Since I didn’t write anything for this, I can review it. *evil smirk*

The ballad was very nice. Knowing that Alice Longbottom never got a chance to tell Neville any of that was so sad! She was beginning to think she was in the clear, and then Bellatrix came and got her! *tears* I think Neville would like to see that. Perhaps it can either be worked into the story or made into a one-shot? Anyway, I’ll stop imposing my plot ideas on you and just comment how much I liked it.

The chapter itself was an emotional roller coaster ride. Harry’s ‘mood swings’ were very fast, which was appropriate because of everything he’s read. Still, my head’s spinning a bit from it all.

I especially enjoyed the bit about Harry almost seeing the first year boats on the lake. That shift of time was very well placed and emotional. However, Harry’s view of his father and Sirius seemed a bit too positive considering Snape’s Worst Memory and how it made Harry feel. Hopefully future chapters will bring ups and downs in that particular area.

The grammar and writing was quite good, but I would rework the last to paragraphs a bit. They don’t flow well upon closer examination. There’s a lot of commas and a bit of redundancy.

This story really does show potential, but it also has some places that could be a lot better with a little tweaking. Met pet peeves are canon errors and fanon misconceptions, so I’ll point out the two which are currently niggling at the back of my mind.

First, Ron would not be able to enchant a book, because as yet he isn’t allowed to use magic. This could be easily worked out by stating that he enchanted the book at school before leaving. Second; Hermione is many things, but stunning isn’t among them. Her intelligence and magical power, her courage, her determination to do what she believes is right-- all of these things should be attractive to Ron. But the word stunning weakens all those and places them on a back burner to her looks, and Hermione really isn’t all that pretty unless she’s really put in a concentrated effort.

Overall, a solid chapter with a few mistakes.

Author's Response: I realized about Ron and will change it ASAP. About Hermione is stunning. I know that she is not beautiful, but I was trying to show the beauty through the eyes of the beholder. I am so glad you liked the chapter.

The balance of this story was very nice, with plot, emotions, and a bit of cynicism to balance it out. Your writing displays your point very nicely, being practical without seeming cold. It is a very nice backdrop to the story, with just the right amount of description.

Of course in this story emotions need to be discussed: Lily’s fear as a mother, Remus’s jealousy when he feels like a third wheel, his guilt at his forced betrayal later, Harry’s optimism, Mrs. Figgs’s interest. Those were, for the most part, subtly and powerfully shown. My first con-crit is about Remus’s jealousy-- it seemed slightly blatant when compared to the more subtle explanations later on. I would suggest toning it down slightly, showing it more in words and actions and less in his thoughts.

Harry’s ability to give Remus new hope could be considered borderline cliché. I enjoyed it, but it is skirting very close to the perfect!Harry that many people hate. Be careful about that.

Onto the plot, then. Lily’s forcing Remus into making that promise spoke a lot towards her fear for her child and her resignation that whatever happened wasn’t likely to be good. The way the two conversed also showed them to be who they were; the serious ones in a group of pranksters.

Harry’s life at Privet drive seemed slightly off to me, but I’m rarely happy with what I see set there in his pre-Hogwarts days. However, his emotions were very well done. I commend you for that. And I think that’s enough for you to think about, so, good story and I’m finally done with this review.

Author's Response: Wow! That was quite a review. Thanks heaps for that... always good to hear back, specially the con-crit :)

I tend to prefer McKee when she’s written in third person, but this piece felt more natural than McKee’s Betrayal, especially towards the ending. I’m coming to terms with McKee’s ‘voice,’ though it continually irks me that she thinks with a better vocabulary than I do. I guess that means her abrasiveness is coming through in the writing, and also comments negatively on my life if I have time to feel threatened by an OC in a fandom.

Speaking of her abrasiveness; McKee has this to say about herself: I never was one who possessed tact. I’m not sure if I never learned or never cared. It was probably the latter. This sentence is sufficient to give McKee’s conscious thought on the topic of tact, but also subtly hints that perhaps she does care- that she takes pride in her lack of tact. That is done very nicely. However, you also mention her lack of tact in the narrative here: I pointed without remorse or tact at a young Slytherin girl. The second mention feels like overkill to me, as though your driving it into the readers minds. You don’t need to tell us she isn’t tactful- it’s obvious. And you show her opinion on the topic better in the other excerpt. There’s no need to harp on it.

