her hair embraces her, then turns from silky and soft to rough and tapered. Her skin hardens and suddenly feels like bark. Slowly she opens her eyes and discovers an entirely new world in her grasp. She looks around and sees a reflection in the ice, mirroring her new appearance.

This is my favourite part of the opening sequence of the chapter, especially the line "Her hair embraces her...". The imagery is wonderful and your word choices are fitting in a number of ways. I feel that in this paragraph, you did the description just write; you used necessary adjectives/adverbs, but you didn't go over the top. It's just right :)

On the subject of the German parts of this chapter, I understand that your use of the German dialogue is meaningful; it gives clues to the origin of the voices, and provides the peculiar angle of Isla being able to comprehend and speak German in her unconscious state. And, yes, I personally love it. I'm glad it's there; it improves my enjoyment of the chapter. However, I also have a grasp of German and was able to understand a fair bit of what was going on without using the translations at the bottom. It occurs to me that other readers, with no German whatsoever, will find the amount of German – coupled with the importance of what is actually being said – daunting, and off-putting.

Consider that the majority of your readers are seeing large amounts of text in a completely foreign language, and it will take away from the experience for them to not understand and break up their reading process by either forcing them to scroll down to the translation as they're reading, or in a lot of cases, not have any idea what has happened/been said until they reach the end of the chapter and see the translations there. Maybe, in future, you could lessen the amount of German, or use the German in places where the words themselves are not so important. Or perhaps you could use the old trick of saying the speaker is using German, but writing the English. I know that last possibility would affect the continuity of your style for this story, but perhaps for future writing endeavours where your target audience is largely not German-speaking :)

Some notes on the chapter overall, I thought the structure was very interesting. The opening sequence, and then Isla's point of view framed by the two third-person-perspectives. You revealed a great deal in a very small space, and it really set up an advance in the plot.

Something that I really appreciate about the story is that you have these various plots that are all so strong within themselves, yet interweave so wonderfully. Isla and Savaric could be a romance in itself, as could Isla and Robert; and yet you still bring this other plotline into focus and, as a reader, I feel entranced by all three aspects of the story at once.

My impression is that you have a great storyline, vivid characterisation, wonderfully unique and constantly developing and shifting dynamics between those characters, and that what you mainly need to work on is really fine-tuning your sentence construction and word usage.

One, simple example of what I mean:

"Like in a trance her fingers slowly fingered the material, then her hand picked it up."

It sounds as if her fingers, and only her fingers, are in a trance. Which is at first odd, but which also makes the following scene of her actually being in a trance, a little more sudden and confusing. "Like in a trance, she fingered the material slowly..." would attach the word "trance" to her whole state of being, rather than just her fingers. (It also eliminates the redundancy of her fingers fingering; if she's fingering the material, we automatically know she's using her fingers.)

I honestly have no idea how comfortable you are with English, and I'm aware that the fact it's not your first language is possibly a factor, but I do feel that you're better with English than a good deal of native speakers, and I think that the main issue is merely attentiveness. It can be hard work, but it's brings a great improvement to one's writing to occasionally stop letting the story and characters control the flow, and think more about the technical bits of writing.

So, yes. Exciting chapter, a wonderfully done turn – I felt it started and ended just where it needed to. It sort of feels like an interlude, and it's really interesting to imagine not only where this is going, but how it will affect Isla's overall development, as well as her relationships with Savaric and Bob.

Author's Response: Thank you so much for that awesome review, Jenna. You have no idea how much it means to me that you caught up with the story and left such an incredicbly helpful review, more so that I'm going to use that first sequence in a later chapter again. And also thank you for the compliment; I take pride in my English being on the level of native speakers. And I'm extremely pleased that the plot(s) and characterisation are liked. Thank you. I'll be working more on sentence construction and word usage to make new chapters even better. :) *hugglesquishes*

Reviewer: GringottsVault711 Signed
Date: 07/31/08 Title: Chapter 2: Chapter Two - Silver Fir

Hello! You hinted? ;)

The first chapter was the perfect opening - such masterful exposition of the characters and setting. You introduced the readers to the basic foundations of the story - Isla as a character, striving to live up to her family's name, but still innocent and naïve about herself, her family, and what lies outside what she knows; the world in which Isla lives, not only the time setting, but her little piece of it and the way she has been taught to percieve the rest of it; and, most importantly I think, where each of these things is brought together - the expectations of her family, particularly her father, and how severe the reprimand is for Isla's "shortcomings".

