Hello, you've reached a very long ago abandoned username. I still don't know why I haven't deleted this. Maybe I'm just lazy?
Anyway, I post under the name Aequitas. That's it, really.
If you visited here because you wanted to see A Secret Needed to be Shared or Ad Astra Per Aspera, you're about 3.097 billion years in the past - I deleted them a long time ago. I haven't rewritten them or anything. They died. Haha.
I'll admit that I was at first skeptical about a ballerina at Hogwarts, seeing as, of course, that there isn't any program or teacher of any sort. And I hope my confusion over Cecile Dubois ends when I read the next chapter. Is she a professor there? Does she live in Hogsmeade? There aren't any specifics you've given us so far.
I just love how you introduced the story. The pace if set just right. But I want to see more of Ninette! Give the readers more dialogue and bring her alive. This first chapter seems to be cataloguing the events of her life more than anything. Since we know next to nothing about Ninette, I encourage you to show us more of her.If I'm right in saying this, I think that Dubois is more often seen as DuBois. That could just be my preference, though. It's your character, so do what you will. But I'm more used to seeing that, so if you wanted to take my suggestion... *shrug* And good job on characterizing Aunt Edris. She never wavers, does she? This may seem like a lot of criticism and petty things, but it's only because I had to hunt down things to comment on. You're doing an excellent job so far! Your writing is pleasing to the eye, and the story is well-written. Moving on to chapter two!
Author's Response: Thanks! I'm glad you liked it. I am a musician and (obviously) a lover of writing - I'm very much an 'artistic' person (though I can't draw to save my life!). I've always wondered how art continues to exist in the wizarding world; or even basic skills such as math, reading, and writing. This story actually started shortly after I read the second book, when I imagined a dancer trying to go to Hogwarts. I was quite young at the time, and I'm afraid my dancer was a complete Mary Sue - but she never made it onto the paper, and soon drifted out of my imagination. When I began to read fanfiction, however, she drifted back in and meshed herself into Hogwarts with Tonks - I couldn't resist writing about them! As for Cecile DuBois (you're right - I'll make the change as soon as I add my next chapter, which I hope will be today), you'll find out more about her soon - not in the next chapter (that's from Tonks' perspective again), but in the fourth. I'll go back and look at the first chapter, though - I don't want to tell everything about her there, but I'll see what I can do to make things clearer.
I'm glad you liked my introduction! I wrote a good part of the story, let it rest for a while, and then went back to it after about a month - only to find that it was turning out to be a lot more serious of a story than I had imagined, and the original introduction didn't work at all - hence what you've seen. However, while I know that Ninette's character didn't seem very strong in the first chapter, I'm afraid that's the way it's going to be for a while - because that's the way she is. (Sad, but true - I tried to write her differently, but she seems to be stuck like this. Oh well - at least it gives her room for growth.) Though you will see rather more of her in chapter four (and three for that matter, only there from Tonks' point of view)!
Thank you so much for the beautiful review!
Wow, I think I like this one a lot just because it's from Tonks' PoV. ;) I love Tonks; she's hilarious! And so much like me - insufferably clumsy, though I've learned to pick myself up. Hehe, I loved the part about Tonks trying to "perfect" herself and the mirror bringing her back down to earth. That's funny how much mirrors mean to Ninette and Tonks. Unless... I'm just being stupid and that was intentional.
Very nice Sorting Hat song! I'm assuming you wrote that yourself, of course. It rhymed (lol), it had everything about the founders, and it had the spunk we so often see. Just loving your introductions - Ninette (to Tonks), Charlie and Bill Weasley. And Tonks is very much in character. I laughed both times she tripped - though of course not at her, as they Sorting Hat detailed. You're off to a great start on your fic! Update soon, please!And just like the review before me, this fic was ALSO recommended to me by Josh, or x2pttrclue32. He gave me a link late at night one day, so I stuck it on my favorites (which doubles as a to-do list, hehe). It's too bad I didn't read it then - because I like it so much! If I were sitting on a chair, I'd be at the edge of my seat... but unfortunately I'm sitting on the ground with a laptop on my... well, lap. ;)
I noticed that some "mistakes" were probably more poetic than anything, but the technical nazi will comment anyway. So - in the second paragraph, be careful not to use "you," but one instead. Distant footsteps echoed closer, along with it horrific screams all around. It needs a bit more of a connection. How about "...echoed closer, and along with it, horrific screams all around." “I told you to stay back,” she said shaking frantically. Suggestion: comma after said and before shaking. Ash and smoke filled her lungs as she dashed past the lifeless bodies of her once friendly neighbours and their once beautiful homes. "Once-friendly" and "once-beautiful."Nott turned to the sneeze’s direction. That sounds a bit awkward... how about "Nott turned to the direction of the sneeze"? There were also what looked like formatting errors. Here are some pointers: "Then silence..." and "Nott raised his wand." But other than that, everything looked fine. The writing was clean and descriptive, yet not too verbose and wasn't overkill. Substitutions were well-played too: "luminous skull omen" instead of Dark Mark, "two sapphire pools" instead of blue eyes, "green light flashed" instead of "She died." (Or did she?) Hehe.
