10/30/06
So, thou hast resorted to alighting on Zoheb's author page? BWAHAHAHA...! Thou shalt never leave this place of nightmares eternal; my hypnotic powers COMPEL you to stay!
...
Still here? Good, I thought that you had left already. Thats what a sensible person would do anyway... which would mean that you are not a sensible person! Good for you! You sound like the sort of person I like to know.
Now, things can only get wierder from here, so just remember that all you have to do is press backspace and you'll be reasonably safe.
SCOREBOARD:Zoheb : 2, Mods: 3
Now then, *rubs hands together* on to the unnecessary personal information! Huzzar!
Name: Chuckles the Flying Skull... no, I'm just joking- or am I?
Date of Birth: 26-10-1992
Lunatic Rating: Not first class. Harmless and taciturn... but only when sleeping.
Personality: Not a very pleasant person. Very emotional and angers easily. Has strange moments when all logic seems to be thrown out the window. Proceed with caution.
Nationality: Bangladeshi. We used to be in first place for Most Corrrupt Country... but no longer. THEY STOLE IT FROM US: OUR PRECIOUS! *Gollum! Gollum!*
Religion: Islam. I like it, so there!
Physical description: What's it to you?
Favorite Activities: Being wierd and random; being taciturn and boring; being intelligent and sarcastic; playing Strategy Games; listening to good music; reading fantasy, crazy sci-fi, general science fiction, thrillers, comedies, comics; sketching; and (My favorite) staring into the distance, silent in my thoughts (Mostly involving apocalyptic battles with lots of lovely dragons slaughtering each other, with the odd horror of Hell thrown in here and there).
Favorite literature: The Lord of the Rings, the Silmarillion, the very inaccurately named Hitchhikers Trilogy, Angels and Demons, Harry Potter, Jurassic Park, Congo, Life of Pi, The Ruby in the Smoke, The Shadow in the North, The Tiger in the Well, The Tin Princess, To Kill a Mockingbird, the Old Kingdom Trilogy, Discworld, AVENGER, P. G. Wodehouse, JOB: A Comedy of Justice, The Wheel of Time series.
Favorite comic series: Asterix
Favorite bands: Opeth, Dream Theater, Tool, Liquid Tension, Porcupine Tree, Pink Floyd, Helloween, A Perfect Circle, In Flames, Queensryche. The full list is quite exhaustive.
Favorite poem: 'Oh freddled gruntbuggly’ (Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz)
Favorite qoutes:
"I think you ought to know I'm feeling very depressed"- Marvin (The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy)
"Your weasels are untied!"- Rejwanul Islam
"BWAHAHAHAHA (So ad infinitum)"- Any evil lord worth his salt.
"These Romans are crazy!"- Obelix (Asterix)
"What'cha got for me, Billy-bob? "- Myself (Oh, how I long to use it in a proper conversation!)
"Go away: I'm alright..."- H. G. Wells (Last words)
"I'm gaseous, invisible... and deadly"- Undead Shade (Warcraft 3: TFT)
"If there's only one nation in the sky, then shouldn't all passpors be valid for it?"- Piscine Molitor Patel (Life of Pi)
Thank you for taking an interest. By now you should have realized that all your efforts have been for naught, because sleazes like me are running amock all over the place. 'Tis a sad, sad reality of the world.
You can talk to me on msn if you feel like it- just don't bother me too much.
I have decided that you can only be allowed to speak to me after you answer these simple (Oh, don't you just wish they were!) questions:
A) If I were to peel a potato, would I sing "Boulevard of Broken Dreams" or "Take this Life' as I peel it?
B) How many wildebeests am I holding up?
C) Complete this sentence: "Hello, my name is Voldemort and my favorite Pokemon is [Insert name here]".
D) If London was a giant cucumber, then what would Dhaka be? (This is the most important question of them all).
E) Have you ever dreamt about cottage cheese with onions- and a side-order of tuna casserole?
F) Are you still here?
G) Suggest a good name for the star actor in the movie "The Last Dodo Hero."
H) "Dolores Umbridge is so blazin' hot"- if that thought is crossing your mind right now, then stay the Niflheim away from me.
