10/30/06
So, thou hast resorted to alighting on Zoheb's author page? BWAHAHAHA...! Thou shalt never leave this place of nightmares eternal; my hypnotic powers COMPEL you to stay!
...
Still here? Good, I thought that you had left already. Thats what a sensible person would do anyway... which would mean that you are not a sensible person! Good for you! You sound like the sort of person I like to know.
Now, things can only get wierder from here, so just remember that all you have to do is press backspace and you'll be reasonably safe.
SCOREBOARD:Zoheb : 2, Mods: 3
Now then, *rubs hands together* on to the unnecessary personal information! Huzzar!
Name: Chuckles the Flying Skull... no, I'm just joking- or am I?
Date of Birth: 26-10-1992
Lunatic Rating: Not first class. Harmless and taciturn... but only when sleeping.
Personality: Not a very pleasant person. Very emotional and angers easily. Has strange moments when all logic seems to be thrown out the window. Proceed with caution.
Nationality: Bangladeshi. We used to be in first place for Most Corrrupt Country... but no longer. THEY STOLE IT FROM US: OUR PRECIOUS! *Gollum! Gollum!*
Religion: Islam. I like it, so there!
Physical description: What's it to you?
Favorite Activities: Being wierd and random; being taciturn and boring; being intelligent and sarcastic; playing Strategy Games; listening to good music; reading fantasy, crazy sci-fi, general science fiction, thrillers, comedies, comics; sketching; and (My favorite) staring into the distance, silent in my thoughts (Mostly involving apocalyptic battles with lots of lovely dragons slaughtering each other, with the odd horror of Hell thrown in here and there).
Favorite literature: The Lord of the Rings, the Silmarillion, the very inaccurately named Hitchhikers Trilogy, Angels and Demons, Harry Potter, Jurassic Park, Congo, Life of Pi, The Ruby in the Smoke, The Shadow in the North, The Tiger in the Well, The Tin Princess, To Kill a Mockingbird, the Old Kingdom Trilogy, Discworld, AVENGER, P. G. Wodehouse, JOB: A Comedy of Justice, The Wheel of Time series.
Favorite comic series: Asterix
Favorite bands: Opeth, Dream Theater, Tool, Liquid Tension, Porcupine Tree, Pink Floyd, Helloween, A Perfect Circle, In Flames, Queensryche. The full list is quite exhaustive.
Favorite poem: 'Oh freddled gruntbuggly’ (Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz)
Favorite qoutes:
"I think you ought to know I'm feeling very depressed"- Marvin (The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy)
"Your weasels are untied!"- Rejwanul Islam
"BWAHAHAHAHA (So ad infinitum)"- Any evil lord worth his salt.
"These Romans are crazy!"- Obelix (Asterix)
"What'cha got for me, Billy-bob? "- Myself (Oh, how I long to use it in a proper conversation!)
"Go away: I'm alright..."- H. G. Wells (Last words)
"I'm gaseous, invisible... and deadly"- Undead Shade (Warcraft 3: TFT)
"If there's only one nation in the sky, then shouldn't all passpors be valid for it?"- Piscine Molitor Patel (Life of Pi)
Thank you for taking an interest. By now you should have realized that all your efforts have been for naught, because sleazes like me are running amock all over the place. 'Tis a sad, sad reality of the world.
You can talk to me on msn if you feel like it- just don't bother me too much.
I have decided that you can only be allowed to speak to me after you answer these simple (Oh, don't you just wish they were!) questions:
A) If I were to peel a potato, would I sing "Boulevard of Broken Dreams" or "Take this Life' as I peel it?
B) How many wildebeests am I holding up?
C) Complete this sentence: "Hello, my name is Voldemort and my favorite Pokemon is [Insert name here]".
D) If London was a giant cucumber, then what would Dhaka be? (This is the most important question of them all).
E) Have you ever dreamt about cottage cheese with onions- and a side-order of tuna casserole?
F) Are you still here?
G) Suggest a good name for the star actor in the movie "The Last Dodo Hero."
H) "Dolores Umbridge is so blazin' hot"- if that thought is crossing your mind right now, then stay the Niflheim away from me.