McKee’s desire for someone to find out about her parentage serves to drive home how alone she is and reminds the reader that no one around her knows. It’s well placed and nicely done, leaving me nothing the complain about.

McKee’s sensing that Hagrid’s leading a double life? I’m not sure whether this makes her sensitive (because she’s noticing Order stuff) or insensitive (because Hagrid is hardly discreet.) It was an interesting bit to throw in, though, and I wonder where you’re intending to take it. I assume that McKee will find out about the Order at some point if her friendship with Ginny continues, and I’m curious as to what will happen there.

My next point is the paragraph about Madam Pince. It was highly amusing to hear McKee’s insightful opinion of her but it did remind me of what Trelawney said to Hermione in the third book (or was it movie?) about books. I’m not sure if the irony of McKee and Trelawney sounding alike was intentional or not, but I thought I’d point it out. It made me chuckle again to think of the horror Trelawney and McKee would both feel if they knew they were borrowing ideas from each other.

Now then, I think I’ve covered every other imaginable topic, so I’ll finally mention the other character in this story. I’m not much of a fan of dear Ginny’s, but I’ll make an effort to grit my teeth and bear the pain of H/G just for you, Lex. And I can’t come up with a legitimate excuse to bash their topic of conversation, since it actually worked out well. For the record, though, I would have preferred to see them talk about the merits of snails in potion making or something equally unrelated to the sort of gossip McKee is supposed to hate. Personally, I would have chosen a different friend for her, but since Ginny’s personality works out well I won’t moan too much.

Concluding: The writing flowed smother, the plot moved along nicely, McKee was very McKee-ish, and I liked the chapter very much despite some three hundred words of nonstop complaints that you now get to respond to.

Mrs. Longbottom is wonderful! So worried about what is proper, so determined to hold on to her dignity, and so generally absentminded in her story-telling. I really liked the way she refuses to show emotion, and how stern she is. It fits perfectly with what we know of her from the books; similarly, it’s ironic that she mentions giving Neville love at the end. I’ve always got the feeling that she has a hard time showing that to Neville, though I’ve never doubted her love for him.

Choosing to use the older china, because her hands are shaking and she doesn’t want to break the new, really made it apparent how upset she was when her words and other actions didn’t. It was so touching.

The poor lady: she wonders what she did wrong to make Frank become an Auror, and then she wants Frank back so she pushes Neville down the same route. And why can’t she see that Neville is following in the footsteps of the ancestor that made them so very rich. She’s caught up in such a maze of emotions there, and she can’t work herself free!

There were a few sentences that seemed off, so here they are with suggested corrections:

He informed me of Frank and Alice’s capture, and tried to evade telling me exactly what happened but I fixed him with my steely gaze and told him in no uncertain terms that if he didn’t tell me immediately what had happened to my son I was going to get very angry. The previous sentence is quite unwieldy. Perhaps you want to split it up a bit?

They both nodded sympathetically and I could see they thought I was an unfeeling old harridan but one should never let one’s feelings show in situations such as this. This is a bit ambiguous. I know that Mrs. Longbottom is the one who doesn’t let her feelings show, but the sentence runs that together with their opinion of her as an ‘unfeeling old harridan.’

I still take his photographs out and look at them fondly, such a nice boy he was. This sounds off. ‘Such a nice boy he was,’ doesn’t fit with the rest of the sentence. I think you need to put a period in, like this: …look at them fondly. He was such a nice boy.

Perhaps then Neville wouldn’t have been quite so hopeless as he is. I think there’s a tense error there. “Perhaps then Neville wouldn’t be quite so hopeless as he is,” might be more correct.

I put the broken pieces of Frank’s wand in the little box I have with all his personal things in it although I do wish it were still in use. This confused me a bit when I read it. It needs some punctuation—maybe a comma?—or something.

Those lines aside, this is a very insightful look into Mrs. Longbottom’s life. You’ve filled it to the top with little details that make it come alive, and you’ve brought my sympathies to a woman who I’ve always thought was cruel and cold. Thanks!

How very ironic! He’s too afraid of the pain to cut himself then…. And yet, later he cuts off his finger and then his whole hand for Voldemort. If only he’d had the bravery to do it then. I’m sure he regretted it in the years to come, especially in the Shrieking Shack. What was it Sirius said? “Then you should have died rather than betray your friends, as we would have done for you!” (or something like that.) And to imagine that he came so close… he must have felt sick when he heard that.