Let's talk about the Death Eaters. ('Cause you want to.) ;) So... Nott was there, as was Wormtail, but who was the third one? Is he important? Perhaps he isn't. I can at least figure out that it's not Crabbe or Goyle, 'cause they'd be too stupid to form an answer... LOL. But that's so off-topic. I thought it odd that Wormtail gave orders so coolly, and with such authority. I might also note that it was Wormtail's right hand that was sacrificed. Perhaps you could make him lefthanded. *shrug*Argh! I seem overly critical once again, but I try to comment what needs to be commented on (lol). I'm so curious to see exactly who the woman was and the significance of her daughter Alice, unless they're innocent Muggles killed under Voldemort's reign of terror. Ah! The suspense! But I will refrain from all caps, only say, "Update, update, update please!"
I've read this about three times, but I will never, ever get tired of it. I still can't believe what you rolled out in a day! One night, inspiration, a couple days later... a finished work. It's beautiful. I've told you this before, but it needs saying again, I think. ;)
There's some things I never noticed while beta-ing. I seriously think I have a reading mode, in which I see things I didn't saw before. In the second paragraph, we have Hermione thinking about Sirius' death, but it's sort of left hanging. Thinking about Harry made her think about Sirius, and he brought it back all over again. It begs for some elaboration. Hermione wasn't near as close to Sirius as Harry was, but she cared for him all the same. How's she coping with it? Is she ignoring it? Say so. Tell us what's going on.The Time-Turner was a very good point - just why was Hermione so distracted and emotional that year? It has very strong roots in canon. However... --> Only Professor McGonagall had seemed to suspect anything, and that only when had she discovered Hermione asleep in the Transfiguration classroom dried streaks of tears on her face. *switches "she" and "had" around* *inserts comma after classroom* :D
I won't say anything about the letter itself, because you know what I think of it. Don't ever mess with it, except to add Hermione's gran. It's beautiful and captures the feelings just right, and is a perfect example of poignant writing. It may be I who betas for you and suggests for you to write it, but it's all you. Hands down. You've done such a great job, and you should congratulate yourself! If not, I will. :PI probably should have gone further with Sirius; you're right that it's left hanging. On the line about McGonagall-- I changed that on one of the last drafts and it didn't get all the way changed. I'm glad you enjoyed reading the letter and the fic as a whole.
Thanks for being such a wonderful beta, AIM companion, reviewer, and most importantly friend!LOL! So this is what the icon's about! Phillll and Ffffffil! I'm going to laugh my head off - Penny and her sister Nickel - Sirius, James and Lily as the children of Harry and Ginny - Ron and Hermione having their children named after exes - wow. I hope people now realise how incredibly annoying it is to have kids named after everyone else. 10/10 - which is obvious.
Author's Response: My icon? No, whatever do you mean? Who would be crazy enough to name their kids Pphhhill and Philll? *shifty eyes*
I've been waiting to review something of yours for quite a while. Swimming in a Sea of Names was hilarious (Phillll and Ffffffil), and Potions Mishap amusing (“I also have a mole on my left buttock” - LOL), but ever since your Gift of Love companion one-shots, you haven't posted anything serious. I want to compliment you on your fanfic subject choice. It's very hard to write, and it's often overused and written incorrectly, but I find this fanfic very interesting. Draco is easier to write OOC more than any other character, as I've found. Nice job.