I particularly enjoyed the way you first introduced us to the family members, through the sound of their footsteps. This told us not only something of their individual natures, but also told us a bit about Isla's feelings towards and/or relationship with each one. Furthermore, you gave us our first peek at what sort of people the Blacks are, when - of Elle - you write, "It was not the usual behaviour for a member of our family." The description of Mrs Black's footsteps caught my eye, and it said something to me of someone of subdued nature, someone quiet because they're trying to remain unnoticed, someone afraid, perhaps. This impression was reinforced by the nature of Mr Black shown at the end of the chapter, and the sob that escapes her mother before Isla is punished.

Then, once again, you employ a wonderful tactic for acquainting the reader further with the characters - Isla passes the portraits, and here we learn physical descriptions. I thought this was very nicely done. And I enjoyed seeing Isla, again, grouped into her family and compared and contrasted. I did, however, find a slight issue with Phineas being described as "tan". This is something that is somewhat of a personal pet peeve, as I see it used a lot particularly in the OC forum, but I do have my reasons. I'll try to share them as concisely as possible: "Tan" is not typically anyone's natural complexion. People of certain ethnicities may be naturally olive-toned or brown-skinned, but tan tends to imply that they're skin has taken a darker tone due to exposure to the sun. Now, on occasion it's a good word to use to describe someone's skintone, particularly people who might be naturally lighter skinned but live in sunny climates and therefore whose skin has more permanently grown shades darker than it is naturally. This, however, is not something you'll commonly find in Britain. Due to a combination of weather and ethnicity, British people are naturally, if not "pale", are not "tan". They might adopt a tan during the summer, particularly if they go South for the holiday, but a few months back in the rainy mother country and they'll likely return to their natural skintone. 2. The reason there seems to be such an amount of describing skin as tan is that many writers feel the need to have a full available physical description of the characters they author, meaning having a standard available word to describe each of the aspects of their physical appearance. And, when writing a character and not wishing to particularly describe them as pale, the inclination seems to be to seize "tan". But, these are characters, not wanted criminals. If there's nothing particularly milky or pimply or freckled or fair about their skin, then there's no reason to feel the need to specifically describe it. Though, there are other options. If you want to say that Phineas was not quite as pale as his sisters, you can simply say he's not quite as pale. Or you can say that he has a "darker complexion" than them. The idea of him being "tan" though, seems off, particularly in the 19th century when it was more fashionable to be fair.

So that was longer than I'd hoped, but as concise as I could manage. It wasn't a big issue, just the reasons behind it are particular, and I think that they can be applied to other aspects of physical description as well, so hopefully you'll find it useful.

The only other things I find out of place, and which I think can be viewed from a broader spectrum, were the descriptions of the school uniforms and a slight contradiction in Isla's perspective of the Houses. As to the first, the school uniform you described seems to mainly be something brought up in the movies. In the books, they are only ever described as having wizards, with no Muggle-type school uniforms beneath. This tends to be written into fan-fic a lot though, and it's not really a big issue - however, I think it's particularly unlikely for them to have been wearing such clothes to school in the latter half of the 19th century. I used to mod the Historical category, and in that time, I noticed that one of the most common issues was little things slipping in that don't fit the setting of the story, and so that's something you have to watch out for. As to the Houses, I was confused because first you write, "He had said Slytherin was the only true house to be Sorted into," but then Ravenclaw is described as being "for students with a sharp and witty mind; they were the best at school." It seems to contradict the perception that was just expressed that Slytherin is really the best house. Would they really admit that the Ravenclaws were typically the best students in school, or that they were any more sharp and witty than the Slytherins? Something more condescending and sceptical would have been fitting here, perhaps along the lines of, "Ravenclaw was for students that, while not quite good enough for Slytherin, were reasonably intelligent and generally got good marks and did well in lessons." When writing about people who put themselves and their beliefs above others, you have to show that they do see things differently, how they justify their choices, and how they're perception is often distorted in their favour.

As I said, the chapter, structurally and content wise, is a very good introduction to and foundation for the story. Building up slowly, painting the picture of Isla, her family, her life and her world, and then bringing that very tense ending in which we see the dark side of how she lives. Rarely have I seen a first chapter done so well. It sets a fine example. I don't know how to commend you as highly as I wish to, except to say that if I were to teach a class on how to write an opening chapter, I would choose this chapter as a perfect illustration of doing so.