Mail me with the answers, and I will decide whether you are worthy... or else you will be blocked with a titanium wall... bwahahaha...
Goodbye, young rhinoceros: may you graze long and well.
Oh...! As I leave you, I would just like you to read this little ditty I cooked up *clears throat*:
"Oh, Switzerland/ How I dream of thee...!/ Where the sun doth shine,/ and the chocolate is free...!"
CUT! Aaannd that's a wrap!
[Report This]
The Dark Lord's Blog by Schmerg_The_Impaler
Rated: 1st-2nd Years •
Summary: What does Lord Voldemort do in his spare time? Well, that's an excellent question. Who would have known that the Dark Lord has a blog? (He also has a loyal following of readers, most of whom are Death Eaters and who post their comments.) Voldemort dispenses advice on everything from murder methods to germ protection to Power Rangers to shoes, and gives an account of the life of an evil overlord. But is he posting too much personal information online? And will Harry read it and find out more about the Dark Lord than Voldemort ever intended? Read and see.
WARNING: Extremely OOC behaviour from almost all.
RUNNER-UP in the 2007 Quicksilver Quills Awards for Best Humour fic! Also nominated like 21 times, because apparently my readers are as insane as I am!
Date: 12/01/06 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1: Don't Try This At Home
Comrades, our work is proceeding quite nicely. The evidence is sinking down. If any of you feel like backing down at any time, remember: there's an owl's account at stake.
Oh... and if I learn that any of you cretins (Be not offended- I too am a cretin) have gone and snitched to the Mods, I am so going to send Chuckles the Flying Skull after you! He shall torture you to death with his mediocre poetry: "Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall/ Humpty Dumpty had a phone call"...
Get the picture? We're all in this together.
Author's Response: But I thought YOU were Chuckles the Flying Skull! *Pokes your user profile*
Date: 11/21/06 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1: Don't Try This At Home
I wish Madelynn all the best in her latest enterprise.
Incidentally, i had gotten the idea for a Hogwarts therapist several weeks ago, but I don't think I'll ever get down to writing it.
And... a name for a ferret that is whited, dangerous and evil?
Ans. Divine Oblivion.
Author's Response: I wrote a story about Tonks being a therapist last summer, but it was so weird (two words: Fenrir. Greyback) that it made \"The Dark Lord\'s Blog\" look sane. I\'d never dream about posting it anywhere. Plus I\'d have to find it. Then type it. *Ish lazy*
Date: 12/03/06 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1: Don't Try This At Home
Okay, lets not talk about Aaron whatshisname anymore (Although I think I should get first prize for Most Orginal Guess.). My brother once told me that the two things a human being must never listen to are boy bands and girl pop. And he could say that, for he too used to listen to them once upon a Midsummer Night's Dream. I followed his advice, and that is why i can now credit myself for having a much more enlightened outlook on music before my peers.
Ooh, and my vacations are almost here, just two weeks left. Now, you might be wondering why exactly I'm at home at noon, eh? Well, its a long story, a story that has a lot of political refferences in it. (Bangali politics... the worst kind.)
Author's Response: Hmm... well, I wasn\'t actually wondering why you were home at noon, because I live in a totally different time zone, and I was asleep when ou wrote this review.
My vacation\'s coming, too! YAAAY!
Date: 02/05/07 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1: Don't Try This At Home
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Aries_%28astrology%29
That's the Wikipedia article, but I'll give a really brief summary, shall I?
ARIES= Spanish Conquistadore
Author's Response: BWAHAHAHA! Nobody suspects the SPANISH INQUISITION!
Date: 11/05/06 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1: Don't Try This At Home
Ah, hello, its me again...
Aadiyat wanted to know what your reply to the infamous "Quadruple Post' was. Upon hearing that it made you 'giggle', he told me post his reply to that. Well... here it goes:
"GIGGLE! GIGGLE...? We make people laugh, we make people cry, and we make people SO angry that they hit us on the head HARD! But we don NOT make people giggle! So there!"
Anyways, I have two stupid questions of my own:
A) How long to the moderators take to validate a story?
B) How do I convert a Microsoft Word file into a HTML file? Plain text is SO pathetic.
Thank you for your patronage.
Zoheb Mashiur.
PS: Click on my author name...