This entire story is so sad! It brings up a thousand what-ifs and brings the reader so close to what could have been. If only Voldemort had waited a moment longer to call Peter. If only Peter had been a bit stronger, a bit quicker… then Harry never would have lived with the Dursleys… and so on and so forth.

On a more technical note. I’ve always wondered what would happen if the Secret Keeper died. I’d come to the conclusion that the spell would just vanish. If it were possible for the Secret Keeper to carry the secret to their grave, some people would simply kill their own Secret Keeper… It worked well for the purpose of this story, though, and it certainly isn’t an implausible idea.

Josh’s fan wasn’t to blame for his confusion. It’s very hard to tell exactly what the Moon Charm did, and the purpose it served. A bit more explanation of that would be very helpful. Still, the scene with Peter picking it up was very well done.

Speaking of Peter, I love the way you portrayed him. He’s so perfectly despicable in his weakness, always being sucked further in. The bit about his reflection, and how it used to smile back at him, was nice. It was a reminder that he used to be a Marauder, even though he wasn’t really anymore. Without that, he would have seem too overdone.

And now I reach the end of my ramblings. I’m tired. Forgive oddness. But I really liked the story.

Author's Response: Hi Mask! *waves* Thank you for reviewing. This is the first time I've seen a review from you. Cool! And it's a good point about killing their own Secret-Keeper. A bit morbid, but a good point nonetheless. And I'm planning a fic just about when Lily gives Remus the Moon Charm. It'll be good I think... Thank you so much for your review!

The Nutcracker scene was really the first time we’ve seen Ninette enjoy anything; It’s nice to know she can. It almost surprised me that she could enjoy watching so much, when she spends a great deal of time focusing on the technical details of dancing, and it’s wonderful too. This chapter gave me a lot of hope for her future—maybe she won’t spend her entire life under her aunt’s mind control.

On the same note, I loved the scene in which she stood up to her aunt. I’d been wondering why she was a Gryffindor; that explained it perfectly. And what did happen to her mother, anyway? I assume that’s something which will be explained in time. Although, the idea that her mum fell in love with a Wizard just occurred to me—probably way off, but it would explain Ninette’s magical ability, and since we don’t know her father…

The family next door reminds me quite strongly of the Weasleys. It seems as though Ninette might meet the rest of the Weasley family some day: I hope she does. They’d help overcome her shyness, if they didn’t smother her first.

I was nearly in tears reading this chapter, thinking of poor, lonely Ninette all alone in her room watching the party—and knowing that she doesn’t have the social skills to attend something like that. You’ve done a wonderful job with her, and this chapter was as good as I’d expected.

Author's Response: For Ninette, dancing is both the thing over which Aunt Edris has the most control, and the place where she is most free. I really wanted to show that in this chapter - that even though she has no choice about dancing, even though it controls the rest of her life - she still loves it. It\'s a sort of love/hate relationship, I think, though not in the usual sense. As for Ninette\'s family history, I haven\'t quite figured it out yet...I only know snippets myself. >.>

I wasn’t sure what to expect when I started reading this: I’ve never seen any of your writing before, so I was slightly apprehensive. My worries were cleared up immediately—the writing was smooth, interesting, and easy to read. It drew me into the story instead of tripping me up. It tended to evoke emotions more than images, and those emotions it brought forth were done subtly.

In that vein, you’ve developed a very strong character in the aunt, and allowed Ninette to be overshadowed by her in the story as much as she is in real life. I can’t wait to see what unsuspected traits emerge now that Ninette is escaping from under her aunt’s shadow.

I liked the well-meaning stream of criticism that rained down on Ninette. It was so very realistic; painful without being deliberately cruel. Typical, again, was the disregard her aunt showed for Ninette’s own wishes, as though by virtue of being a child Ninette had no right to opinions.

The one line that threw me was this: An odd expression crossed Theresa’s face. The last thing Ninette needed was more time with her aunt. “Would you like that?” she asked. We jump too quickly from outside Theresa (an odd expression) to Theresa’s thoughts (The last thing Ninette needed…). It leaves me wondering when we moved from watching her face to being inside her—I think it could be worked more subtly.