Moving through the next chapter, you continue to build on this pressure that Isla is under, by showing just how much Phineas, too, has become a domineering male figure in her life. Also, we get a greater insight to the demands placed on Isla - she's supposed to be so poised she doesn't even allow her stomach to growl! (I'm also suddenly aware of my own hunger). But, you don't overdo it. At the end of the exchange, Phineas smiles at her, encouragingly, and it almost seems that he's fair. So by the end of the incident, you have both shown the reader the severity with which Isla is brought up and justify why it is that she still respects her father and brother so much.
I was confused by the closing of the scene, when Isla says she's going to "be a good witch", and Phineas says "No, a Black’s never “good”. We’re to do well, Isla. Got that." My first impression is that he's correcting a grammatical mistake (but, he isn't; Isla's grammar was perfectly acceptable.) The other possibility is that he meant the Blacks are "more than good", but I'm not inclined to jump to that conclusion because "well" doesn't mean "better than good." Good is an adjective and well is an adverb. Something is good, and something is done well. I hope to "be a good witch", but to "perform magic well." So, I think it should have been either one of two ways: Isla should have said "I'm going to do good at Hogwarts", and Phineas could have corrected her as he did. Or you could have kept Isla's statement the same and had Phineas say something such as "No, a Black's never "good". Blacks are always exceptional..."
I enjoyed the glance of Lyrae in this chapter, again, my impression of her as someone who has been oppressed is strengthened. I don't know if this is your intention, but both by saying it's uncommon for her to show emotion and then shortly after seeing her reprimanded by her husband, it's the most sensible conclusion, and I think that I like you've characterised her this way. It's almost as if Isla is her mother, on a second chance, and she still has the opportunity to stop herself from ending up like that. So, two things there: one, I like that you're constantly developing your characters through their dialogue, actions and interactions. It strengthens the image of them, and it's wonderful how well you show rather than tell. The other thing, is that I do like this rather unspoken connection between Isla and Lyrae, two prisoners, trained to obey. It's just another wonderful facet of this family unit. And, judging from what we know about Isla Black, I'm looking forward to seeing Isla break away from this.

Then, the closing of the chapter, brought with the Isla getting her wand and being told the legend of the silver fir. First, let me tell you, I absolutely adore folklore, so -- *flail*. Yes, the tale in itself I thought was wonderful, but also how you used it. Possible upcoming plot points aside - Isla's fascination and her father's blatant condescension and disapproval. I absolutely love the conflict. And, aside from the mystery itself, it's already set up as a likely factor for the thought-wandering daughter and reality-bound father to have such opposing feelings about. So, other than the possibilities presented by the tale itself, the note you close this chapter on, the unspoken family conflict, Isla being of a different disposition than her father, is a very strong, important note, and once again you have masterfully structured the chapter, making excellent use of exposition and development of both the characters and plot and tying them together powerfully.

I suppose I shall leave this review at the first two chapters, as it's clearly long enough already. I do plan on carrying on with the other chapters, and I'm trying to be broad, but we'll see how many reviews it takes to catch up ;)

Author's Response: *le jaw drops* ... *silence* ... *even more silence*

I'm.
Still.
Speechless.
Thank you sooooooo much! But that's just an understatement. I can't say "thank you" often enough for the review you've written for my story. I feel honoured to have got such a wonderful, lovely, long SPEWly review for my story. Maybe I should hint more often... ;p

The explanation for the usage of "tan" was wonderful, and it helps me a lot for future stories where I'll look out for it. And also your paragraph with "doing good" and "doing well" and Isla's view of the Houses; I'm definitely going to keep in mind what you said for future stories I'll write. And the part with the description of the school uniforms: the mod pointed this out to me, too. I didn't think about it when writing, a mistake I admit. But I'm trying to look out for such small details now when writing because a reader and reviewer like you will catch on those easily.

And... *breathes deeply* ... I'm even much more honoured that if you were to teach a class, that you would take my first chapter as a good example. It really means very much to me, I can't say that often enough.

What impressed me a lot was your impression of Lyrae - and that only from the few glimpses I gave in both chapters! Wow. I'm not going to tell if you're right or wrong with your impression, because where would the suspense be?

Since I joined the forum and learned about SPEW I'd always loved to get a SPEW review of my own. Now I have - my wish has come true. Thank you so much for it! And I call myself the luckiest person on Earth that you've decided to read my story. Again thanks so much! *cuddles the best reviewer I've ever got*

~Bine

Reviewer: GringottsVault711 Signed
Date: 06/22/08 Title: Chapter 1: Choices

Okay, first – I love Sirius/Lily. I didn’t realise until I actual began reading that was the pairing. And I feel a little silly, I was thinking – “Why would someone have to choose between James and Lily, and what would that have to do with any pairing?” *facepalm* Once I began reading, it was crystal clear, though.