Once again, I have nothing to say technical-wise. Your stories are very clean and a very pleasant read compared to some of the fics I've been subjected to lately. (You know what I mean... lol.) However, there were some spots that need to be fixed, like this one: He heard light footsteps step tentatively enter the room, quickening as they rushed to his side. Take out “step” and it'll be fine. Also, this sentence doesn't flow as well: But to no avail as he was trapped within a fading carcass. Perhaps you could say “But it was to no avail as he was trapped within a fading carcass.” And how was he fading? If his heartbeat started to slow and disappear, that would represent change. It'd make more sense to say “a faded carcass,” as Draco believes himself dead.Also, Draco watched as his mother calmly removed Snape's hands from her shoulders and bent back down beside him. I understand what this sentence means, but rearranging the subjects would help. “Draco watched as his mother calmly removed Snape's hand from her shoulders, her hair falling onto his face as she bent back down beside him.” A bit wordy, but reiterate the Narcissa as the subject without being repetitive.
And watch overusing words. Two words I noticed were used a bit too often were hysterics/hysteria/hysterical and seething/seethed. Hysterical is a good way to describe Narcissa, but avoid using it too much. While the words are spread out at the end, try switching to “panic-stricken” or “frantic.” And Severus and seething. Try “livid,” “furious” or “irate.” And there's always the thesaurus.With Draco having limited movement at the end, describing his tone of voice is a good idea. When he says, “I… I'm dead.” at the end, include that his tone was final and that he accepted it completely. Kudos for the train of thought leading him to this conclusion. It makes perfect sense from a wizard's point of view, especially the part with the ghosts. At the very last sentence, take off the comma after “off.” >> “The potion will be wearing off soon, Draco.”
Enjoyed your lovely darkfic! I always like to see your work, and it's spread out too - Lily/James, general, humor . . . now dark. (Even if it's general, it's darker than your other stories.) What a cruel twist at the end! I'm so glad there's another chapter, so now I don't have to wonder and wait (and wait) for the next chapter to be posted. Looking forward to it now! (Leaving the rating at 10, since it deserves it. :P)
Author's Response: Wow Caren. It's been a while since I've viewed one of your novella reviews! I'm glad to hear from you because you always have something interesting to say and always good things to point out. Thanks for pointing out the repitition. I'm *so* bad about repeating words. I'll hurry along and do a bit of revision. Thanks for reading!
Only one review? I can't believe that. Your fic is amazing, if a little darker than your other ones. I printed it out to read last night, and I ended marking it and writing comments in margins, etc. ;) So you might find this review a little more detailed than usual.
First things first! I loved your pace; it's very well written and I never lost you for a moment or got bored. (How could I, anyway? ;)) I thought your tone was appropriate for the subject matter, too. I hate seeing these sort of fictions handled too roughly. The word choice was all there; good job. Do I even need to say anything about Draco? :PHere's random things I noticed: "Why?" in beginning - italicize it; it sounds like a thought and would be more effective. Seventh paragraph down: change love to move, it's a small typo fixed easily. After Damn! in the beginning, delete the comma afterward; it's not needed. Change clutzy when Draco is eating to "klutzy" or even "clumsy." In "Me, his superior?" toward the end, change the Me to "I."
Whew! Now on to more not-so-nitpicky things. I think the way you used "Snape" and "teacher/professor" interchangeably was very interesting. Is Draco really regarding Snape as his professor? The way that he thinks about him (ie - wants to kill him, put hands on throat, etc.) leads me to believe that they are now both Death Eaters who are hiding out. Different as they may be, they now share some common ground. So, which is it? Snape or professor? In the books, he calls him "Professor," not anything else (to the best I can recall). In fact, during the confrontation after Slughorn's party, Draco doesn't address him at all. Isn't that interestingSnape. His dialogue was excellent, but try to describe his facial expressions more. JKR does that often, so I suppose readers are used to it, but Snape's face tells us a lot about him. Is he impassive? Angry? Overconfident? One example: Snape acquired a dangerous look in his eyes at Draco's words. Try being more visual: A dangerous look glinted in Snape's eyes at Draco's words. Another example: Noticing it, Snape continued, "Come into the kitchen when the potion has fully worn off and we shall discuss today's events." Instead of "noticing it," try: Snape's eyes flicked back to Draco's expressions before saying, "Come into the kitchen... (etc.)." (You'll also notice that his eyes are often described too.)
A couple more things: is it Half-blood or half-blood? Since it's "pureblood," I would think that the "h" would be lowercase. (Unless you're really trying to emphasize it? *raises eyebrow*) I'm really interested about the Book of Way. For some reason, my printer cut off a couple paragraphs at the end, but it ended in a good spot anyway. (Funny how these things work out, don't they?) I'm almost tingly with excitement to see your new chapter. Post it soon! And please!