Diagon Alley was quite interesting. Was that Dung in the Leaky Cauldron? And does Ninette’s aunt have super-human self control, or does she know something about the magical world that you haven’t revealed yet? *runs off to read future chapters*

Author's Response: Several people told me, upon reading the first chapter, that Ninette wasn\'t enough of a presence; I didn\'t show enough of her thoughts or feelings. I\'m absolutely delighted to see your response, because that was exactly what I was hoping for. Ninette\'s presence is overshadowed by her aunt\'s - she hardly admits her thoughts and feelings to herself, much less the reader.

You are completely right about the line where it morphs into Theresa\'s POV. I originally intended to write this from an omniscient POV. It turned out to be third person limited, but I left that line in because I couldn\'t think of a way of making Theresa\'s thoughts clear without it, and I was afraid that Ninette\'s position wouldn\'t be clear enough if Theresa didn\'t state it. It\'s definitely an example of telling rather than showing, as well as a case of inconsistant POV - I had hoped nobody would notice, but I obviously underestimated my readers. ;) Thanks for pointing it out, and I\'ll see what I can do to fix it.

If I haven’t told you already, I love this story. Ninette is a wonderful character: you’ve made her so painfully shy—and explained the reasons so well—that the reader can’t help but sympathize with her. And then, by showing us Tonks’s POV, you make the reader understand why the other characters are so cruel to her: she really does come across as a snob. It’s wonderful the way you’ve set up the situation, where neither of them is really in the wrong, and yet they just can’t seem to get along.

The more I see of Ninette’s aunt the more I want to cause her great pain; but clearly, she isn’t intentionally cruel. It makes her a wonderfully well-rounded character as well. In fact, I’m having difficulty thinking of anyone who you haven’t fleshed out, although I’m slightly confused by Charlie’s decision to sit with her. It probably made perfect sense to an outgoing person, but being reserved myself, I can’t imagine why he would.

I don’t know anything about ballet, so I can’t really comment upon that, except to say that you’ve done a wonderful job showing us how hard she reaches for her goals, even if some readers don’t quite know what she’s doing in her lessons. I like her instructor: she’s strict enough to do the job. However, I wonder if we’ll see any other sides of her?

I’m sure there was something else I meant to say, but… I seem to have forgotten it. Oh, did I mention that I love this story?

Author's Response: If I haven\'t told you already, I love your reviews! I have to say, I didn\'t actually realize how much of a snob Ninette appears in the Tonks chapters until people started reviewing. I suppose it was because I knew what was going on in Ninette\'s head, but I was worried that people were going to tell me that Tonks was being unreasonable. To my great surprise, the majority of people seem to be on Tonks\' side! I have a few chapters in store with some more interaction between the two, and I can\'t wait to see how people react - because it always seems to be different from my expectations!

I read chapter three late last night, and meant to review - but reviewing late at night, with little sleep, usually means reviewing in a scrambled and nonsensical manner. There were several lines in chapter three that had me laughing (bless Dung for naming Snape ‘sunshine’!). Actually, most of the lines about Snape were funny. Dumbledore was wonderful again. Chapter three was the best so far; it flowed very well and was generally enjoyable.

Now, onto the chapter I’m actually reviewing. There were a few places when I was confused; it took me a moment to realize that there were two first year dorms, for instance. Also, this (Friday evening arrived . . . On top of his coursework. ) paragraph was a bit choppy, and played in my head in monotone.

Thestral hair. It’s an interesting choice, because it varies away from the three wand cores we see used in canon, but I can see it working. And I loved how Remus stood up for himself as he explained the truth about Thestrals. It was a good point at which to remind the reader of the background you’ve given us, and it fit right in.

Generally, I have to say that I completely love Remus. He’s perfectly in character throughout, interesting, original, and loveable. Very loveable. Loveable enough that I want to take him home and hide him in my closet, and inform him that I don’t mind werewolves at all.

Author's Response: Ah thank you again, Mask. Your thoughtful reviews have had me looking back at these earlier chapters for the first time in a while and... *blushes* Hmmm...I see what you mean about the choppy monotone paragraph. Thanks.

I figured the Thestral hair could be used because it comes from a very magical creature and that seems to be the requirement for wand cores and since Fleur had a wand core of Veela hair, I decided the three described weren't the only ones, just the most common. Plus, I really like thestrals. They might be my favorite creature in the Potterverse. Next to Moony, of course!

I'm glad Dumbledore is still good. That makes me very pleased to hear. And I'm so glad you love Remus...but you'll have to duel me for him. He's going to live in my closet!