I really liked the constant, present-tense, switching point-of-view rhythm. It creates such a fantastic pace. I think you did a great job of getting information in – how did the relationship begin, progress, so on and so forth – through their thoughts without it feeling like a history lesson. I like the technique of weaving it into their thoughts – in order to figure out where they are and where they’re going, they do need to contemplate where they’ve been. So, it just worked perfectly. So natural.

The one thing that is always difficult with Sirius/Lily, IMO, is Sirius. Sirius has been characterised as James’ best best friend, who would never do anything to betray him. And we know that James has had serious feelings for Lily pretty much since he was old enough to appreciate her. So, yes, that’s always a tricky bit, and I feel like a lot of authors just write around it. But you’ve both explained how Sirius could do this, and furthermore, used it as a pivotal point of your story. So, thank you, for that. Really, great characterisation and relationship dynamics.

I’m generally very picky about first-person. Through reading I’ve come to realise that first-person should never be the default perspective for story-telling, and it should really only be used if it serves some sort of purpose, and when you do use first-person, you should stick to the idea that you are this person, using this person’s words/thoughts, prejudices and perceptions. I think you did a good job of this. I think a huge point in this story is perspective. How one situation can seem so different through the eyes of two different people. Lily becomes paranoid by Sirius’ desire to distance himself from her in public, but for Sirius, who knows how hurt James will be, it’s merely a the only way he can keep the two people he loves. Furthermore, not only have you employed first-person to a good cause, you’ve been true to the first-person perspective. Natural human trains of thought, repeated words in a moment of worry or panic. Contemplation, indecision, questioning. All as if we’re really in their minds.

In some places, the speech is a little better than would be expected in the average human mind. Words like “clandestine” and “surreptitiously”. But, reality must now and then be edited for the sake of fiction, and I think it works wonderfully. Also, word choice is exceptional. You aren’t verbose, but you use the right words, and now and then it’s a treasure that we don’t get to see often enough instead of the same old, same old, “secret” and “secretive” and “hidden”, etc;

Here and there, though, the tone wanders from what I would expect from the character. We have to edit their thoughts a little more neatly for fiction, but it still has to be true to something they would say. And my mental rule for that is, if they wouldn’t write it in a letter, then it’s not them. In a letter, you still write in your voice, but you have time to think of the right word and edit your feelings into the write flow. So, would Sirius, in any circumstance, internal monologue or otherwise, say “she was the metaphorical breath of fresh air”? The “metaphorical” additional clearly makes it less cliché sounding, but it still sounds odd to me in general and not Sirius-like at all. Sirius, when speaking what he feels, has a tendency to be literal with a moving clarity (“I would have died before I betrayed them.”). Also, the phrase “By contrast” also seems a little off and more reserved for something Percy Weasley would write in a history paper. It’s a nice way of keeping your writing from being redundant, but it doesn’t feel like Sirius. “No, instead, I admired her from afar,” would sound more natural. And it’s pretty clear that it’s a stark “contrast” to James shouting his devotions from rooftops. (Though, again, that’s a little more hyperbolic than Sirius’ mannerism lends itself to.)

In other places, though, the character’s tone just makes the meaning wonderfully clear: Oh, right. Protecting James’ delicate feelings. Of course! Hee. I loved Lily’s sarcasm, here.

I like this idea here: It’s our relationship – let’s do things for us. It seems to make perfect sense, to Lily who doesn’t really take James’ feelings seriously. But it’s not quite reality; you do have to respect other people and other relationships. An, again you have the two perceptions: because Sirius can really only be with Lily as long as James’ doesn’t know. So, for him, the only way for them to have a relationship at all is for it to be a secret.

It’s really touching how important James is to Sirius. That the friendship is that important. And that he’s fully conscious of it, fully afraid of losing James, fully afraid of losing him. The James-Sirius dynamic is one of my favourite things in the Potterverse, and you wrote it really beautifully. This story would always be classified as a Sirius/Lily romance, I think, because those are the characters, and their relationship is the premise; but at the heart its really a James/Sirius friendship, I think.

The end is so sad and beautiful. *sigh* I can’t say more than that. I do know that I’m dying to see how you would write James/Lily as a continuation of this universe. How Lily could manage to fall for James in spite of the betrayal it would be to Sirius, how Sirius would react, how Lily and Sirius would have to sit down at some point and acknowledge what’s happened. Ahhhh. I can’t stop thinking about it. *wonders if Kelly could be persuaded to write a companion piece or two*

I love this story. And I’m so glad I unwittingly stumbled on Sirius/Lily fic!