Mail me with the answers, and I will decide whether you are worthy... or else you will be blocked with a titanium wall... bwahahaha...
Goodbye, young rhinoceros: may you graze long and well.
Oh...! As I leave you, I would just like you to read this little ditty I cooked up *clears throat*:
"Oh, Switzerland/ How I dream of thee...!/ Where the sun doth shine,/ and the chocolate is free...!"
CUT! Aaannd that's a wrap!
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The Dark Lord's Blog by Schmerg_The_Impaler
Rated: 1st-2nd Years •
Summary: What does Lord Voldemort do in his spare time? Well, that's an excellent question. Who would have known that the Dark Lord has a blog? (He also has a loyal following of readers, most of whom are Death Eaters and who post their comments.) Voldemort dispenses advice on everything from murder methods to germ protection to Power Rangers to shoes, and gives an account of the life of an evil overlord. But is he posting too much personal information online? And will Harry read it and find out more about the Dark Lord than Voldemort ever intended? Read and see.
WARNING: Extremely OOC behaviour from almost all.
RUNNER-UP in the 2007 Quicksilver Quills Awards for Best Humour fic! Also nominated like 21 times, because apparently my readers are as insane as I am!
Date: 12/13/06 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1: Don't Try This At Home
And how about 'Lemmings of the Apocalypse'?
Author's Response: 0_0 That\'s my favourite!!
Date: 11/30/06 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1: Don't Try This At Home
http://www.thedailystar.net/rising/2006/11/05/scr01.htm
Follow that link. It'll take you to an article in the 'Rising Stars', a sort of bonus paper published in Dhaka.
That article's quite good.
Author's Response: Haha, that\'s really good! I love it!
(And it sounds suspiciously like your writing...)
Date: 12/08/06 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1: Don't Try This At Home
Why is it that butterflies are pink? And how come everything seems so lemony and Chinese? Oooh, look, its Bill Clinton!
...
Ooookaaay... that was wierd. I was expermineting with my subconscious, by seeing what the first thing my mind could come up with.
My mind is diseased.
Author's Response: Excuse me, ma\'am, but here\'s a rabid wolverine in your pants.
Sorry, I think my mind is even more diseased.
Date: 11/26/06 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1: Don't Try This At Home
My friend Yellow and Dangerous was telling me today that the two of us made a fatal error yesterday. But told you nothing about Rapid Action Battalion uniforms! It's all our fault! DON'T TAKE US TA JAIL, PLEAE, WE BEGS YA!
Anyway, RAB, in a heroic attempt to look cool and mysterious wears (Brace yourself) Black uniforms consisting of black trousers, black rifles, black shirts, black shades (Oh, the coolnes!) and... black bandanas.
So, if they ARE after Voldy, they'd tell him:
"Lord Voldemort, all of your Horcruxes have been destroyed in crossfire. You are now weak and powerless, so TREMBLE before the AWESOME might of our black bandanas, or else we shall blind you with our shiny sunglasses! (HIC!)"
As you can see, everybody enjoys making fun of RAB while they're backs are turned the other way.
Author's Response: WOW. *Blinks seven times*
Date: 12/01/06 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1: Don't Try This At Home
I have said this before and I will say it again: "GOD SAVE THE DALAI LAMA! May he smile upon our measly attempt to save an owl from extinction!"
Author's Response: ^_^ This is random, but I\'ve always found the Dalai Lama\'s name vastly amusing to say.
Date: 11/26/06 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1: Don't Try This At Home
wait a minute... by 1996, you mean that HBP BEGINS in 1996, right? So it would end at around the middle of 1997? So, would the beggining of the summer holidays be at around early August? Yeess...?
Author's Response: Yes, it would happen in 1997. But the beginning of the summer holidays would be in June-- Harry\'s birthday is in the middle of holidays, and it\'s July 31st.
Date: 12/01/06 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1: Don't Try This At Home
Comrades, push! PUSH! May we never labor in vain! PUSH, I TELL YOU! PUSH!
Author's Response: You sound like you\'re helping your wife give birth.