Author's Response: Sorry Aadiyat, but I\'m a girl. The world makes me giggle.
Here are answers to your q\'s.
A.) Anywhere from three days to, like, a week or more, depending on how they feel. Chapter Three took ludicrously long.
B.) I\'m horrible at html, but for italics, do < then the letter i, then do a >, and for bold, put a \'b\' in between the <>s, and for underline, put a u in and stuff.
By the way, I clicked on your author name, and nothing special happened. Did you, like, rig it so that I\'ll get a horrible computer virus if I click your name? \'Cos that\'s mean.
Date: 01/04/07 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1: Don't Try This At Home
http://www.thedailystar.net/rising/2006/12/04/switch.htm
Scroll to the very bottom of the page, where thou shalt find a section entitled 'Useful Prases at work' or something similar. Those phrases are beautiful. I am so going to use them for Tommy-boy and Sev.
Here's a sample:
"I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me."
Oh yes, and I won the CC contest. That makes me happy.
Author's Response: OOOH! You won? What name did you use? I\'ve won seven or so times (I\'m Schmergo) and I also won on the last round.
Date: 12/12/06 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1: Don't Try This At Home
Schmergo, have you ever listened to Tenacious D's 'Tribute'? If you haven't, then now is the time to listen to it! (Actualy, I doubt whether the song would be half as great without the video.) Its opening lyrics are:
"Long time ago, me and my brother Kyle here,
We was hitch-hiking down a long and lonesome road...
When all of a sudden, there shined a shiny demon
In the middle of the road..."
Author's Response: Hmmm, no I can\'t say I\'ve heard the song. I should check that out at some point!
Date: 12/12/06 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1: Don't Try This At Home
And speaking of wacky band names, how does this grab you? "The Empire and the Omlette. "
Author's Response: It grabs me by the throat and throttles me, that\'s how good it is. I love surreal names. How about... \"Sharp Washcloth?\" There\'s a story behind that one, but it\'s long and weird...
Date: 11/23/06 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1: Don't Try This At Home
I AM NO LONGER DEPRESSED! (Wow, that was fast!)
Shmerg, I have found a new idea for a story! Me and my cousin made a joint account 'The Unknown Ones'. And we'll both be writing that story.
Now, me being the sleazy self-publicist that I am... I'm going to tell you the name of this story.'The Trial of Tom Riddle'.
Coming soon. On HBO.. I mean, MNFF. Be there.. or not.
Author's Response: HUZZAHNESS! I cannot wait!
Any Voldy-centric story has got to be good.
Date: 01/03/07 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1: Don't Try This At Home
Actually they DO allow crossovers, to a limit. Like that time in The Power of Suggestion where they had Legolas at the ball, or the Jedis running around all over the place. Its all right as long as the crossover isnt' integral to the story/ chapter/ page/ paragraph/ sentence/ word/ letter/ half-a-letter/ a-quarter-of-a-letter/ this-is-getting-creepy.
But, crepiness aside, I find myself faced with bitter difficuties. I am that sort of restless person who wants to do things but is reluctant to get up from the cosy place he has settled in. That's why I spend my time beggining things, stoping them, starting them again, stopping them, walking away, and then coming back... only to go away again. That's why my story is so long overdue. I find myself stuck in chapter one. I don't think it has anything to do with a lack of plot (I don't believe in having a real plot... I do things on impulse. But i do have something of a plan for this thing). No, i blame not having enough wackiness in the first chapter. It gets stuck at times, and i'm unsure exactly where to finish this chapter. I'm irritated with myself, and, to punish myself for my misdeeds, I shall eat a sandwich... someday. But that day is not today.
...
By the time you have read this, you will haver realized that I'm feeling very restless. I'm going to get up again, I think... and I wonder when I'll be back. You might want to get me a permanant location... in a room with rubber walls.
Author's Response: Well, that story (Power of Suggestion) was written before their rules for what they\'d accept got a bit more strict. For example, I have a Potter fic where they perform \"Phantom of the Opera,\" that was a bit too much of a cross-over for this site.
I totally understand how you feel. I submitted two stories yesterday (one AU about Lucius, and a humour fic that was written by the account Deathpants, which is a team of four writers including me), and I really don\'t feel like working on a sequel to the blog for some reason...