Author's Response: Oh, Jenna. Your review just made me so happy. I\'m afraid that my words do fail to express just how in love I am with your review. Thank you. I\'ve actually been thinking about companion pieces (knowing me, they won\'t be done quickly). I\'m sort of interested to see where the story could go myself. Oh, the friendship between Sirius and James. Gah, it\'s like an entity on its own. The friendship and loyalty between the two is such a beautiful thing. My original plan for the story was a bit of a role reversal - it was going to be Lily who fell in love with James and then wanted to leave Sirius. I think, though, that I went a little too far into their heads and they told me what to write. ;) Again, thank you so much for this review! b29;

Reviewer: GringottsVault711 Signed
Date: 08/31/09 Title: Chapter 1: Blood, Tears, and a Diamond

Ooh, this is a very well-pieced together story. What is most striking, I think is the precision of the words and sentences, as well as the way one paragraph leads to the next, one action leads to the next thought, that thought leads to the next action. It's such a sharp (no pun intended!) clear story. There's a sense of purpose and craftsmenship, as if I can feel you sewing the words together to match a vivid image in your head. It's wonderful to read, truly; there are many writers who just sort of write a stream of words that don't really lead anywhere, or use too many words or sentences to try and communicate one feeling or idea, but you are so far from that; I love the decisiveness of you're writing.

The story is quite defined by the imagery within it, and it's fitting that the imagery is sharp in the same way the words and paragraphs are. If I were to try and define this story to someone in a collection of words, it would be with ones such as broken glass, blood, and pain. Again, your writing has a ringing clarity, and it definitely plays a part in making these various elements tangible to the reader.

Re: imagery and pain, one of my absolute favourite things about this story is the way you played up on the contrast between Charity's fragility and the unyielding strength of the diamond. That was beautiful, it's really a powerful concept. More than just you're use of it is you're employment of it. You didn't beat it into the reader's head; it was actually a fairly brief mention, but just even reading the suggestion of it, my mind spun, thinking of the beauty of human nature in its weakness.

My favourite favourite part of this story is the Charity/Jack relationship. Even though we don't see them together at all, I can feel the power of it, and bond between the Witch and the Muggle; I find myself picturing moments between them, perhaps Jack's amusement at some of the things that come up in Charity's teaching, things he'd consider common knowledge or common sense. Often relationships with OC's, particularly Minor Charactater/OC pairings, don't really hit home for me when I read them. It feels like the author is trying too hard to invent something. But with your image of Charity/Jack, it's like you merely tapped into something that was already there, a love that exists, that is so natural that a reader can't help but not only believe in it, but also invest in it. Once more, I'll mention that sharpness and clarity. You're writing with no more or no less than you need; it just feels so natural and relatable.

I'm not quite sure about Dumbledore's letter. Yes, I imagine that Dumbledore would indeed be succinct and tactful, but the message was rather more brisk and less gentle than I would have expected. Not only that, but the words themselves seem pushy and somewhat condescending. An example, it makes me think of a parent telling a child "I trust you brushed your teeth."; they're telling the child, I assume you have, but if you haven't, you had better go do it. That's the sense I get from Dumbledore's letter. It seems as if he's impatient for a decision. I would expect something more openly sympathetic from him, along the lines of hoping that the month did her well and she had time to sort through her thoughts, and gently reminding her that, though it's a difficult time for her, there is a post awaiting her return and a decision to be made.

I can see why the letter is so brief, and how in some senses it seems what Dumbledore might say. But letters are such a formal, purposeful method of communication, with no tone to accompany it; even though in story format it's all writing, dialogue tends to project tone, and that fluidity of conversation that contrasts with the decisiveness of the letter, and the reader picks up on that when reading both forms of communication. Because of that, letters trickier to write in a story than a lot of people tend to realise, and I think maybe that's the reason that Dumbledore's letter strikes me as somewhat out-of-character for him.

The ending of this story really speaks volumes. The internal argument she has in her head is so real (your characterisation of Charity is so real-life human). And, just knowing the fate that Charity Burbage meets with – well, on one hand, it shows the reader the magnitude of what going back to Hogwarts really entails. I can imagine this would make a lot of readers sad for her, to know what she's heading into, to know that she's more or less doomed. For me, it makes me happy. Perhaps she's scared, but I think it's beautiful that she'll die doing what's right, and that, afterwards, she won't have to live without Jack anymore.

Overall, for me, this is story about righteousness and bravery and, "above all else", love. And that love is much more profound than what most "romances" manage to achieve. Beautiful ♥