Date: 12/05/06 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1: Don't Try This At Home
I'm at this moment tapping away at "So You Wanna." The Mods have aroused my wrath this time, and I'm not takin' any chances! I've decided that I'm going to get some outside opinion on it once I'm done. Shall I send it out to you once i'm finished writing the first chapter? If so, send me an e-mail through the MSN Id I've got given out on my bio, and I'll send it back to you for a read through the reply (I'm saying the MSN adress provided there becuase I wouldn't trust the 'contact author' buttons with my life! *looks suspiciously at said button.*)
A bit of beta-reading wouldn't hurt either.
Author's Response: I would beta it if you\'d like!
Date: 11/20/06 Title: Chapter 5: Chapter 5: The Plot Sickens (Or: Not-Fan Mail)
Hey, Schmergo!
Gollum and Smeagol, my good friends have just read your fic, liked it, and wanted to write a review! So...
GOLLUM:Give us a hint, Precious. Who is this blondeD? Is it crunchable, is it tasty? Do we knows them, Schmergo my love? Go on, give us the answers and we shall be ables to take the Precious and become the master... and still keep promises. *Gollum, Gollum*
SMEAGOL: No, too risky! The fat hobbit: HE SUSPECTS US!
GOLLUM: Why don't you talk a walk, Smeagol my love? NOW. And leave us with Schmergo... *Fingers twitch and a lunatic gleam comes to his eye*
SMEAGOL: No, not! Your going to throttle her!
GOLLUM: Make her crawl... she's a Baggins, and we hates Bagginses!
SMEAGOL: No!
GOLLUM: What is it, precious? Is Smeagol losing his nerve?
SMEAGOL: No, not!
ZOHEB: You two! Get lost, you're burning moonlight! *Gollum side of Smeagol's personality dissapears*
SMEAGOL: Go away and never come back! Smeagol is free! *Dances the jig*
ZOHEB: I meant you too. *Smeagol leaves.*
ZOHEB: Forgive them, they have no table manners at all! I hope you understood what they were trying to ask... 'cause I sure didn't! (:-D)
Author's Response: Wow, I\'m honoured! A Lord of the Rings character (and his split personality) have reviewed my fic!
And I get to be a Baggins? How cool is that?!
In any case, you shall see in the next chapter who blondeD is. As for blondeD being tasty... I guess that\'s a matter of opinion!
Date: 11/21/06 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1: Don't Try This At Home
That Madelynn friend of yours seems to be in a dilemna (She's really taking her role seriously, eh?). I have a suggestion for an evil name she might like: Madame Lich.
And an evil phrase: " You see a world, I see a graveyard. BWAHAHAHA!"
Thank you.
Author's Response: Oooh... you win. That\'s good.
Date: 12/01/06 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1: Don't Try This At Home
'Push' as in 'push Hedwig's incriminating review down'... but you knew that already, didn't you?
Author's Response: Yeah, I was kidding...
Date: 12/12/06 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1: Don't Try This At Home
How about 'Hitmen Hired to Gun Down Apples'? Or 'Crouching Penguin, Hidden Tomato'?
Author's Response: Those are both very, er, surreal names! I like \"Pink Carcinogen,\" myself (named after Sweet\'n\'Low. My friend said to me at lunch one day, \"Schmergo, could you pass me the pink carcinogen?\" And I was like \"What a great band name!\" I\'m also quite fond of \"The Seldom Herd.\"
Author's Response: Spelled H-E-R-D, not H-E-A-R-D. LIke, a herd of cows.
Date: 11/30/06 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1: Don't Try This At Home
I second that, Grand Admiral- HIC!- tha'sh jusht not cricket, old fruit! All this talk of cheesecake is distracting me from my tea, good chaps1 Tally-ho-HIC!
God save the Dalai Lama! Bless his cotton socks! HOC! Tha'sh right, Admiral.
Author's Response: Are we feeling drunk and Anglophilic today?
Date: 12/12/06 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1: Don't Try This At Home
What instrument dost thou play? Is it the bass guitar, the electric guitar, the sitar, the piano, the keyboard, the harmonium, the rubber band, the bottle, the traditional drums, the pad drums, or (My favorite) mayonnaise?