Date: 11/25/06 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1: Don't Try This At Home
I concur with my friend Yellow and Dangerous: RAB would INDEED love to get rid of Lord Voldemort in 'crossfire'.
Now, let me get the RAB defintion of the word 'crossfire' across to all of you:
RAB terms anybody they shoot as having died in 'crossfire', even if it was only RAB who was doing the shooting. So, the headlines in the newspapers'd go like this: "Kala Jahangir dies in crossfire', 'Aaron Carter dies in crossfire', 'Chicken dies in crossfire'.
Hmm... now, I want to ask a few questions I've been wanting to ask: "What does our good friend Voldy think of the whole 'death metal' genre (You can answer with honesty because I hate most death metal bands)?" and "Why doesn't Voldemort wear underwear?... actually, when I think twice about it, I don't want to know."
And... Umbridge is the basilisk's niece? I DO NOT WANT TO KNOW HOW THAT HAPPENED.
Moving on... I told you about 'the Trial of Tom Riddle'. Well, that's going to be delayed, because Lord Unknown's exams are here, and by the time they're done with, my one's'll start. So we won't be making much headway with it.
However, since I want to make my mark as a looney, I'm going to use the precious little free time I've got left to work on my own story... which I'm thinking of calling "So you Wanna Be Death Eater?". It's going to be a simple little story: Voldemort advertises on an exclusive Dark Wizard newspaper ('The Nightly Necromancer') about some free spots in his Death Eater elite. Needless to say, lots of hopefuls turn up... but only a select few will pass. That's it... its a chronicle of the initiation tests.
Let's hope it punches through! Ow else I shall be vewy vewy angwy.
Author's Response: Funny, I was just talking about Aaron Carter\'s lack of talent two minutes ago at lunch.
Voldemort LOVES death metal because it reminds him of people screaming in pain due to the Cruciatus Curse. He doesn\'t wear underwear because he likes a healthy breeze around his privates. I cannot wait to read \"So You Wanna Be A Death Eater.\" Just the title of the newspaper guarantees that it\'ll be great!
Date: 12/04/06 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1: Don't Try This At Home
I shall now drive you insane by talking about the Home Minister of Bangladesh in order to amuse myself.
The Home Minister as you know is the Head Honcho of the Police. Our Home Minister happens to be an ex-crook. (Apparently the governement takes "Takes one to know one" a bit too seriously). His name is Lutfuzzaman Babar, and he is the king of Coolness. He is short and rat-faced; his hair is spiky and gelled, and he wears glasses. His voice is a petulant squeak, and he speaks in a remix of Bangla and English. His most quotable quote is "We are looking for shotrus." (Shotru=enemy.) Poor man, the very day after he said that, the magazines had cartoons of him bending over a desk with a magnifying glass and asying "We are looking for shotrus."
What a sad little man.
Author's Response: Funny, when you wrote the descripion, I imagined Harry Potter... I have problems. But still, Lutfuzzaman Babar is the best name ever. Do his friends call him \'Fuzzy\' for short?
Date: 01/04/07 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1: Don't Try This At Home
Yes, I noticed you won. I've seen you win the CC almost everytime since I found out about it.
And I won as Chuckles. Actually, i I'm pretty sure I added 'the flying skull' but then where'd it go? Do they crop names? I don't think they do.
Ah, I probably just wrote Chuckles.
Author's Response: *Double-checks CC*
Ah, yes, the infamous caption that has Voldemort tattling on the man whose body he shares. \"He lies...\"
Date: 12/11/06 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1: Don't Try This At Home
I've lately taken to thinking about 'Tom and the Riddles'. I personally think you would have done better to talk about them some more. but since you didn't, I hereby take the liberty to tell you my idea on the band.
The bands bassist would be Veoldemort, vocals would be supplied by Gollum, the Witch King would be at the drums, and Snape would be the guitarist.
Their debut album would be called: "The Eighth Horcrux".
Track no. 1: 'Seeking Immortality'. A short instrumental intro
Track no. 2: 'Will you be my Precious?'. A love ballad sung by that grand master of Ring-talk, Smeagol.
Track no.3: 'Barad-dur Days'. A fast-paced heavy metal number, sung by the incomparable Witch King of Angmar (Or Billly-Bob as I like to call him).
Track no.4: 'Death to Shampoo'. A wild and crazy song, with Snape at the vocals.
Track no.5: 'Gandalf and Dumbledore sitting in a tree...' a taunting song on the band's greatest enemies.
Track no.6: 'The Eighth Horcrux'. A long, and masterful song, filled with piwer chords, complicated drum rolls, death metal growls that put to shame all other death metal growls, haunting bass... the band's magnum opus.
track no.7: 'Nasty Hobbits'. A short speech in which Smeagol unleasehes all his angst. A little background music.
Track no.8: 'Half-blood, Full Evil'. A funky duet by Voldy and Snapey.
Track no. 9: 'Wise Old Men with Beards always Die'. a gloating track about Dumbledore's death.
Track no.10: 'Tommy-boy's Latest Ploy '. Rap number giving clues as to Volder's newest plot, just to infuriate the Order and make them waste time guessing.
Track no.11: 'He Suspects us!' Outro.
So, how about it?
Author's Response: Welll, although that\'s amazing, my brother, my sister, and I are actually Tom and the Riddles. We\'ve recorded a multitude of songs on my computer, all of which are spoofs of existing songs. (Like, \"Dark Lord\'s Paradise,\" which spoofs \"Amish Paradise,\" which spoofs \"Gangsta Paradise!\")
My favourite on your list is track nine, though! I lauighed at that one.
Date: 11/26/06 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1: Don't Try This At Home
No, my monkey man, I do not think it hurts to get your first ever fic rejected after waiting two weeks for them to even realize it was there. This is evident in the fact that I was up and about again in less than 15 minutes.
And you say that you are wallowing in self-pity? Read a good book. Or do some head-banging.
Author's Response: Or bang your head with a good book. (But don\'t use \"Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix,\" or you\'ll be brain-damaged for life.)
Date: 12/10/06 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1: Don't Try This At Home
Someone's in love with a certain story. *Points below*
Author's Response: I find the gesture very flattering, myself! =)
Date: 12/07/06 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1: Don't Try This At Home
Course djinns are real, MOjo! You can't be a muslim and not believe in 'em.
Author's Response: Cool, I didn\'t know that!
Date: 12/14/06 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1: Don't Try This At Home
Ahem. I'd have thought being psychic would have been cool. If you have a problem, take it up with 'Red Hot Chili Peppers'. Their phone number is 8920939.
...
Actually, that's the number of a guy who'll go all 'I hate journalists!' and slam the receiver down on you. But you didn't hear that from me.
Author's Response: Hahahaha.... I once accidentally wrote down the wrong phone number for my friend, and when I tried to call her, I got some guy who shouted a string of expletives at me.
Also, when my friends call me, I pick up the phone and say, \"Hello, Schmergo\'s Morgue speaking. You kill \'em, we chill \'em.\"
Date: 11/25/06 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1: Don't Try This At Home
Have you noticed that there's a MONSTER on top of the Humor Fics category? That's quite a... lot, eh?
Author's Response: What do you mean by a \'Monster?\' If you mean the fic with a lot of reviews, I wish I could read it (it looks great), but I\'m not allowed to read 6th-7th fics, due to the fact that I\'m fourteen.
Date: 12/07/06 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1: Don't Try This At Home
Hmm... Artemis Fowl. I'll tell you a funny little story about Artemis Fowl.
At the end of last year's school year (Class 7), me, Yellowy, and a midget friend of ours found an Artemis Fowl book in the library (Don't ask which one: I forgot). It seemed interesting, so wanted to take it (It also had a shiny, blue, leathery cover. YUMM). But the librarian dude told us that since term was ending, we couldn't borrow it until next year... but we could read it if we wanted. So we did, and it was pretty good, from what we could gather in limited time.
Anyway, when we returned this year to claim that which we had wanted to claim for so long, we were greeted with an unexpected hurdle: it would appear that someone had stolen the book.
And that, my friend, was my encounter with Artemis fowl.
Author's Response: Since Artemis Fowl is a criminal mastermind, maybe HE stole the book. It sounds like it\'s in character for him!