Author's Response: The mayonnaise, of course! No, just kidding. I\'m the lead singer.
Date: 12/05/06 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1: Don't Try This At Home
Hmm, yes, I may do that. You see, as I write the fic, I'm eager to know what other people will think of it. A second opinion IS important. Therefore, Madelynn, your offer is very shiny (In my twisted brain, the word 'shiny' is synonymous to 'cool'. Please, do not ask. ). If Schmergo accepts, I'll send it to both of you for a lookie. My purpose is mainly to get a second (third?) opinion, and correction of any mistakes that might be spotted (my english isn't utterly sqeaky clean- once it was, but now...). And of course, suggestions are always welcome.
madellyn, if I DO send it to you, please don't give me the *Puts on granpa Simpson voice* "I wash onsh fourteen too, ya know; and let me tell ya, in my time everything was cheapah... shpecially diarrhoea!" speech. Anything but that. ANYTHING! I begs ya!
Author's Response: I would love to look over your story... and I also like to say \'shiny\' to mean cool, so that\'s just fantastic.
Your English seems pretty darn squeaky clean to me.
Date: 12/13/06 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1: Don't Try This At Home
(Hedwig! Why didn't I think of that?)
TOM, WHERE'S THAT THERE NEW IRON COBRA I WANTED!!!????!!! YOU BETTER BUY IT, OR I'LL QUIT AND HEAD OVER TO 'THE REALLY AWESOME BAND NO ONE HAS HEARD OF BEFORE'!! SEE IF I DON'T!
- Posted by DaNzGuLDaDdY.
Author's Response: HEY, IT\'S SOMEONE ELSE STUCK IN CAPS LOCK!
--Fifteen-year-old angsty Harry
Date: 11/23/06 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1: Don't Try This At Home
Listen up, people I have a sad, sad little story for all of you to listen to (Yes, even the ones I don't like):
I once had a Harry Potter parody. I innocently offered said parody to Mugglenet. I wait two weeks for them to approve that parody. And tonight I find said parody to have been rejected. They didn't even leave a note.
They're evil.
Bear with me... I need drown my sorrows. *Drown sorrows*
Now... I suppose I should have foreseen this. Trouble is... what do I write now? Any suggestions? Anyone?
I am so depressed. *Drowns sorrows again*
Author's Response: Awww... I just got a humour fiction I wrote called \"Of Pantyhose and Performing Arts\" rejected due to the fact that it was too \'over-the-top,\' which I guess I can allow. After all, depicting Voldypoo as having a pantyhose obsession among other things can come off as a bit strange.
Date: 01/01/07 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1: Don't Try This At Home
Happy New Year, Eid Mubarak, and Joyous sunday.
Wow, that's THREE things on the same day! Impressive.
Author's Response: YAY! It\'s totally 2007! (As, er, opposed to partially or what have you...)
Date: 12/03/06 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1: Don't Try This At Home
Ys, I tried to join them forums because I had nothing better to do. The registration bit was easy, as is usual. But then... they told me that they sent an e-mail with a link that I have to follow if I want to post on the forums. And you know what happened next, I'm sure...? That's right: their e-mail never turned up. Villains! I shall rend them in the gobberwarts with my blundencruncheon, see if i don't!
Author's Response: Hmm... that happened to me, too, then I tried it on my Dad\'s email address, and WHAMMO! I had an account.
Date: 12/21/06 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1: Don't Try This At Home
After a week long absence in the mysterious lands of Jamba (which is next to Mamba, which is next to Yamba, which is next to Zamba...) i have returned with the joyous news that my winter vaction has begun. This means that I can finally get down to writing the first chapter of my epic story. That's right: I still haven't had much progress in this endeavour. I was busy studying, listening to music, being depressed, reading books I've already read, and directing hordes of naked Mayans into battle against the insidious Hunnic cavalry. But now that I have free time, I will enjoy rapid progress. I am confident that I'll be able to give it to you by next Thursday.
Here's to wishful thinking!
Author's Response: Huzzah! Too bad there aren\'t any naked Mayans around these parts to command... whoa, that sounded wrong...